First of all, I want to say that Ex-Fiance's and my breakup was absolutely not something that came completely out of left field. It didn't happen overnight; Ex-Fiance didn't wake up the morning of May 25th and suddenly decide he hated me and didn't want to marry me. Nor was it strictly a result of the fight we'd had just a few nights before. I don't necessarily want to say it was a long time coming, though--just that there were a lot of factors that played into it, and some of them had been going on for a long time.
Ex-Fiance and I love each other very, very much, and we still feel a sincere connection to one another. In the course of our relationship we have a had a lot of wonderful, happy times. But we've also had a lot of tension and a lot of problems and a lot of unhappiness, and in a way, even if I never wanted to admit it, I think I've known this would happen eventually.
A lot of it has to do with my bipolar. When I met Ex-Fiance, I was in a mental health crisis. I was at the peak of my bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, and I was a mess. I didn't have a job, I was struggling financially, and I felt completely insane all the time. I was barely functioning within my own mind. I remember thinking, a few weeks after Ex-Fiance and I started dating, that I needed to wait--to break things off with him and then resume after I'd gotten treatment for the bipolar. But I didn't want to do that. There was a big part of me that was sick of putting my life on hold for mental illness. And I fell for Ex-Fiance so completely, so quickly, that I didn't want to let that go. So I didn't. And Ex-Fiance was amazing about it; he was always very supportive of my getting help and he did his best to help me fight my demons.
For a couple months things were great. I was happy and I had Ex-Fiance and there were some crappy things going on but mostly, I was good. I almost felt like in my head, Ex-Fiance was the one thing the BS hadn't touched. And then my head went after Ex-Fiance, and suddenly I was lashing out at him and breaking down constantly and it was just overall a very ugly situation. I put Ex-Fiance through more than I want to admit; I was seriously terrible to him at points. I willingly admit that I was a disgusting person a lot of the time when it came to him. I yelled at him, screamed at him, insulted him, guilt tripped him, threw things at him, threatened him . . . I was awful. And it continued after I started treatment, which was the worst part.
Once we moved to Kingman, things initially got worse. I do not do well with moving and being in a new place and new situation led to a lot of breakdowns. There were periods when we were barely speaking. In September I went back on my Lithium and for a while things were OK--I remember telling Ex-Fiance that I was surprised at how happy I'd been feeling with the medication. We had a good Christmas together and in January, I went back to my psychiatrist and got back on my Lithium.
I remember a fight in March, and then the next was in May. And then came the breakup.
Also not helping things in Kingman was Ex-Fiance's job situation. Ex-Fiance had a miserable, miserable school year, and I did not help. I was so screwed up myself that I couldn't be a supportive, loving partner for Ex-Fiance when he needed it; I couldn't make our home a stress free environment so he was never able to relax. He became withdrawn and depressed. It definitely took a toll on our relationship.
So in short, things between us have never been perfect. I know that no relationship is perfect but no relationship should have that much stress in it either. I will say, though, that the good times we've had together have been amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Right now, I'm at a point where I'm still hoping that things will work out between us. We both have a lot of things to fix in ourselves, and I think that once we both do that, we can fix us. I love Ex-Fiance with all my heart and I do believe he's who I'm supposed to be with. We made a lot of plans for our future together, and that's the future I want.
So hopefully, things will work out. And in the meantime, hopefully I can get better.
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