I now know for sure that my full body soreness is just from my POS air bed. For the past few weeks Jerbs has been offering to let me have her bed for a night and I keep declining because . . . I don't really know. This morning I woke up as she was leaving, and I felt like crap. I was so sore, and I'd slept maybe 2 hours the whole night, so I figured, what the hell. I threw her blankets and pillows on my bed and moved mine over to hers, and I crashed. I crashed hard. I fell asleep basically as soon as I layed down and I didn't fully wake up until my alarm went off. When I got up my hips didn't hurt and my back didn't hurt . . . glorious.
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Remember how I was talking about feeling like a failure and now knowing how to get out of that feeling? Well, the thing is, I know what I need to do to fix it. I know what I need to do to fix myself. I have a whole list of self improvement goals right here on this blog. And at one point I was really determined to do all of those things. But I get to points where I feel so behind that there's really no point in trying to improve. What's the point of becoming the best version of myself now when I've already wasted so much of my life? I'm 27 years old and have really done nothing with my life, and honestly, the thought of trying now and being determined now just seems pathetic and stupid. I don't know how to shake that feeling of pointlessness in getting better. Hopefully this has something to do with my low Li levels.
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I got my Lithium today. Which is good.
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Tomorrow is the deadline to a short short story contest I'd been hoping to enter and unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish a writing project for it. I'm disappointed because I had a few good ideas in mind and this contest had a big prize but . . . oh well, I suppose.
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After I wrote out that entry about giving up as far as Ex-Fiance is concerned I got to thinking about the whole setting a deadline thing and I started to wonder if I was right. I know that I screwed up in our relationship too and I don't think his needing time/space is surprising or unreasonable. And maybe it's unfair of me to say, be better by this date or it's not happening at all. One of my goals was to let him get better while I did . . . and who am I to dictate how long that'll take?** At the same time, I'd feel totally differently if I'd had any indication of how he was doing during this time apart. As it is I stand by what I said. New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then the new year will be my new start. Then again, who knows? Maybe I'm not even going to give it til then.
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I think what I'm struggling with most is just that something that meant so much and was such a big part of my life could be . . . just nothing. Y'know? Like . . . I can't even really put into words how strongly I felt about him. And how much I really did believe that I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And I know Ex-Fiance felt that way too and it just kind of blows my mind that it went from that to nothing. And that eventually, he'll marry someone else and that'll be his real future, and that I'll end up . . . well, somewhere else at least. It kills me and it makes me wonder how we ever get over anything at all and what the point of love ever really is. I know that sounds jaded and more like a Taylor Swift song than something anybody actually thinks but . . . I kinda do. More than anything I realize now that I never, ever, ever want to put myself in a position where I can get hurt like this again. Ever. Which means that as much as I love the idea of soul mates and romance and true love, I'll probably spend the rest of my life single. And if I avoid this ever happening again it'll be worth it. Besides, I can't just turn strong feelings like that on and off and fall in and out of love; it's all too much for me, I think, so the dating scene really will never be my thing.
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**I know it always comes across like Ex-Fiance has all the power in this situation--like whatever happens between us is going to be at his say. And in a way right now that's true. But only because I feel like my cards have been on the table since the very beginning. I've made it clear since the break up happened that I want to get back together, whereas he's been the one who was unsure. (Well, not unsure, but you know what I mean).
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In a way I've started to feel like it never happened. And that's really disconcerting. In the time since I've been in Flag I've (obviously) thought a lot about Ex-Fiance, and usually the thoughts give me . . . well, feelings, I guess. Like remembering happy things either makes me happy or sad, flashing back to the breakup itself pisses me off, imagining him moving on with someone new makes me anxious. And now . . . now it feels like just nothing. Like when I think of him, whether it's about good or bad, I have no strong feelings either way. Just indifference. And granted I've been feeling pretty indifferent towards my whole life right now, so maybe that'll all dissipate once I'm re-medicated. But it's what I'm dealing with at the moment.
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
11.14.2012
I Finally Realized
This past Saturday, I was thinking about Ex-Fiance. And I had this moment where I was overwhelmed with hope. I suddenly had this strong feeling that things would happen soon. That we were going to start talking, that the conversation was going to happen, and that it wouldn't be much longer before it did. And that feeling made me happy.
Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.
It didn't bother me as much as you'd think. It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.
I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen. It can't. For a few reasons.
I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back. Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching. Whatever potential it might have had is gone now. There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.
I really did, and do, love him. For so many reasons. And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss. Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.
But he broke my heart. I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot. But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.
Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching? That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class? And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems? And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that. And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that. But holy hell I tried and tried and tried. And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled. I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.
He broke up with me on the last day of school. I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.
I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons. And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed. I've struggled. Life isn't particularly happy for me. I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.
I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here. And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life. Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman. I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager. I loved sharing that with him. I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie). I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.
And Ex-Fiance kept that life. While I'm up here struggling, he's happy. He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year. He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing). He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring. He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him. I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives. Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180. I truly hate that.
Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance. It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25). Plus I spent holidays with him. That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds. Especially Christmas. I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with. And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up. On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me. On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted. And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same. It makes me so sad. I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.
I have tried to be his friend. I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. But how fair is that? Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?
All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking. If only I knew how he really felt about me. But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need? Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels? I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.
Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things. Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future. What's done is done. I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.
I'm giving it until New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo. I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time. Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.
I'll be honest: if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me. Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).
Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.
It didn't bother me as much as you'd think. It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.
I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen. It can't. For a few reasons.
I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back. Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching. Whatever potential it might have had is gone now. There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.
I really did, and do, love him. For so many reasons. And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss. Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.
But he broke my heart. I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot. But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.
Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching? That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class? And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems? And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that. And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that. But holy hell I tried and tried and tried. And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled. I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.
He broke up with me on the last day of school. I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.
I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons. And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed. I've struggled. Life isn't particularly happy for me. I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.
I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here. And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life. Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman. I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager. I loved sharing that with him. I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie). I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.
And Ex-Fiance kept that life. While I'm up here struggling, he's happy. He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year. He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing). He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring. He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him. I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives. Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180. I truly hate that.
Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance. It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25). Plus I spent holidays with him. That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds. Especially Christmas. I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with. And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up. On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me. On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted. And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same. It makes me so sad. I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.
I have tried to be his friend. I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. But how fair is that? Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?
All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking. If only I knew how he really felt about me. But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need? Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels? I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.
Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things. Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future. What's done is done. I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.
I'm giving it until New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo. I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time. Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.
I'll be honest: if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me. Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).
11.10.2012
Unemployed
I'm officially unemployed.
I have been for a few days now, but I've hesitated to admit it.
I quit Hastings. I quit without notice, and I'm not proud of that, but I'm also not ashamed of it. After the way I was treated in the time I worked at this store, I don't really think they deserved much from me.
First of all, I've averaged 10 hours a week since I got here, which is nothing, especially at $8/hour. I've heard employees talking shit about other employees more times than I can count. I've heard our store manager bad mouth other employees. It's beyond unprofessional. Another associate's husband has literally stood at my register and just stared at me, which is incredibly creepy. I had a manager throw his keys at me because he was pissed at me for something I honestly didn't do. That same manager has a long history of anger issues and apparently once before punched a hole through the office wall. My boss witnessed the key throwing, and ultimately, I was told to watch myself around this other employee. Sorry, but that is complete bull freaking shit. That guy should have been fired, and quite frankly, he's lucky I didn't call the cops on his ass. And no one there liked me. Maybe a few people, but the thing is, this store has no well trained employees. They're all shit. Not one of them would last a week at a decent store. So when I do things right, they get pissed. It's ridiculous. And I swear up and down that that's true, I'm not just trying to make myself look better. The fact is that I was trained correctly, I do things correctly, and this store couldn't stand it. (Always been the case with this store, BTW).
The last straw came last week. I mentioned on here that I was scheduled to work last Sunday, the 4th. I am not available on Sundays. I haven't been since I started back at the Kingman Hastings last September. Initially I did it that way because I wanted Corey and I to have one day completely off together. Since he worked Monday thru Friday, and I knew I'd be working Saturdays, Sundays was basically the only option. When I moved, I left it the same, so that I knew I'd have a day for my own stuff.
Well, suddenly I had a 7 AM to 4 PM shift on a Sunday. I left my boss a note saying I wasn't available on Sundays. When he finally got back to me about it at work, he basically told me that I'd been specially requested for a project, and that he had just really hoped/assumed I could work it. There are SO MANY THINGS wrong with that! Let me say that if I'd been asked in advance, say the week before, if I could work a Sunday for a big project, even though it's outside of availability, I probably would have been willing to help out. But that courtesy wasn't given to me. Instead, the assumption was made that what I said my availability was is a lie. To me, that is a huge amount of disrespect. If you can't at least respect my availability, then what CAN you respect? That's like the most basic level of respect, in my opinion. And it was made very clear to me by my boss that he was incredibly disappointed in me, and he hinted that it might be grounds for a write up and termination. I was kind of in shock about that, but I stood my ground: respect me or I don't do shit for you.
On the same day that this conversation happened, I got bitched out by the LS manager for how much stocking I'd gotten done. I'm normally a pretty quick stocker. But on this particular day, the guy working in video was brand spanking new, on maybe his 5th shift altogether. So every fifteen minutes he either asked me help, or I overheard him giving a customer incorrect information. I probably saved at least $200 in sales by correcting him. So here's another issue: people get hired and thrown into departments without any training. Then the experienced people working on the floor have to train them as we go, and yes, it takes away from the time we have to do our own jobs. And the LS manager was like, well, the other day in my shift, I stocked this much and this much and I was like . . . wow, really? I don't give a crap how much you can stock in a shift, in my opinion, training where it's needed supersedes stocking. Period.
Then I went to Kingman for Austin's birthday. I was scheduled to work Saturday and Monday; I called in both days. It was made clear to me that this was not OK, and again, it was insinuated that I could potentially be let go. At this point, I'd really already decided I was done so I didn't care. Seeing my family was well worth it, in my opinion.
Ultimately, I decided to quit to save face. I think that at future interviews it'll look better to say, I quit because I was treated so poorly, than to have to explain why I was fired.
Am I terrified? Oh God, yes. I've been having anxiety attacks about this for days. I'm scared to just not have a job, and I keep flashing back to last time, when I was unemployed for almost 2 years. I can't do that again. I am also ashamed of how irresponsible I feel comfortable being--but I tell myself that if this was a job where I was treated like a human being and that I enjoyed or at least didn't mind, I'd feel totally differently. It's also weird because quitting without notice means I can't be re-hired, so if I was to move back to Kingman, Hastings isn't a work option there. That part makes me sad, because in a way, it's like I'm severing a tie to that life, and . . . I don't know, moving on. Making it harder to go back to. I hate that feeling.
But as far as finding a new job goes, I actually think I'll be OK. Since I've been back in Flagstaff, I've limited my job search to office jobs. But right now a lot of places are hiring seasonally, so I think that if I expand my search to include other retail places and grocery stores, I'll probably be able to find something pretty quickly. At least that's what I'm hoping.
But Jerbs supports me completely, and I trust her judgement in pretty much everything.
So . . . yeah. Scary, but even with the anxiety attacks I'm relieved to be rid of Hastings.
I have been for a few days now, but I've hesitated to admit it.
I quit Hastings. I quit without notice, and I'm not proud of that, but I'm also not ashamed of it. After the way I was treated in the time I worked at this store, I don't really think they deserved much from me.
First of all, I've averaged 10 hours a week since I got here, which is nothing, especially at $8/hour. I've heard employees talking shit about other employees more times than I can count. I've heard our store manager bad mouth other employees. It's beyond unprofessional. Another associate's husband has literally stood at my register and just stared at me, which is incredibly creepy. I had a manager throw his keys at me because he was pissed at me for something I honestly didn't do. That same manager has a long history of anger issues and apparently once before punched a hole through the office wall. My boss witnessed the key throwing, and ultimately, I was told to watch myself around this other employee. Sorry, but that is complete bull freaking shit. That guy should have been fired, and quite frankly, he's lucky I didn't call the cops on his ass. And no one there liked me. Maybe a few people, but the thing is, this store has no well trained employees. They're all shit. Not one of them would last a week at a decent store. So when I do things right, they get pissed. It's ridiculous. And I swear up and down that that's true, I'm not just trying to make myself look better. The fact is that I was trained correctly, I do things correctly, and this store couldn't stand it. (Always been the case with this store, BTW).
The last straw came last week. I mentioned on here that I was scheduled to work last Sunday, the 4th. I am not available on Sundays. I haven't been since I started back at the Kingman Hastings last September. Initially I did it that way because I wanted Corey and I to have one day completely off together. Since he worked Monday thru Friday, and I knew I'd be working Saturdays, Sundays was basically the only option. When I moved, I left it the same, so that I knew I'd have a day for my own stuff.
Well, suddenly I had a 7 AM to 4 PM shift on a Sunday. I left my boss a note saying I wasn't available on Sundays. When he finally got back to me about it at work, he basically told me that I'd been specially requested for a project, and that he had just really hoped/assumed I could work it. There are SO MANY THINGS wrong with that! Let me say that if I'd been asked in advance, say the week before, if I could work a Sunday for a big project, even though it's outside of availability, I probably would have been willing to help out. But that courtesy wasn't given to me. Instead, the assumption was made that what I said my availability was is a lie. To me, that is a huge amount of disrespect. If you can't at least respect my availability, then what CAN you respect? That's like the most basic level of respect, in my opinion. And it was made very clear to me by my boss that he was incredibly disappointed in me, and he hinted that it might be grounds for a write up and termination. I was kind of in shock about that, but I stood my ground: respect me or I don't do shit for you.
On the same day that this conversation happened, I got bitched out by the LS manager for how much stocking I'd gotten done. I'm normally a pretty quick stocker. But on this particular day, the guy working in video was brand spanking new, on maybe his 5th shift altogether. So every fifteen minutes he either asked me help, or I overheard him giving a customer incorrect information. I probably saved at least $200 in sales by correcting him. So here's another issue: people get hired and thrown into departments without any training. Then the experienced people working on the floor have to train them as we go, and yes, it takes away from the time we have to do our own jobs. And the LS manager was like, well, the other day in my shift, I stocked this much and this much and I was like . . . wow, really? I don't give a crap how much you can stock in a shift, in my opinion, training where it's needed supersedes stocking. Period.
Then I went to Kingman for Austin's birthday. I was scheduled to work Saturday and Monday; I called in both days. It was made clear to me that this was not OK, and again, it was insinuated that I could potentially be let go. At this point, I'd really already decided I was done so I didn't care. Seeing my family was well worth it, in my opinion.
Ultimately, I decided to quit to save face. I think that at future interviews it'll look better to say, I quit because I was treated so poorly, than to have to explain why I was fired.
Am I terrified? Oh God, yes. I've been having anxiety attacks about this for days. I'm scared to just not have a job, and I keep flashing back to last time, when I was unemployed for almost 2 years. I can't do that again. I am also ashamed of how irresponsible I feel comfortable being--but I tell myself that if this was a job where I was treated like a human being and that I enjoyed or at least didn't mind, I'd feel totally differently. It's also weird because quitting without notice means I can't be re-hired, so if I was to move back to Kingman, Hastings isn't a work option there. That part makes me sad, because in a way, it's like I'm severing a tie to that life, and . . . I don't know, moving on. Making it harder to go back to. I hate that feeling.
But as far as finding a new job goes, I actually think I'll be OK. Since I've been back in Flagstaff, I've limited my job search to office jobs. But right now a lot of places are hiring seasonally, so I think that if I expand my search to include other retail places and grocery stores, I'll probably be able to find something pretty quickly. At least that's what I'm hoping.
But Jerbs supports me completely, and I trust her judgement in pretty much everything.
So . . . yeah. Scary, but even with the anxiety attacks I'm relieved to be rid of Hastings.
6.30.2012
My Saucy
Hands down the hardest part about leaving is explaining it to Austin. He knows I'm going to Flagstaff, but he keeps asking if I'm coming back "after Flagstaff." And I've tried to tell him that I'll definitely come back and visit but that I'm not sure if I'll ever be back to stay. And he doesn't get it.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
6.19.2012
My Decisions
So once it was established that I needed to move out, I decided to go back to Flagstaff and live with Jerbs.
A lot of people have taken issue with this, but I really do think it's the best option.
If I were to stay in Kingman, I would most likely have to go stay with my sister. She lives out in Rancho, I don't have a car, and the bus system doesn't run out there. I won't have a car in Flagstaff either, but Flag has a great bus system that I know how to use. I feel like I can be more independent up there, whereas here, I'd constantly have to be making transportation arrangements and I hate feeling like I'm being a burden. Plus, I have a job and roommate waiting for me in Flagstaff, so moving up there really isn't a lot of work for me.
I also kind of feel like, at this point, the more space the better for Corey and me. If I stay here, I'll see him regularly (orchestra, bells). And I just don't want it to be awkward, because right now, Corey's fairly affectionate with me at home, but around other people, not as much. And it's not something I want to put myself through. Plus I feel like if I just moved out and went to my sister's and was close by, it would be easier to give in to loneliness--in other words, it would be easier to just move back in with him if he missed me, or spend the night with him if he was lonely, or call him and ask him to come over if I was lonely. We need some actual, real space from each other, and this is the best way to do it. I'm not a huge fan of leaving, and I'll miss a lot of things--my family (esp. my nephew), my co-workers, this house, bells, orchestra. And of course Corey. But I really do think it's better this way, because I've seen what happens when we say we need space and don't give it to each other.
About a year ago, Corey and I broke up. It was a lot of the same things but after about a week, he confessed his love for me and we basically got back together. And I was ecstatic, and I never did any of the things I said I'd do in the course of the breakup (like committing myself to my treatment). This is what we should have done a year ago.
So I'm going to take some time for myself. I'm going to try to remember who I am, I'm going to treat the bipolar, I'm going to dedicate myself to myself. I'm going to become the person I want to be: a healthy, happy, independent woman who knows how to live her life. That's what I've wanted since I very first got sick, and that's what I've never been able to do. While I do want things to work out with Corey, I am not getting better for him or because he told me I had to. I want to get better because I want to like my life, and I want to like myself. At this point I've lost enough time to being miserable.
And hopefully, at some point down the road, Corey and I will be able to begin our relationship again with a clean slate.
And hopefully, at some point down the road, Corey and I will be able to begin our relationship again with a clean slate.
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