Today I've just been numb. The combination of it being my would have been wedding day and the day before I move away from Corey (potentially for good) has not been pleasant. I feel numb and shut down and almost outside of my body. I really can't believe this is all happening.
I've gone through the motions. I got up at baby sat Saucy, I ate, I went to work and did my job, but I was on autopilot.
I do not want what's happening. I don't want to leave, I don't want it to be over, I don't want anything to do with any of it.
I still hope that this isn't the end; I still hope that someday soon Corey and I will reconcile and that I'll move back here. But still, my head hast just been in non stop attack mode today. My thoughts have been racing, thinking things like, this is the last time I'll do this or that, and it sucks. I can't even begin to describe every thought in my head because they're all fleeting and scattered but . . . well, like I said, it sucks.
Last night before I went to bed, I just thought, I should be in Sedona right now, wide awake because I can't sleep because I'm so excited that my wedding's happening soon. This afternoon I found myself thinking, I should have been married by now; I should be at my little reception, celebrating with my family and friends. As the sun was going down, I was thinking, right now I should be alone with Corey, watching the sunset at some romantic spot in Sedona as newlyweds.
It fucking blew.
And of course I don't want to move. There is nothing I want to do less than move, especially back to Flagstaff of all freaking places.
I try to tell myself to be calm and to be patient, and that if I make it through this, and hang in there now, and really work hard to get myself to where I want to be, then the reward will be worth it. I just hope that's true.
6.30.2012
My Saucy
Hands down the hardest part about leaving is explaining it to Austin. He knows I'm going to Flagstaff, but he keeps asking if I'm coming back "after Flagstaff." And I've tried to tell him that I'll definitely come back and visit but that I'm not sure if I'll ever be back to stay. And he doesn't get it.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
6.28.2012
Confession: Glee
I have to confess that since Saturday, I've been watching Glee on Netflix. I swore up and down that I'd never watch it and I really thought I'd hate it, but . . . I actually kind of love it.
On the episode I watched tonight they did a song that's originally by Sammy Davis Jr. that I'd never heard before, and one of the lyrics was: "I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me."
It kinda hit home because it kinda fits my current situation. I can't be right for Corey--or anyone--until I'm right for me. Which in my case means getting a strong, sincere handle on my bipolar disorder, to the point that I can function as just a normal human being.
I hope I can get there.
On the episode I watched tonight they did a song that's originally by Sammy Davis Jr. that I'd never heard before, and one of the lyrics was: "I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me."
It kinda hit home because it kinda fits my current situation. I can't be right for Corey--or anyone--until I'm right for me. Which in my case means getting a strong, sincere handle on my bipolar disorder, to the point that I can function as just a normal human being.
I hope I can get there.
6.27.2012
I Give Up
What do I want in a relationship?
I want a partner. I want someone I can trust with all of my heart, someone who always makes my heart skip a beat, someone who makes me laugh, someone who will hold me when I cry no matter what I'm crying about. Someone who'll listen to me go on and on about all of the nerdy crap I'm interested in, someone who appreciates music like I do, someone who just makes me believe in forever. And in return I want to be all those things for someone.
I find a lot of married couple blogs on the internet (because I love blog stalking) and I skim through them. And there are always pictures and these couples all just look so happy together. So . . . I don't know. There's just always something about them that is very meant to be. And I see wedding pictures of friends on Facebook and I see the same thing. And I have friends who are engaged, and when they talk about their wedding on Facebook, their fiances comment about how much they can't wait to get married and how the wedding is too far away and blah blah blah.
I see all those things and they're the things I wanted and expected out of my relationship with Ex-Fiance. And I wonder, what do they have that I don't? What do these women have that makes their men look at them like that, love them like that? What is it about them?
And then I think about it, and I remember that the men in those pictures have probably never been legit screamed at by the women in those pictures. They've probably never helped their wives clean self harm injuries. They've probably never seen their wives throw things or have anxiety attacks that border on psychotic. They've probably never had their wife happily kiss them goodbye in the morning only to come home to her not speaking to them for no reason at all. They've probably never watched any of their wives shatter a glass picture frame and try to slit her wrists with one of the shards.
And then I think, no fucking wonder he doesn't want to be with me. Who would? I'm fat, unattractive, and psychotic. I never deserved Ex-Fiance and I'm probably just not meant to be a bride or a wife. I will probably spend the rest of my life alone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty mad at Ex-Fiance too. But I'm more mad at myself.
I want a partner. I want someone I can trust with all of my heart, someone who always makes my heart skip a beat, someone who makes me laugh, someone who will hold me when I cry no matter what I'm crying about. Someone who'll listen to me go on and on about all of the nerdy crap I'm interested in, someone who appreciates music like I do, someone who just makes me believe in forever. And in return I want to be all those things for someone.
I find a lot of married couple blogs on the internet (because I love blog stalking) and I skim through them. And there are always pictures and these couples all just look so happy together. So . . . I don't know. There's just always something about them that is very meant to be. And I see wedding pictures of friends on Facebook and I see the same thing. And I have friends who are engaged, and when they talk about their wedding on Facebook, their fiances comment about how much they can't wait to get married and how the wedding is too far away and blah blah blah.
I see all those things and they're the things I wanted and expected out of my relationship with Ex-Fiance. And I wonder, what do they have that I don't? What do these women have that makes their men look at them like that, love them like that? What is it about them?
And then I think about it, and I remember that the men in those pictures have probably never been legit screamed at by the women in those pictures. They've probably never helped their wives clean self harm injuries. They've probably never seen their wives throw things or have anxiety attacks that border on psychotic. They've probably never had their wife happily kiss them goodbye in the morning only to come home to her not speaking to them for no reason at all. They've probably never watched any of their wives shatter a glass picture frame and try to slit her wrists with one of the shards.
And then I think, no fucking wonder he doesn't want to be with me. Who would? I'm fat, unattractive, and psychotic. I never deserved Ex-Fiance and I'm probably just not meant to be a bride or a wife. I will probably spend the rest of my life alone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty mad at Ex-Fiance too. But I'm more mad at myself.
6.25.2012
One Month
Today it's been one month since Corey and I broke up.
It's a strange thought and it just kind of hit me. One month seems like . . . kind of a long time. It's definitely a longer time than I expected us to be broken up. I really thought--at least at first--that we'd have worked things out by now.
I guess I just kind of feel like when I can say something like, it's been a month since we broke up--if there's a measurable amount of time that's actually fairly significant, then maybe it's not going to work out. Maybe it's really done.
It was just kind of a blow to the little hope I was holding on to.
Yes, Corey's been a lot more distance the past few days, but he's still been affectionate. I'm not giving up hope. I still want this to be a break and I still believe that we can make it work.
So here's hoping.
It's a strange thought and it just kind of hit me. One month seems like . . . kind of a long time. It's definitely a longer time than I expected us to be broken up. I really thought--at least at first--that we'd have worked things out by now.
I guess I just kind of feel like when I can say something like, it's been a month since we broke up--if there's a measurable amount of time that's actually fairly significant, then maybe it's not going to work out. Maybe it's really done.
It was just kind of a blow to the little hope I was holding on to.
Yes, Corey's been a lot more distance the past few days, but he's still been affectionate. I'm not giving up hope. I still want this to be a break and I still believe that we can make it work.
So here's hoping.
Getting Close
I realized earlier that after today (which is now over) I only have 2 days off left in Kingman. Two days left to hang out with Austin, spend time with my family, say goodbye to this life. (I know that last part was a bit overdramatic but I really do feel like I'm leaving one life for another at this point). It just kind of shocked me because I don't feel even remotely ready to leave. At all.
I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.
I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back. My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away. But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it. I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was. I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that. And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore. I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.
I have 3 biggest fears. One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place. I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there. Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me. Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him. We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either. So I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to call me right away? Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore? I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore. (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done). And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else. I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry. Out of sight . . . out of mind.
I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time. There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future. Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.
I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.
I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back. My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away. But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it. I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was. I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that. And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore. I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.
I have 3 biggest fears. One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place. I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there. Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me. Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him. We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either. So I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to call me right away? Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore? I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore. (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done). And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else. I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry. Out of sight . . . out of mind.
I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time. There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future. Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.
6.23.2012
On My Mind
I did some more packing today. Which actually makes me kind of impressed with myself.
I just feel kind of blah, I guess. And obviously there's a lot on my mind.
Sometimes I wonder why I want this to work out. I wonder if I want it to work out because I actually love Corey and genuinely want to be with him, or because I'm afraid of the change. Do I want him? Or do I just not want to lose something I put so much of myself into?
Because that's what really bothers me, I think. I thought of him as my husband, I considered myself his wife, and we had a very intimate relationship. And I have a very hard time just . . . turning that off. And I can't do the dating thing because of that. I can't start something with someone, end it, and then just do it again. I haven't been in a lot of relationships, and I know that dating around isn't something that really works for me. To me, it doesn't make sense.
But I think Corey and I are good together, and that's why I want it to work.
My biggest fear is what's going to happen after I'm in Flagstaff. When will I talk to Corey again? When will I see him again? For almost 2 years I've spoken to him every day and seen him pretty much every day (minus when we were long distance for awhile). But now . . . I don't know. It feels very up in the air, and I really, really, really don't like it. I worry that it'll be kind of out of sight out of mind and I don't want that. I hope it'll be more along the lines of absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I don't like not knowing. I want to know what's going to happen. I imagine things that I want to happen . . . but really, I don't know.
I still hope things will work out, but I also still know why we need to take this break, and I still think it'll do us some good. It just seems to be getting more and more difficult as the actual leaving part gets harder.
I just feel kind of blah, I guess. And obviously there's a lot on my mind.
Sometimes I wonder why I want this to work out. I wonder if I want it to work out because I actually love Corey and genuinely want to be with him, or because I'm afraid of the change. Do I want him? Or do I just not want to lose something I put so much of myself into?
Because that's what really bothers me, I think. I thought of him as my husband, I considered myself his wife, and we had a very intimate relationship. And I have a very hard time just . . . turning that off. And I can't do the dating thing because of that. I can't start something with someone, end it, and then just do it again. I haven't been in a lot of relationships, and I know that dating around isn't something that really works for me. To me, it doesn't make sense.
But I think Corey and I are good together, and that's why I want it to work.
My biggest fear is what's going to happen after I'm in Flagstaff. When will I talk to Corey again? When will I see him again? For almost 2 years I've spoken to him every day and seen him pretty much every day (minus when we were long distance for awhile). But now . . . I don't know. It feels very up in the air, and I really, really, really don't like it. I worry that it'll be kind of out of sight out of mind and I don't want that. I hope it'll be more along the lines of absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I don't like not knowing. I want to know what's going to happen. I imagine things that I want to happen . . . but really, I don't know.
I still hope things will work out, but I also still know why we need to take this break, and I still think it'll do us some good. It just seems to be getting more and more difficult as the actual leaving part gets harder.
It's Not Fair
Sometimes I feel like this is just not fair.
It's not fair that Corey gets to keep our life. I feel like I'm not just losing him, I'm also losing a house I really like, bell choir, orchestra, a job/co-workers I like/adore, living close to my family and getting to spend time with my nephew. It sucks. I feel like he gets to break my heart and go on living his life like it's nothing, while I'm the one being thrown into an uncertain and uncomfortable situation.
I do NOT do well with moving. I do NOT do well with staying in strange places. I do NOT do well when I don't have a place that feels distinctly like home to me. And . . . that's exactly where I'm going.
And I wonder how people will act around me and treat me if/when I come back. Like what has Corey already told our mutual friends and his co-workers? What will he tell them while I'm gone? I feel like I'll come back and they'll know him better than I do. Fucking. Sucks.
I know that's not true. I know that this break is as much for Corey to work on himself as it is for me to work on myself. I know that he needs to focus on that, and I have faith that he will be. And I know that I need a break too and that I do actually want this almost as much as he does.
Sigh. I really fucking hate this.
It's not fair that Corey gets to keep our life. I feel like I'm not just losing him, I'm also losing a house I really like, bell choir, orchestra, a job/co-workers I like/adore, living close to my family and getting to spend time with my nephew. It sucks. I feel like he gets to break my heart and go on living his life like it's nothing, while I'm the one being thrown into an uncertain and uncomfortable situation.
I do NOT do well with moving. I do NOT do well with staying in strange places. I do NOT do well when I don't have a place that feels distinctly like home to me. And . . . that's exactly where I'm going.
And I wonder how people will act around me and treat me if/when I come back. Like what has Corey already told our mutual friends and his co-workers? What will he tell them while I'm gone? I feel like I'll come back and they'll know him better than I do. Fucking. Sucks.
I know that's not true. I know that this break is as much for Corey to work on himself as it is for me to work on myself. I know that he needs to focus on that, and I have faith that he will be. And I know that I need a break too and that I do actually want this almost as much as he does.
Sigh. I really fucking hate this.
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