I find that lately (the past two weeks or so) I've been having quite a few positive mental shifts like the one I mentioned before, so I thought I'd write about them. I am loving this little stage in getting better because it feels like I'm over the hill now, if that makes sense. Like all the struggling and trying and treatment is finally really and truly starting to pay off.
I have less social anxiety now, especially when it comes to work. I used to kind of obsess about how I was being perceived by my co-workers, about how they saw me and how I was doing my job. I constantly worried that I was rubbing someone the wrong way or irritating someone and there were days when I'd go home and replay conversations from the day over and over in my head. I don't feel that anymore, or at least not as strongly. And granted some of that is probably just actually having a good job and good co-workers where I'm respected, but still, my gut tells me that if I'd gotten this job when I was still really sick it would not have gone well.
If anything I now struggle with this in the opposite direction: I have a hard time accepting that nothing's going wrong at work, that my co-workers like me, and that I am trusted to do my job and be competent. It's an odd feeling.
I'm also better at taking constructive criticism, although I probably still need work in this area. There are times when I worry that whatever co-worker is telling me to fix something is secretly pissed that I work there. At the same time I also think that if I was a big problem I'd already have been talked to about it, and they know that I'm still learning. Still better than I used to be though.
I am less afraid now. In the past I have definitely been the type to hide from my problems; if it's something I didn't want to deal with, I just didn't deal with it. I would put off painful conversations, anything to do with bills and money, and anything that made me sad. I've gotten over this in a big way. When I need to talk about something now, even if I'm dreading it, I just do it (it's usually nothing big, I just used to be weird!). I've stopped even giving myself time to hesitate. Financially, I pay a lot more attention to my money, and I'm in the process of making payments that I was unable to for a long time. I'm still working on this area because discussions about money just make me nervous, and I still need to sit down and write out a budget but I'm much better than I used to be. I also take my financial responsibilities seriously, most noticeably in the fact that I've given Jerbs rent money out of every paycheck I've gotten since I started working. And things that make me sad don't crop up often, but recently, Benji* was in desperate need of a grooming, so I finally sucked it up and shaved him and bathed him. Grooming him just makes me so sad, because I can feel how frail he is and how old he's getting it, and I hate thinking about how he probably won't be with me much longer. I think in the past, I wasn't able to put myself through that kind of stuff because I knew that it would always go deeper because I was mentally weak. But now . . . well, it still made me incredibly sad because I want Benji to live forever (seriously, I love that dog), but it didn't fuck up my life for days. Benji was pissed at me for a few days (he really hates baths) but whatever. Basically I was able to do what I had to do and then continue living without over analyzing it or letting it get the best of me, if that makes sense. In the past I'd have spent a few days moping and crying and beating myself up for being a bad dog owner.
This one is more difficult to explain, but it's also one of the best ones. I used to have this weird feeling that I was almost outside my own body; like I wasn't invested in my life, but rather was watching from outside it, like I was watching someone else live my life. It was an odd, odd thing, and it's almost completely gone now. There are still days when it crops up but I'm definitely at a point where I have an easier time seeing myself in my life and feeling fully engaged than I used to.
I also used to have trouble imagining my future for the same reason. When I would picture myself down the road, whether it was a month or a year or a decade, I would have this sensation of it just being impossible, like I was, again, on the outside looking in. I never really knew why this was but I think now that it was because at the time I just literally couldn't conceive of ever being healthy or capable enough to achieve what I was imagining. This was especially true of my relationship with Corey. I would imagine us married and living outside of AZ, just being happy together; working and coming home to each other and cooking dinner together and having date nights and going on vacations and so much more, and even though it was beautiful, I also felt very strongly that the woman I imagined doing those things with him just wasn't me. I felt like I would never, ever be the type of woman who could have that life, that kind of relationship with someone. But now, that all feels very possible, and when I imagine those things, whether with him or just generally, I genuinely see myself in those moments. It's beautiful**, and I really, finally believe in the possibility of my own life.
My personal favorite mental shift is that I have stopped having all these weird questions of identity. I used to spend my days doing nothing because I was so anxious about whether what I wanted to do made sense to my identity. Like, I'd think, I want to read, or write, or sew, or whatever, and I wouldn't know which one to choose because I didn't know which one was me. I had no idea who I was (the benchmark of borderline personality disorder), and therefore I felt the need to fit my whole identity into a really concrete definition. So I'd wonder: am I the type of person who writes? who reads? who sews? who hikes? who whatevers? It was horrible. But now, I feel much more relaxed about this, and I realize that I can be a person who does ALL of those things, and that if I go through phases where I prefer one over the other, then that's not a big deal. I need to do what makes me happy and what I enjoy, period the end.
So I'm doing well. Very well. And I love it.
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*Seriously, I love Benji. I would give anything for him to be healthy again. If somehow I could make it that way I would. But he's not doing so hot right now and I try to just focus on the fact that I gave him the best life he could possibly have and saved him from misery and death. When he passes I'm going to have him cremated, and then when I die, his urn will be buried with me. I'm also going to get a memorial tattoo for him.
**The only downside of this newfound sense of possibility is that it makes the breakup even more painful. It sucks to know that I've finally gotten there--like I can finally legit be with someone in a real way--but that the one person I want to be with . . . well, you know.
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