I know that the reason I'm in such a down swing right now is because of the holidays. I was doing fine while the weather was mild but now we've been getting snow and winter storms and even though it's beautiful, it's made it feel like Christmas.
I love Christmas. I can only remember one other year when I wasn't looking forward to it. Normally, 6 days before Christmas, my tree and decorations have been up for a month, my cards are sent, my shopping is finished and beautifully wrapped, my travel plans are made, and I'm full of giddy excitement. Y'know how you felt about Christmas day as a kid? That excited anticipation that nothing could really bring down? That's how I've always felt.
<<After this point this is a sappy entry about Corey and me, so if you're sick of hearing it, stop now.>>
It hurts because of Corey. It's so lame to say that but it's true.
Because I have always loved everything about Christmas, one of the things I imagined when I daydreamed about the love of my life was sharing that. Sharing the holidays together. That was so important to me. I loved Jerbs but she's not really into Christmas, and because her parents didn't know about us, we were never really able to spend a holiday together. Then I met Corey, and he loved Christmas as much as I do, and it was amazing. I loved being with someone who was just as excited for the holidays as I was. It meant so much to me.
Last year on the last day of school before winter break I took a bunch of goodies to Corey's class and stuck around for their little Christmas party. It was adorable. Then we drove to Chinle for the holidays. I had never spent a Christmas away from my family but I was excited to spend it with my almost in-laws. We stayed with Corey's parents and were allowed to share one of the guest bedrooms, which was a big deal because normally, it was separate rooms til marriage. On Christmas Eve we went to the candlelight service at their church and when we got home, Corey pulled me aside and told me I was beautiful and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me.
We woke up together on Christmas morning. I remember rolling over to find him already awake, and the first thing he said was Merry Christmas. And I don't care how cheesy it sounds but I felt like that one moment that morning was everything I had ever wanted. Everything I'd hoped for and daydreamed about and I believed so completely then that that was my forever. That every Christmas morning would be like that. I didn't doubt it then. And then exactly 5 months later he told me he didn't want to marry me.
So this year, Christmas looks bleak. I haven't put up a single decoration. I didn't buy a tree. I avoid the Christmas sections at any stores we go to like the plague. Christmas music--especially Christmas love songs--aggravate me. It took a lot just to buy Christmas cards and make the little felt ornaments for my loved ones. I don't see this resolving. I think that for me the magic is going to be gone from Christmas now. And I don't mind that. If I can't be as happy on Christmas as I was last year then I don't really care about Christmas, y'know?
On Christmas Eve 2009 I was a mess. I'd lost my job recently and was very, very mentally ill, and I wrote a suicide note. On Christmas Eve. That year I hated Christmas; I didn't even want to go home to Kingman to see my family. I just wanted it to all be over. And I hated that I felt that way because it was so unlike me. The following year I had just started dating Corey and even though we weren't physically together that Christmas, it was still a pleasant change. And I was glad that I could have a good Christmas after that.
To top everything off, I don't know if I'm going to get to go home for Christmas. That's all I want. All I want this year is to be with my family. To see Austin. I feel like every single other thing in my life is a freaking disaster right now, I should at least be able to have that, right? (It doesn't help thinking of Corey driving to Chinle to be with his family . . . because his life has gone one perfectly without me while I've suffered, and why would he care that I'm doing so badly if he's fine?).
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