It makes me feel pretty dang pathetic but I put a donation button on my blog.
I hate asking anyone for money but my situation is getting . . . well, worse and worse, and at this point I just need to get back into treatment, whatever it takes.
So if you're interested in helping, you can donate to me via PayPal, and the money will all go towards my treatment--and nothing else, I promise.
8.05.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
I know that right now, I am not in a place where I can or should be in a relationship with anyone. I know that it was that way for a good chunk throughout our relationship. And I'm sorry for that.
But I did and do love you very, very much--I have since our first date. And I believe there really is something between us.
And even though I'm not "relationship material" right now, I know that at some point, soon, I will be. Someday I will be completely healthy enough to be in a relationship again.
So I guess I'm trying to say please wait for me. Please don't look for anyone else, please don't find someone else. I know that you miss me and that you still care about me, and my gut feeling is that you still love me--so please wait for me. I know it would be worth it for both of us, because we are good together. And you said once that I was worth waiting for, so I hope you think that still.
That's all I'm asking of you. And I know it's a lot but after everything between us I think I deserve this, y'know?
Love,
Jessica
PS And if you're planning to wait for me . . . it wouldn't kill either of us for you to, y'know, tell me that.
I know that right now, I am not in a place where I can or should be in a relationship with anyone. I know that it was that way for a good chunk throughout our relationship. And I'm sorry for that.
But I did and do love you very, very much--I have since our first date. And I believe there really is something between us.
And even though I'm not "relationship material" right now, I know that at some point, soon, I will be. Someday I will be completely healthy enough to be in a relationship again.
So I guess I'm trying to say please wait for me. Please don't look for anyone else, please don't find someone else. I know that you miss me and that you still care about me, and my gut feeling is that you still love me--so please wait for me. I know it would be worth it for both of us, because we are good together. And you said once that I was worth waiting for, so I hope you think that still.
That's all I'm asking of you. And I know it's a lot but after everything between us I think I deserve this, y'know?
Love,
Jessica
PS And if you're planning to wait for me . . . it wouldn't kill either of us for you to, y'know, tell me that.
8.04.2012
Struggle
Sometimes I feel like living my life is a huge chore.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living moment by moment. Like in my head I'm thinking, it's ok, focus, get through the next 10 minutes. Then the next 10 minutes and the next and the next.
It blows. I feel a lot like I did a couple years ago when just being awake didn't feel right. When I wondered everyday what I was going to do and why, when everything I did came with these thoughts of what will I do once I'm finished with this? What then what then what then what then?
It's miserable. I'm miserable.
I want to see Ex-Fiance so badly. I hate being apart. I'm done with it. Like I've said before I don't necessarily expect to move back to Kingman right away or anything like that; all I want to know is that he's still committed to me. That he's not looking for someone else and that he still wants to be with me.
I have never been so unhappy. I hate feeling this way. Most mornings I wake up and immediately I either just feel awful and want to cry or I feel full of rage and want to kick and throw and break things. But I know I can't . . . mostly because nothing here is mine and it would be highly inappropriate to break Jerbs' things. So yeah, I feel like I have no outlet for the rage and there's nothing I can do to control it. I have felt this way before--I used to feel this way everyday. In fact I felt this way everyday for about 2 years.
Coming back to it now . . . I really don't understand how I did it. How I made it through, how I managed not to kill myself.
If anything, though, it's proof that even if I wasn't perfect I was still doing a lot better.
I haven't been sleeping for crap. I can't focus on anything. I feel a sort of terror when I think of really focusing on anything, which is a weird feeling--but one I'm familiar with.
I think right now a big chunk of all that is that I am completely out of Paxil. I still have some Lithium left (quite a bit, actually) but no Paxil. And it's been . . . about 2 weeks since I had a full dose of it. So no wonder I'm so fucked up right now. Tonight Jerbs bought me some St. Johns Wort so that I could at least have something in my system for the depression. So hopefully that helps because honestly, I know I won't make it through much more of feeling like this. I absolutely cannot take it.
I just want my life back. I want Ex-Fiance back. I want . . . I don't know how to put it into words but I want to LIVE and I want something that isn't this.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living moment by moment. Like in my head I'm thinking, it's ok, focus, get through the next 10 minutes. Then the next 10 minutes and the next and the next.
It blows. I feel a lot like I did a couple years ago when just being awake didn't feel right. When I wondered everyday what I was going to do and why, when everything I did came with these thoughts of what will I do once I'm finished with this? What then what then what then what then?
It's miserable. I'm miserable.
I want to see Ex-Fiance so badly. I hate being apart. I'm done with it. Like I've said before I don't necessarily expect to move back to Kingman right away or anything like that; all I want to know is that he's still committed to me. That he's not looking for someone else and that he still wants to be with me.
I have never been so unhappy. I hate feeling this way. Most mornings I wake up and immediately I either just feel awful and want to cry or I feel full of rage and want to kick and throw and break things. But I know I can't . . . mostly because nothing here is mine and it would be highly inappropriate to break Jerbs' things. So yeah, I feel like I have no outlet for the rage and there's nothing I can do to control it. I have felt this way before--I used to feel this way everyday. In fact I felt this way everyday for about 2 years.
Coming back to it now . . . I really don't understand how I did it. How I made it through, how I managed not to kill myself.
If anything, though, it's proof that even if I wasn't perfect I was still doing a lot better.
I haven't been sleeping for crap. I can't focus on anything. I feel a sort of terror when I think of really focusing on anything, which is a weird feeling--but one I'm familiar with.
I think right now a big chunk of all that is that I am completely out of Paxil. I still have some Lithium left (quite a bit, actually) but no Paxil. And it's been . . . about 2 weeks since I had a full dose of it. So no wonder I'm so fucked up right now. Tonight Jerbs bought me some St. Johns Wort so that I could at least have something in my system for the depression. So hopefully that helps because honestly, I know I won't make it through much more of feeling like this. I absolutely cannot take it.
I just want my life back. I want Ex-Fiance back. I want . . . I don't know how to put it into words but I want to LIVE and I want something that isn't this.
8.03.2012
Why I Keep Trying
One thing that's kind of been an issue for a long time is WHY I want to get better.
I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him. And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.
Very not healthy. And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.
I'm not getting better for Corey. I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it. I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit. And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.
I was shocked but in a very good way. And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.
It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him. Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him. It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.
I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding. In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted. I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.
Corey made me realize how much I wanted that. I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate. And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.
And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life. Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.
And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way. I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.
Still. I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst. Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will. And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.
I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him. And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.
Very not healthy. And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.
I'm not getting better for Corey. I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it. I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit. And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.
I was shocked but in a very good way. And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.
It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him. Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him. It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.
I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding. In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted. I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.
Corey made me realize how much I wanted that. I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate. And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.
And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life. Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.
And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way. I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.
Still. I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst. Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will. And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.
Nostalgia
I love the Flagstaff night sky.
You can see so many stars here and it's just so incredibly beautiful.
And every time I go walking late at night and look up at the stars I think of my first date with Corey, and wish I was lying with him on an inflatable raft, out in the center of Lake Mary, underneath the stars.
It's corny, I know, but true.
I loved that first date. It's been almost two years now but it still is, and always will be, one of my favorite Corey and me memories.
You can see so many stars here and it's just so incredibly beautiful.
And every time I go walking late at night and look up at the stars I think of my first date with Corey, and wish I was lying with him on an inflatable raft, out in the center of Lake Mary, underneath the stars.
It's corny, I know, but true.
I loved that first date. It's been almost two years now but it still is, and always will be, one of my favorite Corey and me memories.
8.02.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance
I'm sorry for being mean to you earlier. Really, I am. I shouldn't take it out on you. Sometimes, though, when everything starts to pile up (like no one calling me for a job and not having a car and not being able to sleep and not having any money and not being sure when I'll be able to see my psychiatrist or get my medication again) it's hard to not blame you. Like, my head will just kind of sneak in this thought that you put me here, that if you hadn't decided to be selfish and dump me I'd still be in Kingman, helping you set up your classroom and getting ready to start bells and orchestra with you again.
And I do miss that life, more than I even believe I do. I want those things back. But at the same time I know I wasn't really happy there either.
Most of that unhappiness had to do with me. I love(d) you and I was so glad to be living with you and I was looking forward to a life together but my head still never felt right. But there was so much else going on that I couldn't focus on that.
I know that this is where I need to be right now, it's just hard. I miss you. A lot.
But I still believe that we had something very good and very real between us. That connection and those feelings couldn't be fake--at least, I don't think so. And I still believe that if we take some time and if I get better we could have a really wonderful life together.
And that's what I want.
And I want to know if there is any part of you that feels the same. If there's any part of you that wants that too.
I want you to know that if that were the case--if you did want to work things out, if you did want to acknowledge that we're still committed to each other--it wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't rush back to Kingman and move back in with you or anything like that. We could just . . . talk things through, visit each other, whatever.
And I wouldn't expect to jump right back into being engaged, either. I would be content to call you my boyfriend again.
I don't even know why I'm writing all of this; it's just what's been on my mind tonight. I think there is some tiny (and very pathetic) part of me that thinks maybe you do still love me like that, but you don't want to say it because you're afraid of my reaction.
Anyway. I'm exhausted and rambling so goodnight.
I love you.
Love,
Jessica
I'm sorry for being mean to you earlier. Really, I am. I shouldn't take it out on you. Sometimes, though, when everything starts to pile up (like no one calling me for a job and not having a car and not being able to sleep and not having any money and not being sure when I'll be able to see my psychiatrist or get my medication again) it's hard to not blame you. Like, my head will just kind of sneak in this thought that you put me here, that if you hadn't decided to be selfish and dump me I'd still be in Kingman, helping you set up your classroom and getting ready to start bells and orchestra with you again.
And I do miss that life, more than I even believe I do. I want those things back. But at the same time I know I wasn't really happy there either.
Most of that unhappiness had to do with me. I love(d) you and I was so glad to be living with you and I was looking forward to a life together but my head still never felt right. But there was so much else going on that I couldn't focus on that.
I know that this is where I need to be right now, it's just hard. I miss you. A lot.
But I still believe that we had something very good and very real between us. That connection and those feelings couldn't be fake--at least, I don't think so. And I still believe that if we take some time and if I get better we could have a really wonderful life together.
And that's what I want.
And I want to know if there is any part of you that feels the same. If there's any part of you that wants that too.
I want you to know that if that were the case--if you did want to work things out, if you did want to acknowledge that we're still committed to each other--it wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't rush back to Kingman and move back in with you or anything like that. We could just . . . talk things through, visit each other, whatever.
And I wouldn't expect to jump right back into being engaged, either. I would be content to call you my boyfriend again.
I don't even know why I'm writing all of this; it's just what's been on my mind tonight. I think there is some tiny (and very pathetic) part of me that thinks maybe you do still love me like that, but you don't want to say it because you're afraid of my reaction.
Anyway. I'm exhausted and rambling so goodnight.
I love you.
Love,
Jessica
8.01.2012
And Another Hit
When you're on Lithium you have to get lab work done like once a year to make sure it's not killing some of your organs--because Lithium is basically poison.
The lab work is expensive. At the hospital lab here it runs about $400 at least. Obviously I can't afford that.
Last time I had to have it done I went to an urgent care here that did it for super cheap (like $60). So just now I called them to see if they still do lab work.
And they don't!! Concentra no longer does lab work for other providers. So yeah, now I can't get my lab work done.
And that means no Lithium refill.
And I could go on a different medication that doesn't require lab work but it costs like $420 for a one month prescription.
So yeah, I'm fucking fucked. Just totally fucking fucked. Awesome. Awesome awesome awesome.
The lab work is expensive. At the hospital lab here it runs about $400 at least. Obviously I can't afford that.
Last time I had to have it done I went to an urgent care here that did it for super cheap (like $60). So just now I called them to see if they still do lab work.
And they don't!! Concentra no longer does lab work for other providers. So yeah, now I can't get my lab work done.
And that means no Lithium refill.
And I could go on a different medication that doesn't require lab work but it costs like $420 for a one month prescription.
So yeah, I'm fucking fucked. Just totally fucking fucked. Awesome. Awesome awesome awesome.
Insomnia
I am too anxious to sleep.
Last night I had the worst breakdown I've had in years.
All day today I was anxious out of my mind.
Presently I can't stop crying.
I hate my life. I hate everything about it.
I feel like I have no ownership in my life. No say in what happens to me.
I have a job that pays less than $200 a month. And it doesn't matter how many applications I fill out or how many places I send my resume to--I can't make someone give me a job. And for some reason, even though I'm applying for essentially the same job I used to do at the clinic, no one seems to think I'm qualified. And there's no guarantee that anyone ever will call me--isn't that terrifying? I might be stuck doing 12 hours a week at Hastings for the rest of my life!
I can't take care of myself. I can't pay for my own groceries, bills, anything. I can't pay for treatment for my disorders anymore. And there are no options for help. Hastings offers insurance but it doesn't cover mental health, and besides, the hours I get up here, I'd basically be working just to have insurance. And the great state of AZ (which I'll be stuck in forfuckingever since I can't afford to leave) has decided that only women who have popped out kids are worth helping with state insurance. (That is a fact--I don't want children and have never been dumb enough to accidentally get knocked up so therefore I don't qualify for AHCCCS).
I don't have a car. I don't even get to decide when I can and can't leave my house. The city of Flagstaff tells me that, because I have to take the bus everywhere. It blows.
I don't have my own room and because of the cats' litter box being in the bathroom, we have to sleep with the bedroom door open. I have never slept well with open doors. (Don't get me wrong I am BEYOND grateful to Jenny for letting me stay here when Corey decided he was done with me--my gratitude for her is endless . . . but gratitude doesn't put me to sleep).
I don't even have a real bed! I sleep on a flipping air mattress. What most people take on camping trips or throw in their guest rooms, I sleep on permanently. And holy hell my body hates it.
I don't care anymore. I haven't done laundry in a week and later today I'll probably go to work in dirty clothes, and I really could fucking care less. I've stopped writing. I've stopped reading. I just . . . I don't care.
When Corey dumped me my heart was broken (it still is). But I thought, I don't need him--I thought, if I can move away and get myself on my feet financially, if I can buy a car and become . . . become a human being, then I won't care. Sure I'll still love him and miss him but I'd have my own life.
And it's not going as planned, and now I don't have him or a life. Now I have nothing.
And there isn't shit I can do about it. If no one gives me a job then no one gives me a job. No money means no treatment, no treatment means complete mental breakdowns, complete mental breakdown means . . . well, I'll either end up killing myself or I'll be one of those unstable homeless people you see walking around downtown.
Those are my life options. I am 27 years old, and I am a complete waste of space. And this will be my life, always, because I'm not meant for anything more.
I tried to do everything right. I really did. I went to college, I busted my ass, I got a degree, I never did anything awful to anybody, I wasn't a slut, I just . . . I don't understand.
I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't have anything go my way, why I absolutely cannot win. What did I do? Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for the actions of others . . . but that's not something I'm ready to talk about on here yet.
And so begins the downward spiral.
Last night I had the worst breakdown I've had in years.
All day today I was anxious out of my mind.
Presently I can't stop crying.
I hate my life. I hate everything about it.
I feel like I have no ownership in my life. No say in what happens to me.
I have a job that pays less than $200 a month. And it doesn't matter how many applications I fill out or how many places I send my resume to--I can't make someone give me a job. And for some reason, even though I'm applying for essentially the same job I used to do at the clinic, no one seems to think I'm qualified. And there's no guarantee that anyone ever will call me--isn't that terrifying? I might be stuck doing 12 hours a week at Hastings for the rest of my life!
I can't take care of myself. I can't pay for my own groceries, bills, anything. I can't pay for treatment for my disorders anymore. And there are no options for help. Hastings offers insurance but it doesn't cover mental health, and besides, the hours I get up here, I'd basically be working just to have insurance. And the great state of AZ (which I'll be stuck in forfuckingever since I can't afford to leave) has decided that only women who have popped out kids are worth helping with state insurance. (That is a fact--I don't want children and have never been dumb enough to accidentally get knocked up so therefore I don't qualify for AHCCCS).
I don't have a car. I don't even get to decide when I can and can't leave my house. The city of Flagstaff tells me that, because I have to take the bus everywhere. It blows.
I don't have my own room and because of the cats' litter box being in the bathroom, we have to sleep with the bedroom door open. I have never slept well with open doors. (Don't get me wrong I am BEYOND grateful to Jenny for letting me stay here when Corey decided he was done with me--my gratitude for her is endless . . . but gratitude doesn't put me to sleep).
I don't even have a real bed! I sleep on a flipping air mattress. What most people take on camping trips or throw in their guest rooms, I sleep on permanently. And holy hell my body hates it.
I don't care anymore. I haven't done laundry in a week and later today I'll probably go to work in dirty clothes, and I really could fucking care less. I've stopped writing. I've stopped reading. I just . . . I don't care.
When Corey dumped me my heart was broken (it still is). But I thought, I don't need him--I thought, if I can move away and get myself on my feet financially, if I can buy a car and become . . . become a human being, then I won't care. Sure I'll still love him and miss him but I'd have my own life.
And it's not going as planned, and now I don't have him or a life. Now I have nothing.
And there isn't shit I can do about it. If no one gives me a job then no one gives me a job. No money means no treatment, no treatment means complete mental breakdowns, complete mental breakdown means . . . well, I'll either end up killing myself or I'll be one of those unstable homeless people you see walking around downtown.
Those are my life options. I am 27 years old, and I am a complete waste of space. And this will be my life, always, because I'm not meant for anything more.
I tried to do everything right. I really did. I went to college, I busted my ass, I got a degree, I never did anything awful to anybody, I wasn't a slut, I just . . . I don't understand.
I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't have anything go my way, why I absolutely cannot win. What did I do? Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for the actions of others . . . but that's not something I'm ready to talk about on here yet.
And so begins the downward spiral.
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