The Thing Is

Ex-Fiance has been on my mind a lot lately.  I think about him and I think about us, and I think about what went wrong between us and how we'd go about fixing it if we decided to.  I remember things and I think about just what it was like to be with him.  The memories feel weird now--like it's been so long since I saw him or touched him or kissed him that they've faded and almost don't seem real.  Sometimes it feels like it was a dream, other times I just feel amazed in this, wow, how could that have been my life kinda way.  Sometimes I wonder what it would/will feel like if/when we saw/see each other in person again.  I haven't seen him since July 15th so it's been quite awhile.

I miss him.  I really do.  And there are days when that is very overpowering, when I feel it in my entire body. When it's more a state of being then a feeling.  And I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon.  I still hope very much that Ex-Fiance's thinking of me too and that we will eventually be able to discuss us and be together.

The thing is, though, that this separation and my being here was absolutely the right thing to do.  I've read some of my entries from before I left Kingman and when I was first here and I remember how miserable I was, but now . . . now I can't imagine having stayed.  Our relationship really had suffered and I really wasn't doing well, and I see that now.  So even though I think Ex-Fiance handled it poorly . . . this was right.  Hopefully not right forever, but definitely right for right now.

Right now, I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time.  I'm not panicky, I'm not constantly angry, my moods don't change quite so quickly.  I'm not perfect by any means, and I know that I've got a long way to go, but I'm much closer to where I want to be now than I was before.  I'm doing really well taking my medicine--again, not perfect, because I really am forgetful--but it's much better.  I feel very open to counseling and I'm looking forward to starting that.  I think that's the big thing now--I feel more ready to just kick this crap and be done with it and live my life.  I've wasted enough time already--NO MORE.  Definitely a good thing.

I feel less anxious about where my life is going.  I used to wonder almost 24/7 what I was doing with my life and what I should be doing and stuff like that, and I was always anxious as hell about it.  I always felt like I was behind and like I'd done something wrong and I constantly compared myself to everyone else.  These feelings aren't totally gone and there are times when hearing from or about my engaged or married friends when I feel a pang of anxiety but overall, I feel much more comfortable living MY life and being on MY path now.

I've decided to go back to school and get my Masters in English, and then from there pursue my PhD.  I think deep down that's what I've always wanted to do, but I felt like it would be a waste of time to spend so much of my life in school.  I think there are a lot of reasons I felt that way but now, I think more along the lines of if it's really what I want to do with my life then I should do it.

I'm also writing again, which is fantastic.  And I'm losing weight and I'm not eating fast food.  Generally, I'm doing well.

My moods aren't perfect.  I still have my bad moments.  But now most of those bad moments feel like they're just because I'm human, not because I'm bipolar.

Now, one question that pops up in my mind for me is, why was I never able to do this stuff with Ex-Fiance around?  Why couldn't I be in a relationship with him and make this kind of progress?  And I think it's because my mental illnesses attacked Ex-Fiance so much that he, essentially, became part of them.  He became a toxin, in a way, and I needed to be away from him to actually get better.  Plus I was always so focused on him that I couldn't focus on myself.  And I think there was a part of me that thought that any change on my part, even if it was changing to get better and was positive, would make me different, and then I wouldn't be the woman he wanted.  I know that's irrational but still.

Ultimately, though, Ex-Fiance wasn't holding me back.  My mental illness was and it reflected on him. Ex-Fiance was never really a bad partner (I mean, he wasn't perfect and he had his moments but he was never awful).  It was just my mind's perception of him that screwed things up.  And that's why I take so much of the responsibility for what happened--because I did have a good man who loved me, but I wasn't healthy enough to have that.

Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever be strong enough for me to combine my life with someone else's.

I do know that I'm going to keep working at myself.  And I'm going to keep getting better.  And my life is going to go where I want it and I am going to be happy.