A (Sort Of) Triumphant Return(ish)

Well, long time no see Life and Times of Ica.

I remember when I was first blogging, I'd find other blogs that hadn't been updated in years, and the last entry would be just a normal one, and I'd wonder what happened that made the writer just stop.  And now . . . here I am 2+ years since I posted and the answer is that LIFE happens.  Honestly, it hasn't been anything crazy exciting, just life.  Some bad, some good, some amazing, some awful.  Way way way too much to put into just one blog post.  Probably way way way too much to blog about, period, but I think I'm going to try.  I actually do miss this little space, and I started it back when what I was documenting was 90% misery.  There are definitely some good times on here too, but I think there should be more of them now that I'm, y'know, happy. 

So briefly . . .

The good/amazing:
--we are still in WA and we still love it
--I'm still working for MHC and loving working from home; Jerbs works in medical billing too now and she loves her job
--we still have Max and Hollie and Irene and Ilya, and they're all healthy and happy
--we have a new cat named Nikolai, and 2 rats named Juniper and Delilah
--I joined a gym that I really really love
--I'm subbing in multiple handbell choirs
--I actually have a love life!  (or . . . really a sex life, I guess, and I love it)
--I think I've finally gotten to the very root of my mental health issues and I'm finally on a med regimen that is WORKING
--over the past couple of years Jerbs and I have seen Game Grumps Live, NSP live, the Mountain Goats, Alton Brown, Neil Gaiman, TSO, Maroon 5 . . . and we're seeing the Mountain Goats and Morrissey in September
--the Goldwomen bought a HOUSE  earlier this year! (I have yet to visit them and see it, but I'm going to someday!)
--the Flicks had another baby and she's AMAZING, and their first baby is now a toddler who is also AMAZING . . . I legit love those kids and their parents; they also bought a new house since I last blogged and it's super cute
--Jerbs' cousin had a baby and he's 2 now, and he's adorable, and hilariously fearless
--Austy is TEN and started 5th grade the other day, and I'm blown away both by the little person he's become and by how it seems like just yesterday that he was a tiny baby; he's smart and funny and an amazing baseball player and I just love him
-Austy is also a BIG BROTHER now!  my sister had a baby girl in January, her name is Logan, her birthday is close to mine and Jillian's, and she's literally the cutest baby I've ever seen
--related--my sister is married!  she met this awesome guy in 2017, they fell in love, got engaged at a Dbacks game, had a baby, and had a mini wedding in April . . . their real big wedding is next April (on their 1st anniversary) and I'm so excited!  I'm so genuinely, over the moon happy for my sister
--my new brother in law has 5 kids from a previous marriage, so I have 4 step nephews and a step niece . . . I've mt two of the nephews and they're awesome, and my step niece is just adorable and I love her

The bad/awful:
--I went through a pretty awful bout mental health wise for awhile
--Jerbs' mom passed away last year
--around the same time, a friend/sorority sister from college passed away while giving childbirth
--literally everything about the Trump administration . . . thank God next year is an election year, hopefully it'll be the end of this utter bullshit nightmare

I think that's about it.  Life is pretty good at the moment, minus constantly missing Jane.  Hopefully sometime soon I can write more in detail.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with this lovely picture of our neck of the woods--Capitol Lake and the capitol building in Oly.

PASSED!!!!!!!!!!

I passed my CPC exam!!!

I found out while I was at work today via the AAPC website.  I immediately called my boss, who was very congratulatory and sent out a company wide email congratulating me.  So that was exciting.

I'm still in shock.  I honestly thought I was going to have to retake that test.  Like . . . I really didn't think I'd pass on the first try.

Granted, I barely passed with the minimum score for certification.  But as my boss pointed out, people hiring you don't ask for your score, they just look at your certification, so who cares?  I freaking passed!  I think I'd have done better if I hadn't rushed, but I was so consumed with finishing before time was up that I definitely went faster than I needed to.

I'm so happy!!  And SO proud of myself!!  My co-workers were all very proud as well, and that felt good.

Also, today is ICD-10 implementation day and it's already a disaster . . . kinda glad I'm on vacation!

And on that note, Jerbs and I are getting ready to leave for SLC so I'm off to finish packing!

Colorado//First Plane Ride//Shannon's Wedding

I'm home from my trip to Colorado, and now that I've slept for approximately 14 hours, I finally feel awake enough to write about it.

I left last Thursday, after I made sure the cats were going to survive 4 days home alone.  Jerbs left for San Diego last Tuesday night, so all of the animal and house preparing fell to me (yay, my favorite).  I get super paranoid about that kind of stuff, so I spent all my after work time on Wednesday making sure various things were unplugged and taking out trash and setting out bowls of food and water for the cats and making sure there was nothing in the fridge that would go bad, etc. etc. etc.  I also managed to do most of my packing somewhere in there, which of course made exactly zero difference in being able to leave on time on Thursday because I just don't do on time, I guess.

I worked a half day Thursday, then put in a little time at job # 2.  Then I came home and triple checked everything in the house, showered, finished packing, loaded up the car and hit the road.  I was just over halfway to Flagstaff when I randomly started wondering if I had locked a cat in the laundry room.  I seriously considered turning around and driving back to check, but talked myself out of it.  I had checked the laundry room before I left, but I'd only kind of glanced because I was in a hurry, so . . . yeah.  I kind of talked myself into a panic about it.  (Happily, I did NOT lock any cats in the laundry room when I left, but those fatties did manage to eat all the food I put out for them so . . . good job, cats).

I drove to Kingman and dropped my dogs and their stuff off at my mom's (she was nice enough to watch them for me), then I spent the night at my sister's.  (Austin was so happy to see me, when he saw me at my mom's he said he'd been waiting ALL DAY for me to get there haha).  Our flight from Vegas to Denver was at 6:20 in the morning, which mean we got up around 2 AM to be on the road by 3.  This all happened after staying up until at least 11 the night before, so it was not the most pleasant experience.  The whole way to Vegas my sister (needlessly) worried that we were going to miss our flight, which made the whole thing even more fun.

So the flight.  This was actually my first time ever flying, so I was really excited and nervous about it.  The security stuff was kind of anxiety inducing, I was very worried that I was going to get stopped for extra stuff--not that there was any reason at all that I would be, but still.  On the plane, I sat with Austin, so he got the window seat, but since he's so short I was able to see over him.  Let me tell you, I really surprised/impressed myself with how calm I was about flying.  Like, I fully expected to be shit terrified, but . . . I was just completely at ease.  Take off was a little weird, just because you kind of get thrown back in your seat as the plane goes up, and it's a strange sensation when you experience it for the first time.  Once we were in the air, the only thing that scared me was when the plane would kind of roll to the side.  That's the only way I can think to describe it, and I think it happens when the plane moves in a curved line, if that makes sense.  It's kind of creepy to be looking out the window and then just have it dip to one side, so that scared me quite a bit.  But the flight to Denver was really smooth and the landing was smooth too, so overall I think I got lucky to have that particular flight as my first one.  (Flight home was not so great but more on that later).

Once we got to Denver, we picked up a rental car and drove to Colorado Springs (about an hour away).  Then my sister and her friend, Jen, who had flown out with us, had the rehearsal dinner.  At that point I actually took the rental car and drove back to the Denver airport to pick up Jen's boyfriend, who had flown out from Phoenix.  Weirdly, that drive was one of the highlights of the trip for me.  Before I left, my sister freaked out because I don't have GPS on my phone, and I just looked up the directions online and wrote them down.  Then the exit I was supposed to take was closed, which initially made me panic, because I was on a packed 4 lane highway in a strange city/state, so I just kept driving, intending to turn around and try to hit my intended exit from the other direction.  But then I saw signs for the airport at a different exit a few miles up the road and just followed those, so basically I ended up taking the highway instead of a toll road, which just adds about 20 minutes onto the trip, not really a big deal.  So I made it to the airport, followed the signs to the terminal (based on just knowing the airline BTW), then followed the signs to passenger pick up, and smoothly and successfully picked up Jen's boyfriend.  Then I just followed the signs to get back on the road to Colorado Springs, and we successfully made it back.  I was so fucking proud of myself!  I mean, I still get lost in Flagstaff sometimes, but I was able to drive to an airport in a place I'd never been to pick someone up.  It made me happy.  And confident.  And my sister was very impressed that I did all that without GPS.  So go me.

The next morning, my sister and Jen left super early to get ready for the wedding, so Stevie (another friend of my sister's who came with us) and I were in charge of Austin.  We had breakfast at the hotel (Austin prayed over the meal and thanked Jesus that Stevie and I were there to take him to breakfast, it was very sweet).  Then we all got ready for the wedding, which involved multiple texts from my sister to make sure I was actually getting Austin ready.  The three of us and Jen's boyfriend had to take a cab out to the Airforce base where the wedding was, which was interesting.  The driver told us a bunch of the history of the base, which was cool, but it was a long drive that cost $55, which was less fun.

The chapel on the base, where the ceremony was, is a really beautiful place.  I had Austin write I love you and his name in the guest book, it was cute.  The ceremony was really pretty, very traditional and elegant; I really liked the chaplain who officiated.  My sister (and all the bridesmaids, a lot of whom I know through her and Shannon) looked amazing, and Shannon was just a stunning bride.  I definitely cried during the ceremony, not just because it was a wedding, but because I was watching someone I've known since she was a little kid get married.  Weird, but in a good way.  I'm very, very happy for Shannon and her husband.  They definitely seem like a good fit.

After the ceremony the 4 of us who took the cab together got a ride back to our hotel with one of my sister's friends, Lindsey.  I'd never met her before that day (at least not that I remembered, but she said we were introduced once a long time ago at my sister's in Kingman), but she was very nice, and I was glad for the ride because I definitely didn't want to either wait for my sister to be finished with pictures or shell out another $55 for a cab ride!  My sister did pick us up for the reception, though.

The reception was fun, we sat with some nice people who are friends of Shannon's husband.  The food was good (Austin said to my sister, "This is what you should make at home, Mom!").  My sister gave a very nice MoH speech that made me cry.  And then at some point the whole thing turned into a rave, and I just . . . well, it's just not my kind of thing.  I don't like loud music or strobe lights or drunk people, so I was a little out of my comfort zone.  I did dance, a little, when forced to by the bride haha, but that was about it.  In retrospect, I wish I'd been a little more confident and had more fun, but I am who I am so oh well.  We finally left, which, for me, involved playing DD (joy).  I was in such a shitty mood by then I almost felt bad but whatever, it had been a long night, my shoes hurt, and again, I don't like hauling around drunk people.  It was an amazing feeling to finally get back to our hotel (which took awhile because I didn't have directions and everyone I was with was too drunk to help me) and go to bed.  My sister went to the after party, and I vaguely remember her stumbling in at like 2 AM, but aside from that, I was freaking out.

The next morning I took Austin swimming for a little while, then I took a walk around the neighborhood where our hotel was.  It's the downtown area, so it's a really old, really residential area, and I wanted to see it.  I looked at some pretty houses and met a cat who lived at one of them, he came over the fence and let me pet him.  Later we actually went over to Shannon's house to visit her and say goodbye.  She has a pet hedgehog that I got to hold, so that was exciting.  (I want a hedgehog SO bad, but you have to have a wildlife license to own one in AZ).  We had a nice visit, then had dinner at Applebees and went back to our hotel to pack and get ready to leave the next day.

Monday we got up early so we could go to the Garden of the Gods before we left for Denver, which was definitely worth it.  It was beautiful, and it was something I was hoping to see while we were there.  I took a bunch of pictures that I don't really feel like posting, but it was just lovely.  We stopped for coffee at Starbucks and then got on the road back to Denver.  We made really good time, got to the airport and returned the rental car, got to the terminal and made it through security a full two hours before our flight was scheduled to take off.  So we had a nice sit down lunch and felt pretty dang proud of ourselves.  After lunch we went souvenir shopping in the airport shops, then went to our gate to wait for our flight.  This was the point where everything started to go downhill.

About 20 minutes after we were supposed to start boarding, just as we were starting to wonder why we weren't on the plane yet, they announced that the flight was delayed by 2 hours.  Apparently, the plane was flying Seattle to Denver, and was held up because of bad weather in Seattle.  So we killed 2 hours doing basically nothing, and finally got on the plane.  (Side note: the guy I was sitting next to told Jen and I about how once, years ago, his flight out of Dallas got grounded after he was already on the plane, and he sat in the plane on the runway for 6 hours . . . so I guess our little delay wasn't all that bad).  By the time we boarded it was looking pretty stormy out in Denver, and the take off was rough.  The first half of the flight was pretty rough too, with lots of patches of turbulence, which was a little nerve wracking.  Plus the cabin lights wouldn't stay off or on for awhile, they just flickered, which made for a pretty spooky/ominous atmosphere.  The landing in Vegas was rough too, so the whole flight home experience was not great.  And stepping out into the Vegas heat (it was 103 degrees out when we landed) after spending 4 days in 70 degree weather was just . . . blech.

We drove back to Kingman, where things continued to go wrong: within 20 minutes of being back at my sister's, we had to take one of her dogs to an emergency vet.  Long story that involved me having to find an ATM, but the dog thankfully is fine, she just had a concussion.  By this time it was almost 9:30 PM, and I finally made it to my mom's and picked up my dogs (who were just delighted to see me).  I had planned to visit my dad, but by then I figured he was asleep so I was just going to go home, but my mom mentioned he had been waiting up for me, so I ended up going to his house and was there for probably about 45 minutes.  It was nice to see him, and we had a nice visit.  He just got back from a trip to visit his family in Ohio, so we got to talk about that and I told him about the Denver trip.

I stopped and got gas and finally, at around 10:30, got on the road home.  I got on the 40 East at Andy Devine (like always), and went maybe half a mile, and then traffic was completely stopped.  Like, completely stopped.  I was literally parked on the effing highway.  I texted Jerbs (she was home in Flag by then) and asked her to look online and see what was up.  Apparently, a couple miles up the road from where I was, there had been a vehicle on fire, so crews were working on that.  Traffic started moving again (VERY slowly) around 11:20, but one lane was still closed so between the merging and the huge amount of back up (mostly semis), it was about another 20 minutes before I was actually driving at highway speed.  I finally got home around 1:30 AM, and I don't think I've ever been so grateful to see Flagstaff or my crappy little apartment.  I walked in, set up the dogs' bed, gave Jerbs a hug, and just fell into bed.  It was glorious.  I woke up this afternoon and ordered a pizza and felt very very grateful that I thought to take today off, because no way could I have functioned at work today.

Overall, it was a good trip, and I'm glad I went and I appreciate my sister booking the flight and hotel and everything.  I do have to say that, as much as I love my sister, she and I are just drastically different people, and 4 straight days together with very little time apart really brings that out.  I don't necessarily think that she and I make good traveling buddies.  As for flying, I didn't mind it, and I'm glad that now I at least know how to fly, like I know how to get around an airport and all that, which I'm sure is a useful skill to have.  But I have to say it wasn't my favorite, I think because so much of it is hurry up and wait, y'know?  Like waiting in line at security, then waiting in line at the gate, then waiting in line for the rental car . . . just too much down time.  It makes me feel like I'm wasting time, somehow, so I think I'll stick to road trips when I'm able to.  But that's just me.

I will say that seeing my sister and Jen as bridesmaids made me even more excited to be in Theresa's wedding this fall!

Climb To Conquer Cancer 2014

Yesterday was the Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I'm proud to say that I was able to make it all the way to the top of the mountain again!

Like last year, it was a great, great experience.  I don't know what it is about the Climb that I love so much, but I do.  I think it's a combination of the beautiful scenery, the pride that comes from being able to do something so physically demanding, and knowing that I did it for a good cause.  This year, my sister came up for it again; she brought Austin, but his dad and grandparents were also doing it, so he walked with them.  Last year, a few of my sister's friends participated, as did some of my co-workers, but this year it was just me and Jenny.  That was kind of strange at first, but then I realized that I couldn't actually remember the last time I spent time with her one on one (either Jerbs, one of Jenny's friends, or Austin is always with us).  So it was actually really nice, and I was glad that we got to kind of catch up and all that.  Jenny and I are just drastically different people, that's undeniable, but I do love her.  Last year she finished ahead of me, this year we were at about the same pace.  Last year I felt like I was going to die the last 3 miles, this year I didn't really feel too bad until about the last mile.  That made me happy, because while I haven't really accomplished any major weight loss or anything in the past year, I definitely feel like I got into better shape.  This year I was better prepared, too.  Last year I took a couple water bottles with me, and when we got to the top all I wanted was cold water, and there wasn't any.  No ice, no cold water, nothing like that at the top.  So this year I froze a water bottle the night before and threw it in my back pack and let it melt during the hike . . . it made the experience much better!  We saw Austin at the top, and he told us he made it 5 miles and then took the bus to the top.  I think that's pretty dang impressive for an almost 6 year old!

Mile signs.  I don't know why there wasn't one for mile 7.  Last year there
was a big half way point sign, but not this year.

The pictures I took from the top.  Can't beat that view!

After the Climb we went to Starbucks and then took naps at my house (which was hilarious, because my sister is absolutely not the napping type, but she crawled into Jerbs' bed and fell asleep), then went to the mall and a few other places around town.  Austin was off camping with his dad, so it was just us.  We had dinner with some of her friends at Granny's (I think the last time I was there was like 9 years ago with my sorority, so it was a little weird).

Today she brought Austin by and I gave him his presents from Comic-Con, and they left a little bit ago.  I miss them already!  

I'm really glad I thought to take tomorrow off, because I don't plan on doing shit today.  

So that's that!  I'm looking forward to the 2015 Climb!

2 Years of Evolution

So I was actually going to write this post back at the end of the May (around the 2 year break up anniversary), but then . . . I just got busy and it got pushed to the back burner and I ended up not getting around to it then.

But the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that today—the first of July—is actually a more appropriate anniversary for this journey I've been on. Because, even though it was on May 25^th that Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married, that relationship didn't truly end—and I didn't truly start to focus on myself and getting better—until I moved back up to Flagstaff. And that happened two years ago today.

Honestly, it's hard to even know where to begin when I talk about this. I've changed so drastically since that day two years ago that I barely know how to put it into words. I've talked about it a lot on here, in bits and pieces, but summing it all up is a challenge.

The day that Ex-Fiance drove me to Flagstaff felt like the worst of my life. To say I was miserable would be a pretty major understatement. I remember the anxiety and numbness coming in waves: my stomach knotting up, palms sweating, heart racing, and then a sudden detachment, a sense of almost nothingness, like I was outside of my body and all around not a part of what was going on. I didn't want to be in Flagstaff; I kept thinking that there was no way I was ever going to get better in the place where my life had completely fallen apart. I kept thinking about my nephew and and saying goodbye to him and how awful that had been, and how bitter I was at being forced out of my hometown and away from my family. At the time I had a crappy job and really didn't know how I was going to survive financially. I knew I needed a full time job, but I also knew that I wasn't mentally well enough to hold down a full time job . . . and I wasn't going to be able to afford treatment without a full time job. (How's that for a vicious cycle?). I didn't have a car and I was dreading having to depend on the bus system. And on top of that I had just gotten dumped; I was with the man I loved, the man I had fully intended to spend the rest of my life with, the man I was supposed to have married just the day before, and I knew that at the end of the day he was going to leave. I remember that he stuck around for a few hours, and that I felt like I was going to throw up when he finally said he needed to get going. He kissed me and told me he loved me before he left; I stood on my porch and watched him drive away and wished that I was dead.

On that day my life just didn't make sense. I looked at it from all the angles I could, and it sucked from every single one. I don't think I'd ever felt more defeated than I did that day. My future—to me, at least—looked bleak. Very, very bleak.

Today, two years later, I am happier than I've ever been. And it was just a normal, busy day; I got up, went to work (at both jobs), and came home to Jerbs and my dogs. That's probably the best part about being mentally healthy—that the normal, uneventful, everyday kind of days are happy ones. When I was sick I hated being alive, hated having to live through every day, but now I'm truly engaged in my life and myself. It's such a good feeling.

I've come so far in two years. I got an amazing full time job, and I've been excelling at it for almost 18 months now. I feel like a lot of my personal growth has come from my job at MHC, for a lot of reasons. The financial stability has been great, and has led to a lot less anxiety about money. I've also been able to start getting my credit on track. Aside from that, I feel like I've become a lot more confident about myself since I started at MHC. I've taken on more responsibility there than I ever imagined I would; some of the things that have been added to my work load are things that, when I first started, I didn't think I could do or would want to do. But now, I'm pretty sure I could do anything that was asked of me at work; I'm very confident in my abilities. And the confidence that's come from everything I do at MHC is what let me to be sure I could handle a second job. And let me tell you that having two jobs makes me feel absolutely amazing.

It's also been a great experience to work with people who don't know me as being sick. My co-workers like me, and just think of me as me. And it's been nice to be looked at like a normal person, to have been able to make friends and just . . . I don't know, show people who I really am. When you think about it, my MHC co-workers are the first group of people who have ever met me without knowing anything about my mental health history. And I'm definitely not saying that I feel like other people in my life have been judgmental; I'm just saying that it's kind of nice to have people in my life who never saw me like that. They make me feel normal.

I've stopped overreacting to things. I feel like in the past, things that were pretty small and insignificant would make me freak out. Like changes in schedules or the store being out of something I needed or whatever. Those little things would just make me go ballistic and ruin my whole day. Now, those things just don't bother me. And even bigger things that happen don't bother me as much. Like the flat tire on my way to work last month. Old me would have lost my shit. I'd probably have cried and screamed and kicked my car. I wouldn't have had the money to pay for a tow or new tire and I'd have made Jerbs wake up and meet me so she could take care of it. I probably would have been so upset that I'd have called in to work because I wouldn't have been able to focus after freaking out. And then I'd have come home and thrown myself a huge pity party and thought about all the reasons my life sucked. But instead, I rolled my eyes, grumbled a little bit (because no one WANTS to get a flat tire on their way to work on a Monday morning), and took care of it. I joked with the tow truck driver, passed the time at the tire shop playing Angry Birds on my phone, and then went to work. And that was just that. It didn't even remotely ruin my day.

I've stopped focusing on other people's lives and letting them effect me. Before I dreaded reading Facebook statuses because every little thing just . . . I don't know, made me get all over analytical about my own life. Any time a friend would get engaged or get married or move or get a job or really succeed in any way, I'd have an anxiety attack about the fact that I wasn't succeeding. I felt like a failure and everyone else's successes just reinforced that over and over again. It got to points where I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else and would get far too wrapped up in other people's lives for my own good. Now when I hear about good things happening to other people on Facebook, I'm just happy for them. I'm doing well enough in my own life, at this point, that I can come back to it easily. And even more than that, I want to come back to it. No matter how well anyone I know is doing, I like my own life better. I used to dread the future but now I'm excited about it. I see so much potential in myself and I know I'm going to accomplish great things.

I've stopped feeling like I need to define myself and become more OK with all of the parts of my personality co-existing. Before I felt like I had to pick who I was and whenever I did anything I wondered about how that fit into this over arching definition of me. For example, I remember once I got to thinking that I hadn't done a sewing project in a while. So I decided I wanted to sew something. And what should have been as easy as picking a pattern, grabbing some fabric, and setting up my machine turned into a massive anxiety attack because I just didn't know if I was the type of person who sewed. Does that make sense? My head made it a far bigger thing than it was, I guess. I just didn't know how to reconcile all the things I enjoyed into one personality. It seems so ridiculous now but it was a very serious issue at the time. And now I really get that I can be all the things I like and it's all just part of who I am. I sew, I write, I read, I hike, I work out . . . and it's all fine. I can do all those things without worrying about what they mean.

In general, my mind just feels more mine than it used to. I feel like I didn't used to have a lot of control over where my thoughts would go and what they would do; it was to the point that I couldn't really read books or watch TV or movies because I never knew how they'd effect my thought process. It sounds crazy but it's true. I was so afraid of the anxiety or depression or mania or whatever might come up that I just avoided anything I hadn't read or seen before. And it's silly but I missed those things, and having them back is a small victory but a victory nonetheless.

One thing that I haven't talked much about on here is that I've found my faith since I started this journey two years ago. I used to be a staunch atheist. And while I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, my views in that area have definitely shifted. I don't know that I'd call myself a Christian, and I haven't read the Bible, and I don't go to church, but I do believe in God. I feel like my faith is something I want to experience on my own terms; I pursue a personal relationship with a higher power and that's that. I will say that I pray a lot, and that I feel very blessed. I see God at work every day in my own life. Like I said, I don't talk about it much, because it's very private.

Right now, I really do love my life. It's not perfect but it's wonderful, and I'm happy. I love where I live, I love what I do, and I love who I am. I am aware, every single day, of how fortunate I am to have gotten where I am from where I was. And I am thankful, every single day, for everything that got me there: for God, for my family, for Jerbs, for my ex, and for my own determination.

It hasn't been an easy journey, but it has been a beautiful one. As much pain and struggle as there's been, I don't think I'd change a thing.

Job # 2

I got a second job.

After that financial unpleasantness I mentioned a couple weeks back, I'd been kind of kicking around the idea of a second job in my head.  But the only thing I could think that would work would be doing something in retail and working, like, one shift a week, on Saturday or Sunday.  But I really don't want to give up a full day of my weekend so . . . yeah.

Then last week Deb, the financial controller at MHC, came into my office and mentioned that she'd gotten an email from the owner of the gym we partner with (the one where I used to have a membership) and that they were looking for someone to do clerical work.  Super easy position, 6--8 hours a week, with a schedule that is completely flexible.  So I went across the street after work and got an application.

I interviewed this past Monday, got offered the job on Tuesday, and I started training today after I got off at MHC.  The work is simple and very doable, and I can literally work whenever I want.  Plus I get a free gym membership!

I'm so excited.  It's going to be nice to have extra money; between this and the overtime I've been putting in at MHC I'm going to be doing pretty well.  And the free gym membership, I'm hoping, will motivate me to get my butt in gear fitness wise.  Besides that, I'm just incredibly proud of myself for being able to do this--it wasn't all that long ago that I couldn't hold down one job, and now I have 2!

I'm Good At Something!

And by something, I mean my job.

I've been at MHC for a year now (as of 1.16.14), and yesterday my boss and I finally got around to doing my annual performance review.  I hate hate hate stuff like that and I was dreading it, but it actually went really well!  My boss had nothing but good things to say AND I got a raise.  So I'm pretty happy with that.

It's still strange to have a job I like, that I'm good at, where I'm appreciated and rewarded for what I do.

But strange in a good way.

Anyway, I am so genuinely happy with what I'm doing now.  I fully intend to stay at MHC until I leave Arizona.

A good review and a raise almost make up for the fact that I am still without a debit card, and for the fact that I have been ridiculously, insanely lonely lately.

But those are things for other entries.

So Far, So Good

I know we're only 8 days in but so far, 2014 is going pretty well for me.

Minus the fact that I had to call in sick on 01.02.14, aka the very first work day of the entire year.  I was not pleased.  Fortunately I have an understanding boss but it sucked.

And also minus the fact that I'm currently without a debit card.  That one's kind of a long story.

But aside from that.

Physical Health: I am actually kind of killing it in this area right now.  I'm doing awesome food wise, and I've been consistently at or under my calorie goal almost every day since the first.  And I've only eaten fast food 3 times so far this year!  I know that 5/8 days without fast food isn't terribly impressive but for me it's pretty big.  And like I said, I know we're only 8 days into the year, but I really feel like I can finally do this.  I haven't found the motivation to go to the gym yet this year, though.  It's not that I don't want to work out, because I do, it's that I just literally don't want to go to the gym.  I just don't want to be there.  I don't know why, because I like my gym.  But I am hoping to start doing weekly yoga next week, so we'll see how that goes.

I did work out tonight, though.  A few nights ago Jerbs showed me how I can plug the laptop into the TV, so tonight I did that and found a cardio video on YouTube and just did that.  I felt like an idiot, because I've never been a huge fan of at home workout videos, but it got my heart rate up and that's what's important, right?  It involved a lot of jumping jacks and my legs are not happy with me . . . blech.  But I'm taking it slow and I feel like, in a month, I'll be able to do the whole video.  Little steps.

Mental Health: Is good!  I'm still working on finding a new doctor, and I actually really need to get on it, it's just difficult.  Plus there really aren't many psychiatrists in town who aren't either at the hospital (and don't see private patients), The Guidance Center (which only sees AHCCCS patients), or my old doctor's office.  I did not realize that until I started googling.  So it's going to be a process.  But I've got plenty of medicine and my mood's fine so I'm really not all that worried.

Work: Is awesome.  I'm almost to my one year anniversary and I've started to feel very confident and competent.  I love it.  I honestly feel like I get a little better everyday.  Things are in the process of getting very shaken up but I think we'll all be fine.  (And yes, that was deliberately vague).

So life is just good right now.  I'm happy, I feel healthy, new episodes of Sherlock finally started airing . . . really I can't complain!

I do have more serious things to write about (just kind of need to sort them out kinda stuff) but that's for later.  For the moment I just wanted to share that things are awesome!

Fitness Update

I haven't weighed myself since October 15th, which is why I didn't post a November weigh in.  I just kind of decided I didn't care.  During that whole incident with my medicine I went completely off the rails diet/exercise wise so I knew that whatever I saw on the scale wasn't going to be pleasant.  I didn't measure myself either.

But after awhile of not caring I'm in the process of trying to get back into the groove of losing weight.  Right now I'm focusing on diet as opposed to exercise, because the food part of stuff is what I have the most trouble with.  And I know that the food part is the most important, so right now my goal is to cut out fast food, limit soda (OMG SO HARD), and eat at a calorie deficit.  I'm on myfitnesspal.com and logging what I eat and drink, and for the past couple days I've done well!  I didn't eat fast food on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I stayed under my calorie goal every day, and the most soda I've had on any day has been 2 cans (which I realize is still quite a bit but for me that's freaking amazing), and I haven't gone over my calorie goal any day.

I won't lie, I feel like shit.  I'm definitely having some caffeine withdrawals; mostly I'm a lot more tired than usual and I have headaches.  And I'm grouchy as well.  I think I'm having fasts food withdrawal too.  I know that I'm eating enough, I just think my body is used to a really big intake of fat and calories and without that it's like WTF are you doing?  It's not really pleasant but it's manageable.  This is one reason I'm giving myself a break from the gym for a bit.  I just don't feel up to exercising but I think that as my body gets used to less fat/calories/sugar/caffeine I'll be able to back to the gym and do well.  I knew that when I finally actually committed to a diet it wasn't going to feel good, because I've spent years and years eating nothing but fatty, high calorie, high sugar junk and that's what my body's acclimated to.  It's kind of depressing.  At the same time, I'm proud of myself and I feel like the pat few days are a great start!  When it comes to weight loss food has ALWAYS been what's held me back, because let's face it, going to the gym and hitting up Taco Bell on your way home just isn't the way to do things!  But now that I've got almost a week under my belt I'm feeling very confident, and I think maybe this will finally be the time I make it happen.

I've heard from two people, both of whom I trust, that the first week is the hardest and that once I get past that I'll be fine . . . here's hoping, right?

At any rate, I'm going to weigh/measure on December 1st, and hopefully the numbers will be encouraging!

That Saturday I Climbed A Mountain

Yesterday was the 2013 Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I am very, very proud to say that I participated and finished the climb successfully!

That basically means that I walked from the base of the San Francisco peaks to the entrance of Snow Bowl--a distance of about 7 miles that is uphill the entire way.

I won't lie, it was hard.  And painful.  And there were definitely a couple times that I seriously considered throwing in the towel and jumping on one of the buses that kept driving by to the top (which you were supposed to do if you had to).  Near the top my calves were numb and I felt like I was going to barf, but I made myself keep going, and I'm glad I did!  Crossing the finish line was a great feeling.

My sister and a couple of her friends were also walking, so I spent a good amount of time with them.  It wasn't until after the first mile post that I saw one of my co-workers, and I ended up walking with her the rest of the way.  It was definitely a bonding experience, and I was happy to get to know her better.  We saw a few other people from work along the way and then again at the very end.  My sister and the friend she walked with finished a few minutes before me and my co-worker, and my sister's other friends finished a little behind us.  All in all it was about a 3 hour hike.  Thankfully they had city buses waiting at the top and we got to ride back down the mountain.  While we were waiting in the bus line it started raining, and it poured the whole ride down.  It felt amazing to finally be able to sit down and rest and enjoy the view.

Driving back down that road was probably one of the coolest parts of the day, not just because it meant I was finished, but because going down all those steep curves and turns and thinking, "I just freaking WALKED up this!" was mind blowing.

Afterwards I took a good long nap (I only slept for 2.5 hours the night before the climb . . . good job, me), and woke up with the worst headache I'd ever had in my life.  And that's not an exaggeration . . . my head was throbbing and pounding and I was SO dizzy.  I barely dragged myself out of bed to go to dinner.  My legs, though, weren't sore at all.

Overall it was a great experience.  There were so many people there working their butts off for a good cause, and everyone was cheering each other on; it was very uplifting.  Plus I feel incredibly good about myself for accomplishing what I did.  I pushed my body physically and I succeeded, and afterwards I felt almost invincible.  It was an awesome feeling!  I feel like going into this next week I'm more motivated than EVER to get my body into shape and where I want it to be.  I'm definitely planning on some running and gym classes this week, provided that my body cooperates--ie, that I don't start feeling the climb in my legs.  (Knock on wood!)  It also just felt awesome to get out of the house on a Saturday and I kind of remember that I do actually enjoy doing outdoors-y stuff, and that I need to do it more.

I'm glad I participated in the climb, and even more glad that I was able to finish it.  I'm definitely planning on doing it next year!  Especially since I have a whole year to train before then!

How I Got My Car

So.  The car.

Basically, a lot of things happened and it ended up working out perfectly.  I was in the right place at the right time and found the right people to work with.

At the beginning of May, I was starting to get really antsy about the car thing.  I am not known for my patience, so I talked to my mom, and she agreed to loan me $250 to put with whatever I had for a down payment.  I checked my credit and my score had actually improved a little since I last checked, so I was hoping that I might be able to find a car for around $5000 and do a 10% down payment.  Well, after spending a lot of time on AutoTrader I realized that everything I liked was closer to $7k.  And I came to the conclusion that this car is something I want to have for at least the next 6 or 7 years so something in better condition was probably the best.  I also came to the conclusion that Las Vegas was going to be a better bet for car shopping purely for logistics; I figured I could hop on a Greyhound to Ktown and then my sister could take me to Vegas.

I started looking in Vegas and found a 2003 Ford Escape at one dealership and a 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe at another.  I also found a 2004 Suzuki Grand Vitara in Kingman that kind of became my plan B.  Both dealerships in Vegas said they'd work with me as far as credit and I decided to just take $500 from one paycheck (since I got paid 3 times in May) and just do it.  So on Friday, the 17th, I took a bus to Kingman.  It all felt kind of insane and rushed to be honest, and I felt like maybe I was just jumping the gun.  But I figured that even if I didn't get a car and had to take the bus home, at the very least I got a visit with my family.  By this  time the 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe in Vegas had been removed from AutoTrader so I had crossed it off my list.

So Saturday I did a credit app for the dealership for the Ford Escape and they called me back within like 20 minutes and the guy was a total d-bag, and basically told me that I'd need at least $1500 down and my payments would still be around $300/month.  I told him thanks but no thanks and he kind of laughed at me . . . it was so insulting.  So that was a big, big let down and I almost just gave up.

But just for the hell of it I did a credit app for the dealership in Kingman.  After about an hour they called me back and left a voicemail; when I returned their call I found out that they'd never gotten my online application and the call was just because of my inquiry into that Suzuki GV.  So I did an app over the phone and the guy said he'd see what he could do.  He called back a while later and asked a few more questions about my income and stuff.  He said he might not have an answer til Monday and I told him I was in town for the weekend, but that I'd be willing to come back the following weekend if I had to.  Then he called back a while after that and said that since the Suzuki had such high mileage (over 170k, which I hadn't known since it wasn't listed on the website) no bank was going to finance it (I didn't know this but apparently in general cars with over 100k won't get financing).  He said he had an '05 Ford Escape that was a couple thousand more than the GV that they could try.  I said I wasn't sure but he said they'd still try to get it into the price range for payments I'd said was OK.  He again said he'd see what he could do and call me back.  By now it was like 3 pm and I wasn't really holding my breath, so I took a nap with Saucy.  My phone rang at around 3:30 but I ignored it cuz I was tired and I was expecting another no.  But they called again at 4, and when I called back at like 4:20, the guy was like, you need to get over here because I have a couple cars I can get you in.

So my sister rushed me over to the dealership and my mom met us there, and the car that was waiting for me to test drive was a 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe identical to the one I'd been looking at in Vegas that had sold.  I test drove it, I loved it, it only has 65k on it, it had just come in as a trade and was in fantastic condition and incredibly clean.  This was all on Saturday and they'd just gotten the car in as a trade the day before, so it had to be detailed and put through their mechanical inspection before I could have it.  Plus I needed to buy insurance as well and since it was like 4:45 at this point and they closed at 5, they offered to deliver it to Flagstaff for me on Monday after I faxed them the stuff they needed.

So I did the down payment, bought insurance on Monday and faxed them the info, and around 4:15 on Monday afternoon (the 20th) they delivered it right to my office!  I have to say that I was and am seriously impressed with Martin Swanty Hyundai in Kingman; they really went above and beyond for me and I'm very, very grateful.

It's nice to have a car, and even more than that, it's amazing that I did this on my own.  I mean, obviously my mom helped financially, but I took the initiative and I got financing; this is the first car I've owned that's been in just my name.  I did this without Jerbs or Corey holding my hand and that truly feels like an accomplishment.  And even after being laughed at by that dealership guy in Vegas I was able to get financing through a big lender (Capital One) and put down what ended up being less than 10%.  Yes, I have a sadly high interest rate but I was pretty much expecting that.  Not gonna lie, 3 years of unemployment or underemployment took a pretty big hit on my credit, and I know that I've generally made some bad decisions in that realm, so I'm willing to sort of do my time for it now, if that makes sense.  And the finance  guy at the dealership said that since Capital One is a big lender they'll report to all 3 credit agencies, so my plan is to make all my payments on time for a year and see how that improves my credit score and then refinance for a lower interest rate.

Here's the car!  His name is Watson.

I absolutely love it.  It's so weird to be driving again, though.  And in a weird way I miss the bus a little bit but the way everything fell into the place with this car, I feel like it was how things were supposed to go.

Three Hundred and Sixty Five

I'm really not sure what to say about the one year anniversary but I feel like I need to say something.

It was a quiet, uneventful day.  My co-worker brought her kids over to visit Max (they're the ones I adopted him from) and they and Max had so much fun.  We took Max on a long walk together and when they left, he tried to leave with them; afterward he just sat at the front door and cried.  I took him to PetSmart and ran a few errands, then spent my evening watching LOST on Netflix and cleaning/organizing things around here.

So all in all, not a whole lot to talk about.  I expected it to feel . . . I don't know, more significant, but I didn't actually think about it much.  I mean, in the back of my mind, I was aware, all day, of the one year thing but overall, it wasn't too big a deal.  I thought about calling him more than once but every time I dialed his number I hung up before I even pressed talk.

It's hard to believe it's been a year.  Past that, I don't know what to say, really.  On the one hand this feels like a deadline: if it's been a whole year then it's definitely time to give up and stop hoping and just move on with my life regardless of how strongly I feel I'm not quite ready to do that.  On the other hand this has somehow made me feel more hopeful, in the sense of maybe now it's been long enough.  Maybe now enough time has passed that we can sit down and talk things out and go from there.

Sometimes I look at the past year and I feel like a failure.  I feel like there's so much more I could have accomplished if I'd worked a little bit harder or devoted myself a little bit more.  This is really pretty limited to my weight and physical health--sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself, Do you know how much you could have accomplished in a year if you'd just eaten better and worked out more?  And yeah, it disappoints me.

At the same time, though, I know that I have accomplished tons in the past year.  Reading blog entries and FB statuses from this time last year is proof that I'm really a completely different person now than I was then.

First and foremost, my mental health has improved by leaps and bounds.  I'm healthier now than I ever have been as an adult.  I feel like I'm in control of my own mind, I'm not as angry or as bitter, my sense of self gets stronger every day.  And even more than that I'v been able to commit to my treatment.  I take my medicine every day, I go to my doctor's appointments, I get my lab work done when I'm supposed to.  All great things that I definitely wasn't doing as much or as well before.  I don't have anxiety attacks anymore and I can sleep without sleeping pills.  I feel capable.  I do still have bad days but now when I do, they're normal bad days in the sense that whatever made them bad is a legitimate thing to be upset about.  Does that make sense?  Mostly I don't blow things out of proportion anymore, and one little aggravation doesn't ruin my day.

I'm also just . . . I don't know.  At this time last year I was mentally a mess, I didn't own a car, and I was making $8 an hour working in retail.  Now, I'm mentally healthy, was just able to buy a car on my own, and I'm making almost double what I used to be plus working actual full time hours.  It amazes me, because a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to have a full time job given my mental state.

So really, the best thing to say is that I've done well.  I've done as well as I could despite the fact that I got my heart broken and that I'm still heart broken right this very second.

At the end of the day, I still miss Ex-Fiance.  And I still love him.  And I would still really, really like the opportunity for a second chance.

I want him to know me like this.  I want him to see who I really am.  That girl that made him miserable . . . that wasn't me.  That's *not* me.  And I know that I'm at a point where I could be in a relationship and do it successfully, and I want it to be with him.  I still feel, very strongly, that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with him.

So that's that.  Either way--with Ex-Fiance or without Ex-Fiance--I feel like I have a bright future and I'm glad to be alive and healthy.

I remember, just after the break up happened, I was in the back room at the Kingman Hastings with one of my co-workers.  We were talking, and I said something about how scared I was that things might not work out with Ex-Fiance in the end.  And my co-worker said, "So if that happens, then worst case scenario is you survive and come out of this knowing you can handle anything."  I honestly think it was the most useful thing anyone said to me at that point and I've carried it with me and repeated it to myself and now it feels more true than ever.

I'm looking forward to summer.  To my life.  To all the things I have yet to accomplish.

Big News!

So I haven't been updating much lately, mostly because I just haven't really felt like it.  And there's a lot to update about, really, but for now, I thought I'd just share one big piece of news:

I BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!!

It's kind of a long story how it all came about but it really worked out perfectly, and I'm happy.  I'm anxious as hell about the whole thing but that's just me being me.

I bought it in Kingman on Saturday and it was delivered to my work today.

More later.  I'm expecting that tomorrow night I will be posting a long rant about how unfair the DWTS finale was but we'll see.

A Reminder

Today I woke up at 6:30 AM, showered/blow dried/moisturized/got dressed/etc, and left the apartment at 7:10(ish).

I went to work.  During my lunch hour I went to the gym and did a half an hour of cardio (elliptical today).  I went back to work and finished out my day there.  Then I went back to the gym and took an hour long yoga class, then did another half hour on the elliptical.

Then I spent an hour on the bus to come home (super lame, I know), and got home at about 8:35 PM.  Which basically means that I had a 13 hour day.

And y'know what?  I freaking loved it.  It was a great day, both work wise and fitness wise and just mental health wise.

During the bus ride home I got to thinking (because what else is there to do on that long a bus ride?) and it occurred to me that 3 years ago--or even a year and a half ago--the mere thought of a day like today would have paralyzed me with anxiety and fear and dread.  I probably would have found a way to get out of it and shut myself in the house all day, or would have suffered through it and completely broken down.

But not today.  Today I was freaking awesome, and I am so damn proud of that.

It was a great reminder of how far I've come and how much better I've gotten.

I love it.  And I'm happy.  And I'm going to do this every Tuesday for at least the next few weeks, and I absolutely don't doubt that I can.

Work, Money, Snow, & Vietnamese Food

It's been more than a week since I updated!!  That's a little ridiculous considering I've posted multiple times a day for weeks at a time . . .

I just don't feel like I have too much to talk about right now.  My life is all boring and grown up and I don't want to come here just to whine about my love life and all that crap or spew my opinions about politics and other stuff like that.  Sigh.

Anyhow.  Work is still going well.  This past week my boss told me several times that I was picking things up really well.  She gave me a stack of things to work on one day (mostly claims that needed to be researched, plus some medical records stuff), and a couple days later I let her know what I'd done with each one of them.  She said I'd done everything perfectly.  This coming Monday there's a billing dept. meeting in which we'll discuss the sort of rearrangement of the dept., which basically means that I'm going to get my official responsibilities.  Right now each of the girls in the dept. (4 of them including our boss) have several insurance companies that they deal with, and on Monday, those will be redistributed, so I'll have my own insurance companies that'll be mine.  I'm excited about that.

I'm so incredibly happy with my job.  I really am.  Today at the mall a lady at the Avon kiosk who was giving me a sample asked what I did, and when I said I was a medical  biller she made a noise like she was impressed.  Pretty much made my day!  It feels so good to have an answer to that what do you do? question.  Telling people you're unemployed is not pleasant.

I got paid yesterday--my first full paycheck from MHC.  Glorious.

It's been snowing like crazy today.  There's probably about 6 inches on the ground and I think we're supposed to get even more so . . . yeah.  That's fun.  I fell twice today, once climbing up a hill and once going down one (both while attempting to get to bus stops . . . excellent).  It wasn't too bad being out today during the afternoon but once it got dark . . . wow.  So cold.  I'm not looking forward to Monday morning!

I treated Jerbs to Vietnamese food tonight, at a restaurant called Pho CRQ.  Jerbs looooooves pho (which is like a kind of Vietanmese soup, I guess you could call it).  I just got noodles with vegetables, and it was actually pretty good.  I'm not very adventurous food wise, and I'm the pickiest eater you could imagine, so I was fairly certain I wouldn't like it.  But I did!  Hello, adulthood!

The best part about today was trying on jeans at the mall and discovering that I've gone down a pants size!  I really wanted new jeans and they didn't have my size.  So just for the hell of it I tried on the size below it and they fit perfectly.  I seriously teared up in the dressing room.  I'm still a long way from my weight loss goal but that was an amazing confidence boost and just makes me want to work even harder!

From Email to EMPLOYED

That's right!!  As of today, I officially have a JOB!!!!!

I'm going to post the whole story, because I'm just that freakin' excited.

Back at the beginning of December (or at least that's about what I figure based on email) I sent my resume in response to a Craigslist ad for a medical billing position at a cardiology clinic.  I figured that with my front desk experience I at least had a decent shot at it.  But I never heard anything, and at the time I was applying for job after job after job, so I pretty much forgot about it.

So fast forward to December 19th.  It was late at night, and I randomly decided to check my "professional" email (aka my email address that actually has my name in it, which I use on my resume and for more professional than personal stuff).  I check that email very, very rarely, since all that usually comes to that email are mailing lists and newsletters.  Well, that night, I had an email from a woman (the practice manager) that was in response to my resume for the billing position, thanking me for my interest in the job and asking me when I could come in for an interview.  I was thrilled, and I emailed her back right that second.  By the next afternoon she'd emailed me back, and the following day (Friday, Dec. 21st) I went in to interview with her.

It went incredibly well.  She mostly told me about the practice and the doctors, went over hours and benefits, asked me about my experience in medical office, and all that.  I felt completely at ease with her, and at the end of the interview she told me she wanted me to meet the business manager for a second interview.  The problem was that it was a Friday, and on Friday the billers and the managers only work until noon, and at the end of my interview it was already 11:30.  The business manager was on vacation the next week, which meant that after the 21st, she wouldn't be in the office until the 31st.  And naturally, the clinic would be closed on the 1st of the year--which meant I'd have to wait until the 2nd or 3rd of January for my interview.  That was a little crappy, but oh well--I was just happy to have had an interview and to have been asked back for a second one.

I left felling really, really good about the whole thing.  I thought the interview had gone as well as it could have, I thought I'd come across really well, I thought the practice manager and I clicked well, and I just had a good feeling about this one.  I felt like . . . yep, this one's mine.  I was feeling superstitious so the only people who knew about the interviews were my family, Jerbs, and Theresa.  (My mom said she had a good feeling about it too, which gave me a confidence boost).  I literally didn't say a word to anybody else, and in the time between interviews, I prayed, crossed my fingers, and wished on every star, eye lash, and 11:11 I possibly could.

I waited as patiently as I could until the 31st, and called their business manager to set up my interview.  She asked me to come on the 2nd (a Wednesday).  I got to the clinic on the 2nd and the practice manager, who did my first interview, took me back to the conference room to introduce me to the business manager.  To my surprise, the business manager had brought the three other members of the billing department to sit in and ask questions as well--which at first totally unnerved me.  As the practice manager left, though, she patted me on the shoulder and wished me luck, which was just really sweet.

Well, the second interview went fantastic.  All 4 women asked me questions, and they seemed to love a lot of my answers.  And it was pretty clear right away that my personality would mesh really, really well with all of them.  It was seriously the best interview I've ever been on.  It was a great blend of serious questions and telling them why they wanted me on their team, to just sharing stories about working in medical offices and laughing.  It was awesome.  Again, I left with a really, really good feeling.  I was just really sure that I could work well with the people I'd met, and that I'd fit in well with their staff.

The business manager said she wanted to decide by the end of the week, and by Friday I hadn't heard anything.  I was so disappointed, but I still had a good feeling about it.  I didn't hear anything on Monday either, so I checked my email again, just in case.  Well, I had an email from the business manager.  It was basically a link to this website and I had to take these 4 little assessment things--they were just like those personality things that are on every application, so I did those, and the following morning, I left a voice mail for the business manager letting her know those were done.

I heard nothing during the rest of Tuesday, and nothing on Wednesday.  I was starting to panic a little and then, this morning, at around 11 AM, I finally got the call.  The business manager apologized for not calling sooner and said she'd been sick and mostly voiceless, told me the results of my little assessments indicated that I'd be a good fit for them, and offered me the position!  (And told me how much it paid, which made me even happier).  I just keep thinking of all the interviews I had up till now, all the disappointment in not being offered those jobs--but it was for good reason, because I ended up right where I was supposed to, I think.

So I went in this afternoon and picked up an official application and signed off on allowing them to do a background check, and as soon as that comes back clean or whatever, I get to start work.

I am beyond thrilled.  I can't even describe the relief I felt when she told me I got the job.  Relief and gratitude.  My hands were shaking when I hung up the phone and I actually started crying.  I am so, so grateful for this opportunity.  For so many reasons.  I'm so happy that I can stop being a burden to Jerbs, that I can start to take care of myself, that I can just not be constantly panicking about money, that I'll have something that makes me feel not useless.

Honestly, I owe a lot of it to the clinic.  One of my jobs as a receptionist was posting charges and payments to patient accounts--which at most medical offices is something the billing dept., not the front desk, does.  It was aggravating at times, but knowing at least a little of the billing side of things definitely worked in my favor.  Plus working at the clinic taught me what questions to ask, if that makes sense: I asked at my first interview about the services the clinic did and their scope of care, what insurances they were contracted with, what medical software they used for front desk and billing, how much of their records were EMR, etc. I think asking things like that made me look interested, serious, and knowledgeable.

I think this is going to be a great thing for me.  I already really like the people I'll be working most closely with.  And I love the clinic itself.  It's a cardiology clinic that opened less than four years ago (I remember when they opened, because I was at the clinic at the time, and they gave us a ton of their info. pamphlets) and in four years they have grown tremendously.  They started out with four doctors and two administrators and now have a staff of 54 . . . I guess 55, counting me!  They have a big scope of care, because they have not only cardiologists, but a psychologist, a nutritionist, an electrophysiologist (who comes up from PHX once a week), and a full sleep clinic.  They co-own a fitness center (which is right across the street from them, so yes, I'll definitely be joining when I can).  They do satellite clinics in Winslow, Page, and Sedona.  It's an incredibly successful practice, and I'm excited to be working for them.  I've never been so excited about a business I'm working for.  I love how many services they offer in the name of heart health--who would have ever thought that psychology and sleep studies were necessary in cardiology?  It's innovative, and I like that a lot.

Plus, I'm glad I'll get to learn medical billing, because that's a skill that'll come in handy.  I'm really looking at this as a career move, not a job.  Because as much as I want to use my degree someday, I would probably be OK doing something like medical billing as my career, because I have plenty of ways to indulge my lit. nerdiness elsewhere.  There's a lot of potential in medical billing, and I really believe that it'll make getting a job wherever I move to a lot easier.

And that's that.  I'm so happy, and this is the best way to really start the year that I could imagine.  My friend Bridget once said (in a comment on this blog about another job interview, actually) that it was about time for me to hit my "up and over" phase.  I think that's a perfect way to describe it.

So up and over I go.

2012 in Review

Three hours left until the new year, and I kind of can't believe it.  Normally I don't like new year, because it's and ending, and that's always made me sad.  But this year, I find myself looking forward to the new year more than I ever have, and even though today is an ending, it's also a beginning.

I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected.  I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be.  I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years.  At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband.  I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.

My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman.  From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff.  Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.

The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship.  As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was.  I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake.  But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year.  And I know that he really loved me too.

Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers.  I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again.  It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still.  And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense.  Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!

I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do.  Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.

Then came the big move back to Flagstaff.  I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own.  I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.

But it didn't.  I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger.  I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that.  I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do.  The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term.  I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me.  I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.

I've learned to survive without a car.  To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all.  To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me.  To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself.  To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something.  To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.

I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better.  A lot better.  I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective.  I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.

Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to.  I think that where I am now is where I need to be.  Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve?  A little.  Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss?  Absolutely.  But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.

As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations.  I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement.  I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on.  I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it.  But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.

As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be.  But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate.  I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time.  This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me.  I am just looking forward to living my life.  I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great.  I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.

So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.

A Snowy Day

It snowed through last night so we woke up to solid white.  I had to leave the house at one point and there were spots where the snow was up to my knees.  (Granted I have like a 26 inch inseam so up to my knees isn't a huge deal).  Even with all the snow, the roads were clear--just a little icy.

Our porch this afternoon, the ground near our apartment, and the two big pine trees in front of our porch.
Living on the third floor=living at tree top level!

Aside from my outing to Safeway, we all stayed inside and kept warm today.  Both cats were snuggly, and Benji stayed on his heating pad.

And I got some work done on a few embroidery projects I'm working on.

Each of these is part of a Christmas ornament for someone . . . or someone's pet.
I'm not going to say what's for who, since I don't really know who all reads this!

Since I'm not going to have enough money for actual gifts this year, I figured I'd do homemade gifts for everyone.  I'll definitely post pics of the finished projects.  I love embroidering so much, and I'm really enjoying doing it.  I like the way everything's turning out so far (I'm especially proud of the snowman!).

Anyway, that was our snow day.  It's so pretty out right now.  I'm determined to make a snow angel tomorrow.  And a snowman, if I can convince Jerbs to help me.  (She's not as big a fan of snow as I am).

Looking Back

Recently, mostly out of boredom, I've gone through my Twitter account, reading tweets from the past two years--basically since I met Corey.  That inspired me to do the same thing on Facebook, and what started out as just something to do because I was bored ended up being pretty eye opening.

First of all, I remember how detached and disengaged I felt when I wrote a good chunk of those statuses, and it's an odd thing to remember.  I remember a lot of the statuses but I also remember only being half there when I wrote them.  It's strange, because that sense of detachment is something that has gotten a lot better in the past . . . oh, 5 monthsish.  And remembering it was almost terrifying, because in a way, I can't believe I ever lived like that.  I can't believe that was ever just my normal.  Now . . . well, I feel so much better in that regard, and it's kind of nice to see proof of improvement.  As far as the detachment goes, I wonder about how the whole break up thing might have helped with that, and in a way, I think I needed a big, traumatic event to pull me back into my life, if that makes sense.  (Although why a big happy event like finding the man of my dreams didn't do that I'll never understand . . . but too late to worry about that now).

Second of all, I was so negative.  Every other tweet or FB status that I posted was about being angry or sad or sick . . . I found very few positive things over the years.  And that's really just kind of depressing.  I mean, I knew I wasn't a happy person because I was sick, but I don't think I ever realized just how negative I was. I feel like I've definitely improved in that area as well, and if you look at my tweets or statuses since the break up, there's a lot more positivity.  I still have some bad days and it's not all sunshine but I feel like the bad things now are just normal things to be upset about.  Like posting that I'm ticked about not getting the job, or being frustrated over things at work--normal.  It's not like it used to be where every little thing that happened to me was negative or pissed me off or whatever.

Third of all--and most significantly, I think--I see the dichotomies in my personality; I see the kind of ups and downs and bipolar-ness of it.  Like there'll be statuses about how much I disliked Corey and how I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him, but then within a day there'll be something about how much I love Corey and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  It's . . . weird.  And it kind of makes me go, no wonder there was such tension between us.  No wonder I was so uneasy in the relationship--I couldn't figure things out.

I wonder why I was so up and down with Corey.  I think, it's just because I was sick.  And then I think, could it really be that simple?  Is it really just that easily explained?

I think it is.  I think it was all the mental illness.  I know that for Corey, it got to a point where he decided that we just weren't compatible, and that was what led to the end of our relationship.  But I honestly believe that if I were completely mentally healthy and he and I tried again, we would succeed.  And this sort of past reading has made me certain that I never would have gotten better while I was with Corey, no matter how much I wanted to.

What I can say is this: I have definitely changed for the better since our break up.  Which is not to say that I don't want to get back together with Corey or anything, because I definitely do.  I am just so much healthier mentally than I was at that point in time.  I read those old tweets and FB statuses and I know that they're mine, I know that those words came from me, but I feel like I'm a different person now than I was then.

I like me a lot better now.

Accomplished

Today I feel accomplished.

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The apartment is clean.

I finished a short story. (!!!)

I did 25 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes on the bike.

I've made a tentative decision about going back to school.

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So go me!