When Ex-Fiance and I first broke up, and I was telling people, almost everyone said that they were sorry and were sure we'd work it out.
Except Jeff. Jeff, the books manager at the Kingman Hastings, said to me: "It's all right. One day you'll wake up and he won't matter anymore and you'll stop thinking about him."
I remember thinking, at the time, that that was BS.
But now I'm not so sure.
I feel like I've changed almost overnight. I don't know how to put it in words but I don't really feel like I used to . . . but at the same time I still don't feel ready to actually let go.
I'm tired. I'll elaborate later.
11.30.2012
11.29.2012
Thankful Thursday: Last One!
One more Thankful Thursday for this year.
I'm thankful for my blog. I know that sounds weird, but it's been a huge help in getting better. It's nice to have a place to record my progress as well as just record my life at the moment. I blogged all through college and for a few years after, and I've almost always kept a diary--but over the past couple years as I got sick I pretty much stopped. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
I'm also thankful for being better. I never imagined I'd actually get to a point where I believed I was better, and it's so awesome.
I'm thankful for my blog. I know that sounds weird, but it's been a huge help in getting better. It's nice to have a place to record my progress as well as just record my life at the moment. I blogged all through college and for a few years after, and I've almost always kept a diary--but over the past couple years as I got sick I pretty much stopped. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
I'm also thankful for being better. I never imagined I'd actually get to a point where I believed I was better, and it's so awesome.
11.27.2012
Confessions & Some Self Shaming
For the past week or so, I have felt compelled to think about, in great detail, some of my worst behavior during my relationship with Ex-Fiance. Some of the meanest and most ridiculous things I said and did to him that ultimately contributed to our relationship ending.
I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement. I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again. And I think I finally have. I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes. And it's not pleasant. Not in the least. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there. To get it off my chest. Let people know that I'm horrible. I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes. The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
--------------------
If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment. He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no. (This got better once we lived together but still).
Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink. And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.
Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.
I routinely made plans to leave him in my head. When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her. Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.
When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom). Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.
Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin. All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything. I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was. I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.
When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it. I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him. Just ignore his calls and texts altogether. There really was never a reason for it.
I'd say nasty things online about him. Specifically on Twitter. I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.
The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home. And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.
There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down. Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
--------------------
Yep. That was me. That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day. I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did. We definitely definitely did. But still, I was never very good.
There really is no excuse for all of that behavior. I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better. Not that that is in any way a defense.
What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person. I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way. I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.
And I can say, too, that I'm better now. That I am profoundly different from who I was then. Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way. My thought processes are not remotely the same. Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then. With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better. I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind. It's amazing.
I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship. I really do. And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.
Either way, I will use this as a learning experience. What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help. I've learned not to take love for granted.
And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.
And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself. And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy. That's the most important thing, I think. Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.
I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement. I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again. And I think I finally have. I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes. And it's not pleasant. Not in the least. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there. To get it off my chest. Let people know that I'm horrible. I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes. The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
--------------------
If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment. He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no. (This got better once we lived together but still).
Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink. And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.
Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.
I routinely made plans to leave him in my head. When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her. Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.
When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom). Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.
Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin. All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything. I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was. I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.
When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it. I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him. Just ignore his calls and texts altogether. There really was never a reason for it.
I'd say nasty things online about him. Specifically on Twitter. I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.
The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home. And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.
There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down. Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
--------------------
Yep. That was me. That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day. I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did. We definitely definitely did. But still, I was never very good.
There really is no excuse for all of that behavior. I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better. Not that that is in any way a defense.
What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person. I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way. I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.
And I can say, too, that I'm better now. That I am profoundly different from who I was then. Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way. My thought processes are not remotely the same. Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then. With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better. I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind. It's amazing.
I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship. I really do. And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.
Either way, I will use this as a learning experience. What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help. I've learned not to take love for granted.
And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.
And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself. And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy. That's the most important thing, I think. Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.
11.26.2012
So . . .
My phone has a flashlight. A real flashlight like Jerbs' phone does. This might actually be my favorite thing about the new phone. Because I'm a dork.
I updated my resume so it has my new number on it. Woohoo job applications.
I realized that this is the first new, good phone I've had since Corey broke my old one. (Long story there but he snapped it in half. I sorta deserved it). That was last summer and in the time since I've had just hand me down phones from his family and from Jerbs. I love that I have something that's just mine now.
Also, in non phone related news, the other night Jerbs and I were at the mall and I told her I felt kind of losery. (I was having a bad day). She said to me, "Jessica, you're not a loser. You're just tired." It was hilarious, and I want to remember it.
I updated my resume so it has my new number on it. Woohoo job applications.
I realized that this is the first new, good phone I've had since Corey broke my old one. (Long story there but he snapped it in half. I sorta deserved it). That was last summer and in the time since I've had just hand me down phones from his family and from Jerbs. I love that I have something that's just mine now.
Also, in non phone related news, the other night Jerbs and I were at the mall and I told her I felt kind of losery. (I was having a bad day). She said to me, "Jessica, you're not a loser. You're just tired." It was hilarious, and I want to remember it.
11.25.2012
New Phone + Jerbs Is A Genius
Let's start at the very beginning of this story.
When Jerbs and I cleaned her dining table off for Thanksgiving, she found two Best Buy giftcards for $10 each that she got last Christmas. She gave them to me because she doesn't shop at Best Buy and I was like cool, free twenty bucks!
Then we started discussing what to do about my phone problem and we decided the best thing was probably just to get me my own cell phone. Nothing fancy, just a prepaid no contract one. We looked at ones at WalMart and then it occurred to me that I could use the Best Buy giftcards for a new phone.
So last night I was looking at phones on Best Buy's website. I really, really liked one that was on sale for $19.99 (regular price of $39.99). I checked online and it was in stock at the local store and I was pretty stoked. But then I double checked and it turned out that the $19.99 price was a Black Friday deal and only good until midnight last night--which meant that by the time I made it to the store it was going to be full price. I was bummed.
And here's where the genius of Jerbs comes in. She looked at the website and pointed out that they do in store pick up for stuff you buy online, and that since the store had it in stock we'd be able to pick it up the next day. So we bought the phone online before the sale ended and chose store pick up. Jerbs was worried that they might not accept the giftcards for prepaid mobile but they did. The difference was like $1.88, so for about two dollars, I got a phone!
We went to pick it up this evening after Jerbs got off work and Theresa happened to be working, so we got to see her for a little while. She also sent us to one of her co-workers who does the mobile phone stuff, and this girl activated my phone for me and got me all set up. It was pretty awesome! I walked out of the store with my phone fully functional and super happy with the service we got.
All in all good times. I really love my new phone and I'm glad to have a working phone again. Like really, really glad.
I think that this was the best way to go. Right now I'm on the pay by day plan and once I get a job I'll switch to the monthly plan (unlimited talk, text, and data/web stuff for $50). I'm hoping that'll be able to happen soon! And I needed to get my own phone anyway. My old phone/number is the one that I got with Corey--so it's part of our shared plan. When I moved he let me stay on it and offered to keep paying for it on the condition that when it was time to renew the contract in March 2013, I'd get my own plan. So . . . it just happened a little earlier than expected.
When Jerbs and I cleaned her dining table off for Thanksgiving, she found two Best Buy giftcards for $10 each that she got last Christmas. She gave them to me because she doesn't shop at Best Buy and I was like cool, free twenty bucks!
Then we started discussing what to do about my phone problem and we decided the best thing was probably just to get me my own cell phone. Nothing fancy, just a prepaid no contract one. We looked at ones at WalMart and then it occurred to me that I could use the Best Buy giftcards for a new phone.
So last night I was looking at phones on Best Buy's website. I really, really liked one that was on sale for $19.99 (regular price of $39.99). I checked online and it was in stock at the local store and I was pretty stoked. But then I double checked and it turned out that the $19.99 price was a Black Friday deal and only good until midnight last night--which meant that by the time I made it to the store it was going to be full price. I was bummed.
And here's where the genius of Jerbs comes in. She looked at the website and pointed out that they do in store pick up for stuff you buy online, and that since the store had it in stock we'd be able to pick it up the next day. So we bought the phone online before the sale ended and chose store pick up. Jerbs was worried that they might not accept the giftcards for prepaid mobile but they did. The difference was like $1.88, so for about two dollars, I got a phone!
We went to pick it up this evening after Jerbs got off work and Theresa happened to be working, so we got to see her for a little while. She also sent us to one of her co-workers who does the mobile phone stuff, and this girl activated my phone for me and got me all set up. It was pretty awesome! I walked out of the store with my phone fully functional and super happy with the service we got.
All in all good times. I really love my new phone and I'm glad to have a working phone again. Like really, really glad.
I think that this was the best way to go. Right now I'm on the pay by day plan and once I get a job I'll switch to the monthly plan (unlimited talk, text, and data/web stuff for $50). I'm hoping that'll be able to happen soon! And I needed to get my own phone anyway. My old phone/number is the one that I got with Corey--so it's part of our shared plan. When I moved he let me stay on it and offered to keep paying for it on the condition that when it was time to renew the contract in March 2013, I'd get my own plan. So . . . it just happened a little earlier than expected.
Six Months & An Evaluation
Today it's been six months since Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married.
--------------------
I remember that moment very well. What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it. It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened. I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it. As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight. I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken. I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance. I felt so lost and so . . . out of place. The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing. I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me. I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before. Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there. The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
--------------------
Now it's been six months. Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.
There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long. For half of a year, I've been single. It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again. I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.
So six months in, how am I doing?
Surprisingly well. I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff. I thought I'd be a complete mess. I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.
But that hasn't been the case.
I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature. I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds. I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another. I've worked out. I've written two short stories. I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life. And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it. I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.
I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago. Mentally, I'm night and day. I am so much healthier now. SO much healthier. I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now. I'm just so much more at home in my own mind. I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years. It's amazing. And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that. Because what I have needed all along was just to get better. I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here. Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely. But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.
Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it. I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better. I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people. And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself. I really am.
The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be. But the thing is, I'm OK with that now. I feel like that's DOABLE. I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose. Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it. Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it. But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
--------------------
So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?
In short, I still love him. I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.
I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried. I still hope for that. I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does. And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
--------------------
At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.
--------------------
I remember that moment very well. What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it. It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened. I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it. As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight. I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken. I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance. I felt so lost and so . . . out of place. The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing. I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me. I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before. Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there. The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
--------------------
Now it's been six months. Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.
There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long. For half of a year, I've been single. It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again. I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.
So six months in, how am I doing?
Surprisingly well. I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff. I thought I'd be a complete mess. I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.
But that hasn't been the case.
I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature. I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds. I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another. I've worked out. I've written two short stories. I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life. And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it. I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.
I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago. Mentally, I'm night and day. I am so much healthier now. SO much healthier. I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now. I'm just so much more at home in my own mind. I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years. It's amazing. And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that. Because what I have needed all along was just to get better. I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here. Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely. But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.
Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it. I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better. I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people. And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself. I really am.
The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be. But the thing is, I'm OK with that now. I feel like that's DOABLE. I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose. Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it. Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it. But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
--------------------
So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?
In short, I still love him. I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.
I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried. I still hope for that. I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does. And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
--------------------
At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.
11.24.2012
Lately
I finally admitted defeat in the air bed battle. I deflated the bed and now I'm just sleeping on the floor on top of it. It's actually not too bad. I sleep for longer chunks of time because I don't wake up every 20 minutes needing to re-inflate the stupid thing, and it's kind of a relief to know I'm not bugging the neighbors with the sound of the inflating or anything. Most mornings I wake up when Jerbs leaves and I go in her bed for a few hours, which is always nice. At this point I'm just keeping my eyes out for a good deal on a mattress/box spring set.
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I've been having phone issues for about a week now. Like, my phone won't let me make calls (when I try it tells me calls aren't allowed from this line), it won't accept calls (when people call me they hear that this person is not currently accepting calls), and I can't send or receive texts. I have no clue what's going on but based on googling it could be my SIM card. This is especially annoying because in the past two weeks I've filled out a ton of job applications and if anyone tries to call the number I gave, they won't be able to reach me. Blech. Still not really sure what I'm going to do about this one. Probably just get a prepaid no contract phone to replace it.
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Adam, Jenny's best friend from college, was out visiting from Florida on Friday. He and Jenny spent the day together and then he spent the night in our living room. Well, I took Benji in the bedroom with me so that he wouldn't bother Adam, and he cuddled up and slept next to me on the floor. It was so sweet, and it made me think of how he used to sleep with me every single night. I love that little dog.
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I've been biting my nails again lately. I have no idea why, because I was doing so well not biting them. Weird. And a little disappointing.
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I have fallen in love with this long haired cat who's up for adoption at PetSmart. He's beautiful and if Jerbs weren't allergic he'd already be here with me, and his name would be Duke Orsino.
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Remember how I talked about missing the deadline for that short short story contest? I was really bummed about that but then I got an email from Writers Digest saying they extended the deadline til December 17th! That doesn't give me much time BUT I think I can come up with at least one entry for it--especially since that weird depressive funk is gone.
----------------------
Really, really hoping I start getting calls from jobs soon. I'm sick of being unemployed already and I'm ready to go back to work and make money. I'm already making plans for saving and whatnot and I'm excited to get started on those. All I want is to be able to support myself, really, so hopefully something comes through soon.
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I've been having phone issues for about a week now. Like, my phone won't let me make calls (when I try it tells me calls aren't allowed from this line), it won't accept calls (when people call me they hear that this person is not currently accepting calls), and I can't send or receive texts. I have no clue what's going on but based on googling it could be my SIM card. This is especially annoying because in the past two weeks I've filled out a ton of job applications and if anyone tries to call the number I gave, they won't be able to reach me. Blech. Still not really sure what I'm going to do about this one. Probably just get a prepaid no contract phone to replace it.
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Adam, Jenny's best friend from college, was out visiting from Florida on Friday. He and Jenny spent the day together and then he spent the night in our living room. Well, I took Benji in the bedroom with me so that he wouldn't bother Adam, and he cuddled up and slept next to me on the floor. It was so sweet, and it made me think of how he used to sleep with me every single night. I love that little dog.
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I've been biting my nails again lately. I have no idea why, because I was doing so well not biting them. Weird. And a little disappointing.
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I have fallen in love with this long haired cat who's up for adoption at PetSmart. He's beautiful and if Jerbs weren't allergic he'd already be here with me, and his name would be Duke Orsino.
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Remember how I talked about missing the deadline for that short short story contest? I was really bummed about that but then I got an email from Writers Digest saying they extended the deadline til December 17th! That doesn't give me much time BUT I think I can come up with at least one entry for it--especially since that weird depressive funk is gone.
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Really, really hoping I start getting calls from jobs soon. I'm sick of being unemployed already and I'm ready to go back to work and make money. I'm already making plans for saving and whatnot and I'm excited to get started on those. All I want is to be able to support myself, really, so hopefully something comes through soon.
11.22.2012
Thanksgiving With Jerbs
Today I spent Thanksgiving with Jerbs.
It was a beautiful, beautiful day out--sunny and warmish, with a few white clouds in the sky. Really just perfect weather.
We cooked beef stew in our slow cooker for our Thanksgiving dinner, since neither of us really wanted to invest in a turkey and it was just the two of us anyway. We took a walk through the woods, to the gas station for snacks and drinks, since it was open. We watched the rerun of the Macy's parade. We ate our stew and Jerbs made pumpkin bars for dessert.
All in all not a bad day.
I never, ever would have thought I'd spend another Thanksgiving with Jerbs. Last Thanksgiving, I wouldn't have pictured this as where I'd be a year later.
I thought I'd be a mess today. I really did. I was sure I wouldn't do well, thinking of . . . well, you know. And yeah, I've had a few bad moments where my mind has wandered to Corey and wondered what he's doing and if he's thinking of me, but I've actually done SO MUCH BETTER than I thought I'd do.
I'm amazed. Because really, I've just been . . . happy today.
I really.am.getting.better. I am so thankful for that. I'll probably write more about it later.
For now, I'm going to go play video games with Jerbs.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
It was a beautiful, beautiful day out--sunny and warmish, with a few white clouds in the sky. Really just perfect weather.
We cooked beef stew in our slow cooker for our Thanksgiving dinner, since neither of us really wanted to invest in a turkey and it was just the two of us anyway. We took a walk through the woods, to the gas station for snacks and drinks, since it was open. We watched the rerun of the Macy's parade. We ate our stew and Jerbs made pumpkin bars for dessert.
All in all not a bad day.
I never, ever would have thought I'd spend another Thanksgiving with Jerbs. Last Thanksgiving, I wouldn't have pictured this as where I'd be a year later.
I thought I'd be a mess today. I really did. I was sure I wouldn't do well, thinking of . . . well, you know. And yeah, I've had a few bad moments where my mind has wandered to Corey and wondered what he's doing and if he's thinking of me, but I've actually done SO MUCH BETTER than I thought I'd do.
I'm amazed. Because really, I've just been . . . happy today.
I really.am.getting.better. I am so thankful for that. I'll probably write more about it later.
For now, I'm going to go play video games with Jerbs.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Thankful Thursday: Miscellaneous
I'm thankful for psychiatric medication. I know that sounds like a bad joke this time of year but it's true. Without the medication I take, I would be exactly where I was 3 years ago, and even though my life is far, far from perfect, I know I'm better off now than I was then. And I'm not just thankful for the drugs. I'm also thankful that I live in a time and a place where there are people who can test for and diagnose what I have. I'm thankful that what I have has been extensively researched and therefore has a known treatment.
I'm thankful that even without insurance I have a family and friends who've all pitched in to get me the help I've needed.
I'm thankful for my education, and I wouldn't change it. I think education is always a good thing. And even though right now, no, I'm not using my degree in a particular job, I'm still glad to have it. And I have no doubt that once I'm back on my feet (and probably out of AZ) I'll be able to put it to very good use. Even if I spend the rest of my life in an unrelated career, I studied something I love, and I'm not sorry for that. Not in the least.
I'm thankful for Jerbs' cats, Irene and Ilya, and of course for Benji. They just make life better and I'm glad to have pets.
I'm thankful for the bus system. If I had a choice I'd have a car, no question, but if the bus system didn't exist I'd be screwed. And I really don't mind taking the bus. Sometimes it's inconvenient but still, better than some alternatives. And there are some really fantastic bus drivers we get to meet, and that makes it OK.
I'm thankful for the diversity of the people I know, both in real life and through blogging. I have friends who are Mormons and friends who are anarchists and friends who are Christians, I have married friends and single friends and widowed friends and divorced friends, I have friends who struggle with infertility and friends who have 5 kids, I have friends who are politically conservative and friends who are politically liberal, I have friends who are gay and straight and trans . . . and it amazes me. I'm grateful for all of the different views and ideas and lifestyles I've been exposed to through my friends. So whoever you're are, if you're reading this, keep doin' what you're doin', because you're awesome for it.
I'm thankful that even without insurance I have a family and friends who've all pitched in to get me the help I've needed.
I'm thankful for my education, and I wouldn't change it. I think education is always a good thing. And even though right now, no, I'm not using my degree in a particular job, I'm still glad to have it. And I have no doubt that once I'm back on my feet (and probably out of AZ) I'll be able to put it to very good use. Even if I spend the rest of my life in an unrelated career, I studied something I love, and I'm not sorry for that. Not in the least.
I'm thankful for Jerbs' cats, Irene and Ilya, and of course for Benji. They just make life better and I'm glad to have pets.
I'm thankful for the bus system. If I had a choice I'd have a car, no question, but if the bus system didn't exist I'd be screwed. And I really don't mind taking the bus. Sometimes it's inconvenient but still, better than some alternatives. And there are some really fantastic bus drivers we get to meet, and that makes it OK.
I'm thankful for the diversity of the people I know, both in real life and through blogging. I have friends who are Mormons and friends who are anarchists and friends who are Christians, I have married friends and single friends and widowed friends and divorced friends, I have friends who struggle with infertility and friends who have 5 kids, I have friends who are politically conservative and friends who are politically liberal, I have friends who are gay and straight and trans . . . and it amazes me. I'm grateful for all of the different views and ideas and lifestyles I've been exposed to through my friends. So whoever you're are, if you're reading this, keep doin' what you're doin', because you're awesome for it.
11.20.2012
Weigh In # 10
So basically I've still been sucking at the whole diet thing.
BUT I wanted to write this week because I'm feeling a lot better mentally and a lot more motivated to get back on track.
In fact, last night, I went and worked out! I sucked it up and bundled up and walked my ass to the workout room. I only did 20 minutes (and that was plenty) but . . . gotta start somewhere. As bad as it felt, it also felt good . . . that sounds completely illogical but it's actually not.
So here's to getting back on track. Thank God I'm finally getting to that point!
BUT I wanted to write this week because I'm feeling a lot better mentally and a lot more motivated to get back on track.
In fact, last night, I went and worked out! I sucked it up and bundled up and walked my ass to the workout room. I only did 20 minutes (and that was plenty) but . . . gotta start somewhere. As bad as it felt, it also felt good . . . that sounds completely illogical but it's actually not.
So here's to getting back on track. Thank God I'm finally getting to that point!
11.18.2012
Sentimental Sunday: Dumb Stuff My Mom Has Said
I love my mom. I really do. I love her to bits and pieces and I think she's amazing.
BUT my mom is one of those people who occasionally speaks without thinking, which means that over the years she's said some things that sound pretty . . . well, dumb. And we like to give her crap for it. Because what kind of family wouldn't?
For the record, the teasing is always good natured, and my mom laughs at herself right along with us. Plus, this is a trait she definitely passed on to me . . . lucky for me, huh? I could probably write a book of all the dumb crap I've said.
But my favorite Mom ones are just enough for a blog post.
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Once, in high school, she picked me and a classmate up from marching band practice. It was dark out and as we were driving my classmate home, my mom suddenly says, "Y'know, if it were daytime, I could see a lot better." There was a moment of silence, and then my mom started laughing because she realized what she'd said.
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One summer my mom took my sisters and I to the mall in Laughlin to shop for school clothes. Since it's Laughlin, the main part of the mall parking lot is lined with palm trees, and almost every parking space is under one. Apparently my mom didn't notice when we drove in, because as we parked, she said, "Girls, remember, we parked under a palm tree."
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Once we were playing Scene It, and the game was where there were two pictures and you had to guess a movie title based on the pictures. This particular one had a picture of the solar system, and then a traffic jam. The answer was Space Jam, and while we were all thinking about, my mom suddenly blurted out, "PLANET TRAFFIC?" Cuz y'know . . . planet traffic is totally a movie. It was hilarious.
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This one is probably my favorite. When I was 16, my parents bought me a car. Nothing fancy, just a 1984 Chevy Cavalier that they bought off a friend for $250. (I LOVED that car). Well, when we first got it, the power steering wasn't working well, and since I only had my permit, my parents were iffy about letting me drive it. One night I convinced my mom to let me drive, and we went to Sonic, because we could get there on the back roads. My mom drove there but said I could drive back. After we'd ordered ice cream and were ready to leave, we switched seats. I went to adjust the rear view mirror, and . . . it came off the windshield. Like, just snapped off. It was so random. And I gasped, and my mom, who had been watching the whole thing, asked what happened. I said, "It came off!" When I said that, I was holding the mirror in my hand. My mother's response? "Are you serious?"
BUT my mom is one of those people who occasionally speaks without thinking, which means that over the years she's said some things that sound pretty . . . well, dumb. And we like to give her crap for it. Because what kind of family wouldn't?
For the record, the teasing is always good natured, and my mom laughs at herself right along with us. Plus, this is a trait she definitely passed on to me . . . lucky for me, huh? I could probably write a book of all the dumb crap I've said.
But my favorite Mom ones are just enough for a blog post.
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Once, in high school, she picked me and a classmate up from marching band practice. It was dark out and as we were driving my classmate home, my mom suddenly says, "Y'know, if it were daytime, I could see a lot better." There was a moment of silence, and then my mom started laughing because she realized what she'd said.
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One summer my mom took my sisters and I to the mall in Laughlin to shop for school clothes. Since it's Laughlin, the main part of the mall parking lot is lined with palm trees, and almost every parking space is under one. Apparently my mom didn't notice when we drove in, because as we parked, she said, "Girls, remember, we parked under a palm tree."
----------------
Once we were playing Scene It, and the game was where there were two pictures and you had to guess a movie title based on the pictures. This particular one had a picture of the solar system, and then a traffic jam. The answer was Space Jam, and while we were all thinking about, my mom suddenly blurted out, "PLANET TRAFFIC?" Cuz y'know . . . planet traffic is totally a movie. It was hilarious.
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This one is probably my favorite. When I was 16, my parents bought me a car. Nothing fancy, just a 1984 Chevy Cavalier that they bought off a friend for $250. (I LOVED that car). Well, when we first got it, the power steering wasn't working well, and since I only had my permit, my parents were iffy about letting me drive it. One night I convinced my mom to let me drive, and we went to Sonic, because we could get there on the back roads. My mom drove there but said I could drive back. After we'd ordered ice cream and were ready to leave, we switched seats. I went to adjust the rear view mirror, and . . . it came off the windshield. Like, just snapped off. It was so random. And I gasped, and my mom, who had been watching the whole thing, asked what happened. I said, "It came off!" When I said that, I was holding the mirror in my hand. My mother's response? "Are you serious?"
11.17.2012
Why Yes, We Did Grow Up in the '90's, How Did You Know?
Tonight Jerbs and I went to the mall. Our mall has a bunch of TV's in the food court that play music videos, and one of those systems where you can text request music videos. In our opinion, it makes the mall a lot better. Right now they're doing a promo thing for the group One Direction, so their songs/videos are getting a lot of play. It makes us feel old.
So anyway, tonight I learned that Jerbs actually knows who all the One Direction guys are (courtesy of a co-worker who's a fan), and it was pretty entertaining. As we're watching one of their videos, Jerbs called one of them Fetus Spice (because they're so young) and that led to us giving each of them a spice name. Because honestly, we're old and can't tell them apart by name, and also, we are children of the '90's.
Jerbs was looking at their Wikis on her phone while we were at the mall and she said, "Hey, Leprechaun Spice likes Bon Jovi." Weirdest sentence ever. I laughed so hard I cried.
So yep, this is what Jerbs and I do on Saturday nights. I love it. And really, the bulk of our relationship is built on our ability to make each other laugh and make fun of people.
So anyway, tonight I learned that Jerbs actually knows who all the One Direction guys are (courtesy of a co-worker who's a fan), and it was pretty entertaining. As we're watching one of their videos, Jerbs called one of them Fetus Spice (because they're so young) and that led to us giving each of them a spice name. Because honestly, we're old and can't tell them apart by name, and also, we are children of the '90's.
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| This is Fluffy Spice, because of his hair. |
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| This is Leprechaun Spice, because he's Irish. |
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| This is Old Spice. Because he's 20. |
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| This is Troubled Spice because he looks kinda moody. |
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| This is Muslim Spice, because he's openly Muslim, which I think is awesome. |
So yep, this is what Jerbs and I do on Saturday nights. I love it. And really, the bulk of our relationship is built on our ability to make each other laugh and make fun of people.
Thankful Thursday . . . or Saturday: Jerbs
I know it's Saturday. I wasn't in a blogging mood on Thursday. Or at least not in a blogging about good things mood.
Today I'm thankful for Jerbs. She is pretty much the most amazing person I know, and I don't know what I'd do without her. She's my roommate and my best friend AND my ex girlfriend, which I know is kinda weird . . . but somehow we're able to have a fantastic relationship even as exes.
We've known each other for 15 years now, because we had mutual friends in junior high. Honestly, if you met her and me separately, you'd probably never, ever, ever imagine us as good friends, because in a lot of ways we're night and day, but somehow we work. We hung out a lot in high school, and near the end of our senior year we started becoming close friends. Fall of 2003 I went to NAU and she stayed in Kingman; then spring 2004 she went to NAU and I moved back to Kingman. Summer of 2004 was when we kinda sorta started dating. It was the fall of 2004 that we became roommates at NAU and started seeing each other more officially. We broke up in June of 2009 and continued to live together until I moved away with Corey.
Those are the basics. But really . . . she's awesome.
She's a genius. Like actually, really, seriously a genius. She knows pretty much everything and I hate watching Jeopardy with her, because she'll say the answer while I'm still reading the question. Her fields are anthropology and theology.
Kind of a goth.
Least athletic person you'll ever meet. Both as far as being an athlete and watching athletics. I'm a football girl, and when I told her the season was starting in September, she asked what teams were playing that week. I was like . . . all of them? And she was totally confused because she thought only two teams played a week. Hilarious.
Had no idea the Sound of Music involved Nazis until pretty recently. Another hilarious conversation in which I actually knew more than she did.
She is incredibly supportive of me, and even before we were lovahs, I always felt like she . . . I don't know, like she liked me. She has always seemed to think that I am a good person, even if I don't agree with her. She also has never made me feel judged. Even when I'm talking about how crappy things are or something I want to do that I'm struggling with or making decisions that might not be the best, she just listens. I have never once felt like she was judging me at all.
She is very generous and has supported me financially when I haven't been able to support myself, and that amazes me. I love her dearly for that, and I swear, one day, I am going to pay her back every.single.penny. Even if it takes me a while, I'm determined to do so.
She's my RENT buddy. We saw RENT together in high school in Las Vegas (on a school trip) and then again at Gammage in 2009. The 2009 tour had the two main characters being played by the role originators, and it was AMAZING.
She loves to sing, just like I do, even though neither of us is particularly awesome at it. All the years we lived together and had a car, we'd sing musicals together while we drove. And we had our own parts in each musical, too . . . totally one of the things I miss most about having a car.
Animal lover. She always insisted she was a dog person, but now she owns (and dotes on) two cats. They're Russian Blues, because Jerbs is actually allergic to cats. RB's are a hypoallergenic breed and in the almost three years since we adopted the first one (she was supposed to be my cat, but she chose Jerbs) she hasn't had any kind of reaction. It's amazing. I knew she was a cat person deep down.
Because of her I've been to 2 Morrissey concerts (Pasadena and Vegas, and in Vegas we were in the pit) and a Sisters of Mercy concert. The Sisters of Mercy one was especially amusing, because they're a goth metal band and I . . . am not a goth metal person. All the other people there were wearing Doc Martens that had like a million laces, and it was hilarious to watch them undo them all for security screenings. Meanwhile I just slipped out of my little brown loafers! I was also wearing pink socks and a bright Dr. Pepper T shirt and I was SO out of place. Jerbs braved the very violent mosh pit for the whoooooole concert. I lasted approximately 2 minutes and then spent the rest of the night sitting by the wall. It was ridiculous, but I seriously had never seen Jerbs so excited about anything, and it made me really happy.
Austin calls her Auntie Jerbs and he loves her.
We've watched a lot of TV shows together. Some are total guilty pleasures--like America's Next Top Model (we were so addicted in college) and Toddlers and Tiaras. Some are more normal, like Taboo and LOST.
We've been to Comic Con together! It was a long time ago (2004) and sadly we haven't been able to go back since. It was a 24 hour trip (which meant me driving from CA to AZ on zero sleep). We drove 6 hours there, spent 12 hours in San Diego, and drove 6 hours back. It was beyond exhausting but we had so much fun! We would love to go back. Soon.
At that Comic Con, our favorite author (or one of them), Neil Gaiman, was there. And because of the volume of people to see him, only people who won arm bands got to actually get stuff signed by him. I got a band and Jerbs didn't and I felt awful, because she'd been a fan longer and had introduced me to his work and stuff . . . but she wouldn't let me give her the band. I met Neil and got some stuff signed and chatted with him, and it was awesome. (I did get something signed for Jerbs).
Fortunately, in November 2008, the day after Austin was born, Neil did a signing/reading in Vegas and we got to go to that. This time, Jerbs did get to talk to Neil, and they had a good conversation. I felt like it made up for Comic Con a little.
She has literally saved my life. She has literally taken away the bottle of pills I wanted to swallow or the knife I was going to slit my wrists with. I'm not proud of having come so close to attempting suicide but I'm glad she was there to stop me.
There's more I 'm sure but I can't think of it all right now. Let's just say I really love Jerbs and would be totally lost without her. Especially right now.
And no, her name is not actually Jerbs. It's Jenny, Jerbs is just a random nickname I gave her. And there is a semi logical path to it. Plus it makes it easy to distinguish her from my sister Jenny when I talk about them.
Today I'm thankful for Jerbs. She is pretty much the most amazing person I know, and I don't know what I'd do without her. She's my roommate and my best friend AND my ex girlfriend, which I know is kinda weird . . . but somehow we're able to have a fantastic relationship even as exes.
We've known each other for 15 years now, because we had mutual friends in junior high. Honestly, if you met her and me separately, you'd probably never, ever, ever imagine us as good friends, because in a lot of ways we're night and day, but somehow we work. We hung out a lot in high school, and near the end of our senior year we started becoming close friends. Fall of 2003 I went to NAU and she stayed in Kingman; then spring 2004 she went to NAU and I moved back to Kingman. Summer of 2004 was when we kinda sorta started dating. It was the fall of 2004 that we became roommates at NAU and started seeing each other more officially. We broke up in June of 2009 and continued to live together until I moved away with Corey.
Those are the basics. But really . . . she's awesome.
She's a genius. Like actually, really, seriously a genius. She knows pretty much everything and I hate watching Jeopardy with her, because she'll say the answer while I'm still reading the question. Her fields are anthropology and theology.
Kind of a goth.
Least athletic person you'll ever meet. Both as far as being an athlete and watching athletics. I'm a football girl, and when I told her the season was starting in September, she asked what teams were playing that week. I was like . . . all of them? And she was totally confused because she thought only two teams played a week. Hilarious.
Had no idea the Sound of Music involved Nazis until pretty recently. Another hilarious conversation in which I actually knew more than she did.
She is incredibly supportive of me, and even before we were lovahs, I always felt like she . . . I don't know, like she liked me. She has always seemed to think that I am a good person, even if I don't agree with her. She also has never made me feel judged. Even when I'm talking about how crappy things are or something I want to do that I'm struggling with or making decisions that might not be the best, she just listens. I have never once felt like she was judging me at all.
She is very generous and has supported me financially when I haven't been able to support myself, and that amazes me. I love her dearly for that, and I swear, one day, I am going to pay her back every.single.penny. Even if it takes me a while, I'm determined to do so.
She's my RENT buddy. We saw RENT together in high school in Las Vegas (on a school trip) and then again at Gammage in 2009. The 2009 tour had the two main characters being played by the role originators, and it was AMAZING.
She loves to sing, just like I do, even though neither of us is particularly awesome at it. All the years we lived together and had a car, we'd sing musicals together while we drove. And we had our own parts in each musical, too . . . totally one of the things I miss most about having a car.
Animal lover. She always insisted she was a dog person, but now she owns (and dotes on) two cats. They're Russian Blues, because Jerbs is actually allergic to cats. RB's are a hypoallergenic breed and in the almost three years since we adopted the first one (she was supposed to be my cat, but she chose Jerbs) she hasn't had any kind of reaction. It's amazing. I knew she was a cat person deep down.
Because of her I've been to 2 Morrissey concerts (Pasadena and Vegas, and in Vegas we were in the pit) and a Sisters of Mercy concert. The Sisters of Mercy one was especially amusing, because they're a goth metal band and I . . . am not a goth metal person. All the other people there were wearing Doc Martens that had like a million laces, and it was hilarious to watch them undo them all for security screenings. Meanwhile I just slipped out of my little brown loafers! I was also wearing pink socks and a bright Dr. Pepper T shirt and I was SO out of place. Jerbs braved the very violent mosh pit for the whoooooole concert. I lasted approximately 2 minutes and then spent the rest of the night sitting by the wall. It was ridiculous, but I seriously had never seen Jerbs so excited about anything, and it made me really happy.
Austin calls her Auntie Jerbs and he loves her.
We've watched a lot of TV shows together. Some are total guilty pleasures--like America's Next Top Model (we were so addicted in college) and Toddlers and Tiaras. Some are more normal, like Taboo and LOST.
We've been to Comic Con together! It was a long time ago (2004) and sadly we haven't been able to go back since. It was a 24 hour trip (which meant me driving from CA to AZ on zero sleep). We drove 6 hours there, spent 12 hours in San Diego, and drove 6 hours back. It was beyond exhausting but we had so much fun! We would love to go back. Soon.
At that Comic Con, our favorite author (or one of them), Neil Gaiman, was there. And because of the volume of people to see him, only people who won arm bands got to actually get stuff signed by him. I got a band and Jerbs didn't and I felt awful, because she'd been a fan longer and had introduced me to his work and stuff . . . but she wouldn't let me give her the band. I met Neil and got some stuff signed and chatted with him, and it was awesome. (I did get something signed for Jerbs).
Fortunately, in November 2008, the day after Austin was born, Neil did a signing/reading in Vegas and we got to go to that. This time, Jerbs did get to talk to Neil, and they had a good conversation. I felt like it made up for Comic Con a little.
She has literally saved my life. She has literally taken away the bottle of pills I wanted to swallow or the knife I was going to slit my wrists with. I'm not proud of having come so close to attempting suicide but I'm glad she was there to stop me.
There's more I 'm sure but I can't think of it all right now. Let's just say I really love Jerbs and would be totally lost without her. Especially right now.
And no, her name is not actually Jerbs. It's Jenny, Jerbs is just a random nickname I gave her. And there is a semi logical path to it. Plus it makes it easy to distinguish her from my sister Jenny when I talk about them.
11.15.2012
11.14.2012
Struggles and Stuff
I now know for sure that my full body soreness is just from my POS air bed. For the past few weeks Jerbs has been offering to let me have her bed for a night and I keep declining because . . . I don't really know. This morning I woke up as she was leaving, and I felt like crap. I was so sore, and I'd slept maybe 2 hours the whole night, so I figured, what the hell. I threw her blankets and pillows on my bed and moved mine over to hers, and I crashed. I crashed hard. I fell asleep basically as soon as I layed down and I didn't fully wake up until my alarm went off. When I got up my hips didn't hurt and my back didn't hurt . . . glorious.
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Remember how I was talking about feeling like a failure and now knowing how to get out of that feeling? Well, the thing is, I know what I need to do to fix it. I know what I need to do to fix myself. I have a whole list of self improvement goals right here on this blog. And at one point I was really determined to do all of those things. But I get to points where I feel so behind that there's really no point in trying to improve. What's the point of becoming the best version of myself now when I've already wasted so much of my life? I'm 27 years old and have really done nothing with my life, and honestly, the thought of trying now and being determined now just seems pathetic and stupid. I don't know how to shake that feeling of pointlessness in getting better. Hopefully this has something to do with my low Li levels.
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I got my Lithium today. Which is good.
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Tomorrow is the deadline to a short short story contest I'd been hoping to enter and unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish a writing project for it. I'm disappointed because I had a few good ideas in mind and this contest had a big prize but . . . oh well, I suppose.
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After I wrote out that entry about giving up as far as Ex-Fiance is concerned I got to thinking about the whole setting a deadline thing and I started to wonder if I was right. I know that I screwed up in our relationship too and I don't think his needing time/space is surprising or unreasonable. And maybe it's unfair of me to say, be better by this date or it's not happening at all. One of my goals was to let him get better while I did . . . and who am I to dictate how long that'll take?** At the same time, I'd feel totally differently if I'd had any indication of how he was doing during this time apart. As it is I stand by what I said. New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then the new year will be my new start. Then again, who knows? Maybe I'm not even going to give it til then.
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I think what I'm struggling with most is just that something that meant so much and was such a big part of my life could be . . . just nothing. Y'know? Like . . . I can't even really put into words how strongly I felt about him. And how much I really did believe that I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And I know Ex-Fiance felt that way too and it just kind of blows my mind that it went from that to nothing. And that eventually, he'll marry someone else and that'll be his real future, and that I'll end up . . . well, somewhere else at least. It kills me and it makes me wonder how we ever get over anything at all and what the point of love ever really is. I know that sounds jaded and more like a Taylor Swift song than something anybody actually thinks but . . . I kinda do. More than anything I realize now that I never, ever, ever want to put myself in a position where I can get hurt like this again. Ever. Which means that as much as I love the idea of soul mates and romance and true love, I'll probably spend the rest of my life single. And if I avoid this ever happening again it'll be worth it. Besides, I can't just turn strong feelings like that on and off and fall in and out of love; it's all too much for me, I think, so the dating scene really will never be my thing.
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**I know it always comes across like Ex-Fiance has all the power in this situation--like whatever happens between us is going to be at his say. And in a way right now that's true. But only because I feel like my cards have been on the table since the very beginning. I've made it clear since the break up happened that I want to get back together, whereas he's been the one who was unsure. (Well, not unsure, but you know what I mean).
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In a way I've started to feel like it never happened. And that's really disconcerting. In the time since I've been in Flag I've (obviously) thought a lot about Ex-Fiance, and usually the thoughts give me . . . well, feelings, I guess. Like remembering happy things either makes me happy or sad, flashing back to the breakup itself pisses me off, imagining him moving on with someone new makes me anxious. And now . . . now it feels like just nothing. Like when I think of him, whether it's about good or bad, I have no strong feelings either way. Just indifference. And granted I've been feeling pretty indifferent towards my whole life right now, so maybe that'll all dissipate once I'm re-medicated. But it's what I'm dealing with at the moment.
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Remember how I was talking about feeling like a failure and now knowing how to get out of that feeling? Well, the thing is, I know what I need to do to fix it. I know what I need to do to fix myself. I have a whole list of self improvement goals right here on this blog. And at one point I was really determined to do all of those things. But I get to points where I feel so behind that there's really no point in trying to improve. What's the point of becoming the best version of myself now when I've already wasted so much of my life? I'm 27 years old and have really done nothing with my life, and honestly, the thought of trying now and being determined now just seems pathetic and stupid. I don't know how to shake that feeling of pointlessness in getting better. Hopefully this has something to do with my low Li levels.
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I got my Lithium today. Which is good.
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Tomorrow is the deadline to a short short story contest I'd been hoping to enter and unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish a writing project for it. I'm disappointed because I had a few good ideas in mind and this contest had a big prize but . . . oh well, I suppose.
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After I wrote out that entry about giving up as far as Ex-Fiance is concerned I got to thinking about the whole setting a deadline thing and I started to wonder if I was right. I know that I screwed up in our relationship too and I don't think his needing time/space is surprising or unreasonable. And maybe it's unfair of me to say, be better by this date or it's not happening at all. One of my goals was to let him get better while I did . . . and who am I to dictate how long that'll take?** At the same time, I'd feel totally differently if I'd had any indication of how he was doing during this time apart. As it is I stand by what I said. New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then the new year will be my new start. Then again, who knows? Maybe I'm not even going to give it til then.
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I think what I'm struggling with most is just that something that meant so much and was such a big part of my life could be . . . just nothing. Y'know? Like . . . I can't even really put into words how strongly I felt about him. And how much I really did believe that I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And I know Ex-Fiance felt that way too and it just kind of blows my mind that it went from that to nothing. And that eventually, he'll marry someone else and that'll be his real future, and that I'll end up . . . well, somewhere else at least. It kills me and it makes me wonder how we ever get over anything at all and what the point of love ever really is. I know that sounds jaded and more like a Taylor Swift song than something anybody actually thinks but . . . I kinda do. More than anything I realize now that I never, ever, ever want to put myself in a position where I can get hurt like this again. Ever. Which means that as much as I love the idea of soul mates and romance and true love, I'll probably spend the rest of my life single. And if I avoid this ever happening again it'll be worth it. Besides, I can't just turn strong feelings like that on and off and fall in and out of love; it's all too much for me, I think, so the dating scene really will never be my thing.
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**I know it always comes across like Ex-Fiance has all the power in this situation--like whatever happens between us is going to be at his say. And in a way right now that's true. But only because I feel like my cards have been on the table since the very beginning. I've made it clear since the break up happened that I want to get back together, whereas he's been the one who was unsure. (Well, not unsure, but you know what I mean).
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In a way I've started to feel like it never happened. And that's really disconcerting. In the time since I've been in Flag I've (obviously) thought a lot about Ex-Fiance, and usually the thoughts give me . . . well, feelings, I guess. Like remembering happy things either makes me happy or sad, flashing back to the breakup itself pisses me off, imagining him moving on with someone new makes me anxious. And now . . . now it feels like just nothing. Like when I think of him, whether it's about good or bad, I have no strong feelings either way. Just indifference. And granted I've been feeling pretty indifferent towards my whole life right now, so maybe that'll all dissipate once I'm re-medicated. But it's what I'm dealing with at the moment.
I Finally Realized
This past Saturday, I was thinking about Ex-Fiance. And I had this moment where I was overwhelmed with hope. I suddenly had this strong feeling that things would happen soon. That we were going to start talking, that the conversation was going to happen, and that it wouldn't be much longer before it did. And that feeling made me happy.
Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.
It didn't bother me as much as you'd think. It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.
I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen. It can't. For a few reasons.
I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back. Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching. Whatever potential it might have had is gone now. There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.
I really did, and do, love him. For so many reasons. And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss. Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.
But he broke my heart. I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot. But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.
Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching? That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class? And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems? And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that. And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that. But holy hell I tried and tried and tried. And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled. I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.
He broke up with me on the last day of school. I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.
I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons. And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed. I've struggled. Life isn't particularly happy for me. I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.
I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here. And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life. Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman. I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager. I loved sharing that with him. I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie). I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.
And Ex-Fiance kept that life. While I'm up here struggling, he's happy. He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year. He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing). He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring. He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him. I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives. Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180. I truly hate that.
Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance. It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25). Plus I spent holidays with him. That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds. Especially Christmas. I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with. And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up. On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me. On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted. And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same. It makes me so sad. I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.
I have tried to be his friend. I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. But how fair is that? Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?
All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking. If only I knew how he really felt about me. But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need? Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels? I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.
Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things. Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future. What's done is done. I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.
I'm giving it until New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo. I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time. Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.
I'll be honest: if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me. Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).
Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.
It didn't bother me as much as you'd think. It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.
I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen. It can't. For a few reasons.
I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back. Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching. Whatever potential it might have had is gone now. There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.
I really did, and do, love him. For so many reasons. And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss. Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.
But he broke my heart. I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot. But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.
Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching? That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class? And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems? And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that. And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that. But holy hell I tried and tried and tried. And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled. I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.
He broke up with me on the last day of school. I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.
I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons. And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed. I've struggled. Life isn't particularly happy for me. I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.
I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here. And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life. Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman. I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager. I loved sharing that with him. I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie). I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.
And Ex-Fiance kept that life. While I'm up here struggling, he's happy. He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year. He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing). He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring. He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him. I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives. Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180. I truly hate that.
Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance. It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25). Plus I spent holidays with him. That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds. Especially Christmas. I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with. And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up. On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me. On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted. And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same. It makes me so sad. I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.
I have tried to be his friend. I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. But how fair is that? Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?
All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking. If only I knew how he really felt about me. But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need? Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels? I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.
Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things. Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future. What's done is done. I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.
I'm giving it until New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo. I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time. Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.
I'll be honest: if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me. Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).
Ups & Downs, Failure, and I Just Don't Care Anymore
I'm a mess right now.
I don't know what's going on. (Well, I know part of what's going on, which is that I'm out of Lithium and have been for a few days. Not my fault--initially it was a money thing and once I had the money, the pharmacy was all blah blah blah we need more time to fill it. Hopefully tomorrow).
I feel like a failure. I feel like I have failed at everything I've tried to do. I got a degree, and all I have to show for it is a shitload of student loan debt that I'll never be able to pay off. This December marks 5 years--half a decade--since I graduated college, and in the time since, I've worked as a retail slave and a receptionist. Beyond.not.worth.it. I've been talking about losing weight and getting in shape for years but I can't do it. Plain and simple, I can't.
My credit's shot and has been for a long time, and Corey didn't hesitate to point out that he was afraid to marry me because of it. My mental health is never going to be really stable because every time I start to get stable something goes wrong. I CANNOT AFFORD MEDICAL TREATMENT. Plain and simple, but does my doctor understand that? No. And why would he? He probably makes more a year than I have in my entire life. You'd think that when you pay someone as much as I've paid him you'd at least get a little understanding--because the reality is, I can't afford it. I can't afford $60 for medication and $125 for appointments and $180 for lab work, I just can't. Even when I was still at Hastings I couldn't afford it. So I'll do better for a month and then bam, I can't afford a refill, and it goes to shit. It pisses me off that doctors don't understand that financial problems are REAL. It pisses me off that I live in a state that says women are only worth helping if they've popped a kid out of their vagina. That's true, in AZ, you only qualify for state insurance if you have a child, which frankly is BS. And I know that to most women childbirth is a lot more than just popping the kid out--but the women I know who are on AHCCCS, for the most part, did just that. My drug addicted cousin developed a seizure disorder and had neurosurgery, courtesy of the state of AZ--just because she accidentally had a kid. A friend from HS literally does not know which of 3 men is the father of her child, but she gets free healthcare. Meanwhile, I'm intelligent, and educated, and driven, and not a slut, but I have to suffer. Bull.shit.
I'm scared, because I honestly don't know what my future is. Will I ever make enough money to support myself? Will I ever actually use my degree? Will I ever get out of debt?
I'm sick of everything. I have no drive left. I can barely get out of bed lately. Showering is a chore. My laundry's not done, and I've stopped caring that I only own one pair of pants. I'm sick of feeling guilty over everything that's happened between me and Jerbs. I'm sick of eye strain headaches that come from needing glasses but not having the money to go to an eye doctor. I'm sick of tooth pain, but I definitely can't afford a dentist. I'm sick of waking up on a deflated air mattress with every muscle in my body screaming. I'm sick of thinking about how Corey is back in MY hometown thriving doing things that made ME happy that were MINE first.
That life that I like to imagine where I'm happy and healthy and successful? Never going to happen. Just a fact. I'm apparently not destined for anything past this.
I'm angry at the people who put me here. I don't talk about it on here, and I probably never will in detail, but the reason I'm mentally ill goes back to when I was a very small child, when two people who my parents trusted with my well being chose to act on their own disgusting, selfish desires instead of my well being. My life ended the second they did that. Once those things happened, I never had a chance at a normal life. Ever.
And I'm angry with Corey, for making believe it could be better--that I could be better--and then breaking my heart instead. For making me think that love actually did exist and that I was worthy of it, and then sending me back to the same place I was before, so that HE could be happy.
I haven't wanted to kill myself in a long time--or at least, I haven't seen suicide as a viable option for a long time. And I still don't. I don't want to die. But I don't want to live this life, and I feel completely powerless to change it.
(I'm struggling to stay optimistic even with all the BS . . . I really am. I just needed to vent before I exploded. Besides, once I have my prescription for a few days this might all just be for nothing).
I don't know what's going on. (Well, I know part of what's going on, which is that I'm out of Lithium and have been for a few days. Not my fault--initially it was a money thing and once I had the money, the pharmacy was all blah blah blah we need more time to fill it. Hopefully tomorrow).
I feel like a failure. I feel like I have failed at everything I've tried to do. I got a degree, and all I have to show for it is a shitload of student loan debt that I'll never be able to pay off. This December marks 5 years--half a decade--since I graduated college, and in the time since, I've worked as a retail slave and a receptionist. Beyond.not.worth.it. I've been talking about losing weight and getting in shape for years but I can't do it. Plain and simple, I can't.
My credit's shot and has been for a long time, and Corey didn't hesitate to point out that he was afraid to marry me because of it. My mental health is never going to be really stable because every time I start to get stable something goes wrong. I CANNOT AFFORD MEDICAL TREATMENT. Plain and simple, but does my doctor understand that? No. And why would he? He probably makes more a year than I have in my entire life. You'd think that when you pay someone as much as I've paid him you'd at least get a little understanding--because the reality is, I can't afford it. I can't afford $60 for medication and $125 for appointments and $180 for lab work, I just can't. Even when I was still at Hastings I couldn't afford it. So I'll do better for a month and then bam, I can't afford a refill, and it goes to shit. It pisses me off that doctors don't understand that financial problems are REAL. It pisses me off that I live in a state that says women are only worth helping if they've popped a kid out of their vagina. That's true, in AZ, you only qualify for state insurance if you have a child, which frankly is BS. And I know that to most women childbirth is a lot more than just popping the kid out--but the women I know who are on AHCCCS, for the most part, did just that. My drug addicted cousin developed a seizure disorder and had neurosurgery, courtesy of the state of AZ--just because she accidentally had a kid. A friend from HS literally does not know which of 3 men is the father of her child, but she gets free healthcare. Meanwhile, I'm intelligent, and educated, and driven, and not a slut, but I have to suffer. Bull.shit.
I'm scared, because I honestly don't know what my future is. Will I ever make enough money to support myself? Will I ever actually use my degree? Will I ever get out of debt?
I'm sick of everything. I have no drive left. I can barely get out of bed lately. Showering is a chore. My laundry's not done, and I've stopped caring that I only own one pair of pants. I'm sick of feeling guilty over everything that's happened between me and Jerbs. I'm sick of eye strain headaches that come from needing glasses but not having the money to go to an eye doctor. I'm sick of tooth pain, but I definitely can't afford a dentist. I'm sick of waking up on a deflated air mattress with every muscle in my body screaming. I'm sick of thinking about how Corey is back in MY hometown thriving doing things that made ME happy that were MINE first.
That life that I like to imagine where I'm happy and healthy and successful? Never going to happen. Just a fact. I'm apparently not destined for anything past this.
I'm angry at the people who put me here. I don't talk about it on here, and I probably never will in detail, but the reason I'm mentally ill goes back to when I was a very small child, when two people who my parents trusted with my well being chose to act on their own disgusting, selfish desires instead of my well being. My life ended the second they did that. Once those things happened, I never had a chance at a normal life. Ever.
And I'm angry with Corey, for making believe it could be better--that I could be better--and then breaking my heart instead. For making me think that love actually did exist and that I was worthy of it, and then sending me back to the same place I was before, so that HE could be happy.
I haven't wanted to kill myself in a long time--or at least, I haven't seen suicide as a viable option for a long time. And I still don't. I don't want to die. But I don't want to live this life, and I feel completely powerless to change it.
(I'm struggling to stay optimistic even with all the BS . . . I really am. I just needed to vent before I exploded. Besides, once I have my prescription for a few days this might all just be for nothing).
11.13.2012
This Pain is MY Pain
One of my biggest pet peeves is people who always tell you that it could be worse when you're not doing well.
I hate it even more when people go into specifics. When they say things like, "Well, at least you aren't [somewhere currently affected by a natural disaster] [suffering from some awful disease like so and so] [dealing with blah blah blah like so and so] [whatever other specific example you can think of]."
I know that sentiment is rarely, if ever, meant as an insult or a negative. I think generally when people say it they're trying to remind you to count your blessings. I respect that, and being reminded to be thankful isn't necessarily a bad thing. And yes, most of those examples are, objectively, worse than what I'm going through. Right now, I'm going through a break up, and yes, I'd rather be dealing with this than a natural disaster or a bad medical diagnosis or a lot of other things.
But that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. It doesn't mean that what I'm going through isn't the worst thing to me. It doesn't mean that whatever I'm going through is meaningless in comparison to what anyone else is going through. This is my obstacle right now, and it feels like hell.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to say that other peoples' pain doesn't matter or that I don't keep those I know who are dealing with some bad things in my thoughts and prayers. It does and I do. Absolutely.
I just don't like the concept of comparing grief and pain. It's not a contest. And honestly, if it was a contest, is it one you'd really want to win?
I think everyone has their own pain to deal with, whether it's something tremendous like losing parts of their lives to a natural disaster, or something not quite as tremendous as being dumped a month before your wedding. And I think we should respect one another's pain--respect the fact that it exists and is real to them, even if we can't see it. Does that make sense? Just because you think someone else might be hurting more, it doesn't mean that the person you're talking to isn't hurting.
When people confide in me about whatever it is they're going through, I never tell them it could be worse. I only tell them it'll get better, and that I'll listen if they need someone to talk to, and that if I can help them some other way, I will. If I catch myself thinking that they don't know crap about grief or pain based on what I've gone through myself, I tell myself to shut up. Because their pain is theirs and I don't know what it feels like to them.
I hate it even more when people go into specifics. When they say things like, "Well, at least you aren't [somewhere currently affected by a natural disaster] [suffering from some awful disease like so and so] [dealing with blah blah blah like so and so] [whatever other specific example you can think of]."
I know that sentiment is rarely, if ever, meant as an insult or a negative. I think generally when people say it they're trying to remind you to count your blessings. I respect that, and being reminded to be thankful isn't necessarily a bad thing. And yes, most of those examples are, objectively, worse than what I'm going through. Right now, I'm going through a break up, and yes, I'd rather be dealing with this than a natural disaster or a bad medical diagnosis or a lot of other things.
But that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. It doesn't mean that what I'm going through isn't the worst thing to me. It doesn't mean that whatever I'm going through is meaningless in comparison to what anyone else is going through. This is my obstacle right now, and it feels like hell.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to say that other peoples' pain doesn't matter or that I don't keep those I know who are dealing with some bad things in my thoughts and prayers. It does and I do. Absolutely.
I just don't like the concept of comparing grief and pain. It's not a contest. And honestly, if it was a contest, is it one you'd really want to win?
I think everyone has their own pain to deal with, whether it's something tremendous like losing parts of their lives to a natural disaster, or something not quite as tremendous as being dumped a month before your wedding. And I think we should respect one another's pain--respect the fact that it exists and is real to them, even if we can't see it. Does that make sense? Just because you think someone else might be hurting more, it doesn't mean that the person you're talking to isn't hurting.
When people confide in me about whatever it is they're going through, I never tell them it could be worse. I only tell them it'll get better, and that I'll listen if they need someone to talk to, and that if I can help them some other way, I will. If I catch myself thinking that they don't know crap about grief or pain based on what I've gone through myself, I tell myself to shut up. Because their pain is theirs and I don't know what it feels like to them.
11.12.2012
Loved and Lost
"Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."
That's been on my mind lately. Mostly because since the whole break up thing happened there have been people who said it to me and it always just kind of bugs me.
So I asked myself . . . if I could go back to a time before either of my serious relationships started and know how they'd end up before I got into them . . . would I do it again?
With Jerbs, I'm not sure. I loved her and our break up wasn't too over dramatic or anything. I mean, it wasn't a pleasant experience, but still. However, in the years since the break up I've felt a tremendous amount of guilt over her. I've felt guilty for not being with her after all she's done for me, and I feel guilty that she's still doing so much for me even though I've fallen in love with someone else and all that. So I'd only not date Jerbs in order to avoid the guilt. If I could go back and see how things turned out, I'd still do it, I'd probably just work harder to not become so dependent on her during the relationship. And I might insist we not live together after the break up.
With Ex-Fiance, there's no question: if I had known that things would turn out this way, I'd choose to never meet him. I'd rather have never known him at all than be going through this now. Yes, love is wonderful and all that, but in my opinion, not worth this. Not in the least.
And it's not even really because of not having him. As much as I love Ex-Fiance, I'm pretty sure I can adjust to life without him in it. What's hard to live with is the intense sense of worthlessness I got out of this whole thing. When Ex-Fiance broke up with me I felt completely worthless. I was so distraught that someone could tell me that I meant so much, that I was worth so much, that he loved me so much, that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. He promised to always love me, and I believed him--I believed him 100%. And for him to be able to just walk away from all that is mind blowing to me. Nothing--NOTHING--has ever hurt my self esteem so much. And I know that I contributed to the break up to, but the . . . I don't know, the coldness of it on his part was hurtful.
It seems that people get engaged left and right anymore. I know tons of people from college who have gotten engaged and broken up like it was nothing, and I hate that. When I got engaged, I meant it. I wasn't agreeing to an engagement and a shiny ring--I was agreeing to a marriage and a life long commitment. And there have been people who have acted like I was an idiot for ever believing in it at all, which is just sad. He asked me to marry him; I thought he meant it. I honestly believed that that relationship was it for me. And going from that to this just sucks.
I hate how I went from being sure of something to being sure of nothing. I don't like where I am right now; I don't like being back to wondering where my life is going. Sure, a marriage was going to be just one part of my life, but it was nice to have something to be sure about.
So even though I still love Ex-Fiance, I'd choose not meeting him over this any.day.of.the.week. The end.
That's been on my mind lately. Mostly because since the whole break up thing happened there have been people who said it to me and it always just kind of bugs me.
So I asked myself . . . if I could go back to a time before either of my serious relationships started and know how they'd end up before I got into them . . . would I do it again?
With Jerbs, I'm not sure. I loved her and our break up wasn't too over dramatic or anything. I mean, it wasn't a pleasant experience, but still. However, in the years since the break up I've felt a tremendous amount of guilt over her. I've felt guilty for not being with her after all she's done for me, and I feel guilty that she's still doing so much for me even though I've fallen in love with someone else and all that. So I'd only not date Jerbs in order to avoid the guilt. If I could go back and see how things turned out, I'd still do it, I'd probably just work harder to not become so dependent on her during the relationship. And I might insist we not live together after the break up.
With Ex-Fiance, there's no question: if I had known that things would turn out this way, I'd choose to never meet him. I'd rather have never known him at all than be going through this now. Yes, love is wonderful and all that, but in my opinion, not worth this. Not in the least.
And it's not even really because of not having him. As much as I love Ex-Fiance, I'm pretty sure I can adjust to life without him in it. What's hard to live with is the intense sense of worthlessness I got out of this whole thing. When Ex-Fiance broke up with me I felt completely worthless. I was so distraught that someone could tell me that I meant so much, that I was worth so much, that he loved me so much, that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. He promised to always love me, and I believed him--I believed him 100%. And for him to be able to just walk away from all that is mind blowing to me. Nothing--NOTHING--has ever hurt my self esteem so much. And I know that I contributed to the break up to, but the . . . I don't know, the coldness of it on his part was hurtful.
It seems that people get engaged left and right anymore. I know tons of people from college who have gotten engaged and broken up like it was nothing, and I hate that. When I got engaged, I meant it. I wasn't agreeing to an engagement and a shiny ring--I was agreeing to a marriage and a life long commitment. And there have been people who have acted like I was an idiot for ever believing in it at all, which is just sad. He asked me to marry him; I thought he meant it. I honestly believed that that relationship was it for me. And going from that to this just sucks.
I hate how I went from being sure of something to being sure of nothing. I don't like where I am right now; I don't like being back to wondering where my life is going. Sure, a marriage was going to be just one part of my life, but it was nice to have something to be sure about.
So even though I still love Ex-Fiance, I'd choose not meeting him over this any.day.of.the.week. The end.
11.11.2012
I Wish . . .
A blogger I follow was doing a kind of make a wish thing since it's 11-11.* I thought I'd follow suit, because I love making wishes!**
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I wish for happiness and contentment within my own life.
I wish for another chance with Corey, or for the ability to put him behind me and move on.
I wish for the inspiration to keep writing and to finish my grad school application.
I wish for a happy holiday season for myself and my loved ones and for everyone else out there.
I wish to be at peace with myself: with my past, with my present, with my situation.
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*Yes, I know it's also Veteran's Day. I have mixed feelings about Veteran's Day--or more specifically, how people react to it. But I will say that while I oppose the wars we are currently in, I do respect and support the troops who are fighting them, and I know that their sacrifices are tremendous.
**I also know that just wishing for things isn't going to make them happen, and that if I want any of the things on that list, I have to work for them. But I also feel like putting those wishes out there into the universe never hurts.
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I wish for happiness and contentment within my own life.
I wish for another chance with Corey, or for the ability to put him behind me and move on.
I wish for the inspiration to keep writing and to finish my grad school application.
I wish for a happy holiday season for myself and my loved ones and for everyone else out there.
I wish to be at peace with myself: with my past, with my present, with my situation.
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*Yes, I know it's also Veteran's Day. I have mixed feelings about Veteran's Day--or more specifically, how people react to it. But I will say that while I oppose the wars we are currently in, I do respect and support the troops who are fighting them, and I know that their sacrifices are tremendous.
**I also know that just wishing for things isn't going to make them happen, and that if I want any of the things on that list, I have to work for them. But I also feel like putting those wishes out there into the universe never hurts.
Sentimental Sunday: Little Fuzzies
I love animals. And growing up, we always had pets. We had "normal" pets like cats and dogs, but we also had hamsters, rats, mice, guinea pigs, and rabbits. Not necessarily all at the same time, obviously, but I've owned each of those animals.
When Jerbs and I moved in together (in our dorm room) she mentioned she'd never had a little fuzzy animal, but had always wanted one. Eventually we decided we were going to get a hamster because they were easy to smuggle into the dorm room and . . . y'know, why not? So in the years we lived together we had a number of small animals.
Chuu
Chuu was our first hamster, and he was a panda bear. We got him through our friend Betsy, whose panda bear hamster, Mushu, had had babies with another friend's hamster. Betsy was trying to find a home for Chuu when his older brother Totoro started beating up on him pretty badly, so she gave us Chuu and his cage and food and some bedding for like $15. Chuu's full name was Chuuregard, because we just thought it sounded funny. And his full full name was Chuuregard Nathaniel Bastian Tomko Giffin Weed. He lived with us from January of 2006 until he died in June of 2008. He's buried in Kingman, in Jerbs' mom's rose garden (we take our pets seriously). He was a great little hammy. Once he escaped from his run around ball in our dorm room and we had to cut a hole in the closet floor to get him out . . . fun stuff. That story could be a sentimental Sunday in and of itself.
Pye
Our second hamster. She was a golden bear with grey ears, and she was incredibly fluffy. She was bigger than Chuu and looked more like a hamster (Chuu was pointy like a rat). She was a good hand hamster and she used to sit flat on her butt on your hand and clean her feet. Her full name was Pye Olympia Giffin Weed. We had her from March of 2006 until April of 2008, when she died of URI. We actually took her to the vet and got medicine for her for it, but it didn't work. She's buried beside Chuu.
Davidbowie
Our third hamster. She was a dwarf hamster with a BIG attitude. If you tried to touch her sometimes she'd act like she was boxing, and it was adorable. When I was living with Theresa, Theresa's dog, Riley, almost ate her. Like Davidbowie actually went in the dog's mouth. It was horrifying. Later when Davidbowie lived at Jerbs' parents' house in Kingman, she was in her run around ball once (and it's a small ball) and Olaf, their big dog, picked it up thinking it was a toy. We had Davidbowie from . . . I think about May of 2006 until July or August of 2009. She's buried next to Pye and Chuu.
Brannigan and Ratigan
Two separate animals, but they were brothers to a fault, so it feels wrong to separate them. Brannigan and Ratigan were rats. Brannigan was a white and gold rat, and Ratigan was dark brown. Brannigan had a sweet tooth and liked to eat ice cream. He was the less smart of the two of them. Ratigan loved potato chips. They lived in a little split level cage with a hammock in it. They were still around when Corey and I met, and one night when he was vacuuming, he put the hose up to their cage and vacuumed their noses. They loved it, it was too funny. We got them in July of 2008. Ratigan passed away first, in November of 2010 (I was in Chinle for Thanksgiving when it happened) and Brannigan died a few months later, probably in March of 2011. They're buried together, in the same coffin, in the rose garden near the hamsters.
Sable and Allegro
Our girl rats. Allegro was albino, and oddly enough, she passed away only a few weeks after we got her. We still don't know why. Sable lived much longer, but she was a very aggressive rat, so we didn't hold her much. But Irene, Jerbs' cat, seemed to really like her, and she used to sit by her cage and they'd "talk." It was very sweet. We had Sable from . . . I don't know, February of 2009 until September of 2010. When she died, we added Sable to Irene's name. Allegro and Sable are buried next to each other at my dad's house.
Sting
Our second dwarf hamster. We got him in October 2009. He was a sweet little dude, and he was a really cool shade of grey. Corey had never held a dwarf hamster until he met Sting, and he was really fascinated by him, it was funny. Irene was fascinated by Sting and one time, she fell into his cage. I found him hiding in my laundry, while Irene sat in his cage totally fine. It was weird. In January of 2011, Irene knocked over his cage while we were out and, I'm assuming, chased him to play with him. He didn't survive it, sadly. I believe he's also in Jerbs' mom's rose garden.
So that's it, all of our little fuzzies. After Sting died Jerbs and I decided not to adopt any more pets together, since I was getting ready to move out with Corey and all. I know it might be silly to some people to remember our pets the way we do, but we really did love them, and they really did make our lives better while they were around. I won't lie, I think they're all hanging out together in animal heaven.
When Jerbs and I moved in together (in our dorm room) she mentioned she'd never had a little fuzzy animal, but had always wanted one. Eventually we decided we were going to get a hamster because they were easy to smuggle into the dorm room and . . . y'know, why not? So in the years we lived together we had a number of small animals.
Chuu
Chuu was our first hamster, and he was a panda bear. We got him through our friend Betsy, whose panda bear hamster, Mushu, had had babies with another friend's hamster. Betsy was trying to find a home for Chuu when his older brother Totoro started beating up on him pretty badly, so she gave us Chuu and his cage and food and some bedding for like $15. Chuu's full name was Chuuregard, because we just thought it sounded funny. And his full full name was Chuuregard Nathaniel Bastian Tomko Giffin Weed. He lived with us from January of 2006 until he died in June of 2008. He's buried in Kingman, in Jerbs' mom's rose garden (we take our pets seriously). He was a great little hammy. Once he escaped from his run around ball in our dorm room and we had to cut a hole in the closet floor to get him out . . . fun stuff. That story could be a sentimental Sunday in and of itself.
Pye
Our second hamster. She was a golden bear with grey ears, and she was incredibly fluffy. She was bigger than Chuu and looked more like a hamster (Chuu was pointy like a rat). She was a good hand hamster and she used to sit flat on her butt on your hand and clean her feet. Her full name was Pye Olympia Giffin Weed. We had her from March of 2006 until April of 2008, when she died of URI. We actually took her to the vet and got medicine for her for it, but it didn't work. She's buried beside Chuu.
Davidbowie
Our third hamster. She was a dwarf hamster with a BIG attitude. If you tried to touch her sometimes she'd act like she was boxing, and it was adorable. When I was living with Theresa, Theresa's dog, Riley, almost ate her. Like Davidbowie actually went in the dog's mouth. It was horrifying. Later when Davidbowie lived at Jerbs' parents' house in Kingman, she was in her run around ball once (and it's a small ball) and Olaf, their big dog, picked it up thinking it was a toy. We had Davidbowie from . . . I think about May of 2006 until July or August of 2009. She's buried next to Pye and Chuu.
Brannigan and Ratigan
Two separate animals, but they were brothers to a fault, so it feels wrong to separate them. Brannigan and Ratigan were rats. Brannigan was a white and gold rat, and Ratigan was dark brown. Brannigan had a sweet tooth and liked to eat ice cream. He was the less smart of the two of them. Ratigan loved potato chips. They lived in a little split level cage with a hammock in it. They were still around when Corey and I met, and one night when he was vacuuming, he put the hose up to their cage and vacuumed their noses. They loved it, it was too funny. We got them in July of 2008. Ratigan passed away first, in November of 2010 (I was in Chinle for Thanksgiving when it happened) and Brannigan died a few months later, probably in March of 2011. They're buried together, in the same coffin, in the rose garden near the hamsters.
Sable and Allegro
Our girl rats. Allegro was albino, and oddly enough, she passed away only a few weeks after we got her. We still don't know why. Sable lived much longer, but she was a very aggressive rat, so we didn't hold her much. But Irene, Jerbs' cat, seemed to really like her, and she used to sit by her cage and they'd "talk." It was very sweet. We had Sable from . . . I don't know, February of 2009 until September of 2010. When she died, we added Sable to Irene's name. Allegro and Sable are buried next to each other at my dad's house.
Sting
Our second dwarf hamster. We got him in October 2009. He was a sweet little dude, and he was a really cool shade of grey. Corey had never held a dwarf hamster until he met Sting, and he was really fascinated by him, it was funny. Irene was fascinated by Sting and one time, she fell into his cage. I found him hiding in my laundry, while Irene sat in his cage totally fine. It was weird. In January of 2011, Irene knocked over his cage while we were out and, I'm assuming, chased him to play with him. He didn't survive it, sadly. I believe he's also in Jerbs' mom's rose garden.
So that's it, all of our little fuzzies. After Sting died Jerbs and I decided not to adopt any more pets together, since I was getting ready to move out with Corey and all. I know it might be silly to some people to remember our pets the way we do, but we really did love them, and they really did make our lives better while they were around. I won't lie, I think they're all hanging out together in animal heaven.
11.10.2012
Interesting
Tonight in my internet rounds, I came across an article on MSNBC.com that talked about how marriage proposals are becoming bigger and bigger and more public events; about how so many men now propose in big public ways, like with flash mobs or on stage at concerts for whatever. And how there are apparently event planners now who specialize in this sort of thing. I was reading the article about midway through I came across this quote:
"Sure, you can have an intimate proposal between two people--but that's not the way a couple or a family live their lives together. They live their lives connected to hundreds of other people. This kind of a proposal takes it to a more natural place where you get to share this moment with people who care about you and hundreds of other people as well."
And it really just kind of caught my attention and made me think.
The guy who said this has a point. We are very, very social beings these days, and we live in a place and time where it's really easy to connect to other people. We share our whole lives with people without even blinking--I mean, look at this blog. It's public, but I don't mind in the least that there are potentially strangers reading it. We're almost trained to share our lives anymore. I don't really think it's necessarily a bad thing; a lot of good has come from having a world that is so interconnected in so many ways. I think sharing so much can make us feel validated, almost, and that's why we're so drawn to work. Networking definitely has its advantages.
BUT. The thought of sharing some of the most beautiful moments of my life with hundreds of complete strangers is something I don't like the sound of. I have no problem discussing some elements of my personal life or venting online to strangers. But there are definitely some things I want kept to myself.
I firmly believe that there are some parts of our lives that should still be private, and love/marriage is one of them. Obviously we all talk about those things with people to an extent, but at the same time, I think that when two people are in love or married there should be some things that are only between them. I mean, isn't that the point of a serious relationship? That it's different than any of the other relationships in your life? Closer, more intimate? That's what I think--that a marriage should be an intimate thing that doesn't involve hundreds of other people, and that there's nothing wrong with that.
I felt very strongly about this when Corey and I started discussing forever, and I realized I'd be getting engaged or married. I thought about what I really wanted out of those things. I knew I wanted an intimate proposal, and it was; Corey and I were hiking in Sedona, along the Oak Creek, when he asked me to marry him, and I've never told anyone exactly what he said when he did it. Just because I want it to be ours alone. It was beautiful, and I think that if I'd been being watched by a ton of other people, I'd have hated it. Because it was just the two of us . . . I don't know, it felt like there was some kind of promise in that. The engagement was really the beginning of the rest of our lives (or so I imagined it to be at the time) and since it was just us, it felt like that was what I was agreeing to. That I was saying yes to there always being an us--that at the end of the day, whatever was going on in our lives, good or bad, it would come down to the two of us. Cheesy, I know, but totally true.
Then as we started to plan the wedding the question of who would be our Maid of Honor and Best Man came up. I won't lie, I didn't really have anyone I could ask. I don't have a lot of good friends. Well, there's Jerbs, but given that she's my ex, her being in the wedding seemed like a no no. So it probably would have been one of my sisters, and I didn't want to have to choose just one of them. Corey had someone in mind but they hadn't talked in a long time so it wasn't a for sure thing. I stressed over this, trying to figure out who I could see standing by my side when I said my vows, and eventually, I realized that I didn't want anyone there. I wanted (and Corey agreed with this) it to just be Corey and me at the altar. That made sense to me. It felt more intimate that way--it felt like the way I wanted to start our life together. I honestly think that once I thought it over that's what I would want regardless of whether or not I have an obvious choice for Maid of Honor. It's still what I want for my someday wedding, whether it's with Corey or not.
Really, when I was with Corey, especially after we moved in together, my favorite parts of our relationship were the just us times. I loved going home together, and that the day always ended and began with us alone. (Again, cheesy as hell . . . but true).
I'm not saying that engagements and weddings aren't awesome things that shouldn't be shared with friends and family. I just think that our society tends to focus more on those things than the actual marriage. And this article insinuated at points that people are feeling more social pressure to make those parts of their lives huge, public spectacles, and I think that's sad. There's nothing wrong with wanting intimacy over exposure, in my opinion.
Besides, a fancy, elaborate, public proposal doesn't mean you're more loved than anyone else. It doesn't mean your marriage is going to be better because of it. And it doesn't matter either how big the engagement ring is or how many people are in your wedding or at your wedding or how much the dress cost or how much you spend on the honeymoon. I mean, there's nothing wrong with those things, but not one of them guarantees a successful marriage. And the engagement doesn't last forever, and the wedding's only a day, but the marriage is forever.
Anyway. Just my opinion of the matter.
"Sure, you can have an intimate proposal between two people--but that's not the way a couple or a family live their lives together. They live their lives connected to hundreds of other people. This kind of a proposal takes it to a more natural place where you get to share this moment with people who care about you and hundreds of other people as well."
And it really just kind of caught my attention and made me think.
The guy who said this has a point. We are very, very social beings these days, and we live in a place and time where it's really easy to connect to other people. We share our whole lives with people without even blinking--I mean, look at this blog. It's public, but I don't mind in the least that there are potentially strangers reading it. We're almost trained to share our lives anymore. I don't really think it's necessarily a bad thing; a lot of good has come from having a world that is so interconnected in so many ways. I think sharing so much can make us feel validated, almost, and that's why we're so drawn to work. Networking definitely has its advantages.
BUT. The thought of sharing some of the most beautiful moments of my life with hundreds of complete strangers is something I don't like the sound of. I have no problem discussing some elements of my personal life or venting online to strangers. But there are definitely some things I want kept to myself.
I firmly believe that there are some parts of our lives that should still be private, and love/marriage is one of them. Obviously we all talk about those things with people to an extent, but at the same time, I think that when two people are in love or married there should be some things that are only between them. I mean, isn't that the point of a serious relationship? That it's different than any of the other relationships in your life? Closer, more intimate? That's what I think--that a marriage should be an intimate thing that doesn't involve hundreds of other people, and that there's nothing wrong with that.
I felt very strongly about this when Corey and I started discussing forever, and I realized I'd be getting engaged or married. I thought about what I really wanted out of those things. I knew I wanted an intimate proposal, and it was; Corey and I were hiking in Sedona, along the Oak Creek, when he asked me to marry him, and I've never told anyone exactly what he said when he did it. Just because I want it to be ours alone. It was beautiful, and I think that if I'd been being watched by a ton of other people, I'd have hated it. Because it was just the two of us . . . I don't know, it felt like there was some kind of promise in that. The engagement was really the beginning of the rest of our lives (or so I imagined it to be at the time) and since it was just us, it felt like that was what I was agreeing to. That I was saying yes to there always being an us--that at the end of the day, whatever was going on in our lives, good or bad, it would come down to the two of us. Cheesy, I know, but totally true.
Then as we started to plan the wedding the question of who would be our Maid of Honor and Best Man came up. I won't lie, I didn't really have anyone I could ask. I don't have a lot of good friends. Well, there's Jerbs, but given that she's my ex, her being in the wedding seemed like a no no. So it probably would have been one of my sisters, and I didn't want to have to choose just one of them. Corey had someone in mind but they hadn't talked in a long time so it wasn't a for sure thing. I stressed over this, trying to figure out who I could see standing by my side when I said my vows, and eventually, I realized that I didn't want anyone there. I wanted (and Corey agreed with this) it to just be Corey and me at the altar. That made sense to me. It felt more intimate that way--it felt like the way I wanted to start our life together. I honestly think that once I thought it over that's what I would want regardless of whether or not I have an obvious choice for Maid of Honor. It's still what I want for my someday wedding, whether it's with Corey or not.
Really, when I was with Corey, especially after we moved in together, my favorite parts of our relationship were the just us times. I loved going home together, and that the day always ended and began with us alone. (Again, cheesy as hell . . . but true).
I'm not saying that engagements and weddings aren't awesome things that shouldn't be shared with friends and family. I just think that our society tends to focus more on those things than the actual marriage. And this article insinuated at points that people are feeling more social pressure to make those parts of their lives huge, public spectacles, and I think that's sad. There's nothing wrong with wanting intimacy over exposure, in my opinion.
Besides, a fancy, elaborate, public proposal doesn't mean you're more loved than anyone else. It doesn't mean your marriage is going to be better because of it. And it doesn't matter either how big the engagement ring is or how many people are in your wedding or at your wedding or how much the dress cost or how much you spend on the honeymoon. I mean, there's nothing wrong with those things, but not one of them guarantees a successful marriage. And the engagement doesn't last forever, and the wedding's only a day, but the marriage is forever.
Anyway. Just my opinion of the matter.
First Snow
It's snowing out. Coming down pretty hard.
It is beautiful. I look forward to snow every single year.
But I've been dreading the first snow this year, I really have.
I don't even think I have to explain why.
It is beautiful. I look forward to snow every single year.
But I've been dreading the first snow this year, I really have.
I don't even think I have to explain why.
Unemployed
I'm officially unemployed.
I have been for a few days now, but I've hesitated to admit it.
I quit Hastings. I quit without notice, and I'm not proud of that, but I'm also not ashamed of it. After the way I was treated in the time I worked at this store, I don't really think they deserved much from me.
First of all, I've averaged 10 hours a week since I got here, which is nothing, especially at $8/hour. I've heard employees talking shit about other employees more times than I can count. I've heard our store manager bad mouth other employees. It's beyond unprofessional. Another associate's husband has literally stood at my register and just stared at me, which is incredibly creepy. I had a manager throw his keys at me because he was pissed at me for something I honestly didn't do. That same manager has a long history of anger issues and apparently once before punched a hole through the office wall. My boss witnessed the key throwing, and ultimately, I was told to watch myself around this other employee. Sorry, but that is complete bull freaking shit. That guy should have been fired, and quite frankly, he's lucky I didn't call the cops on his ass. And no one there liked me. Maybe a few people, but the thing is, this store has no well trained employees. They're all shit. Not one of them would last a week at a decent store. So when I do things right, they get pissed. It's ridiculous. And I swear up and down that that's true, I'm not just trying to make myself look better. The fact is that I was trained correctly, I do things correctly, and this store couldn't stand it. (Always been the case with this store, BTW).
The last straw came last week. I mentioned on here that I was scheduled to work last Sunday, the 4th. I am not available on Sundays. I haven't been since I started back at the Kingman Hastings last September. Initially I did it that way because I wanted Corey and I to have one day completely off together. Since he worked Monday thru Friday, and I knew I'd be working Saturdays, Sundays was basically the only option. When I moved, I left it the same, so that I knew I'd have a day for my own stuff.
Well, suddenly I had a 7 AM to 4 PM shift on a Sunday. I left my boss a note saying I wasn't available on Sundays. When he finally got back to me about it at work, he basically told me that I'd been specially requested for a project, and that he had just really hoped/assumed I could work it. There are SO MANY THINGS wrong with that! Let me say that if I'd been asked in advance, say the week before, if I could work a Sunday for a big project, even though it's outside of availability, I probably would have been willing to help out. But that courtesy wasn't given to me. Instead, the assumption was made that what I said my availability was is a lie. To me, that is a huge amount of disrespect. If you can't at least respect my availability, then what CAN you respect? That's like the most basic level of respect, in my opinion. And it was made very clear to me by my boss that he was incredibly disappointed in me, and he hinted that it might be grounds for a write up and termination. I was kind of in shock about that, but I stood my ground: respect me or I don't do shit for you.
On the same day that this conversation happened, I got bitched out by the LS manager for how much stocking I'd gotten done. I'm normally a pretty quick stocker. But on this particular day, the guy working in video was brand spanking new, on maybe his 5th shift altogether. So every fifteen minutes he either asked me help, or I overheard him giving a customer incorrect information. I probably saved at least $200 in sales by correcting him. So here's another issue: people get hired and thrown into departments without any training. Then the experienced people working on the floor have to train them as we go, and yes, it takes away from the time we have to do our own jobs. And the LS manager was like, well, the other day in my shift, I stocked this much and this much and I was like . . . wow, really? I don't give a crap how much you can stock in a shift, in my opinion, training where it's needed supersedes stocking. Period.
Then I went to Kingman for Austin's birthday. I was scheduled to work Saturday and Monday; I called in both days. It was made clear to me that this was not OK, and again, it was insinuated that I could potentially be let go. At this point, I'd really already decided I was done so I didn't care. Seeing my family was well worth it, in my opinion.
Ultimately, I decided to quit to save face. I think that at future interviews it'll look better to say, I quit because I was treated so poorly, than to have to explain why I was fired.
Am I terrified? Oh God, yes. I've been having anxiety attacks about this for days. I'm scared to just not have a job, and I keep flashing back to last time, when I was unemployed for almost 2 years. I can't do that again. I am also ashamed of how irresponsible I feel comfortable being--but I tell myself that if this was a job where I was treated like a human being and that I enjoyed or at least didn't mind, I'd feel totally differently. It's also weird because quitting without notice means I can't be re-hired, so if I was to move back to Kingman, Hastings isn't a work option there. That part makes me sad, because in a way, it's like I'm severing a tie to that life, and . . . I don't know, moving on. Making it harder to go back to. I hate that feeling.
But as far as finding a new job goes, I actually think I'll be OK. Since I've been back in Flagstaff, I've limited my job search to office jobs. But right now a lot of places are hiring seasonally, so I think that if I expand my search to include other retail places and grocery stores, I'll probably be able to find something pretty quickly. At least that's what I'm hoping.
But Jerbs supports me completely, and I trust her judgement in pretty much everything.
So . . . yeah. Scary, but even with the anxiety attacks I'm relieved to be rid of Hastings.
I have been for a few days now, but I've hesitated to admit it.
I quit Hastings. I quit without notice, and I'm not proud of that, but I'm also not ashamed of it. After the way I was treated in the time I worked at this store, I don't really think they deserved much from me.
First of all, I've averaged 10 hours a week since I got here, which is nothing, especially at $8/hour. I've heard employees talking shit about other employees more times than I can count. I've heard our store manager bad mouth other employees. It's beyond unprofessional. Another associate's husband has literally stood at my register and just stared at me, which is incredibly creepy. I had a manager throw his keys at me because he was pissed at me for something I honestly didn't do. That same manager has a long history of anger issues and apparently once before punched a hole through the office wall. My boss witnessed the key throwing, and ultimately, I was told to watch myself around this other employee. Sorry, but that is complete bull freaking shit. That guy should have been fired, and quite frankly, he's lucky I didn't call the cops on his ass. And no one there liked me. Maybe a few people, but the thing is, this store has no well trained employees. They're all shit. Not one of them would last a week at a decent store. So when I do things right, they get pissed. It's ridiculous. And I swear up and down that that's true, I'm not just trying to make myself look better. The fact is that I was trained correctly, I do things correctly, and this store couldn't stand it. (Always been the case with this store, BTW).
The last straw came last week. I mentioned on here that I was scheduled to work last Sunday, the 4th. I am not available on Sundays. I haven't been since I started back at the Kingman Hastings last September. Initially I did it that way because I wanted Corey and I to have one day completely off together. Since he worked Monday thru Friday, and I knew I'd be working Saturdays, Sundays was basically the only option. When I moved, I left it the same, so that I knew I'd have a day for my own stuff.
Well, suddenly I had a 7 AM to 4 PM shift on a Sunday. I left my boss a note saying I wasn't available on Sundays. When he finally got back to me about it at work, he basically told me that I'd been specially requested for a project, and that he had just really hoped/assumed I could work it. There are SO MANY THINGS wrong with that! Let me say that if I'd been asked in advance, say the week before, if I could work a Sunday for a big project, even though it's outside of availability, I probably would have been willing to help out. But that courtesy wasn't given to me. Instead, the assumption was made that what I said my availability was is a lie. To me, that is a huge amount of disrespect. If you can't at least respect my availability, then what CAN you respect? That's like the most basic level of respect, in my opinion. And it was made very clear to me by my boss that he was incredibly disappointed in me, and he hinted that it might be grounds for a write up and termination. I was kind of in shock about that, but I stood my ground: respect me or I don't do shit for you.
On the same day that this conversation happened, I got bitched out by the LS manager for how much stocking I'd gotten done. I'm normally a pretty quick stocker. But on this particular day, the guy working in video was brand spanking new, on maybe his 5th shift altogether. So every fifteen minutes he either asked me help, or I overheard him giving a customer incorrect information. I probably saved at least $200 in sales by correcting him. So here's another issue: people get hired and thrown into departments without any training. Then the experienced people working on the floor have to train them as we go, and yes, it takes away from the time we have to do our own jobs. And the LS manager was like, well, the other day in my shift, I stocked this much and this much and I was like . . . wow, really? I don't give a crap how much you can stock in a shift, in my opinion, training where it's needed supersedes stocking. Period.
Then I went to Kingman for Austin's birthday. I was scheduled to work Saturday and Monday; I called in both days. It was made clear to me that this was not OK, and again, it was insinuated that I could potentially be let go. At this point, I'd really already decided I was done so I didn't care. Seeing my family was well worth it, in my opinion.
Ultimately, I decided to quit to save face. I think that at future interviews it'll look better to say, I quit because I was treated so poorly, than to have to explain why I was fired.
Am I terrified? Oh God, yes. I've been having anxiety attacks about this for days. I'm scared to just not have a job, and I keep flashing back to last time, when I was unemployed for almost 2 years. I can't do that again. I am also ashamed of how irresponsible I feel comfortable being--but I tell myself that if this was a job where I was treated like a human being and that I enjoyed or at least didn't mind, I'd feel totally differently. It's also weird because quitting without notice means I can't be re-hired, so if I was to move back to Kingman, Hastings isn't a work option there. That part makes me sad, because in a way, it's like I'm severing a tie to that life, and . . . I don't know, moving on. Making it harder to go back to. I hate that feeling.
But as far as finding a new job goes, I actually think I'll be OK. Since I've been back in Flagstaff, I've limited my job search to office jobs. But right now a lot of places are hiring seasonally, so I think that if I expand my search to include other retail places and grocery stores, I'll probably be able to find something pretty quickly. At least that's what I'm hoping.
But Jerbs supports me completely, and I trust her judgement in pretty much everything.
So . . . yeah. Scary, but even with the anxiety attacks I'm relieved to be rid of Hastings.
11.09.2012
Weigh In: 2 Months, No Pics
My two month weigh in was technically the 7th . . . I'm a bit behind.
My weight is at 175 still.
I didn't take pictures this time (I just don't feel like it) but I did take all my measurements. Most of them were the same as when I took them about a month ago. There were 2 areas I lost in and 2 areas I gained in, though. The gains and losses were both small. The losses I think are just from walking. Even though I'm not doing a "real" workout every day, I'm still walking a lot almost every day. And considering that most days I run late, I usually jog to the bus stop.
I imagine that if I'd stopped working out but was still driving I'd be doing a lot worse.
I haven't done a work out in forever, and I know it's affecting how I feel. But it's so hard to get to the workout room, it really is. For one thing, it's freezing. For another, it's now precipitating . . . yesterday we just got rain, today we've gotten a ton of rain and hail, and it's going to start snowing soon. It just makes walking down to the workout room very, VERY unappealing.
Plus I'm not feeling well physically. Basically a few weeks ago my good air bed just . . . I don't know. It popped a seam or something so it was all screwed up. It was sagging in the center and swollen on one end, and I couldn't sleep on it. So I switched it out with the newer air bed that the cats put some pretty bad holes in. The holes are well patched but this one deflates faster and worse than the other one, so I wake up on the floor. Plus I have to re-inflate it a lot during the night (much to the annoyance of our downstairs neighbor). I wake up super sore, in my shoulders, back, and legs, and I KNOW it's from the bed. It sucks. I find it annoying that because I can't afford a real bed my whole body is suffering.
Then there's my ankle injury. I'm still limping and it still hurts. I'm annoyed that I came back from Kingman all determined to get back on track with stuff and then screwed up my ankle. I know that right now I couldn't do crap in the workout room because of my ankle. I at least have to wait for that to heal.
So I should at least be eating right. I should at least be working on that side of the health stuff, but no. I've definitely been stress eating a LOT lately. I'm totally a comfort eater, and right now between the stress of work stuff (long story), money, treatment stuff I need to get done, as well as depression over missing Kingman and my family and Corey and the holidays fast approaching . . . well, I've definitely fallen back into old habits.
I'm hoping to get over it soon. I'm really hoping to get back on track in a lot of ways . . . if only my mental health would cooperate! Because not helping things is the fact that as soon as I'd been back from Kingman for like a day, that funk I'd been in that was finally lifting came back with a vengeance.
Sigh. Sometimes I feel like I really can't win!
My weight is at 175 still.
I didn't take pictures this time (I just don't feel like it) but I did take all my measurements. Most of them were the same as when I took them about a month ago. There were 2 areas I lost in and 2 areas I gained in, though. The gains and losses were both small. The losses I think are just from walking. Even though I'm not doing a "real" workout every day, I'm still walking a lot almost every day. And considering that most days I run late, I usually jog to the bus stop.
I imagine that if I'd stopped working out but was still driving I'd be doing a lot worse.
I haven't done a work out in forever, and I know it's affecting how I feel. But it's so hard to get to the workout room, it really is. For one thing, it's freezing. For another, it's now precipitating . . . yesterday we just got rain, today we've gotten a ton of rain and hail, and it's going to start snowing soon. It just makes walking down to the workout room very, VERY unappealing.
Plus I'm not feeling well physically. Basically a few weeks ago my good air bed just . . . I don't know. It popped a seam or something so it was all screwed up. It was sagging in the center and swollen on one end, and I couldn't sleep on it. So I switched it out with the newer air bed that the cats put some pretty bad holes in. The holes are well patched but this one deflates faster and worse than the other one, so I wake up on the floor. Plus I have to re-inflate it a lot during the night (much to the annoyance of our downstairs neighbor). I wake up super sore, in my shoulders, back, and legs, and I KNOW it's from the bed. It sucks. I find it annoying that because I can't afford a real bed my whole body is suffering.
Then there's my ankle injury. I'm still limping and it still hurts. I'm annoyed that I came back from Kingman all determined to get back on track with stuff and then screwed up my ankle. I know that right now I couldn't do crap in the workout room because of my ankle. I at least have to wait for that to heal.
So I should at least be eating right. I should at least be working on that side of the health stuff, but no. I've definitely been stress eating a LOT lately. I'm totally a comfort eater, and right now between the stress of work stuff (long story), money, treatment stuff I need to get done, as well as depression over missing Kingman and my family and Corey and the holidays fast approaching . . . well, I've definitely fallen back into old habits.
I'm hoping to get over it soon. I'm really hoping to get back on track in a lot of ways . . . if only my mental health would cooperate! Because not helping things is the fact that as soon as I'd been back from Kingman for like a day, that funk I'd been in that was finally lifting came back with a vengeance.
Sigh. Sometimes I feel like I really can't win!
11.08.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
It was a rainy, cold day up here today. I love this kind of weather but today it really just made me feel lonely.
I think it's because you and I always used to talk about moving to Seattle and spending all of our time in the rain. And I remember cuddling closer to you in our bed at night whenever we got rain last fall. I know that I wasn't fond of sharing a bed but now I kind of hate sleeping alone.
Love,
Jessica
It was a rainy, cold day up here today. I love this kind of weather but today it really just made me feel lonely.
I think it's because you and I always used to talk about moving to Seattle and spending all of our time in the rain. And I remember cuddling closer to you in our bed at night whenever we got rain last fall. I know that I wasn't fond of sharing a bed but now I kind of hate sleeping alone.
Love,
Jessica
Ouch!
Fun story.
This morning, at like 10:30, I woke up and saw that the bedroom door was open. So I got up to close it and then go to the bathroom.
Well, my right foot/ankle were asleep, but it didn't feel like they were too asleep, and I figured I'd just walk it off. I stumbled on my first step, and then on my second step, when I put my weight on that foot, I collapsed. My foot was too asleep to support any weight, and I felt my ankle snap underneath me. Not snap as in broken, that's just the best way to describe the motion it made as this was happening.
So I fell on the floor and actually cried because of the pain. I was able to stand up and sort of mostly hop on one foot to do what I needed to do. It was not pleasant. Plus right after the fall I felt like I was going to throw up really strongly. It was weird.
So I went back to bed and when I woke up, my ankle was bruised and swollen. The swelling is only in one little spot around the bruise. It still hurts like a bitch and I'm still limping.
Nice way to wake up, huh?
This morning, at like 10:30, I woke up and saw that the bedroom door was open. So I got up to close it and then go to the bathroom.
Well, my right foot/ankle were asleep, but it didn't feel like they were too asleep, and I figured I'd just walk it off. I stumbled on my first step, and then on my second step, when I put my weight on that foot, I collapsed. My foot was too asleep to support any weight, and I felt my ankle snap underneath me. Not snap as in broken, that's just the best way to describe the motion it made as this was happening.
So I fell on the floor and actually cried because of the pain. I was able to stand up and sort of mostly hop on one foot to do what I needed to do. It was not pleasant. Plus right after the fall I felt like I was going to throw up really strongly. It was weird.
So I went back to bed and when I woke up, my ankle was bruised and swollen. The swelling is only in one little spot around the bruise. It still hurts like a bitch and I'm still limping.
Nice way to wake up, huh?
Thankful Thursday: My Family
Lately my Facebook has been blowing up with people posting something for which they're thankful daily for the month of November. I wanted to do something gratitude inspired for this month but I'm not really up to a daily thing, so I decided on a weekly thing instead. So I give you Thankful Thursday. And yes, I know I missed a week, but whatever. Maybe I'll do an extra one at some point.
---------------
Today I'm thankful for my family, because they are awesome. My family definitely has their faults, like all people do, but I love them dearly. My family consists of . . .
My Dad
--One of the funniest people I know, whose sense of humor is close to mine.
--Spent two decades of his life getting up every day and going to a job he hated because he had a family to support. To me, that's heroic.
--Built most of the house we lived in on LeRoy.
--Fond of giving people nicknames. Most of my and my sister's friends had nicknames from him growing up. He calls me Other Left, because I've always had a problem telling my right from my left.
--Die hard Steelers fan. That's why I cheer for the Steelers--it's pretty much in my blood.
--Amateur mechanic who spent a lot of time fixing things on my POS first car.
--I've been told that while I look like my mom, I have my dad's eyes. I also inherited his temperament . . . and his temper. (Not that he's an angry person, we just tend to get pissed off the same way).
--The person I've gone to more and more for advice as I've gotten older, because I think a lot like my dad. Up until college I was always closer to my mom, and while I'm still close to her, I feel like my dad is more a confidant for me now.
--Always asks how I'm doing with my mental illness treatment, which is amazing. My dad really doesn't get the whole bipolar thing. I'm not saying he's stupid by any means, he just doesn't really understand why it happens to some people and how it's diagnosed, since there's really no concrete test, y'know? When my mom dealt with depression/anxiety a long time ago, he kind of detached. When I dealt with it he did the same thing. But now he asks about it regularly, asks if I'm taking my medicine and stuff, and I love that he's trying harder to understand it. It means so much to me.
--He came to every NAU Homecoming game from 2003--2009. And in all the times I've moved, there's only been one he hasn't helped with.
--He is an amazing grandfather to Austin, and I love seeing him in that role. And it's clear how much Austin loves him. Austin calls him BoBo . . . we don't know why, but he does.
My Mom
--Probably the most generous, giving, selfless person I've ever known or will ever know. She has always gone above and beyond to help people, whether they're friends or strangers. I haven't done as much of her but I feel a strong drive in me to give and give back whenever I can, and I know that comes from watching her.
--Extreme couponner. Not as extreme as the ones you see on TV but still pretty extreme. That's one of the reasons she's so giving--whenever she buys a ton of food, she gives most of it away.
--She donated a giant box of fruit snacks to Grace Place, the after school program that Corey's mom runs through his family's church in Chinle. Everyone out there was thrilled and touched, and I loved that our families connected through her.
--But I will say that as a result of always being stocked up on something as a kid, there are some foods I just ate way too much of back then and can't eat now.
--Cleveland Browns fan. It was kind of a big deal when they played the Steelers in my house.
--Started working at my school as a lunch lady when I started first grade. I had some separation anxiety and I used to cry when I'd see her at lunch.
--Used to make me peanut butter and butter sandwiches, the logic being that the butter would keep the peanut butter from every choking me. It was disgusting, and just remembering that taste makes me cringe. (No offense, mom!)
--Huuuuuuuge band geek when she was in high school. She played just about everything but was primarily a flute player. She's the reason I couldn't wait to join band and why I love music. I'm grateful for that, because music has shaped a lot of the best experiences in my life. Plus I know she's proud of me for being a musician, and I love that she understands the significance of it.
--Passionately in love with Jon Bon Jovi.
--She is an incredible grandmother to Austin. I've never seen anyone so doting, and it's really sweet. Just like with my dad, I love seeing her as a grandparent. And Austin is very attached to her; I swear he asks at least once every time I see him if we can go to her house. Austin calls her Grandma.
My Younger Sister (Jenny)
--Three and a half years younger than I am. She graduated high school a year early, which I think is super cool.
--I hated her when she was born, because I definitely did not want a little sister.
--She called me Sister for the longest time, and I actually had trouble adjusting when she finally started using my name.
--We wore matching outfits on every holiday. We also fought horribly as kids.
--She was a cheer leader--the polar opposite of a band geek like me.
--Has gone through a lot the last few years, especially with Austin, but has handled it all well and in a positive way. I admire that greatly.
--Aspired to be a nurse, and worked first as a CNA.
--She found out she was pregnant just before she found out she'd been accepted to nursing school. She started nursing school pregnant and gave birth before her first semester was over, and still finished that semester with good grades. I can't even say how amazing I think that is, because I know I could never have done birth.
--In May of 2010, graduated with her nursing degree and officially became an R.N. I was and am so proud of her, and going to her pinning ceremony was a fantastic experience.
--Now she works as an R.N. in the ER at KRMC--the hospital where we were all born, and where Austin was born. She loves her job and is truly passionate about it, and from what I've heard, she makes an amazing nurse. I'm glad she found her calling in life.
--A great mom to Austin. The two of them love each other so much. It has been both strange and amazing to see my sister as a mother. That's not really something you think about growing up together--that you'll always be sisters and you'll see each other go through some tremendous changes in life. But still, it's a beautiful thing.
My Younger Younger Sister (Jillian)
--Eight years younger than me, almost exactly. She was born 2 days after my 8th birthday. I didn't really mind her . . . Jenny wasn't happy though.
--She is a lot more like me than Jenny is, and I think some of that has to do with being the same star signs. She's an artistic and literary person and a critical thinker, like me. I just think that's interesting because of our close birthdays.
--I used to pick her up from school in high school, and I always thought that was cool. We also shared a room for quite a few years as kids.
--Once when she was a toddler she got mad at me and ripped her Barney poster off the wall. It was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen.
--She is probably the most tech savvy person in our family, probably because she's the youngest.
--Interested in photography, which I think would be a really cool/good career choice for her.
--She's a very smart girl, and I think she has a bright, bright future ahead of her if she puts her mind to it and chooses what she wants to do with her life. (She's like me and has too many interests to really settle on a career/school choice).
--An awesome aunt to Austin. He calls her Auntie and loves to hang out with her when he's at my mom's house.
Austin
--The most awesome and adorable 4 year old on the whole planet in my opinion. I'm happy to have him around and I'm excited to watch him grow up.
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