Nikolai James

I'm still not sure how much of the past few years I'm going to get around to blogging about, but the story of how we got our little buddy, Niko, is too good not to share.

Like I said in my last post, Jerbs' mom unexpectedly passed away last year.  It truly came out of nowhere and I think it goes without saying that it was just a terrible, terrible time.  The combination of the loss and being so far away when it happened (because we were in WA, obviously) was just . . . overwhelmingly bad.  And on top of that, there was a huge delay as far as the funeral/burial, and because that was all so uncertain, we weren't able to plan flights and had to road trip to AZ.  That drive suuuucks.

So anyway, we were in Kingman at the end of June.  Jane's whole side of the family (9 brothers and 2 sisters plus their spouses and kids and, in a few cases, grandkids) were in town.  I really only spent time with them on the days of the services for Jane, but Jerbs, of course, was with them non stop.  The week we were there, Austin was playing in a baseball tournament; he had a game on Thursday night, a few days after we arrived, and by then, Jerbs needed a break from her fam, so she came with my family and me to Austin's game.

Now, my brother in law was there with my step nephew and step niece; my step niece (Nic) isn't super into actually watching ball games so she was off playing with her friends at the park.  Nothing too new or exciting, but about halfway through the game, she walks up to the bleachers, carrying this tiny little grey kitten, and she pretty much holds it out to her dad and my sister and says, "I found this in a bush!  I stuck my hand in to get it and it didn't bite me!"

The parentals were pretty much like, um, no, you can't have a cat.  But I was sitting a little above them at the top of the bleachers and I could tell that the cat was possibly a Russian blue, so I called Nic over and took him.  Sure enough, it was a little boy Russian blue, mauve paw pads and all.  Jerbs and I were completely in shock.  He fell asleep in Jerbs' lap, and pretty much didn't move for the rest of the game.  We pretty much knew right away that we were going to be taking him home, because . . . well, how could we not?  Thankfully Jerbs' aunt said he could stay at her house until we left, so after the game, we bought him some kitten food and a little litter box and all that, and took him over.  He spent a few days there, and was spoiled/cuddled/loved on by all of Jerbs' aunts and uncles.  We also put ads on Craigslist and Facebook, just in case he was somebody's cat already, but by the day we were leaving, we'd had no responses.

So we brought him home to WA with us.  He loved the car ride home, and loved the dogs right away (and now he thinks he's a dog); he slept on my pillow in the hotel when we stopped for the night.  For the first couple months we had him home he slept in my room, usually on my pillow, until he decided he was too big for that.  He's a very brave cat--we intended to kind of keep him alone in my room for a week or so, because he was tiny and the apartment and other cats are so big.  But . . . Niko had other ideas, and within a day he'd completely slipped past me and explored the house and met Irene and Ilya.

The girl cats have done OK with him.  Irene is mostly disinterested, although she will sometimes lay next to him.  She'll also kick his ass when he tries to jump her, which is usually pretty entertaining.  He and Ilya are friends, though, and they cuddle and he grooms her and she sort of actually plays with him.  Sometimes he's a bit much for her (he plays VERY aggressively sometimes) but mostly it's all good.  And he still loves the dogs, and his fave thing is playing with Hollie.

We struggled naming him.  We considered desert-ish names (Sage, Saguaro, Mesquite, Zona, Tumbleweed) and Peanuts related names (Snoopy, Woodstock, Spike) and Russian names (Ivan, Tolstoy, Leo, Dostoevsky).  Eventually we settled on Nikolai, both because it's Russian and because it's similar to my step niece's name, Niko for short, with a middle name of James to honor Jane.  Niko loves feather toys more than anything, he begs for treats with the dogs every morning, he walks on a leash like a champ, he and Jerbs usually fall asleep together on the couch on Friday nights, and when he was little he liked to be zipped up into my sweatshirts to keep warm.  He is the sweetest, cutest, dumbest little thing and we love him so much.

I firmly, absolutely, 100% believe that Niko was sent to us by Jane to help us through the grief of losing her.  The odds of finding a Russian blue kitten in (essentially) the desert, at the time that both of us happened to be there despite living 1200 miles away, the day after we laid Jane to rest . . . He was a gift from her.  And the fact that he was so calm once he was with us, even though the crowd was cheering and there were other games going on and loud announcements happening--it was like he knew he'd found where he was supposed to be.  Jerbs' aunts and uncles all agreed.  I am so grateful that we got him, because I think he really has helped Jerbs through losing her mom; he's a tiny tangible reminder that her mom is watching over her, and that's beautiful.

And now some pictures of our little pal.

Stealing my office chair.

Cuddling with Jerbs on the drive from AZ to WA.

The first time he got into my window on his own.

All zipped up in my sweater.  This was how I worked for most of his first winter with us.

Growing up handsomely.

He sleeps in the funniest positions.

Hiding under the Christmas tree table so he could jump out
at the dogs.

When he got neutered and had to wear the cone.

He LOVES to shred paper products, so if paper towels,
toilet paper, tissues, etc. get left out . . . they get attacked.

A (Sort Of) Triumphant Return(ish)

Well, long time no see Life and Times of Ica.

I remember when I was first blogging, I'd find other blogs that hadn't been updated in years, and the last entry would be just a normal one, and I'd wonder what happened that made the writer just stop.  And now . . . here I am 2+ years since I posted and the answer is that LIFE happens.  Honestly, it hasn't been anything crazy exciting, just life.  Some bad, some good, some amazing, some awful.  Way way way too much to put into just one blog post.  Probably way way way too much to blog about, period, but I think I'm going to try.  I actually do miss this little space, and I started it back when what I was documenting was 90% misery.  There are definitely some good times on here too, but I think there should be more of them now that I'm, y'know, happy. 

So briefly . . .

The good/amazing:
--we are still in WA and we still love it
--I'm still working for MHC and loving working from home; Jerbs works in medical billing too now and she loves her job
--we still have Max and Hollie and Irene and Ilya, and they're all healthy and happy
--we have a new cat named Nikolai, and 2 rats named Juniper and Delilah
--I joined a gym that I really really love
--I'm subbing in multiple handbell choirs
--I actually have a love life!  (or . . . really a sex life, I guess, and I love it)
--I think I've finally gotten to the very root of my mental health issues and I'm finally on a med regimen that is WORKING
--over the past couple of years Jerbs and I have seen Game Grumps Live, NSP live, the Mountain Goats, Alton Brown, Neil Gaiman, TSO, Maroon 5 . . . and we're seeing the Mountain Goats and Morrissey in September
--the Goldwomen bought a HOUSE  earlier this year! (I have yet to visit them and see it, but I'm going to someday!)
--the Flicks had another baby and she's AMAZING, and their first baby is now a toddler who is also AMAZING . . . I legit love those kids and their parents; they also bought a new house since I last blogged and it's super cute
--Jerbs' cousin had a baby and he's 2 now, and he's adorable, and hilariously fearless
--Austy is TEN and started 5th grade the other day, and I'm blown away both by the little person he's become and by how it seems like just yesterday that he was a tiny baby; he's smart and funny and an amazing baseball player and I just love him
-Austy is also a BIG BROTHER now!  my sister had a baby girl in January, her name is Logan, her birthday is close to mine and Jillian's, and she's literally the cutest baby I've ever seen
--related--my sister is married!  she met this awesome guy in 2017, they fell in love, got engaged at a Dbacks game, had a baby, and had a mini wedding in April . . . their real big wedding is next April (on their 1st anniversary) and I'm so excited!  I'm so genuinely, over the moon happy for my sister
--my new brother in law has 5 kids from a previous marriage, so I have 4 step nephews and a step niece . . . I've mt two of the nephews and they're awesome, and my step niece is just adorable and I love her

The bad/awful:
--I went through a pretty awful bout mental health wise for awhile
--Jerbs' mom passed away last year
--around the same time, a friend/sorority sister from college passed away while giving childbirth
--literally everything about the Trump administration . . . thank God next year is an election year, hopefully it'll be the end of this utter bullshit nightmare

I think that's about it.  Life is pretty good at the moment, minus constantly missing Jane.  Hopefully sometime soon I can write more in detail.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with this lovely picture of our neck of the woods--Capitol Lake and the capitol building in Oly.

Christmas 2015

Christmas was lovely this year.

I had to work on Christmas Eve (lame), but MHC closed at noon, so as soon as I was off, Jerbs and I loaded the car, made a quick caffeine/donut stop, and got on the road.  All week we'd been hearing it was going to snow and we didn't want to get stuck in any kind of storm on the highway, so we were in a little bit of hurry, but we encountered exactly no snow on the trip.  Once we got to Kingman we went to my mom's and visited with her and Jillian for a bit, then I took Jerbs to her house and said hello to/exchanged Christmas gifts with her parents.  Then I headed over to my sister's house and convinced Austin to help me bring in all the Christmas gifts from my car, which was entertaining.  One thing I want to remember--Austin got this Crayola art kit for Christmas (I think from his Elf on the Shelf?) and he had gotten it out to show me and he left it on the coffee table.  My sister asked him why it was out, and he snapped at her, "I was showing it to Auntica, cuz me and Auntica like art!"  It was so funny, and it makes me so happy that Austin associates me with art in his head.

This year we skipped our tradition of going out to look at Christmas lights again, which just helped prove my theory that our Christmases are far more peaceful when we don't spend any time squished in a car together.  We all just hung out at my sister's and drank wine (well, my sister and I drank wine, and at one point, my mom accusingly asked Jenny, "Did you give your older sister wine??" and it just cracks me up that that's the dynamic of our family--the younger sister being the corrupter and the older sister being the nerd).  We did our one gift on Christmas Eve thing, and Austin gave everyone the gifts he got them at the Secret Santa gift shop at his school, and he apparently forgot about me and didn't get me something (thanks, Saucy).  It was pretty funny when he realized it, and in typical Austin fashion, he didn't feel bad, he just got a little sheepish and then cracked up.  (I honestly don't care one bit that he forgot, for the record).

After we hung out for awhile, my mom and Jill left and I took my dad home, then went and got dinner for Jenny, me, and Austin.  We had In-N-Out, which was awesome.  Austin kept asking if he could open this one gift I got him because he knew it was a book (I always get him a book) and he really wanted to know what it was, so we let him.  The book is 1,000 Jokes for Kids, and as soon as he read the title, he opened it up and said, "OK, guys, joke number one," and my sister just looked at me and was like good job, here we go.  It was freaking hilarious, probably in a you had to be there way, but man we cracked up.  I'm seriously impressed at how well Austin is reading, and I'm glad he liked his book.  He really did tell us jokes all night, too.  Eventually we decided to go look at some Christmas lights; up by my mom's old house there's a wealthy/well known family who always decorates their house really extravagantly for Christmas, and this year they synchronized the light show to music (Wizards in Winter by TSO and that one Christmas song that Alvin and the Chipmunks sing) so we went to see it.  It actually was pretty impressive.  Someone was flying a drone over the lights and Austin thought it was Santa and had a little meltdown about getting home and going to bed haha.  But my sister and I got nostalgic and remembered how when we were kids, the lights on the courthouse downtown would spell out the word "NOEL" across the columns on the building (4 columns, one letter on each column), and we decided to drive down there and see if they still do that.  And sadly, they don't, there's just a swirly thing of lights on each column now, which was more disappointing than you'd think.  But it was still a nice moment with my sister and I'm glad for that.

By then Austin was asleep in the back seat so we headed home and put him to bed, then put out all of his Santa gifts and did the whole milk and cookies thing.  I wrote his Santa letter and then I headed to a motel.

So yeah, this year I decided that instead of staying with my sister, I wanted to stay in a motel by myself.  I love my sister, and I love Austin, but as a Christmas gift to myself, I wanted a night completely alone (no pets, no roommate, no noise) in a big bed all by myself.  I explained that all to Austin and he was pretty whatever about it, so I didn't feel too bad.  And it was so worth it, I legit slept for like 12 hours.  (Minus the part where I woke up at 5 AM to cramps and my period starting out of NOWHERE.  I had no tampons or ibuprofen with me so I had to get dressed (ish, I really just threw on a shirt and pants and put my hair in a pony tail) and run to the gas station up the street.  That was freaking lovely.  But the older guy who checked me out still wished me a Merry Christmas!)  I went back to bed when I got back to my room but I'd rather not have had to deal with that unpleasantness.

Christmas day I went to my sister's and Austin showed me all the stuff he got from Santa.  My sister made buffalo chicken dip which I freaking LOVE, and we spent the afternoon just hanging out, eating that, watching Austin play with all his new stuff, and watching cheesy Christmas romance movies on the Hallmark channel.  Which is super corny, but honestly, I'm looking forward to doing it again next year!  I went and picked my dad up for dinner, my mom and Jill came over, and we opened presents.  I seriously got spoiled this year.  After presents we had dinner, and then I decided to stay another night in Kingman instead of going home on Christmas.  (Jerbs and I have had to come back on Christmas the past few years because one of us is usually working the day after, which happily wasn't the case this year).  That night I crashed at my sister's.

The day after Christmas we headed back to Flag, fully expecting snow on the ground when we got here, and there WASN'T ANY, which was actually kind of disappointing after hearing that we'd get snow for almost a whole week before.

Today I was off from work (I electively took it off, which I forgot about until like a week ago, and only remembered because a co-worker said something about it), so I drove down to Sedona and spent the afternoon with Jenna and Theresa.  They've been spending some holiday time in Phoenix with Theresa's family so they drove up.  It was fantastic, I love Sedona and we went to some great Sedona places, like the fudge shop and the cool candle store.  (I'm sure those businesses actually have names but I have no idea what they are).  It was so nice to see them, and I'm really glad we got to spend some time together.  It sucks having a BFF that lives so far away.

Anyway, I'm definitely not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I'm excited for the New Year later this week!

Colorado//First Plane Ride//Shannon's Wedding

I'm home from my trip to Colorado, and now that I've slept for approximately 14 hours, I finally feel awake enough to write about it.

I left last Thursday, after I made sure the cats were going to survive 4 days home alone.  Jerbs left for San Diego last Tuesday night, so all of the animal and house preparing fell to me (yay, my favorite).  I get super paranoid about that kind of stuff, so I spent all my after work time on Wednesday making sure various things were unplugged and taking out trash and setting out bowls of food and water for the cats and making sure there was nothing in the fridge that would go bad, etc. etc. etc.  I also managed to do most of my packing somewhere in there, which of course made exactly zero difference in being able to leave on time on Thursday because I just don't do on time, I guess.

I worked a half day Thursday, then put in a little time at job # 2.  Then I came home and triple checked everything in the house, showered, finished packing, loaded up the car and hit the road.  I was just over halfway to Flagstaff when I randomly started wondering if I had locked a cat in the laundry room.  I seriously considered turning around and driving back to check, but talked myself out of it.  I had checked the laundry room before I left, but I'd only kind of glanced because I was in a hurry, so . . . yeah.  I kind of talked myself into a panic about it.  (Happily, I did NOT lock any cats in the laundry room when I left, but those fatties did manage to eat all the food I put out for them so . . . good job, cats).

I drove to Kingman and dropped my dogs and their stuff off at my mom's (she was nice enough to watch them for me), then I spent the night at my sister's.  (Austin was so happy to see me, when he saw me at my mom's he said he'd been waiting ALL DAY for me to get there haha).  Our flight from Vegas to Denver was at 6:20 in the morning, which mean we got up around 2 AM to be on the road by 3.  This all happened after staying up until at least 11 the night before, so it was not the most pleasant experience.  The whole way to Vegas my sister (needlessly) worried that we were going to miss our flight, which made the whole thing even more fun.

So the flight.  This was actually my first time ever flying, so I was really excited and nervous about it.  The security stuff was kind of anxiety inducing, I was very worried that I was going to get stopped for extra stuff--not that there was any reason at all that I would be, but still.  On the plane, I sat with Austin, so he got the window seat, but since he's so short I was able to see over him.  Let me tell you, I really surprised/impressed myself with how calm I was about flying.  Like, I fully expected to be shit terrified, but . . . I was just completely at ease.  Take off was a little weird, just because you kind of get thrown back in your seat as the plane goes up, and it's a strange sensation when you experience it for the first time.  Once we were in the air, the only thing that scared me was when the plane would kind of roll to the side.  That's the only way I can think to describe it, and I think it happens when the plane moves in a curved line, if that makes sense.  It's kind of creepy to be looking out the window and then just have it dip to one side, so that scared me quite a bit.  But the flight to Denver was really smooth and the landing was smooth too, so overall I think I got lucky to have that particular flight as my first one.  (Flight home was not so great but more on that later).

Once we got to Denver, we picked up a rental car and drove to Colorado Springs (about an hour away).  Then my sister and her friend, Jen, who had flown out with us, had the rehearsal dinner.  At that point I actually took the rental car and drove back to the Denver airport to pick up Jen's boyfriend, who had flown out from Phoenix.  Weirdly, that drive was one of the highlights of the trip for me.  Before I left, my sister freaked out because I don't have GPS on my phone, and I just looked up the directions online and wrote them down.  Then the exit I was supposed to take was closed, which initially made me panic, because I was on a packed 4 lane highway in a strange city/state, so I just kept driving, intending to turn around and try to hit my intended exit from the other direction.  But then I saw signs for the airport at a different exit a few miles up the road and just followed those, so basically I ended up taking the highway instead of a toll road, which just adds about 20 minutes onto the trip, not really a big deal.  So I made it to the airport, followed the signs to the terminal (based on just knowing the airline BTW), then followed the signs to passenger pick up, and smoothly and successfully picked up Jen's boyfriend.  Then I just followed the signs to get back on the road to Colorado Springs, and we successfully made it back.  I was so fucking proud of myself!  I mean, I still get lost in Flagstaff sometimes, but I was able to drive to an airport in a place I'd never been to pick someone up.  It made me happy.  And confident.  And my sister was very impressed that I did all that without GPS.  So go me.

The next morning, my sister and Jen left super early to get ready for the wedding, so Stevie (another friend of my sister's who came with us) and I were in charge of Austin.  We had breakfast at the hotel (Austin prayed over the meal and thanked Jesus that Stevie and I were there to take him to breakfast, it was very sweet).  Then we all got ready for the wedding, which involved multiple texts from my sister to make sure I was actually getting Austin ready.  The three of us and Jen's boyfriend had to take a cab out to the Airforce base where the wedding was, which was interesting.  The driver told us a bunch of the history of the base, which was cool, but it was a long drive that cost $55, which was less fun.

The chapel on the base, where the ceremony was, is a really beautiful place.  I had Austin write I love you and his name in the guest book, it was cute.  The ceremony was really pretty, very traditional and elegant; I really liked the chaplain who officiated.  My sister (and all the bridesmaids, a lot of whom I know through her and Shannon) looked amazing, and Shannon was just a stunning bride.  I definitely cried during the ceremony, not just because it was a wedding, but because I was watching someone I've known since she was a little kid get married.  Weird, but in a good way.  I'm very, very happy for Shannon and her husband.  They definitely seem like a good fit.

After the ceremony the 4 of us who took the cab together got a ride back to our hotel with one of my sister's friends, Lindsey.  I'd never met her before that day (at least not that I remembered, but she said we were introduced once a long time ago at my sister's in Kingman), but she was very nice, and I was glad for the ride because I definitely didn't want to either wait for my sister to be finished with pictures or shell out another $55 for a cab ride!  My sister did pick us up for the reception, though.

The reception was fun, we sat with some nice people who are friends of Shannon's husband.  The food was good (Austin said to my sister, "This is what you should make at home, Mom!").  My sister gave a very nice MoH speech that made me cry.  And then at some point the whole thing turned into a rave, and I just . . . well, it's just not my kind of thing.  I don't like loud music or strobe lights or drunk people, so I was a little out of my comfort zone.  I did dance, a little, when forced to by the bride haha, but that was about it.  In retrospect, I wish I'd been a little more confident and had more fun, but I am who I am so oh well.  We finally left, which, for me, involved playing DD (joy).  I was in such a shitty mood by then I almost felt bad but whatever, it had been a long night, my shoes hurt, and again, I don't like hauling around drunk people.  It was an amazing feeling to finally get back to our hotel (which took awhile because I didn't have directions and everyone I was with was too drunk to help me) and go to bed.  My sister went to the after party, and I vaguely remember her stumbling in at like 2 AM, but aside from that, I was freaking out.

The next morning I took Austin swimming for a little while, then I took a walk around the neighborhood where our hotel was.  It's the downtown area, so it's a really old, really residential area, and I wanted to see it.  I looked at some pretty houses and met a cat who lived at one of them, he came over the fence and let me pet him.  Later we actually went over to Shannon's house to visit her and say goodbye.  She has a pet hedgehog that I got to hold, so that was exciting.  (I want a hedgehog SO bad, but you have to have a wildlife license to own one in AZ).  We had a nice visit, then had dinner at Applebees and went back to our hotel to pack and get ready to leave the next day.

Monday we got up early so we could go to the Garden of the Gods before we left for Denver, which was definitely worth it.  It was beautiful, and it was something I was hoping to see while we were there.  I took a bunch of pictures that I don't really feel like posting, but it was just lovely.  We stopped for coffee at Starbucks and then got on the road back to Denver.  We made really good time, got to the airport and returned the rental car, got to the terminal and made it through security a full two hours before our flight was scheduled to take off.  So we had a nice sit down lunch and felt pretty dang proud of ourselves.  After lunch we went souvenir shopping in the airport shops, then went to our gate to wait for our flight.  This was the point where everything started to go downhill.

About 20 minutes after we were supposed to start boarding, just as we were starting to wonder why we weren't on the plane yet, they announced that the flight was delayed by 2 hours.  Apparently, the plane was flying Seattle to Denver, and was held up because of bad weather in Seattle.  So we killed 2 hours doing basically nothing, and finally got on the plane.  (Side note: the guy I was sitting next to told Jen and I about how once, years ago, his flight out of Dallas got grounded after he was already on the plane, and he sat in the plane on the runway for 6 hours . . . so I guess our little delay wasn't all that bad).  By the time we boarded it was looking pretty stormy out in Denver, and the take off was rough.  The first half of the flight was pretty rough too, with lots of patches of turbulence, which was a little nerve wracking.  Plus the cabin lights wouldn't stay off or on for awhile, they just flickered, which made for a pretty spooky/ominous atmosphere.  The landing in Vegas was rough too, so the whole flight home experience was not great.  And stepping out into the Vegas heat (it was 103 degrees out when we landed) after spending 4 days in 70 degree weather was just . . . blech.

We drove back to Kingman, where things continued to go wrong: within 20 minutes of being back at my sister's, we had to take one of her dogs to an emergency vet.  Long story that involved me having to find an ATM, but the dog thankfully is fine, she just had a concussion.  By this time it was almost 9:30 PM, and I finally made it to my mom's and picked up my dogs (who were just delighted to see me).  I had planned to visit my dad, but by then I figured he was asleep so I was just going to go home, but my mom mentioned he had been waiting up for me, so I ended up going to his house and was there for probably about 45 minutes.  It was nice to see him, and we had a nice visit.  He just got back from a trip to visit his family in Ohio, so we got to talk about that and I told him about the Denver trip.

I stopped and got gas and finally, at around 10:30, got on the road home.  I got on the 40 East at Andy Devine (like always), and went maybe half a mile, and then traffic was completely stopped.  Like, completely stopped.  I was literally parked on the effing highway.  I texted Jerbs (she was home in Flag by then) and asked her to look online and see what was up.  Apparently, a couple miles up the road from where I was, there had been a vehicle on fire, so crews were working on that.  Traffic started moving again (VERY slowly) around 11:20, but one lane was still closed so between the merging and the huge amount of back up (mostly semis), it was about another 20 minutes before I was actually driving at highway speed.  I finally got home around 1:30 AM, and I don't think I've ever been so grateful to see Flagstaff or my crappy little apartment.  I walked in, set up the dogs' bed, gave Jerbs a hug, and just fell into bed.  It was glorious.  I woke up this afternoon and ordered a pizza and felt very very grateful that I thought to take today off, because no way could I have functioned at work today.

Overall, it was a good trip, and I'm glad I went and I appreciate my sister booking the flight and hotel and everything.  I do have to say that, as much as I love my sister, she and I are just drastically different people, and 4 straight days together with very little time apart really brings that out.  I don't necessarily think that she and I make good traveling buddies.  As for flying, I didn't mind it, and I'm glad that now I at least know how to fly, like I know how to get around an airport and all that, which I'm sure is a useful skill to have.  But I have to say it wasn't my favorite, I think because so much of it is hurry up and wait, y'know?  Like waiting in line at security, then waiting in line at the gate, then waiting in line for the rental car . . . just too much down time.  It makes me feel like I'm wasting time, somehow, so I think I'll stick to road trips when I'm able to.  But that's just me.

I will say that seeing my sister and Jen as bridesmaids made me even more excited to be in Theresa's wedding this fall!

Christmas 2014

All in all, I had a lovely Christmas this year.

I spent it in Kingman, with my family, and Jerbs got to come, which is always nice.  In the weeks before Christmas I was unhappy because most of my co-workers took Christmas Eve off, and I didn't want to have to be at work all day and not get to Kingman until late.  Then on the 23rd, our medical director decided that billing didn't need to be there on Christmas Eve, so we all got the day off.  I was beyond thrilled, and knowing I could spend more time at home definitely improved my Christmas spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we slept in a little, then loaded up the car, and were in Kingman by 4 PM.

I got to see my mom's new house, and it's super cute!  It has a huge backyard, and I'm just so glad to see her and my sister and aunt living in a nice place that's got room for all of them.  It makes me happy.  We spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and we skipped our usual tradition of driving around to look at Christmas lights and just hung out and ate pizza.  When I told Austin it was Jerbs' birthday, he made her the sweetest little card, it was precious!  I took my parents home, then Jillian and I both spent the night at Jenny's house with Austin.  I read The Night Before Christmas to Austin, and then he was out.  I wrote the letter from Santa (my sister teased me for it taking like 6 drafts, but it's a freaking letter from Santa, it has to be perfect!).  

Christmas morning Austin tore through his Santa gifts (as usual, he was beyond spoiled), and I went back to bed in my sister's room.  That afternoon, I went and had lunch at Golden Corral with Jerbs' family (grandma, her parents, her aunts and uncles . . . it was a huge group).  That was really nice, and it was the first time I'd seen Josh since his car accident back in September; he looked so good, and it was a relief.

We did our family Christmas later that afternoon, since my dad had to work.  It was really, really nice, with no bickering or anything like that.  Everyone loved what I got them, and I got some nice gifts as well.  I honestly didn't want to leave for Flagstaff, but Jerbs had to work yesterday so we had to.  I was hoping to come back to snow, but that didn't happen.  The funniest thing was how happy Hollie was to be home, we let her into the apartment and she went STRAIGHT to her dog bed, curled up, and fell asleep.  She's such a weird dog.

Today I've done absolutely nothing, and it's been glorious.  I'm loving this extra time off from work, it's nice to have a break.

So overall, a good Christmas.  I was worried because of how my visit on Halloween went, but I had a really good time.  I loved seeing my family, and I miss them.  It wasn't perfect; this whole holiday season has stung a little, for the obvious/usual reasons.  I find myself looking forward to the new year, even if it brings me that much closer to being 30.

Climb To Conquer Cancer 2014

Yesterday was the Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I'm proud to say that I was able to make it all the way to the top of the mountain again!

Like last year, it was a great, great experience.  I don't know what it is about the Climb that I love so much, but I do.  I think it's a combination of the beautiful scenery, the pride that comes from being able to do something so physically demanding, and knowing that I did it for a good cause.  This year, my sister came up for it again; she brought Austin, but his dad and grandparents were also doing it, so he walked with them.  Last year, a few of my sister's friends participated, as did some of my co-workers, but this year it was just me and Jenny.  That was kind of strange at first, but then I realized that I couldn't actually remember the last time I spent time with her one on one (either Jerbs, one of Jenny's friends, or Austin is always with us).  So it was actually really nice, and I was glad that we got to kind of catch up and all that.  Jenny and I are just drastically different people, that's undeniable, but I do love her.  Last year she finished ahead of me, this year we were at about the same pace.  Last year I felt like I was going to die the last 3 miles, this year I didn't really feel too bad until about the last mile.  That made me happy, because while I haven't really accomplished any major weight loss or anything in the past year, I definitely feel like I got into better shape.  This year I was better prepared, too.  Last year I took a couple water bottles with me, and when we got to the top all I wanted was cold water, and there wasn't any.  No ice, no cold water, nothing like that at the top.  So this year I froze a water bottle the night before and threw it in my back pack and let it melt during the hike . . . it made the experience much better!  We saw Austin at the top, and he told us he made it 5 miles and then took the bus to the top.  I think that's pretty dang impressive for an almost 6 year old!

Mile signs.  I don't know why there wasn't one for mile 7.  Last year there
was a big half way point sign, but not this year.

The pictures I took from the top.  Can't beat that view!

After the Climb we went to Starbucks and then took naps at my house (which was hilarious, because my sister is absolutely not the napping type, but she crawled into Jerbs' bed and fell asleep), then went to the mall and a few other places around town.  Austin was off camping with his dad, so it was just us.  We had dinner with some of her friends at Granny's (I think the last time I was there was like 9 years ago with my sorority, so it was a little weird).

Today she brought Austin by and I gave him his presents from Comic-Con, and they left a little bit ago.  I miss them already!  

I'm really glad I thought to take tomorrow off, because I don't plan on doing shit today.  

So that's that!  I'm looking forward to the 2015 Climb!

Independence Day 2014

I'm just going to go ahead and say that this was not my best 4th of July.

I was supposed to go to Kingman.  Which I'd been planning to do since that whole trip in May fell through, thanks to my sister.  And I told my sister, in May, that I would be there for Independence Day weekend.  But I got a call from my mom on the 2nd to tell me that my sister was going out of town and Austin was going to his dad's for the weekend.  Needless to see I was absolutely livid, and I'm at a point where I'm really just done trying to have a relationship with my sister.  But that's a whole other thing.

So since I wasn't going to Kingman, Jerbs and I met up with my parents and my other sister in Seligman for lunch.  It was very nice to see them, and we had a good time.

BUT I got pulled over on the way to Seligman.  I was going 91 in a 75.  I just got a warning and it really wasn't a big deal, but after he gave me the warning the Highway Patrol douche asked if Jerbs was my daughter.  My DAUGHTER.  I was so upset . . . that was definitely a blow my self esteem didn't need.  So up yours, Highway Patrol douche.

Then when we got back to Flag, we decided to take the dogs up to the pond.  It's monsoon season so we've been getting a lot of rain, and the grass land around the pond was pretty much one big puddle.  We usually stay on the cement path so it shouldn't have been an issue.  We were about a quarter of the way around the pond and had come to a spot where the sprinklers were running, so it was really wet and muddy off the path.  But there were ducks hanging out on the grass and naturally, Hollie went after them.  Like just WENT.  And since I was holding her leash I went with her, and before I knew it I was flat on my back in a giant mud puddle.  A puddle made of mud that is made of dirt, reclaimed water, and duck shit.  It.  Was.  Disgusting.

Needless to say we didn't finish our walk.  We came home so that I could take a shower.  And clean off my shoes.  And clean off my keys, sunglasses, and the lead to Hollie's leash.  Seriously, it was gross.

But then there were fireworks, which there weren't last year, so that was nice.  We watched them from our porch, and that was that.

Again, not the best 4th.  But I did have a 3 day weekend and that's always nice.  Silver lining, I suppose.  I'm just hoping that next year doesn't involve law enforcement or getting covered in mud.

Christmas 2013

Oh, Christmas.  I was both really really looking forward to it and really really dreading it this year.  I'm glad it's over but at the same time I'm so depressed to be back in Flagstaff, and I wish I could live yesterday again.  I'm really torn over it, because I love my family and I miss them so freaking much but good Lord they all drive me insane sometimes.

Mostly the petty arguing.  There are only 5 people in my family (5 adults, I'm not counting Austin) and we all have quick tempers.  Sometimes we all just get a little snippy with one another, and I think I'm just not used to it anymore since I don't live it everyday, y'know?  But still, I had a good time, and I was happy to see everyone.

On Monday, I had to work, which royally sucked.  I went in early and took a short lunch and was able to leave a little early.  Then I came home and had to give Benji a bath and get the car all loaded up and all that, so we ended up leaving later than intended.  We got to Kingman around 9 PM, I believe.  Hung out with my mom and Jill and Austin, went to Jerbs' house and gave her parents their gifts, hung out with Austin some more, etc.  (OMG, Max was SO excited to see Austin!  He completely flipped his shit, it was hilarious).  After Austin went to bed I was so ready to crash, but my sister made me stay up and wrap Santa gifts with her.  (I am awesome at gift wrapping, her . . . not so much).  It was fun, though.  It's kind of cool to share these experiences as adults, if that makes sense--helping her play Santa for her kids when we used to wait up for Santa together.  It's a sentimental full circle thing, I suppose.

Then I went to bed, and on Christmas Eve, we did some shopping and just kind of hung out at my sister's house.  That evening the whole family went out to look at Christmas lights.  We all managed to fit in my car--my dad was a trooper and sat in "the hatch"--and it was fun.  There are always some really good light displays in Kingman.

After that we went back to my sister's and we all got to open one gift (Christmas Eve tradition).  Austin chose the big gift I brought him, which was the blanket I made him in a box.  This is when things started going downhill, because he was visibly disappointed that it was a blanket and not a big fancy toy.  Like, his face fell.  It was upsetting.  Not necessarily because it hurt my feelings, which is whatever, but because it's sad to see how spoiled he is and how rude he is sometimes.  I mean, I know he's only 5 but still.  A little disheartening.

After he was in bed my sisters and I put out all the Santa gifts and I made it look like Santa ate his cookies and all that, and I wrote Austin's Santa letter.  When I was a kid, every Christmas, "Santa" left my sisters and I a note, basically thanking us for the cookies and reindeer treats and telling us to keep being good, etc.  I love writing the ones for Austin, because my hope is that someday, when he's older and knows that I wrote them, he'll re-read them and hear things I wanted to say to him, if that makes sense.

Man, that kid got spoiled for Christmas.  He got a 32 inch TV and an internet tablet.  I just . . . I don't even really know how to say.  I didn't really enjoy watching him on Christmas morning.  He just tore through everything in like 15 minutes, and just . . . I don't know.  To me, a flat screen TV and a tablet are 110% unnecessary for a freaking 5 year old.  I don't like it.  I understand that my sister has money, and we didn't growing up, and I'm sure she also feels guilty about being a single mom who works a lot or whatever, but still.  I feel like when we were kids there was a much deeper meaning to Christmas.  We weren't a religious family, and we always got presents from Santa, but we were also always taught that Christmas was a time to be with family and love each other and be grateful for what we had.  And to give as well, because I remember always giving donations to the food bank at Christmas time and taking kids' names off the angel trees.  Austin's getting none of that.  No gratitude, no family appreciation, no giving spirit, just be marginally well behaved and get shit loads of expensive toys.  It's depressing, and I don't agree with how he's being brought up.  

But that's just me.  I'm not his mother.  And he is a good kid, but still, it all seemed like overkill.

He did like the Santa letter, though, and hopefully, someday, that'll mean something to him.

After the super quick gift opening, I went back to bed in my sister's room, because I was exhausted and it was early and I had to drive back to Flag that night.  I think my sisters were a little annoyed with me but I wasn't going to risk crashing my car on the way home!

My parents came over later in the afternoon, after my dad was off work, and we exchanged gifts.  I was surprised because one sister got me the nail lamp I wanted, and my mom and other sister got me this personalized pen that has my name on it and came in a case engraved with a quote I like.  My family all liked their gifts as well, which is always nice.

Austin cried when I had to leave, which is always heartbreaking, but at the same time, I hope it taught him something.  He ignored me all day for his new toys and I kept telling him I'd be leaving soon and he shrugged it off, but once I was actually getting in the car he started bawling.  I hate to see him cry, but like I said, maybe this time it was a little bit of a lesson.  I picked up Jerbs and said good bye to her parents, and then we gassed up the car (for a LOT cheaper than here in Flag!) and headed home.

It was nice to get home.  Not nice to be away from my family, but nice to climb into my own bed and just relax.  I'm a homebody, and I like being in my own space.  

Needless to say, I didn't want to go to work today.  At all.  Going to Kingman always leaves me in a little bit of a funk.  Not in a good way or a bad way, just . . . a funk.  So I was a little off all day long.

But.  All in all I'd say this year was better than last year.  It was nice to be able to drive to Kingman and do the trip on my own terms, as opposed to last year with all the Greyhound drama.  It was nice to be able to actually give my family presents, because I actually have a job this year.  It was nice that Jerbs got to come, because she hasn't been home for Christmas in years.

And weirdly, one of the best things was that Benji was there.  I remember freaking out last Christmas about going home on the bus because I couldn't bring Benji, because I was totally convinced it was going to be his last Christmas, and I wanted to spend it with him.  I'm glad I was wrong, and this Christmas, I held him a lot and my family all held him, and it was nice.  I'm grateful that I got that.  I'm certain that this Christmas really was his last, and I've struggled with that a lot the past few days.  But that's for another post.

Goodnight!

K-Town & Austy's 5th(!) Birthday

This past weekend's trip to Kingman was really, really good.

I left on Friday (way later than I meant to) and got in a little before 7:00.  Austin was SO excited to see me!  That evening I took him out to dinner (at Cracker Barrel, his favorite), and Jillian joined us.  Then I took him to Hastings and let him pick out his birthday gifts.  The look on his face when I told him he could spend $40 for his birthday was priceless.  I know $40 is a lot . . . I think it was a combination of how cute that kid is and how guilty I felt about not visiting my family since June.  Anyway, he got Mario Yahtzee (I have no idea why) and this little science kit thing.  As he called it, he got "Mario Ahtzee and science!"

The next morning we went to Austin's soccer game, which was pretty hilarious.  Austin likes to kind of rev up when it's his turn to kick the ball in, so he starts running from way back at the goal net and then kicks.  It's just fantastic, and by the end of the game all the kids on his team were doing it.  Afterwards I took Jillian to lunch at Chipotle (because they opened one in Kingman, which is so weird!) and we talked about her plans for the future, which was nice.  Jillian is one of those people who's got a great head on her shoulders but just needs to figure out how to use it, and I think she's making progress.

And then it was time for Austin's birthday party!  My sister has gotten a lot smarter about throwing little kid parties, so this year, we had it at this park near my mom's house, and had cupcakes instead of a cake.  It was fun, and Max was in heaven with all these little kids wanting to pet him and love on him.  Afterwards I helped Austy build some of the Legos he got for his birthday.  Austin is always endlessly impressed with my Lego skills, which makes me happy.

Sunday morning my sister was working so Austin had to go to daycare, so we said goodbye before he left since I was anticipating leaving before he'd be out of daycare.  I went to my dad's and we visited and he changed the oil in my car (woohoo!), and then I went back to my sister's and took a nap.  By the time I woke up it was afternoon and I decided to stick around and pick Austin up from daycare as a surprise.  The look on his face when I walked in was amazing.  He said, "Auntica, I thought you were going home!"  And I said, "I was, but then I decided I'd rather hang out with you some more instead!"  He was so excited.  We went to this frozen yogurt place he likes (I don't actually know the name of it, but it's by Home Depot) and got some frozen yogurt.  They have board games there that you can play and Austin got all excited when he saw they had Yahtzee, so we played that while we ate our yogurt.  It was just lovely.

Afterwards I took Austin to my mom's, hung out for a little while, and then had to leave.  Poor Austin was so sad, he was crying his sweet little eyes out because he didn't want me to leave.  It was pretty heart wrenching.  I hate hearing him cry.  I think how I feel about Austin is probably the closest I'll ever get to maternal instinct, so it was hard.  I just love him so much.

So now I'm back in Flagstaff, dealing with fun new crap at work and missing my family.  This visit was probably the best one I've had since the breakup, and that makes me happy.

I wish Austin could stay this age forever.  I wish he could spend his whole life thinking the world was bounce houses, Legos, and people who love him unconditionally and without reserve.  But since he can't, I just want to remember that right now, he is this perfect distillation of joy and energy and good all contained in a gangly, grinning little boy.

That Saturday I Climbed A Mountain

Yesterday was the 2013 Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I am very, very proud to say that I participated and finished the climb successfully!

That basically means that I walked from the base of the San Francisco peaks to the entrance of Snow Bowl--a distance of about 7 miles that is uphill the entire way.

I won't lie, it was hard.  And painful.  And there were definitely a couple times that I seriously considered throwing in the towel and jumping on one of the buses that kept driving by to the top (which you were supposed to do if you had to).  Near the top my calves were numb and I felt like I was going to barf, but I made myself keep going, and I'm glad I did!  Crossing the finish line was a great feeling.

My sister and a couple of her friends were also walking, so I spent a good amount of time with them.  It wasn't until after the first mile post that I saw one of my co-workers, and I ended up walking with her the rest of the way.  It was definitely a bonding experience, and I was happy to get to know her better.  We saw a few other people from work along the way and then again at the very end.  My sister and the friend she walked with finished a few minutes before me and my co-worker, and my sister's other friends finished a little behind us.  All in all it was about a 3 hour hike.  Thankfully they had city buses waiting at the top and we got to ride back down the mountain.  While we were waiting in the bus line it started raining, and it poured the whole ride down.  It felt amazing to finally be able to sit down and rest and enjoy the view.

Driving back down that road was probably one of the coolest parts of the day, not just because it meant I was finished, but because going down all those steep curves and turns and thinking, "I just freaking WALKED up this!" was mind blowing.

Afterwards I took a good long nap (I only slept for 2.5 hours the night before the climb . . . good job, me), and woke up with the worst headache I'd ever had in my life.  And that's not an exaggeration . . . my head was throbbing and pounding and I was SO dizzy.  I barely dragged myself out of bed to go to dinner.  My legs, though, weren't sore at all.

Overall it was a great experience.  There were so many people there working their butts off for a good cause, and everyone was cheering each other on; it was very uplifting.  Plus I feel incredibly good about myself for accomplishing what I did.  I pushed my body physically and I succeeded, and afterwards I felt almost invincible.  It was an awesome feeling!  I feel like going into this next week I'm more motivated than EVER to get my body into shape and where I want it to be.  I'm definitely planning on some running and gym classes this week, provided that my body cooperates--ie, that I don't start feeling the climb in my legs.  (Knock on wood!)  It also just felt awesome to get out of the house on a Saturday and I kind of remember that I do actually enjoy doing outdoors-y stuff, and that I need to do it more.

I'm glad I participated in the climb, and even more glad that I was able to finish it.  I'm definitely planning on doing it next year!  Especially since I have a whole year to train before then!

Christmas 2012: Family Fun, Why Murphy's Law Should Be Called Jessica's Law, and I Did Something Sort Of Illegal

Oh, Christmas.  Where should I start?

Well, my travel plans ended up working out at the last minute.  My mom bought me a round trip bus ticket, so I traveled to Kingman on Christmas Eve, and planned to come back to Flag the day after Christmas.  It wasn't ideal, because Jerbs and Benji didn't get to come, but still, I was glad to get to go.

Christmas Eve, after my mom and sister (Jill) picked me up at the bus station, we went straight to Jenny's house.  Austin was SO excited to see me!  He screamed my name and threw his arms around my legs and said, "I've been missin' you Auntica!"  Too precious.  We ate dinner and then we did our family gift exchange, since my sister was working on Christmas day.  It was fun, and I got more than I felt I deserved, and I am grateful for a family that loves me.  I think the best part of the entire gift opening, though, was when my dad opened a present from Austin, and it was Austin's Power Rangers Samurai sword that he plays with ALL the time.  The WTF? look on my dad's face was beyond priceless, and my sister was cracking up and explained that Austin had absolutely insisted that that be a gift for my dad.  As Austin said, it was for next time he comes over to my dad's house.  Hilarious.

My sisters and I and Austin went to look at Christmas lights, and Austin was still awake when we got back to his house.  I read him 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (so fun) and once he was asleep we played Santa and put all of his gifts under the tree.  The big one was a Hot Wheels ride on quad.  When my sisters and I were kids, "Santa" always left us a note next to the empty cookie plate, so I wrote Austin a note from Santa. I loved doing that part, because I wanted to carry on that tradition a little bit.

My sister woke up at 4:30 AM to do presents (since she had to work at 7) and Austin was ecstatic.  He loved everything he got, especially the quad, and within 5 minutes he was riding it around the house.  It was fun to see him so happy.  Jill and I spent the day with Austin, and it was pretty much just watching him ride around on his quad.  He really loves that thing, and he was especially excited when he figured out how to make it go backwards.  He kept telling us, "It has versery to make it go backwards!"  

So Christmas night I got my stuff all packed and ready to go, and the morning after Christmas my mom picked me up to take me to the bus.  There were some small errands to run first, and with about 20 minutes until my bus left I realized I had left my ticket at my sister's house.  (I am a genius).  I tried to reprint it at my mom's but apparently when Greyhound says they'll email you a copy of the ticket for "just in case" situations, what they really mean is that it's available for 15 minutes after you buy it.  So I was stuck in Kingman until a solution could be figured out.  We picked Austin up from daycare early and I spent the day baby sitting him (which is pretty much always awesome).  That at least was a good thing--more time with the little munchkin.

Plan B for getting home was to see if I could just change the time on my return ticket or get a refund and buy a new one.  No on both of those.  Plan C was to have my sister drive me up on the 27th when she took Austin's to his dad--but she didn't want to do that.  At that point I was really ready to get home so plan D was to buy an online ticket for the 12:30AM bus and leave that night.  But for whatever reason online purchasing wasn't available for that trip.  Plan E was to buy by phone, but the guy at the service center (out of Mumbai) insisted that the only Kingman serviced by Greyhound was Kingman, KS . . . so that didn't go well.  Finally, Jerbs talked to the guy at the Flag bus station, who said that I could get on the bus in Kingman and give the driver my ID and just pay for the ticket once I got to Flag--aka, Plan F.  I wasn't too happy with Plan F because it meant using my Christmas money for another bus ticket but I wanted to get home.

So my sister took me to the station and waited with me until the bus arrived (45 minutes late).  Once she left and they were boarding, I tried to give the driver my ID but he wouldn't take it . . . he just let me on the bus and told me to pay when I got to Flagstaff.  I was like, that's responsible.

And here's where the law breaking comes in.  I called for a cab when I was about 10 minutes out of town and when I got to the station, by the time I was off the bus with all my stuff I only ended up waiting about 30 seconds for my cab (and another cab from the same company who was there picking someone up let me wait in his car).  Once my cab was there I jumped in and was like let's go.  So yep, I skipped out on paying for my bus ride home.  

I honestly don't feel too bad about it, because I had a round trip ticket to begin with.  Two trips were paid for, two trips were taken, so it balances out.  And really, if they just let people on the bus without doing something to ensure that they pay . . . well, not my fault.  So I only kind of did something illegal.

All in all, it was a good visit home, and Christmas itself wasn't as hard as I'd expected it to be.  I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about Corey at all, but I most definitely wasn't dwelling on it.  I just enjoyed getting to see my family and Austin.  The end of the trip, obviously, was very stressful, but it worked out better than expected in the end.

And really, all that stress was worth it to see this handsome dude.

Despite having had a better Christmas than expected, and despite not being as depressed as I'd thought I'd be, I'm relieved the holidays are over, and that I have a whole year to prepare for the next holiday season.

Just An Update

Four days until Christmas, and I still have zero holiday spirit.  I'm trying, I really am, but even with all the Corey crap aside, it just doesn't feel like the holidays this year.  I've got all my little ornaments ready to be given out and travel plans are somewhat finalized (so I get to go home, yay!) but . . . somehow it's all just making me anxious.  I think I know why (aside from what I've already said) and I need to vent about it but I'm not sure I'm ready to share it here yet.  I'm looking forward to going home but I'm also dreading it, just because there's so much to do before I leave and it stresses me out.  I also just kind of don't like being away from home, and right now, Jerbs' place is the closest thing to home I have, y'know?  But I'm sure it'll be fine. I feel like I'm kind of taking this year off.  I feel like next year at Christmas time I will definitely be more stable than I am now so I'll see how I feel about the holidays then.  Maybe that Christmas magic will come back, maybe it won't; maybe I'll be with him, maybe I won't.  Either way, I'll be in a more defined place than I am now.  If I get back into the Christmas spirit, I plan on starting over--saving the most sentimental/meaningful ornaments and stuff in my (extensive) Christmas collection and donating the rest, just so that it's all MINE, not things I shared with him.  Even if he and I do get back together, I want to start over.  Keep nothing except the sentimental stuff from that bad part of our relationship.
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Last Friday (the 14th) my college BFF Theresa graduated college.  It was a very exciting day because she's basically been working towards her degree for 8 years (we started college the same year/semester).  Jerbs and I didn't get to see her after graduation but tonight we went out to dinner with her.  It was nice to see her, and we went to a restaurant Jerbs and I had never been to (which was delicious, BTW).  I love Theresa, and I'm so glad she's graduated and in a good relationship . . . in the almost decade we've known each other I've seen her go through a lot and I want nothing but happiness for her.  In a little more than a week she is moving to Salt Lake City, Utah, with her girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier for her.  (Plus . . . excuse to go to Utah and explore a little!!)  I'll probably write more about her graduation and stuff later.
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Things could be looking up in the employment area.  I'm not saying more until I know for sure but . . . please keep your fingers crossed for me!
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I bought new pants the other night (well, I bought half of them, Jerbs bought the other half) and I had to buy a size smaller than I expected.  That was a pleasant experience.  However, the downside was that the "short" pants (because I have tiny little midget legs) were actually a little too long for me.  How freaking sad is that???  I like being short but I wish my legs were a teeny bit longer.  Jerbs and I are the same height but her inseam is something like 4 inches longer than mine.
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**EDIT**
Travel plans ended up falling through so it looks like I'll be stuck in Flag for Christmas this year.

What Are We Up To?

I've been jogging.  (But more about that later).  I'm also feeling really bleh lately, not mentally but physically.  I'm sore all over (from the jogging and sleeping on the floor, I know, but it still sucks).  I also just feel weak a lot lately, and I've been having stomach issues.  Like I've had a lot of days recently where I'm really hungry but absolutely nothing sounds appetizing.  And my sleep schedule is still a disaster, and a messed up sleep schedule equals a messed up meds schedule.  I'm still taking everything I should, but the schedule needs to be a LOT more regular.  I'm working on it.  In good news, I won a $10 giftcard to JCPenney as part of their holiday buttons thingy.  I'm happy because I never win anything like that haha.

Jerbs is stoked because today was her last day of work before 12 days off.  She'd asked for this coming weekend off to go to a Mountain Goats concert and visit our friends, the Flicks, in Phoenix.  She had a bunch of vacation time that she needed to use up before the end of the year so she decided to do it now.  She is soooooo excited . . . today I watched her give money to 2 different charities at the mall, so yeah, she's pretty pleased.

Benji has been spending most of his time in his heating padded bed, and it's adorable.  He looks totally blissed out when he's in there.  He's stopped waking up and barking in the middle of the night too, so that's good.  (For awhile, every night around 3 AM he'd start barking for no reason . . . I think because he'd wake up to find himself alone and get scared, maybe?)  He actually ate some of his dog treats the other day; last time I tried to give him one he didn't eat it, and I assumed it was too hard for him, even thought it's a chewy treat.  But I guess not, so that was a relief.

Irene is just Irene.  She walks around like she owns the apartment and everything in it and that's just that.  She's been feisty with Ilya lately--they've had some pretty epic wrestling matches recently, and it's pretty entertaining.  She always seems to know when I'm watching something on TV, and she'll choose that moment to jump up on the TV stand and sit RIGHT in front of it.

Ilya is still scared of everything.  Some mornings when I'm in Jerbs' bed, she'll cuddle with me.  She crawls under the covers and everything, it's so sweet.  Other than that, she still likes to play with her gross little teddy bear and drown him in her water bowl, and almost once a day I step on it while it's wet.  It's disgusting but also kinda cute.

So that's what our odd little sorta family is up to at the moment!

A Much Better Trip To K-town

I went to Kingman this past weekend.  I was there from Friday until Monday.  I won't lie, I was a little apprehensive about going, just because my last visit sucked so badly.

But all the worry was mostly for nothing because I ended up having a great time in Kingman.  It was a good trip, and much, much better than the last time.

This time, I didn't have to rent a car or take the bus--my sister came and got me and brought me back.  I am so incredibly grateful to her for doing that, because it saved me a lot of trouble and a lot of money too.  Granted I felt a little like a loser needing such a long ride but whatever, I'm still happy I went.

I had a great time.  I spent most of my weekend with Austin and we had so much fun together.  We played monsters and Batman and I gave him a few baths (he's a fish and loves to play in the bath).  We watched TV together and played Buzz Lightyear games on the computer.  I wish I had the time and energy to write down all of the funny and cute and sweet things he did/said while I was there but since I don't, here are the highlights.

--He got to meet Irene, Jerbs' cat, and pet her.  It was really cute.  He also walked around my apartment picking up totally random items and asking if they were Auntie Jerbs's.  It was too funny.  We ended up bringing this flashlight thing and some Halloween hole punches to Kingman because he wanted to play with them.

--His concern with bringing Benji to Kingman, like wear Benji would sleep and whether or not he'd bite Dolce and get her dirty.

--He put Benji's bed near Dolce's then sat in between and read the dogs a bed time story.

--Him actually sleeping in the living room with me for TWO nights!  On Friday he slept on the little couch and on Saturday afternoon he informed me that I had to sleep on the little couch that night.  Needless to say, that didn't happen, but it was funny.

--Him telling his mom he needed a needle to hang something up in his room.

--Before they picked me up, his mom and my other sister had gone to the mall, and my sister had gotten him a few bday presents.  They were in the back of the car and when Austin saw them (as we were putting my stuff in) he said, "You bought me presents?  Nice mama!  Nice mama!"  Later that weekend she did something he didn't like and he said, "Bad mama!  Bad mama!"  Too funny.

--Him telling Shannon she needed to get out of the bounce house because she was too little to bounce with me, my sister, and Taryn, and helping her out of the bounce house.  Later he made Shannon put socks on to go back in the bounce house with him.
--Having a sword fight with him in the driveway, where he got a sword and I got two golf clubs.  It was pretty awesome.
--Taking him to Cracker Barrel for lunch on his birthday, where the servers sang happy birthday to him and gave him a piece of chocolate cake.  He was so adorably shy and embarrassed over it.
--Him insisting that the toy he wanted from the Cracker Barrel shop was a grabber.  Which he did get, and then proceeded to use to grab my dad by the wrist and lead him around the front yard while reassuring him that even though he was going to jail, he'd come get him when it got to dark time.
--Austin's horror when I suggested putting his pajamas on before it was "dark time."  (Sometimes I forget that not everyone wears sweats at home.)
--On our way out of town for the return trip we stopped for gas, and Austin and I went inside for a snack/drink.  Austin wanted an icee, and he made me mix all 4 flavors of icee they had.
--We dropped him off with his dad on our way to Flag and it was so hard to say good bye to him.  But we agreed we'd have another sleepover sometime soon.
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Non Austin related highlights . . .

My sister's driveway has a really steep, pretty long hill down to the street.  When Austin and I were sword fighting, he "got" me and I had to fall down, and on a whim, I rolled down the driveway.  Like stomach to back.  Seemed like a good idea at the time even if it was a little painful, and Austin was incredibly entertained, so it was worth it.  Well, I woke up on Monday sore as hell, and I'm having trouble moving my left shoulder.  Go me.

On Friday night Shannon (my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically consider my 3rd sister) let me drive her car to go get food for me and Saucy.  I was so touched.  I love Shannon, and I'm glad she and my sister are such good friends.

On Saturday night my sister and I had a long, painful conversation about some things that was actually pretty . . . I don't know, but definitely good.  It was nice to talk some things out and feel validated in some of the things I feel and have gone through.  It was nice to have someone believe me and not just write me off as crazy.  Plus it's nice to be able to have such a conversation with my sister, because honestly, we're not too close, and that's something I regret and that makes me sad.  It felt like a deeper connection for a while, and I liked that.

Sunday night I got depressed.  I just felt so sad that I had to leave, and I was going to miss Austin so much.  I cried a little.  I told Austin I loved him a lot, which I think he found strange, but whatever.  I just miss him and my family so much.

On Monday my sister and I shopped and had dinner together (with Jerbs too) at the mall before she left to go back to Ktown.  It was nice to hang out with her more one on one and just be able to talk.  Plus Jerbs and I showed her the Gangnam Style video before she left, and everyone should see that.

In a moment of epic failure I left my phone in Jenny's car, and of course didn't realize it until Jenny'd been gone almost 2 hours--which meant she was about in Kingman so there was zero chance she could bring me my phone.  My mom has it now and should mail it tomorrow . . . blergh.  I'm very annoyed with myself for that one.

So overall, it was a great trip.  I felt very at peace while I was there, and that whole depression/funk I'd been in lifted a lot.  But it was also a little sad, because it was a very very clear reminder that I want to be in Kingman.  That I miss that life a lot.  After Austin's party I thought about how glad I'd be if I were leaving with and going home with Corey, and it was just . . . kind of bittersweet, I guess.  I just felt wistful.  But I never broke down.

As for Corey and me, I did text him on Saturday, just to say that I was in town and I'd love to see him and to let me know if he wanted to hang out.  As far as I know he never texted me back (but I was having phone issues).  So that's that.  I'm still not giving up hope.  And the fact that I came back just fine even though I never heard from is a sign that I'm doing better, so I'm glad for that.

I got back to Flagstaff feeling determined.  I feel determined to get back to working on myself.  I'm going to get back to my diet and health stuff, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to try to get into counseling (no guarantee on that one though, just for financial reasons), I'm going to work on my grad school stuff and my writing.  I'm going to remain hopeful about Corey and me, because I still feel, in my heart, that we'll end up together.  I just have to be patient.

A Difficult Day

Halloween was hard for me.

I just felt very depressed that day.  It felt so strange to be in Flagstaff and by myself on Halloween.  I know that sounds stupid because Halloween . . . not a terribly sentimental holiday.  But I'm sentimental about everything and . . . well.

Halloween 2010 fell on a Sunday, and I spent that weekend in Chinle with Corey and his family.  It was the first time I'd visited Chinle in my life, and it was only the second time I met his family.  It was a wonderful weekend; I fit in so well with his family and I felt so welcomed by them.  And Corey was thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to get to know his family.  Halloween night we built a fire and handed out candy and I was introduced to a good chunk of family friends, and it just made me so happy.  On the drive back to Flagstaff Corey asked me if I could see myself living in Chinle and I didn't hesitate to say yes; that night, back in Flagstaff when we were going to bed, he asked me to marry him.  He'd asked before ("for fun") and I always knew he meant it, but something about that particular night just felt even more so.  In a way I feel like that weekend was one of the ones that cemented our relationship.

Last year we spent Halloween in Kingman.  I baked sugar cookies shaped like ghosts and bats for his class, and after school we dressed up ourselves and Benji and went over to my mom's.  My mom lives in an area that's high traffic for trick or treaters (sidewalks, street lights, houses that are close together) and she usually gets about 300 kids.  My dad was there too, and of course my sister and Austin as Buzz Lightyear.  Corey and I handed out candy while my parents and sister took Austin out, and then we did a little trick or treating with Austin.  After all that Corey and I went home and watched Hocus Pocus and cuddled.

Halloween just feels like a milestone somehow and this year, we missed it.  It's not a happy though.  It makes me feel like shit.  And I just feel like if we missed this one we'll miss the rest of them too, and that it really is over.  And I'm sure people reading this might be like, it's been over, you idiot, but . . . well.  I'm not ready to give up hope yet, although this probably put me a little closer.

Halloween is also, at least in my opinion, the start of the holiday season--Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc.  Normally this is my favorite favorite favorite time of year.  I love it.  Normally I see all the Thanksgiving/Harvest and Christmas stuff at the store and get SO excited.  I think of all the things I want to do and decorations I want to put up.  I start looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to put up a Christmas tree . . . and last year those experiences were amazing because I shared them with Corey and it made me happy.  And this year . . . I want to skip it all.

But I'll elaborate on that later.

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In other news I'm going to Kingman this weekend for Austin's birthday.  He'll be 4 on Monday and his party's on Sunday, and my sister (his mom) is coming up tomorrow to pick me up (which is awesome).  I'm so excited, because I want to see Austin and my family, and I promised Austin I'd be there for his birthday back in June.  When I was packing and getting ready to leave, he asked when I was coming back; I told him I didn't know but that I'd definitely be back for his birthday--it made him so happy, and I'm happy I get to keep that promise.

I'm also a little apprehensive about it, just because of how crushing the last trip there ended up being.  But this time, I'm going in with no expectations--in fact, I didn't even tell Corey I'm coming.  I'm sure there's a bit of my subconscious that hopes to see him but I'm really not expecting to.

We'll see how it goes.  Hopefully I'll enjoy myself better this time around.  Which I know I will, because my sister got a bounce house for Austin's party . . . hard to be sad in a bounce house!

The Good Side of Kingman

--My mom and Jillian both read one of my short stories and loved it.

--Austin was so happy to see me!  When I called to say I was on my way, he was with Jillian, and when she told him I was on my  way, I could hear him bouncing around and screaming, "SHE'S ON HER WAY SHE'S ON HER WAY SHE'S ON HER WAY!" in the background.

--Austin sang the song Cowboys and Angels while playing his toy guitar for me.  Pricelessly adorable.

--Jenny, Jillian, Austin, and I all went to my dad's Friday evening to hang out and we played football.  It pretty much turned into a boys v. girls game, because Austin kept insisting the girls couldn't have the football.

--I bought Jillian white nail polish so she could have disgustingly bright neon nails with Celtic Sun.

--I stayed the night at my sister's and Austin was so stoked that we were going to have a sleepover.  He told me that we were going to have a sleepover and a nap-over.

--He was already asleep when I got to his house but when he woke up crying, I went to comfort him and I put his PJ's on him (he'd zonked out in the car so my sister didn't bother changing him because she didn't want to wake him up).

--I had a nice chat with Shannon, my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically think of as my 3rd little sister.

--Sleeping on my sister's couch was actually pretty wonderful, and her house was nice and quiet.  It was just nice to sleep on not an air bed for a night.  (I know, my life is super pathetic).

--Of course I woke up early to Austin talking very loudly in the kitchen . . . although when he actually came and "woke me up" he explained that he'd been tip-toeing so he wouldn't wake me up.  It was cute.

--He took the Halloween slap bracelet off my purse handle and was having fun playing with it so I said he could keep it.  In return he gave me a rubber green lantern bracelet.  I also currently have a pair of his shoes that he took off in my car.

--He asked me why the tutu I made Dolce (my sister's teacup chihuahua) was so fluffy, and I told him that was how tutus were.  So I showed him pictures of tutus online, and we looked at ballet dancing clips on YouTube.  (I am the educational aunt).

--Jenny, Shannon, Austin and I went down to BHC and had lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.  It was fun, even if Austin was a little grumpy until his food came.  While we were at lunch he found the bus map I keep in my purse and was totally fascinated by it, so I let him have that too.  When the waitress saw him looking at it she asked what it was and I told her I lived in Flagstaff; she mentioned that her mom just moved there, and Austin asked her if her mom had a bus map.

--Near the end of lunch Austin leaned over and asked me very quietly, "Are you sure you have to go back to Flagstaff?"  Broke. My. Damn. Heart.  I almost cried telling him that yes, I was sure.  BUT we decided that he'll come have a sleepover here with me sometime, which he's excited for.

--We went to Kohl's, where Austin and I looked at Christmas stuff while his mom and Shannon looked at clothes.  Austin told me that Santa was watching me and that he'd be mad at me if I bought too much Christmas stuff . . . right.

--That evening we went back to my dad's for a BBQ and more football and other Austin cuteness.  I love that kid so much.  It was hard to say goodbye to him.

It just feels so not fair sometimes that I'm not there.  But more on that later.

Another plus, even though it didn't happen in Kingman, is that Jerbs' cats have been very cuddly with me since I got back, and it's kind of sweet that they missed me.  (Especially Irene, and she's the antisocial one).