2014: A Year In Review

I feel like every year, on New Year's Eve, I say, "I can't believe the year is over, it feels like it just flew by."  And tonight is no exception, but I feel like tonight, I mean it more sincerely then ever before.  I feel like it can't possibly have been a whole year ago that I wrote this post about 2013.  I honestly think that's one of the reasons I've felt off the past few weeks--because the year has just gone by so freaking fast!  It's actually kind of disappointing, because I look back and feel like I didn't enjoy it enough, like I didn't engage enough, like I missed out on a lot, like the year went by too quickly and now I'm kicking myself for not taking more advantage of it.  Maybe that's weird, but it's definitely how I feel.  At the same time, I think that maybe this is just how the passage of time feels when you're just living, and there isn't this grand overarching struggle that you're trying to overcome.

Because really, the past few years have come with built in challenges and really, really specific goals.  2011 was the start of my attempt at mental health, and in 2012 I got my heart broken and had to get over a break up and figure out who I was after my engagement ended, and and 2013 was a re-commitment to mental health.  Those were definitive things that were wrong, and I overcame them, and so those years just felt like successes.  Especially 2013, which is the year I really got my shit together, the year I really started to excel.  But 2014 . . . well, 2014 was really just about maintaining that level of success and health.  It's the first year of my adult life that's ever been about maintaining, and just living.  And I think maybe that concept was more of an adjustment than I'd realized, because it honestly wasn't something I thought about being an issue.  In the past, I was always just focused on getting mentally healthy, and I never thought about what came after.

I don't think 2014 was a particularly great year.  It wasn't particularly bad either, though.

In January I celebrated a full year of working at Mountain Heart, which was a huge milestone for me.  I was so proud of myself for being able to hold down a full time job for a whole year, and for being good at my job and really excelling.  And now, I'm proud that in a couple weeks, I'll celebrate two years there.

In February, I turned 29, which has turned out to be a pretty awkward age for me.  And two weeks after my birthday, I lost Benji.  Hands down, that was the worst part of my year.  No question about it.  I miss Benji every single day, and it's still so strange to me that he's not here.  But I really believe I'll see him again someday, and I also believe that he's in Heaven and watching over me.

In March, I adopted Hollie, and she turned out to be the best decision ever as far as Max was concerned.  She's a great dog in and of herself, but she's made Max a much, much better dog.  Those two are best friends, and that makes me happy.

In April . . . I don't remember much of April, to be honest.  Or May.

In June, I got a second job.  It's been helpful but also stressful, and I don't think I've quite mastered the whole balancing one job against the other, and balancing having two jobs with having a non-work life, so that's something I'll be working on this coming year.  I'm really excited, though, to have my second job, and I'd like to hold onto it for the entire year.

In July, Jerbs and I had a quiet Independence Day.  That was the day I got pulled over and the cop asked me if I was Jerbs' mom . . . not the best moment.  But I got to see my family, which is always nice.

In August, my sister and I did the Climb to Conquer Cancer again, and it was awesome.  That was also the month that I adopted Si'l Vous Plait, my Siamese cat.  He's curled up by my feet right now, and he's just the cutest thing.

In September, I finally started seeing a new psychiatrist, and that was a huge weight off my shoulders.  It's never easy to start over like that, but it's been worth it.

October and November were pretty uneventful.  I did go to the NAU Homecoming game for the first time since 2009, and that was one of my favorite days of the whole year.  Halloween was stressful, but Thanksgiving was nice and quiet and relaxing.

December has been disappointing weather wise.  We had a really mild winter last year, and I was hoping for a less mild one this year, but it was a dry season.  We finally got a decent amount of snow today (it's up to my knees in some spots!), so that's nice, and I kind of like the idea of a snowy new year.  I did really enjoy Christmas, though, and I'm glad I was able to spend it with my family.

And now here we are with only about 20 minutes left in 2014.  It makes me sad, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to 2015.  There are some changes I'm ready to make, and I'm prepared to take my 30's by storm.  I'm going into 2015 healthy and hopeful (second year in a row I can say that, go me!), and I think it will be a good year.  I am ringing it in at home, with Jerbs, because it's way too cold to do anything else.

So good-bye, 2014; you were a decent year of living a grown up life.

Christmas 2014

All in all, I had a lovely Christmas this year.

I spent it in Kingman, with my family, and Jerbs got to come, which is always nice.  In the weeks before Christmas I was unhappy because most of my co-workers took Christmas Eve off, and I didn't want to have to be at work all day and not get to Kingman until late.  Then on the 23rd, our medical director decided that billing didn't need to be there on Christmas Eve, so we all got the day off.  I was beyond thrilled, and knowing I could spend more time at home definitely improved my Christmas spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we slept in a little, then loaded up the car, and were in Kingman by 4 PM.

I got to see my mom's new house, and it's super cute!  It has a huge backyard, and I'm just so glad to see her and my sister and aunt living in a nice place that's got room for all of them.  It makes me happy.  We spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and we skipped our usual tradition of driving around to look at Christmas lights and just hung out and ate pizza.  When I told Austin it was Jerbs' birthday, he made her the sweetest little card, it was precious!  I took my parents home, then Jillian and I both spent the night at Jenny's house with Austin.  I read The Night Before Christmas to Austin, and then he was out.  I wrote the letter from Santa (my sister teased me for it taking like 6 drafts, but it's a freaking letter from Santa, it has to be perfect!).  

Christmas morning Austin tore through his Santa gifts (as usual, he was beyond spoiled), and I went back to bed in my sister's room.  That afternoon, I went and had lunch at Golden Corral with Jerbs' family (grandma, her parents, her aunts and uncles . . . it was a huge group).  That was really nice, and it was the first time I'd seen Josh since his car accident back in September; he looked so good, and it was a relief.

We did our family Christmas later that afternoon, since my dad had to work.  It was really, really nice, with no bickering or anything like that.  Everyone loved what I got them, and I got some nice gifts as well.  I honestly didn't want to leave for Flagstaff, but Jerbs had to work yesterday so we had to.  I was hoping to come back to snow, but that didn't happen.  The funniest thing was how happy Hollie was to be home, we let her into the apartment and she went STRAIGHT to her dog bed, curled up, and fell asleep.  She's such a weird dog.

Today I've done absolutely nothing, and it's been glorious.  I'm loving this extra time off from work, it's nice to have a break.

So overall, a good Christmas.  I was worried because of how my visit on Halloween went, but I had a really good time.  I loved seeing my family, and I miss them.  It wasn't perfect; this whole holiday season has stung a little, for the obvious/usual reasons.  I find myself looking forward to the new year, even if it brings me that much closer to being 30.

Halloween Nails

Since I was basically immobile all weekend (thank you, URI or whatever), I decided I'd take advantage of having to sit still and do my nails.  I think it was a successful venture.  Glitter acrylic is actually quite a bit easier than I thought.  Obviously I had to a Halloween manicure.

I really like how they turned out, and they've served their purpose in keeping me from biting my nails.

Unrelated to the nails, while I was sick my little Siamese buddy got super cuddly, it was very sweet.

He likes to lean against my legs while he sleeps.

I'm feeling a lot better today, and I actually made it through a whole day at MHC and then an hour at SHF.  Thank goodness!

Climb To Conquer Cancer 2014

Yesterday was the Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I'm proud to say that I was able to make it all the way to the top of the mountain again!

Like last year, it was a great, great experience.  I don't know what it is about the Climb that I love so much, but I do.  I think it's a combination of the beautiful scenery, the pride that comes from being able to do something so physically demanding, and knowing that I did it for a good cause.  This year, my sister came up for it again; she brought Austin, but his dad and grandparents were also doing it, so he walked with them.  Last year, a few of my sister's friends participated, as did some of my co-workers, but this year it was just me and Jenny.  That was kind of strange at first, but then I realized that I couldn't actually remember the last time I spent time with her one on one (either Jerbs, one of Jenny's friends, or Austin is always with us).  So it was actually really nice, and I was glad that we got to kind of catch up and all that.  Jenny and I are just drastically different people, that's undeniable, but I do love her.  Last year she finished ahead of me, this year we were at about the same pace.  Last year I felt like I was going to die the last 3 miles, this year I didn't really feel too bad until about the last mile.  That made me happy, because while I haven't really accomplished any major weight loss or anything in the past year, I definitely feel like I got into better shape.  This year I was better prepared, too.  Last year I took a couple water bottles with me, and when we got to the top all I wanted was cold water, and there wasn't any.  No ice, no cold water, nothing like that at the top.  So this year I froze a water bottle the night before and threw it in my back pack and let it melt during the hike . . . it made the experience much better!  We saw Austin at the top, and he told us he made it 5 miles and then took the bus to the top.  I think that's pretty dang impressive for an almost 6 year old!

Mile signs.  I don't know why there wasn't one for mile 7.  Last year there
was a big half way point sign, but not this year.

The pictures I took from the top.  Can't beat that view!

After the Climb we went to Starbucks and then took naps at my house (which was hilarious, because my sister is absolutely not the napping type, but she crawled into Jerbs' bed and fell asleep), then went to the mall and a few other places around town.  Austin was off camping with his dad, so it was just us.  We had dinner with some of her friends at Granny's (I think the last time I was there was like 9 years ago with my sorority, so it was a little weird).

Today she brought Austin by and I gave him his presents from Comic-Con, and they left a little bit ago.  I miss them already!  

I'm really glad I thought to take tomorrow off, because I don't plan on doing shit today.  

So that's that!  I'm looking forward to the 2015 Climb!

Independence Day 2014

I'm just going to go ahead and say that this was not my best 4th of July.

I was supposed to go to Kingman.  Which I'd been planning to do since that whole trip in May fell through, thanks to my sister.  And I told my sister, in May, that I would be there for Independence Day weekend.  But I got a call from my mom on the 2nd to tell me that my sister was going out of town and Austin was going to his dad's for the weekend.  Needless to see I was absolutely livid, and I'm at a point where I'm really just done trying to have a relationship with my sister.  But that's a whole other thing.

So since I wasn't going to Kingman, Jerbs and I met up with my parents and my other sister in Seligman for lunch.  It was very nice to see them, and we had a good time.

BUT I got pulled over on the way to Seligman.  I was going 91 in a 75.  I just got a warning and it really wasn't a big deal, but after he gave me the warning the Highway Patrol douche asked if Jerbs was my daughter.  My DAUGHTER.  I was so upset . . . that was definitely a blow my self esteem didn't need.  So up yours, Highway Patrol douche.

Then when we got back to Flag, we decided to take the dogs up to the pond.  It's monsoon season so we've been getting a lot of rain, and the grass land around the pond was pretty much one big puddle.  We usually stay on the cement path so it shouldn't have been an issue.  We were about a quarter of the way around the pond and had come to a spot where the sprinklers were running, so it was really wet and muddy off the path.  But there were ducks hanging out on the grass and naturally, Hollie went after them.  Like just WENT.  And since I was holding her leash I went with her, and before I knew it I was flat on my back in a giant mud puddle.  A puddle made of mud that is made of dirt, reclaimed water, and duck shit.  It.  Was.  Disgusting.

Needless to say we didn't finish our walk.  We came home so that I could take a shower.  And clean off my shoes.  And clean off my keys, sunglasses, and the lead to Hollie's leash.  Seriously, it was gross.

But then there were fireworks, which there weren't last year, so that was nice.  We watched them from our porch, and that was that.

Again, not the best 4th.  But I did have a 3 day weekend and that's always nice.  Silver lining, I suppose.  I'm just hoping that next year doesn't involve law enforcement or getting covered in mud.

2 Years of Evolution

So I was actually going to write this post back at the end of the May (around the 2 year break up anniversary), but then . . . I just got busy and it got pushed to the back burner and I ended up not getting around to it then.

But the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that today—the first of July—is actually a more appropriate anniversary for this journey I've been on. Because, even though it was on May 25^th that Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married, that relationship didn't truly end—and I didn't truly start to focus on myself and getting better—until I moved back up to Flagstaff. And that happened two years ago today.

Honestly, it's hard to even know where to begin when I talk about this. I've changed so drastically since that day two years ago that I barely know how to put it into words. I've talked about it a lot on here, in bits and pieces, but summing it all up is a challenge.

The day that Ex-Fiance drove me to Flagstaff felt like the worst of my life. To say I was miserable would be a pretty major understatement. I remember the anxiety and numbness coming in waves: my stomach knotting up, palms sweating, heart racing, and then a sudden detachment, a sense of almost nothingness, like I was outside of my body and all around not a part of what was going on. I didn't want to be in Flagstaff; I kept thinking that there was no way I was ever going to get better in the place where my life had completely fallen apart. I kept thinking about my nephew and and saying goodbye to him and how awful that had been, and how bitter I was at being forced out of my hometown and away from my family. At the time I had a crappy job and really didn't know how I was going to survive financially. I knew I needed a full time job, but I also knew that I wasn't mentally well enough to hold down a full time job . . . and I wasn't going to be able to afford treatment without a full time job. (How's that for a vicious cycle?). I didn't have a car and I was dreading having to depend on the bus system. And on top of that I had just gotten dumped; I was with the man I loved, the man I had fully intended to spend the rest of my life with, the man I was supposed to have married just the day before, and I knew that at the end of the day he was going to leave. I remember that he stuck around for a few hours, and that I felt like I was going to throw up when he finally said he needed to get going. He kissed me and told me he loved me before he left; I stood on my porch and watched him drive away and wished that I was dead.

On that day my life just didn't make sense. I looked at it from all the angles I could, and it sucked from every single one. I don't think I'd ever felt more defeated than I did that day. My future—to me, at least—looked bleak. Very, very bleak.

Today, two years later, I am happier than I've ever been. And it was just a normal, busy day; I got up, went to work (at both jobs), and came home to Jerbs and my dogs. That's probably the best part about being mentally healthy—that the normal, uneventful, everyday kind of days are happy ones. When I was sick I hated being alive, hated having to live through every day, but now I'm truly engaged in my life and myself. It's such a good feeling.

I've come so far in two years. I got an amazing full time job, and I've been excelling at it for almost 18 months now. I feel like a lot of my personal growth has come from my job at MHC, for a lot of reasons. The financial stability has been great, and has led to a lot less anxiety about money. I've also been able to start getting my credit on track. Aside from that, I feel like I've become a lot more confident about myself since I started at MHC. I've taken on more responsibility there than I ever imagined I would; some of the things that have been added to my work load are things that, when I first started, I didn't think I could do or would want to do. But now, I'm pretty sure I could do anything that was asked of me at work; I'm very confident in my abilities. And the confidence that's come from everything I do at MHC is what let me to be sure I could handle a second job. And let me tell you that having two jobs makes me feel absolutely amazing.

It's also been a great experience to work with people who don't know me as being sick. My co-workers like me, and just think of me as me. And it's been nice to be looked at like a normal person, to have been able to make friends and just . . . I don't know, show people who I really am. When you think about it, my MHC co-workers are the first group of people who have ever met me without knowing anything about my mental health history. And I'm definitely not saying that I feel like other people in my life have been judgmental; I'm just saying that it's kind of nice to have people in my life who never saw me like that. They make me feel normal.

I've stopped overreacting to things. I feel like in the past, things that were pretty small and insignificant would make me freak out. Like changes in schedules or the store being out of something I needed or whatever. Those little things would just make me go ballistic and ruin my whole day. Now, those things just don't bother me. And even bigger things that happen don't bother me as much. Like the flat tire on my way to work last month. Old me would have lost my shit. I'd probably have cried and screamed and kicked my car. I wouldn't have had the money to pay for a tow or new tire and I'd have made Jerbs wake up and meet me so she could take care of it. I probably would have been so upset that I'd have called in to work because I wouldn't have been able to focus after freaking out. And then I'd have come home and thrown myself a huge pity party and thought about all the reasons my life sucked. But instead, I rolled my eyes, grumbled a little bit (because no one WANTS to get a flat tire on their way to work on a Monday morning), and took care of it. I joked with the tow truck driver, passed the time at the tire shop playing Angry Birds on my phone, and then went to work. And that was just that. It didn't even remotely ruin my day.

I've stopped focusing on other people's lives and letting them effect me. Before I dreaded reading Facebook statuses because every little thing just . . . I don't know, made me get all over analytical about my own life. Any time a friend would get engaged or get married or move or get a job or really succeed in any way, I'd have an anxiety attack about the fact that I wasn't succeeding. I felt like a failure and everyone else's successes just reinforced that over and over again. It got to points where I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else and would get far too wrapped up in other people's lives for my own good. Now when I hear about good things happening to other people on Facebook, I'm just happy for them. I'm doing well enough in my own life, at this point, that I can come back to it easily. And even more than that, I want to come back to it. No matter how well anyone I know is doing, I like my own life better. I used to dread the future but now I'm excited about it. I see so much potential in myself and I know I'm going to accomplish great things.

I've stopped feeling like I need to define myself and become more OK with all of the parts of my personality co-existing. Before I felt like I had to pick who I was and whenever I did anything I wondered about how that fit into this over arching definition of me. For example, I remember once I got to thinking that I hadn't done a sewing project in a while. So I decided I wanted to sew something. And what should have been as easy as picking a pattern, grabbing some fabric, and setting up my machine turned into a massive anxiety attack because I just didn't know if I was the type of person who sewed. Does that make sense? My head made it a far bigger thing than it was, I guess. I just didn't know how to reconcile all the things I enjoyed into one personality. It seems so ridiculous now but it was a very serious issue at the time. And now I really get that I can be all the things I like and it's all just part of who I am. I sew, I write, I read, I hike, I work out . . . and it's all fine. I can do all those things without worrying about what they mean.

In general, my mind just feels more mine than it used to. I feel like I didn't used to have a lot of control over where my thoughts would go and what they would do; it was to the point that I couldn't really read books or watch TV or movies because I never knew how they'd effect my thought process. It sounds crazy but it's true. I was so afraid of the anxiety or depression or mania or whatever might come up that I just avoided anything I hadn't read or seen before. And it's silly but I missed those things, and having them back is a small victory but a victory nonetheless.

One thing that I haven't talked much about on here is that I've found my faith since I started this journey two years ago. I used to be a staunch atheist. And while I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, my views in that area have definitely shifted. I don't know that I'd call myself a Christian, and I haven't read the Bible, and I don't go to church, but I do believe in God. I feel like my faith is something I want to experience on my own terms; I pursue a personal relationship with a higher power and that's that. I will say that I pray a lot, and that I feel very blessed. I see God at work every day in my own life. Like I said, I don't talk about it much, because it's very private.

Right now, I really do love my life. It's not perfect but it's wonderful, and I'm happy. I love where I live, I love what I do, and I love who I am. I am aware, every single day, of how fortunate I am to have gotten where I am from where I was. And I am thankful, every single day, for everything that got me there: for God, for my family, for Jerbs, for my ex, and for my own determination.

It hasn't been an easy journey, but it has been a beautiful one. As much pain and struggle as there's been, I don't think I'd change a thing.

Weigh In # 6 (2014)

Weight: 189 pounds.

A little up from last time, but my measurements are all mostly the same.  Besides that, I've logged my food consistently enough to know that I definitely didn't eat the extra 10,500 calories that would have made me gain three pounds.  So I'm not too worried.

That said, May was not my best month.  It was just stressful all around--more and more duties at work, issues with my family, still not being able to find a new doctor, the weather getting hotter . . . just kind of a mess.  I felt really unmotivated all month.

Right now I feel better than I have in a few weeks so I'm looking forward to June.  My biggest goals, as usual, are to cut back on fast food as much as I can and to work out as often as possible.  One of my plans is to start walking during my lunch breaks at work, which I think will be an easy way to get in a little more exercise.

Galinas Tank Trail Hike

I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but starting today I have a four day weekend from work.  The clinic is closed for Memorial Day on Monday, so I took today off to give myself a little mini vacation (I requested this off back in, like, February).  Initially my plan was to go down to Kingman to visit my family, but my sister is currently in Mexico and Austin is at his dad's house, so I decided to just chill out in Flagstaff.

By a random stroke of luck Jerbs also had today off (she did end up having to go in to work for a few hours but she was home by noon so it wasn't a big deal . . . plus her boss felt bad about her getting called in so now she's off tomorrow too!) so we decided to load up the dogs and go on a hike!

We set out to hike Bismark Lake Trail and find Bismark Lake.  We had directions but after awhile it became clear that they weren't completely accurate (we'd gone a lot further than the directions were said we were supposed to and still hadn't seen the turn off we were looking for), so we ended up just finding a random trail along Hart Prairie Road and hiking that.  It ended up being a really lovely hike.  The trail was easy and we had a beautiful view of the peaks in the distance and we were hiking through aspen trees.  About a mile in we found this abandoned/dilapidated old house off of the trail, which was really cool!  The trail skirted around this tall hill, and we decided to be intrepid and climb it; it was definitely a work out but worth it for the view!

The dogs, of course, had a fantastic time being off their leashes and running ahead of us on the trail.  Max surprised us by  being totally into it--he's not a very adventurous dogs and doesn't usually seem to care for long walks except to pee on things, but he was just all over the place today.  I was so proud of him!  He actually made it to the top of the hill first.  I'm glad to know I'll be able to take both of them out with me on more hikes this summer.

The view of the peaks from Hart Prairie Road on the drive out.

Aspen trees.

Aspen and flowers just off the trail we were on.

The front of the old house we found.

Stone steps ups to the front door.

The foundation of the old house.

The view through the front door from inside the house.
Because of course I went inside.

The house from the side.

The back of the house.

A view of the peaks from the hill we climbed, plus Hollie
looking very majestic.  Max is in there too, he's just blending in.

Max and Hollie were so worn out!  This was
roughly 10 minutes after we got back in the car.

After the hike we had lunch at Beaver Street Brewery and wandered around downtown for a little while.  All in all it was just a lovely day.  It made me feel very grateful that I live in such a beautiful place.  I'm looking forward to more summer adventures.

122 Days

It's the first of May!  And in my mind that means it's officially summer.  (Not that you'd have thought that if you went outside in Flagstaff today, but whatever).  I used to dread summer something fierce, and even though I'm not looking forward to the Arizona heat, I am kind of excited for summer this year.

I think of summer as May 1st to August 31st.  That's 122 days, and I have high hopes for those 122 days this year.

I am going to go outside.  I'm going to hike and swim and bike and be active and get fit.

I am going to take the dogs on lots of long walks and adventures.

I am going to paint my nails awesome summer colors.

I am going to wear my giant sunglasses and drive around with my sun roof open and my radio set to the country station.

I am going to hang out in Kingman with my family, and with friends in Phoenix.

I am going to read and write and paint and sew.

I am going to save money.

I am going to find a new doctor and get back on track treatment wise.

I am going to get a tattoo.

I am going to climb a mountain (like last year!).

I am going to take lots of pictures.

It's going to be awesome.

Weigh In # 5 (2014)

Weight: 186.4
BMI: 33.0

I lost 1.6 pounds in April.  So not super fantastic and not the most I'm capable of but . . . well, a loss is a loss, right?

April was pretty much like every other month this year.  I started out all determined to do well and kick ass and then I repeatedly failed.  I hate that about myself and I just don't understand why I do it.  I feel like it's probably some random little offshoot of my mental health issues that, for some reason, I just haven't been able to resolve yet.

I will say, though, that even with such a tiny loss, I feel like I'm getting smaller and more toned.  I didn't have time to take my measurements this morning so I'm not sure where I stand inch wise.  And even though my April challenge didn't go as well as I'd intended, the little chart thing I made to track it did help.  I mean, I can say I'm disappointed in how I did all I want, but seeing how little I worked out and how much I ate fast food and went over my calorie goal written out in black and white is pretty eye opening.  I can't really look at that and be terribly surprised at my results.

I am setting the same goals for May that I did for April: Work out 4 times a week, eat out once a week, reduce the Dr. Pepper, and focus on staying within my calorie goals.

Weigh In # 4 (2014)

Weight: 188

So I gained a half pound(ish) since last time I weighed in.  It might not be totally accurate since my period just ended.  Either way, I most definitely didn't meet my goal of hitting the 170's by April.  But at the same time I'm not too disappointed because honestly, the way I've been doing with food and working out I thought the number was going to be higher.

But, that being said, more than a month of basically doing nothing, I'm feeling really motivated to get back on the wagon.  So I came up with a challenge for April: fast food once a week, limit soda, work out at least 3 times a week, and come in at or under my MFP at least 6 days a week.  For the entire month.  I made a little chart for it (because I love to make charts and lists and have free time at work to do so!) so that I can keep track of my progress.  I really want to see what I can accomplish in a month when I'm on point as much as I possibly can be.  Because not only will the accomplishments be good in and of themselves, but I think it will be really helpful to see that I really can control what happens to my body.

I also came up with a list of weight loss/fitness goals/accomplishments and rewards for them.  Nothing huge, just little things that I want.  I mean, normally I just randomly buy little things like that for no real reason, so I thought it might be productive if I make myself work for stuff I want.  It'll probably be a good idea for both my physical health and my financial health.

So we'll see how it goes.  I'm feeling confident about April.

Weigh In # 3 (2014)

I'm just posting this to say that I'm skipping my March weigh in.  Quite frankly between losing Benji and being insanely stressed/buys at work I just don't have the energy to care what I weigh right now.

I know I'm in the upper 180's and I'd like that second digit to be a 7 when I weigh in on April 1st.  Ambitious but not impossible.

Weigh In # 2 (2014)

Weight: 188.4
BMI: 33.4

I lost 4.6 pounds in January!  My goal was to lose 5 so I feel a smidge short of that but I'm still proud of myself.  Plus my actual weight may be a bit lower, since I'm at the tail end of my period and that always messes with my weight.

I'm definitely heading in the right direction!

My goal for February is just to up my game.  Less fast food, less soda, more exercise.

My goal weight for March 1st is 183.4.

So Far, So Good

I know we're only 8 days in but so far, 2014 is going pretty well for me.

Minus the fact that I had to call in sick on 01.02.14, aka the very first work day of the entire year.  I was not pleased.  Fortunately I have an understanding boss but it sucked.

And also minus the fact that I'm currently without a debit card.  That one's kind of a long story.

But aside from that.

Physical Health: I am actually kind of killing it in this area right now.  I'm doing awesome food wise, and I've been consistently at or under my calorie goal almost every day since the first.  And I've only eaten fast food 3 times so far this year!  I know that 5/8 days without fast food isn't terribly impressive but for me it's pretty big.  And like I said, I know we're only 8 days into the year, but I really feel like I can finally do this.  I haven't found the motivation to go to the gym yet this year, though.  It's not that I don't want to work out, because I do, it's that I just literally don't want to go to the gym.  I just don't want to be there.  I don't know why, because I like my gym.  But I am hoping to start doing weekly yoga next week, so we'll see how that goes.

I did work out tonight, though.  A few nights ago Jerbs showed me how I can plug the laptop into the TV, so tonight I did that and found a cardio video on YouTube and just did that.  I felt like an idiot, because I've never been a huge fan of at home workout videos, but it got my heart rate up and that's what's important, right?  It involved a lot of jumping jacks and my legs are not happy with me . . . blech.  But I'm taking it slow and I feel like, in a month, I'll be able to do the whole video.  Little steps.

Mental Health: Is good!  I'm still working on finding a new doctor, and I actually really need to get on it, it's just difficult.  Plus there really aren't many psychiatrists in town who aren't either at the hospital (and don't see private patients), The Guidance Center (which only sees AHCCCS patients), or my old doctor's office.  I did not realize that until I started googling.  So it's going to be a process.  But I've got plenty of medicine and my mood's fine so I'm really not all that worried.

Work: Is awesome.  I'm almost to my one year anniversary and I've started to feel very confident and competent.  I love it.  I honestly feel like I get a little better everyday.  Things are in the process of getting very shaken up but I think we'll all be fine.  (And yes, that was deliberately vague).

So life is just good right now.  I'm happy, I feel healthy, new episodes of Sherlock finally started airing . . . really I can't complain!

I do have more serious things to write about (just kind of need to sort them out kinda stuff) but that's for later.  For the moment I just wanted to share that things are awesome!

Weigh In # 1 (2014)

Weight: 193 pounds

I know I said I wasn't going to be able to weigh in on the first, but then my body changed its mind about some other stuff so . . . yep.  Here I am, weighing in on the first.  I also took all of my measurements so . . . yep.  I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well and can't really think of much more to say than that.