Benji passed away a little while ago.
I'm completely devastated.
2.24.2014
2.23.2014
My Benji
I'm sad to say that Benji's health seems to have deteriorated the past week or so. He seemed to be doing really well for a while--eating more than usual and being more mobile than usual--but recently he barely seems interested in food and spends most of his time asleep. I'm sure some of it's just that he's cold (lately he's been whimpering to let us know that the space heater by his bed needs to be turned on) but I'm still freaking out at the prospect of losing him.
I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know he's an old dog and his health has never been fantastic (and may his former owners rot in hell for that), and obviously I know he won't live forever. But still, I am anxious and shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up because I'm just lost. I've hoped and prayed for a long time that when the time came, he would go on his own. I absolutely do not want to make the decision to end his life; I feel like the only life I have the right to make that decision about is my own and it's just not in me to do it for my dog. And I know I would always wonder if it was the right call. But I also know that I don't want him to suffer, and that if I was really sure that was the case . . . then maybe I could do it.
I don't know. People who have gone through it tell me I'll know when it's time, that it will be obvious if I have to make that choice. I hope that's true.
I wish Benji could talk and tell me either that he was fine, or that he was ready to be finished.
Like I said, right now he's just very very skinny (he's always been thin because of how malnourished his old owners kept him, but it's gotten worse lately) and spends most of his time asleep in his warm bed by his heater. He does get up and walk around still but his hips seem to be bugging him more than usual (again, maybe the cold?). Sometimes I feel guilty for not holding him or petting him more but honestly, I think he just wants to be left alone right now. He needs a bath and a good grooming but he hates both of those things and it's difficult.
I know that I've given him a good life. That he's gotten to spend the last almost 7 years sleeping on soft things and eating good food and not being forced to go on walks or play, because Benji is really just not very dog like. (Seriously, you've never met a less dog like dog than my Benji . . . he hated walks, he never played with toys, rarely liked any treats we gave him . . . whenever I feel like I haven't done enough with him, I remind myself that I spent plenty of time just sitting with him on the couch watching TV, and that that was absolutely plenty for Benji, because he didn't want to do anything else). But there are times when I feel guilty, like I should have done more; I wish I'd had the money to take him to the vet for his teeth, but I just never did.
I just hope he knows how very, very much I love him, and how much he helped me when I was sick, and how grateful I am that I ended up with him when I did. I truly believe that it was some kind of divine intervention and that I needed Benji as much as he needed me.
I think he knows those things. And for now I'm just going to take things day by day and love him as much as I can.
I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know he's an old dog and his health has never been fantastic (and may his former owners rot in hell for that), and obviously I know he won't live forever. But still, I am anxious and shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up because I'm just lost. I've hoped and prayed for a long time that when the time came, he would go on his own. I absolutely do not want to make the decision to end his life; I feel like the only life I have the right to make that decision about is my own and it's just not in me to do it for my dog. And I know I would always wonder if it was the right call. But I also know that I don't want him to suffer, and that if I was really sure that was the case . . . then maybe I could do it.
I don't know. People who have gone through it tell me I'll know when it's time, that it will be obvious if I have to make that choice. I hope that's true.
I wish Benji could talk and tell me either that he was fine, or that he was ready to be finished.
Like I said, right now he's just very very skinny (he's always been thin because of how malnourished his old owners kept him, but it's gotten worse lately) and spends most of his time asleep in his warm bed by his heater. He does get up and walk around still but his hips seem to be bugging him more than usual (again, maybe the cold?). Sometimes I feel guilty for not holding him or petting him more but honestly, I think he just wants to be left alone right now. He needs a bath and a good grooming but he hates both of those things and it's difficult.
I know that I've given him a good life. That he's gotten to spend the last almost 7 years sleeping on soft things and eating good food and not being forced to go on walks or play, because Benji is really just not very dog like. (Seriously, you've never met a less dog like dog than my Benji . . . he hated walks, he never played with toys, rarely liked any treats we gave him . . . whenever I feel like I haven't done enough with him, I remind myself that I spent plenty of time just sitting with him on the couch watching TV, and that that was absolutely plenty for Benji, because he didn't want to do anything else). But there are times when I feel guilty, like I should have done more; I wish I'd had the money to take him to the vet for his teeth, but I just never did.
I just hope he knows how very, very much I love him, and how much he helped me when I was sick, and how grateful I am that I ended up with him when I did. I truly believe that it was some kind of divine intervention and that I needed Benji as much as he needed me.
I think he knows those things. And for now I'm just going to take things day by day and love him as much as I can.
2.17.2014
Selfies
January 2014 (mid January)
February 17th, 2014
I can see a bit of a difference and it makes me happy. Definitely losing a little in my stomach area. I wish I'd faced the same way both times . . . I'm not really good at selfies haha.
Anyway, I've been slacking the past few days but this makes me want to do better.
And those pictures were taken in the bathroom at work, FYI.
February 17th, 2014
I can see a bit of a difference and it makes me happy. Definitely losing a little in my stomach area. I wish I'd faced the same way both times . . . I'm not really good at selfies haha.
Anyway, I've been slacking the past few days but this makes me want to do better.
And those pictures were taken in the bathroom at work, FYI.
2.14.2014
Valentine's Day Reflections
Valentine's Day has, in all honesty, never been a huge deal to me. I' not too invested in it either way: if I'm attached, I don't go overboard celebrating, and if I'm single, I don't get all bitter and angry. So today was just another day as far as I'm concerned.
But hearing all my happily married co-workers making plans (I am the only single person in my department) did make me feel a little lonely. And it definitely reminded me of how much I miss my ex, and refreshed some of that regret I've talked about before. Because at the end of the day, even with how happy I am and how well I'm doing, that loneliness and regret are still there. Maybe not overwhelmingly so but for sure at the back of my mind.
So Valentine's Day made me think.
At this point it's been almost two years since he told me he didn't want to marry me, and just about a month less that I've been in Flagstaff. I haven't seen or spoken to him since last July.
It's a pretty significant amount of time, yet I am no closer to being over him than I was the day I moved here. Far more mentally stable, sure, and far more capable of living my own life. There's no question that I'm doing better now than I was then. But I'm still not over him.
And sometimes I wonder why, because it should be enough time to let go, right? I mean . . . when this amount of time had passed after Jerbs and I broke up, I was already in love with and engaged to someone else. I honestly thought that time was really going to be what led to getting over it, but that hasn't been the case. Lately it seems that the better I get, the more I want a second chance with him.
I think it's because of the difference in myself.
Back when the break up happened, as completely miserable as I was about it, I knew it needed to happen. I knew how sick I was and I knew that, at that point, I simply wasn't capable of being in a relationship. I wasn't capable of being the kind of partner that I wanted to be and that he needed/deserved me to be. I wanted to succeed at it but I just couldn't. Even when I was engaged to and living with him, even on the good days, I would look at happily married couples (via all my married friends on FB, mostly) and just KNOW that it wasn't something I could attain the way I was then. And I would feel so sad, because I knew I had the right guy, and I would feel so frustrated, because I felt like I was this close to the life I wanted but I couldn't stop sabotaging myself.
But now, I've done a full 180 from those feelings. I know now--with 100% certainty--that I am completely capable of being in a relationship. It's difficult to even put into words because the change has been so dramatic. Things that used to bother me to the point of obsession (I'm not going to go into specifics here but he'd know what I was talking about if he read this) now seem dumb and insignificant and most definitely not worth the grief I let them cause me. I've learned the importance and necessity of accepting someone, flaws and disagreements and all, for who they are. I've learned how little someone's past matters when you genuinely love them and they genuinely love you. I've gotten a lot better at communicating and I think I know how to express myself without flying off the handle or freaking out. (Sad to just be figuring out all those skills at damn near 30 but whatever.
So I think that knowing all those things, and knowing how capable of being in a relationship I am now, makes the fact that it's not happening hurt more. Knowing you can do something makes it extra shitty to not be able to.
I remember once, when I was living in Kingman and he was massively stressed out, I told him how sorry I was for the things that were going badly then. And he looked at me and told me that I was his anchor through all of those bad things. It is still one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me, and I was so happy and flattered to hear him say it, because I wanted to be his anchor. But at the same time I felt terrified, because I knew that I was failing at it. I could do it now. Because I'm pretty awesome now.
I'm sure that someday, eventually, I'll be able to let go--of him and the regret--and love someone else. I don't believe that I'm supposed to end up alone. But I also genuinely believe that I already found the right person for me, and I hope his feelings are the same.
Happy Valentine's Day.
But hearing all my happily married co-workers making plans (I am the only single person in my department) did make me feel a little lonely. And it definitely reminded me of how much I miss my ex, and refreshed some of that regret I've talked about before. Because at the end of the day, even with how happy I am and how well I'm doing, that loneliness and regret are still there. Maybe not overwhelmingly so but for sure at the back of my mind.
So Valentine's Day made me think.
At this point it's been almost two years since he told me he didn't want to marry me, and just about a month less that I've been in Flagstaff. I haven't seen or spoken to him since last July.
It's a pretty significant amount of time, yet I am no closer to being over him than I was the day I moved here. Far more mentally stable, sure, and far more capable of living my own life. There's no question that I'm doing better now than I was then. But I'm still not over him.
And sometimes I wonder why, because it should be enough time to let go, right? I mean . . . when this amount of time had passed after Jerbs and I broke up, I was already in love with and engaged to someone else. I honestly thought that time was really going to be what led to getting over it, but that hasn't been the case. Lately it seems that the better I get, the more I want a second chance with him.
I think it's because of the difference in myself.
Back when the break up happened, as completely miserable as I was about it, I knew it needed to happen. I knew how sick I was and I knew that, at that point, I simply wasn't capable of being in a relationship. I wasn't capable of being the kind of partner that I wanted to be and that he needed/deserved me to be. I wanted to succeed at it but I just couldn't. Even when I was engaged to and living with him, even on the good days, I would look at happily married couples (via all my married friends on FB, mostly) and just KNOW that it wasn't something I could attain the way I was then. And I would feel so sad, because I knew I had the right guy, and I would feel so frustrated, because I felt like I was this close to the life I wanted but I couldn't stop sabotaging myself.
But now, I've done a full 180 from those feelings. I know now--with 100% certainty--that I am completely capable of being in a relationship. It's difficult to even put into words because the change has been so dramatic. Things that used to bother me to the point of obsession (I'm not going to go into specifics here but he'd know what I was talking about if he read this) now seem dumb and insignificant and most definitely not worth the grief I let them cause me. I've learned the importance and necessity of accepting someone, flaws and disagreements and all, for who they are. I've learned how little someone's past matters when you genuinely love them and they genuinely love you. I've gotten a lot better at communicating and I think I know how to express myself without flying off the handle or freaking out. (Sad to just be figuring out all those skills at damn near 30 but whatever.
So I think that knowing all those things, and knowing how capable of being in a relationship I am now, makes the fact that it's not happening hurt more. Knowing you can do something makes it extra shitty to not be able to.
I remember once, when I was living in Kingman and he was massively stressed out, I told him how sorry I was for the things that were going badly then. And he looked at me and told me that I was his anchor through all of those bad things. It is still one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me, and I was so happy and flattered to hear him say it, because I wanted to be his anchor. But at the same time I felt terrified, because I knew that I was failing at it. I could do it now. Because I'm pretty awesome now.
I'm sure that someday, eventually, I'll be able to let go--of him and the regret--and love someone else. I don't believe that I'm supposed to end up alone. But I also genuinely believe that I already found the right person for me, and I hope his feelings are the same.
Happy Valentine's Day.
2.12.2014
What's Up With Ica?
I feel like a blog slacker lately. And that's dumb because there's actually a lot I want to write about so . . . here's a pretty random mish mash of what's going on in my life.
1. The debit card debacle. Back on New Years Eve I got an email from my bank, basically saying that my card had been compromised (in that whole Target thing that happened) and they were sending me a new one. A week later I still didn't have my new card so I called the customer service line and apparently there was an error in my address (the zip code was missing). I updated the address and was told by what I'm assuming is the dumbest CSR at Compass that I had to actually go into my bank to request another card be sent since the first one had been returned. So I did that on January 8th, and the teller at the bank said that since I was requesting it in person my current card had to be canceled. Which meant no debit card until my new one came, which was supposed to happen in 7-10 business days. Well, jump ahead three weeks and I'm still debit card-less, so I went into the bank and asked WTF was going on, and basically got told to be more patient. A week later, after 4 weeks of no debit card, I called customer service, and found out that the dumbest CSR ever had somehow removed my apartment number from my address. Awesome. So I updated that and then was told that I had to call back after 24 hours and request that another card be sent and that it could be rushed to me at no charge. I did that, and was told that since it was being rushed I'd have to be home to sign for it when it came. Which obviously ticked me off because I'm not home during the day . . . but whatever. At this point I'd decided to switch banks but I still wanted Compass to hold up their end of things and get me my freaking card. So this past Friday I opened a checking and savings account at a different bank, and I'll be closing my Compass account this week. And my Compass debit card also came this past Friday, and I didn't have to sign for it; it was sitting on my porch when I got home from dinner with Jerbs. Seriously, WTF. I'm glad it's almost done with, and I'm excited about my new bank!
2. The financial controller at my work jokingly gave me crap about coming to work on my birthday. And the conclusion of the conversation was her telling me that next year I absolutely have to because no one should work on their birthday. Not really a big deal, but it makes me so happy that it's just an assumption that I'll still be working there on my next birthday. I love having a job that actually feels stable and where it actually feels like I'm wanted.
3. I've been a slacker in the fitness department for the past week or so but for some reason, my motivation seems to have come back all at once today. I did OK diet wise and worked out for almost an hour (work out videos at home). I also created a kind of work out regimen with online work out videos, and I'm really excited about it. It took a lot to get up and work out this evening but man, I felt awesome afterwards. Sometimes I forget how much better I feel when I'm working out consistently.
4. Someone on MFP posted this long rant in the forums about how ridiculous/confusing it is that mental illness is suddenly "cool" and that people are "bragging" about stuff like being bipolar and acting like it's a badge of honor. I won't lie, it, and some of the responses to it, kind of upset me. But I didn't let it get to me and I have since concluded that what this person really has a problem with is the fading of the stigma that's always existed when it comes to mental illness. It's becoming less and less of a shameful thing that needs to be hidden and more of an issue that needs to be addressed to be beaten. I guess it's really not surprising that some people are uncomfortable with that, but still. At any rate, I want to say that I absolutely don't think being bipolar is a badge of honor--but overcoming bipolar sure as hell is, and I'll wear it with pride for the rest of my life.
5. I found out yesterday that Lithium can cause severe acne, which explains why my skin has royally sucked the past couple years (after being damn near flawless my whole life). Obviously I'm not going to stop taking Lithium in favor of better skin but I'm kind of glad to know why it's happening.
6. In general, right now, I'm just feeling very optimistic and happy. And I love it.
1. The debit card debacle. Back on New Years Eve I got an email from my bank, basically saying that my card had been compromised (in that whole Target thing that happened) and they were sending me a new one. A week later I still didn't have my new card so I called the customer service line and apparently there was an error in my address (the zip code was missing). I updated the address and was told by what I'm assuming is the dumbest CSR at Compass that I had to actually go into my bank to request another card be sent since the first one had been returned. So I did that on January 8th, and the teller at the bank said that since I was requesting it in person my current card had to be canceled. Which meant no debit card until my new one came, which was supposed to happen in 7-10 business days. Well, jump ahead three weeks and I'm still debit card-less, so I went into the bank and asked WTF was going on, and basically got told to be more patient. A week later, after 4 weeks of no debit card, I called customer service, and found out that the dumbest CSR ever had somehow removed my apartment number from my address. Awesome. So I updated that and then was told that I had to call back after 24 hours and request that another card be sent and that it could be rushed to me at no charge. I did that, and was told that since it was being rushed I'd have to be home to sign for it when it came. Which obviously ticked me off because I'm not home during the day . . . but whatever. At this point I'd decided to switch banks but I still wanted Compass to hold up their end of things and get me my freaking card. So this past Friday I opened a checking and savings account at a different bank, and I'll be closing my Compass account this week. And my Compass debit card also came this past Friday, and I didn't have to sign for it; it was sitting on my porch when I got home from dinner with Jerbs. Seriously, WTF. I'm glad it's almost done with, and I'm excited about my new bank!
2. The financial controller at my work jokingly gave me crap about coming to work on my birthday. And the conclusion of the conversation was her telling me that next year I absolutely have to because no one should work on their birthday. Not really a big deal, but it makes me so happy that it's just an assumption that I'll still be working there on my next birthday. I love having a job that actually feels stable and where it actually feels like I'm wanted.
3. I've been a slacker in the fitness department for the past week or so but for some reason, my motivation seems to have come back all at once today. I did OK diet wise and worked out for almost an hour (work out videos at home). I also created a kind of work out regimen with online work out videos, and I'm really excited about it. It took a lot to get up and work out this evening but man, I felt awesome afterwards. Sometimes I forget how much better I feel when I'm working out consistently.
4. Someone on MFP posted this long rant in the forums about how ridiculous/confusing it is that mental illness is suddenly "cool" and that people are "bragging" about stuff like being bipolar and acting like it's a badge of honor. I won't lie, it, and some of the responses to it, kind of upset me. But I didn't let it get to me and I have since concluded that what this person really has a problem with is the fading of the stigma that's always existed when it comes to mental illness. It's becoming less and less of a shameful thing that needs to be hidden and more of an issue that needs to be addressed to be beaten. I guess it's really not surprising that some people are uncomfortable with that, but still. At any rate, I want to say that I absolutely don't think being bipolar is a badge of honor--but overcoming bipolar sure as hell is, and I'll wear it with pride for the rest of my life.
5. I found out yesterday that Lithium can cause severe acne, which explains why my skin has royally sucked the past couple years (after being damn near flawless my whole life). Obviously I'm not going to stop taking Lithium in favor of better skin but I'm kind of glad to know why it's happening.
6. In general, right now, I'm just feeling very optimistic and happy. And I love it.
2.10.2014
Twenty.Nine
Yep. Twenty nine.
I have officially entered the last year of my twenties. That thought is just freaking nuts. I'm still having a little trouble wrapping my head around it.
So how did I spend my birthday?
At work, of course! Fighting with Medicare on the phone!
But all in all it was a good birthday. My sister and Austin sent me flowers at work, my parents both gave me money, and I got cards from Jerbs' parents and her grandma. My co-workers all dropped by to wish me happy birthday and in general I felt pretty loved. After work I picked up Plaza Bonita to go, because I definitely deserve awesome Mexican food on my birthday, and came home and just relaxed.
One thing that is distinctly good about this birthday is that it's the most mentally healthy I've ever been on my birthday, and that's an amazing feeling.
So here's to 29. I fully plan on owning this year and making it an awesome one.
I have officially entered the last year of my twenties. That thought is just freaking nuts. I'm still having a little trouble wrapping my head around it.
So how did I spend my birthday?
At work, of course! Fighting with Medicare on the phone!
But all in all it was a good birthday. My sister and Austin sent me flowers at work, my parents both gave me money, and I got cards from Jerbs' parents and her grandma. My co-workers all dropped by to wish me happy birthday and in general I felt pretty loved. After work I picked up Plaza Bonita to go, because I definitely deserve awesome Mexican food on my birthday, and came home and just relaxed.
One thing that is distinctly good about this birthday is that it's the most mentally healthy I've ever been on my birthday, and that's an amazing feeling.
So here's to 29. I fully plan on owning this year and making it an awesome one.
2.05.2014
I'm Good At Something!
And by something, I mean my job.
I've been at MHC for a year now (as of 1.16.14), and yesterday my boss and I finally got around to doing my annual performance review. I hate hate hate stuff like that and I was dreading it, but it actually went really well! My boss had nothing but good things to say AND I got a raise. So I'm pretty happy with that.
It's still strange to have a job I like, that I'm good at, where I'm appreciated and rewarded for what I do.
But strange in a good way.
Anyway, I am so genuinely happy with what I'm doing now. I fully intend to stay at MHC until I leave Arizona.
A good review and a raise almost make up for the fact that I am still without a debit card, and for the fact that I have been ridiculously, insanely lonely lately.
But those are things for other entries.
I've been at MHC for a year now (as of 1.16.14), and yesterday my boss and I finally got around to doing my annual performance review. I hate hate hate stuff like that and I was dreading it, but it actually went really well! My boss had nothing but good things to say AND I got a raise. So I'm pretty happy with that.
It's still strange to have a job I like, that I'm good at, where I'm appreciated and rewarded for what I do.
But strange in a good way.
Anyway, I am so genuinely happy with what I'm doing now. I fully intend to stay at MHC until I leave Arizona.
A good review and a raise almost make up for the fact that I am still without a debit card, and for the fact that I have been ridiculously, insanely lonely lately.
But those are things for other entries.
2.01.2014
Weigh In # 2 (2014)
Weight: 188.4
BMI: 33.4
I lost 4.6 pounds in January! My goal was to lose 5 so I feel a smidge short of that but I'm still proud of myself. Plus my actual weight may be a bit lower, since I'm at the tail end of my period and that always messes with my weight.
I'm definitely heading in the right direction!
My goal for February is just to up my game. Less fast food, less soda, more exercise.
My goal weight for March 1st is 183.4.
BMI: 33.4
I lost 4.6 pounds in January! My goal was to lose 5 so I feel a smidge short of that but I'm still proud of myself. Plus my actual weight may be a bit lower, since I'm at the tail end of my period and that always messes with my weight.
I'm definitely heading in the right direction!
My goal for February is just to up my game. Less fast food, less soda, more exercise.
My goal weight for March 1st is 183.4.
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