. . .

I really couldn't think of a title for this post.

I am just in a bad funk lately.  For the past couple weeks my diet's been off the rails, I haven't worked out at all, and my sleep schedule has been a complete and utter cluster fuck.  I feel like I've accomplished nothing (outside of work) in forever.  I've stopped being concerned with money management and other little things that I should be taking charge of.

In short I feel like a failure.  I'm depressed and frustrated and I'm starting to panic over my ever growing TO DO list.  I can also feel myself starting to disengage like I used to and I hate it.  It sucks and I don't know where it's coming from or what to do about it.

Well, I guess I do know where it's coming from.  I'm sure Benji dying is a big factor.  Work is incredibly stressful right now (new duties, bigger responsibility, a boss that now lives in Florida, etc), and while I love how busy I am, I'm sure it's contributing to this down swing.  And then there's the whole being surrounded by happily married co-workers, and having mostly friends who are either married or happily committed, thing.  I don't think I'm a bitter person when it comes to this and I absolutely don't hold anyone's happiness against them but I won't lie, sometimes it makes me feel so lonely.  And it all feeds each other, because I get lonely and depressed and then I eat my feelings and then beat myself up about that and inevitably tell myself that the reason I'm alone is that I'm fat and unattractive and completely don't have my shit together, which leads to being lonely and depressed and eating my feelings.  It's a shitty, vicious cycle.

But I know it's temporary.  Benji not being here will get easier, or at least more tolerable; things at work will shake out and I'll adjust to the changes and be awesome; I will get my shit together outside of work; I will, eventually, get physically healthy.

For now I just have to take it a day at a time and keep on keepin' on, I suppose.