Three hours left until the new year, and I kind of can't believe it. Normally I don't like new year, because it's and ending, and that's always made me sad. But this year, I find myself looking forward to the new year more than I ever have, and even though today is an ending, it's also a beginning.
I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected. I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be. I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years. At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband. I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.
My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman. From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.
The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship. As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was. I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake. But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year. And I know that he really loved me too.
Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers. I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again. It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still. And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense. Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!
I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do. Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.
Then came the big move back to Flagstaff. I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own. I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.
But it didn't. I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger. I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that. I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do. The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term. I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me. I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.
I've learned to survive without a car. To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all. To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me. To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself. To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something. To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.
I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better. A lot better. I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective. I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.
Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to. I think that where I am now is where I need to be. Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve? A little. Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss? Absolutely. But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.
As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations. I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement. I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on. I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it. But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.
As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be. But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate. I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time. This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me. I am just looking forward to living my life. I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great. I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.
So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.
12.31.2012
12.30.2012
Green Eyed Monster
A friend of mine (hi Heather!) referred to 2012 as the year of love on her old blog, and I have to say, that's a completely apt description.
I can name at least ten people I know (mostly college friends) who got married or engaged this year, and a few more that I know of but don't know well who did too. Two girls I went to college with got married within the last week alone. Honestly, no one who got married/engaged this year was anyone I'm super super close to, but still.
Let me say this: I am sincerely, from the bottom of my heart happy for every single one of my friends who got married or engaged this year. I really am. I wish them all nothing but the best.
But I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting a little. Or a lot. A lot is more accurate.
The thing is, even though I'm not in close contact with most of these people, we have a lot of mutual friends, and thanks to Facebook, I end up seeing pictures and hearing about the weddings and whatnot without even trying. And again, that's not really a bad thing, because hey, it's Facebook, and I would never ever ever expect anyone to not share their happiness just so that I wouldn't be sad, if that makes sense. But still, seeing all these beautiful wedding pictures of people so in love with one another . . . hurts. A lot. Mostly because . . . oh, it's hard to explain.
I never thought about marriage much before Corey. It wasn't something that particularly interested in me; I was indifferent to the idea. But then I met Corey and I fell in love with him and I realized how much I wanted that, and I thought I'd found it. I expected my name to be on the year of love list along with all the others, and then . . . well, you know the rest.
So it hurts, to see something that I got close to and then lost. One of the things that hurts the most is seeing my friends with people who genuinely love them. That probably doesn't make sense, but bear with me. I felt like that was what was missing from my relationship with Corey--I felt like I was madly in love with him and I was so excited to marry him, but I didn't feel like he felt the same towards me. And I WANT someone who loves me too. I want someone who is excited to marry me, who thinks he's lucky to be with me, who's nervous to propose to me, who wants to celebrate our engagement instead of just being indifferent to it, who is proud and honored to call himself my fiance--and I honestly never got that from Corey. Maybe at the very beginning but not much after. I realize that back then I probably wasn't really someone anyone would be proud to be with, but I damn sure am now. And maybe Corey did feel all those things and my perception was just off because of the mental illness . . . I don't know. The thing is, I see that kind of love in all of my friends' wedding pictures, and I think, THAT'S what I want. And I know now--and maybe I knew before the breakup ever happened--that that wasn't what I had. I think it may have had the potential to be that, but it wasn't quite there.
And it's not just the love that I'm jealous of. I'm jealous of how big a deal everyone else's engagements and wedding seem to be. I felt like no one really cared when Corey and I got engaged. No one threw us any engagement parties, no one even really congratulated us. And maybe it was because neither of us was really celebrating it, because things were going so poorly between us and all that, y'know? I don't know, all of this is such a jumble in my head that I probably shouldn't even be sharing it. But I'm jealous of having so many people to share it with, and that sucks.
I always imagined I'd come out of college with a decent sized social circle and a lot of friends I wanted to keep in touch with, and that we'd . . . sort of grow up together. I think that's a big thing that's missing from my life, because I really don't have a lot of friends. And I see these girls being in each other's weddings and just being friends, double dating with their husbands an whatnot . . . and that's probably what makes me the most jealous. I want that. The thing is, once I graduated college was when the bipolar really started to kick in and get bad so I pretty much dropped out socially. And then the rest of the bridges were burnt when I got with Corey, and now looking at it from a mentally healthy perspective, I regret a lot of things. (So if you're reading this and you're a college friend or sister, please know that chances are I still really like you, and I would love to reconnect in the new year).
Not to mention my 28th birthday is right around the corner. I feel like I should be waaaay ahead of where I am. I feel like I have nothing to show for my 28 years and my education and all that.
So it's just a little difficult. Like I said, I'm happy for everyone, but it kicks up all these thoughts in my head. And I remember how Corey never even wanted to plan our wedding and I start to wonder if I ever mattered to him at all; I remember how he didn't tell anyone about our engagement and how I felt like such a small part of his life when I should have been the most important. It's frustrating beyond belief--I can't even really put all of it into words. It's such a dichotomy in my head--I feel like I knew all along that things wouldn't work out the way they were, but at the same time, I still love Corey and still think there is the potential for things to work out now. I kind of wonder how it can be both.
I tell myself that I am where I should be. That being married the way things were would have been a gigantic mistake. That I have a legitimate reason for the setbacks, that I have a real illness that I am only just starting to overcome. That there is no shame in being almost 28 years old and in a sort of rebuilding phase. That my life is my life and whatever anybody else is doing doesn't matter. That the deadlines are only in my head, and if I don't get married until I'm 35, so be it. That a new year is about to begin and that it and I am full of potential.
But still, that green eyed monster can be a pain.
I can name at least ten people I know (mostly college friends) who got married or engaged this year, and a few more that I know of but don't know well who did too. Two girls I went to college with got married within the last week alone. Honestly, no one who got married/engaged this year was anyone I'm super super close to, but still.
Let me say this: I am sincerely, from the bottom of my heart happy for every single one of my friends who got married or engaged this year. I really am. I wish them all nothing but the best.
But I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting a little. Or a lot. A lot is more accurate.
The thing is, even though I'm not in close contact with most of these people, we have a lot of mutual friends, and thanks to Facebook, I end up seeing pictures and hearing about the weddings and whatnot without even trying. And again, that's not really a bad thing, because hey, it's Facebook, and I would never ever ever expect anyone to not share their happiness just so that I wouldn't be sad, if that makes sense. But still, seeing all these beautiful wedding pictures of people so in love with one another . . . hurts. A lot. Mostly because . . . oh, it's hard to explain.
I never thought about marriage much before Corey. It wasn't something that particularly interested in me; I was indifferent to the idea. But then I met Corey and I fell in love with him and I realized how much I wanted that, and I thought I'd found it. I expected my name to be on the year of love list along with all the others, and then . . . well, you know the rest.
So it hurts, to see something that I got close to and then lost. One of the things that hurts the most is seeing my friends with people who genuinely love them. That probably doesn't make sense, but bear with me. I felt like that was what was missing from my relationship with Corey--I felt like I was madly in love with him and I was so excited to marry him, but I didn't feel like he felt the same towards me. And I WANT someone who loves me too. I want someone who is excited to marry me, who thinks he's lucky to be with me, who's nervous to propose to me, who wants to celebrate our engagement instead of just being indifferent to it, who is proud and honored to call himself my fiance--and I honestly never got that from Corey. Maybe at the very beginning but not much after. I realize that back then I probably wasn't really someone anyone would be proud to be with, but I damn sure am now. And maybe Corey did feel all those things and my perception was just off because of the mental illness . . . I don't know. The thing is, I see that kind of love in all of my friends' wedding pictures, and I think, THAT'S what I want. And I know now--and maybe I knew before the breakup ever happened--that that wasn't what I had. I think it may have had the potential to be that, but it wasn't quite there.
And it's not just the love that I'm jealous of. I'm jealous of how big a deal everyone else's engagements and wedding seem to be. I felt like no one really cared when Corey and I got engaged. No one threw us any engagement parties, no one even really congratulated us. And maybe it was because neither of us was really celebrating it, because things were going so poorly between us and all that, y'know? I don't know, all of this is such a jumble in my head that I probably shouldn't even be sharing it. But I'm jealous of having so many people to share it with, and that sucks.
I always imagined I'd come out of college with a decent sized social circle and a lot of friends I wanted to keep in touch with, and that we'd . . . sort of grow up together. I think that's a big thing that's missing from my life, because I really don't have a lot of friends. And I see these girls being in each other's weddings and just being friends, double dating with their husbands an whatnot . . . and that's probably what makes me the most jealous. I want that. The thing is, once I graduated college was when the bipolar really started to kick in and get bad so I pretty much dropped out socially. And then the rest of the bridges were burnt when I got with Corey, and now looking at it from a mentally healthy perspective, I regret a lot of things. (So if you're reading this and you're a college friend or sister, please know that chances are I still really like you, and I would love to reconnect in the new year).
Not to mention my 28th birthday is right around the corner. I feel like I should be waaaay ahead of where I am. I feel like I have nothing to show for my 28 years and my education and all that.
So it's just a little difficult. Like I said, I'm happy for everyone, but it kicks up all these thoughts in my head. And I remember how Corey never even wanted to plan our wedding and I start to wonder if I ever mattered to him at all; I remember how he didn't tell anyone about our engagement and how I felt like such a small part of his life when I should have been the most important. It's frustrating beyond belief--I can't even really put all of it into words. It's such a dichotomy in my head--I feel like I knew all along that things wouldn't work out the way they were, but at the same time, I still love Corey and still think there is the potential for things to work out now. I kind of wonder how it can be both.
I tell myself that I am where I should be. That being married the way things were would have been a gigantic mistake. That I have a legitimate reason for the setbacks, that I have a real illness that I am only just starting to overcome. That there is no shame in being almost 28 years old and in a sort of rebuilding phase. That my life is my life and whatever anybody else is doing doesn't matter. That the deadlines are only in my head, and if I don't get married until I'm 35, so be it. That a new year is about to begin and that it and I am full of potential.
But still, that green eyed monster can be a pain.
12.29.2012
Christmas Crafts
These are the ornaments I made for my family/friends for Christmas this year. Each one (except the mittens) has '12 or 2012 embroidered on the back, so they're sort of commemorative.
Next year I plan to do even bigger and better homemade gifts.
 |
| Candy canes for Shannon and Tamy, a peppermint candy for Jillian. A snowman for Austin. A stocking for Jenny and a Steelers stocking for my dad. |
 |
| A wreath for my mom (the red one). A wreath for Jerbs' parents (the white one). Dog bones for Dolce (my sister's dog), Olaf (Jerbs' parents' dog), and Ringo and Bella, the Flicks' dogs. |
 |
| Mittens for Christina and Duane, who got married this past June. Mittens for Betsy and Brant (aka the Flicks) who got married in Feb. 2011. Mittens for Theresa and Jenna, who will hopefully get married someday. The mittens are joined by ribbon and meant to be draped over a Christmas tree branch. Clever, no? |
12.27.2012
Christmas 2012: Family Fun, Why Murphy's Law Should Be Called Jessica's Law, and I Did Something Sort Of Illegal
Oh, Christmas. Where should I start?
Well, my travel plans ended up working out at the last minute. My mom bought me a round trip bus ticket, so I traveled to Kingman on Christmas Eve, and planned to come back to Flag the day after Christmas. It wasn't ideal, because Jerbs and Benji didn't get to come, but still, I was glad to get to go.
Christmas Eve, after my mom and sister (Jill) picked me up at the bus station, we went straight to Jenny's house. Austin was SO excited to see me! He screamed my name and threw his arms around my legs and said, "I've been missin' you Auntica!" Too precious. We ate dinner and then we did our family gift exchange, since my sister was working on Christmas day. It was fun, and I got more than I felt I deserved, and I am grateful for a family that loves me. I think the best part of the entire gift opening, though, was when my dad opened a present from Austin, and it was Austin's Power Rangers Samurai sword that he plays with ALL the time. The WTF? look on my dad's face was beyond priceless, and my sister was cracking up and explained that Austin had absolutely insisted that that be a gift for my dad. As Austin said, it was for next time he comes over to my dad's house. Hilarious.
My sisters and I and Austin went to look at Christmas lights, and Austin was still awake when we got back to his house. I read him 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (so fun) and once he was asleep we played Santa and put all of his gifts under the tree. The big one was a Hot Wheels ride on quad. When my sisters and I were kids, "Santa" always left us a note next to the empty cookie plate, so I wrote Austin a note from Santa. I loved doing that part, because I wanted to carry on that tradition a little bit.
My sister woke up at 4:30 AM to do presents (since she had to work at 7) and Austin was ecstatic. He loved everything he got, especially the quad, and within 5 minutes he was riding it around the house. It was fun to see him so happy. Jill and I spent the day with Austin, and it was pretty much just watching him ride around on his quad. He really loves that thing, and he was especially excited when he figured out how to make it go backwards. He kept telling us, "It has versery to make it go backwards!"
So Christmas night I got my stuff all packed and ready to go, and the morning after Christmas my mom picked me up to take me to the bus. There were some small errands to run first, and with about 20 minutes until my bus left I realized I had left my ticket at my sister's house. (I am a genius). I tried to reprint it at my mom's but apparently when Greyhound says they'll email you a copy of the ticket for "just in case" situations, what they really mean is that it's available for 15 minutes after you buy it. So I was stuck in Kingman until a solution could be figured out. We picked Austin up from daycare early and I spent the day baby sitting him (which is pretty much always awesome). That at least was a good thing--more time with the little munchkin.
Plan B for getting home was to see if I could just change the time on my return ticket or get a refund and buy a new one. No on both of those. Plan C was to have my sister drive me up on the 27th when she took Austin's to his dad--but she didn't want to do that. At that point I was really ready to get home so plan D was to buy an online ticket for the 12:30AM bus and leave that night. But for whatever reason online purchasing wasn't available for that trip. Plan E was to buy by phone, but the guy at the service center (out of Mumbai) insisted that the only Kingman serviced by Greyhound was Kingman, KS . . . so that didn't go well. Finally, Jerbs talked to the guy at the Flag bus station, who said that I could get on the bus in Kingman and give the driver my ID and just pay for the ticket once I got to Flag--aka, Plan F. I wasn't too happy with Plan F because it meant using my Christmas money for another bus ticket but I wanted to get home.
So my sister took me to the station and waited with me until the bus arrived (45 minutes late). Once she left and they were boarding, I tried to give the driver my ID but he wouldn't take it . . . he just let me on the bus and told me to pay when I got to Flagstaff. I was like, that's responsible.
And here's where the law breaking comes in. I called for a cab when I was about 10 minutes out of town and when I got to the station, by the time I was off the bus with all my stuff I only ended up waiting about 30 seconds for my cab (and another cab from the same company who was there picking someone up let me wait in his car). Once my cab was there I jumped in and was like let's go. So yep, I skipped out on paying for my bus ride home.
I honestly don't feel too bad about it, because I had a round trip ticket to begin with. Two trips were paid for, two trips were taken, so it balances out. And really, if they just let people on the bus without doing something to ensure that they pay . . . well, not my fault. So I only kind of did something illegal.
All in all, it was a good visit home, and Christmas itself wasn't as hard as I'd expected it to be. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about Corey at all, but I most definitely wasn't dwelling on it. I just enjoyed getting to see my family and Austin. The end of the trip, obviously, was very stressful, but it worked out better than expected in the end.
And really, all that stress was worth it to see this handsome dude.
Despite having had a better Christmas than expected, and despite not being as depressed as I'd thought I'd be, I'm relieved the holidays are over, and that I have a whole year to prepare for the next holiday season.
12.23.2012
Sentimental Sunday: Christmas
My family always had a real Christmas tree when I was growing up. Always. We went every year the day after Thanksgiving to pick it out, always from the same Christmas tree lot. A lot of the time we chose a tree a little too big for our living room ceiling, and the poor angel at the top was always mushed into the ceiling. We had a nativity set that went under the tree. It was an old, old thing, made out of cardboard, that had little pop up slots to hold the pieces. I believe my great great grandparents bought it when they came to the U.S. from Russia. My mom still has it, and she puts it up every year. It's pretty beat up, and a couple of the smaller pieces (a lamb and a tree, I think) are missing because the cats would sometimes run off with them.
My favorite part of tree decorating was the tinsel. I'm not talking about the crappy tinsel you buy now, I mean the old tinsel that was really thin and full of static, that would cling to your hands while you put it on the tree. I loved that stuff, and I haven't found it since I was a kid. My mom eventually banned tinsel in our house, because she was sick of picking it up everywhere--it would cling to us if we walked close to the tree, and it would stick to the cats especially. Plus the cats liked to eat the tinsel, and occasionally throw it up on the living room floor. So at some point in between the tinsel ban and my adulthood, that particular type of tinsel . . . disappeared, I guess. (Does anyone else remember this, or am I the only one?)
On Christmas Eve, we always piled in the car and drove around Kingman looking at Christmas lights. This was always the most fun, and it's something we still do--now usually in two cars and with a particularly adorable newest family member. After the lights, we each got to open one gift. Then we'd lie on the floor in front of the tree, in our PJ's, and my dad would read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas to us. Then we'd set up milk and cookies for Santa, and open the door on our fireplace. The fireplace was really more like a stove, and we insisted the door be left open so that Santa could get out. Our living room had an open doorway (kind of an arch) and my parents always hung a bed sheet across it so we wouldn't peek in if we got up in the middle of the night.
Christmas Day we didn't have many set traditions. Gifts, of course, and dinner, and usually visiting our grandparents. Other than that, it was a lazy kind of family day.
To anyone reading this, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! Enjoy yourself!
12.21.2012
Just An Update
Four days until Christmas, and I still have zero holiday spirit. I'm trying, I really am, but even with all the Corey crap aside, it just doesn't feel like the holidays this year. I've got all my little ornaments ready to be given out and travel plans are somewhat finalized (so I get to go home, yay!) but . . . somehow it's all just making me anxious. I think I know why (aside from what I've already said) and I need to vent about it but I'm not sure I'm ready to share it here yet. I'm looking forward to going home but I'm also dreading it, just because there's so much to do before I leave and it stresses me out. I also just kind of don't like being away from home, and right now, Jerbs' place is the closest thing to home I have, y'know? But I'm sure it'll be fine. I feel like I'm kind of taking this year off. I feel like next year at Christmas time I will definitely be more stable than I am now so I'll see how I feel about the holidays then. Maybe that Christmas magic will come back, maybe it won't; maybe I'll be with him, maybe I won't. Either way, I'll be in a more defined place than I am now. If I get back into the Christmas spirit, I plan on starting over--saving the most sentimental/meaningful ornaments and stuff in my (extensive) Christmas collection and donating the rest, just so that it's all MINE, not things I shared with him. Even if he and I do get back together, I want to start over. Keep nothing except the sentimental stuff from that bad part of our relationship.
--------------------
Last Friday (the 14th) my college BFF Theresa graduated college. It was a very exciting day because she's basically been working towards her degree for 8 years (we started college the same year/semester). Jerbs and I didn't get to see her after graduation but tonight we went out to dinner with her. It was nice to see her, and we went to a restaurant Jerbs and I had never been to (which was delicious, BTW). I love Theresa, and I'm so glad she's graduated and in a good relationship . . . in the almost decade we've known each other I've seen her go through a lot and I want nothing but happiness for her. In a little more than a week she is moving to Salt Lake City, Utah, with her girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier for her. (Plus . . . excuse to go to Utah and explore a little!!) I'll probably write more about her graduation and stuff later.
--------------------
Things could be looking up in the employment area. I'm not saying more until I know for sure but . . . please keep your fingers crossed for me!
--------------------
I bought new pants the other night (well, I bought half of them, Jerbs bought the other half) and I had to buy a size smaller than I expected. That was a pleasant experience. However, the downside was that the "short" pants (because I have tiny little midget legs) were actually a little too long for me. How freaking sad is that??? I like being short but I wish my legs were a teeny bit longer. Jerbs and I are the same height but her inseam is something like 4 inches longer than mine.
--------------------
**EDIT**
Travel plans ended up falling through so it looks like I'll be stuck in Flag for Christmas this year.
--------------------
Last Friday (the 14th) my college BFF Theresa graduated college. It was a very exciting day because she's basically been working towards her degree for 8 years (we started college the same year/semester). Jerbs and I didn't get to see her after graduation but tonight we went out to dinner with her. It was nice to see her, and we went to a restaurant Jerbs and I had never been to (which was delicious, BTW). I love Theresa, and I'm so glad she's graduated and in a good relationship . . . in the almost decade we've known each other I've seen her go through a lot and I want nothing but happiness for her. In a little more than a week she is moving to Salt Lake City, Utah, with her girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier for her. (Plus . . . excuse to go to Utah and explore a little!!) I'll probably write more about her graduation and stuff later.
--------------------
Things could be looking up in the employment area. I'm not saying more until I know for sure but . . . please keep your fingers crossed for me!
--------------------
I bought new pants the other night (well, I bought half of them, Jerbs bought the other half) and I had to buy a size smaller than I expected. That was a pleasant experience. However, the downside was that the "short" pants (because I have tiny little midget legs) were actually a little too long for me. How freaking sad is that??? I like being short but I wish my legs were a teeny bit longer. Jerbs and I are the same height but her inseam is something like 4 inches longer than mine.
--------------------
**EDIT**
Travel plans ended up falling through so it looks like I'll be stuck in Flag for Christmas this year.
12.19.2012
Christmas Stings
I know that the reason I'm in such a down swing right now is because of the holidays. I was doing fine while the weather was mild but now we've been getting snow and winter storms and even though it's beautiful, it's made it feel like Christmas.
I love Christmas. I can only remember one other year when I wasn't looking forward to it. Normally, 6 days before Christmas, my tree and decorations have been up for a month, my cards are sent, my shopping is finished and beautifully wrapped, my travel plans are made, and I'm full of giddy excitement. Y'know how you felt about Christmas day as a kid? That excited anticipation that nothing could really bring down? That's how I've always felt.
<<After this point this is a sappy entry about Corey and me, so if you're sick of hearing it, stop now.>>
It hurts because of Corey. It's so lame to say that but it's true.
Because I have always loved everything about Christmas, one of the things I imagined when I daydreamed about the love of my life was sharing that. Sharing the holidays together. That was so important to me. I loved Jerbs but she's not really into Christmas, and because her parents didn't know about us, we were never really able to spend a holiday together. Then I met Corey, and he loved Christmas as much as I do, and it was amazing. I loved being with someone who was just as excited for the holidays as I was. It meant so much to me.
Last year on the last day of school before winter break I took a bunch of goodies to Corey's class and stuck around for their little Christmas party. It was adorable. Then we drove to Chinle for the holidays. I had never spent a Christmas away from my family but I was excited to spend it with my almost in-laws. We stayed with Corey's parents and were allowed to share one of the guest bedrooms, which was a big deal because normally, it was separate rooms til marriage. On Christmas Eve we went to the candlelight service at their church and when we got home, Corey pulled me aside and told me I was beautiful and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me.
We woke up together on Christmas morning. I remember rolling over to find him already awake, and the first thing he said was Merry Christmas. And I don't care how cheesy it sounds but I felt like that one moment that morning was everything I had ever wanted. Everything I'd hoped for and daydreamed about and I believed so completely then that that was my forever. That every Christmas morning would be like that. I didn't doubt it then. And then exactly 5 months later he told me he didn't want to marry me.
So this year, Christmas looks bleak. I haven't put up a single decoration. I didn't buy a tree. I avoid the Christmas sections at any stores we go to like the plague. Christmas music--especially Christmas love songs--aggravate me. It took a lot just to buy Christmas cards and make the little felt ornaments for my loved ones. I don't see this resolving. I think that for me the magic is going to be gone from Christmas now. And I don't mind that. If I can't be as happy on Christmas as I was last year then I don't really care about Christmas, y'know?
On Christmas Eve 2009 I was a mess. I'd lost my job recently and was very, very mentally ill, and I wrote a suicide note. On Christmas Eve. That year I hated Christmas; I didn't even want to go home to Kingman to see my family. I just wanted it to all be over. And I hated that I felt that way because it was so unlike me. The following year I had just started dating Corey and even though we weren't physically together that Christmas, it was still a pleasant change. And I was glad that I could have a good Christmas after that.
To top everything off, I don't know if I'm going to get to go home for Christmas. That's all I want. All I want this year is to be with my family. To see Austin. I feel like every single other thing in my life is a freaking disaster right now, I should at least be able to have that, right? (It doesn't help thinking of Corey driving to Chinle to be with his family . . . because his life has gone one perfectly without me while I've suffered, and why would he care that I'm doing so badly if he's fine?).
I love Christmas. I can only remember one other year when I wasn't looking forward to it. Normally, 6 days before Christmas, my tree and decorations have been up for a month, my cards are sent, my shopping is finished and beautifully wrapped, my travel plans are made, and I'm full of giddy excitement. Y'know how you felt about Christmas day as a kid? That excited anticipation that nothing could really bring down? That's how I've always felt.
<<After this point this is a sappy entry about Corey and me, so if you're sick of hearing it, stop now.>>
It hurts because of Corey. It's so lame to say that but it's true.
Because I have always loved everything about Christmas, one of the things I imagined when I daydreamed about the love of my life was sharing that. Sharing the holidays together. That was so important to me. I loved Jerbs but she's not really into Christmas, and because her parents didn't know about us, we were never really able to spend a holiday together. Then I met Corey, and he loved Christmas as much as I do, and it was amazing. I loved being with someone who was just as excited for the holidays as I was. It meant so much to me.
Last year on the last day of school before winter break I took a bunch of goodies to Corey's class and stuck around for their little Christmas party. It was adorable. Then we drove to Chinle for the holidays. I had never spent a Christmas away from my family but I was excited to spend it with my almost in-laws. We stayed with Corey's parents and were allowed to share one of the guest bedrooms, which was a big deal because normally, it was separate rooms til marriage. On Christmas Eve we went to the candlelight service at their church and when we got home, Corey pulled me aside and told me I was beautiful and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me.
We woke up together on Christmas morning. I remember rolling over to find him already awake, and the first thing he said was Merry Christmas. And I don't care how cheesy it sounds but I felt like that one moment that morning was everything I had ever wanted. Everything I'd hoped for and daydreamed about and I believed so completely then that that was my forever. That every Christmas morning would be like that. I didn't doubt it then. And then exactly 5 months later he told me he didn't want to marry me.
So this year, Christmas looks bleak. I haven't put up a single decoration. I didn't buy a tree. I avoid the Christmas sections at any stores we go to like the plague. Christmas music--especially Christmas love songs--aggravate me. It took a lot just to buy Christmas cards and make the little felt ornaments for my loved ones. I don't see this resolving. I think that for me the magic is going to be gone from Christmas now. And I don't mind that. If I can't be as happy on Christmas as I was last year then I don't really care about Christmas, y'know?
On Christmas Eve 2009 I was a mess. I'd lost my job recently and was very, very mentally ill, and I wrote a suicide note. On Christmas Eve. That year I hated Christmas; I didn't even want to go home to Kingman to see my family. I just wanted it to all be over. And I hated that I felt that way because it was so unlike me. The following year I had just started dating Corey and even though we weren't physically together that Christmas, it was still a pleasant change. And I was glad that I could have a good Christmas after that.
To top everything off, I don't know if I'm going to get to go home for Christmas. That's all I want. All I want this year is to be with my family. To see Austin. I feel like every single other thing in my life is a freaking disaster right now, I should at least be able to have that, right? (It doesn't help thinking of Corey driving to Chinle to be with his family . . . because his life has gone one perfectly without me while I've suffered, and why would he care that I'm doing so badly if he's fine?).
12.17.2012
And Then One Day . . .
Today I was the fat girl sitting in the very back of the bus bawling her eyes out on the way home.
I'm ready to be done now.
I'm ready to be done now.
12.16.2012
Snow Angel Fail
Today Jerbs' cousin, Erika, and her boyfriend, Brad, came up to visit. One of the things they (well, Erika) wanted to was take a cute picture in the snow together to send with their Christmas cards. So we drove out to the pond near our place. The pond was partially frozen and a lot of the snow out there was untouched, and there were still a ton of ducks around! It was exciting.
So we traipsed around in the snow for awhile and talked to the ducks and took some pictures of Erika and Brad, and as we were walking back to the car, I just HAD to make a snow angel.
And I did. And the snow was really deep so getting up was difficult. And Brad and Erika and Jerbs all laughed at how snow covered I was and then we left.
We went to the mall, and at about our 3rd store, I wanted to text my sister.
My phone wasn't in my coat pocket, which was the last place I'd had it. It wasn't in my purse, either. And wouldn't you know it, it wasn't in the car either.
So we drove back out to the pond and sure enough, my phone was half buried in the middle of my snow angel. Thankfully the snow didn't do any damage to it, and it's fine. I was incredibly relieved.
Lesson learned: when making a snow angel, hand your phone to someone else.
So we traipsed around in the snow for awhile and talked to the ducks and took some pictures of Erika and Brad, and as we were walking back to the car, I just HAD to make a snow angel.
And I did. And the snow was really deep so getting up was difficult. And Brad and Erika and Jerbs all laughed at how snow covered I was and then we left.
We went to the mall, and at about our 3rd store, I wanted to text my sister.
My phone wasn't in my coat pocket, which was the last place I'd had it. It wasn't in my purse, either. And wouldn't you know it, it wasn't in the car either.
So we drove back out to the pond and sure enough, my phone was half buried in the middle of my snow angel. Thankfully the snow didn't do any damage to it, and it's fine. I was incredibly relieved.
Lesson learned: when making a snow angel, hand your phone to someone else.
12.15.2012
A Snowy Day
It snowed through last night so we woke up to solid white. I had to leave the house at one point and there were spots where the snow was up to my knees. (Granted I have like a 26 inch inseam so up to my knees isn't a huge deal). Even with all the snow, the roads were clear--just a little icy.
Aside from my outing to Safeway, we all stayed inside and kept warm today. Both cats were snuggly, and Benji stayed on his heating pad.
And I got some work done on a few embroidery projects I'm working on.
Since I'm not going to have enough money for actual gifts this year, I figured I'd do homemade gifts for everyone. I'll definitely post pics of the finished projects. I love embroidering so much, and I'm really enjoying doing it. I like the way everything's turning out so far (I'm especially proud of the snowman!).
Anyway, that was our snow day. It's so pretty out right now. I'm determined to make a snow angel tomorrow. And a snowman, if I can convince Jerbs to help me. (She's not as big a fan of snow as I am).
 |
| Our porch this afternoon, the ground near our apartment, and the two big pine trees in front of our porch. Living on the third floor=living at tree top level! |
And I got some work done on a few embroidery projects I'm working on.
 |
| Each of these is part of a Christmas ornament for someone . . . or someone's pet. I'm not going to say what's for who, since I don't really know who all reads this! |
Anyway, that was our snow day. It's so pretty out right now. I'm determined to make a snow angel tomorrow. And a snowman, if I can convince Jerbs to help me. (She's not as big a fan of snow as I am).
12.14.2012
Finally Some Winter Weather
It started snowing at about one this morning, and we woke up to . . .
Those pictures are all from when I was out and about (downtown near the bus transfer center and over by Staples). I wanted to get a shot of the view from our porch but I didn't have time because, as usual, we were leaving in a hurry.
Isn't it beautiful? As much as I really didn't want snow this year (because apparently a break up can even ruin little things like weather) I do love how it looks. Especially the pine trees. Flagstaff sits in a pine forest so when it's snowing, everywhere in town looks like a Christmas card.
We're supposed to get more tonight and the sky looks like a snow sky so we'll see.
Those pictures are all from when I was out and about (downtown near the bus transfer center and over by Staples). I wanted to get a shot of the view from our porch but I didn't have time because, as usual, we were leaving in a hurry.
Isn't it beautiful? As much as I really didn't want snow this year (because apparently a break up can even ruin little things like weather) I do love how it looks. Especially the pine trees. Flagstaff sits in a pine forest so when it's snowing, everywhere in town looks like a Christmas card.
We're supposed to get more tonight and the sky looks like a snow sky so we'll see.
12.13.2012
Sometimes I Just Want to Rip Out My Hair
Today was one of those days. Just one of those days where I woke up in a fine mood but at some point shortly after I was awake, my mood started to go downhill.
First of all, I haven't heard anything back from the job I interviewed for on Monday, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. I'm disappointed, irritated, sad . . . I had gotten my hopes up (as usual). I just don't understand what it was about me that made them decide to choose someone else, y'know? It's aggravating. And I don't know what to do. I feel totally helpless. I went to this interview, I did my best, and it still came to nothing. I worry that I'll never get hired anywhere, and I think of all the things I need money for, like my student loans and medical treatment and groceries. I've been having anxiety attacks about all of this and it gets harder and harder to believe that things are going to work out and more and more I lose sight of where I want to get. More and more I just stop caring, and it's frustrating.
Today after we ate we went to WalMart and I nearly got hit by a car. Like legitimately nearly got hit. This woman wasn't watching as she turned and probably came within 3 inches of me. I was livid. She rolled down her window and apologized and even though she sounded sincere all I could say was whatever, and then I made a deliberately loud comment to Jerbs as we walked away about how we were invisible that day.
And of course Christmas has exploded everywhere you go and that's not helping anything, so while we were at WalMart I just suddenly wanted to cry. And throw things. I was just so overwhelmed by sadness and anger that I could hardly breathe.
My mind just spiraled downward. All I could think of was how pathetic and useless my life is. I'm 27, unemployed, in debt, sleeping on my ex girlfriend's floor, friendless (I have no friends outside of Jerbs, it's fucking pathetic), car-less, broke . . . I just felt like such a loser. Such a failure. So full of hatred for my life.
And then I thought of Corey and I just couldn't help but feel like he's the one who put me here. He sacrificed me for his own happiness, and given how things have gone for me . . . He cared--and cares--more about himself than me. That was probably true throughout the relationship. But those thoughts--that sense of having such a horrible life (because sometimes my life does feel really horrible) and feeling like one person is mostly to blame is crippling. I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like. Anger, helplessness (in the sense that I can't do anything to him for revenge, that he'll never feel even remotely guilty for anything he's done), sadness, betrayal . . . it's horrible. Horrible. I can honestly say that I have not felt like that since September, after that awful trip to Kingman.
I know that the best revenge is to get better, to BE better. But then you go back to the earlier thoughts about everything and I feel like it's pretty clear that I can't get completely better. Mentally healthy, sure, but the rest of my life is still always going to suck.
I'm a bit better now--I'm calmer, at least--but still, it was a hard day.
First of all, I haven't heard anything back from the job I interviewed for on Monday, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. I'm disappointed, irritated, sad . . . I had gotten my hopes up (as usual). I just don't understand what it was about me that made them decide to choose someone else, y'know? It's aggravating. And I don't know what to do. I feel totally helpless. I went to this interview, I did my best, and it still came to nothing. I worry that I'll never get hired anywhere, and I think of all the things I need money for, like my student loans and medical treatment and groceries. I've been having anxiety attacks about all of this and it gets harder and harder to believe that things are going to work out and more and more I lose sight of where I want to get. More and more I just stop caring, and it's frustrating.
Today after we ate we went to WalMart and I nearly got hit by a car. Like legitimately nearly got hit. This woman wasn't watching as she turned and probably came within 3 inches of me. I was livid. She rolled down her window and apologized and even though she sounded sincere all I could say was whatever, and then I made a deliberately loud comment to Jerbs as we walked away about how we were invisible that day.
And of course Christmas has exploded everywhere you go and that's not helping anything, so while we were at WalMart I just suddenly wanted to cry. And throw things. I was just so overwhelmed by sadness and anger that I could hardly breathe.
My mind just spiraled downward. All I could think of was how pathetic and useless my life is. I'm 27, unemployed, in debt, sleeping on my ex girlfriend's floor, friendless (I have no friends outside of Jerbs, it's fucking pathetic), car-less, broke . . . I just felt like such a loser. Such a failure. So full of hatred for my life.
And then I thought of Corey and I just couldn't help but feel like he's the one who put me here. He sacrificed me for his own happiness, and given how things have gone for me . . . He cared--and cares--more about himself than me. That was probably true throughout the relationship. But those thoughts--that sense of having such a horrible life (because sometimes my life does feel really horrible) and feeling like one person is mostly to blame is crippling. I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like. Anger, helplessness (in the sense that I can't do anything to him for revenge, that he'll never feel even remotely guilty for anything he's done), sadness, betrayal . . . it's horrible. Horrible. I can honestly say that I have not felt like that since September, after that awful trip to Kingman.
I know that the best revenge is to get better, to BE better. But then you go back to the earlier thoughts about everything and I feel like it's pretty clear that I can't get completely better. Mentally healthy, sure, but the rest of my life is still always going to suck.
I'm a bit better now--I'm calmer, at least--but still, it was a hard day.
12.11.2012
An Interview, An Old Friend, A Crazy Guy, and Purple Hair
Yesterday I had a job interview. It was at 9 AM and because I suck at realizing I'm out of things, I dragged myself out of bed at 6 AM so I could catch the 6:30 bus and buy face wash. (I cannot shower without face wash . . . I just can't. It's an OCD thing). Got back at 7:25, which gave me exactly 33 minutes to shower, blow dry, and get dressed, because I had to catch the 8:03 bus for the interview. It wasn't fun, but I did it! Had to run to the bus stop and got there basically as the bus did (if no one else had been waiting I'd have been screwed) but that's really nothing new. The interview went well, but it was one where the guy mostly told me about the job instead of asking a lot of questions, which always makes me feel weird. They need someone fast, though, which is in my favor because I'm not currently working. The guy said he's interviewed a few other people and that he would make a decision within the next couple days. I did my best and now all I can do is cross my fingers and hope and say a prayer or two . . . all of which I've done extensively today. I desperately want this, because I am sick and tired of having to depend on Jerbs . . . it's not fair to her and I feel like crap. I just want something that's MINE and hopefully this job will be it!
Jerbs came with me for moral support so after the interview I went to find her at Albertsons and couldn't. I wandered to the Starbucks next door to see if she'd gone there, and as I was going in, one of my old co-workers from the clinic was walking out. I was so happy to see him! He's an MA at Concentra now (the company that bought the clinic) and he and I always had a great time working together. He gave me a hug and we caught up for a few minutes, and it made my day. It's been more than 3 years since I worked there but I still miss my old work family.
Once I found Jerbs we caught the bus back to the transfer station to catch another bus so we could go have breakfast. And randomly, the weird goofy crazy driver who used to drive route 3 was driving. We hadn't seen him in awhile so we sat up front to chat, and it was easily the most entertaining bus ride we'd had in a long time. This driver is a young guy (one year older than us) who apparently lives with his parents and just bought a moped. He's funny, though, and I like him.
After we got home and both took a nap, I colored Jerbs' hair purple. She bought some temporary comb in dye today at WalMart on a whim, because she really wants a weird hair color but she's not allowed to at her job. Since she's on vacation, she figured what the hell. Pretty much just the top of her hair is purple, and I had fun putting it in. She looks pretty cool!
Jerbs came with me for moral support so after the interview I went to find her at Albertsons and couldn't. I wandered to the Starbucks next door to see if she'd gone there, and as I was going in, one of my old co-workers from the clinic was walking out. I was so happy to see him! He's an MA at Concentra now (the company that bought the clinic) and he and I always had a great time working together. He gave me a hug and we caught up for a few minutes, and it made my day. It's been more than 3 years since I worked there but I still miss my old work family.
Once I found Jerbs we caught the bus back to the transfer station to catch another bus so we could go have breakfast. And randomly, the weird goofy crazy driver who used to drive route 3 was driving. We hadn't seen him in awhile so we sat up front to chat, and it was easily the most entertaining bus ride we'd had in a long time. This driver is a young guy (one year older than us) who apparently lives with his parents and just bought a moped. He's funny, though, and I like him.
After we got home and both took a nap, I colored Jerbs' hair purple. She bought some temporary comb in dye today at WalMart on a whim, because she really wants a weird hair color but she's not allowed to at her job. Since she's on vacation, she figured what the hell. Pretty much just the top of her hair is purple, and I had fun putting it in. She looks pretty cool!
 |
| Jerbs hair after the dying. |
 |
| My hands after the dying. |
12.10.2012
Weigh In: 3 Months, No Pics
I meant to post this on the 7th but I never got around to it. I also didn't get around to taking pictures.
But either way it's been 3 months since I got all determined to lose weight and even though I haven't been trying too hard lately, I figured I should do my little check in thing anyway. (I'm not going to do weekly ones anymore, though, because . . . well, they're kinda pointless).
So anyway. I weighed myself on the 7th and my weight was at 174, so I'm holding steady. I'm glad for that. A few weeks ago when we went to Best Buy to get my phone, my friend Theresa said that I look like I've lose weight, so that was nice. It was a confidence boost and a bit of an incentive to get my ass back in gear.
So this past week I started. On Monday (the 3rd) I really wanted to work out, but I really didn't feel like walking to the workout room. So I sucked it up, put on my workout clothes, and went for a jog.
Yep. Me. A jog. And y'know what? I actually did it. Like, I actually jogged. For 4 minutes without stopping. (Four minutes is the time it took to go once around our apartment complex). I took it slow and didn't push myself, and after I'd gone around once, I stopped. It was pretty awesome. I did again on Tuesday night, but I haven't gone sense (too sore and too sick). But I'm hoping to jog every night this week (Monday thru Friday) and eventually, I'd like to be able to go around the complex twice.
I'm guessing that the distance around our complex is about a quarter mile. The way the complex parking lot is is a square that's uphill on both sides. We sit basically in the middle of one of the hills, so I run up the rest of the hill, across the back of the complex, down the other side of the parking lot, across the front of the complex, and then halfway up the other side to our apartment. Hopefully that makes a little sense. (I hated our parking lot when we had a car and it was winter . . . trying to get into a lot that has two entrances that both go uphill in snow . . . frickin' nightmare).
Other than the jogging I also found my weights (3 pounds, just for some toning) and I've been doing a little bit with that. Just some arm exercises, nothing fancy. And I've been trying to do an ab workout here and there.
Food wise I'm still only doing so/so, but I have been drinking less Dr. Pepper.
So my next weigh in will be on January 7th, and my goals for the next month are to get in some good cardio at least 5 times a week, weights and abs at least 3 times a week, and work harder on the food stuff. By my next weigh in I should have a digital scale (I think one of my family members is getting me one for Christmas) so I'm looking forward to that. Although I wonder if the numbers might be off from what they have been since my current scale is so crappy.
But either way it's been 3 months since I got all determined to lose weight and even though I haven't been trying too hard lately, I figured I should do my little check in thing anyway. (I'm not going to do weekly ones anymore, though, because . . . well, they're kinda pointless).
So anyway. I weighed myself on the 7th and my weight was at 174, so I'm holding steady. I'm glad for that. A few weeks ago when we went to Best Buy to get my phone, my friend Theresa said that I look like I've lose weight, so that was nice. It was a confidence boost and a bit of an incentive to get my ass back in gear.
So this past week I started. On Monday (the 3rd) I really wanted to work out, but I really didn't feel like walking to the workout room. So I sucked it up, put on my workout clothes, and went for a jog.
Yep. Me. A jog. And y'know what? I actually did it. Like, I actually jogged. For 4 minutes without stopping. (Four minutes is the time it took to go once around our apartment complex). I took it slow and didn't push myself, and after I'd gone around once, I stopped. It was pretty awesome. I did again on Tuesday night, but I haven't gone sense (too sore and too sick). But I'm hoping to jog every night this week (Monday thru Friday) and eventually, I'd like to be able to go around the complex twice.
I'm guessing that the distance around our complex is about a quarter mile. The way the complex parking lot is is a square that's uphill on both sides. We sit basically in the middle of one of the hills, so I run up the rest of the hill, across the back of the complex, down the other side of the parking lot, across the front of the complex, and then halfway up the other side to our apartment. Hopefully that makes a little sense. (I hated our parking lot when we had a car and it was winter . . . trying to get into a lot that has two entrances that both go uphill in snow . . . frickin' nightmare).
Other than the jogging I also found my weights (3 pounds, just for some toning) and I've been doing a little bit with that. Just some arm exercises, nothing fancy. And I've been trying to do an ab workout here and there.
Food wise I'm still only doing so/so, but I have been drinking less Dr. Pepper.
So my next weigh in will be on January 7th, and my goals for the next month are to get in some good cardio at least 5 times a week, weights and abs at least 3 times a week, and work harder on the food stuff. By my next weigh in I should have a digital scale (I think one of my family members is getting me one for Christmas) so I'm looking forward to that. Although I wonder if the numbers might be off from what they have been since my current scale is so crappy.
12.09.2012
Sentimental Sunday: Childhood Books
Since I talked about TV last week, I thought it would be appropriate to do books this week.
I loved books from a very early age, and I've always been a big reader. That's one of the reasons I majored in English, and I know that my love of books and reading is why I want to be a writer.
Early Childhood
--Goodnight Moon. This was my first favorite book, and I have very fond memories of both my parents reading it to me. To me, it's a childhood staple. I bought it for Austin before he was even born (as a baby shower gift) and the first time I met him, when he was just two days old, I insisted on reading it to him. I didn't care that he was pretty much asleep through it, I just wanted that moment. It was his first book and the first story he heard and since I'm his literary aunt, I wanted those to be from me.
--The Velveteen Rabbit. This book was also a favorite of mine, and even though it's probably done some minor psychological damage (basically what Toy Story would do to kids today, I would think) I still love it. To this day, if there's a stuffed animal alone on a shelf, I have to either buy it or at least put it with other stuffed animals so it's not lonely.
--Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes. My great grandma gave me this book when I was little--the old school volume with the black and white checkered cover--and I loved it.
--The Berenstein Bears. This one was later than the other three, and I remember checking them out from my school library.
Childhood
--Ghost stories. Any kind of ghost stories. I couldn't get enough of that kind of thing . . . which is weird because I'm actually kind of a sissy. I had a ton of those old short story collections that they used to put out all the time. The one I remember the most was called something like Railroad Ghosts and Highway Horrors, and it was all about . . . well, exactly what the title says. Ghosts haunting roadsides and railroads and stuff. It scared the crap out of me.
--Grimm's/Anderson' Fairy Tales. I actually credit these book with being the reason I love literature. My grandmother had both--the Grimm's was red, the Anderson's was green--and we used to read them together. I loved hearing the original stories of the Disney movies I watched, and having read those early on, I can see their influences in modern literature, and that interests me. After my grandma died I made sure I got those two books before anyone could accidentally donate them or something, and I still have them, all yellowed and stained and falling apart. To me, they sort of symbolize everything I love about literature.
--Goosebumps. Of course I loved Goosebumps. I read these all the time, and I read them fast. I could finish one in a day, even back then. I think my favorite was something like the Phantom of the Auditorium--it was kind of inspired by Phantom of the Opera. Not many of them actually scared me, but I remember that that one did, and the three of them with the ventriloquist dummies did too. The mask ones (Night of the Living Mask?) scared me a little too.
--The Baby-sitters Club. This was the other series I was really into. I read them in order and when the hundredth book came out and the club disbanded I was heartbroken. At least until they got back together at the end, but still. I also read and loved the BSC mysteries and super editions, and the little spin off series: the California diaries and the bios. I had a lot of BSC merchandise, too. I stopped reading them when I got older than the characters (because they never age . . . which was incredibly irritating to me).
--Stone Words. I don't remember much about this one but I do remember loving it. It was a ghost story, natch.
--The Dollhouse Murders. This was probably the stand alone book that scared me the most as a kid. It's about a girl who goes to live with her aunt in the house her dad grew up in, and there's this dollhouse in the attic that's a replica of the house, and dolls that look like her grandparents and aunt and dad as kids. It turns out that the grandparents were murdered and the dolls move around to re-enact it . . . it's so frickin' creepy! But also really good. Fact: this book still scares me as an adult. When I worked at the Kingman Hastings, I ordered it for myself one day when I was working in books. After I got it I went home and read it in about an hour, and let me tell ya, it scared me!
--As a teenager I was really into Sweet Valley High and Sweet Valley University. I probably read SVU more than SVH. Last year I had the opportunity to re-read a couple of SVU books and I was amazed at how awful they were! I couldn't stop laughing at them this time around but when I was 16 . . . damn, I loved those books!
Those are all the ones I can think of. What did you read as a kid?
I loved books from a very early age, and I've always been a big reader. That's one of the reasons I majored in English, and I know that my love of books and reading is why I want to be a writer.
Early Childhood
--Goodnight Moon. This was my first favorite book, and I have very fond memories of both my parents reading it to me. To me, it's a childhood staple. I bought it for Austin before he was even born (as a baby shower gift) and the first time I met him, when he was just two days old, I insisted on reading it to him. I didn't care that he was pretty much asleep through it, I just wanted that moment. It was his first book and the first story he heard and since I'm his literary aunt, I wanted those to be from me.
--The Velveteen Rabbit. This book was also a favorite of mine, and even though it's probably done some minor psychological damage (basically what Toy Story would do to kids today, I would think) I still love it. To this day, if there's a stuffed animal alone on a shelf, I have to either buy it or at least put it with other stuffed animals so it's not lonely.
--Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes. My great grandma gave me this book when I was little--the old school volume with the black and white checkered cover--and I loved it.
--The Berenstein Bears. This one was later than the other three, and I remember checking them out from my school library.
Childhood
--Ghost stories. Any kind of ghost stories. I couldn't get enough of that kind of thing . . . which is weird because I'm actually kind of a sissy. I had a ton of those old short story collections that they used to put out all the time. The one I remember the most was called something like Railroad Ghosts and Highway Horrors, and it was all about . . . well, exactly what the title says. Ghosts haunting roadsides and railroads and stuff. It scared the crap out of me.
--Grimm's/Anderson' Fairy Tales. I actually credit these book with being the reason I love literature. My grandmother had both--the Grimm's was red, the Anderson's was green--and we used to read them together. I loved hearing the original stories of the Disney movies I watched, and having read those early on, I can see their influences in modern literature, and that interests me. After my grandma died I made sure I got those two books before anyone could accidentally donate them or something, and I still have them, all yellowed and stained and falling apart. To me, they sort of symbolize everything I love about literature.
--Goosebumps. Of course I loved Goosebumps. I read these all the time, and I read them fast. I could finish one in a day, even back then. I think my favorite was something like the Phantom of the Auditorium--it was kind of inspired by Phantom of the Opera. Not many of them actually scared me, but I remember that that one did, and the three of them with the ventriloquist dummies did too. The mask ones (Night of the Living Mask?) scared me a little too.
--The Baby-sitters Club. This was the other series I was really into. I read them in order and when the hundredth book came out and the club disbanded I was heartbroken. At least until they got back together at the end, but still. I also read and loved the BSC mysteries and super editions, and the little spin off series: the California diaries and the bios. I had a lot of BSC merchandise, too. I stopped reading them when I got older than the characters (because they never age . . . which was incredibly irritating to me).
--Stone Words. I don't remember much about this one but I do remember loving it. It was a ghost story, natch.
--The Dollhouse Murders. This was probably the stand alone book that scared me the most as a kid. It's about a girl who goes to live with her aunt in the house her dad grew up in, and there's this dollhouse in the attic that's a replica of the house, and dolls that look like her grandparents and aunt and dad as kids. It turns out that the grandparents were murdered and the dolls move around to re-enact it . . . it's so frickin' creepy! But also really good. Fact: this book still scares me as an adult. When I worked at the Kingman Hastings, I ordered it for myself one day when I was working in books. After I got it I went home and read it in about an hour, and let me tell ya, it scared me!
--As a teenager I was really into Sweet Valley High and Sweet Valley University. I probably read SVU more than SVH. Last year I had the opportunity to re-read a couple of SVU books and I was amazed at how awful they were! I couldn't stop laughing at them this time around but when I was 16 . . . damn, I loved those books!
Those are all the ones I can think of. What did you read as a kid?
12.05.2012
What Are We Up To?
I've been jogging. (But more about that later). I'm also feeling really bleh lately, not mentally but physically. I'm sore all over (from the jogging and sleeping on the floor, I know, but it still sucks). I also just feel weak a lot lately, and I've been having stomach issues. Like I've had a lot of days recently where I'm really hungry but absolutely nothing sounds appetizing. And my sleep schedule is still a disaster, and a messed up sleep schedule equals a messed up meds schedule. I'm still taking everything I should, but the schedule needs to be a LOT more regular. I'm working on it. In good news, I won a $10 giftcard to JCPenney as part of their holiday buttons thingy. I'm happy because I never win anything like that haha.
Jerbs is stoked because today was her last day of work before 12 days off. She'd asked for this coming weekend off to go to a Mountain Goats concert and visit our friends, the Flicks, in Phoenix. She had a bunch of vacation time that she needed to use up before the end of the year so she decided to do it now. She is soooooo excited . . . today I watched her give money to 2 different charities at the mall, so yeah, she's pretty pleased.
Benji has been spending most of his time in his heating padded bed, and it's adorable. He looks totally blissed out when he's in there. He's stopped waking up and barking in the middle of the night too, so that's good. (For awhile, every night around 3 AM he'd start barking for no reason . . . I think because he'd wake up to find himself alone and get scared, maybe?) He actually ate some of his dog treats the other day; last time I tried to give him one he didn't eat it, and I assumed it was too hard for him, even thought it's a chewy treat. But I guess not, so that was a relief.
Irene is just Irene. She walks around like she owns the apartment and everything in it and that's just that. She's been feisty with Ilya lately--they've had some pretty epic wrestling matches recently, and it's pretty entertaining. She always seems to know when I'm watching something on TV, and she'll choose that moment to jump up on the TV stand and sit RIGHT in front of it.
Ilya is still scared of everything. Some mornings when I'm in Jerbs' bed, she'll cuddle with me. She crawls under the covers and everything, it's so sweet. Other than that, she still likes to play with her gross little teddy bear and drown him in her water bowl, and almost once a day I step on it while it's wet. It's disgusting but also kinda cute.
So that's what our odd little sorta family is up to at the moment!
Jerbs is stoked because today was her last day of work before 12 days off. She'd asked for this coming weekend off to go to a Mountain Goats concert and visit our friends, the Flicks, in Phoenix. She had a bunch of vacation time that she needed to use up before the end of the year so she decided to do it now. She is soooooo excited . . . today I watched her give money to 2 different charities at the mall, so yeah, she's pretty pleased.
Benji has been spending most of his time in his heating padded bed, and it's adorable. He looks totally blissed out when he's in there. He's stopped waking up and barking in the middle of the night too, so that's good. (For awhile, every night around 3 AM he'd start barking for no reason . . . I think because he'd wake up to find himself alone and get scared, maybe?) He actually ate some of his dog treats the other day; last time I tried to give him one he didn't eat it, and I assumed it was too hard for him, even thought it's a chewy treat. But I guess not, so that was a relief.
Irene is just Irene. She walks around like she owns the apartment and everything in it and that's just that. She's been feisty with Ilya lately--they've had some pretty epic wrestling matches recently, and it's pretty entertaining. She always seems to know when I'm watching something on TV, and she'll choose that moment to jump up on the TV stand and sit RIGHT in front of it.
Ilya is still scared of everything. Some mornings when I'm in Jerbs' bed, she'll cuddle with me. She crawls under the covers and everything, it's so sweet. Other than that, she still likes to play with her gross little teddy bear and drown him in her water bowl, and almost once a day I step on it while it's wet. It's disgusting but also kinda cute.
So that's what our odd little sorta family is up to at the moment!
12.03.2012
That Dog
Last year, when Corey and I went to Chinle for Christmas, we took Benji with us. Corey's parents are wonderful, and they noticed that Benji walks really stiffly because his hips bug him. So to help him out they gave him an old heating pad of theirs. Well, Benji spent the entire time we were there sleeping on the heating pad, and it really really helped him out. By the time we left to go home Benji was walking better and was able to lay more stretched out--it made me so happy. So Corey's parents gave us the heating pad. Like I said, they're wonderful. Benji spent the rest of last winter blissfully passed out on the heating pad.
Well, it's been getting cold at night, and I've noticed that lately Benji seems to have trouble settling down and getting comfortable to sleep. Last night before I went to bed, I dug out the heating pad for him.
He was in his bed in the kitchen. Benji doesn't like to be moved once he's comfortable so as carefully as I could, I lifted him up, put the heating pad in his bed, and put him back, hoping he'd feel the heat and just go back to sleep. I went to bed.
Well, I woke up a few hours later, and of course, Benji was in his bed in the living room. And his kitchen bed was nice and warm. I swear, that dog . . . I love him to bits and pieces but sometimes he drives me nuts. So I turned off the heating pad and went back to bed.
I woke up again when Jerbs was getting ready for work, and I decided to go check on Benji, and this time, he was asleep in his kitchen bed. I snuck up and turned on the heating pad, and when I got up later, Benji was still in bed and looked like he hadn't moved. He already looks like he's walking a little more comfortably. And it's good to know that he'll keep warm at night.
Benji's always had an issue with staying warm at night because he's tiny and has absolutely no body fat. When I lived alone with him he had his own blanket on my bed, and I'd cover him up with it when we went to bed, but he'd always crawl out from under it. I think I've only ever seen him stay under covers 3 or 4 times in the years I've had him. Silly dog.
I think his favorite thing ever was when Jerbs moved in with us. At that point she and I were a couple so we shared a bed, and he used to sleep between us. Pretty sure that was the highlight of Benji's life as far as warm sleep goes, haha.
Well, it's been getting cold at night, and I've noticed that lately Benji seems to have trouble settling down and getting comfortable to sleep. Last night before I went to bed, I dug out the heating pad for him.
He was in his bed in the kitchen. Benji doesn't like to be moved once he's comfortable so as carefully as I could, I lifted him up, put the heating pad in his bed, and put him back, hoping he'd feel the heat and just go back to sleep. I went to bed.
Well, I woke up a few hours later, and of course, Benji was in his bed in the living room. And his kitchen bed was nice and warm. I swear, that dog . . . I love him to bits and pieces but sometimes he drives me nuts. So I turned off the heating pad and went back to bed.
I woke up again when Jerbs was getting ready for work, and I decided to go check on Benji, and this time, he was asleep in his kitchen bed. I snuck up and turned on the heating pad, and when I got up later, Benji was still in bed and looked like he hadn't moved. He already looks like he's walking a little more comfortably. And it's good to know that he'll keep warm at night.
Benji's always had an issue with staying warm at night because he's tiny and has absolutely no body fat. When I lived alone with him he had his own blanket on my bed, and I'd cover him up with it when we went to bed, but he'd always crawl out from under it. I think I've only ever seen him stay under covers 3 or 4 times in the years I've had him. Silly dog.
I think his favorite thing ever was when Jerbs moved in with us. At that point she and I were a couple so we shared a bed, and he used to sleep between us. Pretty sure that was the highlight of Benji's life as far as warm sleep goes, haha.
12.02.2012
Sentimental Sunday: Childhood TV
I'm one of those people who firmly believes that TV and books for kids were a lot better when I was little than they are now. Especially TV, because really, you kinda can't beat 90's children's/YA shows. Not that I watched a lot of TV, and my parents definitely didn't use it as a babysitter. I think it's fun to look back on what used to be on TV when I was younger, so here are my favorites.
Early Childhood
--Eureka's Castle. Loved it.
--David the Gnome. This is probably my favorite of all of them.
--The Lil' Bits. I remember begging my Uncle J to watch this with me when he came to visit us once.
--The Snoozles. All through elementary school, junior high, and high school, I never met anyone else who remembered this show, and got a lot of crazy looks when I brought it up. Then senior year Jerbs and I were talking and she mentioned it, and I was so excited. To this day she's the only other person who remembers it that I've met. Anyone else?
--Mya the Bee.
--Maple Town. My other favorite. I remember watching this one with my dad, but it's another one that no one else seems to remember.
--My Little Pony. I know very few girls my age who didn't watch My Little Pony when we were kids. I love that it's coming back now. Austin is fascinated by MLP, and Jerbs watches the new episode every Saturday after she gets off work.
This was before the Disney Channel was a part of basic cable, so we didn't have it. But every now and then they'd do a "preview weekend" and we'd have Disney for a couple days. Whenever we did, we'd watch The Gummy Bears. Great show, and I can still sing the theme song.
I have never in my life watched an episode of Sesame Street or Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Those just weren't ones that we watched at our house.
Older Childhood
--Full House. This was an absolute must see did not miss an episode show. Every Friday evening my aunt came over to watch it with me, my mom, and my sisters, and we made an evening of it. As a kid I wanted to be just like DJ Tanner, haha.
--Doug. Enough said.
--Hey Arnold!
--Aaah Real Monsters. This was Jerbs' favorite.
--Are You Afraid of the Dark? I was obsessed with this show, because I loved ghost stories as a kid. My sister (Jenny) and I never missed an episode. A couple years ago I downloaded the first season and Jerbs, Corey, and I watched it. It was so much fun! There are still a couple of episodes of that show that creep me out when I think about them.
--RoundHouse. Very few other people watched this and it wasn't on very long. It was kind of a musical variety/sketch show that was kind of replaced by All That once it went off the air.
--Clarissa Explains It All. I've been told I look like Melissa Joan Hart . . . which I don't see.
--The Secret World of Alex Mack. My mom was the biggest fan of this show in our house.
--Space Cases. I'm pretty sure I'm one of about 3 people who actually liked and consistently watched this show, but holy cow, I loved it.
--Double Dare & Legends of the Hidden Temple. The staple Nick game shows, in my opinion.
--The Tomorrow People. This one was probably closer to teenage years for me.
Early Childhood
--Eureka's Castle. Loved it.
--David the Gnome. This is probably my favorite of all of them.
--The Lil' Bits. I remember begging my Uncle J to watch this with me when he came to visit us once.
--The Snoozles. All through elementary school, junior high, and high school, I never met anyone else who remembered this show, and got a lot of crazy looks when I brought it up. Then senior year Jerbs and I were talking and she mentioned it, and I was so excited. To this day she's the only other person who remembers it that I've met. Anyone else?
--Mya the Bee.
--Maple Town. My other favorite. I remember watching this one with my dad, but it's another one that no one else seems to remember.
--My Little Pony. I know very few girls my age who didn't watch My Little Pony when we were kids. I love that it's coming back now. Austin is fascinated by MLP, and Jerbs watches the new episode every Saturday after she gets off work.
This was before the Disney Channel was a part of basic cable, so we didn't have it. But every now and then they'd do a "preview weekend" and we'd have Disney for a couple days. Whenever we did, we'd watch The Gummy Bears. Great show, and I can still sing the theme song.
I have never in my life watched an episode of Sesame Street or Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Those just weren't ones that we watched at our house.
Older Childhood
--Full House. This was an absolute must see did not miss an episode show. Every Friday evening my aunt came over to watch it with me, my mom, and my sisters, and we made an evening of it. As a kid I wanted to be just like DJ Tanner, haha.
--Doug. Enough said.
--Hey Arnold!
--Aaah Real Monsters. This was Jerbs' favorite.
--Are You Afraid of the Dark? I was obsessed with this show, because I loved ghost stories as a kid. My sister (Jenny) and I never missed an episode. A couple years ago I downloaded the first season and Jerbs, Corey, and I watched it. It was so much fun! There are still a couple of episodes of that show that creep me out when I think about them.
--RoundHouse. Very few other people watched this and it wasn't on very long. It was kind of a musical variety/sketch show that was kind of replaced by All That once it went off the air.
--Clarissa Explains It All. I've been told I look like Melissa Joan Hart . . . which I don't see.
--The Secret World of Alex Mack. My mom was the biggest fan of this show in our house.
--Space Cases. I'm pretty sure I'm one of about 3 people who actually liked and consistently watched this show, but holy cow, I loved it.
--Double Dare & Legends of the Hidden Temple. The staple Nick game shows, in my opinion.
--The Tomorrow People. This one was probably closer to teenage years for me.
12.01.2012
You Call This December?
It's officially December. And you would not really think that looking out the window here.
Normally by now we have snow. And a decent amount of it. And even if we don't have much snow it's freezing cold.
But we haven't had snow since that one random day in November. And it hasn't been too cold except at night. Looking at the ten day forecast there's nothing but sunny or partly cloudy days, and highs in the 60's.
It's SO weird. I've been thinking a lot of summer lately and I think this is why--because it really doesn't feel like winter here.
Normally I'd find this lack of winteriness super depressing, but this year, I'm actually kind of glad, because I think the not so wintery weather is keeping me sane.
To me, winter means Christmas. And Christmas, at the moment, is basically ruined for me, because of Corey. And ever since we broke up I have dreaded winter and snow and Christmas and all of that. And yes, Christmas is pretty much everywhere but at least I can ignore it.
Normally by now we have snow. And a decent amount of it. And even if we don't have much snow it's freezing cold.
But we haven't had snow since that one random day in November. And it hasn't been too cold except at night. Looking at the ten day forecast there's nothing but sunny or partly cloudy days, and highs in the 60's.
It's SO weird. I've been thinking a lot of summer lately and I think this is why--because it really doesn't feel like winter here.
Normally I'd find this lack of winteriness super depressing, but this year, I'm actually kind of glad, because I think the not so wintery weather is keeping me sane.
To me, winter means Christmas. And Christmas, at the moment, is basically ruined for me, because of Corey. And ever since we broke up I have dreaded winter and snow and Christmas and all of that. And yes, Christmas is pretty much everywhere but at least I can ignore it.
Blah With A Side Of Strange Thoughts
I've been feeling blah lately. I think a good chunk of it is being unemployed. I've filled out about 5 applications this week and sent my resume to one place so hopefully something will come along soon. I just hate it. I feel like a loser and that, in turn, makes me not want to do anything except check Facebook, blog stalk, and watch DWTS clips on YouTube. Then, only doing those things with my day makes me feel even more like a loser so . . . vicious cycle.
Speaking of cycles, my sleep schedule is beyond screwed up right now. It started a few nights ago when I got hit with a bad night of insomnia. Like didn't go to bed til 6 AM bad. I've tried to get it back on track by taking a sleeping pill to go to bed early, but that didn't even work. Which is strange because usually sleeping pills knock me out. I think it's because of the bed situation. I'm still sleeping on the floor and it pretty much sucks. It wasn't so bad at first but now . . . not so much. I go in Jerbs' bed when she leaves for work, but since that's early morning, I basically have to sleep til early evening to feel rested, y'know? Jenny offers to trade beds with me on other nights and a couple times I've accepted, but I think I have a mental block about it--like I think I feel guilty sleeping in her bed while she sleeps on the floor. Hopefully I'll find a cheap bed soon. Of course then there's an issue of transportation since you can't really bring a mattress and box spring on the bus . . . guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Another issue is that I can't seem to get rested with a normal amount of sleep . . . I used to be good on 6 hours, 8 at the most . . . now I seem to need at least ten to be even remotely ready to move. (This could be a bed thing, again, because honestly I've never had a decent bed up here in Flag . . . so that could be it).
I also have a habit of worrying about things back home that's been kicking up lately. When either of my parents calls me and is having a bad day it's all I can think about for awhile . . . just me, I guess, because I've always done that. And ultimately, I know that things could be a lot worse.
So basically I took this past week off. I didn't do any laundry or clean the house or really much of anything. Just some job apps and I started working on a short story. That's about it. I would really like to kick my ass into gear this coming week and at least accomplish something--like getting the house clean and working out.
---------------
I love Dancing With the Stars--which I've mentioned on here before--but when Corey and I moved to Kingman, we didn't get cable. Corey didn't really see the point of it and since he was the one paying for all of that kind of stuff, I didn't fight him on it. Eventually we got NetFlix but never cable. So I missed two seasons of DWTS. Well, most of 2 seasons, since every now and then I'd catch an episode at my mom's. So I've been watching dances from the seasons I missed online.
I was watching a clip of the season before last's group dances, and there were some parts that were vaguely familiar. Then I noticed that the original air date was Halloween 2011. And it hit me that it had been on at my mom's house last Halloween, and that I'd been watching it in between handing out candy with Corey. And I just . . . I remembered that night. With him.
If it had happened a month ago, I'd have cried. Or at least felt nostalgic and lonely and like something was missing from my life. And I'd have wondered if I should call Corey and blah blah blah. But I really didn't feel that. (In fact, I watched the dancers and thought, damn, that Irish one is hot).
11.30.2012
Strange Thoughts
When Ex-Fiance and I first broke up, and I was telling people, almost everyone said that they were sorry and were sure we'd work it out.
Except Jeff. Jeff, the books manager at the Kingman Hastings, said to me: "It's all right. One day you'll wake up and he won't matter anymore and you'll stop thinking about him."
I remember thinking, at the time, that that was BS.
But now I'm not so sure.
I feel like I've changed almost overnight. I don't know how to put it in words but I don't really feel like I used to . . . but at the same time I still don't feel ready to actually let go.
I'm tired. I'll elaborate later.
Except Jeff. Jeff, the books manager at the Kingman Hastings, said to me: "It's all right. One day you'll wake up and he won't matter anymore and you'll stop thinking about him."
I remember thinking, at the time, that that was BS.
But now I'm not so sure.
I feel like I've changed almost overnight. I don't know how to put it in words but I don't really feel like I used to . . . but at the same time I still don't feel ready to actually let go.
I'm tired. I'll elaborate later.
11.29.2012
Thankful Thursday: Last One!
One more Thankful Thursday for this year.
I'm thankful for my blog. I know that sounds weird, but it's been a huge help in getting better. It's nice to have a place to record my progress as well as just record my life at the moment. I blogged all through college and for a few years after, and I've almost always kept a diary--but over the past couple years as I got sick I pretty much stopped. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
I'm also thankful for being better. I never imagined I'd actually get to a point where I believed I was better, and it's so awesome.
I'm thankful for my blog. I know that sounds weird, but it's been a huge help in getting better. It's nice to have a place to record my progress as well as just record my life at the moment. I blogged all through college and for a few years after, and I've almost always kept a diary--but over the past couple years as I got sick I pretty much stopped. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
I'm also thankful for being better. I never imagined I'd actually get to a point where I believed I was better, and it's so awesome.
11.27.2012
Confessions & Some Self Shaming
For the past week or so, I have felt compelled to think about, in great detail, some of my worst behavior during my relationship with Ex-Fiance. Some of the meanest and most ridiculous things I said and did to him that ultimately contributed to our relationship ending.
I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement. I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again. And I think I finally have. I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes. And it's not pleasant. Not in the least. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there. To get it off my chest. Let people know that I'm horrible. I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes. The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
--------------------
If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment. He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no. (This got better once we lived together but still).
Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink. And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.
Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.
I routinely made plans to leave him in my head. When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her. Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.
When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom). Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.
Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin. All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything. I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was. I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.
When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it. I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him. Just ignore his calls and texts altogether. There really was never a reason for it.
I'd say nasty things online about him. Specifically on Twitter. I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.
The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home. And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.
There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down. Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
--------------------
Yep. That was me. That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day. I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did. We definitely definitely did. But still, I was never very good.
There really is no excuse for all of that behavior. I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better. Not that that is in any way a defense.
What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person. I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way. I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.
And I can say, too, that I'm better now. That I am profoundly different from who I was then. Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way. My thought processes are not remotely the same. Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then. With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better. I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind. It's amazing.
I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship. I really do. And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.
Either way, I will use this as a learning experience. What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help. I've learned not to take love for granted.
And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.
And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself. And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy. That's the most important thing, I think. Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.
I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement. I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again. And I think I finally have. I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes. And it's not pleasant. Not in the least. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there. To get it off my chest. Let people know that I'm horrible. I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes. The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
--------------------
If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment. He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no. (This got better once we lived together but still).
Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink. And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.
Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.
I routinely made plans to leave him in my head. When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her. Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.
When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom). Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.
Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin. All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything. I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was. I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.
When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it. I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him. Just ignore his calls and texts altogether. There really was never a reason for it.
I'd say nasty things online about him. Specifically on Twitter. I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.
The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home. And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.
There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down. Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
--------------------
Yep. That was me. That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day. I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did. We definitely definitely did. But still, I was never very good.
There really is no excuse for all of that behavior. I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better. Not that that is in any way a defense.
What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person. I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way. I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.
And I can say, too, that I'm better now. That I am profoundly different from who I was then. Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way. My thought processes are not remotely the same. Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then. With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better. I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind. It's amazing.
I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship. I really do. And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.
Either way, I will use this as a learning experience. What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help. I've learned not to take love for granted.
And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.
And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself. And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy. That's the most important thing, I think. Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.
11.26.2012
So . . .
My phone has a flashlight. A real flashlight like Jerbs' phone does. This might actually be my favorite thing about the new phone. Because I'm a dork.
I updated my resume so it has my new number on it. Woohoo job applications.
I realized that this is the first new, good phone I've had since Corey broke my old one. (Long story there but he snapped it in half. I sorta deserved it). That was last summer and in the time since I've had just hand me down phones from his family and from Jerbs. I love that I have something that's just mine now.
Also, in non phone related news, the other night Jerbs and I were at the mall and I told her I felt kind of losery. (I was having a bad day). She said to me, "Jessica, you're not a loser. You're just tired." It was hilarious, and I want to remember it.
I updated my resume so it has my new number on it. Woohoo job applications.
I realized that this is the first new, good phone I've had since Corey broke my old one. (Long story there but he snapped it in half. I sorta deserved it). That was last summer and in the time since I've had just hand me down phones from his family and from Jerbs. I love that I have something that's just mine now.
Also, in non phone related news, the other night Jerbs and I were at the mall and I told her I felt kind of losery. (I was having a bad day). She said to me, "Jessica, you're not a loser. You're just tired." It was hilarious, and I want to remember it.
11.25.2012
New Phone + Jerbs Is A Genius
Let's start at the very beginning of this story.
When Jerbs and I cleaned her dining table off for Thanksgiving, she found two Best Buy giftcards for $10 each that she got last Christmas. She gave them to me because she doesn't shop at Best Buy and I was like cool, free twenty bucks!
Then we started discussing what to do about my phone problem and we decided the best thing was probably just to get me my own cell phone. Nothing fancy, just a prepaid no contract one. We looked at ones at WalMart and then it occurred to me that I could use the Best Buy giftcards for a new phone.
So last night I was looking at phones on Best Buy's website. I really, really liked one that was on sale for $19.99 (regular price of $39.99). I checked online and it was in stock at the local store and I was pretty stoked. But then I double checked and it turned out that the $19.99 price was a Black Friday deal and only good until midnight last night--which meant that by the time I made it to the store it was going to be full price. I was bummed.
And here's where the genius of Jerbs comes in. She looked at the website and pointed out that they do in store pick up for stuff you buy online, and that since the store had it in stock we'd be able to pick it up the next day. So we bought the phone online before the sale ended and chose store pick up. Jerbs was worried that they might not accept the giftcards for prepaid mobile but they did. The difference was like $1.88, so for about two dollars, I got a phone!
We went to pick it up this evening after Jerbs got off work and Theresa happened to be working, so we got to see her for a little while. She also sent us to one of her co-workers who does the mobile phone stuff, and this girl activated my phone for me and got me all set up. It was pretty awesome! I walked out of the store with my phone fully functional and super happy with the service we got.
All in all good times. I really love my new phone and I'm glad to have a working phone again. Like really, really glad.
I think that this was the best way to go. Right now I'm on the pay by day plan and once I get a job I'll switch to the monthly plan (unlimited talk, text, and data/web stuff for $50). I'm hoping that'll be able to happen soon! And I needed to get my own phone anyway. My old phone/number is the one that I got with Corey--so it's part of our shared plan. When I moved he let me stay on it and offered to keep paying for it on the condition that when it was time to renew the contract in March 2013, I'd get my own plan. So . . . it just happened a little earlier than expected.
When Jerbs and I cleaned her dining table off for Thanksgiving, she found two Best Buy giftcards for $10 each that she got last Christmas. She gave them to me because she doesn't shop at Best Buy and I was like cool, free twenty bucks!
Then we started discussing what to do about my phone problem and we decided the best thing was probably just to get me my own cell phone. Nothing fancy, just a prepaid no contract one. We looked at ones at WalMart and then it occurred to me that I could use the Best Buy giftcards for a new phone.
So last night I was looking at phones on Best Buy's website. I really, really liked one that was on sale for $19.99 (regular price of $39.99). I checked online and it was in stock at the local store and I was pretty stoked. But then I double checked and it turned out that the $19.99 price was a Black Friday deal and only good until midnight last night--which meant that by the time I made it to the store it was going to be full price. I was bummed.
And here's where the genius of Jerbs comes in. She looked at the website and pointed out that they do in store pick up for stuff you buy online, and that since the store had it in stock we'd be able to pick it up the next day. So we bought the phone online before the sale ended and chose store pick up. Jerbs was worried that they might not accept the giftcards for prepaid mobile but they did. The difference was like $1.88, so for about two dollars, I got a phone!
We went to pick it up this evening after Jerbs got off work and Theresa happened to be working, so we got to see her for a little while. She also sent us to one of her co-workers who does the mobile phone stuff, and this girl activated my phone for me and got me all set up. It was pretty awesome! I walked out of the store with my phone fully functional and super happy with the service we got.
All in all good times. I really love my new phone and I'm glad to have a working phone again. Like really, really glad.
I think that this was the best way to go. Right now I'm on the pay by day plan and once I get a job I'll switch to the monthly plan (unlimited talk, text, and data/web stuff for $50). I'm hoping that'll be able to happen soon! And I needed to get my own phone anyway. My old phone/number is the one that I got with Corey--so it's part of our shared plan. When I moved he let me stay on it and offered to keep paying for it on the condition that when it was time to renew the contract in March 2013, I'd get my own plan. So . . . it just happened a little earlier than expected.
Six Months & An Evaluation
Today it's been six months since Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married.
--------------------
I remember that moment very well. What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it. It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened. I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it. As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight. I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken. I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance. I felt so lost and so . . . out of place. The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing. I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me. I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before. Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there. The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
--------------------
Now it's been six months. Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.
There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long. For half of a year, I've been single. It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again. I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.
So six months in, how am I doing?
Surprisingly well. I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff. I thought I'd be a complete mess. I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.
But that hasn't been the case.
I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature. I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds. I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another. I've worked out. I've written two short stories. I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life. And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it. I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.
I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago. Mentally, I'm night and day. I am so much healthier now. SO much healthier. I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now. I'm just so much more at home in my own mind. I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years. It's amazing. And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that. Because what I have needed all along was just to get better. I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here. Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely. But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.
Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it. I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better. I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people. And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself. I really am.
The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be. But the thing is, I'm OK with that now. I feel like that's DOABLE. I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose. Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it. Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it. But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
--------------------
So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?
In short, I still love him. I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.
I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried. I still hope for that. I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does. And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
--------------------
At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.
--------------------
I remember that moment very well. What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it. It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened. I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it. As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight. I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken. I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance. I felt so lost and so . . . out of place. The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing. I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me. I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before. Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there. The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
--------------------
Now it's been six months. Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.
There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long. For half of a year, I've been single. It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again. I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.
So six months in, how am I doing?
Surprisingly well. I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff. I thought I'd be a complete mess. I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.
But that hasn't been the case.
I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature. I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds. I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another. I've worked out. I've written two short stories. I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life. And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it. I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.
I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago. Mentally, I'm night and day. I am so much healthier now. SO much healthier. I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now. I'm just so much more at home in my own mind. I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years. It's amazing. And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that. Because what I have needed all along was just to get better. I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here. Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely. But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.
Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it. I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better. I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people. And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself. I really am.
The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be. But the thing is, I'm OK with that now. I feel like that's DOABLE. I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose. Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it. Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it. But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
--------------------
So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?
In short, I still love him. I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.
I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried. I still hope for that. I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does. And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
--------------------
At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.
11.24.2012
Lately
I finally admitted defeat in the air bed battle. I deflated the bed and now I'm just sleeping on the floor on top of it. It's actually not too bad. I sleep for longer chunks of time because I don't wake up every 20 minutes needing to re-inflate the stupid thing, and it's kind of a relief to know I'm not bugging the neighbors with the sound of the inflating or anything. Most mornings I wake up when Jerbs leaves and I go in her bed for a few hours, which is always nice. At this point I'm just keeping my eyes out for a good deal on a mattress/box spring set.
--------------------
I've been having phone issues for about a week now. Like, my phone won't let me make calls (when I try it tells me calls aren't allowed from this line), it won't accept calls (when people call me they hear that this person is not currently accepting calls), and I can't send or receive texts. I have no clue what's going on but based on googling it could be my SIM card. This is especially annoying because in the past two weeks I've filled out a ton of job applications and if anyone tries to call the number I gave, they won't be able to reach me. Blech. Still not really sure what I'm going to do about this one. Probably just get a prepaid no contract phone to replace it.
--------------------
Adam, Jenny's best friend from college, was out visiting from Florida on Friday. He and Jenny spent the day together and then he spent the night in our living room. Well, I took Benji in the bedroom with me so that he wouldn't bother Adam, and he cuddled up and slept next to me on the floor. It was so sweet, and it made me think of how he used to sleep with me every single night. I love that little dog.
---------------------
I've been biting my nails again lately. I have no idea why, because I was doing so well not biting them. Weird. And a little disappointing.
---------------------
I have fallen in love with this long haired cat who's up for adoption at PetSmart. He's beautiful and if Jerbs weren't allergic he'd already be here with me, and his name would be Duke Orsino.
---------------------
Remember how I talked about missing the deadline for that short short story contest? I was really bummed about that but then I got an email from Writers Digest saying they extended the deadline til December 17th! That doesn't give me much time BUT I think I can come up with at least one entry for it--especially since that weird depressive funk is gone.
----------------------
Really, really hoping I start getting calls from jobs soon. I'm sick of being unemployed already and I'm ready to go back to work and make money. I'm already making plans for saving and whatnot and I'm excited to get started on those. All I want is to be able to support myself, really, so hopefully something comes through soon.
--------------------
I've been having phone issues for about a week now. Like, my phone won't let me make calls (when I try it tells me calls aren't allowed from this line), it won't accept calls (when people call me they hear that this person is not currently accepting calls), and I can't send or receive texts. I have no clue what's going on but based on googling it could be my SIM card. This is especially annoying because in the past two weeks I've filled out a ton of job applications and if anyone tries to call the number I gave, they won't be able to reach me. Blech. Still not really sure what I'm going to do about this one. Probably just get a prepaid no contract phone to replace it.
--------------------
Adam, Jenny's best friend from college, was out visiting from Florida on Friday. He and Jenny spent the day together and then he spent the night in our living room. Well, I took Benji in the bedroom with me so that he wouldn't bother Adam, and he cuddled up and slept next to me on the floor. It was so sweet, and it made me think of how he used to sleep with me every single night. I love that little dog.
---------------------
I've been biting my nails again lately. I have no idea why, because I was doing so well not biting them. Weird. And a little disappointing.
---------------------
I have fallen in love with this long haired cat who's up for adoption at PetSmart. He's beautiful and if Jerbs weren't allergic he'd already be here with me, and his name would be Duke Orsino.
---------------------
Remember how I talked about missing the deadline for that short short story contest? I was really bummed about that but then I got an email from Writers Digest saying they extended the deadline til December 17th! That doesn't give me much time BUT I think I can come up with at least one entry for it--especially since that weird depressive funk is gone.
----------------------
Really, really hoping I start getting calls from jobs soon. I'm sick of being unemployed already and I'm ready to go back to work and make money. I'm already making plans for saving and whatnot and I'm excited to get started on those. All I want is to be able to support myself, really, so hopefully something comes through soon.
11.22.2012
Thanksgiving With Jerbs
Today I spent Thanksgiving with Jerbs.
It was a beautiful, beautiful day out--sunny and warmish, with a few white clouds in the sky. Really just perfect weather.
We cooked beef stew in our slow cooker for our Thanksgiving dinner, since neither of us really wanted to invest in a turkey and it was just the two of us anyway. We took a walk through the woods, to the gas station for snacks and drinks, since it was open. We watched the rerun of the Macy's parade. We ate our stew and Jerbs made pumpkin bars for dessert.
All in all not a bad day.
I never, ever would have thought I'd spend another Thanksgiving with Jerbs. Last Thanksgiving, I wouldn't have pictured this as where I'd be a year later.
I thought I'd be a mess today. I really did. I was sure I wouldn't do well, thinking of . . . well, you know. And yeah, I've had a few bad moments where my mind has wandered to Corey and wondered what he's doing and if he's thinking of me, but I've actually done SO MUCH BETTER than I thought I'd do.
I'm amazed. Because really, I've just been . . . happy today.
I really.am.getting.better. I am so thankful for that. I'll probably write more about it later.
For now, I'm going to go play video games with Jerbs.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
It was a beautiful, beautiful day out--sunny and warmish, with a few white clouds in the sky. Really just perfect weather.
We cooked beef stew in our slow cooker for our Thanksgiving dinner, since neither of us really wanted to invest in a turkey and it was just the two of us anyway. We took a walk through the woods, to the gas station for snacks and drinks, since it was open. We watched the rerun of the Macy's parade. We ate our stew and Jerbs made pumpkin bars for dessert.
All in all not a bad day.
I never, ever would have thought I'd spend another Thanksgiving with Jerbs. Last Thanksgiving, I wouldn't have pictured this as where I'd be a year later.
I thought I'd be a mess today. I really did. I was sure I wouldn't do well, thinking of . . . well, you know. And yeah, I've had a few bad moments where my mind has wandered to Corey and wondered what he's doing and if he's thinking of me, but I've actually done SO MUCH BETTER than I thought I'd do.
I'm amazed. Because really, I've just been . . . happy today.
I really.am.getting.better. I am so thankful for that. I'll probably write more about it later.
For now, I'm going to go play video games with Jerbs.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Thankful Thursday: Miscellaneous
I'm thankful for psychiatric medication. I know that sounds like a bad joke this time of year but it's true. Without the medication I take, I would be exactly where I was 3 years ago, and even though my life is far, far from perfect, I know I'm better off now than I was then. And I'm not just thankful for the drugs. I'm also thankful that I live in a time and a place where there are people who can test for and diagnose what I have. I'm thankful that what I have has been extensively researched and therefore has a known treatment.
I'm thankful that even without insurance I have a family and friends who've all pitched in to get me the help I've needed.
I'm thankful for my education, and I wouldn't change it. I think education is always a good thing. And even though right now, no, I'm not using my degree in a particular job, I'm still glad to have it. And I have no doubt that once I'm back on my feet (and probably out of AZ) I'll be able to put it to very good use. Even if I spend the rest of my life in an unrelated career, I studied something I love, and I'm not sorry for that. Not in the least.
I'm thankful for Jerbs' cats, Irene and Ilya, and of course for Benji. They just make life better and I'm glad to have pets.
I'm thankful for the bus system. If I had a choice I'd have a car, no question, but if the bus system didn't exist I'd be screwed. And I really don't mind taking the bus. Sometimes it's inconvenient but still, better than some alternatives. And there are some really fantastic bus drivers we get to meet, and that makes it OK.
I'm thankful for the diversity of the people I know, both in real life and through blogging. I have friends who are Mormons and friends who are anarchists and friends who are Christians, I have married friends and single friends and widowed friends and divorced friends, I have friends who struggle with infertility and friends who have 5 kids, I have friends who are politically conservative and friends who are politically liberal, I have friends who are gay and straight and trans . . . and it amazes me. I'm grateful for all of the different views and ideas and lifestyles I've been exposed to through my friends. So whoever you're are, if you're reading this, keep doin' what you're doin', because you're awesome for it.
I'm thankful that even without insurance I have a family and friends who've all pitched in to get me the help I've needed.
I'm thankful for my education, and I wouldn't change it. I think education is always a good thing. And even though right now, no, I'm not using my degree in a particular job, I'm still glad to have it. And I have no doubt that once I'm back on my feet (and probably out of AZ) I'll be able to put it to very good use. Even if I spend the rest of my life in an unrelated career, I studied something I love, and I'm not sorry for that. Not in the least.
I'm thankful for Jerbs' cats, Irene and Ilya, and of course for Benji. They just make life better and I'm glad to have pets.
I'm thankful for the bus system. If I had a choice I'd have a car, no question, but if the bus system didn't exist I'd be screwed. And I really don't mind taking the bus. Sometimes it's inconvenient but still, better than some alternatives. And there are some really fantastic bus drivers we get to meet, and that makes it OK.
I'm thankful for the diversity of the people I know, both in real life and through blogging. I have friends who are Mormons and friends who are anarchists and friends who are Christians, I have married friends and single friends and widowed friends and divorced friends, I have friends who struggle with infertility and friends who have 5 kids, I have friends who are politically conservative and friends who are politically liberal, I have friends who are gay and straight and trans . . . and it amazes me. I'm grateful for all of the different views and ideas and lifestyles I've been exposed to through my friends. So whoever you're are, if you're reading this, keep doin' what you're doin', because you're awesome for it.
11.20.2012
Weigh In # 10
So basically I've still been sucking at the whole diet thing.
BUT I wanted to write this week because I'm feeling a lot better mentally and a lot more motivated to get back on track.
In fact, last night, I went and worked out! I sucked it up and bundled up and walked my ass to the workout room. I only did 20 minutes (and that was plenty) but . . . gotta start somewhere. As bad as it felt, it also felt good . . . that sounds completely illogical but it's actually not.
So here's to getting back on track. Thank God I'm finally getting to that point!
BUT I wanted to write this week because I'm feeling a lot better mentally and a lot more motivated to get back on track.
In fact, last night, I went and worked out! I sucked it up and bundled up and walked my ass to the workout room. I only did 20 minutes (and that was plenty) but . . . gotta start somewhere. As bad as it felt, it also felt good . . . that sounds completely illogical but it's actually not.
So here's to getting back on track. Thank God I'm finally getting to that point!
11.18.2012
Sentimental Sunday: Dumb Stuff My Mom Has Said
I love my mom. I really do. I love her to bits and pieces and I think she's amazing.
BUT my mom is one of those people who occasionally speaks without thinking, which means that over the years she's said some things that sound pretty . . . well, dumb. And we like to give her crap for it. Because what kind of family wouldn't?
For the record, the teasing is always good natured, and my mom laughs at herself right along with us. Plus, this is a trait she definitely passed on to me . . . lucky for me, huh? I could probably write a book of all the dumb crap I've said.
But my favorite Mom ones are just enough for a blog post.
---------------
Once, in high school, she picked me and a classmate up from marching band practice. It was dark out and as we were driving my classmate home, my mom suddenly says, "Y'know, if it were daytime, I could see a lot better." There was a moment of silence, and then my mom started laughing because she realized what she'd said.
---------------
One summer my mom took my sisters and I to the mall in Laughlin to shop for school clothes. Since it's Laughlin, the main part of the mall parking lot is lined with palm trees, and almost every parking space is under one. Apparently my mom didn't notice when we drove in, because as we parked, she said, "Girls, remember, we parked under a palm tree."
----------------
Once we were playing Scene It, and the game was where there were two pictures and you had to guess a movie title based on the pictures. This particular one had a picture of the solar system, and then a traffic jam. The answer was Space Jam, and while we were all thinking about, my mom suddenly blurted out, "PLANET TRAFFIC?" Cuz y'know . . . planet traffic is totally a movie. It was hilarious.
---------------
This one is probably my favorite. When I was 16, my parents bought me a car. Nothing fancy, just a 1984 Chevy Cavalier that they bought off a friend for $250. (I LOVED that car). Well, when we first got it, the power steering wasn't working well, and since I only had my permit, my parents were iffy about letting me drive it. One night I convinced my mom to let me drive, and we went to Sonic, because we could get there on the back roads. My mom drove there but said I could drive back. After we'd ordered ice cream and were ready to leave, we switched seats. I went to adjust the rear view mirror, and . . . it came off the windshield. Like, just snapped off. It was so random. And I gasped, and my mom, who had been watching the whole thing, asked what happened. I said, "It came off!" When I said that, I was holding the mirror in my hand. My mother's response? "Are you serious?"
BUT my mom is one of those people who occasionally speaks without thinking, which means that over the years she's said some things that sound pretty . . . well, dumb. And we like to give her crap for it. Because what kind of family wouldn't?
For the record, the teasing is always good natured, and my mom laughs at herself right along with us. Plus, this is a trait she definitely passed on to me . . . lucky for me, huh? I could probably write a book of all the dumb crap I've said.
But my favorite Mom ones are just enough for a blog post.
---------------
Once, in high school, she picked me and a classmate up from marching band practice. It was dark out and as we were driving my classmate home, my mom suddenly says, "Y'know, if it were daytime, I could see a lot better." There was a moment of silence, and then my mom started laughing because she realized what she'd said.
---------------
One summer my mom took my sisters and I to the mall in Laughlin to shop for school clothes. Since it's Laughlin, the main part of the mall parking lot is lined with palm trees, and almost every parking space is under one. Apparently my mom didn't notice when we drove in, because as we parked, she said, "Girls, remember, we parked under a palm tree."
----------------
Once we were playing Scene It, and the game was where there were two pictures and you had to guess a movie title based on the pictures. This particular one had a picture of the solar system, and then a traffic jam. The answer was Space Jam, and while we were all thinking about, my mom suddenly blurted out, "PLANET TRAFFIC?" Cuz y'know . . . planet traffic is totally a movie. It was hilarious.
---------------
This one is probably my favorite. When I was 16, my parents bought me a car. Nothing fancy, just a 1984 Chevy Cavalier that they bought off a friend for $250. (I LOVED that car). Well, when we first got it, the power steering wasn't working well, and since I only had my permit, my parents were iffy about letting me drive it. One night I convinced my mom to let me drive, and we went to Sonic, because we could get there on the back roads. My mom drove there but said I could drive back. After we'd ordered ice cream and were ready to leave, we switched seats. I went to adjust the rear view mirror, and . . . it came off the windshield. Like, just snapped off. It was so random. And I gasped, and my mom, who had been watching the whole thing, asked what happened. I said, "It came off!" When I said that, I was holding the mirror in my hand. My mother's response? "Are you serious?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)