I find it really hard to believe it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here, especially given how much I used to write, but . . . well, the date on the last entry doesn't lie, so I guess it's really been that long.
I'm just so busy lately. Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing. (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible. I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).
There's really not a lot to talk about, though.
Work is work. This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better. We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there. I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.
My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day. I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise. I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks. At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it. I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out. (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).
The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with) came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game. It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun. And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones. I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games. It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends. The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex. So much nostalgia, for so many things.
Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience. I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to. I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker. I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged. Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons. My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful. Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas. But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman. I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again. And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.
It's really pointless to think all that. What's done is done. I know my family loves me. I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better. Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.
I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.
Showing posts with label Austin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Austin. Show all posts
11.09.2014
5.18.2014
A Saucy Weekend
Yesterday my sister and Austin went to a Diamondbacks game in Phoenix; one of Jenny's good friends rents the pool at the field and invites all her friends and their kids and it's becoming a tradition. One of my sister's friends and her boyfriend, who live here in Flagstaff, went with them this year, so Jenny and Austin got to spend some time in Flag before and after they went down to Phoenix. Which, of course, meant I got to spend lots of time with that sweet little nephew of mine.
I love getting to spend time with this child. He just makes my heart happy and I am so grateful that I get to be a part of his life, even if it's from a distance.
We went to Michaels and JoAnns, did arts and crafts, played with Max and Hollie, and fed the ducks at the pond. I didn't get any pictures while we were at the pond (because supervising Austin, carrying all our stuff, and holding onto two dogs--one of whom wants nothing more than to throw herself into the pond after the ducks--made it a little hard to take pictures).
 |
| He colored with Auntie Jerbs. |
 |
| And painted a pirate ship birdhouse. |
 |
| And of course cuddled Max. Because they're besties. |
I love getting to spend time with this child. He just makes my heart happy and I am so grateful that I get to be a part of his life, even if it's from a distance.
11.05.2013
K-Town & Austy's 5th(!) Birthday
This past weekend's trip to Kingman was really, really good.
I left on Friday (way later than I meant to) and got in a little before 7:00. Austin was SO excited to see me! That evening I took him out to dinner (at Cracker Barrel, his favorite), and Jillian joined us. Then I took him to Hastings and let him pick out his birthday gifts. The look on his face when I told him he could spend $40 for his birthday was priceless. I know $40 is a lot . . . I think it was a combination of how cute that kid is and how guilty I felt about not visiting my family since June. Anyway, he got Mario Yahtzee (I have no idea why) and this little science kit thing. As he called it, he got "Mario Ahtzee and science!"
The next morning we went to Austin's soccer game, which was pretty hilarious. Austin likes to kind of rev up when it's his turn to kick the ball in, so he starts running from way back at the goal net and then kicks. It's just fantastic, and by the end of the game all the kids on his team were doing it. Afterwards I took Jillian to lunch at Chipotle (because they opened one in Kingman, which is so weird!) and we talked about her plans for the future, which was nice. Jillian is one of those people who's got a great head on her shoulders but just needs to figure out how to use it, and I think she's making progress.
And then it was time for Austin's birthday party! My sister has gotten a lot smarter about throwing little kid parties, so this year, we had it at this park near my mom's house, and had cupcakes instead of a cake. It was fun, and Max was in heaven with all these little kids wanting to pet him and love on him. Afterwards I helped Austy build some of the Legos he got for his birthday. Austin is always endlessly impressed with my Lego skills, which makes me happy.
Sunday morning my sister was working so Austin had to go to daycare, so we said goodbye before he left since I was anticipating leaving before he'd be out of daycare. I went to my dad's and we visited and he changed the oil in my car (woohoo!), and then I went back to my sister's and took a nap. By the time I woke up it was afternoon and I decided to stick around and pick Austin up from daycare as a surprise. The look on his face when I walked in was amazing. He said, "Auntica, I thought you were going home!" And I said, "I was, but then I decided I'd rather hang out with you some more instead!" He was so excited. We went to this frozen yogurt place he likes (I don't actually know the name of it, but it's by Home Depot) and got some frozen yogurt. They have board games there that you can play and Austin got all excited when he saw they had Yahtzee, so we played that while we ate our yogurt. It was just lovely.
Afterwards I took Austin to my mom's, hung out for a little while, and then had to leave. Poor Austin was so sad, he was crying his sweet little eyes out because he didn't want me to leave. It was pretty heart wrenching. I hate hearing him cry. I think how I feel about Austin is probably the closest I'll ever get to maternal instinct, so it was hard. I just love him so much.
So now I'm back in Flagstaff, dealing with fun new crap at work and missing my family. This visit was probably the best one I've had since the breakup, and that makes me happy.
I wish Austin could stay this age forever. I wish he could spend his whole life thinking the world was bounce houses, Legos, and people who love him unconditionally and without reserve. But since he can't, I just want to remember that right now, he is this perfect distillation of joy and energy and good all contained in a gangly, grinning little boy.
I left on Friday (way later than I meant to) and got in a little before 7:00. Austin was SO excited to see me! That evening I took him out to dinner (at Cracker Barrel, his favorite), and Jillian joined us. Then I took him to Hastings and let him pick out his birthday gifts. The look on his face when I told him he could spend $40 for his birthday was priceless. I know $40 is a lot . . . I think it was a combination of how cute that kid is and how guilty I felt about not visiting my family since June. Anyway, he got Mario Yahtzee (I have no idea why) and this little science kit thing. As he called it, he got "Mario Ahtzee and science!"
The next morning we went to Austin's soccer game, which was pretty hilarious. Austin likes to kind of rev up when it's his turn to kick the ball in, so he starts running from way back at the goal net and then kicks. It's just fantastic, and by the end of the game all the kids on his team were doing it. Afterwards I took Jillian to lunch at Chipotle (because they opened one in Kingman, which is so weird!) and we talked about her plans for the future, which was nice. Jillian is one of those people who's got a great head on her shoulders but just needs to figure out how to use it, and I think she's making progress.
And then it was time for Austin's birthday party! My sister has gotten a lot smarter about throwing little kid parties, so this year, we had it at this park near my mom's house, and had cupcakes instead of a cake. It was fun, and Max was in heaven with all these little kids wanting to pet him and love on him. Afterwards I helped Austy build some of the Legos he got for his birthday. Austin is always endlessly impressed with my Lego skills, which makes me happy.
Sunday morning my sister was working so Austin had to go to daycare, so we said goodbye before he left since I was anticipating leaving before he'd be out of daycare. I went to my dad's and we visited and he changed the oil in my car (woohoo!), and then I went back to my sister's and took a nap. By the time I woke up it was afternoon and I decided to stick around and pick Austin up from daycare as a surprise. The look on his face when I walked in was amazing. He said, "Auntica, I thought you were going home!" And I said, "I was, but then I decided I'd rather hang out with you some more instead!" He was so excited. We went to this frozen yogurt place he likes (I don't actually know the name of it, but it's by Home Depot) and got some frozen yogurt. They have board games there that you can play and Austin got all excited when he saw they had Yahtzee, so we played that while we ate our yogurt. It was just lovely.
Afterwards I took Austin to my mom's, hung out for a little while, and then had to leave. Poor Austin was so sad, he was crying his sweet little eyes out because he didn't want me to leave. It was pretty heart wrenching. I hate hearing him cry. I think how I feel about Austin is probably the closest I'll ever get to maternal instinct, so it was hard. I just love him so much.
So now I'm back in Flagstaff, dealing with fun new crap at work and missing my family. This visit was probably the best one I've had since the breakup, and that makes me happy.
I wish Austin could stay this age forever. I wish he could spend his whole life thinking the world was bounce houses, Legos, and people who love him unconditionally and without reserve. But since he can't, I just want to remember that right now, he is this perfect distillation of joy and energy and good all contained in a gangly, grinning little boy.
11.07.2012
A Much Better Trip To K-town
I went to Kingman this past weekend. I was there from Friday until Monday. I won't lie, I was a little apprehensive about going, just because my last visit sucked so badly.
--He got to meet Irene, Jerbs' cat, and pet her. It was really cute. He also walked around my apartment picking up totally random items and asking if they were Auntie Jerbs's. It was too funny. We ended up bringing this flashlight thing and some Halloween hole punches to Kingman because he wanted to play with them.
But all the worry was mostly for nothing because I ended up having a great time in Kingman. It was a good trip, and much, much better than the last time.
This time, I didn't have to rent a car or take the bus--my sister came and got me and brought me back. I am so incredibly grateful to her for doing that, because it saved me a lot of trouble and a lot of money too. Granted I felt a little like a loser needing such a long ride but whatever, I'm still happy I went.
I had a great time. I spent most of my weekend with Austin and we had so much fun together. We played monsters and Batman and I gave him a few baths (he's a fish and loves to play in the bath). We watched TV together and played Buzz Lightyear games on the computer. I wish I had the time and energy to write down all of the funny and cute and sweet things he did/said while I was there but since I don't, here are the highlights.
--He got to meet Irene, Jerbs' cat, and pet her. It was really cute. He also walked around my apartment picking up totally random items and asking if they were Auntie Jerbs's. It was too funny. We ended up bringing this flashlight thing and some Halloween hole punches to Kingman because he wanted to play with them.
--His concern with bringing Benji to Kingman, like wear Benji would sleep and whether or not he'd bite Dolce and get her dirty.
--He put Benji's bed near Dolce's then sat in between and read the dogs a bed time story.
--Him actually sleeping in the living room with me for TWO nights! On Friday he slept on the little couch and on Saturday afternoon he informed me that I had to sleep on the little couch that night. Needless to say, that didn't happen, but it was funny.
--Him telling his mom he needed a needle to hang something up in his room.
--Before they picked me up, his mom and my other sister had gone to the mall, and my sister had gotten him a few bday presents. They were in the back of the car and when Austin saw them (as we were putting my stuff in) he said, "You bought me presents? Nice mama! Nice mama!" Later that weekend she did something he didn't like and he said, "Bad mama! Bad mama!" Too funny.
--Him telling Shannon she needed to get out of the bounce house because she was too little to bounce with me, my sister, and Taryn, and helping her out of the bounce house. Later he made Shannon put socks on to go back in the bounce house with him.
--Having a sword fight with him in the driveway, where he got a sword and I got two golf clubs. It was pretty awesome.
--Taking him to Cracker Barrel for lunch on his birthday, where the servers sang happy birthday to him and gave him a piece of chocolate cake. He was so adorably shy and embarrassed over it.
--Him insisting that the toy he wanted from the Cracker Barrel shop was a grabber. Which he did get, and then proceeded to use to grab my dad by the wrist and lead him around the front yard while reassuring him that even though he was going to jail, he'd come get him when it got to dark time.
--Austin's horror when I suggested putting his pajamas on before it was "dark time." (Sometimes I forget that not everyone wears sweats at home.)
--On our way out of town for the return trip we stopped for gas, and Austin and I went inside for a snack/drink. Austin wanted an icee, and he made me mix all 4 flavors of icee they had.
--We dropped him off with his dad on our way to Flag and it was so hard to say good bye to him. But we agreed we'd have another sleepover sometime soon.
---------------
Non Austin related highlights . . .
My sister's driveway has a really steep, pretty long hill down to the street. When Austin and I were sword fighting, he "got" me and I had to fall down, and on a whim, I rolled down the driveway. Like stomach to back. Seemed like a good idea at the time even if it was a little painful, and Austin was incredibly entertained, so it was worth it. Well, I woke up on Monday sore as hell, and I'm having trouble moving my left shoulder. Go me.
On Friday night Shannon (my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically consider my 3rd sister) let me drive her car to go get food for me and Saucy. I was so touched. I love Shannon, and I'm glad she and my sister are such good friends.
On Saturday night my sister and I had a long, painful conversation about some things that was actually pretty . . . I don't know, but definitely good. It was nice to talk some things out and feel validated in some of the things I feel and have gone through. It was nice to have someone believe me and not just write me off as crazy. Plus it's nice to be able to have such a conversation with my sister, because honestly, we're not too close, and that's something I regret and that makes me sad. It felt like a deeper connection for a while, and I liked that.
Sunday night I got depressed. I just felt so sad that I had to leave, and I was going to miss Austin so much. I cried a little. I told Austin I loved him a lot, which I think he found strange, but whatever. I just miss him and my family so much.
On Monday my sister and I shopped and had dinner together (with Jerbs too) at the mall before she left to go back to Ktown. It was nice to hang out with her more one on one and just be able to talk. Plus Jerbs and I showed her the Gangnam Style video before she left, and everyone should see that.
In a moment of epic failure I left my phone in Jenny's car, and of course didn't realize it until Jenny'd been gone almost 2 hours--which meant she was about in Kingman so there was zero chance she could bring me my phone. My mom has it now and should mail it tomorrow . . . blergh. I'm very annoyed with myself for that one.
So overall, it was a great trip. I felt very at peace while I was there, and that whole depression/funk I'd been in lifted a lot. But it was also a little sad, because it was a very very clear reminder that I want to be in Kingman. That I miss that life a lot. After Austin's party I thought about how glad I'd be if I were leaving with and going home with Corey, and it was just . . . kind of bittersweet, I guess. I just felt wistful. But I never broke down.
As for Corey and me, I did text him on Saturday, just to say that I was in town and I'd love to see him and to let me know if he wanted to hang out. As far as I know he never texted me back (but I was having phone issues). So that's that. I'm still not giving up hope. And the fact that I came back just fine even though I never heard from is a sign that I'm doing better, so I'm glad for that.
I got back to Flagstaff feeling determined. I feel determined to get back to working on myself. I'm going to get back to my diet and health stuff, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to try to get into counseling (no guarantee on that one though, just for financial reasons), I'm going to work on my grad school stuff and my writing. I'm going to remain hopeful about Corey and me, because I still feel, in my heart, that we'll end up together. I just have to be patient.
--Having a sword fight with him in the driveway, where he got a sword and I got two golf clubs. It was pretty awesome.
--Taking him to Cracker Barrel for lunch on his birthday, where the servers sang happy birthday to him and gave him a piece of chocolate cake. He was so adorably shy and embarrassed over it.
--Him insisting that the toy he wanted from the Cracker Barrel shop was a grabber. Which he did get, and then proceeded to use to grab my dad by the wrist and lead him around the front yard while reassuring him that even though he was going to jail, he'd come get him when it got to dark time.
--Austin's horror when I suggested putting his pajamas on before it was "dark time." (Sometimes I forget that not everyone wears sweats at home.)
--On our way out of town for the return trip we stopped for gas, and Austin and I went inside for a snack/drink. Austin wanted an icee, and he made me mix all 4 flavors of icee they had.
--We dropped him off with his dad on our way to Flag and it was so hard to say good bye to him. But we agreed we'd have another sleepover sometime soon.
---------------
Non Austin related highlights . . .
My sister's driveway has a really steep, pretty long hill down to the street. When Austin and I were sword fighting, he "got" me and I had to fall down, and on a whim, I rolled down the driveway. Like stomach to back. Seemed like a good idea at the time even if it was a little painful, and Austin was incredibly entertained, so it was worth it. Well, I woke up on Monday sore as hell, and I'm having trouble moving my left shoulder. Go me.
On Friday night Shannon (my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically consider my 3rd sister) let me drive her car to go get food for me and Saucy. I was so touched. I love Shannon, and I'm glad she and my sister are such good friends.
On Saturday night my sister and I had a long, painful conversation about some things that was actually pretty . . . I don't know, but definitely good. It was nice to talk some things out and feel validated in some of the things I feel and have gone through. It was nice to have someone believe me and not just write me off as crazy. Plus it's nice to be able to have such a conversation with my sister, because honestly, we're not too close, and that's something I regret and that makes me sad. It felt like a deeper connection for a while, and I liked that.
Sunday night I got depressed. I just felt so sad that I had to leave, and I was going to miss Austin so much. I cried a little. I told Austin I loved him a lot, which I think he found strange, but whatever. I just miss him and my family so much.
On Monday my sister and I shopped and had dinner together (with Jerbs too) at the mall before she left to go back to Ktown. It was nice to hang out with her more one on one and just be able to talk. Plus Jerbs and I showed her the Gangnam Style video before she left, and everyone should see that.
In a moment of epic failure I left my phone in Jenny's car, and of course didn't realize it until Jenny'd been gone almost 2 hours--which meant she was about in Kingman so there was zero chance she could bring me my phone. My mom has it now and should mail it tomorrow . . . blergh. I'm very annoyed with myself for that one.
So overall, it was a great trip. I felt very at peace while I was there, and that whole depression/funk I'd been in lifted a lot. But it was also a little sad, because it was a very very clear reminder that I want to be in Kingman. That I miss that life a lot. After Austin's party I thought about how glad I'd be if I were leaving with and going home with Corey, and it was just . . . kind of bittersweet, I guess. I just felt wistful. But I never broke down.
As for Corey and me, I did text him on Saturday, just to say that I was in town and I'd love to see him and to let me know if he wanted to hang out. As far as I know he never texted me back (but I was having phone issues). So that's that. I'm still not giving up hope. And the fact that I came back just fine even though I never heard from is a sign that I'm doing better, so I'm glad for that.
I got back to Flagstaff feeling determined. I feel determined to get back to working on myself. I'm going to get back to my diet and health stuff, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to try to get into counseling (no guarantee on that one though, just for financial reasons), I'm going to work on my grad school stuff and my writing. I'm going to remain hopeful about Corey and me, because I still feel, in my heart, that we'll end up together. I just have to be patient.
11.05.2012
The Sauce Monster is 4 Years Old!
Austin is 4 years old today!
His party was yesterday and he had a great time playing with his friends, jumping in the bounce house, eating cake, and opening the ton of presents everyone brought him.
I can't believe he's 4. I can't believe how much life has changed since he was born.
I ended a 5 year relationship. I lost a good job. I sank into mental illness so deeply I could barely get back out. I met the love of my life. I moved back to Kingman. I started treatment. I found a job. I lost the love of my life. And now . . . here I am.
But that's really got nothing to do with Austin.
Y'know how people say that they didn't know how much they could love someone until they were parents? That they're amazed at how quickly and completely they loved their child?
I think a slightly lesser version of that happens to aunts and uncles and grandparents, too. I have no idea what it feels like to actually be a parent so I'm not going to say it's the same. But I know that the first time I saw Austin, when he was a couple days old and just a wrinkly little baby with dark peach fuzz on his head, I loved him. My sister handed him to me and I was completely hooked. Not necessarily in a protective mama bear way--I just loved him. I remember this sense of wanting him to always be happy and healthy and comfortable and that I'd do whatever I could to make those things happen.
I love him even more now. I love that he's old enough to be my little buddy; that we have inside jokes and games and memories and a relationship. As sad as it makes me to be away from him, I'm glad he misses me and glad he remembers me.
I'll always be his aunt and his friend and his ally. Whatever he wants to do with his life I'll support and help him with all I can.
So happy birthday Saucy!! Auntica loves you more than you could imagine!
11.01.2012
A Difficult Day
Halloween was hard for me.
I just felt very depressed that day. It felt so strange to be in Flagstaff and by myself on Halloween. I know that sounds stupid because Halloween . . . not a terribly sentimental holiday. But I'm sentimental about everything and . . . well.
Halloween 2010 fell on a Sunday, and I spent that weekend in Chinle with Corey and his family. It was the first time I'd visited Chinle in my life, and it was only the second time I met his family. It was a wonderful weekend; I fit in so well with his family and I felt so welcomed by them. And Corey was thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to get to know his family. Halloween night we built a fire and handed out candy and I was introduced to a good chunk of family friends, and it just made me so happy. On the drive back to Flagstaff Corey asked me if I could see myself living in Chinle and I didn't hesitate to say yes; that night, back in Flagstaff when we were going to bed, he asked me to marry him. He'd asked before ("for fun") and I always knew he meant it, but something about that particular night just felt even more so. In a way I feel like that weekend was one of the ones that cemented our relationship.
Last year we spent Halloween in Kingman. I baked sugar cookies shaped like ghosts and bats for his class, and after school we dressed up ourselves and Benji and went over to my mom's. My mom lives in an area that's high traffic for trick or treaters (sidewalks, street lights, houses that are close together) and she usually gets about 300 kids. My dad was there too, and of course my sister and Austin as Buzz Lightyear. Corey and I handed out candy while my parents and sister took Austin out, and then we did a little trick or treating with Austin. After all that Corey and I went home and watched Hocus Pocus and cuddled.
Halloween just feels like a milestone somehow and this year, we missed it. It's not a happy though. It makes me feel like shit. And I just feel like if we missed this one we'll miss the rest of them too, and that it really is over. And I'm sure people reading this might be like, it's been over, you idiot, but . . . well. I'm not ready to give up hope yet, although this probably put me a little closer.
Halloween is also, at least in my opinion, the start of the holiday season--Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc. Normally this is my favorite favorite favorite time of year. I love it. Normally I see all the Thanksgiving/Harvest and Christmas stuff at the store and get SO excited. I think of all the things I want to do and decorations I want to put up. I start looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to put up a Christmas tree . . . and last year those experiences were amazing because I shared them with Corey and it made me happy. And this year . . . I want to skip it all.
But I'll elaborate on that later.
---------------
In other news I'm going to Kingman this weekend for Austin's birthday. He'll be 4 on Monday and his party's on Sunday, and my sister (his mom) is coming up tomorrow to pick me up (which is awesome). I'm so excited, because I want to see Austin and my family, and I promised Austin I'd be there for his birthday back in June. When I was packing and getting ready to leave, he asked when I was coming back; I told him I didn't know but that I'd definitely be back for his birthday--it made him so happy, and I'm happy I get to keep that promise.
I'm also a little apprehensive about it, just because of how crushing the last trip there ended up being. But this time, I'm going in with no expectations--in fact, I didn't even tell Corey I'm coming. I'm sure there's a bit of my subconscious that hopes to see him but I'm really not expecting to.
We'll see how it goes. Hopefully I'll enjoy myself better this time around. Which I know I will, because my sister got a bounce house for Austin's party . . . hard to be sad in a bounce house!
I just felt very depressed that day. It felt so strange to be in Flagstaff and by myself on Halloween. I know that sounds stupid because Halloween . . . not a terribly sentimental holiday. But I'm sentimental about everything and . . . well.
Halloween 2010 fell on a Sunday, and I spent that weekend in Chinle with Corey and his family. It was the first time I'd visited Chinle in my life, and it was only the second time I met his family. It was a wonderful weekend; I fit in so well with his family and I felt so welcomed by them. And Corey was thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to get to know his family. Halloween night we built a fire and handed out candy and I was introduced to a good chunk of family friends, and it just made me so happy. On the drive back to Flagstaff Corey asked me if I could see myself living in Chinle and I didn't hesitate to say yes; that night, back in Flagstaff when we were going to bed, he asked me to marry him. He'd asked before ("for fun") and I always knew he meant it, but something about that particular night just felt even more so. In a way I feel like that weekend was one of the ones that cemented our relationship.
Last year we spent Halloween in Kingman. I baked sugar cookies shaped like ghosts and bats for his class, and after school we dressed up ourselves and Benji and went over to my mom's. My mom lives in an area that's high traffic for trick or treaters (sidewalks, street lights, houses that are close together) and she usually gets about 300 kids. My dad was there too, and of course my sister and Austin as Buzz Lightyear. Corey and I handed out candy while my parents and sister took Austin out, and then we did a little trick or treating with Austin. After all that Corey and I went home and watched Hocus Pocus and cuddled.
Halloween just feels like a milestone somehow and this year, we missed it. It's not a happy though. It makes me feel like shit. And I just feel like if we missed this one we'll miss the rest of them too, and that it really is over. And I'm sure people reading this might be like, it's been over, you idiot, but . . . well. I'm not ready to give up hope yet, although this probably put me a little closer.
Halloween is also, at least in my opinion, the start of the holiday season--Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc. Normally this is my favorite favorite favorite time of year. I love it. Normally I see all the Thanksgiving/Harvest and Christmas stuff at the store and get SO excited. I think of all the things I want to do and decorations I want to put up. I start looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to put up a Christmas tree . . . and last year those experiences were amazing because I shared them with Corey and it made me happy. And this year . . . I want to skip it all.
But I'll elaborate on that later.
---------------
In other news I'm going to Kingman this weekend for Austin's birthday. He'll be 4 on Monday and his party's on Sunday, and my sister (his mom) is coming up tomorrow to pick me up (which is awesome). I'm so excited, because I want to see Austin and my family, and I promised Austin I'd be there for his birthday back in June. When I was packing and getting ready to leave, he asked when I was coming back; I told him I didn't know but that I'd definitely be back for his birthday--it made him so happy, and I'm happy I get to keep that promise.
I'm also a little apprehensive about it, just because of how crushing the last trip there ended up being. But this time, I'm going in with no expectations--in fact, I didn't even tell Corey I'm coming. I'm sure there's a bit of my subconscious that hopes to see him but I'm really not expecting to.
We'll see how it goes. Hopefully I'll enjoy myself better this time around. Which I know I will, because my sister got a bounce house for Austin's party . . . hard to be sad in a bounce house!
9.24.2012
The Good Side of Kingman
--My mom and Jillian both read one of my short stories and loved it.
--Austin was so happy to see me! When I called to say I was on my way, he was with Jillian, and when she told him I was on my way, I could hear him bouncing around and screaming, "SHE'S ON HER WAY SHE'S ON HER WAY SHE'S ON HER WAY!" in the background.
--Austin sang the song Cowboys and Angels while playing his toy guitar for me. Pricelessly adorable.
--Jenny, Jillian, Austin, and I all went to my dad's Friday evening to hang out and we played football. It pretty much turned into a boys v. girls game, because Austin kept insisting the girls couldn't have the football.
--I bought Jillian white nail polish so she could have disgustingly bright neon nails with Celtic Sun.
--I stayed the night at my sister's and Austin was so stoked that we were going to have a sleepover. He told me that we were going to have a sleepover and a nap-over.
--He was already asleep when I got to his house but when he woke up crying, I went to comfort him and I put his PJ's on him (he'd zonked out in the car so my sister didn't bother changing him because she didn't want to wake him up).
--I had a nice chat with Shannon, my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically think of as my 3rd little sister.
--Sleeping on my sister's couch was actually pretty wonderful, and her house was nice and quiet. It was just nice to sleep on not an air bed for a night. (I know, my life is super pathetic).
--Of course I woke up early to Austin talking very loudly in the kitchen . . . although when he actually came and "woke me up" he explained that he'd been tip-toeing so he wouldn't wake me up. It was cute.
--He took the Halloween slap bracelet off my purse handle and was having fun playing with it so I said he could keep it. In return he gave me a rubber green lantern bracelet. I also currently have a pair of his shoes that he took off in my car.
--He asked me why the tutu I made Dolce (my sister's teacup chihuahua) was so fluffy, and I told him that was how tutus were. So I showed him pictures of tutus online, and we looked at ballet dancing clips on YouTube. (I am the educational aunt).
--Jenny, Shannon, Austin and I went down to BHC and had lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings. It was fun, even if Austin was a little grumpy until his food came. While we were at lunch he found the bus map I keep in my purse and was totally fascinated by it, so I let him have that too. When the waitress saw him looking at it she asked what it was and I told her I lived in Flagstaff; she mentioned that her mom just moved there, and Austin asked her if her mom had a bus map.
--Near the end of lunch Austin leaned over and asked me very quietly, "Are you sure you have to go back to Flagstaff?" Broke. My. Damn. Heart. I almost cried telling him that yes, I was sure. BUT we decided that he'll come have a sleepover here with me sometime, which he's excited for.
--We went to Kohl's, where Austin and I looked at Christmas stuff while his mom and Shannon looked at clothes. Austin told me that Santa was watching me and that he'd be mad at me if I bought too much Christmas stuff . . . right.
--That evening we went back to my dad's for a BBQ and more football and other Austin cuteness. I love that kid so much. It was hard to say goodbye to him.
It just feels so not fair sometimes that I'm not there. But more on that later.
Another plus, even though it didn't happen in Kingman, is that Jerbs' cats have been very cuddly with me since I got back, and it's kind of sweet that they missed me. (Especially Irene, and she's the antisocial one).
9.01.2012
2 Months
As of today I've been back in Flagstaff for two months.
Two. Freaking. Months.
That is just so bizarre to me.
I miss:
--having a car and not taking the bus
--the Kingman store and how organized and well run it is
--my awesome co-workers
--Anytime Fitness/working out in general (God I feel out of shape right now)
--orchestra
--bell choir (really I just miss having any kind of musical activity in my life)
--playing Legos/going to the park/watching Toy Story/painting/reading/whatever with Austin (so so much)
--hanging out with my mom and dad just whenever
--having my sisters nearby
--Herkimer, Gatsby, Bernard, Edgar (RIP), and the fishies
--sleeping in a real, comfortable, big bed
--having enough closet space for my clothes
--my sewing machine (definitely a priority as far as what I bring up next)
--having a kitchen I could cook in
--my big bathroom and deep bathtub and awesome showerhead
--sex (a lot)
--date nights
--Ex-Fiance and pretty much everything that goes with that
But even with all the things I miss, I do think that moving back to Flagstaff was the best choice in light of the situation. I was thinking the other day of what the past two months would have been like if I was in Kingman, and I think it would have been awful.
I was just thinking of going out in Kingman and worrying that I'd run into him, or wondering what he was doing at any given time, or going to orchestra or bells and not knowing how to act around him or what to say to him . . . it doesn't sound pleasant. And granted, I wonder what he's doing from time to time but somehow it's easier up here, because I can't really do anything about it. Whereas in Kingman I think the temptation to drive by the house or even just call him would be really awful. I also think about wanting to go out or needing to go grocery shopping and having to call my mom or dad or ask my sister for a ride, and I don't like that idea. Even though the bus kinda sucks, it's more independence than I'd have in Kingman.
I still miss that life. Some days my mind will be on something totally unrelated and it'll hit me out of nowhere--I had a whole other life for a while. I was doing something completely different and it's such a weird feeling and thought. But at the same time I think that with the advantage of hindsight I see how much I needed to work on myself and how unhappy I was at points. So in that respect, I'm . . . well, I'm not glad this happened by any means, but I understand why it was necessary. I just need to be patient and take things day by day and see what happens. If Ex-Fiance and I are meant to be we'll be.
Two months down and . . . I don't really know how long to go, but we'll see!
Two. Freaking. Months.
That is just so bizarre to me.
I miss:
--having a car and not taking the bus
--the Kingman store and how organized and well run it is
--my awesome co-workers
--Anytime Fitness/working out in general (God I feel out of shape right now)
--orchestra
--bell choir (really I just miss having any kind of musical activity in my life)
--playing Legos/going to the park/watching Toy Story/painting/reading/whatever with Austin (so so much)
--hanging out with my mom and dad just whenever
--having my sisters nearby
--Herkimer, Gatsby, Bernard, Edgar (RIP), and the fishies
--sleeping in a real, comfortable, big bed
--having enough closet space for my clothes
--my sewing machine (definitely a priority as far as what I bring up next)
--having a kitchen I could cook in
--my big bathroom and deep bathtub and awesome showerhead
--sex (a lot)
--date nights
--Ex-Fiance and pretty much everything that goes with that
But even with all the things I miss, I do think that moving back to Flagstaff was the best choice in light of the situation. I was thinking the other day of what the past two months would have been like if I was in Kingman, and I think it would have been awful.
I was just thinking of going out in Kingman and worrying that I'd run into him, or wondering what he was doing at any given time, or going to orchestra or bells and not knowing how to act around him or what to say to him . . . it doesn't sound pleasant. And granted, I wonder what he's doing from time to time but somehow it's easier up here, because I can't really do anything about it. Whereas in Kingman I think the temptation to drive by the house or even just call him would be really awful. I also think about wanting to go out or needing to go grocery shopping and having to call my mom or dad or ask my sister for a ride, and I don't like that idea. Even though the bus kinda sucks, it's more independence than I'd have in Kingman.
I still miss that life. Some days my mind will be on something totally unrelated and it'll hit me out of nowhere--I had a whole other life for a while. I was doing something completely different and it's such a weird feeling and thought. But at the same time I think that with the advantage of hindsight I see how much I needed to work on myself and how unhappy I was at points. So in that respect, I'm . . . well, I'm not glad this happened by any means, but I understand why it was necessary. I just need to be patient and take things day by day and see what happens. If Ex-Fiance and I are meant to be we'll be.
Two months down and . . . I don't really know how long to go, but we'll see!
6.30.2012
Numb
Today I've just been numb. The combination of it being my would have been wedding day and the day before I move away from Corey (potentially for good) has not been pleasant. I feel numb and shut down and almost outside of my body. I really can't believe this is all happening.
I've gone through the motions. I got up at baby sat Saucy, I ate, I went to work and did my job, but I was on autopilot.
I do not want what's happening. I don't want to leave, I don't want it to be over, I don't want anything to do with any of it.
I still hope that this isn't the end; I still hope that someday soon Corey and I will reconcile and that I'll move back here. But still, my head hast just been in non stop attack mode today. My thoughts have been racing, thinking things like, this is the last time I'll do this or that, and it sucks. I can't even begin to describe every thought in my head because they're all fleeting and scattered but . . . well, like I said, it sucks.
Last night before I went to bed, I just thought, I should be in Sedona right now, wide awake because I can't sleep because I'm so excited that my wedding's happening soon. This afternoon I found myself thinking, I should have been married by now; I should be at my little reception, celebrating with my family and friends. As the sun was going down, I was thinking, right now I should be alone with Corey, watching the sunset at some romantic spot in Sedona as newlyweds.
It fucking blew.
And of course I don't want to move. There is nothing I want to do less than move, especially back to Flagstaff of all freaking places.
I try to tell myself to be calm and to be patient, and that if I make it through this, and hang in there now, and really work hard to get myself to where I want to be, then the reward will be worth it. I just hope that's true.
I've gone through the motions. I got up at baby sat Saucy, I ate, I went to work and did my job, but I was on autopilot.
I do not want what's happening. I don't want to leave, I don't want it to be over, I don't want anything to do with any of it.
I still hope that this isn't the end; I still hope that someday soon Corey and I will reconcile and that I'll move back here. But still, my head hast just been in non stop attack mode today. My thoughts have been racing, thinking things like, this is the last time I'll do this or that, and it sucks. I can't even begin to describe every thought in my head because they're all fleeting and scattered but . . . well, like I said, it sucks.
Last night before I went to bed, I just thought, I should be in Sedona right now, wide awake because I can't sleep because I'm so excited that my wedding's happening soon. This afternoon I found myself thinking, I should have been married by now; I should be at my little reception, celebrating with my family and friends. As the sun was going down, I was thinking, right now I should be alone with Corey, watching the sunset at some romantic spot in Sedona as newlyweds.
It fucking blew.
And of course I don't want to move. There is nothing I want to do less than move, especially back to Flagstaff of all freaking places.
I try to tell myself to be calm and to be patient, and that if I make it through this, and hang in there now, and really work hard to get myself to where I want to be, then the reward will be worth it. I just hope that's true.
My Saucy
Hands down the hardest part about leaving is explaining it to Austin. He knows I'm going to Flagstaff, but he keeps asking if I'm coming back "after Flagstaff." And I've tried to tell him that I'll definitely come back and visit but that I'm not sure if I'll ever be back to stay. And he doesn't get it.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)