I am really happy to say that my appointment with my new doctor went really, really well. Better than I was even hoping, which is always a pleasant surprise.
The doctor herself is just great. We clicked, and I feel like that's really important in psychiatric care. I clicked with Dr. Wright, but not with Dr. F, and I'm relieved that Dr. C and I connected. She was very patient, and thorough, and asked questions that really . . . helped highlight the key points of my whole long history with this BS. Not all doctors know how to do that. Her practice is really tiny, which I like, because I feel like with fewer patients she can be more invested in each patient. Her office is in this beautiful old house downtown, with narrow doorways, creaky hardwood floors, and the most amazing built in bookcase I've ever seen. (I know that the aesthetics of the office really aren't important treatment wise, but I felt like it was worth mentioning). She only has one employee, who does the billing/scheduling/reception type stuff, and she's also super nice. It's just a very calm space overall. It's also a pretty old fashioned kind of practice: they're all paper records, they don't do electronic billing, and I left with an actual handwritten prescription.
Which brings me to my next point: I walked out of the appointment with a prescription for Lithium! I really wasn't expecting that at all--I was expecting to leave with an order for blood work and get a prescription at my follow up next week. But Dr. C said that since I've already been on this medication and all that, she was comfortable with starting me on it, then getting blood work once I'm almost at my old dose. Which meant that my follow up appointment got pushed back to mid October, which means I have some time to figure out the financing stuff.
So all in all, it was just great. Great doctor, great staff, great office, a prescription, not having to pay for another appointment for 3 weeks . . . awesome. Like I said, better than I was even expecting. It was as pleasant an experience as it could be for being an overall unpleasant thing, but I think I'll elaborate on that later.
Right now, I'm just glad it went so well, glad it's over, and glad to have my medication.
9.25.2014
9.18.2014
Struggling
The past week-ish has just been . . . well, kind of a struggle.
It's really just a little bit of everything. Stress at work, a sort of sinus infection kind of thing (which I've actually had for like the past month . . . ever since my co-workers' kids went back to school last month, it seems like at least one co-worker a week comes down with something, and then they bring those nasty little kid germs into work . . . blech), the whole iffy mental health treatment thing . . . I just haven't been doing well.
Stress at work is high right now because there's some shifting around going on in my department at MHC. Nothing about it will directly impact my job; in fact, the only thing that's really changing for me is that my office mate is moving out, and that's a pretty welcome change at this point. It's really not the shifting of things that bothers me, it's the attitude behind some of it that gets on my nerves, but I think that once everything's done things will calm down. I try not to let myself get too worked up over it, because there's really no point in doing so. Again, absolutely nothing is changing as far as my actual day to day duties, and I know that my boss thinks I'm doing really well job performance wise, so ultimately, there's nothing for me to worry about. I just don't do well with change in general. Besides all of that, a certain incompetent co-worker is getting more and more incompetent, and I'm just getting to my limit of dealing with this person. That feeling is not limited to me, it's pretty much the whole freaking clinic, but the only person who could do something about it chooses to ignore it so . . . it's kind of a mess.
On top of all that, I can feel my mental health slipping a little bit. I can feel myself disengaging, losing interest in things. Not for long periods of time, it kind of comes and goes, but it's still not fun. I've also just started to feel down and anxious quite a bit (again, it kind of comes and goes), and that just sucks. My nerves are also just . . . I don't know. Shot right now. Not all the time, but I've noticed lately that when I have to do something that would make me nervous anyway, it's incredibly magnified. I don't like it. I've also been stress eating and retail therapying, which are both bad ideas. My bank balance is going down and my weight is going up, and I would really like the exact opposite to be happening.
Plus I'm just nervous about the whole new doctor thing. I'm nervous about the financial aspect, I'm nervous that she and I won't click, I'm nervous that she won't be willing to put me back on the medication I'd been on before, I'm nervous about having to get blood work and all that kind of stuff done. I'm nervous about having to re-hash my whole story to someone new, because that's never fun. It's all a little overwhelming. (I did go into her office today to turn in my new patient paperwork, and being able to see the office and sort of feel its vibe has calmed me down quite a bit. I liked what I saw).
Right now, I'm just telling myself to just get through it and it'll all be fine. All of the mental health symptoms I'm having now are ones I've had before, and even more significantly, they're all ones I've beaten before. And there's no reason to think that a decent doctor would totally ignore my history of success with Lithium and not prescribe it again.
Deep breaths. Deep, deep, breaths.
It's really just a little bit of everything. Stress at work, a sort of sinus infection kind of thing (which I've actually had for like the past month . . . ever since my co-workers' kids went back to school last month, it seems like at least one co-worker a week comes down with something, and then they bring those nasty little kid germs into work . . . blech), the whole iffy mental health treatment thing . . . I just haven't been doing well.
Stress at work is high right now because there's some shifting around going on in my department at MHC. Nothing about it will directly impact my job; in fact, the only thing that's really changing for me is that my office mate is moving out, and that's a pretty welcome change at this point. It's really not the shifting of things that bothers me, it's the attitude behind some of it that gets on my nerves, but I think that once everything's done things will calm down. I try not to let myself get too worked up over it, because there's really no point in doing so. Again, absolutely nothing is changing as far as my actual day to day duties, and I know that my boss thinks I'm doing really well job performance wise, so ultimately, there's nothing for me to worry about. I just don't do well with change in general. Besides all of that, a certain incompetent co-worker is getting more and more incompetent, and I'm just getting to my limit of dealing with this person. That feeling is not limited to me, it's pretty much the whole freaking clinic, but the only person who could do something about it chooses to ignore it so . . . it's kind of a mess.
On top of all that, I can feel my mental health slipping a little bit. I can feel myself disengaging, losing interest in things. Not for long periods of time, it kind of comes and goes, but it's still not fun. I've also just started to feel down and anxious quite a bit (again, it kind of comes and goes), and that just sucks. My nerves are also just . . . I don't know. Shot right now. Not all the time, but I've noticed lately that when I have to do something that would make me nervous anyway, it's incredibly magnified. I don't like it. I've also been stress eating and retail therapying, which are both bad ideas. My bank balance is going down and my weight is going up, and I would really like the exact opposite to be happening.
Plus I'm just nervous about the whole new doctor thing. I'm nervous about the financial aspect, I'm nervous that she and I won't click, I'm nervous that she won't be willing to put me back on the medication I'd been on before, I'm nervous about having to get blood work and all that kind of stuff done. I'm nervous about having to re-hash my whole story to someone new, because that's never fun. It's all a little overwhelming. (I did go into her office today to turn in my new patient paperwork, and being able to see the office and sort of feel its vibe has calmed me down quite a bit. I liked what I saw).
Right now, I'm just telling myself to just get through it and it'll all be fine. All of the mental health symptoms I'm having now are ones I've had before, and even more significantly, they're all ones I've beaten before. And there's no reason to think that a decent doctor would totally ignore my history of success with Lithium and not prescribe it again.
Deep breaths. Deep, deep, breaths.
9.13.2014
A Year Without A Psychiatrist
I said in my last post that I've been without a psychiatrist for nearly a year now, so I thought I'd follow that up by talking about what I've done this past year to keep myself on track treatment wise.
The first few months were pretty easy. Between the last of my refills from Dr. Wright, and the refill Dr. F gave me, I was fully medicated until the end of November. In December I broke into my "emergency" Lithium stash, which was basically about a month and a half worth of old prescriptions that I'd never taken. (I had this partly from those times when I just wouldn't take my medicine, and partly leftover from when the couple times I switched medications before the current Rx ran out, if that makes sense). I lowered my dose a little bit and my emergency supply lasted until the end of February.
At that point I had been unsuccessfully trying to work things out with my old doctor/been looking for a new doctor, and it was taking longer than expected. I knew I couldn't just cold turkey stop my medication, so I started looking for an alternative. I remembered an old Hastings co-worker telling me she was (self diagnosed) bipolar, and that she took a natural, OTC Lithium supplement. I didn't think such a thing existed, but after I did some poking around on the internet, I found it. It's called Lithium orotate and you can get it on Amazon. It's obviously not the same formulation as Rx Lithium (which is Lithium carbonate); it's a lower dosage made mostly of elemental Lithium, and there's some evidence that the bioavailability is different as well. It hasn't been studied very extensively in humans, but I was desperate, and it was something, so I bought it. I started myself out on a dosage that was higher than what the bottle recommended but lower than my therapeutic dose of Rx Lithium.
And it actually helped. I will say that it's not as effective as "real" Lithium, but it has most definitely kept the edge off of my worst symptoms for the past 6 months. I haven't had any manic or hypomanic episodes; I've had a few down swings but not any true depressive episodes either. It was the most helpful the first couple months I was taking it (March thru July). I mean, in June I was able to get a second job, so obviously I was doing OK. It's only been the past few weeks that I've started to feel like the effectiveness was dropping off a bit, which is why I started focusing on finding a psychiatrist again.
Like I said, it hasn't been perfect. Since the end of August, some things have fallen by the wayside: I haven't written in a while, I haven't been working out or eating right, and my house is in desperate need of a deep clean. Right now, though, those are all things I don't have the mental energy to do. But I have been able to get up and go to work every day and hold down my job and even do really well at it, and that's amazing. I also haven't had any suicidal ideation or thought about cutting. So while the past 6 months of alternative treatment haven't been my best, they've far and away not been my worst, either. I can tell you that if I'd just gone unmedicated, I'd be unemployed and possibly dead right now, and I'm neither. All in all, I call it at least a semi success. I'm also really proud of myself for being able to find an alternative and at least do something to keep myself well, because old me would have just let it go and suffered the consequences.
Right now, things are on a bit of a downslope. I haven't had any energy the past couple weeks, I can feel my temper getting shorter, and in general, I just haven't felt well. I'm just trying to make it through as best as I can, and in less than two weeks I'll see my new doctor and everything will get better from there. I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to my appointment, because I'm ready to get back to where I was.
9.02.2014
Finally
For the past few days I've been meaning to write about a bunch of things . . . like the pretty crappy down swing I've been on mentally, and the strange epiphany like thoughts I've been having lately, and what a fabulous time I had this past weekend when some friends were in town and I put on real pants (on a Saturday!) and actually left the house. I will, eventually, write about all those things.
For now, though, I just want to say that after almost a year of not having a psychiatrist, I finally finally finally finally finally found a doctor here in Flagstaff, and I have an appointment on the 25th. I am immensely relieved and honestly feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders.
For now, though, I just want to say that after almost a year of not having a psychiatrist, I finally finally finally finally finally found a doctor here in Flagstaff, and I have an appointment on the 25th. I am immensely relieved and honestly feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders.
8.21.2014
Remember When?
Lately I find myself feeling very nostalgic. I think it's mostly related to this time of year, because it was right around 4 years ago that I went on my first date with my ex.
I remember him asking me to hang out via Facebook, and I remember almost ignoring the message and pretending I'd never seen it, and then saying yes at the last minute because I knew he needed to talk to someone and I felt bad blowing him off. I remember him calling for directions to my apartment, because I live on the weirdest street in Flagstaff (it's a boulevard that is literally a block long) and no one can find it unless they've been there before. I remember just driving all over town and listening to him talk about whatever. I remember finally stopping at Lake Mary, and walking down to the water and having to grab his hand a few times to keep from falling, and him holding on longer than was necessary every time. I remember him asking to hold me and sitting on a rock at the side of the lake with his arms around me. I remember going to WalMart to buy an inflatable raft and leaving disappointed because they didn't have any. I remember him taking the longest route possible to take me home, and him saying it was just because of the road work on the highway, and I remember having a feeling that he really just didn't want to drop me off. I remember coming home and telling Jerbs about him and her making a comment that when I talked about him, I smiled like she hadn't seen me smile in a long time.
And all that wasn't even our first date. Our first date was the next night, when he showed up at my apartment with a stuffed duck, a get well card, and a raft.
I really do miss him. And it seems to get worse instead of better--I feel like I miss him more now than I ever have, when we're 2 years out from the break up and I'm fairly settled into this life without him. It's something I just can't seem to get over, regardless of what I do. I think I talk a big game about being over him, about not caring, and it's bullshit. I am happy with my life, yes, and I'm doing well on my own, but I'm not over him. I also think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be over it, telling myself that it's stupid to hang on and that I'm an idiot for still being in love with him and that after 2 years, I should have moved on.
I'm done with that. I'm done beating myself up for the way I feel about him. Honestly, it was a serious, real relationship, we were very committed to each other, and I'm not ashamed of the fact that those feelings are still there. I'm allowed to feel the way I feel. Obviously I'm not going to let it rule my life or anything like that, but still.
I want to be with him. I know that, at this point, the odds of anything happening, of him feeling the same way, of him not having found someone else, are utterly astronomical, but I'm choosing to remain hopeful. Because I still feel like he's who I'm supposed to end up with. There's just something about him, about the way we were together, that makes me believe that. I'm sure I sound like a total idiot to anyone reading this, but whatever. I'm OK with that.
8.17.2014
Climb To Conquer Cancer 2014
Yesterday was the Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I'm proud to say that I was able to make it all the way to the top of the mountain again!
Like last year, it was a great, great experience. I don't know what it is about the Climb that I love so much, but I do. I think it's a combination of the beautiful scenery, the pride that comes from being able to do something so physically demanding, and knowing that I did it for a good cause. This year, my sister came up for it again; she brought Austin, but his dad and grandparents were also doing it, so he walked with them. Last year, a few of my sister's friends participated, as did some of my co-workers, but this year it was just me and Jenny. That was kind of strange at first, but then I realized that I couldn't actually remember the last time I spent time with her one on one (either Jerbs, one of Jenny's friends, or Austin is always with us). So it was actually really nice, and I was glad that we got to kind of catch up and all that. Jenny and I are just drastically different people, that's undeniable, but I do love her. Last year she finished ahead of me, this year we were at about the same pace. Last year I felt like I was going to die the last 3 miles, this year I didn't really feel too bad until about the last mile. That made me happy, because while I haven't really accomplished any major weight loss or anything in the past year, I definitely feel like I got into better shape. This year I was better prepared, too. Last year I took a couple water bottles with me, and when we got to the top all I wanted was cold water, and there wasn't any. No ice, no cold water, nothing like that at the top. So this year I froze a water bottle the night before and threw it in my back pack and let it melt during the hike . . . it made the experience much better! We saw Austin at the top, and he told us he made it 5 miles and then took the bus to the top. I think that's pretty dang impressive for an almost 6 year old!
After the Climb we went to Starbucks and then took naps at my house (which was hilarious, because my sister is absolutely not the napping type, but she crawled into Jerbs' bed and fell asleep), then went to the mall and a few other places around town. Austin was off camping with his dad, so it was just us. We had dinner with some of her friends at Granny's (I think the last time I was there was like 9 years ago with my sorority, so it was a little weird).
Like last year, it was a great, great experience. I don't know what it is about the Climb that I love so much, but I do. I think it's a combination of the beautiful scenery, the pride that comes from being able to do something so physically demanding, and knowing that I did it for a good cause. This year, my sister came up for it again; she brought Austin, but his dad and grandparents were also doing it, so he walked with them. Last year, a few of my sister's friends participated, as did some of my co-workers, but this year it was just me and Jenny. That was kind of strange at first, but then I realized that I couldn't actually remember the last time I spent time with her one on one (either Jerbs, one of Jenny's friends, or Austin is always with us). So it was actually really nice, and I was glad that we got to kind of catch up and all that. Jenny and I are just drastically different people, that's undeniable, but I do love her. Last year she finished ahead of me, this year we were at about the same pace. Last year I felt like I was going to die the last 3 miles, this year I didn't really feel too bad until about the last mile. That made me happy, because while I haven't really accomplished any major weight loss or anything in the past year, I definitely feel like I got into better shape. This year I was better prepared, too. Last year I took a couple water bottles with me, and when we got to the top all I wanted was cold water, and there wasn't any. No ice, no cold water, nothing like that at the top. So this year I froze a water bottle the night before and threw it in my back pack and let it melt during the hike . . . it made the experience much better! We saw Austin at the top, and he told us he made it 5 miles and then took the bus to the top. I think that's pretty dang impressive for an almost 6 year old!
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| Mile signs. I don't know why there wasn't one for mile 7. Last year there was a big half way point sign, but not this year. |
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| The pictures I took from the top. Can't beat that view! |
Today she brought Austin by and I gave him his presents from Comic-Con, and they left a little bit ago. I miss them already!
I'm really glad I thought to take tomorrow off, because I don't plan on doing shit today.
So that's that! I'm looking forward to the 2015 Climb!
8.10.2014
Just An Update
1. This week I finished one of my special projects at MHC. Hallefreakinglujah. It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It took up pretty much my whole Tuesday but that's OK.
2. Diet wise I did super well the first part of the week. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I just killed it. Then Thursday, I kinda screwed up, and then Friday, Saturday, and today I went completely off the rails. Like . . . I don't even want to think about how many calories I ate. Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'm feeling confident.
3. I started doing Couch to 5k this week. I started last Sunday and I'll finish week one tomorrow (I was supposed to either today or yesterday but just didn't feel much like running). At any rate, I really like it and I think it's going to be a good thing for me. And a bonus is that I take Hollie running with me and it wears her the hell out, which is nice.
4. I am very close to being finished with the August billing cycle at SHF. I think I'll be able to wrap it up tomorrow and then my work there will go back to being all light and sporadic and no big deal. I'm looking forward to that.
5. I called a potential new psychiatrist on Thursday. No one answered, but they have a special voicemail line for people wanting to make new patient appointments, so I left a message. That office is closed on Fridays so I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow. Supposedly their average wait time for new patients is 1-3 weeks, so I could potentially get in by the end of the month. I'm really hoping this one works out because I'm sick of looking. This one is in Phoenix but . . . I mean, it's a necessity. I called 5 people in Sedona and Cottonwood last week: 2 phone numbers were disconnected, 2 weren't taking new patients, and 1 was cash pay only. So I called my old doctor's office here in town and left a message basically kissing their ass and asking what I would need to do to make an appointment with the doctor I was supposed to start seeing there after Dr. Wright left . . . and yeah, they never called me back, so I'm going to go ahead and just assume that ship has sailed.
5. Last Sunday, I saw my ex at WalMart. As in my ex fiance who doesn't even live in Flagstaff. It was the most random thing. The most absolute random thing. And of course, since it was Sunday, which is chore and errand day, I hadn't showered or shaved my legs and I was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt. And I know it really doesn't matter but I hadn't seen him for more than a year and of course it couldn't have happened on a day I looked more put together. Sigh.
2. Diet wise I did super well the first part of the week. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I just killed it. Then Thursday, I kinda screwed up, and then Friday, Saturday, and today I went completely off the rails. Like . . . I don't even want to think about how many calories I ate. Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'm feeling confident.
3. I started doing Couch to 5k this week. I started last Sunday and I'll finish week one tomorrow (I was supposed to either today or yesterday but just didn't feel much like running). At any rate, I really like it and I think it's going to be a good thing for me. And a bonus is that I take Hollie running with me and it wears her the hell out, which is nice.
4. I am very close to being finished with the August billing cycle at SHF. I think I'll be able to wrap it up tomorrow and then my work there will go back to being all light and sporadic and no big deal. I'm looking forward to that.
5. I called a potential new psychiatrist on Thursday. No one answered, but they have a special voicemail line for people wanting to make new patient appointments, so I left a message. That office is closed on Fridays so I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow. Supposedly their average wait time for new patients is 1-3 weeks, so I could potentially get in by the end of the month. I'm really hoping this one works out because I'm sick of looking. This one is in Phoenix but . . . I mean, it's a necessity. I called 5 people in Sedona and Cottonwood last week: 2 phone numbers were disconnected, 2 weren't taking new patients, and 1 was cash pay only. So I called my old doctor's office here in town and left a message basically kissing their ass and asking what I would need to do to make an appointment with the doctor I was supposed to start seeing there after Dr. Wright left . . . and yeah, they never called me back, so I'm going to go ahead and just assume that ship has sailed.
5. Last Sunday, I saw my ex at WalMart. As in my ex fiance who doesn't even live in Flagstaff. It was the most random thing. The most absolute random thing. And of course, since it was Sunday, which is chore and errand day, I hadn't showered or shaved my legs and I was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt. And I know it really doesn't matter but I hadn't seen him for more than a year and of course it couldn't have happened on a day I looked more put together. Sigh.
8.04.2014
Busy And Maybe A Little Burnt Out
This whole two jobs thing is kinda kicking my ass.
Don't get me wrong, I like having two jobs. I enjoy both of them and it's nice to not be worried about money all the time anymore. But the past couple weeks I just have felt . . . burnt out.
My real job at MHC is just insane right now. I'm working on two different special projects, plus DME, plus all my normal duties. And Medicare is being quite a bit more awful than usual lately, which is just awesome. And today was stressful because a co-worker opened a spam email and it turned out to be a massive virus, which led to all our servers being offline for like two hours. Which meant I could do basically nothing. It was incredibly frustrating.
I'm currently in the middle of a billing cycle at job # 2, which means that tomorrow will likely be a 12 hour day. And that half day Friday was an 8 hour day. I don't mind but I'll admit that this job is a bit more . . . involved than I was originally expecting. I was told 6-8 hours of filing and clerical work a week . . . I didn't expect to be running billing cycles and making collections phone calls.
I don't know. I feel like all I do anymore is work. And I guess there's nothing wrong with that, really, because I don't have kids or a spouse or really anything that demands a lot of my attention outside of work. There are just days when it's very, very exhausting.
But every time I start to get frustrated or annoyed or whatever, I make myself remember what it was like to be unemployed for 2 years and struggle with finding work, and I tell myself to suck it up. I want to excel at both of my jobs.
So that's about it. Two weeks from now I have a long weekend (I'm off on Monday, the 18th, and my sister will be here that weekend for the Climb to Conquer Cancer) and I am counting down the days to that.
Don't get me wrong, I like having two jobs. I enjoy both of them and it's nice to not be worried about money all the time anymore. But the past couple weeks I just have felt . . . burnt out.
My real job at MHC is just insane right now. I'm working on two different special projects, plus DME, plus all my normal duties. And Medicare is being quite a bit more awful than usual lately, which is just awesome. And today was stressful because a co-worker opened a spam email and it turned out to be a massive virus, which led to all our servers being offline for like two hours. Which meant I could do basically nothing. It was incredibly frustrating.
I'm currently in the middle of a billing cycle at job # 2, which means that tomorrow will likely be a 12 hour day. And that half day Friday was an 8 hour day. I don't mind but I'll admit that this job is a bit more . . . involved than I was originally expecting. I was told 6-8 hours of filing and clerical work a week . . . I didn't expect to be running billing cycles and making collections phone calls.
I don't know. I feel like all I do anymore is work. And I guess there's nothing wrong with that, really, because I don't have kids or a spouse or really anything that demands a lot of my attention outside of work. There are just days when it's very, very exhausting.
But every time I start to get frustrated or annoyed or whatever, I make myself remember what it was like to be unemployed for 2 years and struggle with finding work, and I tell myself to suck it up. I want to excel at both of my jobs.
So that's about it. Two weeks from now I have a long weekend (I'm off on Monday, the 18th, and my sister will be here that weekend for the Climb to Conquer Cancer) and I am counting down the days to that.
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