I am not working out tonight because it's storming like crazy. I don't mind running in the rain but the lightning is freaking SCARY, and I would rather not get electrocuted. Not tonight. Not ever, actually. No thanks.
I think it's time to just suck it up and go back to the gym. I prefer running outside but at the same time, it's just too easy to not do it, whether it's for a legit reason (like avoiding death by lightning) or for whatever random excuse I make up to avoid it. So tomorrow I'm going to make a concerted effort to put in some treadmill or elliptical time on my lunch hour and maybe after work as well.
8.26.2013
8.25.2013
This Week
I know this post is titled "This Week," but I'm actually going to talk about last week first.
Last week was awful. I didn't work out once. I feel like I had a good reason not to on Monday, because my legs were feeling a little tight/sore from the climb, and I didn't want to make that worse. But the rest of the week, there was no reason I couldn't have worked out. I also ate horribly. Like . . . worse than I have in a really, really, really long time. Last weekend was just so busy that I never went grocery shopping and whatever, and then during the week I kept ending up taking naps after work . . . it was so dumb. Seriously, it was just a dumb week as far as my fitness goals went. And now I feel shitty and huge physically and it's incredibly unpleasant.
So I'm very determined that this week is going to be different. I went grocery shopping tonight and I'm going to focus my effort on not eating out. It's so incredibly unnecessary and I need to stop. I also need to start working out more. I'm thinking of starting to go to the gym on my lunch break like I used to. I stopped doing that around the end of May because it was just so dang hot, and the thought of getting sweaty, changing into different clothes and getting even sweatier, then putting on my original sweaty clothes and going back to work sounded less than appealing. But it's cooling down and raining almost every day right now so that might be an option.
I need to go to bed earlier, too. I'm so horrible about staying up too late. I'm just a night owl. Always have been, probably always will be. But it turns into a vicious cycle (stay up too late, tired at work, nap when I get home, then can't sleep when it's time for bed) and I really need to get on top of it.
So that's that. No fast food M--F, work out everyday, in bed by 11 every night, no more naps.
We'll see how it goes.
Last week was awful. I didn't work out once. I feel like I had a good reason not to on Monday, because my legs were feeling a little tight/sore from the climb, and I didn't want to make that worse. But the rest of the week, there was no reason I couldn't have worked out. I also ate horribly. Like . . . worse than I have in a really, really, really long time. Last weekend was just so busy that I never went grocery shopping and whatever, and then during the week I kept ending up taking naps after work . . . it was so dumb. Seriously, it was just a dumb week as far as my fitness goals went. And now I feel shitty and huge physically and it's incredibly unpleasant.
So I'm very determined that this week is going to be different. I went grocery shopping tonight and I'm going to focus my effort on not eating out. It's so incredibly unnecessary and I need to stop. I also need to start working out more. I'm thinking of starting to go to the gym on my lunch break like I used to. I stopped doing that around the end of May because it was just so dang hot, and the thought of getting sweaty, changing into different clothes and getting even sweatier, then putting on my original sweaty clothes and going back to work sounded less than appealing. But it's cooling down and raining almost every day right now so that might be an option.
I need to go to bed earlier, too. I'm so horrible about staying up too late. I'm just a night owl. Always have been, probably always will be. But it turns into a vicious cycle (stay up too late, tired at work, nap when I get home, then can't sleep when it's time for bed) and I really need to get on top of it.
So that's that. No fast food M--F, work out everyday, in bed by 11 every night, no more naps.
We'll see how it goes.
Life Is Lovely
Yesterday was just one of those days. And I mean that in a good way. One of those days where I just felt happy and content and where I was very aware of exactly how amazing my life is now that I'm mentally healthy.
I slept in but still woke up at a decent hour, and spent the afternoon cleaning out and organizing my closet. That sounds so boring but I've been meaning to do it for a couple months now. I definitely have a tendency to just throw things into my closet and never really put it away properly, plus I have a bunch of clothes I haven't worn in at least a year (all of which is being donated to Big Brothers Big Sisters), and there was still a good amount of Jerbs' stuff in my closet that I wanted to move.
Then I picked up Jerbs from work and we had dinner at Ruby Tuesday, then wandered around the mall. Hot Topic was having a sale where everything in the store was buy one get one half off, which was exciting. Jerbs bought me these three bracelets:
Then we went to Old Navy to see if they had any good sales going, and to Cost Plus World Market because we hadn't been there in forever. Then we came home and just hung out, and ended up watching The Breakfast Club (which I have now only ever seen twice, and which Jerbs knows every single line to).
I slept in but still woke up at a decent hour, and spent the afternoon cleaning out and organizing my closet. That sounds so boring but I've been meaning to do it for a couple months now. I definitely have a tendency to just throw things into my closet and never really put it away properly, plus I have a bunch of clothes I haven't worn in at least a year (all of which is being donated to Big Brothers Big Sisters), and there was still a good amount of Jerbs' stuff in my closet that I wanted to move.
Then I picked up Jerbs from work and we had dinner at Ruby Tuesday, then wandered around the mall. Hot Topic was having a sale where everything in the store was buy one get one half off, which was exciting. Jerbs bought me these three bracelets:
 |
| LEGIT--because it just makes me laugh. On Wednesdays We Wear Pink--because Mean Girls is freaking awesome. I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good--because Harry Potter is even more freaking awesome than Mean Girls. |
It was just such a lovely day. I felt very content, and very contained within myself. I know that sounds odd but when I was sick, I used to have a lot of problems with dissociation and derealization, and I spent a lot of time feeling like I was sort of outside of my body, like I was watching my life from a distance but not actually living it. It was one of the most uncomfortable things I'd ever felt--that I've EVER felt, still--and I hated it. It was when that feeling was strongest that I would really start thinking about killing myself. So now, to feel like I'm actually HERE . . . it's pretty awesome.
I love days like that. Life's not perfect but it sure is better than it used to be!
8.18.2013
That Saturday I Climbed A Mountain
Yesterday was the 2013 Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I am very, very proud to say that I participated and finished the climb successfully!
That basically means that I walked from the base of the San Francisco peaks to the entrance of Snow Bowl--a distance of about 7 miles that is uphill the entire way.
I won't lie, it was hard. And painful. And there were definitely a couple times that I seriously considered throwing in the towel and jumping on one of the buses that kept driving by to the top (which you were supposed to do if you had to). Near the top my calves were numb and I felt like I was going to barf, but I made myself keep going, and I'm glad I did! Crossing the finish line was a great feeling.
My sister and a couple of her friends were also walking, so I spent a good amount of time with them. It wasn't until after the first mile post that I saw one of my co-workers, and I ended up walking with her the rest of the way. It was definitely a bonding experience, and I was happy to get to know her better. We saw a few other people from work along the way and then again at the very end. My sister and the friend she walked with finished a few minutes before me and my co-worker, and my sister's other friends finished a little behind us. All in all it was about a 3 hour hike. Thankfully they had city buses waiting at the top and we got to ride back down the mountain. While we were waiting in the bus line it started raining, and it poured the whole ride down. It felt amazing to finally be able to sit down and rest and enjoy the view.
Driving back down that road was probably one of the coolest parts of the day, not just because it meant I was finished, but because going down all those steep curves and turns and thinking, "I just freaking WALKED up this!" was mind blowing.
Afterwards I took a good long nap (I only slept for 2.5 hours the night before the climb . . . good job, me), and woke up with the worst headache I'd ever had in my life. And that's not an exaggeration . . . my head was throbbing and pounding and I was SO dizzy. I barely dragged myself out of bed to go to dinner. My legs, though, weren't sore at all.
Overall it was a great experience. There were so many people there working their butts off for a good cause, and everyone was cheering each other on; it was very uplifting. Plus I feel incredibly good about myself for accomplishing what I did. I pushed my body physically and I succeeded, and afterwards I felt almost invincible. It was an awesome feeling! I feel like going into this next week I'm more motivated than EVER to get my body into shape and where I want it to be. I'm definitely planning on some running and gym classes this week, provided that my body cooperates--ie, that I don't start feeling the climb in my legs. (Knock on wood!) It also just felt awesome to get out of the house on a Saturday and I kind of remember that I do actually enjoy doing outdoors-y stuff, and that I need to do it more.
I'm glad I participated in the climb, and even more glad that I was able to finish it. I'm definitely planning on doing it next year! Especially since I have a whole year to train before then!
That basically means that I walked from the base of the San Francisco peaks to the entrance of Snow Bowl--a distance of about 7 miles that is uphill the entire way.
I won't lie, it was hard. And painful. And there were definitely a couple times that I seriously considered throwing in the towel and jumping on one of the buses that kept driving by to the top (which you were supposed to do if you had to). Near the top my calves were numb and I felt like I was going to barf, but I made myself keep going, and I'm glad I did! Crossing the finish line was a great feeling.
My sister and a couple of her friends were also walking, so I spent a good amount of time with them. It wasn't until after the first mile post that I saw one of my co-workers, and I ended up walking with her the rest of the way. It was definitely a bonding experience, and I was happy to get to know her better. We saw a few other people from work along the way and then again at the very end. My sister and the friend she walked with finished a few minutes before me and my co-worker, and my sister's other friends finished a little behind us. All in all it was about a 3 hour hike. Thankfully they had city buses waiting at the top and we got to ride back down the mountain. While we were waiting in the bus line it started raining, and it poured the whole ride down. It felt amazing to finally be able to sit down and rest and enjoy the view.
Driving back down that road was probably one of the coolest parts of the day, not just because it meant I was finished, but because going down all those steep curves and turns and thinking, "I just freaking WALKED up this!" was mind blowing.
Afterwards I took a good long nap (I only slept for 2.5 hours the night before the climb . . . good job, me), and woke up with the worst headache I'd ever had in my life. And that's not an exaggeration . . . my head was throbbing and pounding and I was SO dizzy. I barely dragged myself out of bed to go to dinner. My legs, though, weren't sore at all.
Overall it was a great experience. There were so many people there working their butts off for a good cause, and everyone was cheering each other on; it was very uplifting. Plus I feel incredibly good about myself for accomplishing what I did. I pushed my body physically and I succeeded, and afterwards I felt almost invincible. It was an awesome feeling! I feel like going into this next week I'm more motivated than EVER to get my body into shape and where I want it to be. I'm definitely planning on some running and gym classes this week, provided that my body cooperates--ie, that I don't start feeling the climb in my legs. (Knock on wood!) It also just felt awesome to get out of the house on a Saturday and I kind of remember that I do actually enjoy doing outdoors-y stuff, and that I need to do it more.
I'm glad I participated in the climb, and even more glad that I was able to finish it. I'm definitely planning on doing it next year! Especially since I have a whole year to train before then!
8.11.2013
Sad News From Back Home
In the past week, 2 people I went to high school with have died.
One, who graduated with me and who I didn't know very well personally, was in a car accident. She had 3 kids and died the week before our ten year reunion.
The other, who graduated a year behind me, I was fairly close to my last year of high school when I TA'd for the junior A.P. English class he was in, the same class I'd taken the year before. We didn't keep in touch much after graduation but I know he was a bright, wonderful person. He took his own life Saturday night.
I hate hearing about people my age dying. I hate it. Even if it's someone I didn't really know or someone I lost touch with a long time ago, I hate it.
Suicides especially get to me. I think because of my own past with suicidal ideation, because of how much I wanted to do it . . . it just shakes me. Both in that I hate thinking of people I know going through that sort of mental anguish and giving in to those dark thoughts and in that it's a very chilling reminder that it very easily could have been me.
All I want right now is someone to hold me. Isn't that stupid? But true anyway.
One, who graduated with me and who I didn't know very well personally, was in a car accident. She had 3 kids and died the week before our ten year reunion.
The other, who graduated a year behind me, I was fairly close to my last year of high school when I TA'd for the junior A.P. English class he was in, the same class I'd taken the year before. We didn't keep in touch much after graduation but I know he was a bright, wonderful person. He took his own life Saturday night.
I hate hearing about people my age dying. I hate it. Even if it's someone I didn't really know or someone I lost touch with a long time ago, I hate it.
Suicides especially get to me. I think because of my own past with suicidal ideation, because of how much I wanted to do it . . . it just shakes me. Both in that I hate thinking of people I know going through that sort of mental anguish and giving in to those dark thoughts and in that it's a very chilling reminder that it very easily could have been me.
All I want right now is someone to hold me. Isn't that stupid? But true anyway.
8.08.2013
Some Not So Great News
Yesterday morning I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, and I went in expecting it to be pretty standard. But after going over some basics, my doctor asked me what I was thinking of doing as far as follow up. I was totally confused, but it turns out that Dr. Wright is actually closing his practice and moving to Arkansas. Apparently they sent letters to all his patients about this back in June but for whatever reason they had my Kingman address on file (I KNOW I updated that when I moved back up here). So he's leaving in September.
I'm so sad! I'm glad for Dr. Wright and I know that he's taking advantage of a good opportunity professionally, but I will definitely, definitely miss him. I am sincerely beyond grateful to him for his help. If it wasn't for Dr. Wright, who finally listened to my symptoms and gave me a correct diagnosis and appropriate treatment, I would probably be dead right now. I really do believe that.
We chose Dr. Wright because he was the first doctor Corey called who took uninsured patients; by the time we talked to him I was losing hope pretty fast. He ended up being great for me; we just clicked, and I owe a huge amount of my success to him. I'm so grateful for that.
I thanked him for everything he's done for me, and he thanked me in return and told me that it's been a privilege to see how much I've improved the past couple years. He told me that he'll always remember me as a success story, and that was fantastic to hear.
As far as treatment goes, I have an appointment with another doctor in the same building in September, and after that, I'll probably start seeing the doctor who's replacing Dr. Wright. He said he thinks she'd be a good fit for me, but she doesn't start until October and her schedule's pretty insane until December-ish, and I'll need medication refills before that, so this appointment in September is a "bridge" appointment, basically.
I'm not thrilled about having to start over with someone new (TWO more rounds of new patient paper work, awesome!) but I'm not dreading it either. I'm at a point where I feel like I know what I need from a provider, so I feel like regardless of who the doctor is, I can advocate for myself, if that makes sense.
I'm more bummed to see Dr. Wright go than anything. I may have cried a little on the way to work after my appointment, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I wish him the best, and again, my gratitude for him is tremendous.
I'm so sad! I'm glad for Dr. Wright and I know that he's taking advantage of a good opportunity professionally, but I will definitely, definitely miss him. I am sincerely beyond grateful to him for his help. If it wasn't for Dr. Wright, who finally listened to my symptoms and gave me a correct diagnosis and appropriate treatment, I would probably be dead right now. I really do believe that.
We chose Dr. Wright because he was the first doctor Corey called who took uninsured patients; by the time we talked to him I was losing hope pretty fast. He ended up being great for me; we just clicked, and I owe a huge amount of my success to him. I'm so grateful for that.
I thanked him for everything he's done for me, and he thanked me in return and told me that it's been a privilege to see how much I've improved the past couple years. He told me that he'll always remember me as a success story, and that was fantastic to hear.
As far as treatment goes, I have an appointment with another doctor in the same building in September, and after that, I'll probably start seeing the doctor who's replacing Dr. Wright. He said he thinks she'd be a good fit for me, but she doesn't start until October and her schedule's pretty insane until December-ish, and I'll need medication refills before that, so this appointment in September is a "bridge" appointment, basically.
I'm not thrilled about having to start over with someone new (TWO more rounds of new patient paper work, awesome!) but I'm not dreading it either. I'm at a point where I feel like I know what I need from a provider, so I feel like regardless of who the doctor is, I can advocate for myself, if that makes sense.
I'm more bummed to see Dr. Wright go than anything. I may have cried a little on the way to work after my appointment, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I wish him the best, and again, my gratitude for him is tremendous.
8.03.2013
Weigh In # 8 (2013)
This is going to be quick because I feel like total poo, both mentally and physically.
195.2 pounds. Which means a loss of 3.8 pounds in July. Not too terribly impressive but still a start, right?
(And I don't know what's wrong with the little MyFitnessPal ticker on the side of the blog . . . I can't get it to reflect the loss despite resetting it quite a few times so . . . whatevs).
I also ran 5.75 miles in July, which again, doesn't sound like much, but still, a great start.
So August goals are to keep running and take a few classes at my gym. I want to try boxing and get back to yoga. I'm hiking 7 miles on the 17th, too, and I feel like that'll do me some good fitness wise. (IF I survive it . . . it's up Snowbowl so . . . we'll see how that goes).
Anyway. That's about it. I don't know wtf is wrong with me but I'm kind of a mess at the moment . . . I just feel totally disengaged and off and I can't explain it. I think that's probably for another entry but . . . yeah.
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