My Benji

I'm sad to say that Benji's health seems to have deteriorated the past week or so.  He seemed to be doing really well for a while--eating more than usual and being more mobile than usual--but recently he barely seems interested in food and spends most of his time asleep.  I'm sure some of it's just that he's cold (lately he's been whimpering to let us know that the space heater by his bed needs to be turned on) but I'm still freaking out at the prospect of losing him.

I just don't know what to do.  I mean, I know he's an old dog and his health has never been fantastic (and may his former owners rot in hell for that), and obviously I know he won't live forever.  But still, I am anxious and shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up because I'm just lost.  I've hoped and prayed for a long time that when the time came, he would go on his own.  I absolutely do not want to make the decision to end his life; I feel like the only life I have the right to make that decision about is my own and it's just not in me to do it for my dog.  And I know I would always wonder if it was the right call.  But I also know that I don't want him to suffer, and that if I was really sure that was the case . . . then maybe I could do it.

I don't know.  People who have gone through it tell me I'll know when it's time, that it will be obvious if I have to make that choice.  I hope that's true.

I wish Benji could talk and tell me either that he was fine, or that he was ready to be finished.

Like I said, right now he's just very very skinny (he's always been thin because of how malnourished his old owners kept him, but it's gotten worse lately) and spends most of his time asleep in his warm bed by his heater.  He does get up and walk around still but his hips seem to be bugging him more than usual (again, maybe the cold?).  Sometimes I feel guilty for not holding him or petting him more but honestly, I think he just wants to be left alone right now.  He needs a bath and a good grooming but he hates both of those things and it's difficult.

I know that I've given him a good life.  That he's gotten to spend the last almost 7 years sleeping on soft things and eating good food and not being forced to go on walks or play, because Benji is really just not very dog like.  (Seriously, you've never met a less dog like dog than my Benji . . . he hated walks, he never played with toys, rarely liked any treats we gave him . . . whenever I feel like I haven't done enough with him, I remind myself that I spent plenty of time just sitting with him on the couch watching TV, and that that was absolutely plenty for Benji, because he didn't want to do anything else).  But there are times when I feel guilty, like I should have done more; I wish I'd had the money to take him to the vet for his teeth, but I just never did.

I just hope he knows how very, very much I love him, and how much he helped me when I was sick, and how grateful I am that I ended up with him when I did.  I truly believe that it was some kind of divine intervention and that I needed Benji as much as he needed me.

I think he knows those things.  And for now I'm just going to take things day by day and love him as much as I can.