Nikolai James

I'm still not sure how much of the past few years I'm going to get around to blogging about, but the story of how we got our little buddy, Niko, is too good not to share.

Like I said in my last post, Jerbs' mom unexpectedly passed away last year.  It truly came out of nowhere and I think it goes without saying that it was just a terrible, terrible time.  The combination of the loss and being so far away when it happened (because we were in WA, obviously) was just . . . overwhelmingly bad.  And on top of that, there was a huge delay as far as the funeral/burial, and because that was all so uncertain, we weren't able to plan flights and had to road trip to AZ.  That drive suuuucks.

So anyway, we were in Kingman at the end of June.  Jane's whole side of the family (9 brothers and 2 sisters plus their spouses and kids and, in a few cases, grandkids) were in town.  I really only spent time with them on the days of the services for Jane, but Jerbs, of course, was with them non stop.  The week we were there, Austin was playing in a baseball tournament; he had a game on Thursday night, a few days after we arrived, and by then, Jerbs needed a break from her fam, so she came with my family and me to Austin's game.

Now, my brother in law was there with my step nephew and step niece; my step niece (Nic) isn't super into actually watching ball games so she was off playing with her friends at the park.  Nothing too new or exciting, but about halfway through the game, she walks up to the bleachers, carrying this tiny little grey kitten, and she pretty much holds it out to her dad and my sister and says, "I found this in a bush!  I stuck my hand in to get it and it didn't bite me!"

The parentals were pretty much like, um, no, you can't have a cat.  But I was sitting a little above them at the top of the bleachers and I could tell that the cat was possibly a Russian blue, so I called Nic over and took him.  Sure enough, it was a little boy Russian blue, mauve paw pads and all.  Jerbs and I were completely in shock.  He fell asleep in Jerbs' lap, and pretty much didn't move for the rest of the game.  We pretty much knew right away that we were going to be taking him home, because . . . well, how could we not?  Thankfully Jerbs' aunt said he could stay at her house until we left, so after the game, we bought him some kitten food and a little litter box and all that, and took him over.  He spent a few days there, and was spoiled/cuddled/loved on by all of Jerbs' aunts and uncles.  We also put ads on Craigslist and Facebook, just in case he was somebody's cat already, but by the day we were leaving, we'd had no responses.

So we brought him home to WA with us.  He loved the car ride home, and loved the dogs right away (and now he thinks he's a dog); he slept on my pillow in the hotel when we stopped for the night.  For the first couple months we had him home he slept in my room, usually on my pillow, until he decided he was too big for that.  He's a very brave cat--we intended to kind of keep him alone in my room for a week or so, because he was tiny and the apartment and other cats are so big.  But . . . Niko had other ideas, and within a day he'd completely slipped past me and explored the house and met Irene and Ilya.

The girl cats have done OK with him.  Irene is mostly disinterested, although she will sometimes lay next to him.  She'll also kick his ass when he tries to jump her, which is usually pretty entertaining.  He and Ilya are friends, though, and they cuddle and he grooms her and she sort of actually plays with him.  Sometimes he's a bit much for her (he plays VERY aggressively sometimes) but mostly it's all good.  And he still loves the dogs, and his fave thing is playing with Hollie.

We struggled naming him.  We considered desert-ish names (Sage, Saguaro, Mesquite, Zona, Tumbleweed) and Peanuts related names (Snoopy, Woodstock, Spike) and Russian names (Ivan, Tolstoy, Leo, Dostoevsky).  Eventually we settled on Nikolai, both because it's Russian and because it's similar to my step niece's name, Niko for short, with a middle name of James to honor Jane.  Niko loves feather toys more than anything, he begs for treats with the dogs every morning, he walks on a leash like a champ, he and Jerbs usually fall asleep together on the couch on Friday nights, and when he was little he liked to be zipped up into my sweatshirts to keep warm.  He is the sweetest, cutest, dumbest little thing and we love him so much.

I firmly, absolutely, 100% believe that Niko was sent to us by Jane to help us through the grief of losing her.  The odds of finding a Russian blue kitten in (essentially) the desert, at the time that both of us happened to be there despite living 1200 miles away, the day after we laid Jane to rest . . . He was a gift from her.  And the fact that he was so calm once he was with us, even though the crowd was cheering and there were other games going on and loud announcements happening--it was like he knew he'd found where he was supposed to be.  Jerbs' aunts and uncles all agreed.  I am so grateful that we got him, because I think he really has helped Jerbs through losing her mom; he's a tiny tangible reminder that her mom is watching over her, and that's beautiful.

And now some pictures of our little pal.

Stealing my office chair.

Cuddling with Jerbs on the drive from AZ to WA.

The first time he got into my window on his own.

All zipped up in my sweater.  This was how I worked for most of his first winter with us.

Growing up handsomely.

He sleeps in the funniest positions.

Hiding under the Christmas tree table so he could jump out
at the dogs.

When he got neutered and had to wear the cone.

He LOVES to shred paper products, so if paper towels,
toilet paper, tissues, etc. get left out . . . they get attacked.

Christmas 2015

Christmas was lovely this year.

I had to work on Christmas Eve (lame), but MHC closed at noon, so as soon as I was off, Jerbs and I loaded the car, made a quick caffeine/donut stop, and got on the road.  All week we'd been hearing it was going to snow and we didn't want to get stuck in any kind of storm on the highway, so we were in a little bit of hurry, but we encountered exactly no snow on the trip.  Once we got to Kingman we went to my mom's and visited with her and Jillian for a bit, then I took Jerbs to her house and said hello to/exchanged Christmas gifts with her parents.  Then I headed over to my sister's house and convinced Austin to help me bring in all the Christmas gifts from my car, which was entertaining.  One thing I want to remember--Austin got this Crayola art kit for Christmas (I think from his Elf on the Shelf?) and he had gotten it out to show me and he left it on the coffee table.  My sister asked him why it was out, and he snapped at her, "I was showing it to Auntica, cuz me and Auntica like art!"  It was so funny, and it makes me so happy that Austin associates me with art in his head.

This year we skipped our tradition of going out to look at Christmas lights again, which just helped prove my theory that our Christmases are far more peaceful when we don't spend any time squished in a car together.  We all just hung out at my sister's and drank wine (well, my sister and I drank wine, and at one point, my mom accusingly asked Jenny, "Did you give your older sister wine??" and it just cracks me up that that's the dynamic of our family--the younger sister being the corrupter and the older sister being the nerd).  We did our one gift on Christmas Eve thing, and Austin gave everyone the gifts he got them at the Secret Santa gift shop at his school, and he apparently forgot about me and didn't get me something (thanks, Saucy).  It was pretty funny when he realized it, and in typical Austin fashion, he didn't feel bad, he just got a little sheepish and then cracked up.  (I honestly don't care one bit that he forgot, for the record).

After we hung out for awhile, my mom and Jill left and I took my dad home, then went and got dinner for Jenny, me, and Austin.  We had In-N-Out, which was awesome.  Austin kept asking if he could open this one gift I got him because he knew it was a book (I always get him a book) and he really wanted to know what it was, so we let him.  The book is 1,000 Jokes for Kids, and as soon as he read the title, he opened it up and said, "OK, guys, joke number one," and my sister just looked at me and was like good job, here we go.  It was freaking hilarious, probably in a you had to be there way, but man we cracked up.  I'm seriously impressed at how well Austin is reading, and I'm glad he liked his book.  He really did tell us jokes all night, too.  Eventually we decided to go look at some Christmas lights; up by my mom's old house there's a wealthy/well known family who always decorates their house really extravagantly for Christmas, and this year they synchronized the light show to music (Wizards in Winter by TSO and that one Christmas song that Alvin and the Chipmunks sing) so we went to see it.  It actually was pretty impressive.  Someone was flying a drone over the lights and Austin thought it was Santa and had a little meltdown about getting home and going to bed haha.  But my sister and I got nostalgic and remembered how when we were kids, the lights on the courthouse downtown would spell out the word "NOEL" across the columns on the building (4 columns, one letter on each column), and we decided to drive down there and see if they still do that.  And sadly, they don't, there's just a swirly thing of lights on each column now, which was more disappointing than you'd think.  But it was still a nice moment with my sister and I'm glad for that.

By then Austin was asleep in the back seat so we headed home and put him to bed, then put out all of his Santa gifts and did the whole milk and cookies thing.  I wrote his Santa letter and then I headed to a motel.

So yeah, this year I decided that instead of staying with my sister, I wanted to stay in a motel by myself.  I love my sister, and I love Austin, but as a Christmas gift to myself, I wanted a night completely alone (no pets, no roommate, no noise) in a big bed all by myself.  I explained that all to Austin and he was pretty whatever about it, so I didn't feel too bad.  And it was so worth it, I legit slept for like 12 hours.  (Minus the part where I woke up at 5 AM to cramps and my period starting out of NOWHERE.  I had no tampons or ibuprofen with me so I had to get dressed (ish, I really just threw on a shirt and pants and put my hair in a pony tail) and run to the gas station up the street.  That was freaking lovely.  But the older guy who checked me out still wished me a Merry Christmas!)  I went back to bed when I got back to my room but I'd rather not have had to deal with that unpleasantness.

Christmas day I went to my sister's and Austin showed me all the stuff he got from Santa.  My sister made buffalo chicken dip which I freaking LOVE, and we spent the afternoon just hanging out, eating that, watching Austin play with all his new stuff, and watching cheesy Christmas romance movies on the Hallmark channel.  Which is super corny, but honestly, I'm looking forward to doing it again next year!  I went and picked my dad up for dinner, my mom and Jill came over, and we opened presents.  I seriously got spoiled this year.  After presents we had dinner, and then I decided to stay another night in Kingman instead of going home on Christmas.  (Jerbs and I have had to come back on Christmas the past few years because one of us is usually working the day after, which happily wasn't the case this year).  That night I crashed at my sister's.

The day after Christmas we headed back to Flag, fully expecting snow on the ground when we got here, and there WASN'T ANY, which was actually kind of disappointing after hearing that we'd get snow for almost a whole week before.

Today I was off from work (I electively took it off, which I forgot about until like a week ago, and only remembered because a co-worker said something about it), so I drove down to Sedona and spent the afternoon with Jenna and Theresa.  They've been spending some holiday time in Phoenix with Theresa's family so they drove up.  It was fantastic, I love Sedona and we went to some great Sedona places, like the fudge shop and the cool candle store.  (I'm sure those businesses actually have names but I have no idea what they are).  It was so nice to see them, and I'm really glad we got to spend some time together.  It sucks having a BFF that lives so far away.

Anyway, I'm definitely not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I'm excited for the New Year later this week!

Christmas 2014

All in all, I had a lovely Christmas this year.

I spent it in Kingman, with my family, and Jerbs got to come, which is always nice.  In the weeks before Christmas I was unhappy because most of my co-workers took Christmas Eve off, and I didn't want to have to be at work all day and not get to Kingman until late.  Then on the 23rd, our medical director decided that billing didn't need to be there on Christmas Eve, so we all got the day off.  I was beyond thrilled, and knowing I could spend more time at home definitely improved my Christmas spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we slept in a little, then loaded up the car, and were in Kingman by 4 PM.

I got to see my mom's new house, and it's super cute!  It has a huge backyard, and I'm just so glad to see her and my sister and aunt living in a nice place that's got room for all of them.  It makes me happy.  We spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and we skipped our usual tradition of driving around to look at Christmas lights and just hung out and ate pizza.  When I told Austin it was Jerbs' birthday, he made her the sweetest little card, it was precious!  I took my parents home, then Jillian and I both spent the night at Jenny's house with Austin.  I read The Night Before Christmas to Austin, and then he was out.  I wrote the letter from Santa (my sister teased me for it taking like 6 drafts, but it's a freaking letter from Santa, it has to be perfect!).  

Christmas morning Austin tore through his Santa gifts (as usual, he was beyond spoiled), and I went back to bed in my sister's room.  That afternoon, I went and had lunch at Golden Corral with Jerbs' family (grandma, her parents, her aunts and uncles . . . it was a huge group).  That was really nice, and it was the first time I'd seen Josh since his car accident back in September; he looked so good, and it was a relief.

We did our family Christmas later that afternoon, since my dad had to work.  It was really, really nice, with no bickering or anything like that.  Everyone loved what I got them, and I got some nice gifts as well.  I honestly didn't want to leave for Flagstaff, but Jerbs had to work yesterday so we had to.  I was hoping to come back to snow, but that didn't happen.  The funniest thing was how happy Hollie was to be home, we let her into the apartment and she went STRAIGHT to her dog bed, curled up, and fell asleep.  She's such a weird dog.

Today I've done absolutely nothing, and it's been glorious.  I'm loving this extra time off from work, it's nice to have a break.

So overall, a good Christmas.  I was worried because of how my visit on Halloween went, but I had a really good time.  I loved seeing my family, and I miss them.  It wasn't perfect; this whole holiday season has stung a little, for the obvious/usual reasons.  I find myself looking forward to the new year, even if it brings me that much closer to being 30.

My Poor Neglected Little Blog

I find it really hard to believe it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here, especially given how much I used to write, but . . . well, the date on the last entry doesn't lie, so I guess it's really been that long.

I'm just so busy lately.  Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing.  (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible.  I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).

There's really not a lot to talk about, though.

Work is work.  This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better.  We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there.  I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.

My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day.  I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise.  I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks.  At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it.  I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out.  (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).

The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with)  came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game.  It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun.  And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones.  I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games.  It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends.  The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex.  So much nostalgia, for so many things.

Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience.  I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to.  I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker.  I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged.  Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons.  My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful.  Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas.  But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman.  I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again.  And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.

It's really pointless to think all that.  What's done is done.  I know my family loves me.  I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better.  Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.

I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.

K-Town & Austy's 5th(!) Birthday

This past weekend's trip to Kingman was really, really good.

I left on Friday (way later than I meant to) and got in a little before 7:00.  Austin was SO excited to see me!  That evening I took him out to dinner (at Cracker Barrel, his favorite), and Jillian joined us.  Then I took him to Hastings and let him pick out his birthday gifts.  The look on his face when I told him he could spend $40 for his birthday was priceless.  I know $40 is a lot . . . I think it was a combination of how cute that kid is and how guilty I felt about not visiting my family since June.  Anyway, he got Mario Yahtzee (I have no idea why) and this little science kit thing.  As he called it, he got "Mario Ahtzee and science!"

The next morning we went to Austin's soccer game, which was pretty hilarious.  Austin likes to kind of rev up when it's his turn to kick the ball in, so he starts running from way back at the goal net and then kicks.  It's just fantastic, and by the end of the game all the kids on his team were doing it.  Afterwards I took Jillian to lunch at Chipotle (because they opened one in Kingman, which is so weird!) and we talked about her plans for the future, which was nice.  Jillian is one of those people who's got a great head on her shoulders but just needs to figure out how to use it, and I think she's making progress.

And then it was time for Austin's birthday party!  My sister has gotten a lot smarter about throwing little kid parties, so this year, we had it at this park near my mom's house, and had cupcakes instead of a cake.  It was fun, and Max was in heaven with all these little kids wanting to pet him and love on him.  Afterwards I helped Austy build some of the Legos he got for his birthday.  Austin is always endlessly impressed with my Lego skills, which makes me happy.

Sunday morning my sister was working so Austin had to go to daycare, so we said goodbye before he left since I was anticipating leaving before he'd be out of daycare.  I went to my dad's and we visited and he changed the oil in my car (woohoo!), and then I went back to my sister's and took a nap.  By the time I woke up it was afternoon and I decided to stick around and pick Austin up from daycare as a surprise.  The look on his face when I walked in was amazing.  He said, "Auntica, I thought you were going home!"  And I said, "I was, but then I decided I'd rather hang out with you some more instead!"  He was so excited.  We went to this frozen yogurt place he likes (I don't actually know the name of it, but it's by Home Depot) and got some frozen yogurt.  They have board games there that you can play and Austin got all excited when he saw they had Yahtzee, so we played that while we ate our yogurt.  It was just lovely.

Afterwards I took Austin to my mom's, hung out for a little while, and then had to leave.  Poor Austin was so sad, he was crying his sweet little eyes out because he didn't want me to leave.  It was pretty heart wrenching.  I hate hearing him cry.  I think how I feel about Austin is probably the closest I'll ever get to maternal instinct, so it was hard.  I just love him so much.

So now I'm back in Flagstaff, dealing with fun new crap at work and missing my family.  This visit was probably the best one I've had since the breakup, and that makes me happy.

I wish Austin could stay this age forever.  I wish he could spend his whole life thinking the world was bounce houses, Legos, and people who love him unconditionally and without reserve.  But since he can't, I just want to remember that right now, he is this perfect distillation of joy and energy and good all contained in a gangly, grinning little boy.

Sad News From Back Home

In the past week, 2 people I went to high school with have died.

One, who graduated with me and who I didn't know very well personally, was in a car accident.  She had 3 kids and died the week before our ten year reunion.

The other, who graduated a year behind me, I was fairly close to my last year of high school when I TA'd for the junior A.P. English class he was in, the same class I'd taken the year before.  We didn't keep in touch much after graduation but I know he was a bright, wonderful person.  He took his own life Saturday night.

I hate hearing about people my age dying.  I hate it.  Even if it's someone I didn't really know or someone I lost touch with a long time ago, I hate it.

Suicides especially get to me.  I think because of my own past with suicidal ideation, because of how much I wanted to do it . . . it just shakes me.  Both in that I hate thinking of people I know going through that sort of mental anguish and giving in to those dark thoughts and in that it's a very chilling reminder that it very easily could have been me.

All I want right now is someone to hold me.  Isn't that stupid?  But true anyway.

A Trip to Ktown

This past weekend, Jerbs was actually off from work, so we rented a car, loaded up the dogs, and headed to Kingman for a few days.  And it was lovely.

I spent the weekend hanging out with my family--dying eggs, watching Ghostbusters with Austin (it's his current obsession), letting Max run around (he loves kids and was basically Austin's sidekick all weekend), and just relaxing.  Austin was attached to me the whole time I was there, which was awesome; I love that little boy so much.  He is just at such a hilarious age that there's never a dull moment and he's so much fun.  I babysat him today while my sister worked and had to take him to my mom's since Jenny wasn't off work yet; we were halfway there when I noticed he'd gotten really quiet.  I glanced back, expecting him to be asleep, but he was just sitting in his car seat with this horribly sad look on his face.  When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and said he was going to miss me and didn't want me to leave.  It broke my heart, but at the same time, I'm glad that he misses me when I'm gone, because better that than him forgetting about me.

Anyway, it was nice to see everyone, and nice to drive . . . although I won't lie, it took some getting used to because I hadn't actually driven a car since November.

All in all it was a good weekend.  I've gotten anxious about going to Kingman ever since . . . you know, but this time that was at a minimum.  I don't know why but I felt very relaxed about the whole thing, including the Corey aspects.  There were difficult moments but nothing too bad.  Like I said, I don't know why, and I'll probably say more about it later but I'm just too tired right now.

But something about this weekend was just refreshing.  As we were leaving I felt renewed.  More focused, more determined.  Tomorrow is Monday, plus it's the first of the month, and I am determined to make April awesome.  I feel more capable than ever as far as my goals, and I'm going to work hard this month.  As we were leaving Kingman I felt hopeful, calm, and full of potential.

Of course that faded a little once we got back to Flagstaff.  I think I really didn't want to leave Kingman this time around and I just felt sad.  There was just something that felt so good about being there and I miss that. It's hard to explain.  Plus I think I'm just stressed because normally on Sundays I do things like laundry and clean and get ready for the start of the work week and obviously, that didn't happen this Sunday, so now I'm rushing around trying to get some of it done before I have to go to bed . . . sigh.

Either way, I'm very hopeful about this coming month, and I have a good feeling about things right now.

2012 in Review

Three hours left until the new year, and I kind of can't believe it.  Normally I don't like new year, because it's and ending, and that's always made me sad.  But this year, I find myself looking forward to the new year more than I ever have, and even though today is an ending, it's also a beginning.

I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected.  I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be.  I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years.  At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband.  I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.

My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman.  From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff.  Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.

The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship.  As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was.  I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake.  But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year.  And I know that he really loved me too.

Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers.  I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again.  It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still.  And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense.  Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!

I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do.  Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.

Then came the big move back to Flagstaff.  I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own.  I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.

But it didn't.  I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger.  I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that.  I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do.  The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term.  I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me.  I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.

I've learned to survive without a car.  To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all.  To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me.  To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself.  To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something.  To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.

I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better.  A lot better.  I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective.  I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.

Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to.  I think that where I am now is where I need to be.  Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve?  A little.  Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss?  Absolutely.  But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.

As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations.  I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement.  I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on.  I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it.  But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.

As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be.  But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate.  I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time.  This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me.  I am just looking forward to living my life.  I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great.  I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.

So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.

Christmas 2012: Family Fun, Why Murphy's Law Should Be Called Jessica's Law, and I Did Something Sort Of Illegal

Oh, Christmas.  Where should I start?

Well, my travel plans ended up working out at the last minute.  My mom bought me a round trip bus ticket, so I traveled to Kingman on Christmas Eve, and planned to come back to Flag the day after Christmas.  It wasn't ideal, because Jerbs and Benji didn't get to come, but still, I was glad to get to go.

Christmas Eve, after my mom and sister (Jill) picked me up at the bus station, we went straight to Jenny's house.  Austin was SO excited to see me!  He screamed my name and threw his arms around my legs and said, "I've been missin' you Auntica!"  Too precious.  We ate dinner and then we did our family gift exchange, since my sister was working on Christmas day.  It was fun, and I got more than I felt I deserved, and I am grateful for a family that loves me.  I think the best part of the entire gift opening, though, was when my dad opened a present from Austin, and it was Austin's Power Rangers Samurai sword that he plays with ALL the time.  The WTF? look on my dad's face was beyond priceless, and my sister was cracking up and explained that Austin had absolutely insisted that that be a gift for my dad.  As Austin said, it was for next time he comes over to my dad's house.  Hilarious.

My sisters and I and Austin went to look at Christmas lights, and Austin was still awake when we got back to his house.  I read him 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (so fun) and once he was asleep we played Santa and put all of his gifts under the tree.  The big one was a Hot Wheels ride on quad.  When my sisters and I were kids, "Santa" always left us a note next to the empty cookie plate, so I wrote Austin a note from Santa. I loved doing that part, because I wanted to carry on that tradition a little bit.

My sister woke up at 4:30 AM to do presents (since she had to work at 7) and Austin was ecstatic.  He loved everything he got, especially the quad, and within 5 minutes he was riding it around the house.  It was fun to see him so happy.  Jill and I spent the day with Austin, and it was pretty much just watching him ride around on his quad.  He really loves that thing, and he was especially excited when he figured out how to make it go backwards.  He kept telling us, "It has versery to make it go backwards!"  

So Christmas night I got my stuff all packed and ready to go, and the morning after Christmas my mom picked me up to take me to the bus.  There were some small errands to run first, and with about 20 minutes until my bus left I realized I had left my ticket at my sister's house.  (I am a genius).  I tried to reprint it at my mom's but apparently when Greyhound says they'll email you a copy of the ticket for "just in case" situations, what they really mean is that it's available for 15 minutes after you buy it.  So I was stuck in Kingman until a solution could be figured out.  We picked Austin up from daycare early and I spent the day baby sitting him (which is pretty much always awesome).  That at least was a good thing--more time with the little munchkin.

Plan B for getting home was to see if I could just change the time on my return ticket or get a refund and buy a new one.  No on both of those.  Plan C was to have my sister drive me up on the 27th when she took Austin's to his dad--but she didn't want to do that.  At that point I was really ready to get home so plan D was to buy an online ticket for the 12:30AM bus and leave that night.  But for whatever reason online purchasing wasn't available for that trip.  Plan E was to buy by phone, but the guy at the service center (out of Mumbai) insisted that the only Kingman serviced by Greyhound was Kingman, KS . . . so that didn't go well.  Finally, Jerbs talked to the guy at the Flag bus station, who said that I could get on the bus in Kingman and give the driver my ID and just pay for the ticket once I got to Flag--aka, Plan F.  I wasn't too happy with Plan F because it meant using my Christmas money for another bus ticket but I wanted to get home.

So my sister took me to the station and waited with me until the bus arrived (45 minutes late).  Once she left and they were boarding, I tried to give the driver my ID but he wouldn't take it . . . he just let me on the bus and told me to pay when I got to Flagstaff.  I was like, that's responsible.

And here's where the law breaking comes in.  I called for a cab when I was about 10 minutes out of town and when I got to the station, by the time I was off the bus with all my stuff I only ended up waiting about 30 seconds for my cab (and another cab from the same company who was there picking someone up let me wait in his car).  Once my cab was there I jumped in and was like let's go.  So yep, I skipped out on paying for my bus ride home.  

I honestly don't feel too bad about it, because I had a round trip ticket to begin with.  Two trips were paid for, two trips were taken, so it balances out.  And really, if they just let people on the bus without doing something to ensure that they pay . . . well, not my fault.  So I only kind of did something illegal.

All in all, it was a good visit home, and Christmas itself wasn't as hard as I'd expected it to be.  I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about Corey at all, but I most definitely wasn't dwelling on it.  I just enjoyed getting to see my family and Austin.  The end of the trip, obviously, was very stressful, but it worked out better than expected in the end.

And really, all that stress was worth it to see this handsome dude.

Despite having had a better Christmas than expected, and despite not being as depressed as I'd thought I'd be, I'm relieved the holidays are over, and that I have a whole year to prepare for the next holiday season.

Six Months & An Evaluation

Today it's been six months since Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married.
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I remember that moment very well.  What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it.  It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened.  I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it.  As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight.  I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken.  I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance.  I felt so lost and so . . . out of place.  The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing.  I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me.  I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before.  Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there.  The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
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Now it's been six months.  Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.

There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long.  For half of a year, I've been single.  It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again.  I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.

So six months in, how am I doing?

Surprisingly well.  I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff.  I thought I'd be a complete mess.  I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.

But that hasn't been the case.

I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature.  I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds.  I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another.  I've worked out.  I've written two short stories.  I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life.  And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it.  I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.

I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago.  Mentally, I'm night and day.  I am so much healthier now.  SO much healthier.  I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now.  I'm just so much more at home in my own mind.  I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years.  It's amazing.  And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that.  Because what I have needed all along was just to get better.  I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here.  Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely.  But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.

Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it.  I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better.  I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people.  And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself.  I really am.

The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be.  But the thing is, I'm OK with that now.  I feel like that's DOABLE.  I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose.  Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it.  Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it.  But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
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So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?

In short, I still love him.  I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.

I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried.  I still hope for that.  I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does.  And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
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At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.

A Much Better Trip To K-town

I went to Kingman this past weekend.  I was there from Friday until Monday.  I won't lie, I was a little apprehensive about going, just because my last visit sucked so badly.

But all the worry was mostly for nothing because I ended up having a great time in Kingman.  It was a good trip, and much, much better than the last time.

This time, I didn't have to rent a car or take the bus--my sister came and got me and brought me back.  I am so incredibly grateful to her for doing that, because it saved me a lot of trouble and a lot of money too.  Granted I felt a little like a loser needing such a long ride but whatever, I'm still happy I went.

I had a great time.  I spent most of my weekend with Austin and we had so much fun together.  We played monsters and Batman and I gave him a few baths (he's a fish and loves to play in the bath).  We watched TV together and played Buzz Lightyear games on the computer.  I wish I had the time and energy to write down all of the funny and cute and sweet things he did/said while I was there but since I don't, here are the highlights.

--He got to meet Irene, Jerbs' cat, and pet her.  It was really cute.  He also walked around my apartment picking up totally random items and asking if they were Auntie Jerbs's.  It was too funny.  We ended up bringing this flashlight thing and some Halloween hole punches to Kingman because he wanted to play with them.

--His concern with bringing Benji to Kingman, like wear Benji would sleep and whether or not he'd bite Dolce and get her dirty.

--He put Benji's bed near Dolce's then sat in between and read the dogs a bed time story.

--Him actually sleeping in the living room with me for TWO nights!  On Friday he slept on the little couch and on Saturday afternoon he informed me that I had to sleep on the little couch that night.  Needless to say, that didn't happen, but it was funny.

--Him telling his mom he needed a needle to hang something up in his room.

--Before they picked me up, his mom and my other sister had gone to the mall, and my sister had gotten him a few bday presents.  They were in the back of the car and when Austin saw them (as we were putting my stuff in) he said, "You bought me presents?  Nice mama!  Nice mama!"  Later that weekend she did something he didn't like and he said, "Bad mama!  Bad mama!"  Too funny.

--Him telling Shannon she needed to get out of the bounce house because she was too little to bounce with me, my sister, and Taryn, and helping her out of the bounce house.  Later he made Shannon put socks on to go back in the bounce house with him.
--Having a sword fight with him in the driveway, where he got a sword and I got two golf clubs.  It was pretty awesome.
--Taking him to Cracker Barrel for lunch on his birthday, where the servers sang happy birthday to him and gave him a piece of chocolate cake.  He was so adorably shy and embarrassed over it.
--Him insisting that the toy he wanted from the Cracker Barrel shop was a grabber.  Which he did get, and then proceeded to use to grab my dad by the wrist and lead him around the front yard while reassuring him that even though he was going to jail, he'd come get him when it got to dark time.
--Austin's horror when I suggested putting his pajamas on before it was "dark time."  (Sometimes I forget that not everyone wears sweats at home.)
--On our way out of town for the return trip we stopped for gas, and Austin and I went inside for a snack/drink.  Austin wanted an icee, and he made me mix all 4 flavors of icee they had.
--We dropped him off with his dad on our way to Flag and it was so hard to say good bye to him.  But we agreed we'd have another sleepover sometime soon.
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Non Austin related highlights . . .

My sister's driveway has a really steep, pretty long hill down to the street.  When Austin and I were sword fighting, he "got" me and I had to fall down, and on a whim, I rolled down the driveway.  Like stomach to back.  Seemed like a good idea at the time even if it was a little painful, and Austin was incredibly entertained, so it was worth it.  Well, I woke up on Monday sore as hell, and I'm having trouble moving my left shoulder.  Go me.

On Friday night Shannon (my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically consider my 3rd sister) let me drive her car to go get food for me and Saucy.  I was so touched.  I love Shannon, and I'm glad she and my sister are such good friends.

On Saturday night my sister and I had a long, painful conversation about some things that was actually pretty . . . I don't know, but definitely good.  It was nice to talk some things out and feel validated in some of the things I feel and have gone through.  It was nice to have someone believe me and not just write me off as crazy.  Plus it's nice to be able to have such a conversation with my sister, because honestly, we're not too close, and that's something I regret and that makes me sad.  It felt like a deeper connection for a while, and I liked that.

Sunday night I got depressed.  I just felt so sad that I had to leave, and I was going to miss Austin so much.  I cried a little.  I told Austin I loved him a lot, which I think he found strange, but whatever.  I just miss him and my family so much.

On Monday my sister and I shopped and had dinner together (with Jerbs too) at the mall before she left to go back to Ktown.  It was nice to hang out with her more one on one and just be able to talk.  Plus Jerbs and I showed her the Gangnam Style video before she left, and everyone should see that.

In a moment of epic failure I left my phone in Jenny's car, and of course didn't realize it until Jenny'd been gone almost 2 hours--which meant she was about in Kingman so there was zero chance she could bring me my phone.  My mom has it now and should mail it tomorrow . . . blergh.  I'm very annoyed with myself for that one.

So overall, it was a great trip.  I felt very at peace while I was there, and that whole depression/funk I'd been in lifted a lot.  But it was also a little sad, because it was a very very clear reminder that I want to be in Kingman.  That I miss that life a lot.  After Austin's party I thought about how glad I'd be if I were leaving with and going home with Corey, and it was just . . . kind of bittersweet, I guess.  I just felt wistful.  But I never broke down.

As for Corey and me, I did text him on Saturday, just to say that I was in town and I'd love to see him and to let me know if he wanted to hang out.  As far as I know he never texted me back (but I was having phone issues).  So that's that.  I'm still not giving up hope.  And the fact that I came back just fine even though I never heard from is a sign that I'm doing better, so I'm glad for that.

I got back to Flagstaff feeling determined.  I feel determined to get back to working on myself.  I'm going to get back to my diet and health stuff, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to try to get into counseling (no guarantee on that one though, just for financial reasons), I'm going to work on my grad school stuff and my writing.  I'm going to remain hopeful about Corey and me, because I still feel, in my heart, that we'll end up together.  I just have to be patient.

A Difficult Day

Halloween was hard for me.

I just felt very depressed that day.  It felt so strange to be in Flagstaff and by myself on Halloween.  I know that sounds stupid because Halloween . . . not a terribly sentimental holiday.  But I'm sentimental about everything and . . . well.

Halloween 2010 fell on a Sunday, and I spent that weekend in Chinle with Corey and his family.  It was the first time I'd visited Chinle in my life, and it was only the second time I met his family.  It was a wonderful weekend; I fit in so well with his family and I felt so welcomed by them.  And Corey was thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to get to know his family.  Halloween night we built a fire and handed out candy and I was introduced to a good chunk of family friends, and it just made me so happy.  On the drive back to Flagstaff Corey asked me if I could see myself living in Chinle and I didn't hesitate to say yes; that night, back in Flagstaff when we were going to bed, he asked me to marry him.  He'd asked before ("for fun") and I always knew he meant it, but something about that particular night just felt even more so.  In a way I feel like that weekend was one of the ones that cemented our relationship.

Last year we spent Halloween in Kingman.  I baked sugar cookies shaped like ghosts and bats for his class, and after school we dressed up ourselves and Benji and went over to my mom's.  My mom lives in an area that's high traffic for trick or treaters (sidewalks, street lights, houses that are close together) and she usually gets about 300 kids.  My dad was there too, and of course my sister and Austin as Buzz Lightyear.  Corey and I handed out candy while my parents and sister took Austin out, and then we did a little trick or treating with Austin.  After all that Corey and I went home and watched Hocus Pocus and cuddled.

Halloween just feels like a milestone somehow and this year, we missed it.  It's not a happy though.  It makes me feel like shit.  And I just feel like if we missed this one we'll miss the rest of them too, and that it really is over.  And I'm sure people reading this might be like, it's been over, you idiot, but . . . well.  I'm not ready to give up hope yet, although this probably put me a little closer.

Halloween is also, at least in my opinion, the start of the holiday season--Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc.  Normally this is my favorite favorite favorite time of year.  I love it.  Normally I see all the Thanksgiving/Harvest and Christmas stuff at the store and get SO excited.  I think of all the things I want to do and decorations I want to put up.  I start looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to put up a Christmas tree . . . and last year those experiences were amazing because I shared them with Corey and it made me happy.  And this year . . . I want to skip it all.

But I'll elaborate on that later.

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In other news I'm going to Kingman this weekend for Austin's birthday.  He'll be 4 on Monday and his party's on Sunday, and my sister (his mom) is coming up tomorrow to pick me up (which is awesome).  I'm so excited, because I want to see Austin and my family, and I promised Austin I'd be there for his birthday back in June.  When I was packing and getting ready to leave, he asked when I was coming back; I told him I didn't know but that I'd definitely be back for his birthday--it made him so happy, and I'm happy I get to keep that promise.

I'm also a little apprehensive about it, just because of how crushing the last trip there ended up being.  But this time, I'm going in with no expectations--in fact, I didn't even tell Corey I'm coming.  I'm sure there's a bit of my subconscious that hopes to see him but I'm really not expecting to.

We'll see how it goes.  Hopefully I'll enjoy myself better this time around.  Which I know I will, because my sister got a bounce house for Austin's party . . . hard to be sad in a bounce house!