2013: A Year In Review

I swear, I thought of a good subtitle for this and of course didn't write it down and have now forgotten it.  Bummer.

At any rate, I can't believe it's New Year's Eve.  It's just a little bit mind blowing that 2013 is almost over!  It has been quite a year for me.  Probably the best year of my adult life thus far.

I got a job right at the beginning of the year, and in about two weeks I'll be having my first yearly eval there.  I am so incredibly happy with where I work I can't even tell you.  I genuinely don't mind going to work anymore, and I'm so glad to be able to support myself financially.  Having the job I have now makes me feel like a functioning adult and it's glorious.

I turned 28 in February.  Twenty.  Eight.  It sounds so close to 30 it freaks me out a little.  Kinda dreading the 29 coming up here soon, but I don't really get a choice in the matter, do I?  I also bought a bed in February, and it felt awesome to drag my crappy old air mattress down to the dumpster.

In March I adopted Max.  As much of a pain in the ass as he is sometimes, I think it was a good move.  Just like with Benji, it's been very rewarding and heart warming to watch Max go from being scared and skinny to being friendly and sweet and playful.  His hair is all fluffy now and he plays fetch and sits and shakes hands, and he loves me and Jerbs.  Strangers he's still iffy around but he's getting there.  I love Max.  Not as much as I love Benji, I'll admit that, but still, I love him.

In May I bought a car, and that was probably the biggest thing that happened to me this year.  Not just because I got a car but because I did it on my own.  It made me feel so incredibly strong and independent to be able to buy it, and I cherish that feeling every time I get behind the wheel.  I love my car.

Also in May, just a few days after I bought the car, I hit the one year mark of being single.  I didn't care as much as I thought I would, but still, it wasn't a milestone I ever thought I'd get to.  I thought I'd be back in Kingman with my ex within 6 months of moving out, so getting to a year without him was weird.  It's weird now, to think it's been a year and a half.  Maybe by the two year anniversary I'll really be over it.

In June I saw Neil Gaiman and it was awesome!

July marked one year of being back in Flagstaff.  That felt like an even bigger milestone than a year of being single.  It was difficult to think of the year away from my family; I felt bitter that day, and angry.  Then just a few days after I saw my ex for the first time in almost a year, which was really more of an irritation than anything.  I consciously kept him at arm's length while he was here; I'm sure I came across as cold and uncaring, and there are moments now when I regret that.  Sometimes I think I should have told him, while he was here, how I still feel about him, but more often than not, I'm glad he got to see me not giving a shit.  I'm glad he got to see the better me.

Independence Day was probably my favorite day of the whole summer, because of the company and everything else.

In August I climbed a fucking mountain, and it was awesome.  I'm looking forward to doing it again in 2014.

The holiday season was challenging for all the same reasons as last year, and while I was more mentally healthy and therefore able to handle it a little better this year, I wouldn't say that it was easier.  I missed my ex, plain and simple, and I felt a lot of anger about being single and away from my family and everything.  But I survived and that's all that matters, and maybe next Christmas it actually will get easier.

Throughout the year I got more and more mentally healthy.  I took my medicine all year (with a few random hiccups but nothing huge), I went to my doctor's appointments, and got my labs done when I needed to; I've never been such a compliant psych patient before.  2013 was full of little moments that made me realize just how far I've come in my battle against bipolar disorder, and for that, I will always and forever cherish this year.  There are still days where I find myself in complete disbelief at how much better I am now.  I go back through old Facebook statuses or Twitter updates, from when I was sick, and I can't believe what a difference there is.  I can't believe I used to live that way.  Being mentally healthy makes me feel almost invincible.  I know now that I can do whatever I put my mind to, that no goal I set is outside of my reach.  And it's all  because I'm mentally healthy.

Related to mental health, I also made a lot of progress as far as getting over my ex.  That whole situation was something that was on my mind a lot in 2013, and I feel like how I think of it now vs. how I thought of it at the start of the year are completely different.  I feel like I've come to really understand how bad I was and how much I put my ex through; I can see my behavior from a perspective of being mentally healthy, and I get it.  I totally get it.  And I'm ashamed of that part of my past, and I think that guilt will be something I'll grapple with for awhile yet.  But at the same time, it feels healthy to have reached this point.  I also kind of realized this year how very in control of fixing things I was back then, and that if I had done what I was supposed to do as far as treatment, maybe I'd still be with him.  At the same time, though, this year I found myself frequently thinking that I needed to get better on my own if I was going to do it at all.  I don't know . . . I'm torn, and I think both are a little bit true, if that's possible.

I would also say that my views on love, romance, and relationships have changed a lot this year, mostly in the sense that now I feel confident in my ability to be loved.  I finally, finally feel like I'm capable of having an adult relationship and being with someone the way you should be with someone as an adult, if that makes sense.

This year had its fails too.  Mostly I'm disappointed in my weight.  I was so determined at the beginning of 2013 that I'd finish the year weighing at least 40 pounds less than at the start of the year, but I'll be starting 2014 about 11 pounds heavier.  But I tell myself that 2013 was a year to focus on mental health, which I did, and which I succeeded at, and now 2014 will be a year to focus on physical health.

Normally I feel a little sad at New Year, because it's an end.  2013 is about to become the past, and for whatever reason, that has just always made me sad.  But this year, I find myself really looking forward to the new year, to 2014.  I think the past couple years of turmoil and transition have made me really appreciate any opportunity for a fresh start--even if it's a mostly symbolic one, like new year.  I'm going into this year happy, healthy, and hopeful, and that's tremendous and amazing and I am so damn proud of myself for it!

So goodbye 2013.  You were beautiful and wonderful and I will remember you fondly.

Christmas 2013

Oh, Christmas.  I was both really really looking forward to it and really really dreading it this year.  I'm glad it's over but at the same time I'm so depressed to be back in Flagstaff, and I wish I could live yesterday again.  I'm really torn over it, because I love my family and I miss them so freaking much but good Lord they all drive me insane sometimes.

Mostly the petty arguing.  There are only 5 people in my family (5 adults, I'm not counting Austin) and we all have quick tempers.  Sometimes we all just get a little snippy with one another, and I think I'm just not used to it anymore since I don't live it everyday, y'know?  But still, I had a good time, and I was happy to see everyone.

On Monday, I had to work, which royally sucked.  I went in early and took a short lunch and was able to leave a little early.  Then I came home and had to give Benji a bath and get the car all loaded up and all that, so we ended up leaving later than intended.  We got to Kingman around 9 PM, I believe.  Hung out with my mom and Jill and Austin, went to Jerbs' house and gave her parents their gifts, hung out with Austin some more, etc.  (OMG, Max was SO excited to see Austin!  He completely flipped his shit, it was hilarious).  After Austin went to bed I was so ready to crash, but my sister made me stay up and wrap Santa gifts with her.  (I am awesome at gift wrapping, her . . . not so much).  It was fun, though.  It's kind of cool to share these experiences as adults, if that makes sense--helping her play Santa for her kids when we used to wait up for Santa together.  It's a sentimental full circle thing, I suppose.

Then I went to bed, and on Christmas Eve, we did some shopping and just kind of hung out at my sister's house.  That evening the whole family went out to look at Christmas lights.  We all managed to fit in my car--my dad was a trooper and sat in "the hatch"--and it was fun.  There are always some really good light displays in Kingman.

After that we went back to my sister's and we all got to open one gift (Christmas Eve tradition).  Austin chose the big gift I brought him, which was the blanket I made him in a box.  This is when things started going downhill, because he was visibly disappointed that it was a blanket and not a big fancy toy.  Like, his face fell.  It was upsetting.  Not necessarily because it hurt my feelings, which is whatever, but because it's sad to see how spoiled he is and how rude he is sometimes.  I mean, I know he's only 5 but still.  A little disheartening.

After he was in bed my sisters and I put out all the Santa gifts and I made it look like Santa ate his cookies and all that, and I wrote Austin's Santa letter.  When I was a kid, every Christmas, "Santa" left my sisters and I a note, basically thanking us for the cookies and reindeer treats and telling us to keep being good, etc.  I love writing the ones for Austin, because my hope is that someday, when he's older and knows that I wrote them, he'll re-read them and hear things I wanted to say to him, if that makes sense.

Man, that kid got spoiled for Christmas.  He got a 32 inch TV and an internet tablet.  I just . . . I don't even really know how to say.  I didn't really enjoy watching him on Christmas morning.  He just tore through everything in like 15 minutes, and just . . . I don't know.  To me, a flat screen TV and a tablet are 110% unnecessary for a freaking 5 year old.  I don't like it.  I understand that my sister has money, and we didn't growing up, and I'm sure she also feels guilty about being a single mom who works a lot or whatever, but still.  I feel like when we were kids there was a much deeper meaning to Christmas.  We weren't a religious family, and we always got presents from Santa, but we were also always taught that Christmas was a time to be with family and love each other and be grateful for what we had.  And to give as well, because I remember always giving donations to the food bank at Christmas time and taking kids' names off the angel trees.  Austin's getting none of that.  No gratitude, no family appreciation, no giving spirit, just be marginally well behaved and get shit loads of expensive toys.  It's depressing, and I don't agree with how he's being brought up.  

But that's just me.  I'm not his mother.  And he is a good kid, but still, it all seemed like overkill.

He did like the Santa letter, though, and hopefully, someday, that'll mean something to him.

After the super quick gift opening, I went back to bed in my sister's room, because I was exhausted and it was early and I had to drive back to Flag that night.  I think my sisters were a little annoyed with me but I wasn't going to risk crashing my car on the way home!

My parents came over later in the afternoon, after my dad was off work, and we exchanged gifts.  I was surprised because one sister got me the nail lamp I wanted, and my mom and other sister got me this personalized pen that has my name on it and came in a case engraved with a quote I like.  My family all liked their gifts as well, which is always nice.

Austin cried when I had to leave, which is always heartbreaking, but at the same time, I hope it taught him something.  He ignored me all day for his new toys and I kept telling him I'd be leaving soon and he shrugged it off, but once I was actually getting in the car he started bawling.  I hate to see him cry, but like I said, maybe this time it was a little bit of a lesson.  I picked up Jerbs and said good bye to her parents, and then we gassed up the car (for a LOT cheaper than here in Flag!) and headed home.

It was nice to get home.  Not nice to be away from my family, but nice to climb into my own bed and just relax.  I'm a homebody, and I like being in my own space.  

Needless to say, I didn't want to go to work today.  At all.  Going to Kingman always leaves me in a little bit of a funk.  Not in a good way or a bad way, just . . . a funk.  So I was a little off all day long.

But.  All in all I'd say this year was better than last year.  It was nice to be able to drive to Kingman and do the trip on my own terms, as opposed to last year with all the Greyhound drama.  It was nice to be able to actually give my family presents, because I actually have a job this year.  It was nice that Jerbs got to come, because she hasn't been home for Christmas in years.

And weirdly, one of the best things was that Benji was there.  I remember freaking out last Christmas about going home on the bus because I couldn't bring Benji, because I was totally convinced it was going to be his last Christmas, and I wanted to spend it with him.  I'm glad I was wrong, and this Christmas, I held him a lot and my family all held him, and it was nice.  I'm grateful that I got that.  I'm certain that this Christmas really was his last, and I've struggled with that a lot the past few days.  But that's for another post.

Goodnight!

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like . . .

Christmas.  And misery.

Seriously, the closer we get to the holiday the worse my mood gets.  I'm angry and sad and anxious and just generally not feeling so hot.

Sometimes I start to look forward to going home and spending the holidays with my family.  But it's off and on, it comes and goes.

I don't want to spend the holiday alone.  I've talked about why it's hard before.  I just . . . I don't know.  This is the time of the year I least want to be single and that I most want things to work out with my ex.  And it's so fucking stupid.  It's been almost two fucking years now . . . wake the hell up and take a hint, Ica.

I feel like such a moron.

I want to stay here for Christmas.  I want to take some Remeron and just sleep through it.  Wake up after the new year, when it doesn't matter as much that I've got nobody.  Just get through it and have 11 months of being OK before I have to do this shit again.

Edit:  After I finished this post my sister texted me and asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and Austin, because they came up here after doing the Polar Express in Williams.  And let me tell you, Austin makes everything better.

Weigh In # Whatever (2013)

Weight: 192.8
BMI: 34.1

Last time I weighed myself was November 15th, and at that time I weighed 193.8.  So I've lost a pound in a month.

That's not super impressive.  But it's a small step in the right direction, I guess.

I've been very off and on with the dieting thing lately.  Some days I do really well with food, other days . . . yeah, not so much.  And I haven't been to the gym in I don't even know how long.  It's just . . . I don't know.  I usually feel so drained after work that exercising sounds like the worst idea ever.  I need to figure out how to combat that.

Anyway, for the rest of December I'm going to keep focusing on food.  My goal for the rest of the month is to stay within my calorie goal on MyFitnessPal every day.  My plan is to go back to the gym in January, at which point I'm going to redo my membership.  My insurance (BCBS) has a promotion thing where you can join various gyms through them, and signing up like that would save me like $20 a month, so that'll be nice.

When I do go back to the gym I'm going to take it easy for awhile . . . I think I'll do a yoga class once a week for a bit and then add in some cardio.

This is my last weigh in for 2013, and it's super depressing that I'm finishing the year higher than I started it.  I was so determined back in January.  Hopefully I can get my shit together and get on it this coming year, and hopefully my January weigh in will reflect that.

And Back Again

I don't want to say that everything I wrote about here was a lie.

But.

The high from that moment has definitely worn off a little.

Lately I find myself thinking about him.  Quite a bit.  I'm sure it has something to do with the holidays but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

I'm lonely.  And I miss him.  And at the end of the day, regardless of how much I know that my life will go on either way, I'd still welcome that conversation.

But that moment in November was still a good thing.  A very good thing.  It's allowed me to really and truly envision a future without him in a good way.  I've let go of him in a big way, and that's good.

So I guess I'm clarifying.  I meant what I said before.  I'm confident in myself and my ability to just live my life.  I'm confident that whatever's ahead of me is bright and awesome and wonderful.  I'm happy now, and I'm going to continue to be happy.  I don't doubt that.  I'm strong and mentally healthy and I like my life.  Those things aren't going anywhere, and they most definitely do not hinge on whether or not he's a part of my life.

But I also still love him.  And I still think that we're supposed to be together.  And if the opportunity to make things work out between us came up, I'd take it.  Without hesitating.

I'll probably write about it more later.  But for now . . . that's that.

Another Week

This week was . . . marginally better than last week.  It at least went by a little bit faster.  And I was pretty much on time to work every day.  And on Thursday my co-workers and I spent a good two hours decorating the business office for Christmas, so that was pretty awesome.  I like it when things relax a little at work . . . it just kind of makes everything better.

Let's see.  I sucked at dieting this week for no reason other than that I just didn't give a crap, and I most definitely didn't work out.  Blah.  I frustrate myself.  But tomorrow's a new day and next week is a new week and there's always a chance to do better.  At any rate I definitely haven't gained any weight, so that's good.

But I did fix my MyFitnessPal weight loss ticker thing so that it reflects what I've lost since July, which was when I was at my heaviest.  So that's good.  It's kind of encouraging to see that 6 pounds gone thing.

My Christmas shopping is almost finished.  I just have a few more things to get and I'm waiting on a shipment from Amazon and then I'll be done.  I love wrapping presents, though, so I'm excited for that.

I'm so tired right now.  I feel like I have a bunch of random stuff I want to write about but I'm always too sleepy and whatever.

I think I'm stressed right now too.  Between the holidays, work stuff, and other stuff . . . gah.  One big thing is that I need to find a new psychiatrist, because I'm really just done with my current one and the office over there.  I'm not going to deal with them anymore, y'know?  I'm jut dreading it . . . like seriously dreading it.  Hopefully someone will be able to get me in before the end of the year, because that would be best.  But I'm OK on medicine and all so there isn't going to be any stupid crisis or anything.  Just not a fun process.  At all.

I'm also in this weird cleaning/organizing the house mood, which is super stupid at Christmas time because deep organizing with Christmas gifts and wrapping paper all over the place is just . . . well, stupid.

I'm rambling.  I'm so tired.

I think it might be time for bed.

Weekend Recap

First let me say this: I do NOT want to go back to work tomorrow.  Seriously, this long weekend has been amazing . . . I'm not looking forward to Monday.

I had a productive weekend.  On Friday I went to Old Navy, because everything in their store was half off(!); I spent $60 and saved $45, so that was pretty awesome.  A couple things I bought were clearance so they weren't half off.  Anyway, I bought a whole bunch of stuff that were size medium, even though I'm currently an extra large.  I know everyone says dress for what you've got, not what you want, but I feel like if I keep buying myself big clothes I'm going to stay big.  And if I'd been paying full price for everything I got I'd have bought stuff I could wear now, but I figured a half off sale was a good excuse to buy some inspiration clothes.  And I'm thrilled with my purchases, and I'm looking forward to being able to wear them!

I also went to JoAnn and got a lot of fleece on sale, for making Christmas gifts.  I'll be busy doing that this week.

Jerbs' friend Adam was here Friday and was supposed to be here all day Saturday as well, but he ended up having to leave Saturday morning.  He had planned to take Jerbs to the NAU football game on Saturday evening and Jerbs was pretty happy to get out of that gracefully.

But then Saturday afternoon, B and her husband (other B) came up for . . . the NAU football game!  So Jerbs had to go anyway.  I went too and it was so much fun!  I'll write more about that later.  But I'm glad I got to go, even though NAU lost.

And today was just Sunday--cleaning, grocery shopping, prepping for the week, etc.  Sigh.  I hate Sundays.

Oh, and also, I am not doing a weigh in today because my lovely body decided that today would be a good time for my period to start.  So any weight isn't going to be accurate--I am always 3--7 pounds heavier at this time so I'm not even going to bother.  Since I'm fairly regular I anticipate this happening every month for the time being, so my weigh ins are going to be on the 15th.  And yes, this bothers me tremendously, because it just seems silly to weigh in on the 15th, but whatever.  Accuracy's a good thing, I suppose.

Here's to a new week!  Hopefully it's a good one and goes by FAST!

I Had A Moment

This happened a week ago today, but I wanted to give it some time to gel before I wrote about it.

Last Saturday when Jerbs and I were driving home from dinner, it was all foggy and misty out.  (Misty is what I call that weird kind of light rain/snow stuff that happens in Flagstaff).  It was really pretty, so we decided to drive out to the pond up the road to see the water under the fog and snow.  And oh my goodness, it was beautiful.  We didn't get out of the car so we didn't get too close, but the snow on the banks and the fog drifting over the water was just stunning.  I love it.  Over in that area there are these big beautiful homes whose back yards slope down to the water, and if I could have one of those, I might be happy to stay here in Flag for the rest of my life.  And seeing those houses, all dark and quiet, with untouched snow all around them . . . to me, those images represent an ideal.  It's what I want.  Not just for the nice house in the pretty location, but for the sense of peace and contentment I feel when I see that ideal.  And I found myself thinking about that while we were at the pond, and then something happened.

If, at any point in the last year and a half, I had found myself in the same situation, I would have thought of Ex-Fiance.  Because since I met him, since I fell for him, all of those dreams, all of those future ideals, had expanded to include him, and the two had become intertwined.  I guess in a way he became a part of my future happiness.  And in the past year and a half, any kind of reminder of what I wanted out of life--like the reminder that came from seeing the houses at the pond on Saturday--would have been a reminder that it was impossible.  Does that make sense?  I'd see something that made me think of where I want my life to go and I'd immediately feel sad, because I'd feel like that ideal future was gone because he and I weren't moving towards getting back together.

But last Saturday, that didn't happen.  Yes, Ex-Fiance came to mind while I was at the pond, but then this amazing thing happened where . . . I don't even know how to describe it, really, but it was like I suddenly felt those dreams--my future, and Ex-Fiance--become distinctly separate things.  And it was like this huge epiphany where I was suddenly able to picture myself in a beautiful home in a beautiful place at complete peace without him there.  And I smiled the whole drive home.

Ever since Saturday, the anxiety about Ex-Fiance has just disappeared.  I've stopped thinking about him.  I've stopped daydreaming about us getting back together.  I've stopped talking about him.  I've stopped wondering what he's doing and if he's thinking about me.  I just . . . I genuinely don't care anymore.

And life just seems better now.  Isn't that odd?  I'm suddenly just so excited for the future.  I feel more confident in myself than I have in a long, long time.  This past week I've slept well every night (well, almost, I had hip issues on Monday night).  I've started to look forward to Christmas again.  I've become confident that I'm going to be able to do the things I want to do--like write and lose weight.  I'm just . . . so excited for life ever since I stopped needing him to be a part of it.

I didn't realize how much holding onto him was holding me back.

I know it sounds pretty crazy, right?  When I told Jerbs about it on Wednesday night she looked at me like I was nuts.  (Granted she's usually looking at me like that but still).  It's felt a little crazy too, to be honest, but it's been a week and nothing's changed so . . . well.  I don't know.  

It made me think about this old co-worker of mine, Jeff, at the Kingman Hastings.  When I told him about the break up, he said, "One day you'll wake up and he just won't matter anymore."  And apparently that was the truth.  I never imagined that I'd hang onto him for a year and a half (almost exactly) and then just get over it in one single moment.

I'm sure I'll write more about this later, because honestly it's all still kind of sorting out in my head.  For now, I just wanted to get it written down

Thanksgiving 2013

This was dinner:

Jerbs and I ordered a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner from Sprouts this year, because we decided we didn't feel like cooking, crockpot or otherwise.  We got a turkey breast (because we definitely didn't need a whole turkey for just the two of us), stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, broccoli au gratin, cranberry sauce, and dinner rolls for $29.99.  Plus we got a free pie (apple) that we didn't know about until we picked up our dinner!  I didn't try the rolls or the cranberry sauce but the rest of it was delicious.  I was impressed, especially considering that all we had to do was throw everything in the microwave for a few minutes. The broccoli au gratin was really, really good.

That plate in the picture was actually round 2, which took place after the nap that happened after round 1.

I love Thanksgiving.

Other than eating and hanging out with Jerbs I've just been working on some Christmas shopping lists and stuff.  I'm so excited that I'm off until Monday!  Now if only Jerbs didn't have to work for Black Friday, things would be perfect.

I'm not going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, by which I mean I'm not getting up at a ridiculous hour and standing in a ridiculous line to buy anything.  (Seriously, to get me out of bed for Black Friday, the deal would have to be something along the lines of sex with Adam Levine for a dollar).  But I'm going to go do some shopping at a more normal hour, because it's payday and I need crap.  JoAnns is having some sales I want to hit up on Saturday, so I might get up a smidge early for that, but we'll see.

Anyway.  So that was my Thanksgiving.  Lazy and relaxing with good food--that's just what I wanted!

Thankful Thursday

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful for so many things, but today, I'm especially thankful for my mental health.

I don't even know how to put into words how good it feels to be mentally healthy.  I really don't.  Getting to this point, where I am healthy and normal and genuinely happy with my life has truly been the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I think I wrote about this a little bit last November, when I was just starting to see and feel some improvement, but at that time I never imagined how far I would end up coming.  I didn't think I would end up doing this well; I didn't think I would end up this happy.

I didn't get here on my own, though, and I'm so very thankful for all the people who've helped me.

I'm thankful for my family and Jerbs, who have just always been there, who witnessed the crazy firsthand, who had to calm me down over and over again, and who loved me anyway.  Jerbs probably saw the most of it, since she lived with me through years of it, and I can't count how many times she took away sharp things and pills so I couldn't hurt myself or tucked me into bed and rubbed my back until I fell asleep or how many times she took care of me when I couldn't do it myself.  I'd probably be dead without her.  And both she and my family helped a lot with the financial aspect of the treatment, for which I'm very grateful.

I'm thankful for Corey.  Even with all of the heart ache that was the end result of that relationship, and even though he's no longer a part of my life and never will be again, I'm thankful to him for pushing me to get treatment and for finding the first doctor who ever actually helped me.

I'm thankful for Dr. Wright, who actually listened to me and made a correct diagnosis and started me on the treatment that helped me.

I'm thankful for all the various friends who've been there at one point or another, who have had kind words or a shoulder to cry on at the times I've needed.  These people know who they are, and I adore them.

I'm thankful for my MHC co-workers, because it was refreshing to go into a place where nobody knew about my issues, who just treated me like a normal person.  And it was even more refreshing that, when I did eventually tell them about it, they reacted with complete shock.  Most of them said they never would have guessed there was anything like that going on with me, and it was amazing to hear that.

So that's that.  Now I'm off to have some Thanksgiving dinner/lunch/whatever (courtesy of Sprouts) with Jerbs!

Finally A Good Night's Sleep!

I went to bed at 11:15 last night.  11:15!  That's earlier than I go to bed on work nights.  And let me tell you, it was glorious.  I slept straight through the night until 6:20 in the morning . . . 7 continuous hours of sleep.  I don't remember the last time that happened!  My awesome night of sleep was the result of a very long and very busy day.

Back in October my boss sent me an email about this one day conference type deal that was happening in Cottonwood, which is about an hour from Flagstaff.  It was just a few speakers, and in particular there was a speaker from Medicare coming to talk about coding and whatnot.  Our CEO requested that my boss invite someone to go with her, and she invited me.  So I said I'd go, and then nothing was ever said about it again.  Like, nothing.  And as the date got closer I just kind of assumed we weren't going for whatever reason.  Then this past Thursday my boss was like oh shit, that thing is this weekend!

So Friday night I stayed up too late and went to bed at 1:30 AM; then on Saturday morning my alarm clock went off at 4:30.  It was very unpleasant.  But I dragged myself out of bed, got ready to go, and drove over to MHC in the snow (it was coming down pretty hard).  (I have to say, I love having an SUV.  I felt so much better driving that in the snow than any of the other cars I've had).  Thankfully my boss drove to Cottonwood.

The conference was good.  There were 3 speakers: a heart surgeon who went over ICD-10 stuff, an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in hands and didn't talk about billing/coding at all, and then a Medicare medical director who talked about ICD-10 and Medicare.  It was all actually very interesting.  I definitely learned some stuff that'll help me out in the future and I'm glad for that.  Medicare is such a complicated insurance that I think really knowing it will be a good thing for my career in this field.  And the conference ended an hour early, so we got home an hour early, which was awesome.

I took a little power nap when I got home and then Jerbs and I went out to dinner and then did some shopping.  We got home a little before 10, and I spent almost an hour just lying in my bed before I realized that I wasn't actually going to be able to stay up.

Anyway, that was my Saturday.  As much as I kind of didn't want to go to the conference I'm glad I did, because I learned a lot, and of course it never hurts to make a good impression on my boss, right?

Now on to my usual Sunday crap, yay.  I'm excited for this coming week, though, because it's only 3 days of work followed by 4 days off!  Can't beat that!

Today

We woke up to snow!  Well, I woke up to snow, Jerbs got to sleep in, but still!  It started snowing just before I went to bed last night and it apparently lasted because there were a couple inches on the ground in the morning.  It was so pretty.  I'm glad that even if my holiday spirit is still basically gone I can still get little kid level excited about snow.  It snowed for a couple hours and then poured down rain all day after that.  It's still raining.  Just as lovely as the snow, I think.

After work I took my car to Discount Tire to get one of my tires fixed, and they were packed.  Lots of people getting snow tires put on and stuff.  So they told me it would be a 2.5 hour wait just for my little repair, which sucked, but I didn't have a choice.  I wandered over to the Bookman's plaza and went to Michaels, JoAnn, and Bookmans.  Bookmans has a cool little cafe, so I got a Mexican mocha latte (so good!) and sat by the window and just watched the rain come down.  It was lovely.  There was a very interesting guy performing there today . . . I didn't find out his name, but he's a singer/guitarist/Native American flute player.  I think my favorite song was "Don't Worry, Be Hopi," which was sung to the beat of "Don't Worry, Be Happy."  It was all about the trials, triumphs, and spirit of the Hopi tribe.  It was pretty amazing, in a Flagstaff kinda way.  

They had these little signs up around the cafe, and it made me happy:

Love it.  If I were doing NaNo this year I'd totally write there.

I finally headed back to the tire place and on the way I passed this . . . um, interesting? . . . bit of Christmas window art.  I can't remember which business had it on their window but I find it odd:

I texted it to B, and this conversation happened.

Me: I do not understand what's happening in this picture.

B: He's . . . inflating his sack?

Me: He's inflating someone's sack.

B: It's so swollen.

B: He's blushing too, little scamp.

Me: Viiiiirgin.

Yeah.  We're interesting together.

I got back to the tire place right about 2.5 hours after I dropped my car off and sat there for another 45 minutes.  It sucked.  And my tire was fixable but when they took it off they found it was totally bald on the inside.  I told them to just put the spare on if they could get to it (getting to my spare is complicated . . . my dad wasn't able to when I was in Ktown).  I thought for sure I was going to end up having to buy a new tire but the spare thing worked out and I had my car like 5 minutes after my conversation with the tech.

Then I picked up my Lithium, which is awesome.  I was dreading doing it because I thought for sure my doctor's office would have fucked up again, but thankfully that wasn't the case.  Woohoo medication.

So that was my day.  I think this was the first Friday since I started at MHC that I didn't come straight home and take a nap after work . . . maybe I'm growing up!

Probably not, though.  Probably not.

TGIF

I'm so glad this week is over.

It started out bad (seriously, worst Monday ever) and really only marginally improved.  I think I've spent most of the week in my bed with the covers pulled over my head, sound asleep.

I have just been exhausted this week.  Flat out exhausted.  Like I felt in April when I thought my thyroid was crashing.  This time I'm blaming it on other things.

I had trouble sleeping on Sunday night.  Not unusual but normally I just have trouble getting to sleep and basically end up falling asleep later than I should.  But this past Sunday I spent most of the night tossing and turning and randomly waking up and feeling incredibly anxious.  I think it was the lack of Lithium starting to take effect.  So then I was super tired Monday, and the combination of exhaustion and having a shitty day felt like a really great excuse for taking a nap after work.

Which meant I went to bed late on Monday.  And took a nap on Tuesday.  And so on and so forth.  I've napped every day this week (loooong naps too . . . like shamefully long naps).  So I screwed my sleep schedule.

Add to the screwed up sleep schedule the lack of Li in my system, the dreary winter weather we've been having, and the fact that it's already completely dark by the time I get home in the evenings and there ya have it.

Not that I don't love the dreary winter weather.  It's been grey and rainy all week (and SNOW predicted for the weekend) and it's beautiful . . . but it also makes my bed a lot more appealing than most other things.

I think it goes without saying that I completely ditched my diet this week.  Sigh.

Next week should be better.  The Lithium issue should be resolved today (Friday), and I know that'll help a lot with the energy thing, which will in turn make it easier to eat better and stick to my normal sleep schedule.  Weeks like this, when I feel like I accomplish nothing, make me feel like crap, and I hate it.  But then, I also think that I'm allowed to have an off week here and there.  It happens to everyone, right?

Here's to Friday!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:

--My job.  This is a really big one this year, because last year at this time I was unemployed and terrified that I'd never find a job.  And now I have a job that I love, with great co-workers, and I make enough money to support myself.  It's truly one of the best things that's happened to me since I came back to Flagstaff, for so many reasons.  I can say without a doubt that it helped tremendously with my mental health issues.  I feel so much better about myself now that I've got a job where I do well and am actually kind of important, and now that I don't have to depend on Jerbs so much.  It makes me feel very accomplished and happy.  Having a fixed schedule has also helped a lot, just in general.  Before, when I worked at Hastings and then when I wasn't working, I always stayed up too late and then slept too late and just felt off as far as how my days went, if that makes sense.  My work schedule has helped a lot with that.  I am just so incredibly grateful for MHC because I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be.  Plus the experience and skills I'm getting at this job will always be useful and will definitely help me get a job when I move out of AZ.  It's just a win win win for me, and like I said, I'm grateful for it, everyday.

--My car.  This is also a big one.  Having a car has been awesome.  Obviously it's made life a little easier in that it's convenient to be able to do things on my schedule and to be able to grocery shop without having to think about how much I can carry home.  And of course it's nice to not have to hike through snow in the freezing cold to get to the bus.  But even more than that I feel like my car is a really big symbol of my independence and how far I've come.  I bought that car by myself.  My mom did help with the down payment a little but I paid her back really fast, so I really did buy it with my own money.  And my own credit.  It's the first car that's ever been in just MY name, and I am so freaking proud of that!  Buying it was an accomplishment.

--Music education.  I know this is kind of a random one but it's something that I was thinking of the other day.  Art programs of all kinds are always the first things to go when schools need to save money and that's heart breaking.  I feel like the arts are absolutely essential to a well rounded education.  I started in band when I was in 5th grade and I played in ensembles all the way through college, plus I joined a band sorority, where I made some of the best friends I've ever had.  I'm very thankful that my parents always encouraged me to pursue music and that they thought it was just as important as math and English and science.  I genuinely feel like it made me smarter, and I know it played a huge role in making me who I am today.

Not A Good Day

So last week I requested a Lithium refill through my pharmacy website.  After two days it still hadn't been filled so I called my doctor's office and left a voicemail asking them to just call it in, because I didn't want to deal with the same BS as when I called in my Paxil.  And it was filled this past Friday, and I finally went to pick it up today.  And it was the wrong effing prescription.  It was Lithium, just not the extended release kind.  It was the regular kind that makes me sick when I take it.  Just to clarify, I have been on the ER formula for more than two years now (since September 2011), I told this new doctor that at least twice during our visit back in September so I know it's in his notes, AND it's in my chart.  Yet somehow this moron managed to get it wrong.

So now I'm 4 days off Lithium and feeling like crap and generally just very, very annoyed with this whole freaking process.  Today especially sucked and I honestly found myself very bitterly thinking that maybe I should just terminate my treatment and let this shit run its course until its inevitable end.  It is enormously frustrating to feel like all the hard work I've done is a waste because my doctor is completely incompetent.  I really, really can't handle this up and down shit--being well, then being sick, then being well, then being sick, and so on.

I'm looking for a new doctor.  I'm done with this office.  Beyond done.  Apparently my old doctor was the glue holding the place together.

Then my mom called me at work to let me know that she was at the vet's office in Kingman to have on of our cats, Peek-A-Boo, put to sleep.  Peek-A-Boo was my first real pet, a white kitten with two different colored eyes, who I adopted from my childhood best friend.  She was very, very old--I think we got her in 1996, so she was 17.5 years old, and she had a good kitty life, I know that.  She was very loved.

Maybe this is weird, but I feel a very strong need to say good bye to my old pets, even if it's via phone.  So after I talked to my mom on my work phone, I grabbed my cell phone and slipped away to one of the sleep rooms.  I called my mom back and she put the phone to Boo Boo's ear and I told her how much I loved her.  Then I went to my desk and cried my eyes out.  Super grown up and professional, I know, but at one point or another I've seen pretty much all of my co-workers having similar break downs over their kids or spouse's or whatever, and I feel like I should get the same consideration for the things I care about.  Then I cried the whole drive home, and then I fell into my bed and cried myself to sleep.  I don't cry much anymore but when I do, I cry about everything that I'm unhappy about, so it's pretty intense.

All in all just a shitty, shitty day.  But I know that Peek-A-Boo is in a better place (I don't know if I believe in God or whatever, but I firmly believe that all souls, animal or human, go somewhere beautiful where they are reunited with loved ones and that they watch over us from that place), and I know that she's there with all of her furry siblings who've gone before her.  Especially Goochie, our dachshund, who we got right around the same time as Boo Boo and who passed away a few years ago.  My mom said that they were going to have her cremated and sprinkle her ashes in a pet memorial garden that the vet's office maintains.  I was glad to hear that.

And I know that the Lithium thing will work out, I just have to get through a day or two more and then I'll be good for another month, and in the meantime I'll find a doctor who knows what he or she is doing and understands the concept of continuation of care.

R.I.P. Peek-A-Boo.  Love and miss you.

Sigh

This popped up on Facebook today.

And I giggled.  And then I cringed.  And then I hoped--hoped hoped hoped--that this is never how I'm thought of, by him or anyone else.

Thoughts & Stuff

I've been feeling pretty happy lately.  For the past two weeks, really, ever since I got back from Kingman; I think something about my visit home had an energizing effect on me.  I've been writing--like actually writing, not just sort of scribbling notes here and there, but actually focusing on one specific writing project and working on it.  I'm making progress on it and it makes me happy.  And I'm really proud of my diet accomplishments this past week; I know I wasn't perfect but I definitely took some really good steps in the right direction and I feel confident about how this next week will go in that respect.

It's been nice.  I've just felt very sure of myself and very engaged in my life.

And then tonight just . . . I don't know.

It started with an argument with Jerbs and then kind of snow balled from there, because that one little argument over nothing made me think of things I generally try to just ignore.

Let me say that I am happy with my life.  I know I don't have a lot to complain about.  But there are times when I'm not content.  Because at the end of the day, as happy as I am, I know that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I am so lonely.  This is probably the worst thing.  I can honestly say that Jerbs is my only friend here in Flagstaff.  There is literally no one I can call up and go to dinner with or go hang out with.  She is the only person I interact with socially and it makes me miserable.  Yes I have my co-workers but they're all married and have kids and they don't really have time to hang out with single co-workers.  I love Jerbs but not enough to want her to be my only friend.

And I'm sick of being single.  So fucking sick of it.  I miss Ex-Fiance and I'm painfully aware of how not over him I am.  And I hate myself for not being over it.  I hate missing him and knowing exactly what went wrong with us and exactly how I could have fixed and that for whatever reason I chose not to fix it.  Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of the role I played in the end of our relationship, that I really had no idea what I did wrong and blamed him for the whole thing.  The regret is still immense.

I just . . . want a change.  I want to be out of AZ by the time I'm 30; that's my goal.  And sometimes I completely panic that my life, as it is right now, is what my life will always be.  And if I turn 35 and I'm still sharing a bedroom with my ex girlfriend in the town where I went to college, I am going to feel like I took a very, very wrong turn somewhere.

Fitness Update

I haven't weighed myself since October 15th, which is why I didn't post a November weigh in.  I just kind of decided I didn't care.  During that whole incident with my medicine I went completely off the rails diet/exercise wise so I knew that whatever I saw on the scale wasn't going to be pleasant.  I didn't measure myself either.

But after awhile of not caring I'm in the process of trying to get back into the groove of losing weight.  Right now I'm focusing on diet as opposed to exercise, because the food part of stuff is what I have the most trouble with.  And I know that the food part is the most important, so right now my goal is to cut out fast food, limit soda (OMG SO HARD), and eat at a calorie deficit.  I'm on myfitnesspal.com and logging what I eat and drink, and for the past couple days I've done well!  I didn't eat fast food on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I stayed under my calorie goal every day, and the most soda I've had on any day has been 2 cans (which I realize is still quite a bit but for me that's freaking amazing), and I haven't gone over my calorie goal any day.

I won't lie, I feel like shit.  I'm definitely having some caffeine withdrawals; mostly I'm a lot more tired than usual and I have headaches.  And I'm grouchy as well.  I think I'm having fasts food withdrawal too.  I know that I'm eating enough, I just think my body is used to a really big intake of fat and calories and without that it's like WTF are you doing?  It's not really pleasant but it's manageable.  This is one reason I'm giving myself a break from the gym for a bit.  I just don't feel up to exercising but I think that as my body gets used to less fat/calories/sugar/caffeine I'll be able to back to the gym and do well.  I knew that when I finally actually committed to a diet it wasn't going to feel good, because I've spent years and years eating nothing but fatty, high calorie, high sugar junk and that's what my body's acclimated to.  It's kind of depressing.  At the same time, I'm proud of myself and I feel like the pat few days are a great start!  When it comes to weight loss food has ALWAYS been what's held me back, because let's face it, going to the gym and hitting up Taco Bell on your way home just isn't the way to do things!  But now that I've got almost a week under my belt I'm feeling very confident, and I think maybe this will finally be the time I make it happen.

I've heard from two people, both of whom I trust, that the first week is the hardest and that once I get past that I'll be fine . . . here's hoping, right?

At any rate, I'm going to weigh/measure on December 1st, and hopefully the numbers will be encouraging!

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for:

--My friends from college.  I didn't make it out of college with a huge social group, because I was super antisocial.  In retrospect it was probably undiagnosed bipolar disorder that made me that way but regardless of the reason, that's what happened.  Even though I don't have a lot of friends from my college days, the ones I do have--Theresa and B in particular--are pretty freaking amazing, and I'm very grateful for them.

--My furkids!  Benji especially, because he's been my little buddy for 6.5 years now, and because he gave me something to focus on when I was sick and by myself.  I just love him so much, and I hope that he has some good years left with me.  And then there's Max, who's a hand full and at times a gigantic pain in the ass, but who's growing on me.  Even if Benji's my favorite, I'm very very glad that I was able to adopt Max and give him a happy forever home.  It's been very gratifying to watch him go from being shy and scared and skinny to playful and brave and fluffy.  He's really a very sweet dog, he's just been a bit much to get used to.  He's very dog like--he chews on bones and rips up toys and runs around the house and sticks his head out the car window when we drive and lives to go on walks.  And Benji, even at his healthiest, was more like an indoor cat; he's always preferred to be inside and just chilling on the couch.  But they make good brothers, and that makes me happy.  I'm even thankful for Jerbs' cats, because even though they drive me nuts sometimes they're sweet in their own way.  And they make Jerbs happy, which also makes me happy.

--This blog, still.  Because it's a great outlet for me and I like knowing that someday I'll be able to look back at all of this, or that someday my nephew might read it and get to know his Auntica a little bit better.  And because I want it to serve as a resource or an inspiration for other people suffering from mental illness, because I really would love nothing more than to help them.

On Being Social

This past Saturday, B and a few of her friends were in town for the day.  There was a small anime con at Little America and they were up here for that, and then later in the evening Jerbs and I met up with them for dinner, which turned into dinner then coffee then drinks.  It really was just a fantastic evening.  Good food, good company . . . you can't really go wrong with that.  It's always nice to see B (and we don't see each other nearly enough these days in my opinion) and catch up with her, and the people she was with (none of whom I'd met before) were all awesome.  Plus it was just nice to get out of the house, because that's unusual for me . . . not that I'm complaining, I'm definitely a homebody, but every once in awhile, y'know?

We had dinner at a pizza place, and can I tell you that I loved paying for my own dinner and someone else's?  Maybe that's weird but I spent so long always having Jerbs or someone else treat me and it made me feel so losery.  So being out and paying my own way felt awesome!  I felt like an adult.  Or at least, as much as I can feel like an adult when I'm with Jerbs and B.

Anyway, besides being just an awesome night with friends, it was another one of those times that just made me understand very clearly how much better I am than I used to be.

I don't think I have to say that in the past, when I was sick, social experiences were a complete and utter nightmare for me.  I'm convinced this is why I have so few friends from college--because I always hated going out and being around people.  Even people I genuinely liked.  It was bad in college but it got much worse after.  It got to a point that going out with people made me question who I was.  It's hard to explain but it just fed my identity issues.  I think it was because I'd always end up comparing myself to the people I was with and, in a way, wondering if I should be more like them and feeling bad that I wasn't.  It would also make me feel kind of split--like who I was in my daily life wasn't the same as who I was when I was out with my friends, like somehow I was two different people and I had no clue which one was the real me.  It was awful.  It gave me anxiety attacks.  Plus when I was sick I was socially awkward: I always felt like I was too loud, like I talked too fast, like I was just kind of obnoxious and that no one wanted to really be around me.

But this weekend I felt none of those things.  I'm pretty sure I made some new friends, and that's great.  I feel like I'm actually quite likable now.  And not once did I question myself or where I am in life.  Talking to B and her friends about what they're doing with their lives was just interesting.  Just part of the conversation.  And when I got home, I felt whole instead of split.  I felt like I was just me--a girl who works in medical billing and writes and sews and gabs with old friends and drinks bloody marys and whatever.  Like all the parts of me made sense.  It was seriously one of the best feelings ever.  I don't think I'd realized until now how much better those particular issues had gotten, and I am over the moon to have done so.  When I went to work on Monday I felt like I fit in with my co-workers just as well as with my college friends.  Truly glorious.

I love these reminders of my mental health.  It makes me so happy.  So so happy. 

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for . . .

--My family.  Of course this goes without saying and I'm always grateful for them, but when I think of being thankful, they're my first thought.  This past weekend's visit to Kingman was a good reminder of this.  I'm thankful to my mom and dad for just generally being very loving and supportive parents.  I'm thankful that I get to see them as grandparents, because it really is one of the most amazing things to watch.  I'm thankful for my sisters: Jenny because she's an inspiration in that she balances being a single mom and an amazing RN, and because I'm just so proud of her, and Jillian because she's the only person in my family I can really talk to about artistic pursuits (which is why she's one of my beta readers for my writing, always).  And this year I'm especially thankful for Austin, because he's just at such a great, fun age, and I literally can't be anything but happy when I'm around him.

--Jerbs.  Oh Jerbs.  I don't know what I'd do without her.  She's such an integral part of my life that I don't even know how to put it into words, really.  I'm glad I don't have to live alone, and I'm glad to have her as a friend.  I'm glad she's been such a tremendous support system through both recovering from my mental issues and my breakup.  When it comes to those things I don't know what I'd have done without her.

That's it for today!  More next Thursday!

K-Town & Austy's 5th(!) Birthday

This past weekend's trip to Kingman was really, really good.

I left on Friday (way later than I meant to) and got in a little before 7:00.  Austin was SO excited to see me!  That evening I took him out to dinner (at Cracker Barrel, his favorite), and Jillian joined us.  Then I took him to Hastings and let him pick out his birthday gifts.  The look on his face when I told him he could spend $40 for his birthday was priceless.  I know $40 is a lot . . . I think it was a combination of how cute that kid is and how guilty I felt about not visiting my family since June.  Anyway, he got Mario Yahtzee (I have no idea why) and this little science kit thing.  As he called it, he got "Mario Ahtzee and science!"

The next morning we went to Austin's soccer game, which was pretty hilarious.  Austin likes to kind of rev up when it's his turn to kick the ball in, so he starts running from way back at the goal net and then kicks.  It's just fantastic, and by the end of the game all the kids on his team were doing it.  Afterwards I took Jillian to lunch at Chipotle (because they opened one in Kingman, which is so weird!) and we talked about her plans for the future, which was nice.  Jillian is one of those people who's got a great head on her shoulders but just needs to figure out how to use it, and I think she's making progress.

And then it was time for Austin's birthday party!  My sister has gotten a lot smarter about throwing little kid parties, so this year, we had it at this park near my mom's house, and had cupcakes instead of a cake.  It was fun, and Max was in heaven with all these little kids wanting to pet him and love on him.  Afterwards I helped Austy build some of the Legos he got for his birthday.  Austin is always endlessly impressed with my Lego skills, which makes me happy.

Sunday morning my sister was working so Austin had to go to daycare, so we said goodbye before he left since I was anticipating leaving before he'd be out of daycare.  I went to my dad's and we visited and he changed the oil in my car (woohoo!), and then I went back to my sister's and took a nap.  By the time I woke up it was afternoon and I decided to stick around and pick Austin up from daycare as a surprise.  The look on his face when I walked in was amazing.  He said, "Auntica, I thought you were going home!"  And I said, "I was, but then I decided I'd rather hang out with you some more instead!"  He was so excited.  We went to this frozen yogurt place he likes (I don't actually know the name of it, but it's by Home Depot) and got some frozen yogurt.  They have board games there that you can play and Austin got all excited when he saw they had Yahtzee, so we played that while we ate our yogurt.  It was just lovely.

Afterwards I took Austin to my mom's, hung out for a little while, and then had to leave.  Poor Austin was so sad, he was crying his sweet little eyes out because he didn't want me to leave.  It was pretty heart wrenching.  I hate hearing him cry.  I think how I feel about Austin is probably the closest I'll ever get to maternal instinct, so it was hard.  I just love him so much.

So now I'm back in Flagstaff, dealing with fun new crap at work and missing my family.  This visit was probably the best one I've had since the breakup, and that makes me happy.

I wish Austin could stay this age forever.  I wish he could spend his whole life thinking the world was bounce houses, Legos, and people who love him unconditionally and without reserve.  But since he can't, I just want to remember that right now, he is this perfect distillation of joy and energy and good all contained in a gangly, grinning little boy.

Halloween 2013

This Halloween was pretty uneventful.

I had to work, and the night before work, I got an anonymous Halloween gift from a co-worker (I know who it was, though) and it was kind of part of a chain thing, so I had to get two other co-workers gifts. And the gifts kind of gave me some Halloween spirit so at the last minute I signed up to bring pumpkin chocoloate chip cookies to the Halloween pot luck at work. In the process of signing up I kind of got roped into bringing some “real food” as well.

So I went straight from the work to the store and bought stuff for my gift bags, ingredients for my cookies, and ingredients for a baked potato soup I found online. I figured soup was fairly simple, and I could put it in my crockpot to keep warm at the party.

As soon as I got home I started on the soup. It was pretty easy after the chopping and peeling type stuff was done, and Jerbs helped me a lot. Once that was done I made the cookies, and then I put my gift bags together. By the time I finished everything it was time for bed, and I was exhausted, and my legs were absolutely killing me after being in heels all freaking day long. I pretty much fell into bed and didn't sleep all that well.

Halloween itself wasn't bad. My soup and cookies were a hit and my gift bags were too. I won't lie, though, I felt like I got hit by a damn truck all day long. My legs hurt from the heels thing (I definitely wore flats on Halloween), and I was completley exhausted. I think never having any actual, legit down time the day before really hurt my sleep cycle. I'm definitely the type of person who needs to just veg out for a while and unwind after work before I go to bed.

After work I came home determined to not give in to taking a nap, but after a couple hours, I just couldn't help it. Jerbs was sick so she laid down too, and we both pretty much took like 3 hour naps. It was actually pretty awesome.

I definitely wished I could have been in Kingman, though, hanging out with Austin and taking him trick or treating and handing out candy at my mom's.

But overall, not a bad Halloween.

Feeling Better And Getting Sick(?)

Mentally I'm feeling much better.  A weekend back on my medication and with some decent sleep has done me a world of good.  I'm still not 100% (still a little anxious at times) but still, much, much better.  Friday night in particular was amazing, because I took two a/d's and a Benadryl and just crashed.  It was blissful to actually be able to sleep.

And Jerbs being gone wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Although I did feel bad for Max who was stuck at home with a mom who didn't particularly feel like doing anything all weekend; I pretty much just wanted to stay inside and rest.  I swear Max nearly had a heart attack when we picked Jerbs up from the bus station on Sunday evening, he was just so HAPPY.

So mentally things are improving and that's awesome.  I'm still pretty livid that I had to deal with this ridiculous setback at all but at the same time, I'm not going to let it define me.  I won't lie, I had a few moments where the "what ifs" spiraled out of control and I worried that I'd never get my medicine and then lose my job and then my car and never get well again and that this snafu would be the unraveling of everything I'd accomplished.  But that's completely not the case.  And I know that, so I'm working very hard to not let it get me down.  At least this time around I can say that it was absolutely not my fault at all; this had nothing to do with me being non-compliant or rebellious or in denial like I used to be, and everything to do with some stupid miscommunication between other people.  At this point I don't give a shit what happened as long as it gets fixed and doesn't happen again.

As great as mental health is, I think I'm getting physically sick.  I mentioned that there's some nastiness going around work right now--bronchitis or something similar.  Basically a week ago today the one co-worker I absolutely despise because he is literally the most wretchedly annoying person I've ever met came to work sick.  He proceeded to walk around the business office hacking like mad and never covering his mouth or using hand sanitizer (seriously, he's disgusting, and we watched).  But his boss (the CEO) wouldn't send him home, and when he told him to wear a mask, the gross co-worker insisted he wasn't sick.  And sure enough by Tuesday one co-worker was coughing, and by Wednesday two more were.  My office mate and I shut our door, disinfected our entire office space, and crossed our fingers.

Well, today, one sick co-worker was fine, one is better, and one has a doctor's appointment tomorrow because she thinks she has pneumonia.  PNEUMONIA.

So far I've managed to not get it but then this evening . . . I don't know.  I'm starting to feel under the weather.  I was OK until I got off work, but once I got home, all I wanted to do was go to bed.  I slept through DWTS, and you know it's serious if I miss that.

All I can say is that if I'm getting sick it best be out of my system by Halloween because on November 1st I'm going to Kingman for a certain darling nephew's 5th birthday party, which I really, really don't want to miss.  At the same time, I'm not going to be a dick and infect my family and a bunch of 5 year old kids with potential pneumonia.  So my fingers are crossed.

And btw, it's windy as all hell and freezing and doing something like raining outside right now . . . I love this weather, sick or not!

Cluster F Update # 2

Today I called my pharmacy and asked if it was possible that my script request had gone to Arkansas.  The guy basically laughed at me and told me it would have gone to the office it originated in, and then told me again that it had been denied by the doctor's office.  So I asked him who had denied it, because from what I've always seen, Rx denials/approvals have to be signed by the doctor doing it.  And he told me that they wouldn't have that information on file.  Um, what?  So I asked if he could give me the number it had been faxed to and he told me that that information wasn't available either because supposedly they delete denied requests as soon as they're denied.  Ummmm . . . yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and put out there that not documenting things like this is incredibly irresponsible and probably illegal in some places.

I asked him again if he was sure he couldn't tell me who denied it and he got kinda snippy with me, and let me tell you that right now is just not the time for that, and I may have snapped a little.

I said to him, "So if I snap and kill myself this weekend because I'm out of my medication and my family decides to sue your pharmacy for incompetence, you'd have no way to prove that the doctor denied my prescription to cover your own ass?"  I usually think of really mean things to say to people providing shitty customer service and then scale it back to a less asshole-ish level but today . . . yeah.  Needless to say he had no response for that so after a very tense several second silence, I sarcastically told him he'd been very helpful and hung up.

Then I called my doctor's office, who told me that my request definitely wouldn't have gone to AR, but that it hadn't come to then either and that they genuinely have no clue what the pharmacy is saying.  At this point, I believe them.  So the girl I talked to took my prescription and pharmacy info. and said she'd get a message to the doctor  to just call in a new refill.  I told her it was urgent and she said she'd try to make sure it was called in today.

But, that didn't happen.  I called the pharmacy this evening and they hadn't been called, but they did offer to give me a 3 day supply just so I could get through the weekend.  It cost me 40 cents* and when I got home and opened the bottle, I found they'd given me 5 pills instead of 3.  Which has pretty much been the highlight of my week.

The new full script should be called in on  Monday, which is a tremendous relief.

This debacle has now taken 3 full freaking blog entries.  Ridiculous.  Is it really too much to ask that people whose jobs significantly effect other peoples' lives get their shit together?

*And naturally, I didn't have any cash on me whatsoever, and no change other than some random pennies at the bottom of my purse, so I had to put 40 cents on my freaking debit card.  Huuuuge pet peeve of mine!  I hate putting less than a dollar on my debit card, it's so stupid.

An Update On The Cluster F

My doctor's office called today and left a voicemail saying that they never got a refill request.  So either they're lying or the guy I talked to at my pharmacy is a moron.  Honestly, based on my experience, I'd say that neither is outside the realm of possibility.  I did 5 more refill requests online, which I'm sure will annoy the hell out of the pharmacy, but I'm a little bit done with this crap so they can deal.

So if the issue is that the office never got the request, and if it went through today, I should have my medicine by Saturday, or Sunday at the latest.  I'm hoping for the best case scenario.  Like really, really hoping, because I feel awful.

This is what a week + off my a/d means:
--not sleeping well and vivid, vivid dreams
--hot flashes all.day.long
--random breathlessness
--feelings of intense awkwardness . . . seriously, today at work I felt like a little kid trying to talk to grown ups
--feeling flustered/flushed, especially during conversations
--talking louder/faster than usual
--y'know how your head feels after a long, intense cry?  physically clogged and emotionally empty?  yeah, that . . . all.effing.day
--random flashes of the worst kind of anxiety--this burning, all encompassing flash of pure panic that literally makes me feel like I might collapse . . . fortunately, it only lasts a few seconds or minutes right now, and I've not had any full anxiety attacks yet

Yeah.  Lame.  It sucks.  I just . . . I can't believe I used to live like this.

Anyway, Jerbs is going out of town tomorrow, to visit B and her husband in Phoenix, and I'm a wreck about it.  Normally, I don't mind her leaving--I'm happy she gets to take a little vacation and I like my alone time . . . but I'd rather not be alone when I'm like this.  I'm sure I'll be fine, but still.

This whole thing is just so damn frustrating.  I'm angry that my ability to lead a normal life is so incredibly contingent on other people doing their jobs correctly.  Something about that is just so daunting.  I'll most likely need these medications the rest of my life, which I'm fine with, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with the up and down BS that come from someone else's fuck ups.  It makes me feel kind of helpless, and I hate that.

So hopefully this will be resolved quickly, and I'll be able to get back on track.  The good thing with the a/d's is that they get back into your system fairly fast, so it won't take long to feel better.  And if it doesn't get resolved quickly I'm prepared to fight harder.

***EDIT:  It just occurred to me . . . the prescription I requested a refill on was written by my old doctor, who is now practicing in Arkansas.  And now I'm wondering . . . if the pharmacy has his dems updated to his new practice, then maybe my request went there.  Which would explain the denial--because he's not my provider anymore--and the fact that the office here never got it.  Naturally by the time I thought of this the pharmacy was already closed but I'll definitely have to look into it tomorrow.  I'm so relieved to have possibly found the explanation for all this!

Deep . . . Deep . . . Deep . . . Breaths

Sooooo . . . let's talk about the gigantic cluster F that is my mental health treatment right now.

There are two parts to this story, and I really  can't remember what I've talked about here and what I haven't, so let's just start at the beginning.

The first part of this story is that I owe my doctor's office money that they can't legally collect from me.  Basically, they're trying to do what's called "balance billing"--an illegal practice that involves charging a patient for the difference between the insurance's allowed amount for a service and what the doctor's office charges for a service.  Every insurance company has what's called a fee schedule, which consists of their allowed amounts for cpt codes--in other words, every insurance company basically says, this is what we'll pay for whatever code, and this is the most our insured members can be charged for this code.  Does that make sense?

So MHC does the smart thing, and links each pt. account to their specific insurance's fee schedule, so that we're already billing the allowed amount.  That way we never have to do any weird additional adjustments on claims; it's very handy.  But some doctor's offices bill the insurance companies their cash pay rates, which is dumb and just makes more work.

So this is what happened to me.  I paid $180.40 at my visit with the crappy temp doctor.  Which was all good and fine and whatever.  Then around the beginning of the month-ish, I got a bill from his office for $219.60.  Why?  Because their charge for the cpt 99205 is $400.00, and according to them, I owed the difference between that and what I paid.

However, I work in medical billing, and not a day goes by that I don't look at the BCBS fee schedule, so I know that their allowed amount for that particular code is only about $265.  Meaning that unless BCBS says that I'm not insured by them, my doctor's office legally cannot charge me more than $265 for that visit.  I called them and left a voicemail saying I'd be glad to pay the difference of like $85 but that I wasn't paying a penny more than that.  In return they said I needed to call my insurance because they needed records from a previous provider.  Which I did, and guess what?  The provider they need records from is my old doctor . . . whose records are AT THE SAME FREAKING OFFICE AS MY NEW DOCTOR.  Effing ridiculous.  So I may be in a pre-existing condition period at this point, which is fine, because I have a high deductible anyway so I was fully anticipating paying for the visit.  But regardless of the reason that BCBS says they won't pay (unless it's for no coverage, which it won't be), I legally do not have to pay more than the allowed amount.  Again, I do this for a living and I know for a fact that I'm right.

In the same voicemail as telling them I'd only pay the allowed amount I asked what was going on with my prescriptions and was told to request a refill through my pharmacy.  I did that last week, and yesterday, upon calling the pharmacy to check the prescription status, I was told that the doctor had denied it.  Um . . . what?  The only thing I can figure is that they're denying it because of the money that I owe them, which makes me livid beyond comprehension.  I called and left a voicemail (they never answer their phone) and haven't heard back yet.  I'm now about a week off of my antidepressants and I am not feeling well.  I'm so.freaking.mad.

Tomorrow I'm going to call BCBS (at my boss's recommendation) and let them know what's going on as far as the balance billing stuff.  Insurance companies take that very seriously and they could revoke their credentialing with this particular physician if it's a regular practice.  And in AZ, losing your BCBS contract means going out of business.

I also printed out the forms to file a complaint with the AZ Medical Board, and if this isn't resolved soon, those forms will be filled out and sent to Phoenix faster than this office can say "sorry, our bad."

In the meantime, I'm trying very hard to relax and keep calm and just go about my life, but it's very difficult.  I can feel symptoms creeping back and I hate it more than I can say.  It makes me so angry that I do everything that I'm supposed to, and that ultimately this doctor would rather make an extra $140 than give his patients proper care.

What I find really upsetting is that I only caught this error because stuff like this is my job.  I wonder how many other patients who don't know anything about medical billing have just paid their balance and not thought anything of it?  Incredibly depressing.  Taking advantage of mentally ill patients is disgusting.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.

Deep Breaths

Sometimes . . . I start to feel really overwhelmed and scattered.  Just by life in general.

I always seem to have a lot on my mind these days.  I have a lot of things I want and need to do and I just can't seem to find the time to get to all of them, and it bothers me.  A lot.  And then as I don't get to things and they kind of pile up in my head, that's when the overwhelmed/scattered feelings start.  I don't like it.  I get to a point where I feel like I'm just kind of letting my life pass me by and as it does, all I do is work, sleep, and eat.

This feeling gets especially strong late Saturday night.  That's when the holy-shit-the-weekend's-almost-over kind of stuff kicks in.

When it comes to my weekends Sundays are pretty much reserved for laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and other errand type stuff.  Chores, basically.  So fun stuff that I want to do, like writing and sewing and stuff, get done on Friday and Saturday.  And the time just seems to FLY by and before I know it, it's time to go back to work and I feel like I've wasted a weekend doing . . . not much.

I think a lot of it is the M-F schedule.  I've never had a job like that till MHC and even though I'm incredibly happy there, it's a little tough.  I've been there 9 months now and in that time every single one of my co-workers has taken at least one vacation of a week or more.  I'm thinking I need to do something like that soon.  I don't really know how much PTO I have but . . . definitely something to think about.

I also need to talk to my doctor (or A doctor, since I don't technically have a doctor at the moment) about the potential for thyroid issues, because I still have problems that could be associated with that.  I never have any energy and I sleep far more than I should on weekends; I wake up with headaches pretty frequently these days and I'm tired 90% of the time.  It's endlessly frustrating.  I'd be willing to bet actual money that my thyroid's screwed up--maybe just very very borderline but still--and that treatment for that would be helpful, but until my blood tests actually say something really definitively negative, it's not going to happen.  Sigh.

Anyway, right now I'm taking deep breaths and reminding myself that there really are no deadlines in everyday life, so I'll get to all the things I want to do when I do.  And that whatever physical problems I might be having will eventually get treated, because it'll eventually show up on some test or I'll find a more lenient doctor.

Deep.  Breaths.

Online Dating

Confession: I have a profile on Match.com.  I have for a couple months now, but I rarely think about it or check it.  It was made from a combination of being bored one night and just kind of being curious about what's out there.

It's not something I'm taking seriously right now.  I don't know that it's something I'll ever be able to take seriously, to be honest, because I'm not a huge fan of online dating.  I know it works for some people, and I know people who have ended up happily married after meeting online, and more power to them--but still, I just don't think it's for me.  Right now my profile is set to look for men in Washington state, not AZ, because come on--I'm definitely not going to meet anyone here in Flagstaff (hipsters, hippies, and arrogant college kids . . . um, no thanks) and I have no interest in moving to Phoenix.  Besides, I have no intention of staying in AZ (my goal is actually to move next year) and I feel like I'd probably end up meeting someone who did want to stay here.

I don't have a paid account on Match yet, because I just don't see the point right now.  Maybe somewhere down the road I'll try a little harder at it but . . . not yet.  But I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and it doesn't hurt to look, right?

When I do randomly remember to sign on and browse through my daily matches, it's usually a little exciting at first and then, by the time I'm on the last one, I just feel depressed.  I finally realized that it's because looking at guys and reading about why I should date them eventually just makes me remember that I already found someone and that I already know who I want to be with.  The thought of starting over and trying to connect to someone else the same way is . . . daunting, to say the least.  Very, very daunting.

Speaking of that person, back at the beginning of September I talked to a co-worker about him, and she basically was all, "Girl, go for what you want!  You need to make a bold move!"  (That's a direct quote, I swear).  So after a couple weeks of hesitating, I tried calling him.  Which failed, because cell service where he is kind of sucks.  But I tried a few times and when that didn't work, I Facebooked him.  I didn't say much, just what I wanted and needed him to hear, and I'm waiting to hear back.  It's been 2.5 weeks and I have to be honest, my hopes aren't high.  I needed to try, though, because not saying what I needed to say was becoming a bigger burden than finally gathering the thoughts and putting them out there.

I know that right now all I can do is be patient and wait for fate to do its thing.  I truly believe that whatever's meant to be will be, and in the end I really just want to know that I tried everything I could to make things go how I wanted them to.  And I've done that, I think.  For now I'm just going to continue to focus on myself: my job, my life, my writing, my health.  Pretty much what I've been doing all this year, just with a more happy, at peace mentality about it, if that makes sense.

It Snowed Yesterday

It's true.  Yesterday Flag got its first snowfall of the season.  It really wasn't anything to get excited about, just off and on flurries that didn't stick at all (by the time I left work it just looked like it had rained), but it was still pretty and nice to watch from my desk at work.  And even though nothing stuck here in town, the Peaks are covered in white and look absolutely beautiful.

The snow made me think of a lot of things I need to buy.  Like a scraper/brush for the car, which I completely spaced since I didn't have a car this time last year.  And snow boots, since the ones I currently have decided to stop being water proof last winter.  And a new coat, because the one I've worn the past 3 years is randomly too tight in the shoulders.  It fits everywhere else, though.

I should probably get some actual snow tires put on the car, too, but the thought of spending that much money makes me cringe.

Today was clear and sunny, just cold, and we're not supposed to get more snow for awhile.  I love the cooler temperatures and having to turn the heater on at home.  This is easily my favorite time of year.

Happy Pictures

Today was a cruddy day.  I was tired and sore and woke up with a splitting headache, I didn't get to shower before work, I skipped the gym, and I ate my feelings.  I'm just . . . sad.  And I know why, and I know it'll pass, but unfortunately, it's not something that's fixable.  And that royally, royally sucks.

So here are some pictures that have made me happy recently.  Enjoy.

Max is very protective of his toys, especially from the 

cats.  Which is why he's usually holding on to at least two

of them at once.

Side note: in the time since this picture was taken he

chewed that bone into pieces and then puked up some of the

pieces next to my bed.  Because he loves me.

Max and Irene are kind of friends now.  Well, they at

least tolerate one another.  But only because they both

love my bed.

Halloween nails round one!  It's a spider web/spider

pattern from our stamper set.

Close up.  I love how these turned out.

Max won't share his toys, but this past weekend he let

Benji share his new bone.  Benji can't chew on bones anymore,

so he just kind of licked it.  It's ham flavored.

It was seriously the sweetest thing I've ever seen.  I might

have teared up a little when it happened.

And even though I skipped the gym today, I did do my lower body workout at home.  So I at least did *something*.  Baby steps.