Today it's been six months since Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married.
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I remember that moment very well. What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it. It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened. I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it. As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight. I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken. I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance. I felt so lost and so . . . out of place. The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing. I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me. I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before. Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there. The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
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Now it's been six months. Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.
There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long. For half of a year, I've been single. It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again. I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.
So six months in, how am I doing?
Surprisingly well. I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff. I thought I'd be a complete mess. I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.
But that hasn't been the case.
I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature. I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds. I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another. I've worked out. I've written two short stories. I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life. And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it. I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.
I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago. Mentally, I'm night and day. I am so much healthier now. SO much healthier. I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now. I'm just so much more at home in my own mind. I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years. It's amazing. And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that. Because what I have needed all along was just to get better. I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here. Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely. But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.
Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it. I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better. I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people. And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself. I really am.
The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be. But the thing is, I'm OK with that now. I feel like that's DOABLE. I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose. Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it. Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it. But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
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So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?
In short, I still love him. I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.
I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried. I still hope for that. I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does. And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
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At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.
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