That's what Jerbs called me last night when I was getting all weepy and emotional about her leaving. Because I'm . . . adorable, I guess.
Jerbs is gone. I dropped her off at the bus station a few hours ago and now she's somewhere between here and Phoenix. (It's a 15 hour bus ride to San Diego from here. Isn't that insane?) I already miss her . . . it's just so different when she's not home. And the cats watched her pack and both panicked so I'm sure that's going to be lovely for the rest of the week. Sigh.
Anyway, back to the adorable mess thing. I don't know why, but I've been just kind of down the past week(ish). Some of it's hormonal (yay) but my cycle's finished and I still just feel sad.
Some of it is Jerbs leaving.
Some of it is missing Ex-Fiance, because ever since he was here he's been on my mind and I've just been thinking about things with him a lot. I just . . . I'm just sad that we're not together, and I still love him, and I still want a second chance so badly. I'm lost when it comes to this, I really am.
Some of it is Benji. The past few weeks he hasn't been as active and mobile as he usually is. I suppose it could be the weather (lots of monsoon rain and lower temperatures) making him want to just stay in his bed, but I worry that he's nearing the end of his life, and it breaks my heart in a way that I can't even explain. I wish so much that he could be healthy and have the life he should have. It's not fair that he won't live as long because of the assholes that had him before me, y'know? I'm just trying to make him happy and comfy. I mostly let him sleep, and when he does get up I pet him and cuddle him and tell him I love him. I want to let him sleep in my bed with me but there's too big a chance of him falling off or trying to jump off and hurting himself. I just hope he knows how much I love him even if I'm not very affectionate . . . does that make sense? And I know these are silly things to worry about but . . . no one will ever understand how important Benji is to me. In all seriousness he is the reason I'm alive. The past few days I've taken him out on the porch (because he never goes outside anymore) and held him and just let him sniff the breeze for a few minutes. It's really sweet to see his head sort of perk up while he catches the wind; it makes me happy. He can't see or hear, really, but his nose still works! I really wish he could talk, so he could tell me if he was really suffering or if he'll be OK for a bit longer, y'know?
Some of it is Max. He's so sad with Jerbs gone and I don't know how to explain that she's coming back because . . . well, Max is a dog, obviously. It's just a little sad to see him so mopey and everything.
Anyway. That's that. Hopefully I start to cheer up soon . . . I don't like this blah down in the dumps feeling at all.
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