Dear Ex-Fiance,
Last night Jerbs and I had a long debate/discussion that involved Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. And I initiated it and made some good Star Wars related points. Then it evolved to include Harry Potter.
I think you'd have been proud, since it was you who finally forced me to watch Star Wars.
Love,
Jessica
8.30.2012
8.29.2012
Focus: Here and Now
I need to focus on the here and the now.
I need to stop daydreaming about the future and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
Right now I need to focus on:
--finding a full time job
--buying a car
--starting therapy
--starting to save money for my future
--grad school decisions
--a couple of upcoming writing contests
--my writing in general
--my physical health
I need to focus on what I can do (or try to do) right now, in the present. The life I imagine is never going to happen if all I keep doing is daydreaming about it.
I need to stop daydreaming about the future and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
Right now I need to focus on:
--finding a full time job
--buying a car
--starting therapy
--starting to save money for my future
--grad school decisions
--a couple of upcoming writing contests
--my writing in general
--my physical health
I need to focus on what I can do (or try to do) right now, in the present. The life I imagine is never going to happen if all I keep doing is daydreaming about it.
Less & Less And More & More
Until about a week ago, I was planning to write an entry entitled "Less and Less." I was going to talk about how since I've been here, and especially in the past few weeks, I find my mind on Ex-Fiance less and less.
Because really, I hadn't been thinking about him much. There was a point when I was first here where he was constantly on my mind, where him and the breakup and how much I wanted to go home were all I could think about every single day. Where everything reminded me of Ex-Fiance, and I'd randomly wonder what he was doing and feel an anxiety attack coming on.
But those thoughts lessened and lessened. They never went away completely, but at some point I started thinking about myself more and more. I started making plans for myself and my future--plans that I like and that I'm happy about. I felt more and more that getting over Ex-Fiance was something I'd be able to handle and I got to a point that there was no question in my mind that I could be happy without him.
I'd still think about him now and then. Occasionally things would still remind me of him, but I'd just kind of let it go instead of feeling anxious. And sometimes I wonder what he's doing and if he's seeing someone else, and those thoughts aren't happy ones, but I don't focus on them anymore. And every now and then, I'd be doing something and it would kind of hit me that I was engaged to be married and that I'd been living somewhere else and that I'd had this whole other life--but like I said, I just kind of learned to not focus on it.
It got to a point where when I did think of Ex-Fiance, it felt almost fake, almost like it never happened.
So that was all going on and it was good and fine and I was doing OK, and then out of nowhere . . . Ex-Fiance was on my mind again.
It probably started a little less than a week ago, and I think it started with a CD at work. (Yes, a CD, isn't that stupid?) It's a jazz CD called "Alone Together: Essential Late Night Jazz" and . . . yeah. I bought it because it was like $1.10 with my employee discount.
So ever since then, I just . . . I don't know. The most random things make me think of Corey and my mind keeps wandering back to good times in our relationship. I keep thinking about how much I wanted to have a life with him, and how much I still want that. I still want to be with him--no matter how stupid or pathetic or whatever it makes me, that's what I want. I know I can be happy without him and I know that I'll find my own way but I'd rather find my way with him.
I don't hear from Ex-Fiance anymore; I don't even know if he asks Jenny about me anymore (I'm afraid to ask). I know that I need to be patient. I know that if Ex-Fiance's going to get to a point where he wants to discuss us and potentially work things out and try again, he has to get there on his own. I need to give him time and space and I'm doing this as best as I can.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on my own plans. I mean, I'm not sitting around waiting for Ex-Fiance to call or anything like that. It just means I'm also not giving up hope, because I really do think Ex-Fiance is my soul mate. And my gut feeling is that he still loves me and thinks the same of me.
So we'll see what happens.
Because really, I hadn't been thinking about him much. There was a point when I was first here where he was constantly on my mind, where him and the breakup and how much I wanted to go home were all I could think about every single day. Where everything reminded me of Ex-Fiance, and I'd randomly wonder what he was doing and feel an anxiety attack coming on.
But those thoughts lessened and lessened. They never went away completely, but at some point I started thinking about myself more and more. I started making plans for myself and my future--plans that I like and that I'm happy about. I felt more and more that getting over Ex-Fiance was something I'd be able to handle and I got to a point that there was no question in my mind that I could be happy without him.
I'd still think about him now and then. Occasionally things would still remind me of him, but I'd just kind of let it go instead of feeling anxious. And sometimes I wonder what he's doing and if he's seeing someone else, and those thoughts aren't happy ones, but I don't focus on them anymore. And every now and then, I'd be doing something and it would kind of hit me that I was engaged to be married and that I'd been living somewhere else and that I'd had this whole other life--but like I said, I just kind of learned to not focus on it.
It got to a point where when I did think of Ex-Fiance, it felt almost fake, almost like it never happened.
So that was all going on and it was good and fine and I was doing OK, and then out of nowhere . . . Ex-Fiance was on my mind again.
It probably started a little less than a week ago, and I think it started with a CD at work. (Yes, a CD, isn't that stupid?) It's a jazz CD called "Alone Together: Essential Late Night Jazz" and . . . yeah. I bought it because it was like $1.10 with my employee discount.
So ever since then, I just . . . I don't know. The most random things make me think of Corey and my mind keeps wandering back to good times in our relationship. I keep thinking about how much I wanted to have a life with him, and how much I still want that. I still want to be with him--no matter how stupid or pathetic or whatever it makes me, that's what I want. I know I can be happy without him and I know that I'll find my own way but I'd rather find my way with him.
I don't hear from Ex-Fiance anymore; I don't even know if he asks Jenny about me anymore (I'm afraid to ask). I know that I need to be patient. I know that if Ex-Fiance's going to get to a point where he wants to discuss us and potentially work things out and try again, he has to get there on his own. I need to give him time and space and I'm doing this as best as I can.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on my own plans. I mean, I'm not sitting around waiting for Ex-Fiance to call or anything like that. It just means I'm also not giving up hope, because I really do think Ex-Fiance is my soul mate. And my gut feeling is that he still loves me and thinks the same of me.
So we'll see what happens.
8.28.2012
Random Memories
Once when we were shopping at Cost Plus World Market, we were looking at a day bed thing, and I said I wanted to have one of those in my home office someday. I said it was where I could sleep when we fought, and Ex-Fiance laughed and said we'd never have fights like that.
I almost always went to bed later than Ex-Fiance. Some nights when I'd climb into bed, he'd half wake up and tell me he loved me or that I was beautiful. Other nights, if he'd been dreaming, he'd say funny stuff--once he told me he was trying to get the class' attention; once he told me to go move my clip up (a disciplinary thing from his class room).
Once when we were first dating we took a trip to Hobby Lobby with Jerbs. Jerbs bought me something while we were there, and on the drive home I said, "I love my pillow, thank you Jerbs!" And Ex-Fiance said, "I love my Jessica, thank you God." I'll never forget that.
I used to love looking back at the percussion section during orchestra and seeing him there. I loved that, a good chunk of the time, I'd look back to find him looking at me too.
The first time I went to Chinle with him it was over Halloween weekend; Halloween fell on that Sunday. We ended up staying late enough to hand out candy with his family, and once that was over, we went to a family friend's house. She had a fire going and a bunch of people from the hospital over and Ex-Fiance pulled me away from the crowd at one point and slow danced with me. It was amazing. Later that night when we got back to Flagstaff, Ex-Fiance asked me to marry him, and even though he'd asked before "for fun," that night I felt like he meant it completely for the first time.
A few months after we started dating it snowed for the first time that winter. Ex-Fiance suggested we start a tradition: the first snow ornament. The deal was that every year on the day of the first snow (or as close to it as possible) we'd buy a new ornament for our tree together. We bought a Polar Express ornament in 2010, and a romantic Christmas tree one in 2011. I loved that tradition.
Ex-Fiance'd never had a real Christmas tree before we met; I grew up with real trees and only had fake ones in my dorms/apartments. So last Christmas, since it was our first Christmas living together, we got a real tree. We named him Percival and decorating him together was so much fun. We decorated our whole house too, because we both love Christmas. We spent our first Christmas together in Chinle with his family, and waking up next to him on Christmas morning was so wonderful.
One day in September of 2010 Ex-Fiance took me to the Deer Farm. After that we spontaneously drove to Kingman and he got to meet my family for the first time. When we got back to Flagstaff I decided to spend the night at his place for the first time. Of course we stayed up late talking (like always) and on this night I confessed to Ex-Fiance that I have a phobia type issue with sunrises. (Long story, related to my anxiety disorder). And after I told him that he kind of paused. And then he told me that it didn't scare him and it didn't weird him out at all; then he said that all he wanted was to be the one who was with me when I could watch a sunrise and be OK. I think that was the moment that I knew that I wanted to be with him forever. I mean, I'd had an idea since our first date, but that moment cemented it.
Anyway. I don't know why I'm putting this all down here. It's just where my head's been the past few days. These are the things I want back, because no, things weren't perfect between us but . . . damn, we had some beautiful moments.
I almost always went to bed later than Ex-Fiance. Some nights when I'd climb into bed, he'd half wake up and tell me he loved me or that I was beautiful. Other nights, if he'd been dreaming, he'd say funny stuff--once he told me he was trying to get the class' attention; once he told me to go move my clip up (a disciplinary thing from his class room).
Once when we were first dating we took a trip to Hobby Lobby with Jerbs. Jerbs bought me something while we were there, and on the drive home I said, "I love my pillow, thank you Jerbs!" And Ex-Fiance said, "I love my Jessica, thank you God." I'll never forget that.
I used to love looking back at the percussion section during orchestra and seeing him there. I loved that, a good chunk of the time, I'd look back to find him looking at me too.
The first time I went to Chinle with him it was over Halloween weekend; Halloween fell on that Sunday. We ended up staying late enough to hand out candy with his family, and once that was over, we went to a family friend's house. She had a fire going and a bunch of people from the hospital over and Ex-Fiance pulled me away from the crowd at one point and slow danced with me. It was amazing. Later that night when we got back to Flagstaff, Ex-Fiance asked me to marry him, and even though he'd asked before "for fun," that night I felt like he meant it completely for the first time.
A few months after we started dating it snowed for the first time that winter. Ex-Fiance suggested we start a tradition: the first snow ornament. The deal was that every year on the day of the first snow (or as close to it as possible) we'd buy a new ornament for our tree together. We bought a Polar Express ornament in 2010, and a romantic Christmas tree one in 2011. I loved that tradition.
Ex-Fiance'd never had a real Christmas tree before we met; I grew up with real trees and only had fake ones in my dorms/apartments. So last Christmas, since it was our first Christmas living together, we got a real tree. We named him Percival and decorating him together was so much fun. We decorated our whole house too, because we both love Christmas. We spent our first Christmas together in Chinle with his family, and waking up next to him on Christmas morning was so wonderful.
One day in September of 2010 Ex-Fiance took me to the Deer Farm. After that we spontaneously drove to Kingman and he got to meet my family for the first time. When we got back to Flagstaff I decided to spend the night at his place for the first time. Of course we stayed up late talking (like always) and on this night I confessed to Ex-Fiance that I have a phobia type issue with sunrises. (Long story, related to my anxiety disorder). And after I told him that he kind of paused. And then he told me that it didn't scare him and it didn't weird him out at all; then he said that all he wanted was to be the one who was with me when I could watch a sunrise and be OK. I think that was the moment that I knew that I wanted to be with him forever. I mean, I'd had an idea since our first date, but that moment cemented it.
Anyway. I don't know why I'm putting this all down here. It's just where my head's been the past few days. These are the things I want back, because no, things weren't perfect between us but . . . damn, we had some beautiful moments.
8.27.2012
Frickin' A (Extended)
So I'm doing better than I was last night. I won't lie, I had a good cry and a few why-can't-something-just-go-right-for-me moments but I'm ok now.
I guess I'd just gotten my hopes up about the job. It wasn't even really that I wanted to work for that particular company or do that particular job, it was just that I really wanted a full time job. And I'd been thinking about being able to buy a car and start saving money for what I want to do next and it kinda sucked to suddenly know I wouldn't be able to do that, at least not yet. But really, I didn't care much for the guy who interviewed me and most office jobs start at a higher pay rate anyway, so maybe it's for the best.
So basically the company decided to promote from within. And honestly I kinda think that was the plan from the beginning. This company has 12 group homes for disabled adults, and I think they have trouble keeping those staffed. During my interview I was asked if I'd be willing to work in one of the group homes if I didn't get the office job. I said maybe. Based on other questions he asked me, he hadn't even looked at my resume (he asked if I had experience working in an office . . . which is like the first thing on my resume so). And the interview was only like 5 minutes long, and the next step was supposed to be reference checks. I know for a fact that they didn't check my references, because I'm still in contact with all of them so yeah. My gut feeling is kinda that they just wanted people for their group homes, so they advertised an office job and asked all the people who applied if they'd work in one of the homes and'll just hire them for that.
They did offer me a group home job. But I'm really not interested in that.
So back to the drawing board I guess. I just hope I find something soon!
I guess I'd just gotten my hopes up about the job. It wasn't even really that I wanted to work for that particular company or do that particular job, it was just that I really wanted a full time job. And I'd been thinking about being able to buy a car and start saving money for what I want to do next and it kinda sucked to suddenly know I wouldn't be able to do that, at least not yet. But really, I didn't care much for the guy who interviewed me and most office jobs start at a higher pay rate anyway, so maybe it's for the best.
So basically the company decided to promote from within. And honestly I kinda think that was the plan from the beginning. This company has 12 group homes for disabled adults, and I think they have trouble keeping those staffed. During my interview I was asked if I'd be willing to work in one of the group homes if I didn't get the office job. I said maybe. Based on other questions he asked me, he hadn't even looked at my resume (he asked if I had experience working in an office . . . which is like the first thing on my resume so). And the interview was only like 5 minutes long, and the next step was supposed to be reference checks. I know for a fact that they didn't check my references, because I'm still in contact with all of them so yeah. My gut feeling is kinda that they just wanted people for their group homes, so they advertised an office job and asked all the people who applied if they'd work in one of the homes and'll just hire them for that.
They did offer me a group home job. But I'm really not interested in that.
So back to the drawing board I guess. I just hope I find something soon!
8.26.2012
Frickin' A
Didn't get the job I interviewed for.
Don't know why I'm even fucking surprised.
I just want SOMETHING to go right for me.
Don't know why I'm even fucking surprised.
I just want SOMETHING to go right for me.
Blog Stalking
I readily admit that I am a blog stalker. I love to read random people's blogs.
This all started one day when I was reading a friend's blog. I was bored and hit the "Next Blog" button at the top of the page. It took me to a cute little Mormon mommy blog (that's what I call them--Mormon women who blog about their marriage/kids . . . not meant to be offensive, of course! I love these blogs!) So from this blog, I found another Mormon mommy blog, which led me to a Mormon almost mommy blog (the blogger was pregnant at the time I found her blog, she's since had a cute little boy!) So from this blog, I found another Mormon family blog.
From that blog I found my first BLM (baby lost momma) blog. This particular blog was a couple who lost their first child, a daughter, to an accidental drowning when she was just over a year old. It was heartbreaking. From that blog I found more BLM blogs, and I just fell in love with this little community. The women who blog about losing their children and how it's impacted them and their marriages and their faith are amazing. The stories are heartbreaking but at the same time so inspiring. I discovered these blogs right as Corey was ending our relationship, and weirdly, they gave me a lot of hope and put my grief into perspective. I thought, if these women can go through these trials and survive then certainly I can survive a break up.
From BLM blogs I found infertility/TTC/miscarriage blogs. A lot of those blogs involve divorce, because a good number of marriages don't survive infertility (which is heartbreaking). From there I found divorce blogs, and from there, a whole lot of blogs about infidelity--some of which were also about subsequent divorce, some of which were about how to rebuild a marriage after infidelity.
Anyway. It's all fascinating, and as I was reading these infidelity blogs last night I thought about how weird it was that a Mormon mommy blog led to all of that. Six degrees of separation and whatnot, I guess.
8.25.2012
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