Loved and Lost

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

That's been on my mind lately.  Mostly because since the whole break up thing happened there have been people who said it to me and it always just kind of bugs me.

So I asked myself . . . if I could go back to a time before either of my serious relationships started and know how they'd end up before I got into them . . . would I do it again?

With Jerbs, I'm not sure.  I loved her and our break up wasn't too over dramatic or anything.  I mean, it wasn't a pleasant experience, but still.  However, in the years since the break up I've felt a tremendous amount of guilt over her.  I've felt guilty for not being with her after all she's done for me, and I feel guilty that she's still doing so much for me even though I've fallen in love with someone else and all that.  So I'd only not date Jerbs in order to avoid the guilt.  If I could go back and see how things turned out, I'd still do it, I'd probably just work harder to not become so dependent on her during the relationship.  And I might insist we not live together after the break up.

With Ex-Fiance, there's no question: if I had known that things would turn out this way, I'd choose to never meet him.  I'd rather have never known him at all than be going through this now.  Yes, love is wonderful and all that, but in my opinion, not worth this.  Not in the least.

And it's not even really because of not having him.  As much as I love Ex-Fiance, I'm pretty sure I can adjust to life without him in it.  What's hard to live with is the intense sense of worthlessness I got out of this whole thing.  When Ex-Fiance broke up with me I felt completely worthless.  I was so distraught that someone could tell me that I meant so much, that I was worth so much, that he loved me so much, that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life.  He promised to always love me, and I believed him--I believed him 100%.  And for him to be able to just walk away from all that is mind blowing to me.  Nothing--NOTHING--has ever hurt my self esteem so much.  And I know that I contributed to the break up to, but the . . . I don't know, the coldness of it on his part was hurtful.

It seems that people get engaged left and right anymore.  I know tons of people from college who have gotten engaged and broken up like it was nothing, and I hate that.  When I got engaged, I meant it.  I wasn't agreeing to an engagement and a shiny ring--I was agreeing to a marriage and a life long commitment.  And there have been people who have acted like I was an idiot for ever believing in it at all, which is just sad.  He asked me to marry him; I thought he meant it.  I honestly believed that that relationship was it for me.  And going from that to this just sucks.

I hate how I went from being sure of something to being sure of nothing.  I don't like where I am right now; I don't like being back to wondering where my life is going.  Sure, a marriage was going to be just one part of my life, but it was nice to have something to be sure about.

So even though I still love Ex-Fiance, I'd choose not meeting him over this any.day.of.the.week.  The end.