Today I had to call and cancel my appointment with my psychiatrist that was scheduled for Friday. It had been scheduled since May but the fact is that I can't afford the $125 it's going to cost. And I needed to have lab work done before this appointment anyway, but I couldn't afford that either so fuck it anyway, right? And Jenny can't help and no one in my family can help and obviously Corey's not an option anymore.
No lab work and no appointment means no medication refills. My antidepressants are gone and I have one week left of Lithium.
And it hit me: I can no longer afford treatment for my disorders. And until someone calls me for a full time job, I will not be able to afford treatment. (And untreated the chance of me getting a job are slim). And chances are, that phone call's not going to come, because I spent 2 years job hunting in this fucking town and got nothing so . . . yeah.
It is basically a death sentence. And that might sound overdramatic but it's actually the truth.
For 3 years I suffered without treatment and I was beyond miserable. I wanted to die every single die, each morning that I woke up I wondered why I had to live another day with my head the way it was. And even though I wasn't perfect on the Lithium I was doing a fuck of a lot better.
And now that's gone and I know based on a few med lapses over the past year and a half that all of that shit feels worse once you've gotten to be a little bit normal.
So . . . yeah. I'm terrified, I really am. I want my life and I want to get better and be well, but over and over and over the fates seem to be against me. And I know that this will end in my suicide. Maybe not right away, but . . . within the next year, I'm sure. I think I'm meant to die that way; I think it's meant to be in my hands. And y'know, it probably will be.
And this has nothing to do with Corey, really. I know very well that I could live my life without Corey, that if things didn't work out with me and him I would be well able to get over it and move on. The thing is, with these disorders out of control, there is no life to be lived, with or without Corey, and that is just the simple truth.
The bipolar and borderline make it impossible to live. Even with treatment they were hard to deal with; without treatment . . . well, I just can't imagine going back to that life and that much misery.
It is a strange feeling to suddenly know that you're going to die and how.
7.31.2012
7.29.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
Sometimes I feel so angry with you, because I think, I can't do this alone. I can't get better by myself. You promised to help me and I need your help. And I get angry because you decided you didn't want to help me, that you'd rather live your own life.
But then I remember that you did help me, and you tried to help me; you did everything you could for me. And I refused to let you. I refused to be helped. And you eventually realized that I'd never be able to get better with you and I the way we were.
That, really, is the point of this: I never would have gotten better while I was trying to focus on my relationship with you. I need to get better on my own.
And sometimes I think that it's unfair that I need to change who I am to be with you. But I know it's not wrong to ask someone to change the worst, most toxic parts of themselves, the part of themselves that is an illness. And I'm not getting better for you anyway--I'm getting better for me.
I just loved how willing you were to stand by me through the mental illness, and I hope that someday you're that willing to stand by me again.
Love,
Jessica
Sometimes I feel so angry with you, because I think, I can't do this alone. I can't get better by myself. You promised to help me and I need your help. And I get angry because you decided you didn't want to help me, that you'd rather live your own life.
But then I remember that you did help me, and you tried to help me; you did everything you could for me. And I refused to let you. I refused to be helped. And you eventually realized that I'd never be able to get better with you and I the way we were.
That, really, is the point of this: I never would have gotten better while I was trying to focus on my relationship with you. I need to get better on my own.
And sometimes I think that it's unfair that I need to change who I am to be with you. But I know it's not wrong to ask someone to change the worst, most toxic parts of themselves, the part of themselves that is an illness. And I'm not getting better for you anyway--I'm getting better for me.
I just loved how willing you were to stand by me through the mental illness, and I hope that someday you're that willing to stand by me again.
Love,
Jessica
The First Step
I'm starting to get a little frustrated. When I decided to move back to Flagstaff, I was pretty upbeat about it. I mean, I'm still heartbroken over the whole situation, but I thought, this'll be my chance to really get myself together. To really improve myself so that I can live my life with or without Corey. And I feel so READY to do all that, I feel so READY to finally get better once and for all.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
7.28.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
I miss you. More than anything, that's what I feel right now. For some reason I've just really been aware of it lately--how much I miss you and how strange it is to just not really have you in my life.
I won't lie, sometimes I feel bitter and angry towards you; sometimes I wish you were here just so I could yell at you for breaking my heart. I think of things sometimes and just get made. Like that it feels like a slap in the face that you dumped me on the last day of school; that you were like, you helped me get through the school year and now take a hike. That really, really fucking hurt. Or about how you promised to help me get better and then sent me away to do it by myself. (I know that's not right, because when you were willing to help me I wasn't willing to be helped, and I know that). Sometimes I think you just want someone who's perfect and I couldn't be perfect fast enough.
Sometimes I just wonder what went wrong. Because sometimes it still feels very unreal.
But at the end of the day I always still love you. And I still hope with all my heart that eventually we'll both be in a place where we can be together again. That's what I want.
The thing is, when we were together, even though I loved you and was sure, there was always this tiny part of my head that questioned whether or not it was really what I wanted. I think it was mostly just mental illness but every now and then I'd have a day where I'd wonder what it would be like if I weren't with you, if I weren't getting married, etc. It always went away but it bugged me that I thought those things at all, mental illness or no.
But the time apart from you has made me realize how much that is what I want. I want to be with you. I want to get married. I want to build a life with you and do all of the things we'd planned to do together. And I hope that on some level you still want that too.
I love you. Very much.
Love,
Jessica
I miss you. More than anything, that's what I feel right now. For some reason I've just really been aware of it lately--how much I miss you and how strange it is to just not really have you in my life.
I won't lie, sometimes I feel bitter and angry towards you; sometimes I wish you were here just so I could yell at you for breaking my heart. I think of things sometimes and just get made. Like that it feels like a slap in the face that you dumped me on the last day of school; that you were like, you helped me get through the school year and now take a hike. That really, really fucking hurt. Or about how you promised to help me get better and then sent me away to do it by myself. (I know that's not right, because when you were willing to help me I wasn't willing to be helped, and I know that). Sometimes I think you just want someone who's perfect and I couldn't be perfect fast enough.
Sometimes I just wonder what went wrong. Because sometimes it still feels very unreal.
But at the end of the day I always still love you. And I still hope with all my heart that eventually we'll both be in a place where we can be together again. That's what I want.
The thing is, when we were together, even though I loved you and was sure, there was always this tiny part of my head that questioned whether or not it was really what I wanted. I think it was mostly just mental illness but every now and then I'd have a day where I'd wonder what it would be like if I weren't with you, if I weren't getting married, etc. It always went away but it bugged me that I thought those things at all, mental illness or no.
But the time apart from you has made me realize how much that is what I want. I want to be with you. I want to get married. I want to build a life with you and do all of the things we'd planned to do together. And I hope that on some level you still want that too.
I love you. Very much.
Love,
Jessica
9816 Ways to Suck
I need to vent about work.
So. First of all, it took the corporate office 2 weeks to get my transfer put through, so I lost 2 weeks of work and money. That sucks.
Last week I finally got to start working. On my second shift, which was a Lifestyles shift, I was doing the hardware audit and I was in the back room counting stuff. While I was back there the store manager and the books manager were also there, working on whatever. And they were chatting, at first about just random stuff. Then, to my surprise, their conversation turned into just a long series of them bashing other employees. The books manager kept talking about how she's going to make people cry and blah blah blah. And the store manager was just laughing and encouraging here, and they seriously spent like 20 minutes making fun of and insulting other employees.
I was horrified. It's unprofessional for them to do that to begin with; it's even more unprofessional for them to do it at the store. But it's insanely unprofessional of them to do it in front of a CSA--a CSA who's new to the store no less! It was just a really uncomfortable situation. I have absolutely no respect for either of them now, and I worry what they say behind my back when I'm not around. I really, really don't like that.
And probably as an extension of that kind of attitude, there is no sense of a team in that store. There's no sense that any of the associates have each others' backs, if that makes sense. I mean, the store here is very disorganized and unstructured, but that's been the case forever, so I was expecting that. I can handle that (although I will say it's worse than I've ever seen it at this point). But in the past, there at least was a good crew, and I had friends to work with. I trusted the people I work with. And I went into this with an attitude of optimism, thinking I'd be nice and try to make friends with my co-workers and whatever. But now I have no desire to befriend any of them. In fact, my gut instinct is to just flat out not trust a single one of them. Now, I have never, at any of my jobs, liked every single one of my co-workers, and I think that's normal--you can't get along perfectly with everyone. But I've never walked into a place of work and just thought--not a single one of these people could be my friend. It's really, really depressing. So I just kinda do my job, and I document the shit out of everything I do because I know that anyone who works there would throw me under the bus to avoid taking blame for something they did.
So this past Thursday I had another LS shift. When I got there there were 3 cars and one shopping cart of just random crap all around the music/video desk, and the desk itself was covered in stuff too. It was all totally random--jewelry, barware, novelty, CD's, a little bit of everything. I had no clue why it was even there. And of course there was nothing left for me in the notebook so I didn't know what the hell to do with it. I decided to just stock it, but first I had to do the hardware audit, and the planner pages said to do a New to Used purge. So my plan was: hardware audit, purge, stock/straighten. The audit and purge took up until lunch, so I left. When I came back, there was a nasty note for me waiting on the desk from the books manager (who was until recently the Lifestyles manager) basically saying that I needed to make a serious dent in the stuff around the desk after lunch and that high price high shrink electronics were not to be on the desk, and that I needed help. So I had no clue what the electronics shit was that she was talking about but I noticed a second later that there was a portable DVD player and a netbook sitting out on the desk. Well, I knew for a fact that they hadn't been there when I went to lunch--they really weren't, I have a picture of the desk from before I went to lunch (I seriously wanted to document how messy it was). So needless to say I went and found the BM and told her what had happened (and natch, she told me to find out who did it and make them cry . . . she's such a lovely fat woman). I also explained to her that I was planning to stock the stuff around the desk but I'd wanted to do the purge first since it was the day's assignment and she just looked at me like I was nuts. And as she was leaving I made some offhand comment about how random all the stuff on the carts was, and she kinda rolled her eyes and was all, well, Lifestyles isn't my department anymore so I really don't know about that mess. I was like IF IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING DEPARTMENT ANYMORE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LET ME WORK IN IT, YOU FAT COW. And of course I can't complain to anyone about her because as I've seen her and the store manager are best bitches so yeah. Screwed there.
Then tonight I had a video shift. The manager had left a note to alpha rental TV and rental special interest, which is whatever. But next to the note was a second note that said "in alpha, do 2 letters and" and it was scratched out. Then beneath it was a note that said "ask [store manager] about alpha." I was like what the fuck? What did I do the last time I alpha'd that was so freaking bad? Needless to say I did not ask anyone about how to alpha (he was out sick . . . but if he'd been there I still wouldn't have asked).
Then after I clocked out I printed next week's schedule and I am getting a whopping 12 and a quarter hours, which I know is because I'm being punished for changing my availability because I don't have a car.
Add all that to the fact that between tonight and tomorrow night I'm spending $40 in cab fare to get home because I'm scheduled outside of my availability and I am NOT a happy camper.
Seriously, this store is a flipping joke.
So. First of all, it took the corporate office 2 weeks to get my transfer put through, so I lost 2 weeks of work and money. That sucks.
Last week I finally got to start working. On my second shift, which was a Lifestyles shift, I was doing the hardware audit and I was in the back room counting stuff. While I was back there the store manager and the books manager were also there, working on whatever. And they were chatting, at first about just random stuff. Then, to my surprise, their conversation turned into just a long series of them bashing other employees. The books manager kept talking about how she's going to make people cry and blah blah blah. And the store manager was just laughing and encouraging here, and they seriously spent like 20 minutes making fun of and insulting other employees.
I was horrified. It's unprofessional for them to do that to begin with; it's even more unprofessional for them to do it at the store. But it's insanely unprofessional of them to do it in front of a CSA--a CSA who's new to the store no less! It was just a really uncomfortable situation. I have absolutely no respect for either of them now, and I worry what they say behind my back when I'm not around. I really, really don't like that.
And probably as an extension of that kind of attitude, there is no sense of a team in that store. There's no sense that any of the associates have each others' backs, if that makes sense. I mean, the store here is very disorganized and unstructured, but that's been the case forever, so I was expecting that. I can handle that (although I will say it's worse than I've ever seen it at this point). But in the past, there at least was a good crew, and I had friends to work with. I trusted the people I work with. And I went into this with an attitude of optimism, thinking I'd be nice and try to make friends with my co-workers and whatever. But now I have no desire to befriend any of them. In fact, my gut instinct is to just flat out not trust a single one of them. Now, I have never, at any of my jobs, liked every single one of my co-workers, and I think that's normal--you can't get along perfectly with everyone. But I've never walked into a place of work and just thought--not a single one of these people could be my friend. It's really, really depressing. So I just kinda do my job, and I document the shit out of everything I do because I know that anyone who works there would throw me under the bus to avoid taking blame for something they did.
So this past Thursday I had another LS shift. When I got there there were 3 cars and one shopping cart of just random crap all around the music/video desk, and the desk itself was covered in stuff too. It was all totally random--jewelry, barware, novelty, CD's, a little bit of everything. I had no clue why it was even there. And of course there was nothing left for me in the notebook so I didn't know what the hell to do with it. I decided to just stock it, but first I had to do the hardware audit, and the planner pages said to do a New to Used purge. So my plan was: hardware audit, purge, stock/straighten. The audit and purge took up until lunch, so I left. When I came back, there was a nasty note for me waiting on the desk from the books manager (who was until recently the Lifestyles manager) basically saying that I needed to make a serious dent in the stuff around the desk after lunch and that high price high shrink electronics were not to be on the desk, and that I needed help. So I had no clue what the electronics shit was that she was talking about but I noticed a second later that there was a portable DVD player and a netbook sitting out on the desk. Well, I knew for a fact that they hadn't been there when I went to lunch--they really weren't, I have a picture of the desk from before I went to lunch (I seriously wanted to document how messy it was). So needless to say I went and found the BM and told her what had happened (and natch, she told me to find out who did it and make them cry . . . she's such a lovely fat woman). I also explained to her that I was planning to stock the stuff around the desk but I'd wanted to do the purge first since it was the day's assignment and she just looked at me like I was nuts. And as she was leaving I made some offhand comment about how random all the stuff on the carts was, and she kinda rolled her eyes and was all, well, Lifestyles isn't my department anymore so I really don't know about that mess. I was like IF IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING DEPARTMENT ANYMORE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LET ME WORK IN IT, YOU FAT COW. And of course I can't complain to anyone about her because as I've seen her and the store manager are best bitches so yeah. Screwed there.
Then tonight I had a video shift. The manager had left a note to alpha rental TV and rental special interest, which is whatever. But next to the note was a second note that said "in alpha, do 2 letters and" and it was scratched out. Then beneath it was a note that said "ask [store manager] about alpha." I was like what the fuck? What did I do the last time I alpha'd that was so freaking bad? Needless to say I did not ask anyone about how to alpha (he was out sick . . . but if he'd been there I still wouldn't have asked).
Then after I clocked out I printed next week's schedule and I am getting a whopping 12 and a quarter hours, which I know is because I'm being punished for changing my availability because I don't have a car.
Add all that to the fact that between tonight and tomorrow night I'm spending $40 in cab fare to get home because I'm scheduled outside of my availability and I am NOT a happy camper.
Seriously, this store is a flipping joke.
7.27.2012
Lately . . .
I feel like a total slacker.
I don't know what's with me but my thoughts feel totally scattered and unfocused, that lost feeling is creeping back, and I am constantly drained of energy. Like even if I've done absolutely nothing I feel dead--I feel exhausted and my limbs feel heavy and I feel like I can hardly move.
I guess I kinda DO know what's with me. I should be starting my that time of the month pretty quick here and that always effs with me. I have PMDD and it blows. I don't know why God didn't think that bipolar and borderline were enough for me . . . ahem.
I have a lot I want to write about, I've had a lot on my mind lately, but like I said, it all feels so random and scattered that I don't have the energy to make into a coherent/cohesive journal entry. I can't even really make it into coherent thoughts.
Once again . . . patience.
I don't know what's with me but my thoughts feel totally scattered and unfocused, that lost feeling is creeping back, and I am constantly drained of energy. Like even if I've done absolutely nothing I feel dead--I feel exhausted and my limbs feel heavy and I feel like I can hardly move.
I guess I kinda DO know what's with me. I should be starting my that time of the month pretty quick here and that always effs with me. I have PMDD and it blows. I don't know why God didn't think that bipolar and borderline were enough for me . . . ahem.
I have a lot I want to write about, I've had a lot on my mind lately, but like I said, it all feels so random and scattered that I don't have the energy to make into a coherent/cohesive journal entry. I can't even really make it into coherent thoughts.
Once again . . . patience.
7.25.2012
Coming Down
I haven't had a good couple days. In fact I've been pretty fucking miserable.
I think when I got to Flagstaff it was new and there were fun elements of it and so I was on a little bit of a high, and I'm definitely coming down now. I feel almost EXACTLY like I did two and a half years ago when I was in Flagstaff and before I met Corey. Only now it's worse, because I'm going through a break up as well, and at least back then I had a car and my own room. Oh, and I made about triple on unemployment what I'm making at this Hastings so there's that.
I try not to get down but I'm not happy.
I hate taking the bus. I hate it because of all the walking it involves, and it's all uphill--I wake up every single morning sore as fuck and I think at this point I'm getting shin splints. Yay! Plus I have to plan everything on someone else's schedule--I can't just say, I feel like doing this or that, and leave. I fucking HATE it. I never realized how much having a car was tied to my identity and sense of freedom. Plus grocery shopping is a nightmare because we can't buy anything heavy, because we have to carry it home on the bus.
I hate sleeping on an air bed. It blows. I have to reinflate it every few hours thanks to Jenny's cats (which I don't actually hold against her or them, it's just stupid to have to do that), and the parts of my body that don't get sore walking get sore from sleeping on something inflated.
I hate sharing a room. I mean, yes, I shared a room with Corey but that was different so it's weird. I have trouble sleeping with Jerbs in the room.
I hate the Hastings here. My moronic dick of a boss decided that he doesn't need to pay attention to my availability when he schedules me, so Friday and Saturday night I work until 10:30 PM. The last bus is at 8:30 PM on Friday and like 6:30 on Saturday. So I get to spend $40 ($20/night) on cab fare to get home, because no one'll cover my shifts or trade with me. And I get paid tomorrow but given that corporate dragged their feet with my transfer I lost 2 weeks of work, and I got a shift cut during the one week I did work this pay period. So I'll be lucky if my check is $60. So yeah. I'll have about $20 to last me two weeks. Yay!! I'm really fucking glad I don't have bills or anything, y'know.
I hate not being able to work out as much. Yeah I walk all the time but my AF membership is basically being wasted, because I just can't drag myself to do it.
So yeah. There's more I'm sure but I don't feel like writing anymore . . . I'm fucking exhausted.
7.24.2012
Patience, Patience, Patience
That's the lesson I think I'm being taught right now. Patience.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient about work and money. Someone will call me back for a full time job; I just have to be diligent about applying for them. I've been checking the AZ Daily Sun and Craigslist every day. And in the meantime, I just need to stay calm and pray about it and Hastings is better than nothing.
I need to be patient with Ex-Fiance. We talked a little bit tonight and it was about nothing big; I think deep down I'm always hoping that he's going to tell me he loves me and misses me like crazy and whatever, and that never happens. And that's ok. If we're supposed to be together we will be together eventually; in the meantime we need to take baby steps. It is just so hard. But I know that if we got back together now it would be the same as it was and it would just end again.
Suffice it to say I haven't had a great couple days.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient about work and money. Someone will call me back for a full time job; I just have to be diligent about applying for them. I've been checking the AZ Daily Sun and Craigslist every day. And in the meantime, I just need to stay calm and pray about it and Hastings is better than nothing.
I need to be patient with Ex-Fiance. We talked a little bit tonight and it was about nothing big; I think deep down I'm always hoping that he's going to tell me he loves me and misses me like crazy and whatever, and that never happens. And that's ok. If we're supposed to be together we will be together eventually; in the meantime we need to take baby steps. It is just so hard. But I know that if we got back together now it would be the same as it was and it would just end again.
Suffice it to say I haven't had a great couple days.
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