It's Been A Long Time . . .

Since I felt this freaking awful.  Since I felt like it was a struggle just to get  through the day.

I had an anxiety attack last night.  A real one and a bad one.  Really bad.  Like, probably the worst one I've had since I moved.  It was just awful.

And all those bad feelings came back.  I felt like a horrible person.  I don't deserve kindness or sympathy or happiness.  

Sometimes I wonder, haven't I been through enough?  Haven't I survived and fought enough now?  Isn't it about fucking time something went my way?  Don't I deserve to be thrown a bone by now?

I know I'm being stupid.  I know that there are a lot of people the world over who are suffering far more than I am and who have far less than I do.  But there are days when everything still just feels awful.  I'm anxious about things with Corey, about work and money, about Jerbs, about my family, about my future, about my health . . . it sucks.

I wish I had the resources to fix things.  I wish I was able to recognize my needs (which I can) and then meet them (which I usually can't).  And I feel awful for Jerbs, because I feel like I'm taking advantage of her.  I know I'm really not, because I do what I can--I buy my own groceries and I buy joint things for the house, and since I work less I keep the house neat and tidy.

I'm just overwhelmed with self loathing right now.  And I hate that.  And I hate that I still feel this way, even though I'm getting better, and I hate that I don't feel entitled to a bad day because of my mental illness.  (That's one of the most frustrating things about being sick like this--you're never allowed to just be unhappy for a little while even if you have a good reason for it, because the people around you will just assume it's the mental illness).

I think this is all 80% PMDD/hormones and 20% the emotional impact of the trip to Kingman.  Right now . . . I kind of wish I'd just stayed home.  (But really, Saucy's always worth it so . . . yeah).

I hope this fades soon.