But all the worry was mostly for nothing because I ended up having a great time in Kingman. It was a good trip, and much, much better than the last time.
This time, I didn't have to rent a car or take the bus--my sister came and got me and brought me back. I am so incredibly grateful to her for doing that, because it saved me a lot of trouble and a lot of money too. Granted I felt a little like a loser needing such a long ride but whatever, I'm still happy I went.
I had a great time. I spent most of my weekend with Austin and we had so much fun together. We played monsters and Batman and I gave him a few baths (he's a fish and loves to play in the bath). We watched TV together and played Buzz Lightyear games on the computer. I wish I had the time and energy to write down all of the funny and cute and sweet things he did/said while I was there but since I don't, here are the highlights.
--He got to meet Irene, Jerbs' cat, and pet her. It was really cute. He also walked around my apartment picking up totally random items and asking if they were Auntie Jerbs's. It was too funny. We ended up bringing this flashlight thing and some Halloween hole punches to Kingman because he wanted to play with them.
--His concern with bringing Benji to Kingman, like wear Benji would sleep and whether or not he'd bite Dolce and get her dirty.
--He put Benji's bed near Dolce's then sat in between and read the dogs a bed time story.
--Him actually sleeping in the living room with me for TWO nights! On Friday he slept on the little couch and on Saturday afternoon he informed me that I had to sleep on the little couch that night. Needless to say, that didn't happen, but it was funny.
--Him telling his mom he needed a needle to hang something up in his room.
--Before they picked me up, his mom and my other sister had gone to the mall, and my sister had gotten him a few bday presents. They were in the back of the car and when Austin saw them (as we were putting my stuff in) he said, "You bought me presents? Nice mama! Nice mama!" Later that weekend she did something he didn't like and he said, "Bad mama! Bad mama!" Too funny.
--Him telling Shannon she needed to get out of the bounce house because she was too little to bounce with me, my sister, and Taryn, and helping her out of the bounce house. Later he made Shannon put socks on to go back in the bounce house with him.
--Having a sword fight with him in the driveway, where he got a sword and I got two golf clubs. It was pretty awesome.
--Taking him to Cracker Barrel for lunch on his birthday, where the servers sang happy birthday to him and gave him a piece of chocolate cake. He was so adorably shy and embarrassed over it.
--Him insisting that the toy he wanted from the Cracker Barrel shop was a grabber. Which he did get, and then proceeded to use to grab my dad by the wrist and lead him around the front yard while reassuring him that even though he was going to jail, he'd come get him when it got to dark time.
--Austin's horror when I suggested putting his pajamas on before it was "dark time." (Sometimes I forget that not everyone wears sweats at home.)
--On our way out of town for the return trip we stopped for gas, and Austin and I went inside for a snack/drink. Austin wanted an icee, and he made me mix all 4 flavors of icee they had.
--We dropped him off with his dad on our way to Flag and it was so hard to say good bye to him. But we agreed we'd have another sleepover sometime soon.
---------------
Non Austin related highlights . . .
My sister's driveway has a really steep, pretty long hill down to the street. When Austin and I were sword fighting, he "got" me and I had to fall down, and on a whim, I rolled down the driveway. Like stomach to back. Seemed like a good idea at the time even if it was a little painful, and Austin was incredibly entertained, so it was worth it. Well, I woke up on Monday sore as hell, and I'm having trouble moving my left shoulder. Go me.
On Friday night Shannon (my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically consider my 3rd sister) let me drive her car to go get food for me and Saucy. I was so touched. I love Shannon, and I'm glad she and my sister are such good friends.
On Saturday night my sister and I had a long, painful conversation about some things that was actually pretty . . . I don't know, but definitely good. It was nice to talk some things out and feel validated in some of the things I feel and have gone through. It was nice to have someone believe me and not just write me off as crazy. Plus it's nice to be able to have such a conversation with my sister, because honestly, we're not too close, and that's something I regret and that makes me sad. It felt like a deeper connection for a while, and I liked that.
Sunday night I got depressed. I just felt so sad that I had to leave, and I was going to miss Austin so much. I cried a little. I told Austin I loved him a lot, which I think he found strange, but whatever. I just miss him and my family so much.
On Monday my sister and I shopped and had dinner together (with Jerbs too) at the mall before she left to go back to Ktown. It was nice to hang out with her more one on one and just be able to talk. Plus Jerbs and I showed her the Gangnam Style video before she left, and everyone should see that.
In a moment of epic failure I left my phone in Jenny's car, and of course didn't realize it until Jenny'd been gone almost 2 hours--which meant she was about in Kingman so there was zero chance she could bring me my phone. My mom has it now and should mail it tomorrow . . . blergh. I'm very annoyed with myself for that one.
So overall, it was a great trip. I felt very at peace while I was there, and that whole depression/funk I'd been in lifted a lot. But it was also a little sad, because it was a very very clear reminder that I want to be in Kingman. That I miss that life a lot. After Austin's party I thought about how glad I'd be if I were leaving with and going home with Corey, and it was just . . . kind of bittersweet, I guess. I just felt wistful. But I never broke down.
As for Corey and me, I did text him on Saturday, just to say that I was in town and I'd love to see him and to let me know if he wanted to hang out. As far as I know he never texted me back (but I was having phone issues). So that's that. I'm still not giving up hope. And the fact that I came back just fine even though I never heard from is a sign that I'm doing better, so I'm glad for that.
I got back to Flagstaff feeling determined. I feel determined to get back to working on myself. I'm going to get back to my diet and health stuff, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to try to get into counseling (no guarantee on that one though, just for financial reasons), I'm going to work on my grad school stuff and my writing. I'm going to remain hopeful about Corey and me, because I still feel, in my heart, that we'll end up together. I just have to be patient.
--Having a sword fight with him in the driveway, where he got a sword and I got two golf clubs. It was pretty awesome.
--Taking him to Cracker Barrel for lunch on his birthday, where the servers sang happy birthday to him and gave him a piece of chocolate cake. He was so adorably shy and embarrassed over it.
--Him insisting that the toy he wanted from the Cracker Barrel shop was a grabber. Which he did get, and then proceeded to use to grab my dad by the wrist and lead him around the front yard while reassuring him that even though he was going to jail, he'd come get him when it got to dark time.
--Austin's horror when I suggested putting his pajamas on before it was "dark time." (Sometimes I forget that not everyone wears sweats at home.)
--On our way out of town for the return trip we stopped for gas, and Austin and I went inside for a snack/drink. Austin wanted an icee, and he made me mix all 4 flavors of icee they had.
--We dropped him off with his dad on our way to Flag and it was so hard to say good bye to him. But we agreed we'd have another sleepover sometime soon.
---------------
Non Austin related highlights . . .
My sister's driveway has a really steep, pretty long hill down to the street. When Austin and I were sword fighting, he "got" me and I had to fall down, and on a whim, I rolled down the driveway. Like stomach to back. Seemed like a good idea at the time even if it was a little painful, and Austin was incredibly entertained, so it was worth it. Well, I woke up on Monday sore as hell, and I'm having trouble moving my left shoulder. Go me.
On Friday night Shannon (my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically consider my 3rd sister) let me drive her car to go get food for me and Saucy. I was so touched. I love Shannon, and I'm glad she and my sister are such good friends.
On Saturday night my sister and I had a long, painful conversation about some things that was actually pretty . . . I don't know, but definitely good. It was nice to talk some things out and feel validated in some of the things I feel and have gone through. It was nice to have someone believe me and not just write me off as crazy. Plus it's nice to be able to have such a conversation with my sister, because honestly, we're not too close, and that's something I regret and that makes me sad. It felt like a deeper connection for a while, and I liked that.
Sunday night I got depressed. I just felt so sad that I had to leave, and I was going to miss Austin so much. I cried a little. I told Austin I loved him a lot, which I think he found strange, but whatever. I just miss him and my family so much.
On Monday my sister and I shopped and had dinner together (with Jerbs too) at the mall before she left to go back to Ktown. It was nice to hang out with her more one on one and just be able to talk. Plus Jerbs and I showed her the Gangnam Style video before she left, and everyone should see that.
In a moment of epic failure I left my phone in Jenny's car, and of course didn't realize it until Jenny'd been gone almost 2 hours--which meant she was about in Kingman so there was zero chance she could bring me my phone. My mom has it now and should mail it tomorrow . . . blergh. I'm very annoyed with myself for that one.
So overall, it was a great trip. I felt very at peace while I was there, and that whole depression/funk I'd been in lifted a lot. But it was also a little sad, because it was a very very clear reminder that I want to be in Kingman. That I miss that life a lot. After Austin's party I thought about how glad I'd be if I were leaving with and going home with Corey, and it was just . . . kind of bittersweet, I guess. I just felt wistful. But I never broke down.
As for Corey and me, I did text him on Saturday, just to say that I was in town and I'd love to see him and to let me know if he wanted to hang out. As far as I know he never texted me back (but I was having phone issues). So that's that. I'm still not giving up hope. And the fact that I came back just fine even though I never heard from is a sign that I'm doing better, so I'm glad for that.
I got back to Flagstaff feeling determined. I feel determined to get back to working on myself. I'm going to get back to my diet and health stuff, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to try to get into counseling (no guarantee on that one though, just for financial reasons), I'm going to work on my grad school stuff and my writing. I'm going to remain hopeful about Corey and me, because I still feel, in my heart, that we'll end up together. I just have to be patient.
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