Numb

I think the best way to describe how I've felt lately is numb.

I don't know if it's comfortably numb or uncomfortably numb but . . . it is what it is.

Then again, maybe numb isn't the right word.  Detached, indifferent, apathetic, and dissociated all kinda work too.

I just feel blah.  I don't feel particularly happy but for the most part I'm not feeling any extremely negative emotions either.  Aside from a few episodes of crying over the whole breakup thing, I haven't had a breakdown in weeks.  I feel like I need to decide what I want to do with my life and there are anxieties associated with that but at the same time it's not an all consuming anxiety.  I know the things I need to do (like therapy) and I'm just waiting until I can do them, I guess.

I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing.  On the one hand it's a good thing that I'm not super anxious and consumed with OMG WHAT IS MY LIFE thoughts constantly (though they do crop up occasionally and I need to write it all down and get it off my chest soon).  I don't dread going to work anymore and I've gotten indifferent to the bus but . . . still.  But at the same time I think I'm not really invested in my life right now.  I feel detached and a little dissociated and that's . . . not good.  I never particularly feel like doing anything.

I guess right now my life feels almost exactly like it did a couple years ago before meeting Corey/my diagnosis, only now the Lithium keeps the negative feelings at bay.  I just . . . am.  I'm empty and nothing.  I'm living in my head as the woman I want to be, daydreaming and fantasizing about the life I want, because it's easier than actually moving towards anything.

Therapy therapy therapy.  It's becoming more and more clear to me how badly I need to be in therapy.

Sometimes I think this is more about the ability to meet needs than anything else.  I was just thinking about that today--how I really can't do anything.  Today a good friend of mine is road tripping with her girlfriend to the city they're planning to move to soon, to job/apartment scout.  And it occurred to me that it must be amazing to just be able to DO that.  I want to leave AZ so badly.  I want to start fresh somewhere new but . . . I can't.  I'm broke and car-less and I can't just leave, y'know?  Right now my eyes are really bothering me and I need an eye exam and new glasses (I wear reading glasses but the Rx is really old, I'm sure I need new ones), and I . . . can't.  I don't know when I'll be able to.  Sometimes I think that's what makes just living so difficult for me--the fact that no matter how little something costs, I can't just do it.  Like last week I found sunglasses I want; they're $5.99 and I couldn't buy them.  I need a new wallet, but same thing.  There are these little things in life that most people just take for granted and don't think twice about but I don't get to have that luxury.

And I'm not saying that in a bitter way, at least not in this instance.  I'm just pointing out the fact.  Life is difficult when every little thing, no matter how insignificant, is a struggle.  It's frustrating to have to push all your needs to the back burner--small ones like sunglasses or big ones like buying a car or in between ones like an eye exam.

I just wish I had the ability to say oh, my eyes are bugging me, and call and make an appointment.  Instead I say, oh, my eyes are bugging me . . . the exam plus glasses will probably be at least $100, so I should budget for $150 . . . I get paid this week but I need this, this, this, and that, so . . . hopefully my next paycheck will be big enough to put away say $75 and hope I can hold onto that until my paycheck after that and then I can get an eye exam.

Oh, the joys of being poor.

I think that my reaction to not being able to do anything is to do nothing.  Instead I spend my money on little things that'll make me kind of happy for a little while because . . . aside from those tiny little things my life really is basically nothing.

I don't have anything in my life that makes me really happy.  I don't have anything that makes me really angry or sad.  I don't know what I want to do career wise or school wise.  I don't even really know what I like anymore.  It's awful.  This is why I need therapy . . . which is a priority over an eye exam no matter how bad the eye strain headaches get.

I don't know.  Sometimes I feel like to live a good life, to be genuinely happy, I'd have to be a completely different person.  Sometimes I think I'm so far gone that there's no going back, if that makes sense.