My thyroid is fine.
Completely, 100% fine. Well within normal range on both TSH and T4. Everything else about me is fine too: glucose, iron, anemia test, and EKG, all normal. All "perfect" according to the hack at North Country.
So basically, what we know is that I'm in excellent health except for the small fact that I'm too tired to function and I'm a full 15 pounds heavier than I was two weeks ago.
Y'know, no biggie. It's not like I need to, y'know, live or anything. I can totally just sleep for the rest of my life. Sure.
Needless to say I'm a little pissed.
Let's start at the beginning. On Sunday I checked my voicemails and there was one from NCHC, from the 25th, left a couple hours after I called and bitched and yelled and got a follow up appointment. I don't know how I missed the call, but regardless, it was an MA saying that the hack had finally gone over my labs and that they were all normal. I considered not even bothering with the appointment but those tests were done 2 months ago when I had no symptoms so I figured I'd go and see what happened.
This stupid bitch refused to re-test either the TSH or the T4, and she insisted that there is absolutely 100% no way that my levels could have changed in the two months since those tests were done. She did, however, run a quick glucose test, an anemia test, and for some reason, an EKG, all of which were totally normal. The best she could suggest is that it's depression . . . without any other depressive symptoms. She was like, "Have you lost interest in the things you enjoy?" And I said that no, I haven't lost interest, I just don't have the energy to do them at the moment. She said we should consider Lithium toxicity and I was like, are you effing kidding me? Do you think I don't know the symptoms of Lithium toxicity? My psychiatrist has hammered them into my head at every freaking visit I've ever had with him so I know what to watch out for and I do.
My favorite part, though, was the repeated insinuation that I'm lying about my sexual history. At my first visit with the hack, she suggested a couple times I have an STD screening, which believe me, I do not need. Even remotely. Today she flat out said I could be HIV+ and I should consider being tested . . . even after I told her several times that I wasn't interested in STD testing. I was so fucking offended. I can't even . . . good lord, I can't even tell you. And I could just tell she thought I was lying, which I know happens, but it definitely wasn't the case here. It was very upsetting. And then she did a urine dip to check for sugars and proteins and all that, and she fucking had a pregnancy test run as well. Without telling me she was going to do that, which is fairly illegal, and also totally pointless. She was like, well, you're not pregnant! No fucking shit Sherlock!
So I guess at this point the next step is to talk to my psychiatrist about possibly adjusting my AD dosage (the hack didn't understand why I was on such a low dose and I was like, hello, bipolar?)
The good news is that I bitched enough to not get charged for today. So go me.
I'm really disappointed, because I missed 3.5 hours of work for nothing, and I was really sure I'd walk away with an answer and a solution, and instead, I still feel like shit and I have no idea what to do about it.
Maybe the hack is right and it is a depressive episode. I mean, it's possible, I guess. Maybe I'm just not sleeping well . . . there are some issues with that right now but as far as I'd thought, it wasn't that significant so . . . who knows. Maybe I just have had a touch of the flu or something, or maybe it's a mono flair up.
I just know that right now I'm flat out dreading just living because I'm so fucking miserable.
4.28.2013
Frustrations, Time Travel, Etc.
So this thyroid thing is getting really, really annoying.
For example, yesterday was a beautiful spring Saturday (it's officially spring because I saw a butterfly the other day), and I wanted to be out and about. But I had no energy. I didn't have enough energy to shower let alone go out. I spent the whole day in my chair watching White Collar on Netflix and doing low energy things like painting my toenails and cutting out patterns. It was lame. I hate this because for years I was mentally unable to do anything, and now that I'm mentally healthy and WANT to do stuff, I'm physically unable.
Plus, the weight gain is really, really frustrating. I started the year so damn determined and I was doing so well! But now I've gained weight from my thyroid being out of wack, plus I don't have any energy to work out at all, plus the low energy means more soda to keep myself going during the day. So needless to say, I feel dis.gus.ting. I hate it.
I keep telling myself that Monday is almost here and that after that this will get better. As much as I'm not looking forward to going to NCHC again I'll be glad to get this nipped in the bud so that I can get on with my life. I never thought I'd crave exercise but I do . . . I just want to move my body and not being able to blows. I'm also feeling very creative lately but I don't have the energy to write.
I do have some anxiety that I'll go to the appt. and they'll tell me my thyroid is fine and that I'm just going to have to deal with feeling like shit indefinitely. I'm trying not to think about that possibility, and I am telling myself how very, very unlikely it is . . . really, what are the chances I'm taking a potentially thyroid altering medication and having thyroid related symptoms and and have had high TSH tests already and it's not my thyroid? Slim to none, I'd think. I think I worry that on some level I'm just being lazy and detached and not engaging in my life.
Anyway, I stayed up late last night watching White Collar (too late . . . like 5 AM kinda late . . . latest I've stayed up since I started working) and just sort of thinking. The windows were open and there was a nice, cool breeze coming in. At one point I went in the bedroom to get something and I could feel the breeze, and it smelled like summer time, and I could smell my sleep therapy spray and this candle (Wine Country) that I've had forever and it was an intensely eerie feeling. It felt exactly the way nights felt years ago, when I lived on the other side of this apartment complex (it's so strange to think that just a few hundred yards away is where my whole life used to be). The details now are a lot different: I'm employed instead of unemployed, mentally healthy instead of mentally unstable, there are more pets and fewer rooms, and a different view from the windows. Aside from those, though, it's almost like nothing ever changed. Nights like that it's easy to imagine that Corey and I never met, that the reality is just this and not that I found and lost my soul mate, that there was this whole other life in a whole different place in between then and now.
The nights felt like this right before I met him so in my head there's always that association.
At the same time I feel like the memories of him are starting to fade. The other day something reminded me of something really sweet he said to me once when we were first together--the thing that made me sure I was in love with him, actually. I used to think of it all the time but when I remembered it the other day, it surprised me, because . . . I'd almost forgotten it had happened. I'd forgotten I had it stored in my mind, if that makes sense. And I was surprised to see it again and also surprised to realize how long it had been since I'd thought of it.
Now I'm just rambling, but this fading makes me really uncomfortable. It's like I'm losing what's left and I don't want that connection to completely disappear. Then there are times that I tell myself it's all just memories now; that someday it will have been ten years since I've seen or heard from him, and that the memories will be even more faded then. It scares me. And it still blows my mind to think that something that was so important, someone that was so important, something that mattered so much and that you put so much of yourself into can just be fading things tucked away into the back of your mind.
I don't like that one bit.
But I also have more faith than ever that if it's meant to be it'll be.
For example, yesterday was a beautiful spring Saturday (it's officially spring because I saw a butterfly the other day), and I wanted to be out and about. But I had no energy. I didn't have enough energy to shower let alone go out. I spent the whole day in my chair watching White Collar on Netflix and doing low energy things like painting my toenails and cutting out patterns. It was lame. I hate this because for years I was mentally unable to do anything, and now that I'm mentally healthy and WANT to do stuff, I'm physically unable.
Plus, the weight gain is really, really frustrating. I started the year so damn determined and I was doing so well! But now I've gained weight from my thyroid being out of wack, plus I don't have any energy to work out at all, plus the low energy means more soda to keep myself going during the day. So needless to say, I feel dis.gus.ting. I hate it.
I keep telling myself that Monday is almost here and that after that this will get better. As much as I'm not looking forward to going to NCHC again I'll be glad to get this nipped in the bud so that I can get on with my life. I never thought I'd crave exercise but I do . . . I just want to move my body and not being able to blows. I'm also feeling very creative lately but I don't have the energy to write.
I do have some anxiety that I'll go to the appt. and they'll tell me my thyroid is fine and that I'm just going to have to deal with feeling like shit indefinitely. I'm trying not to think about that possibility, and I am telling myself how very, very unlikely it is . . . really, what are the chances I'm taking a potentially thyroid altering medication and having thyroid related symptoms and and have had high TSH tests already and it's not my thyroid? Slim to none, I'd think. I think I worry that on some level I'm just being lazy and detached and not engaging in my life.
Anyway, I stayed up late last night watching White Collar (too late . . . like 5 AM kinda late . . . latest I've stayed up since I started working) and just sort of thinking. The windows were open and there was a nice, cool breeze coming in. At one point I went in the bedroom to get something and I could feel the breeze, and it smelled like summer time, and I could smell my sleep therapy spray and this candle (Wine Country) that I've had forever and it was an intensely eerie feeling. It felt exactly the way nights felt years ago, when I lived on the other side of this apartment complex (it's so strange to think that just a few hundred yards away is where my whole life used to be). The details now are a lot different: I'm employed instead of unemployed, mentally healthy instead of mentally unstable, there are more pets and fewer rooms, and a different view from the windows. Aside from those, though, it's almost like nothing ever changed. Nights like that it's easy to imagine that Corey and I never met, that the reality is just this and not that I found and lost my soul mate, that there was this whole other life in a whole different place in between then and now.
The nights felt like this right before I met him so in my head there's always that association.
At the same time I feel like the memories of him are starting to fade. The other day something reminded me of something really sweet he said to me once when we were first together--the thing that made me sure I was in love with him, actually. I used to think of it all the time but when I remembered it the other day, it surprised me, because . . . I'd almost forgotten it had happened. I'd forgotten I had it stored in my mind, if that makes sense. And I was surprised to see it again and also surprised to realize how long it had been since I'd thought of it.
Now I'm just rambling, but this fading makes me really uncomfortable. It's like I'm losing what's left and I don't want that connection to completely disappear. Then there are times that I tell myself it's all just memories now; that someday it will have been ten years since I've seen or heard from him, and that the memories will be even more faded then. It scares me. And it still blows my mind to think that something that was so important, someone that was so important, something that mattered so much and that you put so much of yourself into can just be fading things tucked away into the back of your mind.
I don't like that one bit.
But I also have more faith than ever that if it's meant to be it'll be.
4.25.2013
Damn Thyroid
Remember how, back in February, I had a really awful doctor's appointment to check out my thyroid? Well, I'm going back to the awful place on Monday to get this all squared away because all of a sudden, I'm having symptoms of hypothyroidism.
Let's start at the beginning.
I have a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) test done every three months, because Lithium can screw with your thyroid. The two most recent times I had this test done, my TSH was a little high, which indicates hypothyroidism (that sounds like totally backwards logic, I know, but it makes sense when the doctors explain it). So my psychiatrist, in February, insisted that I see a PCP to get it checked more thoroughly and potentially go on thyroid medication. I went to North Country HealthCare, because they're very geared to people without insurance, and they have a sliding scale fee so what you pay is based on income. I'd been there once before about 2 years ago to see a psychiatrist, and I had a horrible experience. Like, horrible. Which is why I ended up finding my current psychiatrist and all that. Needless to say I was reluctant to go back but I thought, it's been 2 years, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Nope. The woman I saw was completely incompetent. I explained to her right off the bat that I was on Lithium, my psychiatrist had wanted me to see someone, and that my thyroid might be off from the Lithium. She launched into some BS about how I needed to have an STD exam and tried to schedule it for me . . . I was like, um, no. She asked me twice if I was seeing a psychiatrist despite the fact that I said that to begin with, and I had to tell her I was on Lithium 3 times before it stuck in her little tiny brain, and when it finally did, she was like, "You're on Lithium? Have you considered that you might be bipolar?" I was like wtf? No, dumbass, I take it just for the hell of it because y'know, I enjoy poisoning myself. She also made me do a whole body exam where I laid on the table and she touched me damn near everywhere, which was both awkward and unnecessary. I was so uncomfortable. In the last 5 minutes of the visit she suddenly became marginally useful and ordered a T4 test; T4 is the hormone that will be low if you have hypothyroidism. I got my blood drawn that day and figured I'd hear back no later than a week from then.
Well, fast forward to the end of March, and I've gone a month without any contact from NCHC. I finally called them and was told that the provider hadn't signed off on them yet (really? after a fucking month?) and that they'd have her call me. A week and a half later, still nothing, so I called again and got the same BS, and then a week after that I called again and the same thing happened. I'm assuming that they needed me to come in for results but no one ever actually said that so . . . yeah.
Really, I wasn't too concerned, because at the time of my appt. I'd been having no hypothyroid symptoms, and I didn't think there was really anything to worry about. I was just aggravated with the unprofessionalism.
And then, the past two weeks, I have felt like hell. Last week, I missed work because I was too tired to be there; I've damn near collapsed every day this week as soon as I got home from work. I'm just flat out exhausted all the time. My muscles are sore and weak all over, especially my legs and arms, and my face has swollen up a couple times. My period this month was totally irregular, and I've gained 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks. And I realized this morning that every single one of those symptoms is a symptom of hypothyroidism.
Well, shit.
So I called NCHC today (2 damn months after I was seen) and got an appointment for Monday so I can find out what's going on and start treatment. I don't want to go back there in the least but I can't keep living like this . . . I'm freaking miserable. I hate feeling so out of it, especially at work. I hate not being able to work out, and I really hate that I've gained weight after I was working so hard to lose it. (As far as that goes, I'm just telling myself to relax, and that once the thyroid thing is taken care of I can focus harder on losing weight. And besides, it's not like there's a deadline on the weight loss thing, and if I don't hit my goal at the end of the year, I can just keep at it next year. Because life is just life . . . but that's another entry).
I made it clear to the receptionist I spoke to that I was not happy with the way things were handled. I'm seeing the same woman I did last time and I was told that this will be the last time I can see her since she's leaving the practice; I said that was fine because I have no intention of setting foot in that clinic again after this next appointment.
So that's that. I'm actually really relieved to know what's going on with me, because I was really freaked out at how bad I was feeling. At least this is something fixable.
Let's start at the beginning.
I have a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) test done every three months, because Lithium can screw with your thyroid. The two most recent times I had this test done, my TSH was a little high, which indicates hypothyroidism (that sounds like totally backwards logic, I know, but it makes sense when the doctors explain it). So my psychiatrist, in February, insisted that I see a PCP to get it checked more thoroughly and potentially go on thyroid medication. I went to North Country HealthCare, because they're very geared to people without insurance, and they have a sliding scale fee so what you pay is based on income. I'd been there once before about 2 years ago to see a psychiatrist, and I had a horrible experience. Like, horrible. Which is why I ended up finding my current psychiatrist and all that. Needless to say I was reluctant to go back but I thought, it's been 2 years, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Nope. The woman I saw was completely incompetent. I explained to her right off the bat that I was on Lithium, my psychiatrist had wanted me to see someone, and that my thyroid might be off from the Lithium. She launched into some BS about how I needed to have an STD exam and tried to schedule it for me . . . I was like, um, no. She asked me twice if I was seeing a psychiatrist despite the fact that I said that to begin with, and I had to tell her I was on Lithium 3 times before it stuck in her little tiny brain, and when it finally did, she was like, "You're on Lithium? Have you considered that you might be bipolar?" I was like wtf? No, dumbass, I take it just for the hell of it because y'know, I enjoy poisoning myself. She also made me do a whole body exam where I laid on the table and she touched me damn near everywhere, which was both awkward and unnecessary. I was so uncomfortable. In the last 5 minutes of the visit she suddenly became marginally useful and ordered a T4 test; T4 is the hormone that will be low if you have hypothyroidism. I got my blood drawn that day and figured I'd hear back no later than a week from then.
Well, fast forward to the end of March, and I've gone a month without any contact from NCHC. I finally called them and was told that the provider hadn't signed off on them yet (really? after a fucking month?) and that they'd have her call me. A week and a half later, still nothing, so I called again and got the same BS, and then a week after that I called again and the same thing happened. I'm assuming that they needed me to come in for results but no one ever actually said that so . . . yeah.
Really, I wasn't too concerned, because at the time of my appt. I'd been having no hypothyroid symptoms, and I didn't think there was really anything to worry about. I was just aggravated with the unprofessionalism.
And then, the past two weeks, I have felt like hell. Last week, I missed work because I was too tired to be there; I've damn near collapsed every day this week as soon as I got home from work. I'm just flat out exhausted all the time. My muscles are sore and weak all over, especially my legs and arms, and my face has swollen up a couple times. My period this month was totally irregular, and I've gained 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks. And I realized this morning that every single one of those symptoms is a symptom of hypothyroidism.
Well, shit.
So I called NCHC today (2 damn months after I was seen) and got an appointment for Monday so I can find out what's going on and start treatment. I don't want to go back there in the least but I can't keep living like this . . . I'm freaking miserable. I hate feeling so out of it, especially at work. I hate not being able to work out, and I really hate that I've gained weight after I was working so hard to lose it. (As far as that goes, I'm just telling myself to relax, and that once the thyroid thing is taken care of I can focus harder on losing weight. And besides, it's not like there's a deadline on the weight loss thing, and if I don't hit my goal at the end of the year, I can just keep at it next year. Because life is just life . . . but that's another entry).
I made it clear to the receptionist I spoke to that I was not happy with the way things were handled. I'm seeing the same woman I did last time and I was told that this will be the last time I can see her since she's leaving the practice; I said that was fine because I have no intention of setting foot in that clinic again after this next appointment.
So that's that. I'm actually really relieved to know what's going on with me, because I was really freaked out at how bad I was feeling. At least this is something fixable.
4.19.2013
Spoiling Myself
Today was payday. And I have to admit that I spoiled myself a little. For good reason, though.
I invested in some new shoes--a super cute pair of nude pumps with 2 inch heals that will go with anything I wear to work. They were only $20 and I figured why not? And Payless was having a sale on purses so I ended up buying 2 of them . . . I really needed a new purse and the second one was half off so really, it was an awesome deal.
I treated Jerbs to dinner.
Then I bought the usual stuff I need at WalMart (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, etc) plus a new work shirt. And some folders to store my patterns in since I've been sewing so much lately. And a couple other little things. And another new pair of shoes . . . I have no decent flats anymore, and I needed something for this time of year and the occasional summer night when it's too warm for tennis shoes but too cool for flip flops.
It all adds up, and yes, I spent too much money, and yes, I feel a little guilty about it.
At the same time, though, with the exception of the second purse and the flats, I didn't buy anything I didn't actually need. I feel like building my professional wardrobe is a necessity right now, because part of my job is looking professional. And I didn't spend so much that I won't be able to pay bills and rent and whatever; really, the only way this effects me is that I end up having less to save towards my car down payment. And that only effects me so . . . yeah.
And I had a shitty week. I think I deserved a little spoiling.
This weekend, though, I'm determined to write up a budget that I can stick to.
I invested in some new shoes--a super cute pair of nude pumps with 2 inch heals that will go with anything I wear to work. They were only $20 and I figured why not? And Payless was having a sale on purses so I ended up buying 2 of them . . . I really needed a new purse and the second one was half off so really, it was an awesome deal.
I treated Jerbs to dinner.
Then I bought the usual stuff I need at WalMart (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, etc) plus a new work shirt. And some folders to store my patterns in since I've been sewing so much lately. And a couple other little things. And another new pair of shoes . . . I have no decent flats anymore, and I needed something for this time of year and the occasional summer night when it's too warm for tennis shoes but too cool for flip flops.
It all adds up, and yes, I spent too much money, and yes, I feel a little guilty about it.
At the same time, though, with the exception of the second purse and the flats, I didn't buy anything I didn't actually need. I feel like building my professional wardrobe is a necessity right now, because part of my job is looking professional. And I didn't spend so much that I won't be able to pay bills and rent and whatever; really, the only way this effects me is that I end up having less to save towards my car down payment. And that only effects me so . . . yeah.
And I had a shitty week. I think I deserved a little spoiling.
This weekend, though, I'm determined to write up a budget that I can stick to.
4.18.2013
2 Years
As I posted that lovely entry about being sick, I noticed the date: April 18th. It's a significant date because it was on April 18th, 2011 that I went to my first appointment with my current doctor, when I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.
Which means that today marks the 2 year anniversary of my real journey to getting better.
I'm not even really sure what I want to say about this, but I feel like I should say something.
First and foremost, I can't believe it was two years ago that I got help but that it's only been about 8 months-ish that I've actually been really, truly better. I still feel a little bit ashamed of that, but at the same time, better late than never. I never expected things to go the way they did but I never expected getting better to be easy, either.
Corey took me to that first appointment. I remember shaking like a leaf the whole way there because I was so nervous; I think he took my hand and said a prayer for me before we went into the office. My doctor turned out to be amazing--smart and competent and willing to really listen--and I was incredibly impressed with him, especially considering we only chose him because he was the first doctor Corey called who took uninsured patients. I owe a lot to my doctor.
That appointment lasted an hour and a half and cost $235. I paid some, Corey paid some, Jerbs paid some, and my mom paid some--it was definitely a group effort to get me there.
My head is still fuzzy so I think I'll just say thank you. I owe thank yous to a lot of people in this but there's one in particular I feel like getting off my chest tonight . . . I'll write out the rest later, when my head's clear.
Thank you Corey, for finding me a good doctor and for getting me to that first appointment; thank you for insisting so fiercely that I was worth getting better. I know that you meant it, and that you wanted me to get better because you loved me. Even if that's not true now, I know that I wouldn't have gotten help if you hadn't pushed me to, and that I owe a lot of this to you. I am grateful for your help. I am also deeply, deeply sorry that you got hurt so much in the process; I hope that you can forgive me for that, and I hope that you know the girl who put you through all that pain and BS is not who I really am. Regardless of what's happened between us, and regardless of what happens between us in the future, I'll remain grateful.
That's it for tonight. I need to lie down.
Which means that today marks the 2 year anniversary of my real journey to getting better.
I'm not even really sure what I want to say about this, but I feel like I should say something.
First and foremost, I can't believe it was two years ago that I got help but that it's only been about 8 months-ish that I've actually been really, truly better. I still feel a little bit ashamed of that, but at the same time, better late than never. I never expected things to go the way they did but I never expected getting better to be easy, either.
Corey took me to that first appointment. I remember shaking like a leaf the whole way there because I was so nervous; I think he took my hand and said a prayer for me before we went into the office. My doctor turned out to be amazing--smart and competent and willing to really listen--and I was incredibly impressed with him, especially considering we only chose him because he was the first doctor Corey called who took uninsured patients. I owe a lot to my doctor.
That appointment lasted an hour and a half and cost $235. I paid some, Corey paid some, Jerbs paid some, and my mom paid some--it was definitely a group effort to get me there.
My head is still fuzzy so I think I'll just say thank you. I owe thank yous to a lot of people in this but there's one in particular I feel like getting off my chest tonight . . . I'll write out the rest later, when my head's clear.
Thank you Corey, for finding me a good doctor and for getting me to that first appointment; thank you for insisting so fiercely that I was worth getting better. I know that you meant it, and that you wanted me to get better because you loved me. Even if that's not true now, I know that I wouldn't have gotten help if you hadn't pushed me to, and that I owe a lot of this to you. I am grateful for your help. I am also deeply, deeply sorry that you got hurt so much in the process; I hope that you can forgive me for that, and I hope that you know the girl who put you through all that pain and BS is not who I really am. Regardless of what's happened between us, and regardless of what happens between us in the future, I'll remain grateful.
That's it for tonight. I need to lie down.
Sickly
I left work early sick yesterday, and I missed work completely today. It's aggravating but it was necessary.
Basically yesterday, I woke up feeling OK, and by the time I got on the bus, I felt horrible. I don't even know how to describe it . . . I was completely exhausted even though I'd slept well, my head was pounding and throbbing in the worst way, and I felt so weak I honestly didn't know if I'd be able to walk off the bus. I got to work, ate breakfast, etc, and I just kept feeling worse. Plus I was freezing cold. One of my co-workers felt my head and said I was really warm. At that point I asked if I could go because I was literally falling asleep at my desk. If I'd been able to suck it up and stay I'd have gotten nothing done and I hate the idea of being at work getting paid for nothing. So I came home and passed.out. I was seriously so tired . . . like I don't remember having ever been as tired as I was, it was so weird. I slept until 8 pm and went back to bed at midnight, still feeling pretty crappy.
I woke up this morning and felt worse. I told myself to suck it up and dragged myself out of bed; when I took a shower my arms felt so weak I could hardly lift them to wash my hair. Halfway through blow drying my hair I realized there was no way in hell I was going to make it to work and be even remotely comfortable, so I called my boss and left her a voicemail saying I was still sick. (I think I was running a fever at this point too). Went back to bed, woke quite a few hours later, felt OK, and attempted to go get food with Jerbs.
That was a huge mistake. A few bites into my pasta at Wildflower I had to run to the bathroom and puke . . . it suuuucked.
Not a pleasant day. But I'm feeling a little better now. I just don't know wtf happened . . . and I hate when my body does things that I don't understand.
It could all be menstrual related, because my period started yesterday while I was on my way home from work. Or I could have legit had a touch of the stomach flu. Or certain mental issues could be translating themselves into physical symptoms but that's a whole nother story.
Anyway. Hopefully I can work tomorrow, because I really hate missing.
Basically yesterday, I woke up feeling OK, and by the time I got on the bus, I felt horrible. I don't even know how to describe it . . . I was completely exhausted even though I'd slept well, my head was pounding and throbbing in the worst way, and I felt so weak I honestly didn't know if I'd be able to walk off the bus. I got to work, ate breakfast, etc, and I just kept feeling worse. Plus I was freezing cold. One of my co-workers felt my head and said I was really warm. At that point I asked if I could go because I was literally falling asleep at my desk. If I'd been able to suck it up and stay I'd have gotten nothing done and I hate the idea of being at work getting paid for nothing. So I came home and passed.out. I was seriously so tired . . . like I don't remember having ever been as tired as I was, it was so weird. I slept until 8 pm and went back to bed at midnight, still feeling pretty crappy.
I woke up this morning and felt worse. I told myself to suck it up and dragged myself out of bed; when I took a shower my arms felt so weak I could hardly lift them to wash my hair. Halfway through blow drying my hair I realized there was no way in hell I was going to make it to work and be even remotely comfortable, so I called my boss and left her a voicemail saying I was still sick. (I think I was running a fever at this point too). Went back to bed, woke quite a few hours later, felt OK, and attempted to go get food with Jerbs.
That was a huge mistake. A few bites into my pasta at Wildflower I had to run to the bathroom and puke . . . it suuuucked.
Not a pleasant day. But I'm feeling a little better now. I just don't know wtf happened . . . and I hate when my body does things that I don't understand.
It could all be menstrual related, because my period started yesterday while I was on my way home from work. Or I could have legit had a touch of the stomach flu. Or certain mental issues could be translating themselves into physical symptoms but that's a whole nother story.
Anyway. Hopefully I can work tomorrow, because I really hate missing.
4.15.2013
Something I Don't Understand
Sometimes, when I really think about it, what confuses me the most is what keeps me holding on. Why I'm not over him. Why I haven't just moved on with my life. What was so great about him anyway? What was so great about that life and that relationship and what was it that made me so sure I wanted to marry him?
What was so great that even now, almost a year--a whole fucking year--after the break up I am no closer to being over him than I was the day it happened?
I thought time would help. And I guess it has because if you'd seen me the night he dumped me compared to now you wouldn't believe I was the same person.
Time has helped with the me things. Not the me and him things. And I really don't get it. Especially considering how much I got hurt at the end.
That's it for today. No cheesy "but" at the end of this entry. I really just . . . don't get it.
What was so great that even now, almost a year--a whole fucking year--after the break up I am no closer to being over him than I was the day it happened?
I thought time would help. And I guess it has because if you'd seen me the night he dumped me compared to now you wouldn't believe I was the same person.
Time has helped with the me things. Not the me and him things. And I really don't get it. Especially considering how much I got hurt at the end.
That's it for today. No cheesy "but" at the end of this entry. I really just . . . don't get it.
4.12.2013
Up and Down and Back Up and Back Down
That's how this week was.
A good number of excellent, happy moments that made me feel like I could do anything and that reminded me of how good my life is right now and how much better I am right now than I've ever been in my entire adult life. A few moments of complete and utter frustration that turned into anger that bordered on rage. A few moments of just feeling sad and stressed and breaking down crying. Some moments of disappointment in myself because remember all that motivation I had at the beginning of the month? Kinda lost it this week.
I just have a lot on my mind. A lot kind of running through my head that I need to sort out for myself, which I'm hoping to do this weekend so that on Monday I can . . . y'know, not feel like shit.
The Good
-winning my first insurance appeal at work (which got me a high five from my boss haha)
-my boss bringing one of the beautiful quilts she made to work to show me (since we talk about sewing)
-making a skirt (not quite finished, I need to do the hem on one side, but still) and a drawstring bag for my gym stuff
-I made it to the gym on Thursday and it felt awesome
-Max finally going to the bathroom when I take him on walks! (for awhile he'd only go for Jerbs)
The Bad
-the snow we randomly got on Monday and Tuesday, which made it a very cold pain in the ass to leave the house . . . I didn't make it to the gym either day because I just didn't feel like walking over to the gym in the snow
-not working out on Wednesday either because at lunch we had a going away party for a co-worker whose last day was today
-feeling really tired and sickish all week for no apparent reason . . . seriously, random headaches and nausea? don't get it
-not having a car . . . the bus thing is really starting to wear on me, I think. I don't mind taking the bus and walking at all, I really don't, but not being able to do things after work because of the bus schedule really, really bothers me
-leaving my keys at work one day and having to break into the apartment when I got home (Wednesday)
-leaving my keys at home today, which meant I couldn't go to the gym (you have to have your little scan card to get in, period, and mine is on my keys) (thankfully Jerbs found them and left them outside for me)
-feeling like I couldn't even attempt to do well diet wise
--all of the breakup/bipolar/self improvement stuff I'm still working through
So yeah. Not my best. I am so excited for the weekend.
A good number of excellent, happy moments that made me feel like I could do anything and that reminded me of how good my life is right now and how much better I am right now than I've ever been in my entire adult life. A few moments of complete and utter frustration that turned into anger that bordered on rage. A few moments of just feeling sad and stressed and breaking down crying. Some moments of disappointment in myself because remember all that motivation I had at the beginning of the month? Kinda lost it this week.
I just have a lot on my mind. A lot kind of running through my head that I need to sort out for myself, which I'm hoping to do this weekend so that on Monday I can . . . y'know, not feel like shit.
The Good
-winning my first insurance appeal at work (which got me a high five from my boss haha)
-my boss bringing one of the beautiful quilts she made to work to show me (since we talk about sewing)
-making a skirt (not quite finished, I need to do the hem on one side, but still) and a drawstring bag for my gym stuff
-I made it to the gym on Thursday and it felt awesome
-Max finally going to the bathroom when I take him on walks! (for awhile he'd only go for Jerbs)
The Bad
-the snow we randomly got on Monday and Tuesday, which made it a very cold pain in the ass to leave the house . . . I didn't make it to the gym either day because I just didn't feel like walking over to the gym in the snow
-not working out on Wednesday either because at lunch we had a going away party for a co-worker whose last day was today
-feeling really tired and sickish all week for no apparent reason . . . seriously, random headaches and nausea? don't get it
-not having a car . . . the bus thing is really starting to wear on me, I think. I don't mind taking the bus and walking at all, I really don't, but not being able to do things after work because of the bus schedule really, really bothers me
-leaving my keys at work one day and having to break into the apartment when I got home (Wednesday)
-leaving my keys at home today, which meant I couldn't go to the gym (you have to have your little scan card to get in, period, and mine is on my keys) (thankfully Jerbs found them and left them outside for me)
-feeling like I couldn't even attempt to do well diet wise
--all of the breakup/bipolar/self improvement stuff I'm still working through
So yeah. Not my best. I am so excited for the weekend.
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