Today I had to call and cancel my appointment with my psychiatrist that was scheduled for Friday. It had been scheduled since May but the fact is that I can't afford the $125 it's going to cost. And I needed to have lab work done before this appointment anyway, but I couldn't afford that either so fuck it anyway, right? And Jenny can't help and no one in my family can help and obviously Corey's not an option anymore.
No lab work and no appointment means no medication refills. My antidepressants are gone and I have one week left of Lithium.
And it hit me: I can no longer afford treatment for my disorders. And until someone calls me for a full time job, I will not be able to afford treatment. (And untreated the chance of me getting a job are slim). And chances are, that phone call's not going to come, because I spent 2 years job hunting in this fucking town and got nothing so . . . yeah.
It is basically a death sentence. And that might sound overdramatic but it's actually the truth.
For 3 years I suffered without treatment and I was beyond miserable. I wanted to die every single die, each morning that I woke up I wondered why I had to live another day with my head the way it was. And even though I wasn't perfect on the Lithium I was doing a fuck of a lot better.
And now that's gone and I know based on a few med lapses over the past year and a half that all of that shit feels worse once you've gotten to be a little bit normal.
So . . . yeah. I'm terrified, I really am. I want my life and I want to get better and be well, but over and over and over the fates seem to be against me. And I know that this will end in my suicide. Maybe not right away, but . . . within the next year, I'm sure. I think I'm meant to die that way; I think it's meant to be in my hands. And y'know, it probably will be.
And this has nothing to do with Corey, really. I know very well that I could live my life without Corey, that if things didn't work out with me and him I would be well able to get over it and move on. The thing is, with these disorders out of control, there is no life to be lived, with or without Corey, and that is just the simple truth.
The bipolar and borderline make it impossible to live. Even with treatment they were hard to deal with; without treatment . . . well, I just can't imagine going back to that life and that much misery.
It is a strange feeling to suddenly know that you're going to die and how.
7.31.2012
7.29.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
Sometimes I feel so angry with you, because I think, I can't do this alone. I can't get better by myself. You promised to help me and I need your help. And I get angry because you decided you didn't want to help me, that you'd rather live your own life.
But then I remember that you did help me, and you tried to help me; you did everything you could for me. And I refused to let you. I refused to be helped. And you eventually realized that I'd never be able to get better with you and I the way we were.
That, really, is the point of this: I never would have gotten better while I was trying to focus on my relationship with you. I need to get better on my own.
And sometimes I think that it's unfair that I need to change who I am to be with you. But I know it's not wrong to ask someone to change the worst, most toxic parts of themselves, the part of themselves that is an illness. And I'm not getting better for you anyway--I'm getting better for me.
I just loved how willing you were to stand by me through the mental illness, and I hope that someday you're that willing to stand by me again.
Love,
Jessica
Sometimes I feel so angry with you, because I think, I can't do this alone. I can't get better by myself. You promised to help me and I need your help. And I get angry because you decided you didn't want to help me, that you'd rather live your own life.
But then I remember that you did help me, and you tried to help me; you did everything you could for me. And I refused to let you. I refused to be helped. And you eventually realized that I'd never be able to get better with you and I the way we were.
That, really, is the point of this: I never would have gotten better while I was trying to focus on my relationship with you. I need to get better on my own.
And sometimes I think that it's unfair that I need to change who I am to be with you. But I know it's not wrong to ask someone to change the worst, most toxic parts of themselves, the part of themselves that is an illness. And I'm not getting better for you anyway--I'm getting better for me.
I just loved how willing you were to stand by me through the mental illness, and I hope that someday you're that willing to stand by me again.
Love,
Jessica
The First Step
I'm starting to get a little frustrated. When I decided to move back to Flagstaff, I was pretty upbeat about it. I mean, I'm still heartbroken over the whole situation, but I thought, this'll be my chance to really get myself together. To really improve myself so that I can live my life with or without Corey. And I feel so READY to do all that, I feel so READY to finally get better once and for all.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
7.28.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
I miss you. More than anything, that's what I feel right now. For some reason I've just really been aware of it lately--how much I miss you and how strange it is to just not really have you in my life.
I won't lie, sometimes I feel bitter and angry towards you; sometimes I wish you were here just so I could yell at you for breaking my heart. I think of things sometimes and just get made. Like that it feels like a slap in the face that you dumped me on the last day of school; that you were like, you helped me get through the school year and now take a hike. That really, really fucking hurt. Or about how you promised to help me get better and then sent me away to do it by myself. (I know that's not right, because when you were willing to help me I wasn't willing to be helped, and I know that). Sometimes I think you just want someone who's perfect and I couldn't be perfect fast enough.
Sometimes I just wonder what went wrong. Because sometimes it still feels very unreal.
But at the end of the day I always still love you. And I still hope with all my heart that eventually we'll both be in a place where we can be together again. That's what I want.
The thing is, when we were together, even though I loved you and was sure, there was always this tiny part of my head that questioned whether or not it was really what I wanted. I think it was mostly just mental illness but every now and then I'd have a day where I'd wonder what it would be like if I weren't with you, if I weren't getting married, etc. It always went away but it bugged me that I thought those things at all, mental illness or no.
But the time apart from you has made me realize how much that is what I want. I want to be with you. I want to get married. I want to build a life with you and do all of the things we'd planned to do together. And I hope that on some level you still want that too.
I love you. Very much.
Love,
Jessica
I miss you. More than anything, that's what I feel right now. For some reason I've just really been aware of it lately--how much I miss you and how strange it is to just not really have you in my life.
I won't lie, sometimes I feel bitter and angry towards you; sometimes I wish you were here just so I could yell at you for breaking my heart. I think of things sometimes and just get made. Like that it feels like a slap in the face that you dumped me on the last day of school; that you were like, you helped me get through the school year and now take a hike. That really, really fucking hurt. Or about how you promised to help me get better and then sent me away to do it by myself. (I know that's not right, because when you were willing to help me I wasn't willing to be helped, and I know that). Sometimes I think you just want someone who's perfect and I couldn't be perfect fast enough.
Sometimes I just wonder what went wrong. Because sometimes it still feels very unreal.
But at the end of the day I always still love you. And I still hope with all my heart that eventually we'll both be in a place where we can be together again. That's what I want.
The thing is, when we were together, even though I loved you and was sure, there was always this tiny part of my head that questioned whether or not it was really what I wanted. I think it was mostly just mental illness but every now and then I'd have a day where I'd wonder what it would be like if I weren't with you, if I weren't getting married, etc. It always went away but it bugged me that I thought those things at all, mental illness or no.
But the time apart from you has made me realize how much that is what I want. I want to be with you. I want to get married. I want to build a life with you and do all of the things we'd planned to do together. And I hope that on some level you still want that too.
I love you. Very much.
Love,
Jessica
9816 Ways to Suck
I need to vent about work.
So. First of all, it took the corporate office 2 weeks to get my transfer put through, so I lost 2 weeks of work and money. That sucks.
Last week I finally got to start working. On my second shift, which was a Lifestyles shift, I was doing the hardware audit and I was in the back room counting stuff. While I was back there the store manager and the books manager were also there, working on whatever. And they were chatting, at first about just random stuff. Then, to my surprise, their conversation turned into just a long series of them bashing other employees. The books manager kept talking about how she's going to make people cry and blah blah blah. And the store manager was just laughing and encouraging here, and they seriously spent like 20 minutes making fun of and insulting other employees.
I was horrified. It's unprofessional for them to do that to begin with; it's even more unprofessional for them to do it at the store. But it's insanely unprofessional of them to do it in front of a CSA--a CSA who's new to the store no less! It was just a really uncomfortable situation. I have absolutely no respect for either of them now, and I worry what they say behind my back when I'm not around. I really, really don't like that.
And probably as an extension of that kind of attitude, there is no sense of a team in that store. There's no sense that any of the associates have each others' backs, if that makes sense. I mean, the store here is very disorganized and unstructured, but that's been the case forever, so I was expecting that. I can handle that (although I will say it's worse than I've ever seen it at this point). But in the past, there at least was a good crew, and I had friends to work with. I trusted the people I work with. And I went into this with an attitude of optimism, thinking I'd be nice and try to make friends with my co-workers and whatever. But now I have no desire to befriend any of them. In fact, my gut instinct is to just flat out not trust a single one of them. Now, I have never, at any of my jobs, liked every single one of my co-workers, and I think that's normal--you can't get along perfectly with everyone. But I've never walked into a place of work and just thought--not a single one of these people could be my friend. It's really, really depressing. So I just kinda do my job, and I document the shit out of everything I do because I know that anyone who works there would throw me under the bus to avoid taking blame for something they did.
So this past Thursday I had another LS shift. When I got there there were 3 cars and one shopping cart of just random crap all around the music/video desk, and the desk itself was covered in stuff too. It was all totally random--jewelry, barware, novelty, CD's, a little bit of everything. I had no clue why it was even there. And of course there was nothing left for me in the notebook so I didn't know what the hell to do with it. I decided to just stock it, but first I had to do the hardware audit, and the planner pages said to do a New to Used purge. So my plan was: hardware audit, purge, stock/straighten. The audit and purge took up until lunch, so I left. When I came back, there was a nasty note for me waiting on the desk from the books manager (who was until recently the Lifestyles manager) basically saying that I needed to make a serious dent in the stuff around the desk after lunch and that high price high shrink electronics were not to be on the desk, and that I needed help. So I had no clue what the electronics shit was that she was talking about but I noticed a second later that there was a portable DVD player and a netbook sitting out on the desk. Well, I knew for a fact that they hadn't been there when I went to lunch--they really weren't, I have a picture of the desk from before I went to lunch (I seriously wanted to document how messy it was). So needless to say I went and found the BM and told her what had happened (and natch, she told me to find out who did it and make them cry . . . she's such a lovely fat woman). I also explained to her that I was planning to stock the stuff around the desk but I'd wanted to do the purge first since it was the day's assignment and she just looked at me like I was nuts. And as she was leaving I made some offhand comment about how random all the stuff on the carts was, and she kinda rolled her eyes and was all, well, Lifestyles isn't my department anymore so I really don't know about that mess. I was like IF IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING DEPARTMENT ANYMORE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LET ME WORK IN IT, YOU FAT COW. And of course I can't complain to anyone about her because as I've seen her and the store manager are best bitches so yeah. Screwed there.
Then tonight I had a video shift. The manager had left a note to alpha rental TV and rental special interest, which is whatever. But next to the note was a second note that said "in alpha, do 2 letters and" and it was scratched out. Then beneath it was a note that said "ask [store manager] about alpha." I was like what the fuck? What did I do the last time I alpha'd that was so freaking bad? Needless to say I did not ask anyone about how to alpha (he was out sick . . . but if he'd been there I still wouldn't have asked).
Then after I clocked out I printed next week's schedule and I am getting a whopping 12 and a quarter hours, which I know is because I'm being punished for changing my availability because I don't have a car.
Add all that to the fact that between tonight and tomorrow night I'm spending $40 in cab fare to get home because I'm scheduled outside of my availability and I am NOT a happy camper.
Seriously, this store is a flipping joke.
So. First of all, it took the corporate office 2 weeks to get my transfer put through, so I lost 2 weeks of work and money. That sucks.
Last week I finally got to start working. On my second shift, which was a Lifestyles shift, I was doing the hardware audit and I was in the back room counting stuff. While I was back there the store manager and the books manager were also there, working on whatever. And they were chatting, at first about just random stuff. Then, to my surprise, their conversation turned into just a long series of them bashing other employees. The books manager kept talking about how she's going to make people cry and blah blah blah. And the store manager was just laughing and encouraging here, and they seriously spent like 20 minutes making fun of and insulting other employees.
I was horrified. It's unprofessional for them to do that to begin with; it's even more unprofessional for them to do it at the store. But it's insanely unprofessional of them to do it in front of a CSA--a CSA who's new to the store no less! It was just a really uncomfortable situation. I have absolutely no respect for either of them now, and I worry what they say behind my back when I'm not around. I really, really don't like that.
And probably as an extension of that kind of attitude, there is no sense of a team in that store. There's no sense that any of the associates have each others' backs, if that makes sense. I mean, the store here is very disorganized and unstructured, but that's been the case forever, so I was expecting that. I can handle that (although I will say it's worse than I've ever seen it at this point). But in the past, there at least was a good crew, and I had friends to work with. I trusted the people I work with. And I went into this with an attitude of optimism, thinking I'd be nice and try to make friends with my co-workers and whatever. But now I have no desire to befriend any of them. In fact, my gut instinct is to just flat out not trust a single one of them. Now, I have never, at any of my jobs, liked every single one of my co-workers, and I think that's normal--you can't get along perfectly with everyone. But I've never walked into a place of work and just thought--not a single one of these people could be my friend. It's really, really depressing. So I just kinda do my job, and I document the shit out of everything I do because I know that anyone who works there would throw me under the bus to avoid taking blame for something they did.
So this past Thursday I had another LS shift. When I got there there were 3 cars and one shopping cart of just random crap all around the music/video desk, and the desk itself was covered in stuff too. It was all totally random--jewelry, barware, novelty, CD's, a little bit of everything. I had no clue why it was even there. And of course there was nothing left for me in the notebook so I didn't know what the hell to do with it. I decided to just stock it, but first I had to do the hardware audit, and the planner pages said to do a New to Used purge. So my plan was: hardware audit, purge, stock/straighten. The audit and purge took up until lunch, so I left. When I came back, there was a nasty note for me waiting on the desk from the books manager (who was until recently the Lifestyles manager) basically saying that I needed to make a serious dent in the stuff around the desk after lunch and that high price high shrink electronics were not to be on the desk, and that I needed help. So I had no clue what the electronics shit was that she was talking about but I noticed a second later that there was a portable DVD player and a netbook sitting out on the desk. Well, I knew for a fact that they hadn't been there when I went to lunch--they really weren't, I have a picture of the desk from before I went to lunch (I seriously wanted to document how messy it was). So needless to say I went and found the BM and told her what had happened (and natch, she told me to find out who did it and make them cry . . . she's such a lovely fat woman). I also explained to her that I was planning to stock the stuff around the desk but I'd wanted to do the purge first since it was the day's assignment and she just looked at me like I was nuts. And as she was leaving I made some offhand comment about how random all the stuff on the carts was, and she kinda rolled her eyes and was all, well, Lifestyles isn't my department anymore so I really don't know about that mess. I was like IF IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING DEPARTMENT ANYMORE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LET ME WORK IN IT, YOU FAT COW. And of course I can't complain to anyone about her because as I've seen her and the store manager are best bitches so yeah. Screwed there.
Then tonight I had a video shift. The manager had left a note to alpha rental TV and rental special interest, which is whatever. But next to the note was a second note that said "in alpha, do 2 letters and" and it was scratched out. Then beneath it was a note that said "ask [store manager] about alpha." I was like what the fuck? What did I do the last time I alpha'd that was so freaking bad? Needless to say I did not ask anyone about how to alpha (he was out sick . . . but if he'd been there I still wouldn't have asked).
Then after I clocked out I printed next week's schedule and I am getting a whopping 12 and a quarter hours, which I know is because I'm being punished for changing my availability because I don't have a car.
Add all that to the fact that between tonight and tomorrow night I'm spending $40 in cab fare to get home because I'm scheduled outside of my availability and I am NOT a happy camper.
Seriously, this store is a flipping joke.
7.27.2012
Lately . . .
I feel like a total slacker.
I don't know what's with me but my thoughts feel totally scattered and unfocused, that lost feeling is creeping back, and I am constantly drained of energy. Like even if I've done absolutely nothing I feel dead--I feel exhausted and my limbs feel heavy and I feel like I can hardly move.
I guess I kinda DO know what's with me. I should be starting my that time of the month pretty quick here and that always effs with me. I have PMDD and it blows. I don't know why God didn't think that bipolar and borderline were enough for me . . . ahem.
I have a lot I want to write about, I've had a lot on my mind lately, but like I said, it all feels so random and scattered that I don't have the energy to make into a coherent/cohesive journal entry. I can't even really make it into coherent thoughts.
Once again . . . patience.
I don't know what's with me but my thoughts feel totally scattered and unfocused, that lost feeling is creeping back, and I am constantly drained of energy. Like even if I've done absolutely nothing I feel dead--I feel exhausted and my limbs feel heavy and I feel like I can hardly move.
I guess I kinda DO know what's with me. I should be starting my that time of the month pretty quick here and that always effs with me. I have PMDD and it blows. I don't know why God didn't think that bipolar and borderline were enough for me . . . ahem.
I have a lot I want to write about, I've had a lot on my mind lately, but like I said, it all feels so random and scattered that I don't have the energy to make into a coherent/cohesive journal entry. I can't even really make it into coherent thoughts.
Once again . . . patience.
7.25.2012
Coming Down
I haven't had a good couple days. In fact I've been pretty fucking miserable.
I think when I got to Flagstaff it was new and there were fun elements of it and so I was on a little bit of a high, and I'm definitely coming down now. I feel almost EXACTLY like I did two and a half years ago when I was in Flagstaff and before I met Corey. Only now it's worse, because I'm going through a break up as well, and at least back then I had a car and my own room. Oh, and I made about triple on unemployment what I'm making at this Hastings so there's that.
I try not to get down but I'm not happy.
I hate taking the bus. I hate it because of all the walking it involves, and it's all uphill--I wake up every single morning sore as fuck and I think at this point I'm getting shin splints. Yay! Plus I have to plan everything on someone else's schedule--I can't just say, I feel like doing this or that, and leave. I fucking HATE it. I never realized how much having a car was tied to my identity and sense of freedom. Plus grocery shopping is a nightmare because we can't buy anything heavy, because we have to carry it home on the bus.
I hate sleeping on an air bed. It blows. I have to reinflate it every few hours thanks to Jenny's cats (which I don't actually hold against her or them, it's just stupid to have to do that), and the parts of my body that don't get sore walking get sore from sleeping on something inflated.
I hate sharing a room. I mean, yes, I shared a room with Corey but that was different so it's weird. I have trouble sleeping with Jerbs in the room.
I hate the Hastings here. My moronic dick of a boss decided that he doesn't need to pay attention to my availability when he schedules me, so Friday and Saturday night I work until 10:30 PM. The last bus is at 8:30 PM on Friday and like 6:30 on Saturday. So I get to spend $40 ($20/night) on cab fare to get home, because no one'll cover my shifts or trade with me. And I get paid tomorrow but given that corporate dragged their feet with my transfer I lost 2 weeks of work, and I got a shift cut during the one week I did work this pay period. So I'll be lucky if my check is $60. So yeah. I'll have about $20 to last me two weeks. Yay!! I'm really fucking glad I don't have bills or anything, y'know.
I hate not being able to work out as much. Yeah I walk all the time but my AF membership is basically being wasted, because I just can't drag myself to do it.
So yeah. There's more I'm sure but I don't feel like writing anymore . . . I'm fucking exhausted.
7.24.2012
Patience, Patience, Patience
That's the lesson I think I'm being taught right now. Patience.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient about work and money. Someone will call me back for a full time job; I just have to be diligent about applying for them. I've been checking the AZ Daily Sun and Craigslist every day. And in the meantime, I just need to stay calm and pray about it and Hastings is better than nothing.
I need to be patient with Ex-Fiance. We talked a little bit tonight and it was about nothing big; I think deep down I'm always hoping that he's going to tell me he loves me and misses me like crazy and whatever, and that never happens. And that's ok. If we're supposed to be together we will be together eventually; in the meantime we need to take baby steps. It is just so hard. But I know that if we got back together now it would be the same as it was and it would just end again.
Suffice it to say I haven't had a great couple days.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient about work and money. Someone will call me back for a full time job; I just have to be diligent about applying for them. I've been checking the AZ Daily Sun and Craigslist every day. And in the meantime, I just need to stay calm and pray about it and Hastings is better than nothing.
I need to be patient with Ex-Fiance. We talked a little bit tonight and it was about nothing big; I think deep down I'm always hoping that he's going to tell me he loves me and misses me like crazy and whatever, and that never happens. And that's ok. If we're supposed to be together we will be together eventually; in the meantime we need to take baby steps. It is just so hard. But I know that if we got back together now it would be the same as it was and it would just end again.
Suffice it to say I haven't had a great couple days.
7.23.2012
How . . .
. . . do you beat something unbeatable?
That's how I feel sometimes; it's how I've been feeling the past couple days. That this illness or whatever that's in my head is unbeatable; that I'll live with it forever and as a result I will never really live. And that breaks my heart.
I feel intensely detached right now. I feel so incredibly lost. I pray and pray for guidance and reassurance.
Something I keep remembering lately is the thought that God never gives you more than you can handle. It's comforting but still . . . if this is what I'm able to handle (and by this I mean not only what's happened recently but all the things in my life that have led to this point) then there must be some astounding strength in me that I haven't found yet. I try very hard to believe that there is a reason for all this and that if I work hard on myself and persevere I will be rewarded. Maybe rewarded is the wrong word, but I'll end up happy and successful and where I want to be.
Despite all that there are still times when I'm angry and bitter and discouraged and I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to wake up not knowing where my head is; I don't want to have a crappy job; I don't want to be 27 and where I am. (Those are all things I should expand on to get them off my chest but I just don't have the energy right now).
I try to tell myself that I already have been strong. That I'm still alive, that in all of the moments I thought about killing myself and wanted to kill myself, something held me back. That I started treatment; that even if it's taken me awhile to really devote myself to it I still did it. That compared to where I was two years ago I am pretty far ahead.
There have been moments in my life where I have been certain I did not want to continue. I used to pray at night (when I didn't even believe in a higher power) that I would die in my sleep and not wake up. I used to cut myself on my legs and wish I had the strength to put the blade at my wrist and press just a little harder. I remember thinking, just a little more pressure, and I could stop dealing with all of this. I remember writing a suicide letter on Christmas Eve in 2009, and another one in March of 2010.
But in all of those times I never succeeded (I guess that's obvious but still). I never was able to go through with it and . . . I take that now as a sign. I don't want to die anymore, I really don't.
What I want is to get my life together and fight this shit until it's gone.
That's how I feel sometimes; it's how I've been feeling the past couple days. That this illness or whatever that's in my head is unbeatable; that I'll live with it forever and as a result I will never really live. And that breaks my heart.
I feel intensely detached right now. I feel so incredibly lost. I pray and pray for guidance and reassurance.
Something I keep remembering lately is the thought that God never gives you more than you can handle. It's comforting but still . . . if this is what I'm able to handle (and by this I mean not only what's happened recently but all the things in my life that have led to this point) then there must be some astounding strength in me that I haven't found yet. I try very hard to believe that there is a reason for all this and that if I work hard on myself and persevere I will be rewarded. Maybe rewarded is the wrong word, but I'll end up happy and successful and where I want to be.
Despite all that there are still times when I'm angry and bitter and discouraged and I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to wake up not knowing where my head is; I don't want to have a crappy job; I don't want to be 27 and where I am. (Those are all things I should expand on to get them off my chest but I just don't have the energy right now).
I try to tell myself that I already have been strong. That I'm still alive, that in all of the moments I thought about killing myself and wanted to kill myself, something held me back. That I started treatment; that even if it's taken me awhile to really devote myself to it I still did it. That compared to where I was two years ago I am pretty far ahead.
There have been moments in my life where I have been certain I did not want to continue. I used to pray at night (when I didn't even believe in a higher power) that I would die in my sleep and not wake up. I used to cut myself on my legs and wish I had the strength to put the blade at my wrist and press just a little harder. I remember thinking, just a little more pressure, and I could stop dealing with all of this. I remember writing a suicide letter on Christmas Eve in 2009, and another one in March of 2010.
But in all of those times I never succeeded (I guess that's obvious but still). I never was able to go through with it and . . . I take that now as a sign. I don't want to die anymore, I really don't.
What I want is to get my life together and fight this shit until it's gone.
7.21.2012
Breakdown
A couple nights ago--Wednesday night--I had a breakdown. A pretty bad one.
It was the first one I'd had in a few weeks (since I moved at least) so that's a pretty good thing. But still, it sucked.
I don't know why it happened, really. I think it was just a combination of all the stuff in my head about Corey, and being completely exhausted. Wednesday I finally went back to work and even though I didn't work til one, I had to be up at ten to get ready in time to catch the bus. So naturally I couldn't sleep Tuesday night and didn't actually fall asleep until close to six Wednesday morning. So I had to go back to work on very, very, very little sleep, and after work I had to run to catch the bus so . . . yeah. It was a blah kinda day. Plus the store here . . . I just don't like it, to be honest. It's disorganized and unstructured and poorly run and I miss the Ktown store.
So anyway. I came home grouchy and then just broke down. Same ol' same ol' breakdown . . . bawling my eyes out and this intense, directionless anger that actually makes me feel like I'm overheating. This anger is the absolute worst symptom of these breakdowns, because it is so uncontrollable. I feel like it literally takes over me and I can't stop it. And no outlet will satisfy it; everything I do just makes it worse. I cried and screamed and punched the chair I was sitting in and threw a book across the room. I wanted to yell and scream at someone--I wished Corey was here so I could tell him how disgusting of a person I think he is. I just wanted to take it out on something but I knew nothing would help.
I thought about cutting myself. I thought about swallowing all the Lithium I have left and hopefully dying from it. It was that bad of a breakdown.
And after the rage started to subside I cried for a little while, and then I apologized to Jerbs and she cuddled me for a bit, and I felt better.
So even though yes, I had a breakdown, the silver lining is that last sentence. I FELT BETTER. I calmed down and then I was . . . OK. I mean, I wasn't in the best mood ever after, I was a little blah and out of it but that's better than how I felt during the breakdown. And that is an incredible amount of an improvement. Because before, these breakdowns would last hours, whereas this one was maybe 20 minutes total. And before, even after the breakdown, I'd be a total grouch for a few hours at least, and most of the time for even longer--sometimes days after the breakdown.
So I am getting better. I am improving, and I am making progress. Thank God!
It was the first one I'd had in a few weeks (since I moved at least) so that's a pretty good thing. But still, it sucked.
I don't know why it happened, really. I think it was just a combination of all the stuff in my head about Corey, and being completely exhausted. Wednesday I finally went back to work and even though I didn't work til one, I had to be up at ten to get ready in time to catch the bus. So naturally I couldn't sleep Tuesday night and didn't actually fall asleep until close to six Wednesday morning. So I had to go back to work on very, very, very little sleep, and after work I had to run to catch the bus so . . . yeah. It was a blah kinda day. Plus the store here . . . I just don't like it, to be honest. It's disorganized and unstructured and poorly run and I miss the Ktown store.
So anyway. I came home grouchy and then just broke down. Same ol' same ol' breakdown . . . bawling my eyes out and this intense, directionless anger that actually makes me feel like I'm overheating. This anger is the absolute worst symptom of these breakdowns, because it is so uncontrollable. I feel like it literally takes over me and I can't stop it. And no outlet will satisfy it; everything I do just makes it worse. I cried and screamed and punched the chair I was sitting in and threw a book across the room. I wanted to yell and scream at someone--I wished Corey was here so I could tell him how disgusting of a person I think he is. I just wanted to take it out on something but I knew nothing would help.
I thought about cutting myself. I thought about swallowing all the Lithium I have left and hopefully dying from it. It was that bad of a breakdown.
And after the rage started to subside I cried for a little while, and then I apologized to Jerbs and she cuddled me for a bit, and I felt better.
So even though yes, I had a breakdown, the silver lining is that last sentence. I FELT BETTER. I calmed down and then I was . . . OK. I mean, I wasn't in the best mood ever after, I was a little blah and out of it but that's better than how I felt during the breakdown. And that is an incredible amount of an improvement. Because before, these breakdowns would last hours, whereas this one was maybe 20 minutes total. And before, even after the breakdown, I'd be a total grouch for a few hours at least, and most of the time for even longer--sometimes days after the breakdown.
So I am getting better. I am improving, and I am making progress. Thank God!
7.19.2012
Thinking
I need to STOP thinking about:
--weddings (especially my own wedding, because even though it's off, I still look at dresses and invitations and stuff)
--Corey
--any combination of the above two
I need to FOCUS on:
--finances: really trying to find a full time job, wherever it may be, to get back on my feet financially
--mental health goals
--physical health goals
--creative writing
--reconnecting with old friends and maybe repairing some burned bridges
--weddings (especially my own wedding, because even though it's off, I still look at dresses and invitations and stuff)
--Corey
--any combination of the above two
I need to FOCUS on:
--finances: really trying to find a full time job, wherever it may be, to get back on my feet financially
--mental health goals
--physical health goals
--creative writing
--reconnecting with old friends and maybe repairing some burned bridges
I Wonder
I wonder if . . . it ever was what I thought it was.
I wonder if there was ever anything more between us than two lonely, unhappy people who each needed someone at that moment.
I wonder if you meant a thing you said.
I wonder why you you even bothered proposing to me. I wonder if in that moment you were as happy as I was.
I wonder if you ever intended to spend your life with me. I wonder if you just waited until the end of the school year to cut two stresses out of your life at once.
I wonder what the girl who actually becomes your wife will be like.
I wonder if you were ever worth it.
Needless to say today was not a good day.
I wonder if there was ever anything more between us than two lonely, unhappy people who each needed someone at that moment.
I wonder if you meant a thing you said.
I wonder why you you even bothered proposing to me. I wonder if in that moment you were as happy as I was.
I wonder if you ever intended to spend your life with me. I wonder if you just waited until the end of the school year to cut two stresses out of your life at once.
I wonder what the girl who actually becomes your wife will be like.
I wonder if you were ever worth it.
Needless to say today was not a good day.
7.18.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
Come back to me.
Please, please, please, come back to me.
Love,
Jessica
Come back to me.
Please, please, please, come back to me.
Love,
Jessica
7.17.2012
Graduate School
So here's the deal. Since my current degree probably won't get me a good job--at least not in AZ--I figured that I'd go ahead and go to graduate school. At this point it's only a thought, not 100% for sure. But I'm torn between 3 programs that all have different career paths. Here are the pros and cons of each.
Option A: MA in General English
This is a 36 credit hour program that would basically result in me having a more advanced version of the degree I have now.
PROS
Option B: MA in Early Childhood Education
Option A: MA in General English
This is a 36 credit hour program that would basically result in me having a more advanced version of the degree I have now.
PROS
- This is the subject matter in which I am genuinely interested; I LOVE English!
- Short program; I could finish it in 3 semesters easily.
- Would be advantageous in seeking a job in publishing or editing.
- As far as editing jobs go, most require experience; however a higher degree usually compensates for not having experience.
- Can be done completely online, so I could still work full time, and if I moved before I finished school it wouldn't be an issue.
CONS
- I don't actually know how useful this degree would be in job seeking or how I'd use it after I graduated. Granted I could research that more while I was in school but it's risky.
- Acceptance into this program requires 3 letters of recommendation; as I didn't really stay in touch with any of my professors from my undergrad, those would be a challenge to get.
- I'm not sure if I need a higher degree to end up working in editing or publishing. I can freelance edit for experience and references and work from there.
- What I really want to do is write creatively and I don't actually need a degree for that.
Option B: MA in Early Childhood Education
This program is 36 credit hours and . . . well, it's an education degree. With it I'd be able to teach babies through . . . I think 2nd grade?
PROS
- This one has a very clear job plan and a very clear career path. No question about how I'd use it after graduation or whether I'd use it.
- I could work anywhere in the country (because I'm not planning on staying in AZ forever).
- Offered online, so I could still work full time and location wouldn't be an issue.
- Short program; probably 3 semesters.
- Summers off. I know that is a totally ridiculous thing to point out (especially if you're a teacher and are reading this) but honestly, working as a teacher would give me summers to focus on my writing, and I like that--because whatever I end up doing I still want to be a novelist.
- My first job ever was as a gymnastics instructor working with younger kids, and I know that if I go into education this is the age group I want to work with.
- Easy application process--no letters of rec or anything like that.
CONS
- I don't actually know if I want to be a teacher. I've never been a huge fan of going into education, and I worry that I'm only doing it because I want a career of some kind, and that I'd hate it.
Option C: MA in Counseling
This is a 60 hour program and at the end of it, I could work as a LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor).
PROS
PROS
- Obviously this is something close to my heart. As someone who deals with mental illness personally I would love more than anything to help others going through it.
- My own history would lend me empathy; I could relate to my clients/patients better.
- I could get a job anywhere.
CONS
- Despite my desire to help others with these issues, I almost feel like, I've spent so much time fixing myself, I don't know that I really want to spend the rest of my life fixing others. Selfishly, I'd rather continue working on myself, if that makes sense.
- This is a long program. I'd probably be in for three years.
- Not offered online. I'd be locked into either Flagstaff, Tucson, or Phoenix. This also means I wouldn't be able to work--at least not full time, anyway--while I was in school, and that's a little scary.
- I don't know what the admissions requirements are (because the NAU grad website is complete crap now).
- I would not be able to start until Fall 2013.
OK, I think that's everything! If you know me, please give me advice, and even if you don't . . . I'd like advice from you too! And after you read this, feel free to vote in the little poll on the right.
Again, like I said, I really am up in the air about all of these, and while advice and poll results won't be the absolute deciding factor, I would love love love some input from outside of my own mind. :)
The MAD Movement
The MAD Movement is something that's been around for quite awhile--the earliest known events took place in 1993. Initially, the MAD movement was called Mad Pride, and the goal of it was for those with mental illness to "reclaim" the word Mad (the way the gay rights movement has reclaimed the word queer, and the feminist movement has reclaimed the word slut). It was about promoting acceptance of those with mental illness and trying to eliminate the stigma associated with these kinds of diseases.
I think that's a fantastic thing. I think the less stigma's associated with this the better, because more sick people are going to seek treatment if they're not afraid of being labeled crazy. I am 100% behind that. And while I wouldn't say I'm proud to be bipolar, I will never deny that it's part of who I am. I'll never cover up the self harm scars on my legs and arms because they're a part of my story. I hate that I have this, but it's part of my story, whether I like it or not. In its own way, it's beautiful. And Mad Pride, in the beginning, agreed.
Today Mad Pride has become the MAD Movement, and for the most part, it embraces the same ideals as the original concept of Mad Pride. But there's a faction of mentally ill people for whom the movement has a different meaning. These are people who embrace their illness by refusing to be treated for it--by refusing counseling, talk therapy, medication, all of it. They view their illness as truly a part of themselves and believe that treating it would be denying a part of their identity.
This, I am 150% against. I cannot imagine living my life that way. When I was sick, before I started treatment, I was miserable 24/7. I hated my life and wanted to die. I couldn't wait to see a psychiatrist and start medication, and even though I'm still not completely better, I'm so much happier.
To have an illness like schizophrenia or really severe bipolar and not treat it (especially if you have the ability to treat it and just decide not to) is incredibly irresponsible. Who knows what someone in that situation could do if they had a break with reality or a severe manic episode?
To me, it's just ridiculous and almost offensive. But that's just me, and I wanted to get it down.
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
The hardest part of this is how you basically just ignore me now.
Why is it that you act affectionate when we see each other? When I tell you face to face that I love you, you say it back. When I text it to you I get nothing. And . . . I don't get it. I mean, I know I shouldn't be telling you I love you at all, but I do love you and I can't just not tell you that.
I really am trying to be patient. But you said you'd always love me as a friend so . . . I don't know, maybe act like it. Some days I ask Jerbs if she's heard from you and she tells me you ask how I am and how I'm doing. I have a phone too. You could just . . . ask me.
Sometimes my head still goes crazy wondering why you do this. Is it hard for you to talk to me because you know what my feelings about us are and you don't want to lead me on? Or is it that you still have feelings to me and too much contact makes you want to work things out now?
I don't know. I hope it's the latter. Really I hope it's anything but the former. But how do you do it? How do you just . . . stop like that? I hate not talking to you; there are moments when I want to talk to you so badly that it's all I can do not to break down and call you. When that happens my gut feeling is that you don't want to hear from me anyway and I'd only be let down by the conversation, and I don't want to put myself through that.
I hate not talking to you and you seem completely fine never speaking to me. It makes me wonder if you ever cared about me the way you said you did.
Love,
Jessica
The hardest part of this is how you basically just ignore me now.
Why is it that you act affectionate when we see each other? When I tell you face to face that I love you, you say it back. When I text it to you I get nothing. And . . . I don't get it. I mean, I know I shouldn't be telling you I love you at all, but I do love you and I can't just not tell you that.
I really am trying to be patient. But you said you'd always love me as a friend so . . . I don't know, maybe act like it. Some days I ask Jerbs if she's heard from you and she tells me you ask how I am and how I'm doing. I have a phone too. You could just . . . ask me.
Sometimes my head still goes crazy wondering why you do this. Is it hard for you to talk to me because you know what my feelings about us are and you don't want to lead me on? Or is it that you still have feelings to me and too much contact makes you want to work things out now?
I don't know. I hope it's the latter. Really I hope it's anything but the former. But how do you do it? How do you just . . . stop like that? I hate not talking to you; there are moments when I want to talk to you so badly that it's all I can do not to break down and call you. When that happens my gut feeling is that you don't want to hear from me anyway and I'd only be let down by the conversation, and I don't want to put myself through that.
I hate not talking to you and you seem completely fine never speaking to me. It makes me wonder if you ever cared about me the way you said you did.
Love,
Jessica
7.16.2012
Good Things and Breakthroughs
Good things:
--Hastings called me today! They called while I was in the shower and left a voicemail, which I haven't yet listened to. But still! I'm pretty relieved. (Not necessarily thrilled for the actual going to work part though).
--Reconnecting with old friends. One old friend in particular accepted my FB friends request today and I'm stoked about it! We'll probably never be BFF's again but the less negativity I have in my life the better.
--I bought a pedometer that counts steps, calories, and measures distance. Since I walk so much I think it'll be interesting to see those numbers.
Breakthroughs:
--I painted my toenails purple. I'm not going to really get into why that's a breakthrough but let's just say that since I've been with Corey purple has ah had a negative connotation/association for me and I've steered clear of it. But now my toes are a bright sparkly purple and I love it and it's staying. Well, at least until I get bored and decide I want a new color. (Between us Jerbs and I have like 100 different nail colors so yeah).
--I have started to feel a lot calmer and more relaxed about life in general. I want to get into this more later but yeah.
--Hastings called me today! They called while I was in the shower and left a voicemail, which I haven't yet listened to. But still! I'm pretty relieved. (Not necessarily thrilled for the actual going to work part though).
--Reconnecting with old friends. One old friend in particular accepted my FB friends request today and I'm stoked about it! We'll probably never be BFF's again but the less negativity I have in my life the better.
--I bought a pedometer that counts steps, calories, and measures distance. Since I walk so much I think it'll be interesting to see those numbers.
Breakthroughs:
--I painted my toenails purple. I'm not going to really get into why that's a breakthrough but let's just say that since I've been with Corey purple has ah had a negative connotation/association for me and I've steered clear of it. But now my toes are a bright sparkly purple and I love it and it's staying. Well, at least until I get bored and decide I want a new color. (Between us Jerbs and I have like 100 different nail colors so yeah).
--I have started to feel a lot calmer and more relaxed about life in general. I want to get into this more later but yeah.
The Hummingbird Story
This story is probably going to be a little weird and gross to people but whatever.
First let me say that I watched and read The Velveteen Rabbit a lot as a kid. If you've never read it it's a really depressing kids' book about a little boy who gets a stuffed rabbit for Christmas. The fancier toys don't really like the stuffed rabbit, and a kind rocking horse tells the rabbit about being real vs being a toy. A toy becomes real when its owner really and truly loves it. Eventually the rabbit becomes the little boy's best friend and he gets shabbier and shabbier. Then the little boy comes down with scarlet fever, and the rabbit is in his bed during the whole ordeal. Once the boy recovers the doctor orders all of his clothes and bedding and things burned to avoid spreading the disease--including the rabbit. But the rabbit falls out of the trash pile and avoids being burned, and he cries a real tear because he's so sad about the little boy having thrown him out. Then a fairy comes and turns him into a real rabbit, and he gets to live happily ever after with the other real rabbits in the forest.
This story affected me deeply as a child. It made me cry and it made me believe that all of my toys had souls, and would be sad if they were thrown out. (This is why I have such an extensive stuffed animal collection . . . because I really can't throw them away).
Anyway. I also believe that all real animals have souls and should be properly laid to rest, which brings me to my actual story.
The other day Jerbs and I were walking along the sidewalk in between Pita Jungle and Wildflower, and we saw a dead hummingbird. I have never seen a hummingbird up close, and this one was so tiny and bright, and his neck was broken. It made me so sad. I decided he needed a better resting place than a sidewalk. So I scooped him up with a bag I had in my purse and I put him in one of the big flower pots nearby. So this little hummingbird had a beautiful resting place in the flowers and it made me feel like I'd done a good deed.
Then a few days ago Jerbs randomly told me that in Aztec lore, the heaven that Aztec warriors go to is different than the heaven other Aztecs go to. The normal Aztec heaven is just heaven, but the Aztec warrior heaven is all flowers, and the warriors live on there as either butterflies or hummingbirds. So the Aztecs believe that hummingbirds hold the spirits of their warriors.
I think that is so beautiful! And what made it even more beautiful was when Jerbs explained that there are two kinds of Aztec warrior. One is the actual Aztec warrior. But the Aztec also consider women who die in childbirth to be warriors, which is awesome.
So I like to believe that little hummingbird I gave a beautiful spot to was the spirit of a woman who died in childbirth, and that I helped her spirit to move on and feel free.
Like I said, I know that anyone who reads this will think I'm gross for just touching random dead animals, and crazy for thinking all that about souls and resting places and spirits.
But to me it was a really beautiful thing and it makes my heart happy.
First let me say that I watched and read The Velveteen Rabbit a lot as a kid. If you've never read it it's a really depressing kids' book about a little boy who gets a stuffed rabbit for Christmas. The fancier toys don't really like the stuffed rabbit, and a kind rocking horse tells the rabbit about being real vs being a toy. A toy becomes real when its owner really and truly loves it. Eventually the rabbit becomes the little boy's best friend and he gets shabbier and shabbier. Then the little boy comes down with scarlet fever, and the rabbit is in his bed during the whole ordeal. Once the boy recovers the doctor orders all of his clothes and bedding and things burned to avoid spreading the disease--including the rabbit. But the rabbit falls out of the trash pile and avoids being burned, and he cries a real tear because he's so sad about the little boy having thrown him out. Then a fairy comes and turns him into a real rabbit, and he gets to live happily ever after with the other real rabbits in the forest.
This story affected me deeply as a child. It made me cry and it made me believe that all of my toys had souls, and would be sad if they were thrown out. (This is why I have such an extensive stuffed animal collection . . . because I really can't throw them away).
Anyway. I also believe that all real animals have souls and should be properly laid to rest, which brings me to my actual story.
The other day Jerbs and I were walking along the sidewalk in between Pita Jungle and Wildflower, and we saw a dead hummingbird. I have never seen a hummingbird up close, and this one was so tiny and bright, and his neck was broken. It made me so sad. I decided he needed a better resting place than a sidewalk. So I scooped him up with a bag I had in my purse and I put him in one of the big flower pots nearby. So this little hummingbird had a beautiful resting place in the flowers and it made me feel like I'd done a good deed.
Then a few days ago Jerbs randomly told me that in Aztec lore, the heaven that Aztec warriors go to is different than the heaven other Aztecs go to. The normal Aztec heaven is just heaven, but the Aztec warrior heaven is all flowers, and the warriors live on there as either butterflies or hummingbirds. So the Aztecs believe that hummingbirds hold the spirits of their warriors.
I think that is so beautiful! And what made it even more beautiful was when Jerbs explained that there are two kinds of Aztec warrior. One is the actual Aztec warrior. But the Aztec also consider women who die in childbirth to be warriors, which is awesome.
So I like to believe that little hummingbird I gave a beautiful spot to was the spirit of a woman who died in childbirth, and that I helped her spirit to move on and feel free.
Like I said, I know that anyone who reads this will think I'm gross for just touching random dead animals, and crazy for thinking all that about souls and resting places and spirits.
But to me it was a really beautiful thing and it makes my heart happy.
Two Weeks
So it's now been two weeks since I've been in Flagstaff.
To be completely honest, I'm amazed at how well I'm doing. I really did think I'd get up here and it would be break down after break down after break down . . . I thought it would be a total regression back to where I was before I'd even started treatment and all that. But here I am, doing mostly fine.
I'm still sad. My heart is still broken over what happened with Ex-Fiance and me. I've had a few anxiety attacks over it since I've been here, and there have been a few nights that I've cried myself to sleep. But for the most part I've been good.
I still miss Ex-Fiance. He's on my mind every day and I still hope that we end up together, I really do. But at the same time, I'm starting to feel glad to have this time for myself. I've been mood charting and taking my medicine and thinking a lot about my life. Some of it's scary but . . . it's nice at the same time. Ultimately I think this is doing us both some good, and I am trying just to be patient. To give us as long as we need.
Some things suck about being here. I hate taking the bus with a passion! I don't mind the actual walking or bus taking part, it's the amount of time it takes. For example, tomorrow I have to go to the store for a few things and I know I'm not going to get anything else done. Suuuuuuuuuucks.
Also shitty is that Hastings STILL hasn't called me about my transfer. I have to call them tomorrow and hopefully I still have a job. This is starting to worry me. But in the meantime I've applied for a few full time jobs at other places and hopefully I'll get one of them. Because really, even if I'm still employed at Hastings, I need to look for something else anyway, because I NEED full time. Or at least closer to full time than 15 hours a week.
But there are good things. I woke up to a raging thunderstorm this morning and that was pretty excellent. (The only thing that would have made it better was a cuddle buddy!) The summer weather here is awesome. And I feel like I can write here, so I've been working on that. I think I've said it before, that even though I don't want to be in Flagstaff forever, I want to be somewhere similar. And more than anything I want to be happy with Ex-Fiance in a place like this. But that's probably for another post.
One big thing that's happened to me since I've been here is that I have . . . I don't know quite how to say it. But basically I have found my faith. I have found God. I'll probably elaborate on it at some point in the future but for now I'll just say that I definitely am putting my faith in a higher power. And it feels amazing.
Anyway. I still need to work on my physical and mental health goals more. Physical health, I need to get back into working out somehow, and I need to eat better (there were just so many restaurants I missed!) Mental health I've been doing well with, I just need to get my labs done. That's going to be a bit of a challenge. Actually it'll probably be pretty easy I just HATE making phone calls and getting that set up will require several so. Yeah. And I need to find a counselor but that has to wait until I figure out my employment situation.
I did get to see Ex-Fiance today, when he was on his way back to Kingman from Chinle. It was nice but it was also . . . I don't know. Weird, I guess. I'll elaborate on that more later.
For now, good night! I think it's going to rain through the night which means good sleep for me!!
7.14.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
Today Jerbs and I went out together. It was kind of overcast and really beautiful outside, and we wandered around downtown, and I just thought of how much I wished I was with you. Not that I don't love Jerbs but . . . I miss things like just walking around holding hands.
I'm surprised at how now, when I think back on our relationship, it's the little things I remember most and that I miss the most. And it's the little things that make me think, God, if I could just have that back I would appreciate all of those little moments so much. I would never take any of it for granted.
I really am working on myself and trying to get better. I've been taking my medicine consistently and I found a counselor that should work for me. I'm going to give her a call as soon as I have some money. And today I bought a book on borderline so that I can learn more about it and figure out how to really get it under control.
So even if you and I never get back together, I'll at least be normal for the next guy.
But I don't want there to be a next guy. I just . . . I still want it to be you.
I miss you. I love you.
Please don't ignore me anymore. I want to hear from you, I want us to talk. I can't stand you just being . . . gone from my life.
Love,
Jessica
Today Jerbs and I went out together. It was kind of overcast and really beautiful outside, and we wandered around downtown, and I just thought of how much I wished I was with you. Not that I don't love Jerbs but . . . I miss things like just walking around holding hands.
I'm surprised at how now, when I think back on our relationship, it's the little things I remember most and that I miss the most. And it's the little things that make me think, God, if I could just have that back I would appreciate all of those little moments so much. I would never take any of it for granted.
I really am working on myself and trying to get better. I've been taking my medicine consistently and I found a counselor that should work for me. I'm going to give her a call as soon as I have some money. And today I bought a book on borderline so that I can learn more about it and figure out how to really get it under control.
So even if you and I never get back together, I'll at least be normal for the next guy.
But I don't want there to be a next guy. I just . . . I still want it to be you.
I miss you. I love you.
Please don't ignore me anymore. I want to hear from you, I want us to talk. I can't stand you just being . . . gone from my life.
Love,
Jessica
7.13.2012
Friday Night
Friday nights have been hard since we broke up. I just can't help but think, I'm young and it's Friday and I should be out on a date . . . with Corey.
Sigh.
But aside from that it was on OK day. I treated Jerbs to dinner at a place called Diablo Burger, which was freakin' amazing. Then we went to Blackhound Gallery and bought some on sale jewelry. Then we hit up Barnes and Noble, where I bought a book on borderline personality disorder. I think it will be helpful in getting better. I also bought a little five year journal just for the heck of it.
Mostly I've felt OK. My head/face have felt sort of tight lately, maybe a sinus infection? Kind of like it used to feel . . . I don't know, that's hard to describe/explain.
Anyway. That's all for tonight. I just don't feel much like blogging tonight.
Sigh.
But aside from that it was on OK day. I treated Jerbs to dinner at a place called Diablo Burger, which was freakin' amazing. Then we went to Blackhound Gallery and bought some on sale jewelry. Then we hit up Barnes and Noble, where I bought a book on borderline personality disorder. I think it will be helpful in getting better. I also bought a little five year journal just for the heck of it.
Mostly I've felt OK. My head/face have felt sort of tight lately, maybe a sinus infection? Kind of like it used to feel . . . I don't know, that's hard to describe/explain.
Anyway. That's all for tonight. I just don't feel much like blogging tonight.
7.11.2012
Help Is Out There
A few hours ago, just for the heck of it, I looked up counselors/therapists in Flagstaff.
My psychiatrist told me at my first visit, and has told me again at every visit since, that I should seek counseling/therapy in addition to my medications. And I've never done it because . . . I don't know why, really. But since I've made the decision to focus on getting better, I've known that I was going to have to find someone and commit to seeing them. And that means finding someone who can do the type of therapy I need (DBT--dialectical behavioral therapy), someone who takes uninsured patients, and someone who is not insanely expensive. It's a tall, tall order.
So like I said, tonight, I did a search online. My hopes weren't too high but to my enormous surprise one of the first results that came up were for a LPC here in Flag who specializes in borderline personality disorder and the DBT method. She also takes uninsured patients, and she has a sliding scale fee deal for those patients.
I was kind of mind blown. I don't know if I'll be able to afford her, I don't know how long her wait list is, I don't know when I'll even be able to get in since I'm still waiting on job stuff, and I don't know if she'll be a good match for me.
But still, just KNOWING that someone like her is out there, just knowing that there's a person in this town who ix exactly what I need, made me feel incredible. It was just this moment where I thought . . . maybe it is possible to get better after all. It was a tremendous relief to me, a weight off my shoulders.
Sometimes it's the little things that help the most.
My psychiatrist told me at my first visit, and has told me again at every visit since, that I should seek counseling/therapy in addition to my medications. And I've never done it because . . . I don't know why, really. But since I've made the decision to focus on getting better, I've known that I was going to have to find someone and commit to seeing them. And that means finding someone who can do the type of therapy I need (DBT--dialectical behavioral therapy), someone who takes uninsured patients, and someone who is not insanely expensive. It's a tall, tall order.
So like I said, tonight, I did a search online. My hopes weren't too high but to my enormous surprise one of the first results that came up were for a LPC here in Flag who specializes in borderline personality disorder and the DBT method. She also takes uninsured patients, and she has a sliding scale fee deal for those patients.
I was kind of mind blown. I don't know if I'll be able to afford her, I don't know how long her wait list is, I don't know when I'll even be able to get in since I'm still waiting on job stuff, and I don't know if she'll be a good match for me.
But still, just KNOWING that someone like her is out there, just knowing that there's a person in this town who ix exactly what I need, made me feel incredible. It was just this moment where I thought . . . maybe it is possible to get better after all. It was a tremendous relief to me, a weight off my shoulders.
Sometimes it's the little things that help the most.
7.10.2012
The Gym
I finally made it to the gym today.
Thanks to a misunderstanding on my part about the bus schedule, though, I ended up having to take the long way there. So by the time I got to the gym I'd probably walked about 2 miles total. And the Anytime Fitness here doesn't have just regular ellipticals, so I used an elliptical like machine. So between the walking before hand, the different machine, and the elevation, I was only able to do 10 minutes. Laaaaaaaaaaaame.
But better than nothing. And honestly if I'd tried one of those machines 6 or 8 months ago I probably wouldn't have even been able to do those 10 minutes. So it is some progress.
And I actually lost two pounds this past week! (I weigh myself on Mondays). I went from 182 to 180 so I'm pretty happy with that!
I just can't wait til I have a car so I can go to the gym whenever I feel like it again. I'm crossing my fingers/praying/hoping like crazy that I get one of the F/T jobs I applied for, because then I could definitely afford a car.
Thanks to a misunderstanding on my part about the bus schedule, though, I ended up having to take the long way there. So by the time I got to the gym I'd probably walked about 2 miles total. And the Anytime Fitness here doesn't have just regular ellipticals, so I used an elliptical like machine. So between the walking before hand, the different machine, and the elevation, I was only able to do 10 minutes. Laaaaaaaaaaaame.
But better than nothing. And honestly if I'd tried one of those machines 6 or 8 months ago I probably wouldn't have even been able to do those 10 minutes. So it is some progress.
And I actually lost two pounds this past week! (I weigh myself on Mondays). I went from 182 to 180 so I'm pretty happy with that!
I just can't wait til I have a car so I can go to the gym whenever I feel like it again. I'm crossing my fingers/praying/hoping like crazy that I get one of the F/T jobs I applied for, because then I could definitely afford a car.
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
Tonight I just feel angry with you.
I'm angry with you for not calling me or texting me--for not even texting me back when I text you something meaningless. I guess I expected more concern on your part.
I'm angry with you for making me feel so stupid, for making me feel like our whole relationship was a lie. I think back to times when I felt genuinely happy and when I thought you did too, and now I feel like in those moments . . . you were just pretending. But I wasn't pretending; those moments really were my life. And I think about how excited I was to talk about our wedding, and I remember asking you about invitations and colors and the ceremony and venues and you never cared about any of it. I believe now that you never wanted to marry me, and I feel stupid for being excited about those things. I feel like such a freaking idiot. I wish you had ended it sooner, because I feel like I got led on, and I don't like that. I have never felt so foolish.
I feel foolish for being excited to marry you and foolish for thinking you could ever actually be happy with someone like me.
I really believed that you cared for me.
I know that I caused a lot of the issues in our relationship, and I regret that more than you know. But you have to understand that I will never, ever, EVER be perfect. I will never not be bipolar, and even once all that is totally under control, I won't be perfect. Sometimes I felt like that's what you wanted--perfection. Smiles and happiness all the time. And that's just not realistic. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. But I did love you, more than anything, unconditionally. I thought you felt that way too.
There are moments when I wish we'd never met. When I wish I'd taken Theresa home after the first store we went to that night instead of dragging her to WalMart with me. Or that I'd never offered to give you a shoulder to cry on, or that I'd told you no when you asked me to go get ice cream with you that night. The memories of the good times really aren't enough to make it worth it--especially since I was the only one who was ever happy in our relationship.
Sometimes I think about how much I want to be with you and work things out but I honestly don't know that I'd ever be able to trust you again. I see you . . . differently now, I guess, because I honestly didn't believe you could hurt me this much. I know that I've hurt you too, and I've done everything I can to make up for that.
It hurts more than you know to be nothing to you.
Love,
Jessica
Tonight I just feel angry with you.
I'm angry with you for not calling me or texting me--for not even texting me back when I text you something meaningless. I guess I expected more concern on your part.
I'm angry with you for making me feel so stupid, for making me feel like our whole relationship was a lie. I think back to times when I felt genuinely happy and when I thought you did too, and now I feel like in those moments . . . you were just pretending. But I wasn't pretending; those moments really were my life. And I think about how excited I was to talk about our wedding, and I remember asking you about invitations and colors and the ceremony and venues and you never cared about any of it. I believe now that you never wanted to marry me, and I feel stupid for being excited about those things. I feel like such a freaking idiot. I wish you had ended it sooner, because I feel like I got led on, and I don't like that. I have never felt so foolish.
I feel foolish for being excited to marry you and foolish for thinking you could ever actually be happy with someone like me.
I really believed that you cared for me.
I know that I caused a lot of the issues in our relationship, and I regret that more than you know. But you have to understand that I will never, ever, EVER be perfect. I will never not be bipolar, and even once all that is totally under control, I won't be perfect. Sometimes I felt like that's what you wanted--perfection. Smiles and happiness all the time. And that's just not realistic. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. But I did love you, more than anything, unconditionally. I thought you felt that way too.
There are moments when I wish we'd never met. When I wish I'd taken Theresa home after the first store we went to that night instead of dragging her to WalMart with me. Or that I'd never offered to give you a shoulder to cry on, or that I'd told you no when you asked me to go get ice cream with you that night. The memories of the good times really aren't enough to make it worth it--especially since I was the only one who was ever happy in our relationship.
Sometimes I think about how much I want to be with you and work things out but I honestly don't know that I'd ever be able to trust you again. I see you . . . differently now, I guess, because I honestly didn't believe you could hurt me this much. I know that I've hurt you too, and I've done everything I can to make up for that.
It hurts more than you know to be nothing to you.
Love,
Jessica
7.09.2012
I Hate Running
So tonight I figured that since I just can't seem to get my butt to the gym, I'd just go for a jog around the cul-de-sac. My thinking was, I've been working out fairly consistently since March, so I've probably built up at least a little bit of stamina and an ability to be physically active without dying.
But holy crap. I hate running. That's why I joined a gym in the first place, because I work out way better on equipment than just running.
I made it to the end of the street and back. I ran, then walked, then ran, then walked, then ran. And I was way out of breath when I got back to the apartment, and I felt like a lame ass. An out of shape lame ass.
But really, I'm not too bummed. I've never been a runner, plain and simple. And if I'd done that 6 months ago I'd have died, I think, so . . . I have improved some. Plus (and I think this is important) I've been working out at around 3300 feet elevation (in Kingman) and tonight I went running at about 7300 feet. So I'm certain that had something to do with it. I also didn't stretch before I went . . . I'll have to next time because I know I should.
I feel a little more motivated to go to the gym tomorrow though!
In other aggravating news, I still haven't heard from the Flag Hastings so I still haven't started working. That's just frustrating. I'm going to call them tomorrow. And hopefully I'll hear from one of the other jobs I applied for before the week's up.
But holy crap. I hate running. That's why I joined a gym in the first place, because I work out way better on equipment than just running.
I made it to the end of the street and back. I ran, then walked, then ran, then walked, then ran. And I was way out of breath when I got back to the apartment, and I felt like a lame ass. An out of shape lame ass.
But really, I'm not too bummed. I've never been a runner, plain and simple. And if I'd done that 6 months ago I'd have died, I think, so . . . I have improved some. Plus (and I think this is important) I've been working out at around 3300 feet elevation (in Kingman) and tonight I went running at about 7300 feet. So I'm certain that had something to do with it. I also didn't stretch before I went . . . I'll have to next time because I know I should.
I feel a little more motivated to go to the gym tomorrow though!
In other aggravating news, I still haven't heard from the Flag Hastings so I still haven't started working. That's just frustrating. I'm going to call them tomorrow. And hopefully I'll hear from one of the other jobs I applied for before the week's up.
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
For some reason right now I miss you more than I have since you left. I want so badly to call or text you right now.
I wish you knew how much I missed you; I wish you missed me the same. I wish I was on your mind right now the same way you're on mine. Well, you're sleeping right now, I'm sure, so I wish you were dreaming of me.
Earlier tonight I was reading old emails you sent me (remember the Wake Up calls)? And you said such wonderful things to me an I know you meant them and I just . . . I want that back. And I'm so sorry for ever being mean about them--because I know the reason you stopped the Wake Up calls was that I said something nasty about them on Twitter or somewhere. Why did I do that? I loved those emails, they meant the world to me, and I honestly don't know why I reacted that way. I just . . . I don't know how to be happy. But I know I want to be happy with you.
You have no idea how much I love you. I don't think I even realized how much I did until you left this apartment a week ago. I feel like part of me is missing. Do you feel that way? I hope you do.
Love,
Jessica
**I don't care how stupid and overdramatic this is, it makes me feel better to write it out like letters . . . and it's my blog so there**
For some reason right now I miss you more than I have since you left. I want so badly to call or text you right now.
I wish you knew how much I missed you; I wish you missed me the same. I wish I was on your mind right now the same way you're on mine. Well, you're sleeping right now, I'm sure, so I wish you were dreaming of me.
Earlier tonight I was reading old emails you sent me (remember the Wake Up calls)? And you said such wonderful things to me an I know you meant them and I just . . . I want that back. And I'm so sorry for ever being mean about them--because I know the reason you stopped the Wake Up calls was that I said something nasty about them on Twitter or somewhere. Why did I do that? I loved those emails, they meant the world to me, and I honestly don't know why I reacted that way. I just . . . I don't know how to be happy. But I know I want to be happy with you.
You have no idea how much I love you. I don't think I even realized how much I did until you left this apartment a week ago. I feel like part of me is missing. Do you feel that way? I hope you do.
Love,
Jessica
**I don't care how stupid and overdramatic this is, it makes me feel better to write it out like letters . . . and it's my blog so there**
One Week
Today marked one week that I've been in Flagstaff.
Today was also the first bad day I've had.
I don't know why. I woke up grouchy. Maybe because I'm broke (since I had to spend my entire last paycheck moving), maybe because it was Sunday and the buses were on the limited schedule so I was cooped up at home all day, maybe because I just really, really miss Corey.
It's starting to sink in, I think. I texted him yesterday (nothing sweet or romantic at all, just a picture of a kitten--totally meaningless) and I never heard back. I haven't spoken to him since the 4th and that's irritating. I want to text him and tell him I love him but I'm trying to hold off, because I don't want to be crazy clingy. And if it's legit over then . . . I need to get over it.
He'll be here in a week, passing through on his way home from Chinle, and I told him I wanted him to stop in and say hello and hang out for a while. Now, though, I'm starting to wonder if that's a bad idea, and wondering if I should tell him not to bother. Because I know that his indifference will hurt and I know that after this visit, I honestly don't know when I'll see him again. That terrifies me. I probably won't tell him not to come though, because my hope is that if I told him not to come, he'd ask me to reconsider because he wants to see me but . . . that won't happen, because the truth is, he doesn't want to see me.
I just want him back. I want to live the life we planned together, so much.
At the same time, I want the job I applied for here, very badly.
This sucks. I've been doing well and now I feel myself slipping. This is going to be the hard part--the actual getting over him.
Today was also the first bad day I've had.
I don't know why. I woke up grouchy. Maybe because I'm broke (since I had to spend my entire last paycheck moving), maybe because it was Sunday and the buses were on the limited schedule so I was cooped up at home all day, maybe because I just really, really miss Corey.
It's starting to sink in, I think. I texted him yesterday (nothing sweet or romantic at all, just a picture of a kitten--totally meaningless) and I never heard back. I haven't spoken to him since the 4th and that's irritating. I want to text him and tell him I love him but I'm trying to hold off, because I don't want to be crazy clingy. And if it's legit over then . . . I need to get over it.
He'll be here in a week, passing through on his way home from Chinle, and I told him I wanted him to stop in and say hello and hang out for a while. Now, though, I'm starting to wonder if that's a bad idea, and wondering if I should tell him not to bother. Because I know that his indifference will hurt and I know that after this visit, I honestly don't know when I'll see him again. That terrifies me. I probably won't tell him not to come though, because my hope is that if I told him not to come, he'd ask me to reconsider because he wants to see me but . . . that won't happen, because the truth is, he doesn't want to see me.
I just want him back. I want to live the life we planned together, so much.
At the same time, I want the job I applied for here, very badly.
This sucks. I've been doing well and now I feel myself slipping. This is going to be the hard part--the actual getting over him.
7.06.2012
Self Improvement Update 1
Since one of the reasons I started this blog was to keep track of my progress on getting better and my self improvement goals, I figured I should actually maybe write about that. Granted, I haven't even been in Flagstaff for a full week, but still.
Let's see. I've been doing really well taking my medicine; I've only missed one Lithium dose (one dose is half of my daily intake, because I can only take 600mg at a time) since I've been here and it was because I forgot to take my medicine with me when we went out. (That's the thing about having to take the bus--because of when things run and all that going out becomes an all day event, even if you're only doing one or two things). And given everything that's been going on I've been pretty damn happy and upbeat, which I was not expecting. I've had a few moments of just being really really sad but I've done a lot better than I thought. I've also been functioning better than I thought--I actually can sleep here (I usually don't sleep well in new/strange places). I've also applied for one full time job and am in the process of applying for another. They both pay really well and I'm excited! The one I really want is the one I'm working on the application for. It's at The Guidance Center, which is basically a center for behavioral health, and I'd love to work there and help people who are going through the same crap I've been through. I know first hand how hard it is to get help.
As for the bad. Jerbs and I have been eating out a lot since I've been here and we need to stop. I also haven't gone to work out at all since I've been here, mostly because there's not a bus stop right by Anytime Fitness, so I'm going to have to walk (uphill) to get to the gym and then work out, and that doesn't sound appealing. But I need to get back on it because I feel icky.
So that's it. Jerbs' cats punctured my airbed last night. Assholes.
Let's see. I've been doing really well taking my medicine; I've only missed one Lithium dose (one dose is half of my daily intake, because I can only take 600mg at a time) since I've been here and it was because I forgot to take my medicine with me when we went out. (That's the thing about having to take the bus--because of when things run and all that going out becomes an all day event, even if you're only doing one or two things). And given everything that's been going on I've been pretty damn happy and upbeat, which I was not expecting. I've had a few moments of just being really really sad but I've done a lot better than I thought. I've also been functioning better than I thought--I actually can sleep here (I usually don't sleep well in new/strange places). I've also applied for one full time job and am in the process of applying for another. They both pay really well and I'm excited! The one I really want is the one I'm working on the application for. It's at The Guidance Center, which is basically a center for behavioral health, and I'd love to work there and help people who are going through the same crap I've been through. I know first hand how hard it is to get help.
As for the bad. Jerbs and I have been eating out a lot since I've been here and we need to stop. I also haven't gone to work out at all since I've been here, mostly because there's not a bus stop right by Anytime Fitness, so I'm going to have to walk (uphill) to get to the gym and then work out, and that doesn't sound appealing. But I need to get back on it because I feel icky.
So that's it. Jerbs' cats punctured my airbed last night. Assholes.
7.03.2012
Flagstaff Days 1 and 2
Well, I have survived my first two full days in Flagstaff, without Ex-Fiance.
Yesterday was really good. I slept in and then went out via the bus. I went to Hastings but didn't get to meet my boss, unfortunately; I went to Bookman's and had tea, I went to JoAnn and Michael's and PetSmart, then I met Jerbs for dinner at Chipotle. (I love Chipotle). Then we wandered around Sallys, Ross, and Bed Bath and Beyond before we caught the bus home.
I was happier than I thought I would be, that's for sure, and in a way, I was happier here yesterday than I was in Kingman. I definitely wasn't expecting that; I thought I'd be breaking down. But there is just something about Flagstaff that I like. I mean, before I moved back to Kingman, I thought of Flagstaff as toxic. There were so many bad memories (everything that went wrong with Jerbs, being forgotten by my college friends after I graduated, getting sick and all that went with it, what happened when I started dating Ex-Fiance) that I was beyond ready to leave. And I still maintain that I probably wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life here. But being here and being more mentally healthy than I was a year ago makes this town tolerable. I think it's that Flagstaff is the type of place I want to be. I want to be somewhere green and a little rainy and cooler, somewhere that's a little more liberal and tolerant (because Kingman is a VERY conservative town), somewhere that's bigger than Kingman but not huge, somewhere that's got an art community. I like those things, and when I'm here, I almost feel like I have more potential. Like when I'm here, I feel like it's more OK to focus on my writing, if that makes sense. Maybe the potential thing is because in my head I associate Flagstaff with being in college, and back then I really did feel like I had potential. Granted, the thought of college has some negative connotations in my head too, but still. While we were at Bed Bath and Beyond and Ross, we were looking at bedding and shower curtains and home stuff, and I was thinking about how awesome it would be to be able to have my own place and decorate it however I wanted and just make it my own . . . I don't know that that'll ever happen, both because of finances and the fact that I want to be in a relationship but still, it was a pleasant daydream.
There is also a sense of relief that comes from being away from Ex-Fiance. Or away from our relationship, maybe. I don't know, but either way, I feel like a lot of stress has been cut out of my life. I feel more relaxed; I don't feel like I'm being judged because I'm not totally neat and organized. That's one thing about me and Ex-Fiance: I'm fairly disorganized and maybe a smidge messy, Ex-Fiance's a neat freak. And even though we should have balanced each other out, I think we always just stressed each other out. If I didn't get the house clean was at work I'd feel awful, and I'd feel like he was judging me for it. Here, I've got Jerbs, and she doesn't judge me for anything; she never has.
It's also about context, though. I'm not in a relationship with Jerbs, so really, I don't care too much what she thinks of me. I don't ever feel like I have to impress her. With Ex-Fiance, I think because we were in a romantic relationship, I felt pressure to be perfect. And I think he felt the same, and we were both stressed and not sure how to relax around each other. And it's crappy but I guess it's something we need to work on.
Don't get me wrong. I miss Ex-Fiance like crazy and I still maintain that I want to be with him eventually. But I don't think I realized how much I needed a little space as well.
Anyway, so I felt good all day yesterday, and then just before bed my mood kinda dropped. I just felt angry and frustrated and annoyed--I think it was a combination of heat, being tired, aggravation with Hastings, and something else--and I wondered if maybe the day had been a fluke. Like I was going to have one good day since it was new and then crash.
Today wasn't as good as yesterday but it was still good. Jerbs was off so we went downtown and had lunch and wandered around the shops; then we went to the mall and wandered around. It was fun. We came home and I made some actual progress unpacking (I hate packing and unpacking). And now I really should go to bed but I'm not all that tired.
So it's been better than expected so far. There have been some frustrations. One of Jerbs' cats thinks I'm her new mom and keeps trying to cuddle with me while I sleep and wake me up by bringing me toys to play with. Jerbs' other cat thinks I'm Satan and does this meow scream thing whenever I come near her . . . but she lets me pet her, she just keeps screaming the whole time. So weird. And the Hastings corporate office is taking their time with my transfer, so it hasn't gone through yet, so I'm not on the schedule yet. In the 2 seconds I met my new boss he said hopefully by the end of the week, which means I probably won't be working until next week. So that SUCKS. I won't lie, I'm ok with having more time to unpack and clean and settle in but still . . . I need money. I'll skip unpacking to work, I don't mind. I'm also sore all over from sleeping on my air bed (oh my gosh I miss Ex-Fiance's and my bed), and I'm annoyed that Ex-Fiance hasn't called or texted me since he left (except to tell me he made it back to Kingman), and I thought he'd call to check up on me.
Plus this place just isn't home, and I feel sort of like I don't have a home right now, y'know? It depresses me a little. It's also disorienting to be back in this city in this apartment complex with Jerbs, because it feels a lot like life did before I met Ex-Fiance. So I almost feel like that never happened--like I went back in time or had this life on pause and just came back to it or something. Very strange.
Anyway. That's all for now.
Yesterday was really good. I slept in and then went out via the bus. I went to Hastings but didn't get to meet my boss, unfortunately; I went to Bookman's and had tea, I went to JoAnn and Michael's and PetSmart, then I met Jerbs for dinner at Chipotle. (I love Chipotle). Then we wandered around Sallys, Ross, and Bed Bath and Beyond before we caught the bus home.
I was happier than I thought I would be, that's for sure, and in a way, I was happier here yesterday than I was in Kingman. I definitely wasn't expecting that; I thought I'd be breaking down. But there is just something about Flagstaff that I like. I mean, before I moved back to Kingman, I thought of Flagstaff as toxic. There were so many bad memories (everything that went wrong with Jerbs, being forgotten by my college friends after I graduated, getting sick and all that went with it, what happened when I started dating Ex-Fiance) that I was beyond ready to leave. And I still maintain that I probably wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life here. But being here and being more mentally healthy than I was a year ago makes this town tolerable. I think it's that Flagstaff is the type of place I want to be. I want to be somewhere green and a little rainy and cooler, somewhere that's a little more liberal and tolerant (because Kingman is a VERY conservative town), somewhere that's bigger than Kingman but not huge, somewhere that's got an art community. I like those things, and when I'm here, I almost feel like I have more potential. Like when I'm here, I feel like it's more OK to focus on my writing, if that makes sense. Maybe the potential thing is because in my head I associate Flagstaff with being in college, and back then I really did feel like I had potential. Granted, the thought of college has some negative connotations in my head too, but still. While we were at Bed Bath and Beyond and Ross, we were looking at bedding and shower curtains and home stuff, and I was thinking about how awesome it would be to be able to have my own place and decorate it however I wanted and just make it my own . . . I don't know that that'll ever happen, both because of finances and the fact that I want to be in a relationship but still, it was a pleasant daydream.
There is also a sense of relief that comes from being away from Ex-Fiance. Or away from our relationship, maybe. I don't know, but either way, I feel like a lot of stress has been cut out of my life. I feel more relaxed; I don't feel like I'm being judged because I'm not totally neat and organized. That's one thing about me and Ex-Fiance: I'm fairly disorganized and maybe a smidge messy, Ex-Fiance's a neat freak. And even though we should have balanced each other out, I think we always just stressed each other out. If I didn't get the house clean was at work I'd feel awful, and I'd feel like he was judging me for it. Here, I've got Jerbs, and she doesn't judge me for anything; she never has.
It's also about context, though. I'm not in a relationship with Jerbs, so really, I don't care too much what she thinks of me. I don't ever feel like I have to impress her. With Ex-Fiance, I think because we were in a romantic relationship, I felt pressure to be perfect. And I think he felt the same, and we were both stressed and not sure how to relax around each other. And it's crappy but I guess it's something we need to work on.
Don't get me wrong. I miss Ex-Fiance like crazy and I still maintain that I want to be with him eventually. But I don't think I realized how much I needed a little space as well.
Anyway, so I felt good all day yesterday, and then just before bed my mood kinda dropped. I just felt angry and frustrated and annoyed--I think it was a combination of heat, being tired, aggravation with Hastings, and something else--and I wondered if maybe the day had been a fluke. Like I was going to have one good day since it was new and then crash.
Today wasn't as good as yesterday but it was still good. Jerbs was off so we went downtown and had lunch and wandered around the shops; then we went to the mall and wandered around. It was fun. We came home and I made some actual progress unpacking (I hate packing and unpacking). And now I really should go to bed but I'm not all that tired.
So it's been better than expected so far. There have been some frustrations. One of Jerbs' cats thinks I'm her new mom and keeps trying to cuddle with me while I sleep and wake me up by bringing me toys to play with. Jerbs' other cat thinks I'm Satan and does this meow scream thing whenever I come near her . . . but she lets me pet her, she just keeps screaming the whole time. So weird. And the Hastings corporate office is taking their time with my transfer, so it hasn't gone through yet, so I'm not on the schedule yet. In the 2 seconds I met my new boss he said hopefully by the end of the week, which means I probably won't be working until next week. So that SUCKS. I won't lie, I'm ok with having more time to unpack and clean and settle in but still . . . I need money. I'll skip unpacking to work, I don't mind. I'm also sore all over from sleeping on my air bed (oh my gosh I miss Ex-Fiance's and my bed), and I'm annoyed that Ex-Fiance hasn't called or texted me since he left (except to tell me he made it back to Kingman), and I thought he'd call to check up on me.
Plus this place just isn't home, and I feel sort of like I don't have a home right now, y'know? It depresses me a little. It's also disorienting to be back in this city in this apartment complex with Jerbs, because it feels a lot like life did before I met Ex-Fiance. So I almost feel like that never happened--like I went back in time or had this life on pause and just came back to it or something. Very strange.
Anyway. That's all for now.
7.01.2012
Moving Day
Well, I'm officially in Flagstaff. My important shit is all in Jerbs' apartment and the less important stuff (ie most of it) is still in Kingman.
Basically the day went like this: kept resetting the alarm because I was tired, Dad calls to say his truck is having issues so we can't use it for the trip, have to buy more boxes and packing tape because I underestimated how much crap I have, load up the car with what we can fit/what I'll need right away, say goodbye to my family, and hit the road. Once we got to Flagstaff we unloaded, I inflated my super awesome air bed, Corey hung out for a while, we had dinner, got some groceries, and he left for Kingman. And now . . . here I am.
Honestly the day wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. I was vaguely anxious and depressed for most of it and I did have a couple moments of rage but I did a lot better than I thought I would. I didn't cry when he left, I just teared up a little. I'll admit there was a moment of just solid horrible anxiety as I watched him drive away, because I just had this feeling of oh my gosh, this is really it.
But I know from personal experience that it could've been a lot, lot, lot worse.
It's all just still very strange to me--like I still don't really believe this is happening and I still feel a little bit numb about it. It all just seems so sudden, I guess. But I really am here, and I really will wake up in the morning 150 miles away from Corey. It's bizarre, but I feel almost calm.
I still hope and think things will work out. I miss Corey already and I'm sure he's missing me. But for now this whole arrangement just might work.
Basically the day went like this: kept resetting the alarm because I was tired, Dad calls to say his truck is having issues so we can't use it for the trip, have to buy more boxes and packing tape because I underestimated how much crap I have, load up the car with what we can fit/what I'll need right away, say goodbye to my family, and hit the road. Once we got to Flagstaff we unloaded, I inflated my super awesome air bed, Corey hung out for a while, we had dinner, got some groceries, and he left for Kingman. And now . . . here I am.
Honestly the day wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. I was vaguely anxious and depressed for most of it and I did have a couple moments of rage but I did a lot better than I thought I would. I didn't cry when he left, I just teared up a little. I'll admit there was a moment of just solid horrible anxiety as I watched him drive away, because I just had this feeling of oh my gosh, this is really it.
But I know from personal experience that it could've been a lot, lot, lot worse.
It's all just still very strange to me--like I still don't really believe this is happening and I still feel a little bit numb about it. It all just seems so sudden, I guess. But I really am here, and I really will wake up in the morning 150 miles away from Corey. It's bizarre, but I feel almost calm.
I still hope and think things will work out. I miss Corey already and I'm sure he's missing me. But for now this whole arrangement just might work.
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