New Chapters

After I got laid off at MHC, I took some time to just . . . do nothing.  My severance package and PTO cash out was pretty generous, so I wasn't in a super big hurry to find something new.  I decompressed and got some cleaning and organizing done around the house, I went to the gym, I played Overwatch.  And then I filed for unemployment in AZ, which was denied because my wages were reported in WA (that was a whole dumb thing), and that got approved.  And then I edited my resume (after not touching it in like 7 years) and added MHC to it.  And then, finally, I decided it was time to start looking for a new job.  (I honestly don't know why/how I was so calm about it, but I really was . . . My gut feeling was that it wouldn't take me too long to find something).

Anyway, I've been active in AAPC since I moved up here (I'm actually chapter secretary at the moment, for the second year in a row), and one of the things we ask is for members to let the group know about job openings.  And as I was getting ready to start my job search, I remembered that another AAPC member had been announcing a coding job for quite awhile, working in the physician's practice area of a local hospital.  It's really weird because the very first time she announced it, I thought it sounded really interesting, and for a minute I wondered if it was time for a change.  But I decided against it.

Well, the job was still available, and I found it on Indeed and applied.  I figured since it had been open so long I had a good chance, even if I wasn't quite as experienced as they wanted.  Within like . . . 2 days of applying, they asked for a phone interview, which I did.  And then I had to do an in person interview, which took forever to schedule (it's a long story, basically the dept. currently has an interim director who is based in Virginia, at corporate headquarters, and she is only in Olympia like once a month for a few days).  My phone interview was January 13th, and my in person interview was on January 21st.  The in person interview went SO well.  I just had so much confidence going in.  I truly don't know where it came from, because I was pretty anxious like . . . until I walked into the building.  And then, I don't know what happened, but . . . it was awesome.  The interview ended up lasting a little over an hour, and when I left, I just felt like . . . yeah, this one's mine.  Very much like how I felt after my MHC interview. 

I officially got an offer on January 29th/30th, and on February 4th I went in and did new hire paperwork/drug testing/background check stuff.  I didn't get to start until February 17th, because the hospital only has new hires start every 2 weeks, and every new hire has to do a whole day group orientation.  There were only 2 other people in my group so that was kind of cool.

So far it's gone really well.  After the first day in my department, I was just pumped.  I like my job (some A/R, some coding, eventually a lot of auditing/provider education), I love my boss, and my office mate is my AAPC friend who actually announced the job!  I'm currently working from home again because of the pandemic and it hasn't been bad, but I do miss the office.  The system and processes are very different than at MHC and it's been an adjustment for sure, but in a good way.

AND while I was looking at job listings online, I came across one for a sleep clinic called ISC.  Jenny had applied there before because a couple of her coworkers had left ORS for ISC because they pay and benefits were better.  She never got a call back the first time.  But as all this was going on, things were getting bad at ORS.  Like Jenny was basically doing the work of 3 people and hadn't gotten a raise since just after she started, and she was still making minimum wage.  The owner of ORS just "doesn't do" cost of living raises--he only believes in merit raises.  And she was already doing 3 jobs so . . . what else could she possibly do to go above and beyond?  The ISC ad posted when I was looking for work said they were urgently hiring, so I let Jenny know.  They called her back really quickly, and she got the job!  She actually started at ISC on February 11th.  She's SO much happier there and so glad to be done with ORS.  Even moreso considering that if she was still at ORS, she'd be the only biller because 2 people have quit, AND the supervisor is on indefinite medical leave.

So we both got new jobs, and we both got raises (Jenny got $3/hour, I got $5/hour).  I definitely feel like I was ready for a change, and as much as I loved MHC, maybe getting laid off was a good thing.  I feel like I'm finally in a truly adult job, and I like working somewhere local.  And with our new combined income . . . I don't really want to say much and jinx it but let's just say homeowner-ship is no longer completely out of the question for us.  I mean, it's still going to be awhile, because my hours got cut because of the pandemic, and I have some new fun medical debt, but STILL.  Once things get back to normal . . . fingers crossed!

A (Sort Of) Triumphant Return(ish)

Well, long time no see Life and Times of Ica.

I remember when I was first blogging, I'd find other blogs that hadn't been updated in years, and the last entry would be just a normal one, and I'd wonder what happened that made the writer just stop.  And now . . . here I am 2+ years since I posted and the answer is that LIFE happens.  Honestly, it hasn't been anything crazy exciting, just life.  Some bad, some good, some amazing, some awful.  Way way way too much to put into just one blog post.  Probably way way way too much to blog about, period, but I think I'm going to try.  I actually do miss this little space, and I started it back when what I was documenting was 90% misery.  There are definitely some good times on here too, but I think there should be more of them now that I'm, y'know, happy. 

So briefly . . .

The good/amazing:
--we are still in WA and we still love it
--I'm still working for MHC and loving working from home; Jerbs works in medical billing too now and she loves her job
--we still have Max and Hollie and Irene and Ilya, and they're all healthy and happy
--we have a new cat named Nikolai, and 2 rats named Juniper and Delilah
--I joined a gym that I really really love
--I'm subbing in multiple handbell choirs
--I actually have a love life!  (or . . . really a sex life, I guess, and I love it)
--I think I've finally gotten to the very root of my mental health issues and I'm finally on a med regimen that is WORKING
--over the past couple of years Jerbs and I have seen Game Grumps Live, NSP live, the Mountain Goats, Alton Brown, Neil Gaiman, TSO, Maroon 5 . . . and we're seeing the Mountain Goats and Morrissey in September
--the Goldwomen bought a HOUSE  earlier this year! (I have yet to visit them and see it, but I'm going to someday!)
--the Flicks had another baby and she's AMAZING, and their first baby is now a toddler who is also AMAZING . . . I legit love those kids and their parents; they also bought a new house since I last blogged and it's super cute
--Jerbs' cousin had a baby and he's 2 now, and he's adorable, and hilariously fearless
--Austy is TEN and started 5th grade the other day, and I'm blown away both by the little person he's become and by how it seems like just yesterday that he was a tiny baby; he's smart and funny and an amazing baseball player and I just love him
-Austy is also a BIG BROTHER now!  my sister had a baby girl in January, her name is Logan, her birthday is close to mine and Jillian's, and she's literally the cutest baby I've ever seen
--related--my sister is married!  she met this awesome guy in 2017, they fell in love, got engaged at a Dbacks game, had a baby, and had a mini wedding in April . . . their real big wedding is next April (on their 1st anniversary) and I'm so excited!  I'm so genuinely, over the moon happy for my sister
--my new brother in law has 5 kids from a previous marriage, so I have 4 step nephews and a step niece . . . I've mt two of the nephews and they're awesome, and my step niece is just adorable and I love her

The bad/awful:
--I went through a pretty awful bout mental health wise for awhile
--Jerbs' mom passed away last year
--around the same time, a friend/sorority sister from college passed away while giving childbirth
--literally everything about the Trump administration . . . thank God next year is an election year, hopefully it'll be the end of this utter bullshit nightmare

I think that's about it.  Life is pretty good at the moment, minus constantly missing Jane.  Hopefully sometime soon I can write more in detail.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with this lovely picture of our neck of the woods--Capitol Lake and the capitol building in Oly.

Three Days!!

Three days until we fly to Seattle!!

I'm so excited and feeling so overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to do.  Because as usual I vowed that I would be super on top of things and get stuff done in advance and as usual I've done absolutely nothing that I needed to do so.  Yeah.  I can't believe how quick the time between booking the trip and now has gone by, it seems like just yesterday that I still had 120 some odd days until the trip and now it's time to actually get ready and go!

I did finally buy a big suitcase tonight so we can start packing, so that feels like a step in the right direction.

I can't wait!

Alton Brown Live: Eat Your Science

Last night was Alton Brown Live, and OMG it was freaking awesome.  It was absolutely nothing that I was expecting (because honestly what are you supposed to expect when a chef goes on tour?), but it was so good and so, so worth it.

First of all, Alton Brown is a much better singer than I'd have expected, and during the show he plays guitar and has a keyboardist and a drummer on stage with him.  He opened with a song called "Science: Heck Yeah!" that was very entertaining.  Then he talked about what he'd do if he was the God of food (which he says will only happen if current God of food, Anthony Bourdain, is killed or kidnapped).  Then he talked about GMO's and sang another song about a GMO protester who told him how GMO's will bring about the zombie apocalypse (that song was a cowboy waltz).  After that he brought a mobile bar on stage and had a volunteer from the audience come up to play a game called "Spin Your Poison," which ended with him mixing a gin, brandy, and soy sauce cocktail and then playing with liquid nitrogen to make it not so disgusting.

Then there was an intermission and the second act was all about popcorn.  It opened with the third song of the night, which was a pop synth song about popcorn.  There was also a giant air popper called Astro Pop, and an eventual popcorn explosion that was pretty amazing to watch.  Also in this portion of the show was a part where Alton and his second audience volunteer sucked helium and read a scene from Pulp Fiction, which was awesome.  Alton kept joking that he's going to make a whole show where he just does movie scenes on helium with various celebrities and call it A Helium Home Companion with Alton Brown.  (For the record, I would watch the hell out of that).

After a Q and A (where all the questions came from Twitter), he did another song called "Mise en Place" that was set to the tune of "Edelweiss" from the Sound of Music.  Side note:  this was especially hilarious because Jerbs and I have a weird inside joke related to the song Edelweiss.  Basically, a few years ago, not too long after I'd moved back to Flagstaff, there was a point where I realized Jerbs had never seen the Sound of Music, and we ended up watching it one night when it was on TV.  I honestly don't remember now exactly how it came about but somehow we ended up having this weird joke where we basically sing Edelweiss in this weird voice, and now whenever we hear that word or song we crack up.  So Alton Brown singing something to its tune was just . . . amazing.  It felt very full circle.  He started playing and Jerbs and I just looked at each other and burst out laughing, and kept laughing until we cried.  The people next to us probably thought we were nuts but whatever, it was such a perfect moment.

After that song Alton got a standing ovation so he did another song called "Airport Shrimp Cocktail," which has been stuck in my head ever since.  And that was that.  By then it had been 3 hours since the show started but I still wished there was more.  It was really just so, so great.  Alton Brown is quite an entertainer, and there's something about seeing a guy who's a self professed nerd doing a show that is just so completely all of his own making and selling out venues doing it that is really inspiring.  I loved every second of it.

Oh, at one point in the Q and A, he called himself a high functioning sociopath, which is a Sherlock reference, and I was the only person in the audience who got it and cheered.  It made me feel special lol.

Other than the show, we also went to Hobby Lobby (dangerous dangerous dangerous, it was a good thing I hadn't gotten my new debit card at the time) and Hastings (so nostalgic).  And we had dinner at Red Robin, since we don't have one here in Flag.  And we had In and Out on the way out of town, because we can't go to Prescott and not get In and Out.

All in all a great weekend, I can't wait for Alton to tour again!

ALSO, 8 DAYS UNTIL SEATTLE!!

Lots of Good News From Work

So this week was one where things just kept going my way at work.  In particular, two really exciting things happened.

First of all, the issue of my raise got resolved.  We got our pay stubs emailed to us this past Tuesday, and when I looked at mine, I noticed that my raise wasn't on there.  So I emailed our financial controller and let her know, and she in turn told me that she hadn't known about my raise because, apparently, our HR person (who is one of my former billing co-workers) didn't get the paperwork to her.  Which was irritating, but not a super big deal.  My boss sent the paperwork to her and a little while later, the financial controller called me to her office.  And she basically told me that the raise my boss gave me in my eval was inadequate, and that my boss was only allowed to give me a specific percentage raise.  So it's now corrected, and my new pay rate is exactly in the range that I was expecting when I went into my eval.  I was so excited to get the raise I deserved, I've put in the work and time and now I feel like something came of it.

Then yesterday, the billing department had a meeting (we're going through some pretty significant changes personnel wise right now, so we were meeting to talk about all that).  As we were walking in, our practice manager said to me something like, "So, I hear you're going to be moving this year?"  So I told her that yes, I was planning to move out of state in September.  I was really apprehensive saying it because I wasn't sure how she was going to react, but I was super pleasantly surprised when her reaction was, "Are you interested in remoting?"  I was like HELL YES!!!

This means that if the hospital deal goes through, I get to keep my job and work from home as a full time coder after I move.  I am so unbelievably happy about this.  Being able to keep my job would be amazing, because I wouldn't have to job hunt from a different state, I wouldn't have to start over somewhere PTO wise, I wouldn't have to leave a company I genuinely love . . . AND to be able to work from home is basically my dream.  It also means that I won't have to pay back anything for my coding class since I won't be quitting, which is freaking awesome!  And the icing on the cake is that the practice manager brought it up.  The thought that I might be able to keep my job if the merge happened had crossed my mind before, but I figured I'd really have to fight for it and negotiate it, so to have it pretty much just handed to me is like . . . perfect.

Obviously the caveat is that if the hospital deal doesn't go through, a second coder isn't really going to be necessary, so if that happens I don't get to keep my job.  So at this point, I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping and praying and wishing that the hospital deal goes through.  I should know by April so . . . here's hoping!

2015: A Year In Review

I'm not going to lie, I'm not completely sober right now.  Jerbs and I decided to say in for New Year (shocking, right?), but I wanted to drink, so I've been mixing my own bloody Mary's.  I think I'm doing a great job, these things are good!  Which might not be a good thing but oh well.  I honestly don't remember the last time I drank this much, but I still want to write about 2015 before it's over so . . . here we go.

I feel like 2015 was all around a pretty great year, with some big amazing things that happened in it.

In January, I took my first ever vacation from work.  I didn't actually go anywhere, but I got to not work for 10 days, and that was fucking amazing.  I've never been able to take off that much time, and I've never gotten paid for taking time off before, so that made me feel very grown up.  We got to visit the Flicks in Phoenix, which is always fun, and my mom and sister came to visit.  It was so nice to have my mom in Flag, because she hadn't been up here in so long.  I really enjoyed my little break.  Of course, coming back to work to no one having done what they were supposed to while I was gone sucked, but water under the bridge now.

In February I turned 30 and had probably the worst birthday of my life.  But also in February, I got to enroll in my CPC class and see Eric Paslay live, so those were both good things.  And Jerbs got a new job and FINALLY got to tell Staples to suck it!  I also found out in February that I was going to be a bridesmaid in Theresa's wedding, which was freaking amazing.

In March we almost moved and then didn't.  Also in March my dad brought up all my STUFF and we put it into storage.  It was nice to see my dad but weird to see all my stuff, I'm still not comfortable with that whole situation, but what can you do?  Someday I'll have space for all of my stuff.  March was also when I hit a rough patch at work and things were tense for awhile, but that passed pretty quickly.  March was also Max's 2nd adoption anniversary and Hollie's 1st adoption anniversary, so they got spoiled that month.

In April . . . nothing really big happened.

In May I got to go to Vegas with Theresa and her now in-laws, and that was one of my favorite parts of this whole year.  Other than that it was a pretty uneventful month, I remember it being really freaking cold for May, because it definitely snowed on a day when I wore a skirt to work.

In June I made a concerted effort to get outside more, and Jerbs and I and the dogs went on a couple nice hikes.  I think Trail Day will be an every summer tradition.  Also in June the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage and I absolutely could not be happier about that.  Truly a beautiful decision and one that I am so glad to have happened during my lifetime.

In July I got to to Shannon's wedding and fly on a plane for the first time.  Traveling with my sister and her friends was definitely an experience!  I was glad to get to travel with Austin, though.  And Shannon's wedding was really just lovely, and I was happy to be there for it.  I'm also glad I got to fly in general, because now I have some confidence about it, so hopefully more trips are in my future.  I definitely want to go back to Colorado someday and explore more.

August was uneventful.  I legit don't remember anything exciting happening then.

In September I went to SLC for the first time and had a great time hanging out with Theresa and her in-laws.  That was such a fun trip.  It was a long drive but honestly, being by myself in the middle of nowhere in the middle of night was, in a weird way, exhilirating and empowering, and I'm really glad I got to have that experience.  At the end of September I took and PASSED my CPC test, and I'm incredibly proud that I was able to do that.  I seriously didn't expect to pass on the first try.

October, obviously, started out with another trip to SLC for Theresa's wedding.  That was probably my favorite part of the whole year, because all of it was just so awesome.  I loved getting to back to SLC, I loved getting to see all these new friends I'd made, I love love loved getting to stand by Theresa at her wedding and seeing her so happy . . . all around, just a sincerely amazing experience, and one that I will always remember and cherish.  I don't remember much else about October, I know we carved pumpkins for Halloween.

In November Jerbs and I got to see Book of Mormon!  That was the stand out moment from November without question.  Also in November, the WE network stopped Law and Order Saturdays, which really bummed me out for awhile.  Thanksgiving was quiet and low key as usual.

In December, we got a decent amount of snow in Flag, which made me happy.  Christmas with my family was fantastic.  And that brings me to right now, which is me wearing fuzzy pants and sipping a bloody Mary, waiting to ring in 2016.

Overall, I enjoyed my 2015.  I think all of the best moments are associated with Theresa's wedding, and I'm really glad I got to be a part of all that.  I traveled a lot this year (to Vegas, to Colorado, to Utah twice, to Sedona) and I'm glad about that.  I am not one to get out much but this year has really shown me that I actually enjoy leaving home now and then, and that I'm capable of doing so.  I definitely want to travel more next year.  I'm also really proud of myself for getting my CPC, I think that was a good decision and one that will lead to good things for me professionally.

The biggest disappointment, as always, is that I didn't lose any weight this year.  I thought for sure being a bridesmaid would be the motivation I finally needed to actually lose weight, which didn't happen.  Maybe 2016 will finally be the year?  Hopefully!

As always, I'm both sad and happy for a new year.  Sad to see 2015 end, happy for a clean slate.

Farewell, 2015, you were lovely!

Christmas Cheer

Here are some random things that have made me happy so far this holiday season.

This hedgehog:

He's a present from my boss, who lives in Florida.  She sent a box to the clinic with a little present for everyone in our department, it was so sweet!  She really did an awesome job picking something that fit each person's personality/interests, which is impressive.  I just love my boss, and I'm so excited and touched that she remembered my hedgehog obsession!  I have 3 of them in my office now.

*****

These decorations at work:

The people in Pod 3 put up some festive and cardiology appropriate decorations around their offices and exam rooms.  I rarely go to Pod 3 but I had to last week to talk to a co-worker, and I came across this.  It made me happy so I had to get a pic.

*****

My new wreath:

I wanted to make a new wreath this year, and this is what I came up with.  I wanted something that was simple and kind of rustic/outdoorsy, festive in an understated, elegant way, and I think I accomplished that.  I got the wreath form at JoAnn's and the poinsettias at Michael's.  I love how it turned out!  It looks so nice on our door.  We put red and white lights around the door too, and it really complemented the wreath nicely.

*****

And that brings me to our Christmas lights!  We put up lights on our porch this year--around the front door, around our window, and along the railing.  It's all very festive.  Unfortunately, I can't get a good picture because of the 2 gigantic pine trees in front of our apartment.  I kind of wish we'd thought of that beforehand because all the work feels a little pointless knowing that our lights pretty much can't be seen.  But we have lights and that's exciting!  And we know they're there.  I did briefly consider trying to climb one of the trees to get a picture, but Jerbs shot down that idea pretty quickly (rightfully so, I have to say).

*****

Being rewarded for our generosity.  The week before Thanksgiving, we got a flyer on our door saying that the office was having a food drive, and that anyone who donated had a chance to win a Target gift card.  I didn't really care about winning, but I wanted to help, so Jerbs and I went out and bought a bunch of canned food and donated it.  Like I said, this was back before Thanksgiving, and I'd honestly kind of forgotten about it.  But today when I got home, there was a Christmas card on our door with a $50 Target gift card and a note from the office thanking us for our donations, and saying that we had donated the most of anyone across all 3 complexes in our little group.  I was so happy!  It's nice to feel like we did something to help AND have been rewarded for it.  It was a very pleasant surprise.

*****

I've also been to a Christmas party for each of my jobs this past week, so that was fun.  The SHAF one was at a Mexican restaurant (Salsa Brava), and I hadn't eaten there in years so it was nice to have a reason to.  We had a raffle for Christmas stockings and got to take home the leftover food, so win win!  I remember that last year I was sick when the SHAF Christmas party happened and didn't get to go, so I was really happy to get to this year.  I don't spend a lot of time with my SHAF co-workers and it was nice to get to.  I didn't realize there were so many SHAF employees to be honest, because I only see a few of them on a regular basis.  The MHC party was last Thursday and it was also a lot of fun.  Last year, only like 15 people came to that one, and this year, most of the staff was there, which definitely made it more fun.  Our white elephant gift exchange was waaaay more entertaining with almost 50 gifts instead of just 15.  (Sadly, I didn't end up with anything good this year).  I really love both of my work families, and am glad to have 2 good jobs with so many good people.

*****

Now I'm just looking forward to going home for Christmas!  Jerbs and I are heading down to Kingman as soon as I'm out of work on Christmas Eve, and I can't wait!

Book of Mormon at Gammage

This past Friday, the 6th, Jerbs and I went down to Phoenix to see the musical The Book of Mormon, and it was absolutely fanfreakingtastic.  We've wanted to see it pretty much since it hit Broadway, and Jerbs bought tickets like the second the tour dates were announced, so we'd been looking forward to it for awhile.  (There was a little SNAFU a few days ago--we'd decided to go to the show on a Friday so I didn't have to take a day off work (going to 2 out of state weddings pretty much killed my PTO), and last Monday, Jerbs looked at the tickets and realized she'd bought them for Thursday, the 5th.  Fortunately she was able to exchange them without much trouble, thank goodness, and we got to go as planned).

The drive to Phoenix wasn't bad, and we made good time (like I've said before, the drive to SLC makes 3 hours in the car feel like nothing).  We got down there and had dinner with Betsy (at this Mexican place that I really would like to go to again, BTW); after dinner we wandered around the mall where the restaurant was for a little while.  Then we headed over to Gammage and oh my gosh the traffic right around the theatre was a nightmare.  I got cut off and almost hit a few times, and by the time we parked I was beyond irritated.  Thankfully we made it inside in time, but just barely--we literally sat down at 7:29 (I saw that while I was turning off my phone) and curtain was at 7:30.

It was well worth the stress, though, because the show was amazing.  It was hysterically funny (laughed so hard I cried more than once) and perfectly over the top offensive.  Not as in I was offended in by it, more in a how did they get away with that kind of way.  (Side note--I know the tour was heading to SLC sometime after AZ, because Jenna and Theresa tried to get tickets and the whole run had sold out--I enjoy imagining the Mormons leaving early because they didn't do their research).  And the cast was really good as well, the female lead apparently went to ASU for her undergrad, which I thought was cool.  It was pretty much a full house, I've never seen Gammage that packed.  The bathroom line at intermission was INSANE.  (Another side note--Gammage actually has donation envelopes in the bathrooms so you can give money to the "Golden Gammage Initiative," which is an initiative to build more bathrooms at Gammage.  Seriously, Golden Gammage.  I was so entertained by that).  We found out after the show that Gammage has already booked the second national tour for their 2017 season, and while I hope I won't still be in AZ by then, if I am I'll totally see it again.

After the show I spent way too much money at the merch table, as I always do at shows, but oh well.  I got good stuff so it was worth it!  And I also, as always, donated to Broadway Cares, because that's something that's really important to me.

Anyway, it was definitely a fun and memorable trip, and it kind of reminded me how much I like going to live music things.  I need to do more stuff like that in the future, for sure!

Happy Day//Making History

Today I woke up to the AMAZING news that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage.  Best start to a day I've had in a long, long, long time.

I'm so unbelievably happy about this.

I feel like I'm part of a generation that was coming of age right as the fight for gay rights was becoming a major issue.  I remember being 17 and a junior in high school and writing my argumentative essay for AP English about why gay marriage should be legal.  At the time I was just starting to question my own sexual orientation and it mattered to me.  I was also pretty sheltered at the time, and since I was raised by fairly liberal parents, I had no idea how much backlash I was going to get for it.  (Seriously, my peer review group for that essay was one of the worst experiences of my life).  Then I went to college, met a bunch of people who were like me (both as far as supporting gay rights and as far as not being heterosexual), and contributed to that fight however I could.  So really, even though I've mostly been on the sidelines and have given support from a distance, I feel like the fight for gay rights has always been a part of my life.  And I've seen a lot of victories and a lot of steps in the right direction, but nothing has felt as good or as significant as this.

I'm happy for all of my friends who can get married legally even if they live in a state that wouldn't typically honor anything but straight marriage.  I'm happy for my friends who are already married and now don't have to worry about their marriage being legal if they move to a different state.  I'm happy we finally have a government that's willing to take a stand for equal rights and apply the law and the constitution fairly and not try to make religious leanings into law.  I'm happy that as a girl who identifies as bisexual, the legality of my (hopefully someday) marriage won't changed based on whether I end up with a man or a woman.

Definitely a day for celebrating.  Thank you, Supreme Court!

Three Years

Yesterday was the third anniversary of the break up.  I know we're kind of at a point where it's weird that I remember it but: A) it was kind of a major event so of course it sticks in my head, and B) I have a tendency to remember dates anyway, and this is definitely not the weirdest one I remember.  Plus the day of the break up was also Ex-Fiance's last day of school, so we were actually counting down to it anyway back then.

Anyway, it makes me feel reflective to think that three years have passed between then--which was absolutely one of the lowest and most awful points of my life--and now, when I'm probably the best I've ever been.  The change never ceases to amaze me.  I remember telling myself that night, "Give it 6 months.  Survive the next 6 months and go from there."  (Six months because at the time, it was both the longest amount of time I could fathom thinking about and the amount of time I thought it would take for us to get back together).  Back then six months seemed like this crazy, daunting amount of time--and now I've survived 3 years, which is 6 times that original goal.  It makes me so fucking proud I can't even tell you.  There really are no words.

The past three years have probably been the most transformative of my adult life.  I've changed more than I ever thought possible.  I think when you suffer from a mental illness for as long as I did, you kind of become convinced that it's the only way you'll ever be able to function, that you're just going to stay sick until it finally kills you.  I thought that whatever level of mental health I reached, it would be perfunctory.  I thought I'd make it to a point where I could function.  To where I could hold down a job and exert a little control over my thoughts and not spend all day every day feeling like I wanted to rip my skin off of my body (legit something I used to feel, btw).  I never expected to thrive.

But I am thriving.  I'm not just holding down a job, I've got a job I truly enjoy at a company whose work I really believe in.  I'm pursuing a career in an area that interests me.  And I've got a whole other job on top of that one!  I'm financially stable and independent.  I'm genuinely happy to be alive and and looking forward to whatever comes next.  I'm not anxious about time passing or what my future's going to be.  (OK, that's not 100% true, because my 30th birthday caused a bit of a quarter life crisis, but now is not the time to talk about it).

I'm not perfect.  There are still things I'm working on and still things I struggle with.  I need to lose weight and I need to manage my money better, but I'm still ahead of where I was in both those areas.  And I definitely, definitely need to find more time to devote to writing and creative pursuits.  Sometimes I get lonely, not necessarily for a significant other, but just for friends.  It sucks to have all my closest friends in other cities or states.  And yes, I know the obvious solution is to make more friends here in Flagstaff, but I have no idea how to make friends as an adult.  Through work is the big one, I'm sure, but my co-workers are all either married moms or hard partying 20-somethings, and I don't fit into either of those groups.  (Seriously, I never would have thought that 30 would have been more awkward than junior high as far as fitting in).

One really weird thing about being three years out from the break up is that I tend to not realize how much stuff I've done since it happened.  A lot of it is small things.  Like sometimes, I'll be re-watching something on Netflix (because let's be real, I pretty much watch the same 5 or 6 shows over and over), and I'll randomly catch myself trying to remember what my ex thought of it, and then I'll remember that I didn't start watching it until after I moved back to Flagstaff.  And it's just kind of trippy how much life has happened since then, from the small stuff like TV shows to the big stuff like mental health.  Honestly, sometimes it seems like everything with him never even happened, and it breaks my heart to feel that way, because I did genuinely love him.  So many things have come after, though, that that time is kind of buried under all of it.  Even a lot of the happier memories are starting to fade, and when they spring to mind (because they do from time to time), I find myself questioning the details instead of smiling.  It makes me so damn sad to think that how I felt about him has faded away like other memories do.  I genuinely didn't think that would happen, and I don't like that it has, because it just feels wrong somehow.

It's hard to put into words how I feel about my ex and the whole situation three years later.  It's not a consistent feeling.  Most days I don't think about him, but there are times when I inexplicably miss him.  Sometimes there's a trigger, like a song that comes on or something someone says or whatever, sometimes it's just totally out of nowhere.

I can tell you that I'm still not 100% over it.  To be honest, some of that is because I won't let myself let it go.  I can tell you that I'm not angry at him for breaking up with me anymore.  I am angry that he never came back.  More precisely, I'm angry that after I left, and then after he saw that I was getting better, he was never curious about whether it might work between us then.  I'm angry that he never made an effort to get to know the real me.

I wonder, all the time, about that.  I have for three years now.  I wonder what it would be like to be around another now.  If we'd still get along.  If that spark that was there on our first date would still be there, if all those old feelings would come rushing back.  I wonder about him, too, sometimes.  About what he's been up to since we broke up, about what his life's been like, about this experience from his perspective.  Aside from him moving back to his hometown a year after we broke up, I don't know anything about his life now.

I know, for sure, that I still regret screwing up and letting him go.  That hasn't changed, nor will it anytime soon.  I had an amazing man, we were so in love, and I completely fucked that up.  I wish so much that I had done things differently back then.  I may end up completely over my ex someday, I may end up married and spend my life with somebody else, but that regret will never go away.  I'm OK with that.  Corey will always be my one that got away, period, and I'll always wonder what might have been.

I fell in love with him on our first date, and I do still love him.  I would love to just talk to him, about us and everything that happened and where we are now and just see if there's anything still there, because I still feel like I haven't completely gotten closure where we're concerned.  If the opportunity for a conversation ever came up, if he were to contact me, I'd absolutely listen.  As much as I'm sure that'll never happen, I'm always going to hold out a little hope, because that's just who I am.  I'm not sorry for it.

But that hope, and the fact that I would still like another chance with him, doesn't rule my life and it absolutely won't stop me from living my life.  I want that to be clear: I'm not just hanging around hoping/wishing/praying for my ex to walk back into my life.  I've got my own plans and I intend to follow them.

So that's that, I suppose.  Three years behind me and my whole life ahead of me.  I am so excited for whatever the future holds, whether my ex is involved or not.  And I am truly grateful for these past three years, because even though they started with this awful heartbreak, they have been amazing.  I love who I am now and where I am now, and I've loved being able to figure out who I am as a person and embrace that.  I'm happy to be healthy, and I'm happy to be happy!

Las Vegas

So I am home safe and sound and in one piece from my trip to Vegas.  It was AMAZING and well worth how completely exhausted I was at work yesterday.  I love Vegas,  I love Theresa, I love her fiancee (Jenna), I love her future in-laws, I loved this whole weekend!

First some background.  I don't know if I ever actually mentioned it, but I'm a bridesmaid in Theresa's wedding this October, which I couldn't be happier or more excited about.  I feel so incredibly honored to have been asked!  The bridal party is pretty scattered:  I'm in Flagstaff, Theresa's other two bridesmaids live in Las Vegas and China, and her fiancee's bridesmaids are split between California and Colorado.  The China and Colorado people couldn't make it, but 4 of the 6 of us were there.  This trip has been planned since, like, February, so I've been looking forward to it for awhile.

I took Friday, the first, off from work so that I could get on the road at a decent hour and stop in Kingman on my way.  I went to my mom's and she had completely forgotten I was coming, so I unintentionally got to surprise her.  I got to town just before Austin was getting out of school, so I went to the bus stop with her to pick him up.  He was super surprised and RAN over to me as soon as he was off the bus, and totally knocked me over.  I told him he's just getting too strong for me, and he told me it's because he works out.  (True story).  After we got in my car to go to lunch, he said, "I KNEW one of these days you were going to come, Auntica."  I just love him.  We let him pick where to go for lunch, which of course meant we went to Cracker Barrel (side note: I always let him pick the restaurant because I know that's what he'll pick).  After we had lunch, I mentioned I needed to run to WalMart and buy a charger for my phone before I headed out (I forgot to pack my charger, natch).  So my mom said she needed a few things and asked if we could just go together, so I said sure.

Well, I should know better.  When my mom says she just needs a few things, it actually means we're going to be at the store for at least an hour and that we're going to leave with a cart full of groceries.  Groceries that then had to be loaded into my car and then unloaded at my mom's.  By the time I got gas and left Kingman I was an hour behind where I wanted to be, which was disappointing.

Also disappointing was the drive over the bridge to bypass the Hoover Dam.  I watched that thing being built for so long and was looking forward to driving it, but the sides are so high that you can't see anything over the edge.  Kind of a bummer.

I got to Vegas and promptly got lost, in part because I had directions to the hotel where I'd be staying but since I was running late, by the time I got to Vegas we were meeting up with Jenna's parents at their hotel for dinner.  I don't know how I manage this crap, I've only been to Vegas like a hundred times, but whatever.  Long story short, I did eventually get to where I needed to be and found Theresa and it was all uphill from there.

Friday night we (we being me, Theresa, Jenna, Jenna's parents, and Jenna's brother in law) walked over to the Bellagio and watched the dancing fountains for awhile.  Then we went back to Jenna's parents' hotel and played Cards Against Humanity, which was hilarious and very entertaining.  Later Jenna's sisters (AKA her bridesmaids) got there so I  got to meet them.  We ended up hitting the casino for a bit, and then went to our hotel, which was an amazing 2 bedroom 2 bathroom suite (seriously bigger than my apartment).  Theresa and Jenna had one room, Jenna's sister and her husband had the other, and I had the pull out couch in the living room.

Saturday was dress shopping day.  We started with a Starbucks run, then had an appointment at a bridesmaid dress shop in Henderson.  The place was honestly a little meh, we did find some things we liked but the issue was that they didn't come in the right colors (particularly the green that Theresa wanted for her side).  We ended up picking dresses, but decided to go to the later appointment at David's Bridal just to see how that went.  Between appointments we had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory, where I'd never eaten before, so that was fun.  It's a good thing we don't have one of those here because I'd be freaking fatter than I already am.

The David's Bridal appointment was much better than the first appointment, there were a lot more options as far as dresses, and we all got to just pull whatever we wanted to try on, so we ended up with a huge variety of dresses to look at.  (Plus the bonus of hearing Jenna's mom offering her opinion to the couple girls there who were trying on wedding dresses, it was hilarious).  As much as I hate trying on clothes and then essentially modeling them, it was actually fun.  We chose dresses there (the same dress for each side, in different colors) and I LOVE the dress we picked.  Plus the price was legit half of what it was at the other place, so bonus.  (Side note:  I totally teared up while we were dress shopping, because . . . I don't know.  This is a whole new experience for me, and it's so awesome to think that randomly meeting years ago led to that, y'know?  I don't have a whole lot of friends from college, and I've burned a lot of bridges, so to know that there is a person I met in college who still likes me, who likes me enough to want me to be in her wedding, was kind of overwhelming.  I don't even care how lame that makes me sound, it's true).

After the dresses we had dinner at a buffet, which was completely empty because it was fight night.  At some point after dinner, Theresa and I and her future brother in law went back to our hotel to change or something, and I left my wallet there.  So when we got back to the other hotel/casino to gamble, I had no freaking money.  I was so mad at myself!  And since it was fight night the traffic was horrendous, so going back to get it was absolutely not an option.  In retrospect, it's probably a good thing because I ended up spending way less money than I anticipated, but it still sucked.  After awhile Theresa and I just went and people watched on the strip, but that was kind of terrifying because it was so packed (again, fight night) so we went back inside and people watched.  Still entertaining.

Sunday morning we swam at Jenna's parent's hotel and had lunch there before we headed out.  I ended up leaving the same time Theresa and Jenna did.  I stopped in Kingman on my way back and got to spend some time with my dad, which was nice.  I ended up getting home way later than intended (Jenna and Theresa got back to SLC before I got back to Flagstaff so . . . yeah).  Work yesterday was just pure torture but it was worth it!

Overall, it was just a fantastic trip with some fantastic people, and I'm so glad I got to go.  Theresa and I have had a lot of great experiences together and we have a lot of great memories, and this weekend will definitely be one that stands out.

Better(ish) . . . I Think?

I've felt a little better since my last post.  Maybe not a ton, but enough to notice.  I honestly don't know where that little down swing came from . . . it wasn't menstrual, it wasn't a lack of medication, it was just a random thing.  To be honest, something still feels off, not quite right, but I can't figure out what or why.  So for now, I'm just kind of muddling through, until it either resolves itself or I figure out what's going on and how to fix it.

Thanksgiving was good.  Jerbs and I stayed in Flagstaff and did our dinner from Sprouts, and watched Thanksgiving episodes of TV shows on Netflix.  It was stupidly, frustratingly warm and sunny on Thanksgiving, and that kind of sucked.

Then on Black Friday, my best friend from college, Theresa got engaged!  She and her fiance were in town for a little while, so I got to have dinner with them and a few other of their college friends, and it was so nice!  I am so unbelievably happy for Theresa that I can't even put it into words.  She and her fiance just seem so happy and good together, and it's good to see her so content and thriving.  Seeing them together, and seeing her in such a good place, made me really think about some of the things in my life, and made me want to re-commit to some of the stuff I've been neglecting.

I was sick most of this past week, with a milder version of what I had in October, and that sucked.  I'm finally feeling better, but my head still feels stuffy. 

Other than that I've just been working.  A lot.  I'm still having a bit of a love/hate relationship with my second job.  There are just some aspects of it that make me so uncomfortable . . . mostly calling people and telling them their dues declined.  It's just kind of an unpleasant experience that I put off and avoid as much as I can.  But I don't want to give it up, because the extra money is just so helpful . . . and really, the whole billing cycle thing only takes about the first two weeks out of the month, which isn't so bad.  I can suck it up and deal.

One good thing, though, is that MHC is going to pay for me to get my medical coding certification, which is exciting.  I think it'll be really good for me, mostly in the sense of making me more useful for future jobs, and if I don't have to pay for it, why not?  I should be able to enroll in January, and I'll have my certification by July at the latest.  I'm looking forward to it, even if I'm a little worried about how I'll find time to study with everything else I've got going on.

Lately

I am more busy right now than I've ever been.  It's fantastic.

For the past two weeks my days (Mondays and Wednesdays, anyhow) have typically been going like this: wake up, get to MHC by 8:30, work until I take my lunch break at 2:00, run across the street to SHF and do as much work as I can in about 45 minutes, go back to MHC and finish out my day there, head back to SHF a little before 6, do my work there until about 7, hit the elliptical for 40(ish) minutes, and by then it's 8 PM and Jerbs is getting off work so I pick her up and head home.  It makes for roughly 12 hour days.  It's kind of nice but exhausting.  Fortunately next week should be a little easier because the billing cycle (ie super busy time) at SHF is pretty much done.

I got sick at work on Thursday.  A pharm rep had brought pizza for lunch, and I had a couple slices, and it just didn't agree with me.  I ended up leaving around 2, coming home, and not being able to keep down anything but water and crackers for the rest of the night.  Lovely.

But today was Saturday, and Jerbs was off, and I didn't have to go to either of my jobs, and it was rainy and cool out . . . basically a perfect set up for a day.  Jerbs and I had lunch, ran some errands, went to the mall and played with kittens at the adoption center there (because we're 5), took the dogs to the pond and let them run around, and watched Mean Girls on Netflix.  Life is good.

Kittens!  The two chasing the toy are flame point siameses, the one on the far right
is an orange and white DSH.  Her name is Strawberry.  Best hour of the day.

Monsoon-y evening at the pond.  It's a little blurry because I was holding Hollie's
leash and she was pulling to get to the ducks.

2 Years of Evolution

So I was actually going to write this post back at the end of the May (around the 2 year break up anniversary), but then . . . I just got busy and it got pushed to the back burner and I ended up not getting around to it then.

But the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that today—the first of July—is actually a more appropriate anniversary for this journey I've been on. Because, even though it was on May 25^th that Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married, that relationship didn't truly end—and I didn't truly start to focus on myself and getting better—until I moved back up to Flagstaff. And that happened two years ago today.

Honestly, it's hard to even know where to begin when I talk about this. I've changed so drastically since that day two years ago that I barely know how to put it into words. I've talked about it a lot on here, in bits and pieces, but summing it all up is a challenge.

The day that Ex-Fiance drove me to Flagstaff felt like the worst of my life. To say I was miserable would be a pretty major understatement. I remember the anxiety and numbness coming in waves: my stomach knotting up, palms sweating, heart racing, and then a sudden detachment, a sense of almost nothingness, like I was outside of my body and all around not a part of what was going on. I didn't want to be in Flagstaff; I kept thinking that there was no way I was ever going to get better in the place where my life had completely fallen apart. I kept thinking about my nephew and and saying goodbye to him and how awful that had been, and how bitter I was at being forced out of my hometown and away from my family. At the time I had a crappy job and really didn't know how I was going to survive financially. I knew I needed a full time job, but I also knew that I wasn't mentally well enough to hold down a full time job . . . and I wasn't going to be able to afford treatment without a full time job. (How's that for a vicious cycle?). I didn't have a car and I was dreading having to depend on the bus system. And on top of that I had just gotten dumped; I was with the man I loved, the man I had fully intended to spend the rest of my life with, the man I was supposed to have married just the day before, and I knew that at the end of the day he was going to leave. I remember that he stuck around for a few hours, and that I felt like I was going to throw up when he finally said he needed to get going. He kissed me and told me he loved me before he left; I stood on my porch and watched him drive away and wished that I was dead.

On that day my life just didn't make sense. I looked at it from all the angles I could, and it sucked from every single one. I don't think I'd ever felt more defeated than I did that day. My future—to me, at least—looked bleak. Very, very bleak.

Today, two years later, I am happier than I've ever been. And it was just a normal, busy day; I got up, went to work (at both jobs), and came home to Jerbs and my dogs. That's probably the best part about being mentally healthy—that the normal, uneventful, everyday kind of days are happy ones. When I was sick I hated being alive, hated having to live through every day, but now I'm truly engaged in my life and myself. It's such a good feeling.

I've come so far in two years. I got an amazing full time job, and I've been excelling at it for almost 18 months now. I feel like a lot of my personal growth has come from my job at MHC, for a lot of reasons. The financial stability has been great, and has led to a lot less anxiety about money. I've also been able to start getting my credit on track. Aside from that, I feel like I've become a lot more confident about myself since I started at MHC. I've taken on more responsibility there than I ever imagined I would; some of the things that have been added to my work load are things that, when I first started, I didn't think I could do or would want to do. But now, I'm pretty sure I could do anything that was asked of me at work; I'm very confident in my abilities. And the confidence that's come from everything I do at MHC is what let me to be sure I could handle a second job. And let me tell you that having two jobs makes me feel absolutely amazing.

It's also been a great experience to work with people who don't know me as being sick. My co-workers like me, and just think of me as me. And it's been nice to be looked at like a normal person, to have been able to make friends and just . . . I don't know, show people who I really am. When you think about it, my MHC co-workers are the first group of people who have ever met me without knowing anything about my mental health history. And I'm definitely not saying that I feel like other people in my life have been judgmental; I'm just saying that it's kind of nice to have people in my life who never saw me like that. They make me feel normal.

I've stopped overreacting to things. I feel like in the past, things that were pretty small and insignificant would make me freak out. Like changes in schedules or the store being out of something I needed or whatever. Those little things would just make me go ballistic and ruin my whole day. Now, those things just don't bother me. And even bigger things that happen don't bother me as much. Like the flat tire on my way to work last month. Old me would have lost my shit. I'd probably have cried and screamed and kicked my car. I wouldn't have had the money to pay for a tow or new tire and I'd have made Jerbs wake up and meet me so she could take care of it. I probably would have been so upset that I'd have called in to work because I wouldn't have been able to focus after freaking out. And then I'd have come home and thrown myself a huge pity party and thought about all the reasons my life sucked. But instead, I rolled my eyes, grumbled a little bit (because no one WANTS to get a flat tire on their way to work on a Monday morning), and took care of it. I joked with the tow truck driver, passed the time at the tire shop playing Angry Birds on my phone, and then went to work. And that was just that. It didn't even remotely ruin my day.

I've stopped focusing on other people's lives and letting them effect me. Before I dreaded reading Facebook statuses because every little thing just . . . I don't know, made me get all over analytical about my own life. Any time a friend would get engaged or get married or move or get a job or really succeed in any way, I'd have an anxiety attack about the fact that I wasn't succeeding. I felt like a failure and everyone else's successes just reinforced that over and over again. It got to points where I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else and would get far too wrapped up in other people's lives for my own good. Now when I hear about good things happening to other people on Facebook, I'm just happy for them. I'm doing well enough in my own life, at this point, that I can come back to it easily. And even more than that, I want to come back to it. No matter how well anyone I know is doing, I like my own life better. I used to dread the future but now I'm excited about it. I see so much potential in myself and I know I'm going to accomplish great things.

I've stopped feeling like I need to define myself and become more OK with all of the parts of my personality co-existing. Before I felt like I had to pick who I was and whenever I did anything I wondered about how that fit into this over arching definition of me. For example, I remember once I got to thinking that I hadn't done a sewing project in a while. So I decided I wanted to sew something. And what should have been as easy as picking a pattern, grabbing some fabric, and setting up my machine turned into a massive anxiety attack because I just didn't know if I was the type of person who sewed. Does that make sense? My head made it a far bigger thing than it was, I guess. I just didn't know how to reconcile all the things I enjoyed into one personality. It seems so ridiculous now but it was a very serious issue at the time. And now I really get that I can be all the things I like and it's all just part of who I am. I sew, I write, I read, I hike, I work out . . . and it's all fine. I can do all those things without worrying about what they mean.

In general, my mind just feels more mine than it used to. I feel like I didn't used to have a lot of control over where my thoughts would go and what they would do; it was to the point that I couldn't really read books or watch TV or movies because I never knew how they'd effect my thought process. It sounds crazy but it's true. I was so afraid of the anxiety or depression or mania or whatever might come up that I just avoided anything I hadn't read or seen before. And it's silly but I missed those things, and having them back is a small victory but a victory nonetheless.

One thing that I haven't talked much about on here is that I've found my faith since I started this journey two years ago. I used to be a staunch atheist. And while I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, my views in that area have definitely shifted. I don't know that I'd call myself a Christian, and I haven't read the Bible, and I don't go to church, but I do believe in God. I feel like my faith is something I want to experience on my own terms; I pursue a personal relationship with a higher power and that's that. I will say that I pray a lot, and that I feel very blessed. I see God at work every day in my own life. Like I said, I don't talk about it much, because it's very private.

Right now, I really do love my life. It's not perfect but it's wonderful, and I'm happy. I love where I live, I love what I do, and I love who I am. I am aware, every single day, of how fortunate I am to have gotten where I am from where I was. And I am thankful, every single day, for everything that got me there: for God, for my family, for Jerbs, for my ex, and for my own determination.

It hasn't been an easy journey, but it has been a beautiful one. As much pain and struggle as there's been, I don't think I'd change a thing.

So

It's been 3 weeks since I wrote anything here.  I think that's the longest I've gone without blogging since I started back in 2012.

Honestly, the past few weeks have just been kind of a struggle.  Not consistently, it's been up and down.  Not to bipolar extremes but I've had some really good days and some not so great days.  In general, things just feel kind of off, and I'm not exactly sure why.  I think an internal struggle is finally resolving itself and while that's probably a good thing, it's kind of . . . off putting?  I'll write more about that part of it later.  For now, a general catch up.

It's getting warm out, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not dreading summer like I usually do.  (We'll see how I feel about it 2 months from now, though).  It's actually kind of nice to be able to go outside and take the dogs on long walks and stuff.  Jerbs and I have been taking the dogs to the duck pond near our house; we let them run around without their leashes for a little while every time and it's hilarious.  Hollie loves to run and she's fast!  Max--who absolutely adores Hollie--actually gets scared of her sometimes when she's zooming around and trying to get him to join her.

But it's great having Hollie here.  Adopting her was definitely a great decision.  She's very well behaved and happy, and aside from some stomach issues (her stomach basically shrank from all the time she wasn't fed regularly, and now we have her on a feeding schedule to slowly expand it so she doesn't throw up), we've had a great time with her.  She's had a few accidents in the house but was mostly house broken when we got her, so that's awesome.  She knows how to sit now and she jumps in the car on her own when we go out.
 And most importantly, she's had an amazing effect on Max.  Seriously, he is like a whole new dog since we got her.  He's more confident (he even let a stranger pet him at Staples the other day!), he's happier, he's more playful, and he's better behaved.  In fact, we've been able to stop crating him when we're not home--we even disassembled his crate on Sunday.  It made me so happy.  We're also starting to leave off his bark collar when we're not home and it's going well.  I think with Hollie around he's too distracted to be anxious or destructive.  I love it.  The two of them play together all the time and it's hilarious.  Like I said, definitely a great decision.

My little April fitness challenge is going so so.  I'm not doing great but I'm doing OK.  Which is pretty typical for me when it comes to this stuff.  Last time I weighed myself (about a week ago) I had gained a pound and a half, but all my measurements (except arms) had gone down by at least a quarter inch, so that's good.  My work pants are fitting looser in the hips too, so that's nice.  Slow but steady.  I'm making small improvements as I feel able to.  I've definitely been drinking less soda and more water this month, and I've been trying new workout videos too.  And even on days when I've eaten fast food I've stayed under my MFP calorie limit, for the most part.  Weekends are still tricky but no big deal.  One thing I've really been working on lately is getting enough sleep, and that's been incredibly helpful.  Who knew that that 8 hours a night thing actually worked, right?  I never slept more than 6 hours a night in college and then after I graduated and got sick my sleep schedule was a complete and utter cluster fuck, so I honestly think I'm just now starting to figure out what works for me where that's concerned.

Work is good right now.  Busy and at times frustrating but good.  I feel like busy and sometimes frustrating is fairly normal for any job, so I think I'm doing well.  And really, the frustration is really passing.  When I find myself annoyed with a co-worker I'm usually over it like 10 minutes later.  So whatever.  I'm looking forward to May, because I get three paychecks (woohoo!!) and they'll be bigger because my gym membership is finally falling off in May.

I think that's about it.  For the moment, anyhow.

What's Up With Ica?

I feel like a blog slacker lately.  And that's dumb because there's actually a lot I want to write about so . . . here's a pretty random mish mash of what's going on in my life.

1.  The debit card debacle.  Back on New Years Eve I got an email from my bank, basically saying that my card had been compromised (in that whole Target thing that happened) and they were sending me a new one.  A week later I still didn't have my new card so I called the customer service line and apparently there was an error in my address (the zip code was missing).  I updated the address and was told by what I'm assuming is the dumbest CSR at Compass that I had to actually go into my bank to request another card be sent since the first one had been returned.  So I did that on January 8th, and the teller at the bank said that since I was requesting it in person my current card had to be canceled.  Which meant no debit card until my new one came, which was supposed to happen in 7-10 business days.  Well, jump ahead three weeks and I'm still debit card-less, so I went into the bank and asked WTF was going on, and basically got told to be more patient.  A week later, after 4 weeks of no debit card, I called customer service, and found out that the dumbest CSR ever had somehow removed my apartment number from my address.  Awesome.  So I updated that and then was told that I had to call back after 24 hours and request that another card be sent and that it could be rushed to me at no charge.  I did that, and was told that since it was being rushed I'd have to be home to sign for it when it came.  Which obviously ticked me off because I'm not home during the day . . . but whatever.  At this point I'd decided to switch banks but I still wanted Compass to hold up their end of things and get me my freaking card.  So this past Friday I opened a checking and savings account at a different bank, and I'll be closing my Compass account this week.  And my Compass debit card also came this past Friday, and I didn't have to sign for it; it was sitting on my porch when I got home from dinner with Jerbs.  Seriously, WTF.  I'm glad it's almost done with, and I'm excited about my new bank!

2.  The financial controller at my work jokingly gave me crap about coming to work on my birthday.  And the conclusion of the conversation was her telling me that next year I absolutely have to because no one should work on their birthday.  Not really a big deal, but it makes me so happy that it's just an assumption that I'll still be working there on my next birthday.  I love having a job that actually feels stable and where it actually feels like I'm wanted.

3.  I've been a slacker in the fitness department for the past week or so but for some reason, my motivation seems to have come back all at once today.  I did OK diet wise and worked out for almost an hour (work out videos at home).  I also created a kind of work out regimen with online work out videos, and I'm really excited about it.  It took a lot to get up and work out this evening but man, I felt awesome afterwards.  Sometimes I forget how much better I feel when I'm working out consistently.

4.  Someone on MFP posted this long rant in the forums about how ridiculous/confusing it is that mental illness is suddenly "cool" and that people are "bragging" about stuff like being bipolar and acting like it's a badge of honor.  I won't lie, it, and some of the responses to it, kind of upset me.  But I didn't let it get to me and I have since concluded that what this person really has a problem with is the fading of the stigma that's always existed when it comes to mental illness.  It's becoming less and less of a shameful thing that needs to be hidden and more of an issue that needs to be addressed to be beaten.  I guess it's really not surprising that some people are uncomfortable with that, but still.  At any rate, I want to say that I absolutely don't think being bipolar is a badge of honor--but overcoming bipolar sure as hell is, and I'll wear it with pride for the rest of my life.

5.  I found out yesterday that Lithium can cause severe acne, which explains why my skin has royally sucked the past couple years (after being damn near flawless my whole life).  Obviously I'm not going to stop taking Lithium in favor of better skin but I'm kind of glad to know why it's happening.

6.  In general, right now, I'm just feeling very optimistic and happy.  And I love it.

Twenty.Nine

Yep.  Twenty nine.

I have officially entered the last year of my twenties.  That thought is just freaking nuts.  I'm still having a little trouble wrapping my head around it.

So how did I spend my birthday?

At work, of course!  Fighting with Medicare on the phone!

But all in all it was a good birthday.  My sister and Austin sent me flowers at work, my parents both gave me money, and I got cards from Jerbs' parents and her grandma.  My co-workers all dropped by to wish me happy birthday and in general I felt pretty loved.  After work I picked up Plaza Bonita to go, because I definitely deserve awesome Mexican food on my birthday, and came home and just relaxed.

One thing that is distinctly good about this birthday is that it's the most mentally healthy I've ever been on my birthday, and that's an amazing feeling.

So here's to 29.  I fully plan on owning this year and making it an awesome one.

I'm Good At Something!

And by something, I mean my job.

I've been at MHC for a year now (as of 1.16.14), and yesterday my boss and I finally got around to doing my annual performance review.  I hate hate hate stuff like that and I was dreading it, but it actually went really well!  My boss had nothing but good things to say AND I got a raise.  So I'm pretty happy with that.

It's still strange to have a job I like, that I'm good at, where I'm appreciated and rewarded for what I do.

But strange in a good way.

Anyway, I am so genuinely happy with what I'm doing now.  I fully intend to stay at MHC until I leave Arizona.

A good review and a raise almost make up for the fact that I am still without a debit card, and for the fact that I have been ridiculously, insanely lonely lately.

But those are things for other entries.

Finally A Good Night's Sleep!

I went to bed at 11:15 last night.  11:15!  That's earlier than I go to bed on work nights.  And let me tell you, it was glorious.  I slept straight through the night until 6:20 in the morning . . . 7 continuous hours of sleep.  I don't remember the last time that happened!  My awesome night of sleep was the result of a very long and very busy day.

Back in October my boss sent me an email about this one day conference type deal that was happening in Cottonwood, which is about an hour from Flagstaff.  It was just a few speakers, and in particular there was a speaker from Medicare coming to talk about coding and whatnot.  Our CEO requested that my boss invite someone to go with her, and she invited me.  So I said I'd go, and then nothing was ever said about it again.  Like, nothing.  And as the date got closer I just kind of assumed we weren't going for whatever reason.  Then this past Thursday my boss was like oh shit, that thing is this weekend!

So Friday night I stayed up too late and went to bed at 1:30 AM; then on Saturday morning my alarm clock went off at 4:30.  It was very unpleasant.  But I dragged myself out of bed, got ready to go, and drove over to MHC in the snow (it was coming down pretty hard).  (I have to say, I love having an SUV.  I felt so much better driving that in the snow than any of the other cars I've had).  Thankfully my boss drove to Cottonwood.

The conference was good.  There were 3 speakers: a heart surgeon who went over ICD-10 stuff, an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in hands and didn't talk about billing/coding at all, and then a Medicare medical director who talked about ICD-10 and Medicare.  It was all actually very interesting.  I definitely learned some stuff that'll help me out in the future and I'm glad for that.  Medicare is such a complicated insurance that I think really knowing it will be a good thing for my career in this field.  And the conference ended an hour early, so we got home an hour early, which was awesome.

I took a little power nap when I got home and then Jerbs and I went out to dinner and then did some shopping.  We got home a little before 10, and I spent almost an hour just lying in my bed before I realized that I wasn't actually going to be able to stay up.

Anyway, that was my Saturday.  As much as I kind of didn't want to go to the conference I'm glad I did, because I learned a lot, and of course it never hurts to make a good impression on my boss, right?

Now on to my usual Sunday crap, yay.  I'm excited for this coming week, though, because it's only 3 days of work followed by 4 days off!  Can't beat that!

On Being Social

This past Saturday, B and a few of her friends were in town for the day.  There was a small anime con at Little America and they were up here for that, and then later in the evening Jerbs and I met up with them for dinner, which turned into dinner then coffee then drinks.  It really was just a fantastic evening.  Good food, good company . . . you can't really go wrong with that.  It's always nice to see B (and we don't see each other nearly enough these days in my opinion) and catch up with her, and the people she was with (none of whom I'd met before) were all awesome.  Plus it was just nice to get out of the house, because that's unusual for me . . . not that I'm complaining, I'm definitely a homebody, but every once in awhile, y'know?

We had dinner at a pizza place, and can I tell you that I loved paying for my own dinner and someone else's?  Maybe that's weird but I spent so long always having Jerbs or someone else treat me and it made me feel so losery.  So being out and paying my own way felt awesome!  I felt like an adult.  Or at least, as much as I can feel like an adult when I'm with Jerbs and B.

Anyway, besides being just an awesome night with friends, it was another one of those times that just made me understand very clearly how much better I am than I used to be.

I don't think I have to say that in the past, when I was sick, social experiences were a complete and utter nightmare for me.  I'm convinced this is why I have so few friends from college--because I always hated going out and being around people.  Even people I genuinely liked.  It was bad in college but it got much worse after.  It got to a point that going out with people made me question who I was.  It's hard to explain but it just fed my identity issues.  I think it was because I'd always end up comparing myself to the people I was with and, in a way, wondering if I should be more like them and feeling bad that I wasn't.  It would also make me feel kind of split--like who I was in my daily life wasn't the same as who I was when I was out with my friends, like somehow I was two different people and I had no clue which one was the real me.  It was awful.  It gave me anxiety attacks.  Plus when I was sick I was socially awkward: I always felt like I was too loud, like I talked too fast, like I was just kind of obnoxious and that no one wanted to really be around me.

But this weekend I felt none of those things.  I'm pretty sure I made some new friends, and that's great.  I feel like I'm actually quite likable now.  And not once did I question myself or where I am in life.  Talking to B and her friends about what they're doing with their lives was just interesting.  Just part of the conversation.  And when I got home, I felt whole instead of split.  I felt like I was just me--a girl who works in medical billing and writes and sews and gabs with old friends and drinks bloody marys and whatever.  Like all the parts of me made sense.  It was seriously one of the best feelings ever.  I don't think I'd realized until now how much better those particular issues had gotten, and I am over the moon to have done so.  When I went to work on Monday I felt like I fit in with my co-workers just as well as with my college friends.  Truly glorious.

I love these reminders of my mental health.  It makes me so happy.  So so happy.