Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

I always seem to miss you more on Fridays.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Corey

Dear Ex-Fiance,

I've had a lot on my mind lately--a lot of stuff about you and what happened between us and how much my mental illness issues contributed to it.

Then tonight I was reading old emails between you and I and old journal entries of mine that had to do with the mental stuff and you.

And I want you to know that I am sorry.  I am so, so, so sorry for everything I put you through.

Because as my head's gotten a little clearer and I've gotten space and time I've started to see how awful I was at points.  And I'm so sorry for that.  From the bottom of my heart.  I put you through a lot that you didn't deserve and I am sorry.

I don't want you to know that in the hopes that you'll want me back or anything like that.  I want you to know that because it's a genuine, sincere feeling.  I think you're wonderful, and I'm sorry for hurting you.

I truly hope, with everything I have, that someday you will be able to look at me and not see those things.  I hope that someday you'll see a woman who has fought a battle and won, a woman you can love and have a future with.

I want you to know that even when I was at my worst, I loved you.  That was never in question, not for one second of our relationship.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

Last night Jerbs and I had a long debate/discussion that involved Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.  And I initiated it and made some good Star Wars related points.  Then it evolved to include Harry Potter.

I think you'd have been proud, since it was you who finally forced me to watch Star Wars.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance

I wish you knew how much I love you.

Love Always,
Jessica

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

I know that right now, I am not in a place where I can or should be in a relationship with anyone.  I know that it was that way for a good chunk throughout our relationship.  And I'm sorry for that.

But I did and do love you very, very much--I have since our first date.  And I believe there really is something between us.

And even though I'm not "relationship material" right now, I know that at some point, soon, I will be.  Someday I will be completely healthy enough to be in a relationship again.

So I guess I'm trying to say please wait for me.  Please don't look for anyone else, please don't find someone else.  I know that you miss me and that you still care about me, and my gut feeling is that you still love me--so please wait for me.  I know it would be worth it for both of us, because we are good together.  And you said once that I was worth waiting for, so I hope you think that still.

That's all I'm asking of you.  And I know it's a lot but after everything between us I think I deserve this, y'know?

Love,
Jessica

PS And if you're planning to wait for me . . . it wouldn't kill either of us for you to, y'know, tell me that.

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance

I'm sorry for being mean to you earlier.  Really, I am.  I shouldn't take it out on you.  Sometimes, though, when everything starts to pile up (like no one calling me for a job and not having a car and not being able to sleep and not having any money and not being sure when I'll be able to see my psychiatrist or get my medication again) it's hard to not blame you.  Like, my head will just kind of sneak in this thought that you put me here, that if you hadn't decided to be selfish and dump me I'd still be in Kingman, helping you set up your classroom and getting ready to start bells and orchestra with you again.

And I do miss that life, more than I even believe I do.  I want those things back.  But at the same time I know I wasn't really happy there either.

Most of that unhappiness had to do with me.  I love(d) you and I was so glad to be living with you and I was looking forward to a life together but my head still never felt right.  But there was so much else going on that I couldn't focus on that.

I know that this is where I need to be right now, it's just hard.  I miss you.  A lot.

But I still believe that we had something very good and very real between us.  That connection and those feelings couldn't be fake--at least, I don't think so.  And I still believe that if we take some time and if I get better we could have a really wonderful life together.

And that's what I want.

And I want to know if there is any part of you that feels the same.  If there's any part of you that wants that too.

I want you to know that if that were the case--if you did want to work things out, if you did want to acknowledge that we're still committed to each other--it wouldn't change anything.  I wouldn't rush back to Kingman and move back in with you or anything like that.  We could just . . . talk things through, visit each other, whatever.

And I wouldn't expect to jump right back into being engaged, either.  I would be content to call you my boyfriend again.

I don't even know why I'm writing all of this; it's just what's been on my mind tonight.  I think there is some tiny (and very pathetic) part of me that thinks maybe you do still love me like that, but you don't want to say it because you're afraid of my reaction.

Anyway.  I'm exhausted and rambling so goodnight.

I love you.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

Sometimes I feel so angry with you, because I think, I can't do this alone.  I can't get better by myself.  You promised to help me and I need your help.  And I get angry because you decided you didn't want to help me, that you'd rather live your own life.

But then I remember that you did help me, and you tried to help me; you did everything you could for me.  And I refused to let you.  I refused to be helped.  And you eventually realized that I'd never be able to get better with you and I the way we were.

That, really, is the point of this: I never would have gotten better while I was trying to focus on my relationship with you.  I need to get better on my own.

And sometimes I think that it's unfair that I need to change who I am to be with you.  But I know it's not wrong to ask someone to change the worst, most toxic parts of themselves, the part of themselves that is an illness.  And I'm not getting better for you anyway--I'm getting better for me.

I just loved how willing you were to stand by me through the mental illness, and I hope that someday you're that willing to stand by me again.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

I miss you.  More than anything, that's what I feel right now.  For some reason I've just really been aware of it lately--how much I miss you and how strange it is to just not really have you in my life.

I won't lie, sometimes I feel bitter and angry towards you; sometimes I wish you were here just so I could yell at you for breaking my heart.  I think of things sometimes and just get made.  Like that it feels like a slap in the face that you dumped me on the last day of school; that you were like, you helped me get through the school year and now take a hike.  That really, really fucking hurt.  Or about how you promised to help me get better and then sent me away to do it by myself.  (I know that's not right, because when you were willing to help me I wasn't willing to be helped, and I know that).  Sometimes I think you just want someone who's perfect and I couldn't be perfect fast enough.

Sometimes I just wonder what went wrong.  Because sometimes it still feels very unreal.

But at the end of the day I always still love you.  And I still hope with all my heart that eventually we'll both be in a place where we can be together again.  That's what I want.

The thing is, when we were together, even though I loved you and was sure, there was always this tiny part of my head that questioned whether or not it was really what I wanted.  I think it was mostly just mental illness but every now and then I'd have a day where I'd wonder what it would be like if I weren't with you, if I weren't getting married, etc.  It always went away but it bugged me that I thought those things at all, mental illness or no.

But the time apart from you has made me realize how much that is what I want.  I want to be with you.  I want to get married.  I want to build a life with you and do all of the things we'd planned to do together.  And  I hope that on some level you still want that too.

I love you.  Very much.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

Come back to me.

Please, please, please, come back to me.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

The hardest part of this is how you basically just ignore me now.

Why is it that you act affectionate when we see each other?  When I tell you face to face that I love you, you say it back.  When I text it to you I get nothing.  And . . . I don't get it.  I mean, I know I shouldn't be telling you I love you at all, but I do love you and I can't just not tell you that.

I really am trying to be patient.  But you said you'd always love me as a friend so . . . I don't know, maybe act like it.  Some days I ask Jerbs if she's heard from you and she tells me you ask how I am and how I'm doing.  I have a phone too.  You could just . . . ask me.

Sometimes my head still goes crazy wondering why you do this.  Is it hard for you to talk to me because you know what my feelings about us are and you don't want to lead me on?  Or is it that you still have feelings to me and too much contact makes you want to work things out now?

I don't know.  I hope it's the latter.  Really I hope it's anything but the former.  But how do you do it?  How do you just . . . stop like that?  I hate not talking to you; there are moments when I want to talk to you so badly that it's all I can do not to break down and call you.  When that happens my gut feeling is that you don't want to hear from me anyway and I'd only be let down by the conversation, and I don't want to put myself through that.

I hate not talking to you and you seem completely fine never speaking to me.  It makes me wonder if you ever cared about me the way you said you did.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

Tonight I just feel angry with you.

I'm angry with you for not calling me or texting me--for not even texting me back when I text you something meaningless.  I guess I expected more concern on your part.

I'm angry with you for making me feel so stupid, for making me feel like our whole relationship was a lie.  I think back to times when I felt genuinely happy and when I thought you did too, and now I feel like in those moments . . . you were just pretending.  But I wasn't pretending; those moments really were my life.  And I think about how excited I was to talk about our wedding, and I remember asking you about invitations and colors and the ceremony and venues and you never cared about any of it.  I believe now that you never wanted to marry me, and I feel stupid for being excited about those things.  I feel like such a freaking idiot.  I wish you had ended it sooner, because I feel like I got led on, and I don't like that.  I have never felt so foolish.

I feel foolish for being excited to marry you and foolish for thinking you could ever actually be happy with someone like me.

I really believed that you cared for me.

I know that I caused a lot of the issues in our relationship, and I regret that more than you know.  But you have to understand that I will never, ever, EVER be perfect.  I will never not be bipolar, and even once all that is totally under control, I won't be perfect.  Sometimes I felt like that's what you wanted--perfection.  Smiles and happiness all the time.  And that's just not realistic.  I'm sorry I can't be perfect.  But I did love you, more than anything, unconditionally.  I thought you felt that way too.

There are moments when I wish we'd never met.  When I wish I'd taken Theresa home after the first store we went to that night instead of dragging her to WalMart with me.  Or that I'd never offered to give you a shoulder to cry on, or that I'd told you no when you asked me to go get ice cream with you that night.  The memories of the good times really aren't enough to make it worth it--especially since I was the only one who was ever happy in our relationship.

Sometimes I think about how much I want to be with you and work things out but I honestly don't know that I'd ever be able to trust you again.  I see you . . . differently now, I guess, because I honestly didn't believe you could hurt me this much.  I know that I've hurt you too, and I've done everything I can to make up for that.

It hurts more than you know to be nothing to you.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

For some reason right now I miss you more than I have since you left.  I want so badly to call or text you right now.

I wish you knew how much I missed you; I wish you missed me the same.  I wish I was on your mind right now the same way you're on mine.  Well, you're sleeping right now, I'm sure, so I wish you were dreaming of me.

Earlier tonight I was reading old emails you sent me (remember the Wake Up calls)?  And you said such wonderful things to me an I know you meant them and I just . . . I want that back.  And I'm so sorry for ever being mean about them--because I know the reason you stopped the Wake Up calls was that I said something nasty about them on Twitter or somewhere.  Why did I do that?  I loved those emails, they meant the world to me, and I honestly don't know why I reacted that way.  I just . . . I don't know how to be happy.  But I know I want to be happy with you.

You have no idea how much I love you.  I don't think I even realized how much I did until you left this apartment a week ago.  I feel like part of me is missing.  Do you feel that way?  I hope you do.

Love,
Jessica


**I don't care how stupid and overdramatic this is, it makes me feel better to write it out like letters . . . and it's my blog so there**