Weigh In # 2 (2015)

Weight: 187.4

2 pounds down for January.  Not too shabby.  I think I'd have done better if it wasn't for my vacation, because I really didn't do super well on food that week (who wants to diet on vacation?).

My goal is to be at 179.4 on March 1st.  Someone on the MFP forums pointed out that 01.26.15--03.01.15 is a time frame of 5 weeks, and started up a 5 week challenge group on MFP.  I don't join groups on that site, but I liked the idea of a 5 week challenge, so I'm doing it on my own.  Basically the goal is to lose 10 pounds in the 5 weeks.

I've gotten a lot better about working out this past month, and have actually been making use of my gym membership.  (It helps that we signed up 132 new members this month, so I've been there literally every day processing stuff and making sure change forms stay caught up).  I've just been using the cross training elliptical, which I love, and I can do 25 minutes on it without stopping now.  I'm pretty proud of that!

Vacation!

I'm actually less excited about writing this post than the exclamation point in the title makes it sound, because today is actually the last day of my vacation.  I haven't set foot in MHC since the 9th, and it has been fantastic.  I've never taken this much time off, and I really thought I'd be going crazy before my vacation was half over, but . . . no.  That wasn't the case.  I actually wish I had another 10 days off.

I haven't really done anything special with my time off.  I got some stuff done around the house (cleaning, catching up laundry, organizing things, etc.).  Not as much as I'd hoped to get done, but better than nothing.

Jerbs and I went to Phoenix to visit B and her husband on Wednesday, and that was fun.  We went to a fabric store where I spent more than I should have (almost entirely on Christmas fabric!), and to this nail supply store where the salon brand nail polishes are like half off.  We ended the day eating awesome Mexican food, which was my request, because my favorite Mexican place in Flagstaff closed last August.

On Saturday, my mom and sister came up and spent the day, which was fun.  I took them to Oregano's for lunch, since Kingman is seriously lacking in Italian food, and then we wandered around downtown for awhile.  I also took them to the lookout at Mars Hill for a little while.  Then we took the dogs up to the pond for a walk, where my mom was very entertained by Hollie and her determination to get a duck.  It was a good visit, and long overdue, because my mom hasn't come to visit since I graduated from NAU more than 7 years ago.

Mostly, I just relaxed.  I had all these plans for around the house projects and stuff I was going to get done, but then once I was actually on vacation, I just wanted to rest.  And I think it was needed and well deserved, because I do work a lot.  (And I worked at SHF a few days during my vacation, because . . . well, there's no one else to do my job there).  It was nice.

I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow, because I do like my job, but I'm also dreading it.  Mostly I'm dreading what my inbox probably looks like.  I'm sure it's not going to be pretty.

Our Neighbor Sucks

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my and Jerbs' next door neighbor here before.  Basically, she's a horrible, horrible person, who is miserable and hates everyone and everything and wants everyone around her to be miserable as well.  I've never heard anyone complain as much as she does, and I've never even had a conversation with this woman; it's all just been overheard either when I leave and she's home, or when she's coming home and yelling at someone on the phone as she stomps up the stairs.  (And when I say stomps, I mean it . . . our walls literally shake every time this bitch comes home, it sucks).  We call her Stompy.  Also, she always has her window open, and she makes all of her phone calls on speaker phone, so if our window is open, and we're quiet, we can hear everything.

So anyway, we hate her, and for the past year, we've lived in a state of perpetually wishing she'd just move out.  And last night, it got a lot worse.

This whole past week seems to have been bad for Stompy.  On Monday, people moved into the apartment under her.  On Tuesday, when Jerbs was home, she had to call emergency maintenance for something.  Jerbs said they were there for awhile, and that she could hear Stompy bitching at them through the walls the whole time.  That same day, the new neighbors apparently went out, and their dog (or dogs?) was making noise.  Jerbs was here, and could hear the dog scratching and whining, but she said it wasn't that bad.  But sure enough, at some point in the afternoon, she heard Stompy call the cops on the owners.  The cops ended up not coming, because they know that woman's fucking nuts and overreacts to everything.  On Wednesday, she had maintenance in her apartment again.  Then yesterday, while I was at work, Jerbs overheard a conversation that was basically Stompy screaming at her disability case worker (apparently she's on disability, and it was disability that placed her here).  Anyway, she was screaming at her case worker about how this place is horrible and there's tons of noise pollution (which is BS, this is actually a really quiet complex when you're not, y'know, totally fucking insane), and how she can't ever sleep (because she has a weird sleep schedule in which she sleeps during the day, which makes no sense because she doesn't work), and how it's just as bad as the last few places they put her (which really makes it seem like she's the problem), and how she wants to be moved to somewhere else ASAP.  Which of course would be awesome.  Jerbs texted me all this.

Then last night . . . good Lord.  It was around 10:30 and we heard someone come up the stairs and knock on her door.  It was emergency maintenance.  Which made us laugh.  But we really didn't think anything of it.  Then, around 11, I went to get ready for bed.  So I'm in the bedroom, sitting on my bed, putting on chapstick, when I hear someone screaming, "Call 911!!  Call 911!!  Call 911!!"  And I hear Jerbs saying, in response, "OK, I'll call them, just calm down . . ."  So of course I freaked out.  I honestly thought something was on fire, so I ran out to the living room, where I found Jerbs, on her cell phone, clearly trying not to laugh.

Apparently, the maintenance guy hit a water main in Stompy's apartment, which caused her apartment to flood.  And in the mind of Stompy, the appropriate response to this was to run onto our porch, screaming for us to call 911.  (Bear in mind, too, that maintenance was IN HER APARTMENT when this happened, so really, the correct type of help was already there).  But Jerbs did call 911, and they sent out some firefighters, who left very, very pissed off after about 10 minutes of establishing that there was nothing they could do and that our neighbor is a moron.

I was so freaking mad.  Seriously, you do NOT scream for someone to call 911 because your apartment is flooding.  It was ridiculous.  It's aggravating that after all the time she's bitched about us, she ran to us expecting help, first of all.  Not to mention that calling 911 for that was a complete and utter waste of emergency services.  Needless to say, my adrenaline was pumping after that (I work in a cardiology clinic . . . when someone screams for you to call 911 like that, it means someone is freaking dying), and I absolutely couldn't sleep.  I think I finally dozed off around 2 in the morning, which was super awesome when my alarm went off at 6.  I ended up skipping my shower and sleeping an extra hour, which didn't really help much.

On top of all that, I had to stay the full day at MHC today, and cover the front desk from 1--5.  I didn't leave work until almost 6, and after that I was at SHF until 8.  Which basically means I worked a 12 hour day on 5 hours of sleep.  I am EXHAUSTED.

Thank goodness I'm on vacation all next week!!!

Weigh In # 1 (2015)

189.4 pounds.

Which means that I lost . . . less than 4 pounds in 2014.  Awesome.

But still, I weigh less today than I did last January 1st.  So I am moving, at a glacially slow speed, in the right direction.

I have some good motivation this year, though.  For one thing, I have two weddings to go to this year (one in July, the other in October . . . and at the rate my friends seem to be getting engaged, there might be a few more, too), and I'd like to look nice at them.  I want to be able to buy pretty dresses to wear to them, and feel confident in them.

I also feel like I am maybe, possibly, almost ready to maybe, possibly, start dating again, and that's not going to happen until I feel better about myself.  Which is not going to happen until I like my body.

2014: A Year In Review

I feel like every year, on New Year's Eve, I say, "I can't believe the year is over, it feels like it just flew by."  And tonight is no exception, but I feel like tonight, I mean it more sincerely then ever before.  I feel like it can't possibly have been a whole year ago that I wrote this post about 2013.  I honestly think that's one of the reasons I've felt off the past few weeks--because the year has just gone by so freaking fast!  It's actually kind of disappointing, because I look back and feel like I didn't enjoy it enough, like I didn't engage enough, like I missed out on a lot, like the year went by too quickly and now I'm kicking myself for not taking more advantage of it.  Maybe that's weird, but it's definitely how I feel.  At the same time, I think that maybe this is just how the passage of time feels when you're just living, and there isn't this grand overarching struggle that you're trying to overcome.

Because really, the past few years have come with built in challenges and really, really specific goals.  2011 was the start of my attempt at mental health, and in 2012 I got my heart broken and had to get over a break up and figure out who I was after my engagement ended, and and 2013 was a re-commitment to mental health.  Those were definitive things that were wrong, and I overcame them, and so those years just felt like successes.  Especially 2013, which is the year I really got my shit together, the year I really started to excel.  But 2014 . . . well, 2014 was really just about maintaining that level of success and health.  It's the first year of my adult life that's ever been about maintaining, and just living.  And I think maybe that concept was more of an adjustment than I'd realized, because it honestly wasn't something I thought about being an issue.  In the past, I was always just focused on getting mentally healthy, and I never thought about what came after.

I don't think 2014 was a particularly great year.  It wasn't particularly bad either, though.

In January I celebrated a full year of working at Mountain Heart, which was a huge milestone for me.  I was so proud of myself for being able to hold down a full time job for a whole year, and for being good at my job and really excelling.  And now, I'm proud that in a couple weeks, I'll celebrate two years there.

In February, I turned 29, which has turned out to be a pretty awkward age for me.  And two weeks after my birthday, I lost Benji.  Hands down, that was the worst part of my year.  No question about it.  I miss Benji every single day, and it's still so strange to me that he's not here.  But I really believe I'll see him again someday, and I also believe that he's in Heaven and watching over me.

In March, I adopted Hollie, and she turned out to be the best decision ever as far as Max was concerned.  She's a great dog in and of herself, but she's made Max a much, much better dog.  Those two are best friends, and that makes me happy.

In April . . . I don't remember much of April, to be honest.  Or May.

In June, I got a second job.  It's been helpful but also stressful, and I don't think I've quite mastered the whole balancing one job against the other, and balancing having two jobs with having a non-work life, so that's something I'll be working on this coming year.  I'm really excited, though, to have my second job, and I'd like to hold onto it for the entire year.

In July, Jerbs and I had a quiet Independence Day.  That was the day I got pulled over and the cop asked me if I was Jerbs' mom . . . not the best moment.  But I got to see my family, which is always nice.

In August, my sister and I did the Climb to Conquer Cancer again, and it was awesome.  That was also the month that I adopted Si'l Vous Plait, my Siamese cat.  He's curled up by my feet right now, and he's just the cutest thing.

In September, I finally started seeing a new psychiatrist, and that was a huge weight off my shoulders.  It's never easy to start over like that, but it's been worth it.

October and November were pretty uneventful.  I did go to the NAU Homecoming game for the first time since 2009, and that was one of my favorite days of the whole year.  Halloween was stressful, but Thanksgiving was nice and quiet and relaxing.

December has been disappointing weather wise.  We had a really mild winter last year, and I was hoping for a less mild one this year, but it was a dry season.  We finally got a decent amount of snow today (it's up to my knees in some spots!), so that's nice, and I kind of like the idea of a snowy new year.  I did really enjoy Christmas, though, and I'm glad I was able to spend it with my family.

And now here we are with only about 20 minutes left in 2014.  It makes me sad, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to 2015.  There are some changes I'm ready to make, and I'm prepared to take my 30's by storm.  I'm going into 2015 healthy and hopeful (second year in a row I can say that, go me!), and I think it will be a good year.  I am ringing it in at home, with Jerbs, because it's way too cold to do anything else.

So good-bye, 2014; you were a decent year of living a grown up life.

Christmas 2014

All in all, I had a lovely Christmas this year.

I spent it in Kingman, with my family, and Jerbs got to come, which is always nice.  In the weeks before Christmas I was unhappy because most of my co-workers took Christmas Eve off, and I didn't want to have to be at work all day and not get to Kingman until late.  Then on the 23rd, our medical director decided that billing didn't need to be there on Christmas Eve, so we all got the day off.  I was beyond thrilled, and knowing I could spend more time at home definitely improved my Christmas spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we slept in a little, then loaded up the car, and were in Kingman by 4 PM.

I got to see my mom's new house, and it's super cute!  It has a huge backyard, and I'm just so glad to see her and my sister and aunt living in a nice place that's got room for all of them.  It makes me happy.  We spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and we skipped our usual tradition of driving around to look at Christmas lights and just hung out and ate pizza.  When I told Austin it was Jerbs' birthday, he made her the sweetest little card, it was precious!  I took my parents home, then Jillian and I both spent the night at Jenny's house with Austin.  I read The Night Before Christmas to Austin, and then he was out.  I wrote the letter from Santa (my sister teased me for it taking like 6 drafts, but it's a freaking letter from Santa, it has to be perfect!).  

Christmas morning Austin tore through his Santa gifts (as usual, he was beyond spoiled), and I went back to bed in my sister's room.  That afternoon, I went and had lunch at Golden Corral with Jerbs' family (grandma, her parents, her aunts and uncles . . . it was a huge group).  That was really nice, and it was the first time I'd seen Josh since his car accident back in September; he looked so good, and it was a relief.

We did our family Christmas later that afternoon, since my dad had to work.  It was really, really nice, with no bickering or anything like that.  Everyone loved what I got them, and I got some nice gifts as well.  I honestly didn't want to leave for Flagstaff, but Jerbs had to work yesterday so we had to.  I was hoping to come back to snow, but that didn't happen.  The funniest thing was how happy Hollie was to be home, we let her into the apartment and she went STRAIGHT to her dog bed, curled up, and fell asleep.  She's such a weird dog.

Today I've done absolutely nothing, and it's been glorious.  I'm loving this extra time off from work, it's nice to have a break.

So overall, a good Christmas.  I was worried because of how my visit on Halloween went, but I had a really good time.  I loved seeing my family, and I miss them.  It wasn't perfect; this whole holiday season has stung a little, for the obvious/usual reasons.  I find myself looking forward to the new year, even if it brings me that much closer to being 30.

Better(ish) . . . I Think?

I've felt a little better since my last post.  Maybe not a ton, but enough to notice.  I honestly don't know where that little down swing came from . . . it wasn't menstrual, it wasn't a lack of medication, it was just a random thing.  To be honest, something still feels off, not quite right, but I can't figure out what or why.  So for now, I'm just kind of muddling through, until it either resolves itself or I figure out what's going on and how to fix it.

Thanksgiving was good.  Jerbs and I stayed in Flagstaff and did our dinner from Sprouts, and watched Thanksgiving episodes of TV shows on Netflix.  It was stupidly, frustratingly warm and sunny on Thanksgiving, and that kind of sucked.

Then on Black Friday, my best friend from college, Theresa got engaged!  She and her fiance were in town for a little while, so I got to have dinner with them and a few other of their college friends, and it was so nice!  I am so unbelievably happy for Theresa that I can't even put it into words.  She and her fiance just seem so happy and good together, and it's good to see her so content and thriving.  Seeing them together, and seeing her in such a good place, made me really think about some of the things in my life, and made me want to re-commit to some of the stuff I've been neglecting.

I was sick most of this past week, with a milder version of what I had in October, and that sucked.  I'm finally feeling better, but my head still feels stuffy. 

Other than that I've just been working.  A lot.  I'm still having a bit of a love/hate relationship with my second job.  There are just some aspects of it that make me so uncomfortable . . . mostly calling people and telling them their dues declined.  It's just kind of an unpleasant experience that I put off and avoid as much as I can.  But I don't want to give it up, because the extra money is just so helpful . . . and really, the whole billing cycle thing only takes about the first two weeks out of the month, which isn't so bad.  I can suck it up and deal.

One good thing, though, is that MHC is going to pay for me to get my medical coding certification, which is exciting.  I think it'll be really good for me, mostly in the sense of making me more useful for future jobs, and if I don't have to pay for it, why not?  I should be able to enroll in January, and I'll have my certification by July at the latest.  I'm looking forward to it, even if I'm a little worried about how I'll find time to study with everything else I've got going on.

Right Now

I am just in a funk lately.

Right now, everything just feels broken and empty and I can't figure out why or how to fix it.

I'm at a loss.