Simple

Something I've noticed lately (probably over the past few weeks, maybe a month) is that my feelings towards Ex-Fiance have changed quite a bit.

What I feel hasn't changed.  I still love him, I still miss him, I am still hoping for a chance to reconcile and be together again.  In fact, those feelings have actually increased since I moved back to Flagstaff.

But these feelings have become much simpler.

When we first broke up, it felt so complicated in my head.  Especially once I moved.  I was just constantly wondering about the break up and asking myself what went wrong.  I'd feel insanely angry and bitter and just want to scream, then I'd feel so depressed that all I wanted was to sit and cry.  I looked back over the relationship and picked out issues that drove us apart and thought of how they could be corrected.  I thought of specific moments that were bad between us.  I wondered where he was and what he was doing and how he was without me.  I panicked, over and over and over again, at little reminders of him and that life.

And now . . . now all I think is that I miss him and love him.  And that I want very badly to see him.  I want to put my arms around him and bury my head in his shoulder like I used to.

I know that those things would just be a beginning.  I know that if anything is going to happen, there are things we'll need to discuss and work out figure out, and I know that probably won't be easy or pleasant.  But I'm at a point where it doesn't scare me anymore.  Where however hard it's going to be to rebuild, it's worth it, because I love him enough to stick it out.

I think this is a good thing.  I think maybe this is something I needed to realize.  I think our relationship was one where we both became so focused on the problems and issues that we sort of lost sight of just loving each other.  And I feel like that no matter what, that's the most important thing, and that a sincere love for each other should be at the base of any serious relationship.

I feel ready to talk things out.  I feel ready to start this conversation.  Between how much better I'm doing mental health wise, how strongly I feel about Ex-Fiance and how much those feelings have gone back to basics, and how confident I feel in my ability to move forward with him . . . I'm ready.  I just feel like I'm at a place where I could have that conversation and have it be successful--where we could rebuild things and be better at it.  It's hard to put into words but it really is how I feel.

I think back to basics is a good place to be as far as the relationship goes.  I want a fresh start and I think that's the best way to get it.