Remember When?

Lately I find myself feeling very nostalgic.  I think it's mostly related to this time of year, because it was right around 4 years ago that I went on my first date with my ex.  

I remember him asking me to hang out via Facebook, and I remember almost ignoring the message and pretending I'd never seen it, and then saying yes at the last minute because I knew he needed to talk to someone and I felt bad blowing him off.  I remember him calling for directions to my apartment, because I live on the weirdest street in Flagstaff (it's a boulevard that is literally a block long) and no one can find it unless they've been there before.  I remember just driving all over town and listening to him talk about whatever.  I remember finally stopping at Lake Mary, and walking down to the water and having to grab his hand a few times to keep from falling, and him holding on longer than was necessary every time.  I remember him asking to hold me and sitting on a rock at the side of the lake with his arms around me.  I remember going to WalMart to buy an inflatable raft and leaving disappointed because they didn't have any.  I remember him taking the longest route possible to take me home, and him saying it was just because of the road work on the highway, and I remember having a feeling that he really just didn't want to drop me off.  I remember coming home and telling Jerbs about him and her making a comment that when I talked about him, I smiled like she hadn't seen me smile in a long time.

And all that wasn't even our first date.  Our first date was the next night, when he showed up at my apartment with a stuffed duck, a get well card, and a raft.

I really do miss him.  And it seems to get worse instead of better--I feel like I miss him more now than I ever have, when we're 2 years out from the break up and I'm fairly settled into this life without him.  It's something I just can't seem to get over, regardless of what I do.  I think I talk a big game about being over him, about not caring, and it's bullshit.  I am happy with my life, yes, and I'm doing well on my own, but I'm not over him.  I also think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be over it, telling myself that it's stupid to hang on and that I'm an idiot for still being in love with him and that after 2 years, I should have moved on.

I'm done with that.  I'm done beating myself up for the way I feel about him.  Honestly, it was a serious, real relationship, we were very committed to each other, and I'm not ashamed of the fact that those feelings are still there.  I'm allowed to feel the way I feel.  Obviously I'm not going to let it rule my life or anything like that, but still.

I want to be with him.  I know that, at this point, the odds of anything happening, of him feeling the same way, of him not having found someone else, are utterly astronomical, but I'm choosing to remain hopeful.  Because I still feel like he's who I'm supposed to end up with.  There's just something about him, about the way we were together, that makes me believe that.  I'm sure I sound like a total idiot to anyone reading this, but whatever.  I'm OK with that.

Confessions & Some Self Shaming

For the past week or so, I have felt compelled to think about, in great detail, some of my worst behavior during my relationship with Ex-Fiance.  Some of the meanest and most ridiculous things I said and did to him that ultimately contributed to our relationship ending.

I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement.  I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again.  And I think I finally have.  I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes.  And it's not pleasant.  Not in the least.  I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there.  To get it off my chest.  Let people know that I'm horrible.  I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes.  The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
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If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment.  He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no.  (This got better once we lived together but still).

Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink.  And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.

Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.

I routinely made plans to leave him in my head.  When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her.  Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.

When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom).  Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.

Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin.  All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything.  I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was.  I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.

When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it.  I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him.  Just ignore his calls and texts altogether.  There really was never a reason for it.

I'd say nasty things online about him.  Specifically on Twitter.  I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.

The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home.  And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.

There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down.  Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
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Yep.  That was me.  That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day.  I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did.  We definitely definitely did.  But still, I was never very good.

There really is no excuse for all of that behavior.  I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better.  Not that that is in any way a defense.

What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person.  I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way.  I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.

And I can say, too, that I'm better now.  That I am profoundly different from who I was then.  Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way.  My thought processes are not remotely the same.  Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then.  With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better.  I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind.  It's amazing.

I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship.  I really do.  And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.

Either way, I will use this as a learning experience.  What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help.  I've learned not to take love for granted.

And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.

And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself.  And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy.  That's the most important thing, I think.  Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.

Loved and Lost

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

That's been on my mind lately.  Mostly because since the whole break up thing happened there have been people who said it to me and it always just kind of bugs me.

So I asked myself . . . if I could go back to a time before either of my serious relationships started and know how they'd end up before I got into them . . . would I do it again?

With Jerbs, I'm not sure.  I loved her and our break up wasn't too over dramatic or anything.  I mean, it wasn't a pleasant experience, but still.  However, in the years since the break up I've felt a tremendous amount of guilt over her.  I've felt guilty for not being with her after all she's done for me, and I feel guilty that she's still doing so much for me even though I've fallen in love with someone else and all that.  So I'd only not date Jerbs in order to avoid the guilt.  If I could go back and see how things turned out, I'd still do it, I'd probably just work harder to not become so dependent on her during the relationship.  And I might insist we not live together after the break up.

With Ex-Fiance, there's no question: if I had known that things would turn out this way, I'd choose to never meet him.  I'd rather have never known him at all than be going through this now.  Yes, love is wonderful and all that, but in my opinion, not worth this.  Not in the least.

And it's not even really because of not having him.  As much as I love Ex-Fiance, I'm pretty sure I can adjust to life without him in it.  What's hard to live with is the intense sense of worthlessness I got out of this whole thing.  When Ex-Fiance broke up with me I felt completely worthless.  I was so distraught that someone could tell me that I meant so much, that I was worth so much, that he loved me so much, that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life.  He promised to always love me, and I believed him--I believed him 100%.  And for him to be able to just walk away from all that is mind blowing to me.  Nothing--NOTHING--has ever hurt my self esteem so much.  And I know that I contributed to the break up to, but the . . . I don't know, the coldness of it on his part was hurtful.

It seems that people get engaged left and right anymore.  I know tons of people from college who have gotten engaged and broken up like it was nothing, and I hate that.  When I got engaged, I meant it.  I wasn't agreeing to an engagement and a shiny ring--I was agreeing to a marriage and a life long commitment.  And there have been people who have acted like I was an idiot for ever believing in it at all, which is just sad.  He asked me to marry him; I thought he meant it.  I honestly believed that that relationship was it for me.  And going from that to this just sucks.

I hate how I went from being sure of something to being sure of nothing.  I don't like where I am right now; I don't like being back to wondering where my life is going.  Sure, a marriage was going to be just one part of my life, but it was nice to have something to be sure about.

So even though I still love Ex-Fiance, I'd choose not meeting him over this any.day.of.the.week.  The end.

Simple

Something I've noticed lately (probably over the past few weeks, maybe a month) is that my feelings towards Ex-Fiance have changed quite a bit.

What I feel hasn't changed.  I still love him, I still miss him, I am still hoping for a chance to reconcile and be together again.  In fact, those feelings have actually increased since I moved back to Flagstaff.

But these feelings have become much simpler.

When we first broke up, it felt so complicated in my head.  Especially once I moved.  I was just constantly wondering about the break up and asking myself what went wrong.  I'd feel insanely angry and bitter and just want to scream, then I'd feel so depressed that all I wanted was to sit and cry.  I looked back over the relationship and picked out issues that drove us apart and thought of how they could be corrected.  I thought of specific moments that were bad between us.  I wondered where he was and what he was doing and how he was without me.  I panicked, over and over and over again, at little reminders of him and that life.

And now . . . now all I think is that I miss him and love him.  And that I want very badly to see him.  I want to put my arms around him and bury my head in his shoulder like I used to.

I know that those things would just be a beginning.  I know that if anything is going to happen, there are things we'll need to discuss and work out figure out, and I know that probably won't be easy or pleasant.  But I'm at a point where it doesn't scare me anymore.  Where however hard it's going to be to rebuild, it's worth it, because I love him enough to stick it out.

I think this is a good thing.  I think maybe this is something I needed to realize.  I think our relationship was one where we both became so focused on the problems and issues that we sort of lost sight of just loving each other.  And I feel like that no matter what, that's the most important thing, and that a sincere love for each other should be at the base of any serious relationship.

I feel ready to talk things out.  I feel ready to start this conversation.  Between how much better I'm doing mental health wise, how strongly I feel about Ex-Fiance and how much those feelings have gone back to basics, and how confident I feel in my ability to move forward with him . . . I'm ready.  I just feel like I'm at a place where I could have that conversation and have it be successful--where we could rebuild things and be better at it.  It's hard to put into words but it really is how I feel.

I think back to basics is a good place to be as far as the relationship goes.  I want a fresh start and I think that's the best way to get it.

A Difficult Day

Halloween was hard for me.

I just felt very depressed that day.  It felt so strange to be in Flagstaff and by myself on Halloween.  I know that sounds stupid because Halloween . . . not a terribly sentimental holiday.  But I'm sentimental about everything and . . . well.

Halloween 2010 fell on a Sunday, and I spent that weekend in Chinle with Corey and his family.  It was the first time I'd visited Chinle in my life, and it was only the second time I met his family.  It was a wonderful weekend; I fit in so well with his family and I felt so welcomed by them.  And Corey was thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to get to know his family.  Halloween night we built a fire and handed out candy and I was introduced to a good chunk of family friends, and it just made me so happy.  On the drive back to Flagstaff Corey asked me if I could see myself living in Chinle and I didn't hesitate to say yes; that night, back in Flagstaff when we were going to bed, he asked me to marry him.  He'd asked before ("for fun") and I always knew he meant it, but something about that particular night just felt even more so.  In a way I feel like that weekend was one of the ones that cemented our relationship.

Last year we spent Halloween in Kingman.  I baked sugar cookies shaped like ghosts and bats for his class, and after school we dressed up ourselves and Benji and went over to my mom's.  My mom lives in an area that's high traffic for trick or treaters (sidewalks, street lights, houses that are close together) and she usually gets about 300 kids.  My dad was there too, and of course my sister and Austin as Buzz Lightyear.  Corey and I handed out candy while my parents and sister took Austin out, and then we did a little trick or treating with Austin.  After all that Corey and I went home and watched Hocus Pocus and cuddled.

Halloween just feels like a milestone somehow and this year, we missed it.  It's not a happy though.  It makes me feel like shit.  And I just feel like if we missed this one we'll miss the rest of them too, and that it really is over.  And I'm sure people reading this might be like, it's been over, you idiot, but . . . well.  I'm not ready to give up hope yet, although this probably put me a little closer.

Halloween is also, at least in my opinion, the start of the holiday season--Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc.  Normally this is my favorite favorite favorite time of year.  I love it.  Normally I see all the Thanksgiving/Harvest and Christmas stuff at the store and get SO excited.  I think of all the things I want to do and decorations I want to put up.  I start looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to put up a Christmas tree . . . and last year those experiences were amazing because I shared them with Corey and it made me happy.  And this year . . . I want to skip it all.

But I'll elaborate on that later.

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In other news I'm going to Kingman this weekend for Austin's birthday.  He'll be 4 on Monday and his party's on Sunday, and my sister (his mom) is coming up tomorrow to pick me up (which is awesome).  I'm so excited, because I want to see Austin and my family, and I promised Austin I'd be there for his birthday back in June.  When I was packing and getting ready to leave, he asked when I was coming back; I told him I didn't know but that I'd definitely be back for his birthday--it made him so happy, and I'm happy I get to keep that promise.

I'm also a little apprehensive about it, just because of how crushing the last trip there ended up being.  But this time, I'm going in with no expectations--in fact, I didn't even tell Corey I'm coming.  I'm sure there's a bit of my subconscious that hopes to see him but I'm really not expecting to.

We'll see how it goes.  Hopefully I'll enjoy myself better this time around.  Which I know I will, because my sister got a bounce house for Austin's party . . . hard to be sad in a bounce house!

Looking Back

Recently, mostly out of boredom, I've gone through my Twitter account, reading tweets from the past two years--basically since I met Corey.  That inspired me to do the same thing on Facebook, and what started out as just something to do because I was bored ended up being pretty eye opening.

First of all, I remember how detached and disengaged I felt when I wrote a good chunk of those statuses, and it's an odd thing to remember.  I remember a lot of the statuses but I also remember only being half there when I wrote them.  It's strange, because that sense of detachment is something that has gotten a lot better in the past . . . oh, 5 monthsish.  And remembering it was almost terrifying, because in a way, I can't believe I ever lived like that.  I can't believe that was ever just my normal.  Now . . . well, I feel so much better in that regard, and it's kind of nice to see proof of improvement.  As far as the detachment goes, I wonder about how the whole break up thing might have helped with that, and in a way, I think I needed a big, traumatic event to pull me back into my life, if that makes sense.  (Although why a big happy event like finding the man of my dreams didn't do that I'll never understand . . . but too late to worry about that now).

Second of all, I was so negative.  Every other tweet or FB status that I posted was about being angry or sad or sick . . . I found very few positive things over the years.  And that's really just kind of depressing.  I mean, I knew I wasn't a happy person because I was sick, but I don't think I ever realized just how negative I was. I feel like I've definitely improved in that area as well, and if you look at my tweets or statuses since the break up, there's a lot more positivity.  I still have some bad days and it's not all sunshine but I feel like the bad things now are just normal things to be upset about.  Like posting that I'm ticked about not getting the job, or being frustrated over things at work--normal.  It's not like it used to be where every little thing that happened to me was negative or pissed me off or whatever.

Third of all--and most significantly, I think--I see the dichotomies in my personality; I see the kind of ups and downs and bipolar-ness of it.  Like there'll be statuses about how much I disliked Corey and how I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him, but then within a day there'll be something about how much I love Corey and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  It's . . . weird.  And it kind of makes me go, no wonder there was such tension between us.  No wonder I was so uneasy in the relationship--I couldn't figure things out.

I wonder why I was so up and down with Corey.  I think, it's just because I was sick.  And then I think, could it really be that simple?  Is it really just that easily explained?

I think it is.  I think it was all the mental illness.  I know that for Corey, it got to a point where he decided that we just weren't compatible, and that was what led to the end of our relationship.  But I honestly believe that if I were completely mentally healthy and he and I tried again, we would succeed.  And this sort of past reading has made me certain that I never would have gotten better while I was with Corey, no matter how much I wanted to.

What I can say is this: I have definitely changed for the better since our break up.  Which is not to say that I don't want to get back together with Corey or anything, because I definitely do.  I am just so much healthier mentally than I was at that point in time.  I read those old tweets and FB statuses and I know that they're mine, I know that those words came from me, but I feel like I'm a different person now than I was then.

I like me a lot better now.

Puzzle Pieces

I think one of the issues with my relationship with Corey was that in a way, he was the catalyst for my seeking help for my mental health problems.  Even though I'd known for quite awhile before we met that I needed to get help, it wasn't until we were together and he was encouraging me that I actually did it.

And I admit that he was a big part of the reason.  He made me want to get better.  He made me feel like there was something worth living for, because he was worth living for.  Not that he was the only thing but he was the big one, if that makes sense.  There was just something about how much he said he loved me that made me feel like living was a good thing instead of a bad thing.  Like my life actually meant something to someone.  I know I meant something to my family too but they were far away and busy, and I know I meant something to Jerbs, but she and I had our own set of issues back then.

Now, I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with one particular person in your life finally making you want to fix yourself.  But I think my disorders made it hard for me to focus on anyone other than Corey, even in the context of getting better--and that's not healthy, to hang all of your hopes on one person.  And I knew that then and I never really intended things to go that way.  I envisioned it as, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to seek treatment and get help, girl gets better and she and boy fall even more in love now that she's healthy and able to be a good partner, happily ever after.  And instead it went something like, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to get help, girl gets help but is terrified that changing at all will make boy leave her, gets too caught up in being in love with boy to focus on her own issues, things fall completely apart.

I think a lot of it had to do with identity.  I thought, Corey met me and feel for me when I was still sick, and maybe he won't love me if I'm well (stupid, I know, but these disorders are not know for being rational).  And I didn't know who I was when I met him, and since I didn't know who I was alone, I could never figure out who I was in the relationship.  I guess the lesson is that it's dangerous to lose yourself in someone if you're not grounded in yourself first.

There's nothing wrong with being lost in someone as long as you know  the way back to you.  I didn't.

Ultimately, I feel like I'm putting together a puzzle, getting my life together.  School, work, car, money, treatment, they're all pieces.  And I think that Corey--or just love in general, be it with him or someone else--is still absolutely a piece of that puzzle.  It's just going to have to be the last piece, not the first piece.

Crushed

So I went to Kingman for a couple of reasons.  Obviously I wanted to see my family and hang out with Saucy, and I planned to pick up some boxes at my old house--like my winter clothes because it's getting pretty cold up here and all that.  

And I wanted to see Ex-Fiance.  I've just been missing him so much lately and I've been wanting to see him.  So on Thursday I texted him and asked if he wanted to have dinner on Friday.

And wouldn't you know it . . . I chose the one weekend he was going out of town to Chinle.  And it just depressed me, because I don't know when I'll make it to Kingman again.

But things were OK until I had to go to the house and get my stuff.  I'd been dreading it and the butterflies in my stomach as we (Austin and I) pulled up to the house were intense.  My mom met me there and in the end I couldn't even go in the house--I gave her my keys and told her to just open the garage.

She did, and seeing all of my stuff piled there--including the bookcase and desk I'd told Ex-Fiance he could keep using--just made me sick.  Like, it made me physically ill.  I just wanted to be done with it and I tore through there, grabbed the boxes I needed and got the hell out.  It was awful.

I hadn't expected it to be easy.  I knew it was going to be a difficult experience, and  that's one reason I was so disappointed that Ex-Fiance wasn't there--I'd thought it would be a little easier to do if there was a sense of friendliness between us, if that makes sense.  Seeing all of my boxes piled up like that brought back how it felt to be packing them and dreading moving and all the other bad things from when we first broke up--and those are the feelings I've been working very, very hard to get past.

It was a horrible experience and I just wanted to get out of Kingman at that point.  I'd planned to stay until Sunday afternoon, but on Friday night, I got to thinking I might leave Saturday night, and the whole getting my stuff thing cemented it.  (And then that made me feel guilty for leaving early because I felt like I was abandoning my family, and then I felt some of the anger towards Ex-Fiance come back).  

Plus I think my PMDD cycle has started so that did not help things at all.

I just felt crushed afterwards.  I felt completely emotionally destroyed.  I felt like I had made no progress whatsoever and I was right back at square one, right where I'd been when I left.  I felt defeated.

I'd been expecting something different.  I'd thought Ex-Fiance and I would have dinner on Friday night and that things would feel friendly between us, and that alone was something I was looking forward to.  I was looking forward to the silence being broken.  And if that had happened it wouldn't have felt quite so awful to go over there on Saturday and get my things.  

I'd also been hoping, in the very back of my mind, that seeing each other face to face after a couple months might spark a conversation about us.  And losing that made me feel a bit panicky, I guess--the longer we go without discussing anything the more worried I am about it.  But I'll elaborate on that later.

But there IS a silver lining.  As crushed and sad and all that as I felt, I didn't have an actual breakdown.  Those negative emotions were intense but not breakdown intense--just normal woman dealing with a breakup and still being in love with an ex emotions.  So that, at least, is good.

More Ramblings

I think there are 2 big reasons I had trouble settling into life with Ex-Fiance.

1.  I think in some way I never felt like I had a right to him.  I don't want to get into detail because I don't like remembering all the details, but my and Ex-Fiance's getting together was a bit . . . scandalous.  Maybe that's not the right word, but something like that.  Ex-Fiance was (very) recently single when we met--like, he'd been single a few hours when we bumped into each other.  We started dating a week later and it made quite a few people very angry.  And one person spread a lot of rumors and I lost a lot of friends, and it was a stupid petty nightmare.  And Ex-Fiance reassured me throughout that he was happy with me and loved me no matter what anyone said but I think on some small level I internalized all that shit and as a result I was never able to feel like he was really, truly mine.  And I still feel that difference; other women get to introduce their new man to friends and have girls who could be bridesmaids and . . . I didn't have any of that.  So I felt like I was doing it wrong somehow.  (I realize now how dumb that is, and even though I don't know how to get over it yet, being away from Ex-Fiance has made me realize how silly it was--I don't care how we do it as long as we do it).

2.  I didn't feel like I was good enough for him.  When we met I had no job, I was drastically out of shape, I was mentally unstable, I was sharing a cell phone with my roommate (who was also my ex girlfriend).  So . . . yeah.  Meanwhile Ex-Fiance kind of seemed like everything I wanted and I think I was jealous and a little resentful.  So.  Yeah.  I'll elaborate later.

Ex-Fiance was in an unhappy relationship before me and I wanted to make him happy.  And it turns out I was actually worse for him and that makes me feel like shit.

I remember thinking that if he got over her so fast and could be with me already then he must have never loved her.  And now he's gotten over me just as quickly and completely and I feel like nothing.

I don't understand how things just end.  It's bizarre to me that I lived with him.  That I was engaged to him.  That I thought I'd be with him for the rest of my life.  That I woke up with him on Christmas morning in Chinle, that we cooked Thanksgiving dinner together, that we shared a car, that I helped him decorate his classroom . . . I just . . . I guess I just kind of feel like, how can that not be my life?  How can that not be it?

People now seem to get engaged left and right and break up left and right too.  I know a lot of people who have been engaged and broken up like it was nothing, and I just . . . I don't get it.  I can't do that.  I don't give my heart away lightly.  And when Ex-Fiance asked me to marry him and I said yes, I saw it as a commitment.  I wasn't just saying yes to wearing a ring and being called a fiance, I was committing to him for the rest of my life.  To the engagement and the wedding and everything that came after in the marriage.

I don't know if I ever felt like Ex-Fiance was that committed to me.  But I think the doubt was just the mental illness.

I wish I could just turn my mind off for a day or two.  These thoughts are exhausting.

Ramblings

I have so much on my mind lately.  I'm kind of in that phase of my head is just constantly moving.  It's not really in an anxious way just . . . crowded, I guess.  Like instead of being linear and focused my thoughts are kind of spiraling out in all directions and they're random.

Most of it is Ex-Fiance related, of course.  I think about him a lot lately.  I miss him so much.  September 20th would be our second anniversary and I'm dreading that day because . . . well, obviously.

I don't even know where to begin.  I have no idea how to begin to sort or categorize these thoughts, if that makes sense.

I just . . . I miss him.  It was this time 2 years ago that I was falling in love with him, and it was the most amazing, wonderful thing I'd ever felt.  I can't describe it, and I'd never felt that way before.  I loved him, and I loved how I felt when I was with him, and I loved who I was when I was with him.  I felt whole and healthy.  He made me want to get better.  He made me feel like getting healthy was worth it.  I think one of the reasons I'd never really tried to get mentally healthy before was because I never felt like there was anything worth getting better for.  I never felt like getting better would improve anything--it wouldn't make my debts go away or get me a job or make me lose weight.  But then I  found Ex-Fiance and I felt like there was something worth getting better for.

It wasn't just him.  I mean, I wasn't just thinking, I need to get better for Ex-Fiance.  He made me feel like I could do anything.  He was supportive and encouraging of my writing and always told me that he'd support whatever decision I made about grad school/careers/etc.  He just made me feel like I could live my life, like I wasn't a total failure.  He made me feel like the life I wanted was possible, and that was priceless.  I have said before, and will say again, that whatever happens between him and me in the end, I'll always be grateful to him for that.  Before I met him, I was hiding and sort of shutting myself off from the world and I hated that.    It is strange to think about that beautiful beginning and how it led to nothing.

I loved the life I thought I would have with him.  I loved the thought of being a bride and having a beautiful wedding and taking his last name.  I loved the thought of living together and hearing about his day when he came home and cooking dinner together and just . . . all that silly domestic stuff sounded so good.  I loved the thought of growing old together, and I really did imagine those things.  I never realized that was something I wanted out of life.  I never thought I wanted to get married or anything that went with it but . . . Ex-Fiance changed my mind.  Before the mental illness got bad, I was still unhappy, and I remember this weird sense of feeling like I was longing for something but I had no idea what.  I think it was that life--I think that was the answer.

But that was the beginning, and nothing turned out like I thought it would.  I just . . . couldn't get past the mental illness.  And I'm so mad at myself for that.  So so so mad.  That life was right there, waiting for me.  It was sleeping next to me every night and kissing me goodbye every morning and coming home to me every afternoon.  And I . . . couldn't.  I just couldn't live it.  And I don't know why.  I wanted it more than anything and I loved him so much and . . . I don't even know.  I feel like I had all of the ingredients for the best meal ever sitting out on the counter, but I had no clue how to put them together and I didn't have a recipe.

The thing is, though, that when I hear from or about people who ARE living that life--girls I knew in high school or college who I keep up with online and bloggers I follow--it's like, something about it just seems like it's not supposed to be mine.  Like I will never actually be a woman who can live that life.  And I try not to let my head go there and I tell myself that I can and will live that life, but that I have to get better first.  I tell myself that it is possible.  But there are days when I can't stop myself from feeling like Ex-Fiance and I could have stayed together for years and I never would have been good for him the way I wanted to be.

That's what I really hate myself for.  The fact that I couldn't be the partner he needed.  The fact that I failed when I so wanted to succeed.  That when he needed me I couldn't be there for him.  And that I lost him because of it.

But in the end I think Ex-Fiance had changed too.  When we first met he was this sweet, idealistic, romantic guy and by the end he seemed hardened somehow.  Which is probably because of a few things--being out of school and in the real world, moving, financial strain, the stress of his job.  But I'm certain I had something to do with it.  I shut him down.  I ruined him, and oh my God . . . that is the most awful thought to me.  That I took this really sweet wonderful guy and made him cynical and angry and . . . good Lord I hate myself for that.  I can't stand the thought that I'm the reason someone needs therapy or antidepressants or something like that.  Even if he wasn't perfect in our relationship either he never deserved that.  The worst thought is that there will be someone after me who undoes that and who does all the things I wanted to do for him.

I don't understand myself.

I am still hopeful.  I hope with enough time and enough help (for us both) that we'll be able to talk things out and put the past behind us and start fresh together.  I know that's unlikely but I just . . . I can't give up yet, I guess.  I still believe in it too much.

Mental Illness and My Relationship

After my post yesterday, I got to thinking.  Because in that post I said that Ex-Fiance and I couldn't make things work while I was still being ruled by the mental illnesses, and I realized that makes it sounds like it's all on me.  Like it's just, Jessica is fucked up, Jessica needs to get better, blah blah blah.

But that's not really it.  Sure that's part of it, but there's more to it, and I wanted to clarify, I guess.

A)Yes, from the beginning of our relationship, I was too mentally ill to be in a relationship.  As the mental illness got worse (because for like 2 months after I met Ex-Fiance I was so giddy about it that my symptoms were ignoreable), I stopped being able to really relate to Ex-Fiance appropriately.  I felt so much anxiety about him--this constant worry that he'd leave me, that he wasn't happy with me, that he wanted to be with his ex, and on and on and on.  And while sometimes those feelings were manageable and he was able to reassure me, there were a lot of breakdowns where I'd totally lose it.  And if I was breaking down Ex-Fiance could not win.  He tried and tried to make me happy and assuage me during the breakdowns and I just . . . wouldn't let him win.  Whatever he did, no matter how sweet or nice it was, I shot him down.  I was horrible.

B)All those breakdowns were a drain on our relationship, and that was back when Ex-Fiancewas working part time as a sub in a different city so he had a lot of time to call or text me, and he visited whenever he could.  When Ex-Fiance started teaching and had a full time, important job to focus on, my head took a bit of a hit (because I was selfish).  I tried to be supportive of him but it was hard.  And then when his job ended up being hellishly stressful, he started to detach, and then I broke down even more.  So basically we were both unhappy and both not in a good place to support one another.

C)As a result, things got tense and uncomfortable between us.  We were almost afraid to be around one another, it seemed like--I think because we were both worried about the other's mood but didn't really know what to do to help each other.

D)Communication between us became non-existent.  So we couldn't do very basic things like budgeting.  Or talk about what was wrong and figure out how to fix it.

E)Even once I was back on medication, we couldn't get back to what we'd had or wanted to have.  I think there was just a lot of bad stuff blocking the good, if that makes sense.  It got to a point that all we could see in each other and in our relationship were negatives.

Anyway, so that's that.  I still hope (and think) that we'll be able to work things out.  And even though this is hard it's nice to be able to figure these things out, to kind of look back and be like, oh, that's something that went wrong that we needed to fix.  There are still more things on my part that I need to figure out that are all mental illness related (like why I thought such weird things about Ex-Fiance and whatever).  That'll come with time, though.

By Now . . .

I thought that at least something would have gone right.

That I'd have found a full time job.  But I haven't.

That my treatment would be going well.  But it's not.  I did get my labwork done but I don't know the lab's turn around time so . . . who knows when it'll actually do me any good.

That Corey would have contacted me more and maybe told me he loved me; that we'd have had a conversation about us and established that there's hope for our future.  But I never hear from him.  I stopped contacting him a few days ago because I was sick of being the clingy loser who needed him and it's clearly made no difference to him whatsoever.

If I could have just ONE of those three things I'd feel infinitely better.  But instead I feel like my life is epically  failing in all three areas where I want it to improve.

I have never felt so lost or miserable, and I've never felt such an intense sense of desperation before.

I feel like I can't catch a fucking break no matter how hard I try.

I just want Corey to come up here and hold me and tell me that it's going to be OK.  It's so stupid to want that and to feel like I need it but . . . oh my God I do.

Why I Keep Trying

One thing that's kind of been an issue for a long time is WHY I want to get better.

I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him.  And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.

Very not healthy.  And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.

I'm not getting better for Corey.  I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it.  I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit.  And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.

I was shocked but in a very good way.  And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.

It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him.  Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him.  It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.

I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding.  In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted.  I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.

Corey made me realize how much I wanted that.  I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate.  And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.

And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life.  Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.

And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way.  I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.

Still.  I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst.  Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will.  And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.

On My Mind

I did some more packing today.  Which actually makes me kind of impressed with myself.

I just feel kind of blah, I guess.  And obviously there's a lot on my mind.

Sometimes I wonder why I want this to work out.  I wonder if I want it to work out because I actually love Corey and genuinely want to be with him, or because I'm afraid of the change.  Do I want him?  Or do I just not want to lose something I put so much of myself into?

Because that's what really bothers me, I think.  I thought of him as my husband, I considered myself his wife, and we had a very intimate relationship.  And I have a very hard time just . . . turning that off.  And I can't do the dating thing because of that.  I can't start something with someone, end it, and then just do it again.  I haven't been in a lot of relationships, and I know that dating around isn't something that really works for me.  To me, it doesn't make sense.

But I think Corey and I are good together, and that's why I want it to work.

My biggest fear is what's going to happen after I'm in Flagstaff.  When will I talk to Corey again?  When will I see him again?  For almost 2 years I've spoken to him every day and seen him pretty much every day (minus when we were long distance for awhile).  But now . . . I don't know.  It feels very up in the air, and I really, really, really don't like it.  I worry that it'll be kind of out of sight out of mind and I don't want that.  I hope it'll be more along the lines of absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I don't like not knowing.  I want to know what's going to happen.  I imagine things that I want to happen . . . but really, I don't know.

I still hope things will work out, but I also still know why we need to take this break, and I still think it'll do us some good.  It just seems to be getting more and more difficult as the actual leaving part gets harder.

It's Not Fair

Sometimes I feel like this is just not fair.

It's not fair that Corey gets to keep our life.  I feel like I'm not just losing him, I'm also losing a house I really like, bell choir, orchestra, a job/co-workers I like/adore, living close to my family and getting to spend time with my nephew.  It sucks.  I feel like he gets to break my heart and go on living his life like it's nothing, while I'm the one being thrown into an uncertain and uncomfortable situation.

I do NOT do well with moving.  I do NOT do well with staying in strange places.  I do NOT do well when I don't have a place that feels distinctly like home to me.  And . . . that's exactly where I'm going.

And I wonder how people will act around me and treat me if/when I come back.  Like what has Corey already told our mutual friends and his co-workers?  What will he tell them while I'm gone?  I feel like I'll come back and they'll know him better than I do.  Fucking.  Sucks.

I know that's not true.  I know that this break is as much for Corey to work on himself as it is for me to work on myself.  I know that he needs to focus on that, and I have faith that he will be.  And I know that I need a break too and that I do actually want this almost as much as he does.

Sigh.  I really fucking hate this.

I Hate This

Earlier I went into the NERD room, and found that Corey had taken all of my stuff out of the closet there and just kind of piled it up for me.  Ostensibly he was just trying to help me pack, since I'm leaving in a week, but still, it kinda fucking killed me.  It was just kind of a reminder that this is what he wants, and I think that's what makes it difficult: there is still a very big part of me that just cannot believe that this is actually what he wants.  I can't wrap my head around the fact that he's just . . . over it.  And seeing all of my things separated out and piled up like I was nothing was a big, visual reminder that this is what he wants.  I think deep down I've always hoped that he'd change his mind and ask me to stay and work it out--I mean, I knew that wasn't going to happen, but still.  Subconsciously maybe.  But I know that that wouldn't be a solution; I know that if he asked me to stay and I did things would be just like they were before and that . . . would not be good.  I still hope and think that my leaving and this space will do us some good but . . . I feel like I'm beginning to believe that less and less.

It's one thing to say, yes, I'm packing, and yes, I'm going to leave.  But it's quite another to actually do it and to see it happening.  Besides, I had REALLY wanted to pack on my own fucking terms.  I was so stressed about it that I wanted to do it without his input and now that's ruined and I'm even more stressed about it.  Plus I feel like Corey's rushing me and I don't want that.  I don't want to feel like he wants me gone.

But I think he does.  I think he really does and more and more my gut feeling is that this is really it.  That it's over.  That I'm going to leave for Flagstaff and really just not hear from him again.  And it makes me miserable.  It makes me more miserable than I can say.  Seeing our things separated just hurts . . . I remember when we moved in together last year and combined our things, and we were so dorkily excited about it.  And now he gets to keep that beautiful life and I get to go back the same shit I had before I met him.

I feel like I got this two year window where I saw what I COULD have if I tired.  Where I saw what my life COULD be if I wanted it to be.  But I never tried hard enough and now I hate myself for that so. fucking. much.  I look at Corey and I just feel like . . . I've lost him.

And he'll move on.  He'll find someone else, and he'll treat her just as well as he treated me, only she won't be a fucking psycho.  I imagine him bringing her here and her sitting on this couch and sleeping next to him in our bed and I . . . well, I kinda want to die.  I won't lie.

Just So Strange

I've been working on packing (I've packed a few boxes and am sort of trying to organize the rest of what I need to pack kinda thing) and it's just got me thinking.

Corey is going to drive me to Flagstaff and help me move in to Jerbs' apartment.  And it just occurred to me how strange that trip is going to be.  What the hell do you say to someone in that situation?  I mean, Corey and I are doing ok and right now we're in a decent place with each other (affectionate, caring, etc) and I don't think that'll magically disappear over those 142 miles.  But still, it feels like it could be awkward.  At the very least it'll be weird.

Another weird thing is how I think it'll feel if we work things out.  I think the best thing to do if we decided to try again would be to just kind of start fresh, or at least with a clean slate.  And I was just thinking it'll be very strange to introduce him as my boyfriend when I've already lived with him and shared a life with him.  Y'know?  It's just strange because we already have a history together, we already have a past.  How do you start over with someone you've already been so intimate with?

I know this isn't that big of a deal.  If we get back together it won't be so much starting over as coming back to the relationship with a clean slate and a clear head.  We'll come back and all of that good history will still be there, all of those beautiful pieces of our past, but our future will look a lot brighter.  I'm not saying we'll totally forget about the bad things but we'll be able to put the past behind us; we'll be able to look at the good parts of the past and be happy about them, but we'll be able to leave the bad things behind enough so that we can be happy together in the present.

The thing is, I'm excited for this.  I'm excited for the eventual opportunity to start a little fresher with Corey.  Sometimes I think how excited I am is what's making me anxious and miserable, because I just want that, and I want it now.  I think this will get me to a place where I can be the person I always wanted to be within the relationship.  But more on that later.

For now, it's bed time!

Frustrated

Ever since I decided to go back to Flag and that this is really something I'm going to do, I've had these moments, here and there, of extreme frustration, almost anger.

I don't WANT to start over.  I don't WANT to have to figure my life out again.  I don't want to consider grad school, I don't want to have to buy a car, I don't want to put my life on hold.  That's what this feels like a lot--putting my life one hold.  I think of all the things I wanted to do with Corey this summer, like go hiking and camping and fly kites and do puzzles and just have fun together and GET MARRIED, and I know that now I won't get to do any of those things.  And I know we can do them eventually, but I don't like having plans change like that.  I don't like uncertainty; I don't like not knowing.  Because I have borderline personality disorder, a change of plans that seems manageable (so we'll go camping next summer or this fall, so we'll get married later) feels like a complete identity shift to me.  Losing those plans and that life, essentially, makes me feel like I don't know who I am or where my life is going, etc.  It fucking sucks.

I don't want to start over with Corey.  I know that it's necessary and I know that someday I'll look back on this and know it was a good thing.  I know that it'll be exciting if he visits me in Flagstaff to take me on dates, or sends me random texts that he misses me (I so hope those things happen).  But I'm impatient, and I don't want to do the hard stuff.  I just want to get to the OK part where I look back with gratitude.

I tell myself that I'm going to have fun during this split, because getting better is good.  I am going to remember myself, I am going to find my inner strength and confidence again, I am going to think about my life outside of Corey and decide what I want to do with it.  I am going to hang out with Jerbs and work my butt off and pay off my old debts.  I am going to try and buy a car.

I am going to do things that make me happy that I didn't feel I could do while I was in my relationship.

I would like to note, though, that I didn't feel like I couldn't do those things because Corey was holding me back or anything like that.  It was just that I didn't know how to balance those things with being with him.  I want to learn how to be a good partner and an independent person, and that will start with fixing the mental illnesses.  If I had been totally mentally healthy when Corey came along, this balance thing wouldn't be an issue.

I'm also frustrated because of these blurry lines we have going on right now.  For the past week Corey and I have been affectionate with each other; we've been sharing our bed (I legit can't sleep on the couch) and just generally, we've reconnected a little since the breakup.  Neither of us regret it or anything, and we've agreed that we'd both rather leave on more cuddly terms than angry or indifferent ones.  I guess it's not really frustrating so much as that it makes me feel torn between these two lives, if that makes sense.  I'm kind of in purgatory because one life isn't quite over and the other hasn't quite begun, and my borderline parts don't like that very much.

I bitch and bitch about not wanting to start over or figure out my life again, but the reality is that I never had it figured out to begin with.  I have never known what I want to do with my life; I have never had any real long time goals.  Well, to become a novelist, yes, but I've never had a solid career plan or anything like that.  So really this is the first time I'll be figuring it all out for real.

Which then makes me angry because I'm 27 effing years old and I should be way ahead of this point by now.

Mostly my anger is at myself.  I'm angry for not having gotten my shit together a long time ago.  I knew something was wrong and that I needed help and I didn't do crap about it.  I didn't reach out and ask for help either.  And I'm angry at myself for screwing things up with Corey, because I know that I had something really amazing with him--I had an awesome guy who really did see something in me, and who only wanted to help me, and who only ever tried as hard as he could for me.  And instead of being grateful and letting him help I let the disorders have him, too.  He wanted and tried to be stronger than the bipolar disorder but I wouldn't let him.  That shit always had a stronger grip on me than he did.  I hate hate hate hate myself for that.

Sigh.  I really need to go to bed because it's almost 6 AM and I work at noon.  Today's going to be awesome.  [sarcasm]